Wednesday, June 18, 2008

FUCK FUCK FUCK! No! All Wrong! Bad!

But....but this is the OPPOSITE of what we wanted to happen!

Mariotti signs Sun-Times contract extension

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jay Mariotti has agreed to a contract extension that will keep the award-winning sports columnist at the Sun-Times through May, 2011, Editor-in-Chief Michael Cooke said today.

Or alternatively, they could have saved money and just reprinted the same 5 columns over and over again

"The Sun-Times sports franchise is a robust, influential brand locally and nationally. It's the one place for independent, politically unimpeded sports commentary in Chicago," Mariotti said. "The Sun-Times provides for a strong base from which to connect with readers

You don't allow reader comments. How the fuck do you "connect" with readers?

while I continue my television work

You call yelling at Woody Paige work?

"Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a focal point of our strong, award-winning team that produces simply the best sports news in print and online anywhere," Cooke said.

I'm sorry, NEWS??? You think THAT'S what Jay has been printing all these years? Let's just take this totally random and not cherry-picked excerpt from some column Jay wrote last October.


GREEN BAY, Wis. -- What a dope, that Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he have better things to do with his life? A lifelong Bears fan from Iowa, he and wife Demi Moore ventured from Hollywood to Cheesewood to see his team play the Packers. They even brought their friends, lovebirds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake -- the same Timberlake who participated in an infamous wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl.

I would have predicted a franchise malfunction Sunday night.


NEWS!

"We are excited to continue working with Jay, and for him to continue to pull no punches when it comes to his exceptional sports commentary."

Exceptional. Right. Here is the exceptionally genius method with which Jay writes.

Step 1) Find a scapegoat. It can be anyone who screws up majorly and deserves it, anyone who screws up minorly and doesn't deserve it, or someone you just plain don't like.

Step 2) Harp on that person's faults relentlessly for 10-15 paragraphs. Relevance is unnecessary. Avoid talking about sports at all costs.

Step 3) Repeat. And I don't mean repeat the process. Repeat with the same scapegoat and same irrelevant criticisms.

Congratulations, Chicago Sun-Times. This is truly a proud day for you.

9 comments:

Tonus said...

Want to know what is wrong with sports reporting and analysis? The fact that people like Jay Mariotti, Bill Plascke, and other hacks are

award-winning sports columnist(s)


You can win awards for being awful at covering sports.

Andy said...

Hey, at least you guys have job security until 2011 now. There will be no shortage of shit streaming from Mariotti's pen for you to rip apart and expose for...well...shit.

Bengoodfella said...

Andy has a good point that you are going to have job security until 2011. This is what the press release would look like:

"Fire Jay Mariott has been signed to a contract extension to get Jay Mariotti fired until 2011. Fire Jay Mariotti is a cutting edge and influential in the online community. It is the one place where pithy critique and comedic remarks provide the viewer with insight to how awful Jay Mariott truly is. The writers connect with the readers using their supreme wit and ability to make up new curse words. We look forward to reading them for years to come."

John Foley said...

Maybe he should get an honorary degree from Northwestern next.

Bengoodfella said...

I meant "cutting edge and influential blog in the online community."

I know this is off topic but how about Tiger Woods winning the U.S. Open and needing knee surgery. Not that he has to do too much other than walk up and down a golf course, but that is still pretty tough.

Kevin said...

Hey, did anyone notice this is the same sort of hype Comedy Central gives for Mind of Mencia?

"I'M SO POLITICALLY INCORRECT, BY WHICH I MEAN FUNNY, THAT YOU WILL BE KILLED BY GOVERNMENT OPERATIVES IF YOU DON'T WATCH MIND OF MENCIA!"

If Mariotti starts writing things like "dee dee dee!", we'll know for sure.

cs said...

Ben, I agree man it's def incredible. It was an awesome tournament. The news today just adds to it.

Bengoodfella said...

I think the Sun-Times should have not tried to compliment Mariotti for being a great writer. They should have just sent out a press release basically saying he may be a poor writer with nothing to say but he sells copies of the paper and makes them money. Therefore they are going to keep him around. Also, they realize no one at the paper likes him but until someone else makes them more money, he sticks around.

Then at least they would be honest.

Tyrone Briggs said...

Jay the Joke shares your pain.