Monday, December 1, 2008

Peter King: Fat, stupid v3.0

Monday Morning Quarterback needs to stop.

2. Tennessee (11-1). It's like the debacle against the Jets never happened.

You know which football team is really bad? Detroit. They stink. They’re the 32nd best team in football, right behind the other 31. If the Crimson Tide, Gators, Sooners and Longhorns started their own NFL Division, the Lions would be the 36th worst team in football. They’re awful. As such, crushing Detroit completely eliminates all evidence of a debacle four days prior.

4. Dallas (8-4). I understand the consternation of you who follow "The Fine Fifteen'' rankings, who set your watches by them, who believe in them the way you believe in everything your mother ever told you. And you wonder how I can be jumping the Cowboys over teams more consistently better. Simple. They're better than Carolina, better than Tampa Bay, better than Atlanta, better than Washington.

There are what, three people that this applies to?

11. New England (7-5). Ever notice you're a lot better when you hold onto the ball? Matthew Slater's lucky I like his dad so much, or he'd have been my Goat of the Week for that monumental fumble on the kickoff against the Steelers, with the Patriots down only 13-10. Then the roof caved.

Peter King’s house this morning. King is eating his third jelly donut and is on his second pot of coffee. [Phone rings.]

King: Hello

Voice: Hi Peter, this is Dru Evarts from Ohio University, do you remember me?

King: Oh, Professor Evarts, I do, how have you been, and to what do I owe the honor?

Evarts: I’m well. I was reading your column this morning. Do you remember your journalism ethics class that I taught?

King: Vaguely.

Evarts: Well, do you remember us discussing how to be an unbiased journalist?

King: To be honest Professor, I was probably high during most of your classes.

Evarts: Oh, is that why you were snacking all the time?

King: No, that was just because I was fat.

Evarts: Oh, well, I thought I should call and let you know that it’s never a good idea to let your feelings about someone get in your way of reporting the news.

King: …

Evarts: Peter, are you there?

King: When have I ever done that?

[King slams phone down in disgust.]

You did it right here Peter. Right, fucking, here.

e. Tony Corrente, please learn the meaning of "indisputable visual evidence.'' If there's one thing that gets my goat about instant replay in the NFL, it's referees overturning plays that have some doubt to them. And if you can tell me with 100 percent certainty that the Steve Smith incompletion in the Giants-Redskins game, with Corrente the referee -- as ruled by the officials on the field -- was actually a completion, I'll eat a helmet.

Actually, that’s what Corrente did Sunday afternoon. And Peter King gets fatter.

h. Playoff Express Derailment III: The Chargers lost two straight at home within eight days. They are playing like lost sheep.

Entering Sunday’s game against Atlanta, San Diego was 4-7. By no means were they arguably playoff bound. Entering last Sunday’s game against Indianapolis, San Diego was 4-6. They weren’t playoff bound then, either.

You know what derailed San Diego’s Playoff Express? Losing Shawne Merriman for the season, combined with losing in weeks 1, 2, 5, 7, 8, and 11.

i. Bad, bad call by Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy in a 28-all tie with two minutes left against Carolina. With a fourth-and-one at the Panther 1, McCarthy kicked the field goal rather than try to punch it in. A field goal gives Carolina the chance to drive down for the winning touchdown. A touchdown assure the Packers of no worse than going to overtime, assuming Carolina doesn't score a touchdown and go for two. Getting stopped at the 1 on fourth down makes Carolina have to go 65 yards for a good shot at a winning field goal. I hated the field goal call because the Panthers, who'd been moving the ball well, only had to move into field-goal range to extend the game to overtime.

Peter King, meet Gregg Easterbrook.

What if McCarthy had chosen to go for it and they’d been stopped? Carolina needed just twenty-seven seconds to go 55 yards in two plays. It’s not unreasonable to think that it’s bloody likely that the Panthers would have gained another 10-15 needed to kick a game winning field goal, in this instance, in the 1:33 they’d have had left on the clock.

I’m beyond tired of reading criticism or praise of coaches’ decisions when the people criticizing know full well that it was a judgment call. If, when a coach is making one of these judgment calls, the thought “well, if this works out, he’ll be praised for making the right call, and if it doesn’t, he’ll be vilified for it” pops into your head, well then, you’re not allowed to drone on about how stupid/smart a coach is.*

j. I believe Monte Kiffin is gone, leaving to work with his son at Tennessee, as ESPN reported Sunday. Makes too much sense not to happen.

You don’t say. You know who else believes this? Everyone who watches ESPN and knows that they probably wouldn’t be reporting on something if they hadn’t confirmed its accuracy. You know, because ESPN isn’t you, and all.

2. I think you can make book on Plaxico Burress playing elsewhere in 2009, assuming he's not in jail.

You think I could make book on something that is most certainly going to be the case? Way to go out on a limb there.

d. You miss a few more of those extra-point kind of field goals, Rian Lindell, and you'll be applying for jobs in Calgary. The 20-yard miss was the shortest miss by a Bill since 1981.

Ryan Lindell, for his career from 29 yards and in: 79 of 85. Or, two misses every three years if you want to look at it that way.

Probably a safe bet Lindell won’t be missing any more chip shots; because he, for the most part, doesn’t.

e. Do not blame Aaron Rodgers when the Packers miss the playoffs. Blame the Green Bay rush defense -- Carolina had 94 yards on the ground in the first 20 minutes at Lambeau.

Or, if you’re lazy, blame the Packers coach.

f. Terrible play by Derrick Ward in Giants-Redskins, running out of bounds with 29 seconds left in the first half, a yard short of the first down on third down, instead of diving for the first-down marker, which he definitely could have made. You don't make money in this league by imitating Franco Harris, Derrick.

