Wednesday, December 10, 2008

WNTMQR: My name is Asshat, Pretentious Asshat.

Writer and International Man of Douchbaggery, Gregg Easterbrook, weighs in on Week 14 of the NFL season:

Stat of the Week No. 2:
Since taking the field in January for the playoffs, Green Bay is 5-9 and Jacksonville is 4-10.

Wait, you mean to tell me that two playoff teams from last year ARE NOT having the same level of success this year? No, no I can't wrap my head around that; that's just too crazy to fathom. Next you'll be saying something crazy like in 2007, The Ravens were 5-11, and in 2008 they're 9-4.

Stat of the Week No. 10: The Giants lost, and made the playoffs. The Chargers won, and were all but mathematically eliminated.

Holy-fuck-a-mole. A team that drops to 11-2 is guaranteed a playoff spot while a team that improves to 5-8 will in all likelihood not make the playoffs. What a weird, wild, wacky world we live in.

Sweet Play of the Week: The Ravens offer a mix of great defense, a terrific Division I-AA rookie quarterback, glamorous cheer-babes and innovative play calling. In addition to numerous gadget plays, Baltimore is pulling linemen and emphasizing misdirection. With the game scoreless, Baltimore faced third-and-10 on the Washington 29. The Nevermores lined up trips left, showing pass. The trips receivers ran crossing patterns while tailback Ray Rice took a sprint-draw left -- into the area the trips receivers just cleared -- behind a great pulling block by right guard Chris Chester. A 21-yard gain set up a Baltimore touchdown, and the hosts never looked back.

More than likely, the Ravens ran that play with the hope to pick up at least a few yards to make a field goal more manageable, and if they happened to pick up a first down, then bully for that. What is assured though is if the Ravens get stopped short of the first down on the draw play and kick a field goal, TMQ writes about how stupid it is to run the ball on 3rd and 10.

When he left college, nobody wanted Pierre Thomas; now everybody does.

Pierre Thomas now has exactly 2 games with 100+ rushing yards to his name. I'm sure the Carolina Panthers are wishing right now that they hadn't bought into all that hype behind DeAngelo Williams and wasted a first round pick on him, when he could so easily be replaced by Pierre Thomas.

My Name is Blah, James Blah: We've now endured two movies of the rebooted, supposedly "realistic" James Bond franchise, and at this point I'd like to go back to supervillains controlling outer space death rays. Supposedly, "Quantum of Solace" is "realistic." This film has four scenes in which multiple foes fire machine guns at Bond at close range for extended sequences, and every one of hundreds of bullets misses. Bond in response kills many bad guys with super-accurate long-range single shots from his small-caliber pistol, always while running -- he isn't even bracing the gun with two hands. Though conveniently Bond's pistol is one of those movie guns that never has to be reloaded no matter how often it's fired. Dozens of guys with automatic weapons missing at close range is realism? CIA agents trying to kill an MI6 agent by chasing him in a public place while firing machine guns is realism?

When I go to the movies, I want to see long, drawn out gun battles, where all parties involved take good cover and don't waste ammo by firing while moving/when they're too far away for their weapons to actually be effective. If any gun fight lasts less than 90 minutes, and doesn't end with the losers slowly bleeding to death, and then soiling themselves in their death throes, I don't want to watch it.

In the movie's most absurd scene -- and by saying this I don't mean to take anything away from the other absurd scenes -- Bond is put into an elevator with two MI6 agents assigned to prevent his escape; in seconds, Bond knocks both unconscious on his first punch, and escapes. Prizefighters elaborately train to try to knock people unconscious with one punch

Yeah, that's true Prizefighters seem to have the damnedest time knocking their opponents out with one punch, but maybe it has something to with the fact that they're wearing fucking gloves and fighting against guys who "elaborately train" to not get knocked out from one punch. Also, might I add, it's A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHAT.

Here's What Happens When You Don't Use Manly Man Tactics: Trailing 14-0 in the first half, Washington punted on fourth-and-2 at the Baltimore 43. After kicking a field goal to draw within 17-3 early in the fourth quarter, the Redskins did not onside kick; they kicked away. Washington was playing one of football's hottest teams. Victories don't come in the mail -- against a superior team, you must take chances!

Easterbrook conveniently forgets to mention that Baltimore immediately turned the ball over to Washington who then quickly scored a touchdown to make it a one score game. Seems as if the football gods (notice my lack of capitalization) favored the cowardly move on the Redskin's part.

"Friday Night Lights" Update: The series is down to its final episodes. In the latest, we see a high school playoff bracket with 32 teams while the voiceover says, "Dillon must win four games to reach the Texas championship." But the actual Texas 5A playoff bracket contains 64 teams; a team needs five postseason W's to reach the state championship. The "Friday Night Lights" gang is so obsessed with relationship talk and longing glances, they forgot to put enough teams in the playoffs!

