Monday, July 16, 2007

Five sportswriters most likely to not write some stupid shit

I like John Clayton... I'm not really sure why, but I think it has something to do with how he looks. He's like a caricature artist's rendition of Steven Hawkings come to life. Plus I just love how despite the fact that he has obviously never touched a football, or likely a woman for that matter, and was probably bullied by football players for much of his childhood and adolesence, he covers the NFL for the largest sports media company in the world.

He's always got the inside "scoop" on draft/injury/trade rumors, and it really cracks me up when they do phone interviews with him on NFL Primetime. The quality of the call is always exactly the same as a World Nightly News reporter entrenched in Fallujia; it's like he's hidden under the conference table at the Green Bay Packers' super-secret underground management facility as they discuss how much of an flip-flopping asshole Favre is being this offseason.

I can't confirm this, but I'm nearly 100 percent sure his article this week about 5 Possible Surprise NFL teams is exactly the same as the one he wrote last year. Honestly, haven't sportswriters been picking the same shitty teams every year and saying "OKAY GUYS THIS YEAR THEY'LL BE GOOD I PROMISE" ?? Like we won't notice? Assholes

Anyways, I guess the point of that little introduction is that while I like Clayton for some reason, this artice is a piece of shit

So which are the five teams to watch this year?

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: No one is jumping on the Bucs' bandwagon after their disappointing 4-12 season. The pressure is on Jon Gruden to win, but the schedule suggests there should be a three-game improvement.

WOW WHAT A SURPRISE! Man if the Buccaneers win 7 games this year instead of 4 like they did last season I sure will be surprised!

The Bucs played a .535 schedule with a rookie quarterback, Bruce Gradkowski, who will be forgotten as fast as Kyle Orton was after the 2005 season. They play a .473 schedule this season, based on last year's records, and Gruden didn't want to take any chances. He signed Jeff Garcia to be the quarterback.

Neat. Jeff Garcia, a career mediocre quarterback, with a still shitty offensive line and recieving corps. I smell some wins baby.

Another sign of hope for the Bucs to be a sleeper team is what Garcia should do to help the running game. He usually has worked well with balanced offenses. In Garcia's fourplus seasons as a starter in San Francisco, his lead back averaged more than 1,000 yards and 49.6 receptions. With Cadillac Williams struggling last year, the Bucs finished 28th. Coaches know the easiest way to get to eight or nine wins is to run the ball. A big jump in the running game along with strong play from Garcia could make the Bucs one of the main sleeper teams in 2007.

I figured that Clayton would at least mention one other player that would make the Buccaneers a surprise team. Instead, he's like: "Hey Cadillac Williams still sucks, but don't worry, they have Jeff 'I Don't Have sex with men. seriously, have you seen my wife?' Garcia."

In all honestly, I'm not trying to shit all over Garcia, but he cannot singlehandedly change a team. Look at his offensive stats. He was good in San Francisco, back when they had TO and a pretty decent offensive line, but then he sucked in Cleveland and Detroit, two bad teams. He did well on a good Eagles team last season. But now Clayton thinks that Garcia and no other notable additions will surprisingly improve a shitty team? Come on.

2. Arizona Cardinals: This one is pretty easy.

Yeah it's easy because you can copy-paste the exact same paragraph you've written about the Cardinals the last two seasons

Coming off a 5-11 season, the Cardinals play the league's easiest schedule at .461. Matt Leinart enters his first full season as a starting quarterback, and he gained a lot of experience as a rookie running Dennis Green's offense. Ken Whisenhunt brought in Russ Grimm to handle the Cardinals' running game. Even with the talent of Edgerrin James, the Cardinals were the third-worst running team in 2006.

I wonder when sportswriters (and shitty NFL owners for that matter) will realize that the success of a team's running game is more dependant on the O-Line and coaching than the RB himself.

The Cardinals' 2006 schedule wasn't exactly impossible. Their opponents totaled a .500 record. The switch to a 3-4 defense should help the Cardinals' run defense. Leinart will be working with one of the league's most talented three-receiver sets. It sets up one of the most anticipated Cardinals seasons in years.

Oh you mean more anticipated than the 2006 Cardinals with the introduction of Leinart? Or more anticipated than the 2005 Cardinals when Fitzgerald came into town? Hmmm. I'm not saying the Cardinals won't surprise anybody, but these idiots have been writing the same shit about the same team year after year. I think that's just because they know that one season, they will be right, and they can say "Nahhh Nahh I told you they would be good all along."

3. San Francisco 49ers: This might have more to do with the 49ers' offseason than the schedule, but the 49ers have to be one of the sleeper teams to watch.

The 2007 San Francisco 49ers? Who are these guys? I'm not sure, but maybe I saw one or two mentions of their last season. I think they might have this guy who ran the ball for a bunch of yards, and like some young athletic guys on defense, and a young and improving quarterback. I think I may have heard of them. Yeah if they win a bunch of games in the super competitive NFC West, they'll totally be a sleeper team that surprised me.

I was gonna copy the rest of Clayton's paragraph, but decided against it. Partially because my "crtl" key broke, but mainly because the mention of the 49ers in this column is absurd. They were a bit of a surprising team last year, but this season? Give me a break. they were easily one of the most improved teams last season, and they had a great offseason. No NFL fan should be surprised if they win the NFC west.

4. Miami Dolphins

5. Detroit Lions

Fuck this. I'm done with this shit. Just because a team sucked cock last year, had an exciting win or two, and then added a wide reciever or some shit in the offseason, you don't have to pick them for most likely to improve. These 2 teams have made these fucking lists every year. i'm not sure why, as they have consistantly shown top to bottom incompetance in ownership, coaching, and management. Don't worry though because this season Calvin Johnson is going to play QB and throw passes to himself, return kickoffs, kick extra points, punt, write up a whole new playbook, and negotiate new player contracts for the Lions.

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