Franco Harris is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Don’t imitate Franco Harris.

a. Starting to hear Mark Teixeira is going to sign for seven or eight years somewhere, probably in Anaheim. And no, I don't call a team an hour outside of Los Angeles "Los Angeles.''

You’re a rebel without a cause, Peter.

c. Plaxico Burress (pre-gunshot) agreed with me about the insanity of the Knicks dumping players and salary two seasons in advance of being able to bid for LeBron James. His point, like mine, is this: What do you tell Knick ticket-buyers who are paying $244.50 for a decent seat (I am serious) for the next two years to see a JV team? I've never heard of something so insane in pro sports.

1) Plaxico Burress agreeing with you, at this point, probably doesn’t reflect well on your credibility.

2) Shit like this happens all the time in pro sports, specifically the NBA. The Celtics in 2006-07, the Heat last year. Ever heard of either of those situations, Peter?

d. Coffeenerdness: Standing in line at Starbucks at this time of year borders on the maddening. The holiday drinks, the sandwiches, the special sprinkles on top of the coffee ... Howard Schultz is trying to be too many things to too many people.

You mean, sort of like you, writing about anything other than football; which you’re not good at writing about anyway?

* = Unless Peter King someday becomes an NFL head coach. In this case, feel free to rip all you'd like.


Angelo said...

I am asking this question seriously after seeing some of the lions' game and the bengals' highlights. What would the score of a Detroit Lions vs Oklahoma/USC/Florida game be, if played next week? I'd like to say "it's still the nfl, regardless of how bad they are- Detroit 31-10 or so." I would have said that until this week.

Chris W said...

I think you should still say that.

cb said...

It's bad enough he's a crappy football writer. Does he really need to give us his opinions on the rest of sports and the world in general, too?

Bengoodfella said...

Peter King is horrible. His comment about liking Slater's father so he won't say anything negative about his son is a perfect example of completely biased journalism.

Chris W said...

you guys are taking that comment a little too seriously

it may be an example of how peter king has a lame sense of humor, but stop queening out like it's a hallmark of biased journalism.

I'll give you a hint: by saying "i'm not going to mention this dude's fumble or call it a 'monumental' error" he's ACTUALLY MENTIONING THE DUDE'S FUMBLE and CALLING IT A MONUMENTAL ERROR.

Tonus said...

"It's like the debacle against the Jets never happened."

Except for, you know... the "1" under the loss column.

That had to be the worst part of the whole column. The Titans, somehow, managed to put that crushing loss behind them and beat the worst team in the history of the universe.

If the Lions go 0-16 and then win their first game of the next season, expect Peter King to tell us that "it's like the debacle against last year's schedule never happened."

Bengoodfella said...

Chris, I know we are taking the comment too literally. If there is any columnist in the world that would do that, it is Peter King though.

I would like to stick to my thought that Peter King was not being funny but being serious, that makes him seem more biased to me. It makes it easier to rip on him. I have to take everything literally though, it makes his comments seem so much worse.

Chris W said...

peter king does indeed suck

Bengoodfella said...

Please don't yell at me in capital letters either, it hurts my feelings.

I googled the word "queening out" and that hurts my feelings as well. So not only have you chastised me for taking things out of context, you have also made a remark that I am effeminate and defended Peter King.

Seriously though, Peter King cuddles up to players like crazy, you have to think it is funnier to think he is biased.

Bengoodfella said...

Chris are you a Green Bay fan? I notice you say you are from there...if so, I am going to apologize for the game yesterday. Apparently the Panthers waited until the fourth quarter for the "throw the ball up in the air and hope to God Steve Smith catches it" play.

I may be a little biased but I have seen him do things like that 100 times and I don't know why he is not mentioned before T.O. and all the other other elite receivers. He has to be the best or second best receiver in the NFL receiver.

Bengoodfella said...

Ok, back to back to back posts. Take "receiver" out of that last sentence and I promise to proof read next time. Wouldn't want the spelling Nazis to get me.

Chris W said...

I am a Bears fan, God help me

Bengoodfella said...

Yes, God help you. On the bright side, they made the Super Bowl a few years ago, that has to count for something right now. Though Minnesota is 7-5, doesn't it suck to lose to them? You always feel like you have lost to an inferior team.

Chris W said...

I don't know. I've been of the opinion that the Bears are a lousy team since the season began. I would think the Vikes probably felt like they lost to a shitty team when they let us score like 40 on them in October

Bengoodfella said...

I thought the Bears were pretty good when the Panthers played them. Of course they tend to make a lot of teams look a lot better than they really are.

You know who really sucks? Peter King.

Chris W said...

Peter King is the Kyle Orton of sportswriting. Complete with Neckbeard

CHart said...

Whoa, anyone else feel like we just walked in on Chris W and BenGoodFella post coital pillowtalk session?

Chris W said...


cs said...


Chris W said...

pnoles said...


Bengoodfella said...

Chart, that was pretty funny, I have to give you that. Good stuff. That's what I get for carrying out a long conversation on the comment board I guess.

Anonymous said...

A few years ago when the Bungles were shitty (when weren't they?) and the Buckeyes were rolling, morons here in Ohio sincerely believed that OSU could actually beat them.

I guess having 4 or 5 "NFL-caliber" players on the field vs. 11 somehow equals a win.

Any college team against the Lions would be down 77-2 at halftime (assuming Dan Orlovsky still doesn't know how big the end zone is).

Anonymous said...

'a. Starting to hear Mark Teixeira is going to sign for seven or eight years somewhere, probably in Anaheim. And no, I don't call a team an hour outside of Los Angeles "Los Angeles.'''

So this would mean King only writes about the Auburn Hills Pistons and Irving Cowboys, right?