Friday, June 27, 2008's 2nd Worst Writer is Back!

It's been awhile, Mr. Ventre! I see you chose not to write about the Dodgers or the Angels this time! You're basically the West-coast version of HatGuy, aren't you?

(Side note, realizing that he didn't write about either L.A. team, Ventre snapped today after getting no sleep and wrote a bogus column about an all-L.A. World Series this year. Because it's smart to go around talking about a sub-.500 team making it that far, right?)

Anyway, no one is sick of this Shawn Chacon garbage yet, are they?

Attacking your GM isn't good career move

I'm really getting giddy here. Is this going to be a column all about why you shouldn't do that? Like, someone needs to TELL the public why this is stupid? What's your purpose in life, Ventre? Was crap like this your true calling?

Generally speaking, if one has an eye toward career advancement, it’s not a good idea to grab your boss by the neck and wrestle him to the ground.

And the "I Have No Idea If You're Joking or Not" saga continues. Either way, this is miserable.

I did it a few times and it was always a disaster. Apparently my superiors didn’t appreciate the frivolity.

Right, I bet you did. And let me guess, it was such a disaster that you became one of the most underqualified men for a job in your field in history. Really, it just halted your career.

Now, unfortunately for Shawn Chacon, he has that resume buster to live with. On Wednesday, the Houston Astros’ pitcher was released after he collared his general manager, Ed Wade, and tossed him to the canvas.

This type of activity would be a welcome addition to the skill set of say, a professional wrestler or a mixed martial arts king. In that realm, brutality born out of anger gets one a gold star. Ditto for linebackers and surfers fending off paparazzi in Malibu.

The question remains: why are you telling me this?

And a major league player can even get away with it, as long as its done in the context of a bench-clearing brawl, or in answering a particularly nettlesome question from a sportswriter.

Last I checked, you can still get suspended and fined.......

But in this case, Chacon miscalculated badly.

I am close to beating my head against the wall. Let me check the headlines of Ventre's past articles real quick to make sure this column is just an anomaly.

"Steroids Closely Linked to Negative Reputation in Baseball."

"Pitchers Who Effectively Get Outs are Most Sought After in Trade."

"Settling a Debate: Baseball IS a Sport."

"Attacking Your GM Isn't Good Career Move."

Could you honestly pick one of these that doesn't belong?

(DISCLAIMER: Headlines might be real or fictional. Exactly one is real. The second one is fictional. Fictional headlines solely created for the purpose of exposing Michael Ventre as King Dumbass of the Universe.)

He may have believed that decking his boss would be interpreted as no biggie in the boys-will-be-boys atmosphere of The Show.

Do you really believe this? Is any human being this clueless?

I'll clarify something for you Ventre. There is no fucking way in a million years that Shawn Chacon thought that he could take Ed Wade by the throat and choke-slam him without consequences. I can't believe I had to type that. Was it irrational due to the anger of the situation? Absolutely. But there is no fucking way he thought that it would be shrugged off as "boys-will-be-boys".

Yet he failed to realize the lousy-pitchers-will-be-lousy-pitchers aspect of the scenario.


This entire affair sprung out of Chacon’s inability to get batters out. He had been demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, mostly because he is 2-3 with a 5.04 ERA in 15 starts for Houston. He set a record with nine no-decisions to start the season.

I’m not a human resources expert, but I know that when an employee consistently submits poor performances, he usually gets written up. The top brass likes to develop a paper trail before it cans a loser.

At least you're self aware. Whoever your boss is has quite the paper trail to work with. were talking about Chacon. Yeah....he sucks too.

This is a time when Chacon should have spotted the red flags and tried to be nicer to his boss. Maybe the right-hander could have invited Wade out for a martini and regaled him with tales of his exotic golf excursions, or gushed over photographs of Wade’s family, or offered to wash Wade’s car.

Yeah. Can you imagine?


