Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Excuse Me While I Cover Like Six Subjects In One Post

My parents are getting their hardwood floors redone. They told me the house was going to be filled with toxic fumes for the next few days as a result and that I needed to leave the basement and get out of the house until Thursday. Well, fuck that, I told them. (I didn't actually say "fuck that," it was more like "Nooooooooo, I don't wanna") I'm 23 years old- they can't tell me what to do. Plus I'm terrified of the sun. Have you ever seen how bright that thing is? My Ecksteinian complexion doesn't like light rays of any kind, unless they're coming off a computer that's showing something related to WARP, VORP, or at least EqA.

Unfortunately though, I think they were right about the fumes. I'm feeling kind of nauseous. These Nutter Butters taste funny. My head is spinning; I feel like Rex Grossman on a Saturday night in December. It's really hard to focus on any one topic for more than a couple minutes (read: I am lazy and didn't find anything big to pick apart tonight), so I'm going to do a few short blurbs on a handful of different articles instead. If you're not cool with that idea, well, come down to my basement and stop me. I dare you. It smells like gas mixed with burnt plastic in here.

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First up, Dennis Dodd gets all hot and bothered about texting an athlete. omg ur so good @ ftbll r u on myspace? ;-)

The hype is building for the nation's No. 1 recruit.

Terrelle Pryor told me Friday that he is not visiting Oregon just yet. There was a report out there that the Jeannette, Pa., High quarterback might take a trip out to Eugene this weekend. Oregon offensive coordinator Chip Kelly has been doggedly pursuing him to run Oregon's spread option.

Pryor didn't exactly "tell" me he wasn't visiting Oregon. We exchanged text messages. It struck me that I've got better access to the kid than any recruiter, because of restrictive NCAA rules.

Easy there, Peter King. It's great that you enjoy your job and its perks. But most readers are probably not nearly as impressed with the fact that you have some dude's cell number as you think. Is Pryor even 18 yet? With they way they're tightening up pederast laws these days, this might not even be legal.

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As we all know, along with the hype about the upcoming "Big Game" this Sunday comes additional hype about those famous commercials that will debut during its numerous breaks in action. Let me just propose a few rules regarding them.

1) Talking animals are almost never funny.

2) Talking babies are never funny.

3) Carlos Mencia is never funny, ever, under any circumstances.

4) If you're throwing a party and one of your guests makes a joke about how "[They] only watch the game to see the commercials, LOL, look how original [they] [are]!" it's OK to make them leave. If you're not hosting the party but overhear such a joke at someone else's, it should be reported to the host or hostess.

Please keep these in mind both next weekend and beyond as some of the ads make their way into regular rotation. If you disagree with any of them, you are unfunny. Sorry. Please keep your mouth shut if you and I ever end up watching TV together for some reason.

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This isn't bad journalism, but is definitely an insane topic. Did this really need to be written? Are there actually people out there stupid enough to think that even the best NCAA team could get within 40 points of the worst NBA team? If so, I hope they aren't reproducing. The world of sports has enough idiots in it already.

Here's a trivia question: which of the following pairs of leagues have the smallest talent gap between them?

A: NCAA Football and the NFL
B: NCAA Basketball and the NBA
C: MLS and the EPL/La Liga/Serie A
D: The And1 All-Stars and the NBA (I've heard some dumbass kid try to argue this one before)
E: None of them are anywhere close to close. You're out of your flipping gourd if you think otherwise, or want to break things down far enough to answer the question. That's like trying to figure out whether the gap between the Beatles and Good Charlotte is bigger or smaller than the gap between Guns N' Roses and Buckcherry.

The answer is E.

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CNNSI's Cliff Corcoran weighs in on possible destinations for Barry Bonds this upcoming season. It's not a horrible article top to bottom, but certainly has its patches of garbage. He analyzes the chances of all 30 teams in the article.

Rockies: The holier-than-though Rockies would likely object to adding Bonds on moral (and financial) grounds, but in the most competitive division in baseball, every extra win counts, and Bonds would greatly improve their road performance.

