HatGuy's BAAAAAAAACK!

Wow. It's been so long, Mikey! Welcome back to baseball. I haven't even read your disaster on how awesome the Red Sox are yet, but I'm going to fire up teh ol' bloggomakerfunnerofer anyways, just because you and Gene Wojc-eafiwoe;faw (I legitimately forgot how to spell his name this time) are the only people who awful enough at writing to have a 100% FireJay-worthy spew rate. On we go, fuckheads.

Move over, Yankees: Red Sox are 'It' team now
Boston’s fight for the division lead is worthy of a great dynasty

Hear that, Red Sox? You're "It" now. Like Miley Cyrus, or whatever those dagnabbed kids are listening to these days. I would like to reveal my identity now. I am P. Nelson Olesdorf, a crotchity 71-year-old man from Florida.

The American League East is used to the big, bad team with great pitching, a super bullpen, clutch hitting up and down the lineup and a swagger in its gait grabbing the division by the throat in September and not letting go.

A "swagger in its gait"? Hey HatGuy, the 1950s called, they want their lingo back.

Oh wait, he's talking about the Yankees, and they were good in the 1950s. Maybe he means those (Damn) Yankees(!)?

No....he said "American League East"....a phrase that would have made the world riot back then.

It’s just not used to that team suiting up in uniforms that aren’t decorated with pinstripes.

BOOM! Gotta love that twist.

The Red Sox aren’t just coming. They’re banging at the door of the division lead, and whether they grab it right now from the amazing Rays or wait another week to get the job done isn’t important.

....apparently the Rays hanging on to the division lead isn't an option.

What is worth taking a moment to gawk at in wonder is how quickly and emphatically Boston has asserted itself.

Syntax, man! You're a professional writer for crissake. We'd better get dan-bob to find a written copy of this crap to mark it up in red frowny faces and stuff.

What Tampa’s doing is one of the great stories that baseball has ever given us. But they’re a young team that doesn’t know what they’re not capable of, a team that’s caught lightning in a bottle for the first time in franchise history.

I understand that this is common sportswriter bullshittery. But isn't "a young team that doesn't know what they're not capable of" a good thing? Like they don't know their limits, so nothing's holding them back or something? Whatever. I'm not here. GREAT paragraph, HatGuy.

What Boston is doing is just as impressive — maybe more so. The Red Sox are doing the hardest thing in sports: living up to expectations.

Tampa Bay: Exceeding expectations.
Botson: Living up to expectations.

HatGuy feels that the latter is more impressive.

Whatever.

They’re coming off their second championship in four seasons, and with what they’re doing this year, it’s fair to start talking about them the way we used to talk about the Yankees. They’re a dynasty now, a powerful team that overcomes injuries, adversity and other teams that think they can knock them off.

Valid valid valid!

You don’t become a dynasty because a bunch of pundits with laptops say you are. You get there by doing it on the field.

It's true. Did you know that a bunch of pundits with laptops consider the 2002-2008 Toronto Blue Jays a dynasty?

::looks at what he's typing on::

Oh shit! He's making fun of me! Hey man, I'm not a pundit! I don't even know what that means!

::quick trip to dictionary.com::

pun·dit (n) - A learned person, expert, or authority.

Why are you making fun of people who are learned and have expertise?

I'll still deny that title. But it doesn't take a pundit to disect this garbage. See, I use that word in everyday language now! I'm learning! But....but learning's apparently frowned upon and made fun of. I'll stop.

The Red Sox were such an outfit 90 years ago. Now, with their two titles and their performance this year to back it up, they are that again.

Who fucking talks like you? "The Red Sox were such an outfit?" Do you go to baseball games, sit in the stands, and talk like this to the drunken fanatics around you? "I say, gents! The Red Sox were such an outfit 90 years ago. But the current resume of our squad suggests we're...how do you say this....kicking it old school!" No one needs the fourth definition of "outfit," Mike. It's just there to take up space in the friggin dictionary.

There’s an aura about such teams.

Bad journalism 101: Invent stuff that isn't there.

Call it swagger if you will, but it’s more than just the insouciant self-confidence that term implies.

Advanced Bad Jouralism: Use dumb words like "swagger." Use large, unnecessarily strange and rarely-used words like "insouciant" in place of simple ones like "relaxed" to give the reader a false sense of inferiority.

I swear, this guy fucking goes to thesaurus.com at least 15 times per article, then just plays eeny-meeny-miney-mo with the synonyms.

Opposing teams talk about it as if it were a palpable thing. They come into the home field of a dynasty and they go weak in the knees telling reporters about what a special place it is.

Bad Journalism Honors for Pundits: Blow out of proportion one quote you probably thought you might have once heard from a player and blow it out of proportion and accept the new, exaggerated stance as complete and total truth.

In the days when Boston was a lovable group of losers, opposing teams gushed about Fenway Park, but the discussion involved the quaint contours, the looming Green Monster, the Pesky Pole and everything else that makes the cramped old bandbox baseball’s crown jewel.

Today, opposing teams talk more about how hard it is to play there, the way they used to talk about Yankee Stadium. There are ghosts of past greatness collecting in the nooks and crannies of the old ballpark, a history of success that players feel.

I will sum up this up in 5 words.

"The Red Sox got better."

Sign me up, msnbc.com!

That word “tradition” is the telling one. Just a few years ago, if you said “tradition” in connection with the Red Sox, you were talking about seventh-game losses in October.

::whew:: OK. I'm sick of going back through baseballreference.com. The only time the Red Sox have lost a game 7 of any kind in recent memory was 2003. I don't know what the hell you are talking about. That does not constitute a "tradition."

Dynastic teams pack their aura and swagger along with the bats, balls and gloves when they go on the road. And when autumn looms on the calendar, they play their best. The Red Sox are doing that. They’re the big, bad team from the AL East now, the team nobody wants to face.

And they’re coming after first place.

Wow. Thanks for the disaster, Mike, you didn't disappoint. Hey, I don't know if this is relevant, but the entire "dynasty" was built by a pundit with a laptop from Yale.