Monday, September 3, 2007

You Know That Uncle or Weird Cousin in the Family That Makes Bad Jokes All the Time?

Well, in the Hardiman family, that would be Ed. This time, he numbered his dumbass attempts at humor. He's fast becoming my most despised sportswriter, even if he isn't the stupidest.

Face it ASU is the fork you can't pull out. Yep, you take the L from a community college there is no BCS Championship, no way no how. Consequently we found an easy way to tell Michigan from Appalachian State University so you can recognize how big a loss this is.

Believe it or not, this is actually going to be less funny than David Letterman's Top Ten. Tell me when this is done how the hell he got positive comments saying how funny he was. It reminds me of that time Jeff Pearlman got positive feedback for the Rickey Henderson article. I swear that people who read these things have serious disorders.

#01…ASU wears shoebox's Michigan wears cleats


On a side note, I don't point out grammar and shit too often, but shoebox's? Really? No comma, no period? Whatever. I'm not here.

#02…Michigan’s footballs are made from pigskin, ASU uses the actual pig.

What dumbasses....they're handing off, passing, punting, and kicking an actual farm animal. Can you believe that guys? Guys?


#03…ASU’s uniforms are made from used peanut sacks, Michigan’s match.

Logic would denote that if the peanut sacks are matching (how different could they be???), then this is invalid.

#04…Michigan flies a chartered jet to away games, ASU lets Granny sit in the rocking chair on top of the team Ford Model T.

I can't even comment on this effectively. Is this supposed to be a joke that makes sense? Like, I see what you're going for....the whole Michigan - normal/Appalachian State - poor thing. But Ford Model T? Like you're trying to say that Appalachian State is old and unevolved and for some reason puts 80-year-old women on top of their cars? (Michigan is way older than Appalachian State) Anyone not cool with giving this joke a grade of "F"? Didn't think so.

#05…Lloyd Carr is the coach of Michigan, the coach of ASU is also their daddy and brother.

Ha-yuk......a backwoodsman/inbreeding joke. Lovely. Appalachian State University is not located in West Virginia, Ed.

#06…ASU cheerleaders have most of their teeth Michigan’s have all of their teeth.

I'm pretending that Ed has been reading this out loud, on stage, live on Broadway, in front of thousands of people. Right about now, the crowd is out of tomatoes/other stereotypical things to throw (where do they get tomatoes anyway?) and searching for the sharpest things they have to chuck them at the stage in hopes that one of his eyes would be gouged out. This is one of the least creative jokes of all time, and for some reason idiots are applauding this shit. I'll quote some comments, just for fun (there's literally like no negative feedback, I swear).

LMAO and still can't stop laughing! Ed you are a FUNNY LITTLE NEWSPAPER DUCK! kill me...this is getting printed and put on the fridge. the highest of compliments, my fowl feathered freak.

Ahh Ed, you crack me up man... good stuff.

To reiterate....this is being said about someone who just made a run-of-the-mill "rural people don't have teeth" joke.

Back to the crap......

#07…Michigan sings “Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!” ASU sings “Pa Got The Still Workin’ Again!”

Oh HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA! Because they're RURAL. This totally isn't repetitive or anything. I wonder why people don't make these jokes about West Virginia University or something. Oh yeah. They aren't funny.

#08…Michigan games are broadcast on a satellite TV network, ASU broadcasts don’t reach the other side of the mountain.

Nothing really to say here except that this isn't really anything resembling a joke.

#09…Michigan players eat thick juicy steaks ASU players are happy to have vittles that didn’t die on a highway.

::sigh:: NEXT!

#10 Appalachian State University is 1-0, Michigan is 0-1!!!

Heyooooooooo! I was a bit scared that all of that wasn't going anywhere, but that super-awesome punchline reassured me that there was actually a point to all of that repetitive bullshit. Well done Ed. Those Appalachian State guys might be rural, toothless, and poor, but THAT DIDN'T MATTER ON SATURDAY DID IT??? You really drove the point home there.

Oooh here's one! Ed Hardiman may be a douche, stupid, douchey, unfunny, repetitive, and a douche, but the bottom line is still lets him write! I think I'll go ahead and write myself a "10 ways to tell the difference between Ed Hardiman and someone with a sense of humor", along the same lines.


eriz said...

I hope he gets lynched

Chris W said...

sweet jesus! i'm going to go ahead and hope he's white, myself, after that comment!

if not, PARTY FOUL

Jeff Pearlman said...

I actually thought Jeff Pearlman's Henderson column was pure gold. And the man is incredible smart, handome and generous.

Anonymous said...

This "column" is technically just a blog. You or I could've done it, and the people leaving the comments are likely his equally moronic friends., while definitely not a website known for its amazing content, really isn't responsible for the awfulness of this. Anybody and everybody can write their own blog on the site and produce stuff just as ridiculous.

Chris W said...

hello larrrry


Anonymous said...

Didn't Don Imus loose his zillion dollars a year job for saying stuff that wasn't nearly as offensive as this? Fortunately for Hardiman, I kind of doubt that he has enough brain power to hold an actual job.

pnoles said...

Pearlman - Don't worry, somehow the "Rickey on Rickey" piece was way better than this crap (though you're still not "off the hook" for it). I just said it reminded me.

Anonymous #1 - I'm actually very uncertain as to Ed Hardiman's status on know it's more of a blog than a column, but his seems more...."official" than the other random blogs. I don't know, I could be wrong. Either way, he's on my shitlist for life after that "Slobbermetrics" post a month or two back.

eriz said...

do a name search on He's most certainly a writer for the site.

pnoles said...

Ah, good, thanks for confirming (I'm very relieved to hear he's "legal" for bashing here).

Ed Hardiman said...

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate you taking time to not only read my scribble but also comment on it. This is very entertaining.

You can't be picky about your fans and a certain portion of them will irrationally hate your guts so its all good...

Best of Luck,
Drink in Hand,
Wish I had the Time...