"Hmmm, I don't know much about the Rockies... meh, I'll just say they wouldn't sign Bonds because they're a bunch of religious douchebags!" Christ (no pun intended). That USA Today story from 2005 about the Rockies and their love for the baby Jesus might be the most unintentionally damaging piece of journalism ever written about a team. At the time I'm sure the team appreciated the press and the article was obviously not intended to be malicious. Two and a half years later, however, it's become the fallback joke and horribly awful analytical tool for ignorant journalists everywhere.

Let me give you the real reason the Rockies would never consider signing Bonds, besides the fact that Coors Field has a massive outfield which would tragically expose Bonds's gimpiness. Let's just put it this way: they're pretty well taken care of in left field.

Diamondbacks: The D-Backs have a perfect platoon partner for Bonds in left fielder Eric Byrnes

I'll just stop you right there. Look, Byrnes isn't exactly great. Last year he OPS+ed 104. I'm not here to claim he's some kind of future HOFer. His career line against rightes is .256/.318/.423. That's pretty bad. But last year it was .297/.360/.462. That's pretty darn good. Like, don't-platoon-this-guy good. He also added plenty of value by stealing 50 bases while only getting caught 7 times. And his defense, while annoying to watch (seriously dude, you don't have to do a somersault every time you throw the ball), is passable. Meanwhile, his team is going to be running out a 20 year old RF who hit .221 in limited action last year and might not be ready for the show yet. Their SS OPS+ed 72 last year. Assuming Tony Clark is gone, their bench includes exactly zero guys who can hit worth dick. And you're going to suggest... let me get this straight... that it would be a good idea for them to drop a bunch of money on Bonds... so he can platoon with a right-handed guy who OPSed .820 against righties last year? Arizona has much, much bigger problems than Byrnes.

Angels: The best fit for Bonds in the AL would actually be the Angels, despite the fact that they enter the season as the only team likely to take their division with ease and appear to have a very crowded outfield of their own. That the Angels will pay Gary Matthews Jr. $42 million over the next four seasons doesn't make him any more than the fourth outfielder he's always been save for that one life-changing season in Texas, while Reggie Willits profiles very well as a fifth-outfielder given that he's still earning the league minimum.

Although the Angels desperately need power in their lineup, I'm still going to say Reggie Willits is better than Gary Matthews Jr. I don't really care how much money each is making. I'm more concerned with, you know, how well they play on the field. Although Willits has all the pop of Juan Pierre (less, actually), he still managed to out-OPS Matthews last year. Having a .391 OBP will help that happen.

Corcoran's top choice for where he thinks Bonds will go is San Diego. Cute thought, but I'll give you a dollar if he signs with an NL team. Just send a self addressed and stamped envelope to my basement with an 18 cent processing fee.

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Finally, I know Roger Clemens is innocent until proven guilty. But given the response of pretty much every single other player named in the Mitchell Report to their inclusion, it seems extremely likely he took steroids. McNamee had no motive to lie. Anyways, his agent isn't letting him go down without a fight. I'll let the AP and CBSSportsline's headline department describe what actions the agent is taking in his client's defense.

Clemens' agent releases statistical report to refute steroids allegations

Clemens went 40-39 in his last four seasons with the Red Sox, and when the pitcher left Boston's general manager at the time, Dan Duquette, said Clemens was in the "twilight" of his career. Clemens was 192-111 with the Red Sox and won three Cy Young Awards and an MVP, then went 162-73 with Toronto, the New York Yankees and Houston, winning four Cy Youngs.

Great plan. The worst stretch of Clemens' career is the above-mentioned last four years in Boston, spanning from 1993 to 1996. Then things suddenly turned around in 1997 when he went to Toronto. McNamee first connected him to roids in 1998, and didn't say that was the first time Clemens used. He easily could have started a year earlier than when McNamee became his needle buddy. So, yeah! What a perfect idea! Let's compile a report, showing that he was starting to decline during his early 30s (he was still pretty good, but definitely relatively declining compared to the rest of his career to that point), then got great again at almost the exact same time his alleged steroid use started! I understand these are tough times if you're employed in the business of making Roger Clemens look innocent, but this seems like a real General Custer at Little Bighorn of a decision. Might as well try to prove he didn't use steroids by pointing out that his home run totals throughout the course of his career are very consistent.

