Thursday, September 25, 2008

Speaking of the Yankees, Would Someone Please Throw Hank Steinbrenner Out of a Hot Air Balloon Already

Everyone's already seen this; everyone already knows it's laughably dumb; I don't care. I haven't posted since Sunday night. Take what you can get, people.

Fredo says:

"The biggest problem is the divisional setup in major league baseball. I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now."

Way to throw in that little bit of (likely) revisionist history just to make sure we all know you've felt this way for 30 years, and are not just complaining about it now for the first time because your team is not going to the playoffs.

"Baseball went to a multidivision setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement.

Yes. And despite its occasional shortcomings, it has done exactly that, which is worth a lot more to the game and the fans than what you're about to bitch about.

But it isn't fair.

That poor New York Yankee organization just can't catch a break, can it? Why can't the world just be fair every once in a while? Is that so goddamn much to ask?

You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not.

I hadn't really looked of the relative accomplishments of those two teams through that lens before right now. But thanks for bringing it up! Hey Yankees- choke on a tall, warm pile of your own shit. You embarrassed your successful manager, made him an offer that was never meant to be accepted, and more or less told him not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. Now you'll be sitting at home in October while he gets to take a shot at the reasonably wide open NL. Fantastic.

"This is by no means a knock on Torre - let me make that clear-but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak."

1. If L.A. were in the AL East, who knows what their record would be. Odds are Hank is right about where they would be, but you can't just say "if team X changed leagues, they'd still have the exact same record." Just saying. I'm being nitpicky before I dive into the good stuff.
2. This quote isn't really a knock on Torre... but at the same time, it's a response to what the media has been saying about Torre's accomplishments versus the Yankees' accomplishments. So, yeah, it's a knock, you jealous bucket of butter.
3. The NL West has stunk to varying degrees for the past 4 years or so, but the AL East is far from perfect. The Central or West was stronger 2006, 2005, and 2002. I didn't hear any execs from any of those divisions' third place teams complaining about the sand in their cunts during those years.
4. Fair? Fair? You want to talk about fucking fairness? You run a team that can afford to sign whoever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want, for as much or more than any other team can possibly pay them. You have the most pronounced and staggering competitive advantage of any team in professional sports. You can never be outbid for a free agent. Ever. And if you make a mistake and sign a clunker? Who gives a fuck! Give him his money, let the fans eat him alive, and sign someone else. Nearly every single other fucking team in the fucking league is in a relatively unfair position compared to yours when it comes to the most important determinant to how much talent a team can acquire and keep. Get fucked, Hank. I hope they blow up the old Yankee Stadium while you're still working there in your office.

In case you missed that joke, the Yankees are moving out of their old stadium and into a new one next season. You might not have heard.

Steinbrenner also questioned the legitimacy of the Cardinals' 2006 title, noting that their 83 regular-season victories were two less than the Phillies' total, but because of the system, St. Louis reached the playoffs as NL Central champs while Philadelphia lost the wild card race to the Dodgers, who had 88 wins.

"People will say the Cardinals were the best team because they won the World Series," Steinbrenner wrote. "Well, no, they weren't. They just got hot at the right time."

Hey, DUMMY- if you're going to complain about this kind of thing, you might want to, you know, pick on a team that didn't "deserve" to go to the playoffs and then actually went out and tanked. For example, might I recommend the 2005 Padres? They won the NL West with an 82-80 record and somehow got bounced out of the NLDS by the Cardinals in just two games. Picking on that 2006 Cardinal team is retarded- any team that wins it all "got hot at the right time." You can't be awesome all year, stroll into the playoffs, and stroll home with that ugly-ass trophy with all the flags on it. The 2001 Mariners won 116 games. Maybe Hank should forfeit his team's AL pennant from that year (earned by beating those Mariners, of course) because clearly those Yankees (95 wins) weren't the best team in the league.

What a useless windbag.

