Peter King: Fat, Stupid
Reading MMQB is like going to Chipotle. Every time you walk in, you hope it's going to be as good or better than Qdoba, but it never is. The point I'm trying to make is that Qdoba's steak queso burrito is outrageous, New York Magazine called it "a playful but mysterious little dish." Also Peter King probably eats 12 or 13 of those a day.
VINDICTIVE MANNY STAT OF THE WEEK
The first month on new jobs for Manny Ramirez and the man who replaced him in Boston, Jason Bay:
Manny:
AVG: .415
OBP: .508
H: 44
HR: 9
RBI: 25
Bay:
AVG: .315
OBP: .358
H: 35
HR: 4
RBI: 29
Ramirez is unconscious, as we figured he might be, trying to show the Red Sox didn't appreciate him.
Get it? Because Manny is sometimes lazy in the outfield. He makes a lot of stupid mistakes. I guess the main bullet point of my presentation would be that Manny Ramirez isn't a very good fielder.
But Bay's been superb with runners in scoring position, and 29 RBIs in August -- in any month, for that matter -- is big-time production.
Yes, RBI's, the great equalizer among all hitters. In no way are RBI's related to your teamate's ability to get on base. Take your "unconcious" .508 OBP and jam it up your ass Manny.
Later in the column:
Is Dustin Pedroia a real person? He just had a 43-hit month, with six home runs. He is 5-foot-8, maybe. He just went 4-for-4 on back-to-back nights, reaching base 10 times in 10 appearances in the two games. Terry Francona batted him cleanup twice. Ozzie Guillen pitched to David Ortiz and intentionally walked Pedroia. Ozzie Guillen said, "I just [intentionally] walked a jockey.'' This is an amazing story we're watching.
So in sum:
Over the past month, Pedroia and Manny have almost the identical number of hits, and Manny has 3 more home runs. Here's how Peter King sees it:
Manny = Asshole having flukey month
Pedroia = The most amazing story ever! I texted Pedroia to ask him how it feels to be having the greatest season ever, and he wrote back "Plz stop txting me." His focus is unbelievable!
1b. I like the reinstatement of Pacman Jones, or Adam Jones, or whatever his name is this week.
Notice PK's use of the nickname Pacman Jones...
1k. The Dayton Daily News, one of the papers covering the Bengals daily, has begun referring to Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco, from the looks of Saturday's paper. "The week leading up to the Baltimore game represents the first full week of practice time Ocho Cinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer will have together since the 2007 season finale at Miami,'' beat man Chick Ludwig wrote Saturday, apparently with a straight face.
Are you fucking kidding me? In 1b, you refer to a player by his nickname, and then 9 bullet points later you deride a writer for referring to a player by the nickname they legally adopted. You are a fat asshole.
26 comments:
I think Pedroia's text was actually "Plz stop txting me k thnx bye." He seems like the polite type.
these days, people can be bothered to TYPE OUT WORDS FULLY in a text message.
HINT HINT larry b
You know what I want? A steamed tortilla instead of a grilled one, so that whenever I bite into it, it sticks to the roof of my mouth. How about undercooked rice? Sweet, let's go to Qdoba. If you enjoy Qdoba more than Chipotle, you're damn fool.
Don't go mixing bad sports media with your poor taste in Mexican-based eateries. It's almost too much to handle.
Maybe salsa!? Here's how Chipotle should rename their salsas:
Pico de Gallo: Onions
Salsa Verde: Goopy Green Water Verde
Rojo: Red sauce that smothers out the taste of the burrito.
Want some brown shit that looks like it came out of Ratatouille's asshole? We call that steak here at Chipotle. Have this incredibly skimpy portion of it in your boring and tasteless burrito.
1. No one gets steak
2. I already conceded salsas to you, asshole
3. How about we talk about Qdoba's rice, beans, vegetables, chicken, carnitas, portions, chips, or lack of free drinks with student ID? I'm sure it would piss Chris W off to no end, but I'm willing to go down that road if you are.
4. Oh yeah, I forgot the only other area Qdoba has an advantage in- they sell cookies. (Or the ones where I grew up did, anyways.) Whoop-de-fuck.
FACT: Steak merks all other meats.
FACT: Qdoba's pork is excellent.
FACT: Qdoba.com gives you a coupon for a free burrito on your birthday.
FACT: It's very easy to scam that system.
FACT: The woman who runs the Qdoba at the U (of P) is a real fat bitch, mang.
What the fuck is a Qdoba? I live in Los Angeles, we have real Mexican food made by real Mexicans at a dozen places within walking distance, and none of them are named Qdoba.
