want to read some funny jokes which insinuate that soccer is stupid?

too bad, these were written by gene wojciechowski. as a multi-paragraph introduction for his latest column over at the worldwide leader, gene jumps on the "haha... soccer..... more like BORE-occer! am i right? am i right?" bandwagon about 5 years too late. let's not laugh along.

Bending an expert's ear on the virtues of Beckham

I wouldn't know David Beckham if he bent a corner kick into my jaw. Now if Posh were with him, maybe the face would ring a bell. But otherwise, nothing.

gene gets the ball rolling with a real zinger. also, posh spice, she's pretty hot, right! yeeaah! attractive women! yeah!

It's not that I'm anti-soccer, I'm just anti-dull. To me, soccer is hockey on a Valium overdose, but with no glove dropping or board checking.

Yes, I'm aware it's called "The Beautiful Game" -- and I'm sure it is, much in the same way folding your laundry is "The Beautiful Chore."

buh-zing! that's 3 "soccer is boring" jokes in as many sentences. i can hear the laughter echoing across america.

And, yes, I know all about Beckham's much-anticipated official introduction to the MLS on July 13 in Los Angeles. I've also heard of the World Cup, the boffo CONCACAF Gold Cup TV ratings, and the fact that every available suburban sports field will be infested with soccer kids this weekend.

yes, soccer's popularity is on the rise. the US played pretty dismally in last summer's world cup but the team still received a lot of attention, even afterwards. in 2010 it'll be an even bigger spectacle. the fact that the media has even bothered to pay attention to other stuff like the CONCACAF cup and the gold cup shows that things are looking up for soccer. it's not about to challenge MLB or the NFL anytime soon. but it's getting oodles more exposure than it did 10 or even 5 years ago.

But I can't name you a half dozen active soccer players -- and I'm not alone. I'm not sure I can name you six soccer players, dead or alive. Let's see: Pele, Freddy Adu, that French dude who headbutted that Italian dude, Mia Hamm, Sylvester Stallone and Keira Knightley?

high comedy. take that, soccer.

gene- if people considered you a legitimate authority on all things sports (which they'd damn well better not), this would be a pretty big deal. sort of like when the president can't name leaders of other countries; he's the political head of the country so he's supposed to be up to date on politics. but here's the thing- your personal knowledge level of soccer doesn't mean jack shit. you're a low wattage sportswriter whose columns in the last month have been about: the cubs, steroids in baseball, amanda beard, making fun of the NHL, phil fulmer, the white sox, sammy sosa and barry bonds, NFL criminals, and michelle wie. credit is due for the fulmer and wie pieces, but everything else is basically a book report on an issue everyone is already talking about. your personal likes and dislikes for any specific sport aren't some measuring stick or significance used by sports fans everywhere. you don't personally follow soccer? that's about as relevant as whether or not any given entertainment journalist personally follows any given genre of movies or music. not everyone loves everything. big effing deal.

This will upset some soccer snobs, who tend to go all hooligan on you if you don't "get" the game.

people who like soccer and wish other people did as well are now "snobs." look, i understand there are snobby soccer fans out there. just like there are snobby baseball fans. and snobby college football fans. and snobby everything fans. you get the idea.

Look, I've got no problem with a Brit lad telling me he'd rather eat English food than watch a Royals-Pirates interleague game or, worse yet, the Raiders against anybody. But don't jump me just because I yawn at the mention of the Premiership.

gene must have had some kind of traumatic experience with a crazy british guy at a bad journalist convention or something. who gets mad when people don't like soccer? every diehard soccer fan i've ever met was completely resigned to the fact that most people don't feel the same way about it as they do. that's anecdotal, i know, but have any of our seven readers ever experienced anything to the contrary? please, call me out if you have a story along those lines.

that's the end of gene's lame jokes- he goes on to write the rest of the column in pseduo-interview format, detailing his discussions with some other writer who really likes soccer about why beckham's appearance in the MLS is cool and important. but you can tell he doesn't like it. he's just dying to break out something along the lines of "i know the rest of the world calls it 'football.' but to me, it's more like footYAWN- am i right? am i right?"