P.S.- To the credit of Yankee fans, almost 90% of them who voted in the poll attached to that article (assuming most of the people who read it are, in fact, Yankee fans) already know that Hank is a zilcheroo. Or maybe a bunch of Red Sox fans came over and voted, who knows.
P.P.S. Before you write a comment that says "HEY BUT THINK ABOUT IT TEH MARLINZ WON TEH WORLD SERIES OVER TEH YANKZ AND TEH RAYZ R GOOD THIS YEAR SO THAT SHOWS MONEY DOESUNT MATTER," yes, I know money doesn't guarantee anything. But I don't think anyone would disagree with me if I said it's much easier to be the Yankees than it is to be any other team. Compared to 85% of the rest of the teams in the league, their mistakes are less costly and their opportunities to add assets are far more frequent.
P.P.S.- I attached the "Barbaro" label to this post because Hank Steinbrenner somehow makes me even more angry than Barbaro does.
P.P.P.S.- I hope Hank Steinbrenner spontaneously combusts. Immediately.

12 comments:

CHart said...

Classic LB vitriol. I love it. Go eat a dick, Yankees.

dan-bob said...

Well-played, sir.

X, can we get a Yankee fan's perspective here?

Andy said...

I don't know why he's pissing and moaning about divisional play. They clearly wouldn't have had a better record than (most of) the other AL playoff teams this year. Before divisions, 2 teams made the playoffs. Does Hank really believe that his team is the best in the AL? Geez, I hope so...then we have another reason to hate him.

pnoles said...

Soooo...."zilcheroo" is pretty much your new favorite thing ever, eh Larry?

Larry B said...

I credit standup comic Jim Norton with "zilcheroo"... what a strange, perverted, funny, funny, possibly insane, funny man,

cb said...

I didn't feel like reading any of the article or Larry's critique (I'll get to it later), so this may have been mentioned: The Yankees won 87 games in 2000, but that was good enough to take the AL East. They then won the World Series, and haven't since. If things were the way Hank wants them, we'd have 25 championships instead of 26. Given that, it's worth it to miss the playoffs one time. MLB's playoff format is fine, Hank. I still love ya, though.

JimA said...

I think Hank should get himself to DC and work out a bailout plan. No one else sees things with such clarity or grasps the bigger picture, yet manages to say the exact thing necessary to get his point across. If there is anyone alive who understands the plight of the average family in America, and has the proper perspective on life, it is Hank Steinbrenner.

Martin said...

What is completely nuts is that he's comparing a National League team to the Yankees. If we shoved all the NL teams and all the AL teams into giant super sized divisions, neither the Dodgers or the Yankees would make the playoffs. I'm trying to figure out what his point is other then he's pissed Joe Torre is going to the playoffs.

Tonus said...

My first thought was what cb said-- will Hank be willing to give back the 2000 championship, since the Yankees won the "strong" AL East with a record that was 5th best in the AL and 9th best in baseball? Maybe he feels it's legit because they beat a wild card team... that had seven more regular-season wins than they did!

Hank Steinbrenner is no George Steinbrenner, and that's saying something.

CitizenX said...

I think it all went downhill when they let go of their former Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.


Dan-bob, it's strange, but I'm trying to convince myself that missing the playoffs and taking a good look at what went wrong is better than being bounced by the Angels in the first round again.

Seriously, the Yankees have Carl Pavano in their rotation. That should say everything you need to know right there. 2 of their top 4 starters aren't in that role. Andy Pettite has been mediocre to awful. Mike Mussina OMGWENTTOSTANFORDHOLYSHIT.

And the offense is "eh". Any team can get lucky, but this team isn't even as good as any of the AL playoff teams.

I'd like to think that the reason Joe Torre left is that he checked out PECOTA, did some scouting and realized the Rays were going to win the division and that Boston was going to be much better than the Yankees.

Iridescence said...

LOL great post! the line "Hey Yankees- choke on a tall, warm pile of your own shit." is awesome! Wish I'd thought of that one :)

cs said...

Yes, they have more money than any other team, but money can't buy you chemistry, and pulling your pants up and hustlin' straight down the line and divin' around in the dirt and wearing a sweat covered cap for 120 days straight cause its good luck. That money doesn't buy you a well-timed motivational slap on the old ass cheeks when your down by 3 going into the 9th.

So, in summary, what do you mean Yankee Stadium is closing? I think you meant Shea. Shea's closing. They brought all the old timers out there last week. Dressed up some guys in yellow uniforms. Tear jerk stuff that Shea ceremony