Saturday, September 13, 2008

Unfunny Jokes, etc

HatGuy's officially back, I think. This is his second baseball column of the week.

Cubs or Brewers will blow their playoff spot


Both star-crossed franchises have a lot of practice at falling apart

Let's stop you right there. The Brewers have historically never been in a position to
do that. 2007 is pretty much the only thing that comes to mind. Lots of practice.

This thought just in: Somebody is going to blow a certain playoff spot in the National League, and it’s going to be almost as ugly as the Mets’ all-time meltdown last year.

That isn't possible.

The candidates are the Cubs and the Brewers, and they’re well qualified for the job. The Brewers have never won a World Series and they haven’t been there for more than 25 years. And the Cubs have a century’s worth of losses packed in their emotional baggage.

See? The 1983 Brewers and 1956 Cubs have more bearing on this year's pennant race than you thought!

Don’t think they don’t know it. The newspapers and electronic media are regurgitating all the stories of past failures. The Brewers are reminded almost daily that they once had an 8 1/2-game lead in the NL Central last year only to blow it all to the Cubs and finish out of the playoffs entirely.

Isn't it counterproductive to argue that TWO teams are good at falling apart by saying one dramatically overtook the other for the division lead?

The Cubs are already hearing about billy goats and black cats and Bartmans and every other evil stroke of fortune that’s befallen them over the decades.

Don't forget "baseball." That starts with 'b' too. Right, Jay Mariotti?

Let’s face it. Both of these star-crossed franchises have a lot of practice at this sort of thing. They’re good at falling apart in the clutch. It’s in their DNA.

Oh you are just the worst type of person.

Watching the Brewers and Cubs trying to get to the postseason is like watching someone with an inner-ear problem and poor hand-eye coordination walking a tightrope stretched over an alligator pit while juggling chain saws. Blindfolded.


Throw your tomatoes, people!

("chainsaw" is one word.)

It’s not fit viewing for small children and people with weak stomachs.

You are an unfunny human being.

When September began, both teams were sailing serenely through the schedule, the Cubs 4 1/2 games ahead of the Brewers, and Milwaukee well ahead of everybody else fighting for the wild card. St. Louis was 11 games out and Houston was just a dim speck in the rearview mirror, 14 games behind the Cubs and 9 1/2 behind the Brewers.

Since then, both the Brewers and Cubs have been unraveling like a $2 sweater in a briar patch. Both are falling into panic mode, and with good reason.

$2 sweater in a briar patch. Awesome. Who says these things? I don't even have to do any work on this post. Just copy and paste the words, and let HatGuy embarrass himself.

In Milwaukee, it’s a sudden failure of the offense. CC Sabathia, the best trade-deadline pickup in memory, has been unbeatable, and Ben Sheets hasn’t yet imploded, but the team’s not scoring any runs.

I'm sorry, where do you get off saying this? Ben Sheets hasn't yet imploded? Is the fact that Ben Sheets is pitching very well like, unbelievable or something? Ben Sheets is a very very very good major league pitcher. He's either good or injured. Implosion-free, relatively speaking.

It will be hard for both teams to finish out of the playoffs, if only because so many teams are fighting for two spots, and most of them have to play each other. But it’s not out of the question for the Brewers and the Cubs to go into their final three games in Milwaukee with one playoff spot on the line for both teams.

Fate would have a tough decision if it comes to that. Which perennial loser would you favor? The guys who haven’t won in 100 years, or the ones who haven’t won in forever?

The one with the best team this year for crissake. I guess in your eyes things like that are irrelevant completely.


cb said...

The Cubs still have the best record in the National League, and the Brewers remain the wild-card leaders. So, it's still looking pretty good for both, HatGuy. And he talks about Ben Sheets like he's Jeff Weaver, which is just shameful.

Chris W said...

"It’s not fit viewing for small children and people with weak stomachs."

It's not fit viewing for....

who writes like this?

CitizenX said...

As much as I love those lovable ol' New York scamps, I think this World Series could have some pretty interesting and unforseen matchups, with the exception of Red Sox/Cubs.

Brewers/Rays? Dodgers/Mets? White Sox/Cubs?

Basically the point of this is that Chad Pennington is the most accurate QB in the history of football.

CitizenX said...

In the above comment, I meant that a lot of people would have picked Sox/Cubs, not that it would be uninteresting.

Here's one more: Dodgers/Angels.

Hell, we could even get treated to 8 million retreads of 1986...

JimA said...

CitizenX - Dodgers/Mets?

Same league.

Tonus said...

Is it me, or is every Hatguy column an attempt to squeeze 10,000 words out of a really simple premise that could be covered in one sentence?

"Cubs and Brewers fight to overcome histories of failure and make the playoffs." Oh, sorry, I was supposed to write a whole COLUMN? No problem! Sweaters in briar patch metaphors coming right up! What's that? Do I have any analysis to add? No, not really. Why?

Chris W said...

Red Sox/Cubs WOULD be uninteresting.

As well as the most obnoxious World Series in the history of baseball history ever in history.

Fred Trigger said...

Red Sox/Cubs would have been interesting back in 2003, because both hadnt won a championship in awhile. Now the red sox are being shoved down everyones throats, and people are sick of that and the fans (of the red sox). I personally would love to see the cubs in the WS. Although, I dont know if I could deal with FOX mentioning curses every two seconds.

Anonymous said...

This is the fourth time Hat Guy has used that turn of phrase, and the 0th time anyone else has:

But if you're supposed to be good enough to open a series, you had better be able to keep your team in the game. Wang couldn't do that in the bottom of the fifth. Instead of shutting Cleveland down, he came apart like a two-dollar sweater in a briar patch.
As of Friday, there are nine games left for the Giants, and six of them are against the Dodgers, who are unraveling like a $2 sweater in a briar patch.

Give us somebody who can battle him one-on-one in the final grouping and take it down to the final holes without unraveling like a $2 sweater in a briar patch.

pnoles said...


Don't take this the wrong way, but....

I think I'm in love with you.

kclock said...

#5. Can this be a label?

dan-bob said...

Good lord.

I don't even think I could find a two-dollar sweater nor a briar patch.


dan-bob said...

Also, if you google the phrase "like a two-dollar sweater in a briar patch" - this post comes up #1, even before the other HatGuy articles.

I wonder if the other FjM has stopped raiding the delicious store of HatGuy idiocy because of pnoles' work.

pnoles said...

kclock, you da man.

Label added, of course.