Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Guys, I've Done Everything I Can, He Won't Shut Up

Yesterday, the White Sox signed Ozzie Guillen through 2012.

You all know what this means.

Uh oh.

I haven't even read this article yet. I can tell you in advance that it's bad enough for posting.

Well, it was nice knowing the Chicago White Sox, who officially have become an irrelevant laughingstock after turning a one-hit wonder into a long-term blunder.

You mean that they signed Carl Everett, Scott Podsednik, Neal Cotts, Cliff Politte, and Jose Contreras long-term? Those crazy White Sox....those guys are one-hit wonders!

Oh sorry. You meant the manager. He doesn't play.

They've handed a five-year contract to their clown act of a manager, Ozzie Guillen, even though he presides over what is dollar-for-dollar and loss-for-loss the most underachieving, unwatchable team in Major League Baseball history.

Jay's definition of "unwatchable" should be discarded, seeing as how he never watches any sports games. And as for underachieving, what was that PECOTA record of the Sox again? All together now, we've heard me say it soooo many times. Don't scroll down, I bet you can get it from memory.






See how he just writes the same article over and over again?

They've entrusted him with the keys to the asylum even though their record since July 2 of last year, in one of the monumental flip-flops we've seen in sports, is a revealing 98-129.

July 2, 2006

Scene: Jay's Office

Jay Mariotti: How long has it been, Justina?

Jay's Receptionist: Since when?

Jay Mariotti: Since he called me a fag.

Jay's Receptionist: Hmmm....June 20th was almost 2 weeks ago, why?

Jay Mariotti: I need to get back at him.....maybe I should mock his performance somehow? No. That won't work. I don't watch baseball. I need to find a way to show the world he's a lousy manager while knowing nothing about how he affects the team.

Jay's Receptionist: I....just kind of like, answer the phone.

Jay Mariotti: Dammit Cristina, you're no help!

Jay's Receptionist: Yeesh! Well why don't you just draw two columns on a piece of paper and start putting one tally in the left column for a win and one tally on the right for a loss? Then count them all up every day you want to write, and if it's bad for Ozzie have your story!

Jay Mariotti: You're a life saver, Christy!

Jay's Receptionist: I'm Rachel......

They've reanointed him the face of the franchise even though the Sox, failing miserably to capitalize on what now can be termed an aberrational 2005, have resumed their traditional identity as the distant No. 2 team in this Cubs fortress.

Here's a thought....ummm....the in a different divison and league, than....the Sox!

(This means, Jay, that the fact that the White Sox are last in the AL Central means more to them than whether or not they are worse than the Cubs)

They've conveniently ignored that a $109 million payroll, without major injuries or calamity, has produced a ghastly 61 wins this season -- way down there with Florida ($30 million) and Tampa Bay ($24 million) among the majors' worst records.

No major injuries. Huh.

White Sox Players Who Have Been Hurt in 2007

Scott Podsednik
Darin Erstad
Jim Thome
Jermaine Dye
Joe Crede (missed almost the whole year!)
Pablo Ozuna (ditto!)

But other than 5 starters and their most used bench player....nah, no major injuries. To be fair, none of those people called you a fag (as far as you know!), so there was no real reason for you to be paying attention to them anyway.

They've stood behind him even when he has embarrassed a city, a sport and two nations, including his native Venezuela, with his immature, insensitive and vapid ramblings.

Not only does this mark the 143rd time that Jay has used this sentence since July 2 of last year, it's complete and utter bullshit hyperbole as well!

And in the biggest of blind spots, they've extended Guillen despite the probable offseason availability of Tony La Russa, who never would have allowed the Sox to collapse the last two seasons and surely would point a talented team toward the playoffs next year. If La Russa can keep the St. Louis Cardinals in contention through their constant storm of tragedies and crises, imagine how he might whip the Sox into quick shape.

Excuse me, Jay, but in what way did La Russa keep the St. Louis Cardinals in contention? Did La Russa have something to do with Rick Ankiel coming back and OPS-ing the life out of the baseball? Did La Russa use his magnetic personality to drag the Milwaukee Brewers and Chicago Cubs down from the peak of their season to the dregs of the NL Central? La Russa did this? Really?

To La Russa's credit, the Cardinals are outperforming their Pythagenport by 5 games. But let's not confuse his efforts with "regression to the mean of the Brewers and Cubs".

As I've written and said often, Guillen and Williams -- and, of course, Reinsdorf -- are too concerned with what is written and said. But the Blizzard lost me Tuesday when he acknowledged he altered his managing style and became softer this year because of criticism directed at him last year. In what generally is a town of benign sports media, Guillen has only one regular critic: me.

Yes, Jay, you're the only person in Chicago that consistently says negative thing about Ozzie. All hail Jay Mariotti, defender of all that is true! This is possibly the most blind and egotistical claim that you've ever made. A lot of people criticize him in Chicago, and almost ALL of them do a better job than you. Here's a good example of why.

Nationally, where sports media are less boosterish, he has more critics. How stunning to see a man with opinions on everything -- a loudmouth willing to take on the world -- tone down his act behind closed doors because he couldn't take the heat.

And they're rehiring him for five more years?

Okay, what do you want the man to do? You tell him over and over that he's a vulgar, despicable loudmouth, and then now, in response to that criticism, he's toning down his act. And now you're criticizing him for that too??? You've gone beyond not making sense. This is fucking pathetic. The worst part is, you only wrote it because you're a fucking baby who couldn't let Ozzie's insults from last year slide. Who is it again that can't take the heat???? Keep firing bullets from the cheap seats Jay, I fucking can't wait for the next one.

(I HATE defending Ozzie Guillen)


dan-bob said...

I'm sure Venezuelans regularly hang their heads in shame at Ozzie's actions.

larry b said...

go here

and scroll about halfway down to see all the stuff celebrated on july 2. i'm trying to figure out why mariotti holds this day so sacred- maybe he's a big richard petty fan? maybe he hated president garfield and likes to celebrate the anniversary of his assassination?

pnoles said...

Yeah, he def picked a bad day. It's right after Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day! Ooh....and International Joke Day! Just think, the one day a year he can expose himself for the racist that he is! July 2 Jay, really?

Chris Hart said...

Couple things. First, as soon as I heard Ozzie got extended I started looking forward to A. Jay's article and B. pnoles shitting on it. Well done.

The July 2nd thing is totally insane. I can't figure it out. Look at their schdeule:

I guess he picked that date because they had been winning a lot up to that point... but if he wanted to really cherry pick he would have picked right after the all star break when they lost 10 of 12. I don't get it. Was that July 2nd Cubs game signifigant for some other reason?

Chris W said...

it should also be pointed out that even though Ozzie is not my choice of manager for this squad AND despite the questionable lineup decisions he's made (Mackowiack over BA anyone?) he still was the manager of the only Chicago World Series champ in almost 200 combined years of baseball

pnoles said...

Yeah. He did deserve a good amount of credit for keeping the pitchers healthy, and under him in 2005, players played at the upper end of their talent spectrum. I really don't have a problem with him except for questionable lineup decisions (as you said) and his love of sacrifice hitting.

Playing the game the way it was meant to be played, people.

Aaron said...

Decent work, but here's a little tip: the odds of the average reader giving a rat's ass about either "Pythagenport" or "PECOTA" are next to nil.

Anonymous said...

Amazing. Mariotti is dead to me tho. But isn't it funny how he rants about how the Sox are "an irrelevant laughing stock" who are ignorable, yet won't ignore them to save his life?