Shawn Chacon: I'm going to stop you right there, sir. How would you like to join me for a martini and listen to tales of my exotic golf excursions? My you have beautiful children, and a fantastic car! Would you do me the honor of letting me wash it?

(I really, really don't want to continue doing this. There comes a point when saying "dude, what the fuck?" really doesn't cut it entertainment-wise anymore.)

But snagging him by the neck and whipping him to the turf – while certainly qualifying as out-of-the-box thinking – seems to be counterproductive.


(I can't even make an effort anymore. I'd have to repeat my own disparagings to disparage what he has already repeated.)

Chacon may have adversely affected any future job opportunities by clobbering his boss.

Emphasis on "may have".

(Good God this is terrible. This "story" has received a 3.5/5 from the rating of 29 people. There are officially too many stupid people in this world.)

It’s all so curious that Chacon would have acted like he did. For instance, the incident was precipitated by a confrontation in which Wade asked Chacon to come into his office for a chat.

Theory: It's all so curious that (Event X happened).

Supporting Point 1: For instance, (Fact that does not have much bearing on the likelihood of Event X happening).

(This guy would have struggled to be an above-average writer in my 8th grade English class. Speaking of which, I wonder what Johnny Hamlin is up to these days. I should give him a call. Or try to obtain a copy of something he wrote in 8th grade and make fun of it here. You know, it's just as fair.)

Call me a cynic, but I would have to believe the fact that Chacon is making $2 million this season figured into his decision to say things to Wade like, “You need to …” and “You better …”

Are you saying that Chacon considers $2 million a lot, or not enough? You need to use words like "only" and "just" to......God never mind.....

(You're a fucking cynic. Take that, Ventre.)

I’ve always thought ballplayers are just like the rest of us, willing to roll up their sleeves for a hard-earned buck and respectful of the company’s hierarchy.

Really. You thought ballplayers are just trying to grind out their hard-earned buck. Just like the rest of us. Just regular people. That's how most ballplayers view themselves. Just trying to pay the rent and get fed.

(Shawn Chacon has made $12,160,000 in his major league career. Pretty blue-collar. Just rolling up his sleeves.)

It may not be fair to judge a person based on one incident, but there are exceptions: Lee Harvey Oswald; the captain of the Exxon Valdez; [Latrell] Sprewell, and now Chacon.

Let's see. We have listed the athlete in question for the article, the guy you just got finished comparing him to (Sprewell), and a very famous man for assassinating a U.S. President. Pretty good, pretty relevant. And what's this? In addition we're going to toss in the captain of an oil tanker that spilled 19 fucking years ago. Not only is that a completely bizarre and random reference, you're talking about people who committed violent acts and lumping them in with a guy charged with negligence.

(This is so hopeless. Is anyone even reading this anymore? I know I wouldn't want to. You should all go do something better with your lives.)

But Sprewell had roughly $23 million coming to him when the Golden State Warriors tried to void his contract. Chacon isn’t that rich, and he isn’t that good. His decision to clock his boss doesn’t really make sense on any level.

Shut up already.....

Sometimes a corporate retreat does the trick. There are also consultants trained in the area of employer-employee relationships. But in this delicate economy, when so many jobs are at risk, energy costs are rising and the housing market is mush, it’s probably imprudent to create tension in the workplace at this particular juncture.




Whatever I'll just say it.


(I'm pretty sure this is a pathetic joke and not actually serious. But why is webspace being wasted on this trash?)

Now for the last sentence of the column. It's the best ending sentence I have ever read. Like, it trumps everything Mariotti has ever done. Therefore, I'm going to copy it here, and not make a comment afterwards, because nothing would quite do it justice.

Maybe Chacon should have made friends while he was in the bullpen, because right now he could use a save.


CitizenX said...

Isn't starting a season with 9 straight no decisions just kind of a statistical blip?

And doesn't that mean that he "gave his team a chance to win" or however the cliche goes?

larry b said...


(Re: the concluding joke)