Sunday, September 16, 2007

more whining and moaning about bill simmons

loyal reader and simmons lover chris hart (and also at least one "anonymous") won't appreciate this. but hey... whatever. the sports guy's latest mailbag is a predictable cornucopia of mediocre analysis, terrible jokes, and one tragic swing and a miss on a pop culture reference (which is sad because pop culture is pretty much the only thing he consistently does well). let's take a look at all three of those problems, in that order:

I did think The Turncoat (aka Eric Mangini) should have been fined for blowing the whistle on Belichick and then inexplicably shaking his hand afterward. Stick to your guns, Mr. Mangineous. If you're going to sell out your old boss during the game, what better way to show your disgust than eschewing the postgame handshake and just walking off the field? What's the point of shaking hands? Hey, great game, congrats on the win. ... By the way, I ratted you out in the first quarter, sorry about that. My dad was more outraged about that two-faced move than anything since the Doc Rivers extension.

1. no one gives a shit about your family, stop bringing them up. 2. everyone knows that no matter how much you hate your opponent, you have to shake hands with them after a game in some sports. tennis players, hockey teams (after the final game of a playoff series), and football coaches have been exchanging frigid grasps of non-congratulations for years. you just can't not do it. it's the way things work.

now for a gosh-fucking-awful attempt at humor.

Q: I hate Nixon because of Watergate -- not because he did something stupid or illegal, but because every time somebody does something stupid or illegal now, "Gate" gets tacked onto the end of it. The Patriots are the latest example with "CameraGate." Everything bad ends with "Gate." I hate it. What if Nixon's burglars had broken into the Ritz Carlton? Would it have been "CameraCarlton" this week? Or "CameraRitz?" I don't think so. The expiration on tacking Gate onto the end of everything expired 20 years ago. I suggest you start a new naming convention for these kinds of stupidities and illegalities.-- Pat P., Dallas

SG: Not until there's a huge scandal at Colgate University. We need a ColgateGate.

no wonder jimmy kimmel's career has never quite taken off. if you think that's funny, you are either the kind of person that loves the comic strip "marmaduke" or such an enormous simmons fan that you're willing to let him get away with anything at this point. and keep in mind, this is a mailbag. it's not like he absolutely had to print that question. he sat down, read through hundreds of emails, decided this was one of the top fifteen or so, thought about it for some period of time, and finally came up with THAT response.

last but not least, the shocking missed pop culture reference:

Q: Don't feel too comfortable with the Moss Era. Remember, in '05, Moss's first game for the Raiders, he blew past your boys, too. Moss is (a) as brittle as an 80-year-old women with osteoperosis, (2) as moody as a 50-year-old woman in menopause and (d) as devoted as a Christina Ricci's character in "Black Snake Moan." So he encompasses all ages of womanhood. Brady might be a "leader", but so was Cris Carter, Art Shell, Warren Sapp, etc., and they couldn't keep him in check. Prediction: Moss will be on IR by Week 8, and you guys will still compete with Brady throwing to your shady sideline camera men as receivers. And the country will still hate all-things annoying and Boston.-- Nema, San Fran

SG: Believe me, I will never be comfortable with Moss. My guard couldn't be more up. By the way, I loved the fact that Nema used "a," "2" and "d" as the headers for his three reasons. Nobody ever said my readers were brain surgeons.

brain surgeons indeed. even i know that's from a monolouge by buzz in home alone, bill. maybe nema should have worked in something from the karate kid or the godfather instead.

look, simmons isn't that bad of a writer. i definitely admit that you can do a whole lot worse. but given his rampant popularity, sometimes i feel the urge to point out that he's often dumb/unfunny/clueless.


dan-bob said...

1. actually, you *can* just not shake hands - but you start a mini-controversy. pete gillen from XU wouldn't shake hands with huggins after an XU-UC game some years back and people still talk about it.

2. marmaduke lawl

3. notre dame rules

Chris W said...

A.) we have smoke alarms

2.) i'm not that lucky


D.) we live on the most boring street in the world where nothing remotely interesting ever happens

what a great reference by NEMA!

ps: marmaduke rules

pnoles said...


(I'm 100% sure that A.) was "I'm not that lucky)

Chris W said...

curse you pnoles!

pwned on the comment board!

jf said...

this article also features a few more "anecdotal bullshit/i'm just making things up" points that have become a bit of a topic in the comment sections...

"It's going to kill me if the Texans emerge as the 2007 Sleeper and I didn't pick them just because I stumbled across a Houston Chronicle article and their coach and GM didn't seem confident enough about the season..."

Wait, Bill, you mean - you saw something completed unrelated to any meaningful measure of sports performance and, using your amazing insight that most humans lack, predicted something sports related would come from it... and - you were wrong!! I don't believe it... you mean to tell me that articles where a coach isn't fiesty enough, or a glimpse of a 19 year old kid walking down a hallway may NOT be the best way to decide something about sports... yeah right... i mean, did you SEE the way D. Anderson slumped his shoulders last week... i, like you, recognized his slumping shoulders meant he knew, as he released the ball, that he was gonna overthrow his receiver - MAN is he gonna suck on sunday...
...oh wait

mark territory said...

"loyal reader and simmons lover chris hart (and also at least one "anonymous") won't appreciate this."

You guys really don't respond well to criticism, do you?

Chris W said...

chris hart is one of larry b's best friends


Jeff said...

Check plus for picking up the Home Alone reference.

The question is - did Bill think it was a joke, or that his reader really was an idiot?