I think my anonymous friend (let's just call him, Garry G.) sums up my thoughts best:

"This is now officially the worst fucking running item in the column. WE FUCKING GET IT, GREGG. THEY'RE NOT USING A REAL SCHEDULE. MOVE ON."

Well said, Garry.

15 comments:

Martin said...

I don't even click on his column anymore, I jsut wait for you guys to tell me how terrible it is! He has become too painful. His football analysis is not only flawed, but is intentionally deceptive. Hopefully the WWL will get rid of him soon.

Tonus said...

I like how he uses the same game to make a contradictory analysis. The Redskins are pussies for punting and kicking field goals on fourth down. The Ravens are awesome manly men for running the ball on third and ten.

Also, Gregg must be a really fun guy to watch action movies with.

Jeff said...

To me, the worst part of the column was this sentence:

"Trailing Cleveland 6-0, Tennessee went for it on fourth-and-1 on the Browns' 28 and got a touchdown; the Titans won. (Tennessee cleverly threw to blocking back Ahmard Hall, who lost a fumble on fourth-and-1 earlier in the year; knowing that, Cleveland totally ignored Hall.)"

Cleveland Huddle: "Okay guys, it's fourth down...everyone man up and do your part and we'll hold them...except...don't bother with even covering Ahmard Hall... despite being an NFL player who is totally capable of catching a football and getting a first down... because he had a fumble once, so he's, like, ruined"

Also, what does he want James Bond to just get riddled with bullets 10 minutes into the movie?

Anonymous said...

I checked this week before you, it seems, as he originally included the Eagles with the Chargers in the win and get mathematically eliminated point. Which I guess someone finally read and realized that the Eagles were far from eliminated.

Guy's such an asshat.

cs said...

I remember when Gregggg railed againted the movie "The Invasion" because, according to him, some of the scenes in DC had skyscrapers, and DC does not have skyscrapers. Except the fucking scenes with the skyscrapers take place in BALTIMORE. Which has... mother fucking skyscrapers. Douche bag.

It's pretty ironic that for a guy who is so concerned with the realism and hyper accuracy of entertainment, he sure as fuck isn't too concerned with the accuracy of his own column.

Does anyone want to start a book club and read Greggg's latest 'The Progress Paradox' with me? ...no? Ok.

Bengoodfella said...

I much prefer the weekly review of Gregg's column to his actual TMQ. I think ESPN should have Easterbrook give his column every week to FJM (there is only one now bitches) and have them break down all the problems with it, then post that on the ESPN website. I guarantee it would be a success. Easterbrook's TMQ is too long and drawn out to get all the way through.

If I had to watch a football game with him I would probably stab him halfway through the first quarter because all he would do is second guess every move the head coach makes. If you are going to see a James Bond film and you want realism, then you are asking to be disappointed or you are a complete and utter moron.

Jeff, I don't read Easterbrook's article, thanks for pointing that out. Considering most NFL players don't know the rules of the game, I also doubt they know which players on a team has fumbled in certain situations.

Bengoodfella said...

Pnoles, this is in response to yesterdays attempts to start a throwjimleyritzinjail.blogspot.com site for me. Please someone do this. He has annoyed me so much through the years, I would post on this site everyday.

I am beginning to feel remorse though ever since I cursed Kirby Puckett every night before I went to bed to death and he died of glaucoma.

dan-bob said...

Are the Ravens regularly referred to as the Nevermores?

cs said...

Gregggg has cute nicknames for every team. Jersey A / Jersey B for Giants and Jets, Deng Xiang Beng (Bears Who Have Good fortune, or whatever the fuck the Chinese is he uses instead of Chicago Bears), the Potomac Drainage Basin Indians or whatever it is he calls the Redskins.

The Nevermores is just one of the many shitty, and unfunny nicknames he has created over the years.

Chris W said...

Get it? Like that Edgar Allen Poe that everyone's read and therefore referencing it shows nothing but an unsubstantiated pretentiousness?????

POETRY! He must be s-m-r-t smart!

Fred Trigger said...

Did anyone catch Kevin Mench's new article?
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8929680

Seemed like fire jay material to me.

Anonymous said...

Now Easterbrook is using his inane theories to advertise!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/giftguide/2008/holiday/giftguide?category=page2&productId=3730679

Frigidevil said...

Wow Fred Trigger, i came just to post that exact same article. It just screams expose my every flaw and kill me now

Chris W said...

Guys--

good looking out. I'd totally post up on that article, but it would pretty much amount to this:

"Hench excerpt."

This is stupid

"Hench excerpt"

This is stupid

"Hench excerpt"

Dear God...this is stupid.

Chris W said...

ah to hell with it.