Friday, September 12, 2008

Bill Simmons and Rick Reilley are worth every penny

I've learned a few things over the past 10 days or so:

1. Joe Posnanski has a large fan base, and despite writing a terrible article about Brett Favre, Posnanksi maintains a blog where he uses big words like OPS+.

2. Sports bloggers are open to any and all criticism, unless it is directed at their burrito house of choice.

Therefore, to avoid further criticism, I will now deride two ESPN writers who I know no one will defend (Because no 1 comes to r site lolz!!1).

Is it a classic if no one is watching? Guess you'll have to take my word for it. by Bill Simmons

This title is mad deep.

I can't let the Gold-Medal Game go. USA 118, Spain 107. One of the 10 most dramatic basketball games of my lifetime.

Hard to believe that there've been less than 10 important games in Simmons's lifetime where the winning team won by less than 11.

And nobody gave a crap or even knew.

Yeah, certainly wasn't discussed at all by Chad Forde, Scoop Jackson, or anyone else who wrote about the Redeem Team.

The game started at 2:30 in the morning ET and vanished into thin air. Only West Coasters and super-diehards stayed up to see it. Everyone else woke up Sunday, heard the score, caught the highlights and never thought about it again.

You see this is what I really hate about "professional sports writers." They can make blanket claims like this, which aren't supported by any facts at all whatsoever, and it gets passed off as fact. He doesn't even provide an anecdote. He's fucking clown shoes.

The biggest irony of this all is that he's lauded as "THE SPORTS GUY," that guy who's just like every one who reads him. Yet, he makes this moronic assumption that only he and five other people on the west coast watched the game. Remember when you were cool, Simmons? You talk about it all the time, yet you seem to forget that for people, aged 16 through 1 day younger than you, staying up till 4:30 am to watch a basketball game on a SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE SUMMER isn't that big a hardship.

p.s. I'm sure no one woke up and watched it on Tivo either. Jackass.

And that's why I hope neither NBA TV nor ESPN Classic ever replays this game. It belongs to me and the lucky few who watched it live and sweated it out.

And the aniversary of this game shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of douche;

Which Franchise Rules Your City? I Have the Answer. By Rick Reilly

Before I dive in, let me remind the reader that Reilly makes an obscene amount of money for a sports journalist. In addition, he derides bloggers for not having the inside info to write compelling pieces like the ones he does.

Okay, with that out of the way, Reilly will now pick cities at random and say which team the city favors most, with next to nothing to back up his claim. Hardcore sports journalism:

ATLANTA Georgia football. Every SEC grad gets a job in Atlanta. The Braves can't even sell out playoff games. Everybody thinks the Hawks moved to Calgary years ago.

You hear that Georgia Tech fans? You like UGA. Bet you didn't see that one coming, traitors.

BALTIMORE Ravens, in a squeaker over Michael Phelps.

Being from Baltimore, I can attest to the fact that this is really accurate. Here's how my thought process went:

Hmmm, Michael Phelps: douchey swimmer who doesn't race specifically for Baltimore, is only nationally recognized every 4 years, and himself prefers the Ravens to Michael Phelps. OR The NFL franchise I waited the first 11 years of my life for. OR That MLB team, which Reilly didn't even mention, whose stadium set the record for quickest to 50 million atendees ever.

Fuck you.

BOSTON Red Sox. Once, Boston was a hockey town, and Orr's Bruins ruled. It's never been a Celtics town—despite Russell and Bird—partly because of the finally fading racism. Patriots? Pssshhht. They're not even in Boston. The Red Sox, though, sell out a cramped, rusted ballpark as though there were Hope Diamonds under every seat. Says longtime Boston sports yakker Eddie Andelman: "Who can have a decent conversation about anything else?"

The Red Sox, one of the most successful teams of the past 10 years, sell out a stadium that holds 30,000 people. There's something special about that team I tell yous.

DETROIT Red Wings. It's called Hockeytown, not Basketballtown.

I get it the Red Wings are popular and rightfully so, but you'd think that it would've occurred to Reilly that the University of Michigan holds the record for largest attendance for a football game ever: 112,000 people. I'm just sayin'.

NEW YORK You see more Yankees hats in NYC than all other teams combined. Win 26 titles, that happens. Then there's this: lists 21 flicks about the Yanks, four on the Giants and Mets each, two on the Knicks and one on the Rangers.

There are more movies about zombies than all New York teams combined. Ipso facto, people would prefer a world overrun by the flesh eating dead to a situation where they had to root for any New York team.

I'm done.

P.S. Joe Posnanski could learn a lot about quality and consistency by spending a day in his local Qdoba.


CitizenX said...

What is the Q-doba establishment you speak of? What kind of food do they have?

Jeff said...

Really? Boston in the 80's wasn't a Celtics town because Boston is racist?


So Boston fans weren't that invested in the Celtics, because of Robert Parish and Dennis Johnson?

And fuck you Bill Simmons. I DVR'd the game and watched it the next morning. You are not special.

Chris W said...

That has got to be the msot unnecessary literary allusion ever, and therefore the worst.

and by worst, of course, i mean the BLURST.

also: Jack, you might consider that the Wolverines aren't particularly close to Detroit (Although I guess that didn't stop Rick for choosing an Athens team to represent Atlanta)

cs said...

So, this is what you get when you pay a guy 4 million dollars and demand of him two columns a month. Ground breaking stuff.

Anonymous said...

What is your problem with RIck Reilly and Bill Simmons? Is the fact that both of them have more talent in there pinky finger than you have in your entire body the problem, or are you simply a hater who thinks he is only here to hate on other who are more successful than him.