My Mexican cooks >>> Your Mexican cooks
Y'all go go suck a big fat one. Taco Bueno is where it's at. Free. Salsa. Bar. I'll even go out on a limb and say that Moe's Southwest Grille is better than a Chipotle or a Qdoba.
But you eat free at Qdoba if you give them enhanced waters.
Jarrett, Moe's is all well and good, but if you're going to put it above Qdoba and Chipotle I'm going to have to accuse you of being a pedophile and leave it at that.
Jack, good, I'm glad you got to U of P. I just did an email interview with a dude from CNNSI.com and he wanted to know what all of us did. That was my best guess for you, so I ended up being right.
And not to sound like too much of a law student douche, but you addressed what I said about pork... and then let everything else slide. So I can now assume you have no comebacks for that. Great. So we've established that Chiptole wins out in many categories, including (most importantly) tortilla, rice, beans, and chicken. That works for me. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
Martin,
i live in Cali 2 (NORCAL 4EVA), and OMG, the Mexican fud here is the BEST!!!1! itz just so authentic. NE1 who likes Qdoba/ Chipotle, u need to get out here and try the REAL DEALZ.
Moe's is for 'mos if you catch my drift, and I think that you do.
Larry, I was going to go to law school, but aparently my U of P degree wasn't good enough because my grades were drowning...in that they were BELOW C-LEVEL!
With regards to your comments about Qdoba's tortilla, beans, etc., I find them to border on libel, and won't stoop down to the gutter and respond to them.
I do work for one hour and all of a sudden I come back to find a taco blog.
Chipotle loses automatically for using white rice with cilantro.
This is why I have a Mexican family in my basement. They're weak with hunger, but their food is strong with flavor.
Every couple days I let them eat one of the burritos.
I knew someone would bring up Moe's. Moe's is good but it is at least $1 more expensive than Qdoba and Chipotle and that pretty much rules it out for me.
I am sticking with my Chipotle because their chips are bad ass. The salsa is below average, I will give you that, but overall it kicks the ass of every other in its genre, including Moe's, Salsaritas, and Qdoba. None of those other places have any good rice and the beans taste like some shit that came straight from the can.
Chipotle forever!
I love the food argument that this post has delved us into.
Citizen X, what is wrong with white race and cilantro? Don't they make up for it with the fact the rice does not taste like ass?
No ben. No it does not.
White rice in burritos, as I pointed out in an earlier comment, makes the burrito taste (in addition to resembling) a dried up sniz.
Apparently Jack spent his summer interning for the joke writing department at Laffy Taffy, Inc.
And Ben, I don't see any problem with the white race and cilantro. I approve of both. (Re-read your last comment... typo joke!)
I likes teh burritoes.
BUT NO BEANS!
I can hear Chris W grinding his teeth from here re: this argument.
Don't knock those Laffy Taffy writers; they had to spend years writing for "2 And a Half Men*" before getting promoted.
*The sitcom. Not the number of NFL quarterbacks Peter King has given a blumpkin to.
I fucking hate mexican food in general.
Italian for me please.
How's that for a wrinkle in the argument?
~sigh~ And obviously my attempt at ironic humor based on Chris W's /douchebag from Cali "That's NOT REAL Mexican food" was lost on Chart.
I feel so Archie Micklewhite right now....
Seriously, what the hell is a Qdoba? I've never heard of it. I've seen a Chipotle, but eat at Baja Fresh usually. I'm resistant to change.
One of my friends can make me laugh pretty much any time by referring to "2 and a Half Men" as "2 and a Half Men and a Fat Kid." It doesn't matter how many times he uses the joke. I'm chuckling no matter what.
The white race and cilantro. I wish I could say that was not a typo. I am very upset that Citizen X did not jump all over it.
Martin, Qdoba is the Mexican chain that gets most of its meat from the asshole of the cow and chicken, then combines burnt beans, and dry rice...then charges $1 more than any other chain. They suck....but I will eat there if no one will go to Moe's, Salsaritas, or Chipotle with me.
new title for the site: fire jack m
I knew there would be a ton of comments after reading the first sentence.
Larry - Moe's doesn't make you pay for unlimited chips.
Jack M - Why attack the better menu selection when you can throw a blanket insult at the client base. Chicken Club Quesadilla. Adding extra meat at no cost. Bacon on anything. Chocolate chip cookies.
ben - If it's your pocketbook you're worried about, perhaps dining at Chipotle is your problem. And as I have discussed, complimentary bottomless chips.
Also, Rice + Cilantro = Starchy Soap.
that said, I heard Moes is for 'mos
Post a Comment