Saturday, January 19, 2008

I Promise, I'll Write About Someone Other Than Simmons After This Post

First, let me quickly declare Reader Extra Participation Fridays a huge success. Thanks a lot to everyone who participated! I'm declaring JD this week's winner (yes, it's a contest now, because I just decided it should be) for this:

"On 4th and 31 from the Jersey/A 44-yard line with 12:31 to go in the second quarter, down 14-7, Dallas decided to punt. I then proceeded to pick up my pink fountain pen and write 'Game Over, I love the taste of my own ball hair,' into my Care Bears notebook. How can you punt in your opponents territory down by a touchdown this late in the game!?!? The football gods then spoke these words to me: 'I shall punish these dim-witted fools that call themselves professionals!"

Honorable mention to Shimmering for this, which wasn't quite what I asked for but was pretty awesome anyways:

"Stat of the Week No. 2: Since I began writing this column for ESPN, thirteen people have taken a toaster-bath as a direct result."

And similar thanks to Richard for the haiku. Very tasteful. Anyways, all this Simmons stuff is getting repetitive, I know. But reader Daniil tipped me off about something that I definitely have to post. In his words:

"I don’t know whether you guys read or even know about it and I don’t know if you caught this from his handicapper column. Did DJ Gallo just compare Philip Rivers to his coworker Bill Simmons??? I know I’m reaching, but that would be fucking great if Bill got offended by this and started spewing and they insulted each other in their articles on ESPN. My respect for DJ Gallo would grow greatly if he did this intentionally."

Well, let's take a look at the passage in question.

Here is San Diego’s one chance of winning: if Bill Belichick trades Tom Brady for Philip Rivers before kickoff. And don’t laugh – “Um, I never have on this site, so why would I start now?” – it could happen. I think Bill Belichick secretly wishes Philip Rivers was his quarterback. Rivers just has that certain Boston sports “je ne c'est douche” that would make him a more fitting figurehead for the city’s best team. I mean, sure, Tom Brady can be a total cockhead when he wants to, but Philip Rivers exudes Boston douche. He is Boston douche. If Red Sox Nation beats with one heart, that heart is inside the body of Philip Rivers. Rivers’ bio says he was born in Alabama, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all to learn that he grew up outside of Boston. Or that he went to a prep school and then on to some overrated New England private college. Then, no doubt, he spent a few years living off of his daddy’s trust fund money, dabbled a bit in date rape and bartending, and then settled down with some pink-hat skank because he thought he got her pregnant. Yes, it’s clear to me: Philip Rivers is from Boston. He is Boston. But unless he makes it on to Boston’s beloved Pats before kickoff, this is going to be a total beatdown.

Is that a description of Bill? Well, let's break it down. Obviously he's from Boston or somewhere just outside of it. According to his Wikipedia page (always a reliable source, I know), he went to this prep school. He then attended College of the Holy Cross, which may or may not be overrated but is definitely private and definitely located in New England. Bill himself alludes to his bartending exploits in his columns. Date rape? Wouldn't put it past him. Trust fund? Well, that prep school he went to costs $37,000 a year if you board and $27,000 if you're just there to learn. And he's constantly talking about how his dad has been a Celtics season ticket holder for decades, which can't be cheap. That's not ironclad proof that he's a trust fund baby but it certainly indicates there's money in the family. I have no idea whether or not The Sports Gal is a "pink-hat skank," but I really can't see anyone wanting to get married to Bill unless there were some extenuating circumstances like a pregnancy.

So all in all... yeah... it might be a coincidence. But it might not be. I'm sure Gallo has met Simmons and is familiar with his work. They're both successful professional journalists in the same field and with roughly similar styles. Who's to say they can't have beef? You can make your own judgment. If something more comes of this, you'll definitely read about it here. Thanks again to Daniil.


Bengoodfella said...

This Simmons stuff is NEVER repetitive. I refuse to read his column anymore and the only way I know his exact level of douchebaggery is to read your column tearing him a new one. Also, does anyone know which college basketball player and team he is planning on jumping on the bandwagon of, like he did Kevin Durant and Texas last year? I have my money on Derrick Rose and Memphis. Or OJ Mayo and USC. If it is USC, I bet the Sports Gal can think of a witty comment about OJ Mayo's name. His column would not be complete without a "my wife knows nothing about sports and yet agrees with me" passage or two. I bet she would agree with me that Bill's column is not very entertaining, informative, or good.

JD said...

I can't say I'm a Gallo fan, but if he's really knocking Simmons here, I tip my hat to him.

So, when will you announce my prize?