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Thanks for indulging my temporary ADD. I'll be back tomorrow with a post that isn't just a lazy cop-out.

17 comments:

Tonus said...

Thanks for reminding me that the Angels are still paying Garry Mathews Jr $10 million a year. Which also reminds me that we overpaid for Torii Hunter. I know I have a rusty razor around here for just such an occasion...

pnoles said...

I went to a Carlos Mencia show.....the whole "dee dee dee" gives him a bit of a bad rap.....most of the jokes he told were pretty intelligent.

Chris W said...

but here's the thing:

"for the movies" is better than the worst g'n'f'n'r song, which is, i guess, knocking on heaven's door

pnoles said...

Also, someone needs to go tell ballhype that this blog is hot shit....we've hit the quadruple digits here, people.

matt said...

You & Fire Joe Morgan both pull the "I'm lazy and going to pull the touch on a bunch of topics in one post" trick on the same day?

I'm calling FJM cahoots.

blanco112 said...

stop being lazy and read this piece of shit

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1068889&srvc=home&position=0

I was really hoping you guys had seen that one.

larry b said...

Tonus- Hey, don't worry about it. Assuming P. "Batshit Crazy" Angelos voids the Bedard deal, you guys can sleepwalk into the playoffs next year anyways. Once you get there, well...

PNoles- Dude, like I said in the post, if you disagree with those rules... Also, the BallHype ranking is almost entirely dependent on being linked. So I'm thinking of starting up a few other blogs just for that purpose. That would work, right? Seriously though, we should try to get you on TBL next time you write something.

C-Dub- Obviously you know this, but "Knockin'" isn't even GnR's song. One decent quasi-decent quasi-ballad by those tattooed dickfucks in Buckcherry isn't enough to allow the comparison to begin.

Matt- The coincidence is uncanny, I know. I swear I didn't see that they had done the same thing until just now. Cross my heart and stick a needle in my eye and shit. All it really means, I guess, is that we were equally unsuccessful at finding articles yesterday.

Blanco, I will not dignify that article with a response. Kissing Suzy Kolber, who might hate Boston sports teams more than I do, already did a hilarious breakdown of it. I assume that's probably where you saw it, but just in case it wasn't, here's the link.

larry b said...

What I will say about that Boston Herald piece, however, is that it's a good thing Green Bay didn't knock off the Giants in the NFC title game. Imagine the comparisons she'd be making is that had happened.

blanco112 said...

larry b, I did not, but thanks. Going to check that out.

Chris W said...

i'm on a train! with cocaine!

pnoles said...

Okay fine Larry, I submit myself to the eternal label of "unfunny". And if and when I happen to be watching TV with you (your mom doesn't want me to come over any more because of my naughty language), I promise to keep my mouth shut. =)

But I will stand by the FACT that Mencia's bit about the civil rights movement being the reason why a lot of Mexicans work in fast food restaurants is HI-larious, and anything but moronic.

Chris W said...

i wonder who he stole that joke from!

Richard Dansky said...

I think Baseball Prospectus actually called San Diego out as Bonds' most likely destination right after the World Series.

Of course, that's if he's not playing in the California Penal League. What are the odds he goes yard off Ricky Vaughn?

pnoles said...

ZING!

larry b said...

No one goes yard off Wild Thing. And if they even look like they're trying to, they're getting a fastball in the face.

And Richard, my offer about Bonds signing with an AL team stands. Just send me that stamped envelope and 18 cent processing fee if he does.

Christ, I'm lamer than Easterbrook.

pnoles said...

Breaking irrelevant news: Rockies to sign Scott Podsednik! Have fun with that larry b and eriz (remember eriz, guys???)

Richard Dansky said...

And when larry b told me to send in the envelope and the eighteen cents, I wrote in my notebook "Comments thread over!" The blogging gods do not smile on those who are so careless with their dollars.