The Miseducation of Jemele Hill...

Jemele Hill is a terrible writer. This story is on the lack of respek for the spurs. It's a few weeks old, but it's so goddamed terrible I had to write on it. Seriously, how does such a shitty writer like Hill get a job writing professionally about sports? I mean I can understand how she was on the staff for the Orlando Sentinel. It's a shitty newspaper in a fucking god awful city, and there's only one sports team in town (that nobody cares about). But ESPN? I mean, I know they have thir share of incompetant writers, but goddamn this fucking idiot takes the cake. This one is example #2,315 of why women shouldn't write about men's sports.

Put the Spurs in Doc's DeLorean. Turn the dial to the 1980s, or early-to-mid 1990s. Just put them in a time when basketball fans weren't huge hypocrites.

Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this one. You'll notice later on this is her first of approximately 200 pop culture refrences jammed into this 10 paragraph article, describing why basketball today is nothing like it was in the 80s and 90s

You know how they say some people are before their time? Well, the Spurs are behind their time. In today's Paris Hilton-obsessin', 360-degree-dunkin'-lovin,' sexy-soundbite-wantin', entertain-me-me-me culture, the Spurs are an Atari in a land full of Wiis.

You got that? Let's go over it again:

In today's Paris Hilton-obsessin'

Who was a small child in the 80s. I'm not even sure what this line means. What the hell does Paris Hilton have to with basketball? And what the hell is the difference between the sexual exploits of Paris Hilton and Madonna back in the 80s?

360-degree-dunkin'-lovin

When was the last time the All-Star dunk contest was relevant? Oh that's right, well over 10 years ago, during your golden age of basketball.

sexy-soundbite-wantin'

Do you have an editor, Jemele? What the hell does this mean? Is this cryptic code for something? Are you sending messages through Page 2 to Terrorists in Iran? To be honest, though the first thing I thought of when I read this was that video game, "NBA JAM." You guys remember that fucking game? I loved it. Players taking off for enormous tomahawk dunks from the 3 point like... "OOOHHHHHH BOOM SHAKALAKA!" Half court 3-point jumpers "from WAAAY DOWNTOWN. HE'S ON FIRE!!!!"

And don't even get me started on the hypocrisy of someone who writes for ESPN complaining about "sexy soundbites"

entertain-me-me-me culture

Did you know that the NBA was only recently watched for entertainment purposes? Back in the 80s, various court systems made convicted felons attend basketball games as an alternative form of punishment. I mean, I'm old school and all, so I don't go to Basketball games to be entertained, like these kids today, that's for sure.

the Spurs are an Atari in a land full of Wiis.

I just want to make sure we got this right. So what you're saying is that the Spurs are a popular video game system in a land full of popular video game systems? I just want to make sure you and I are on the same page here Jemele.

These millennium Spurs, now winners of four titles in nine years, were born at the wrong time. That's why they are, by far, the most underappreciated, disrespected champion in NBA history.

Man we ain't get no respek. The reason here is that, while the Spurs are a very, very good basketball team, (a) they play in a tiny market, and (b) they are boring to watch, regardless of era.

But imagine them in the '80s with Bird, Kareem, Magic and Zeke. Imagine their execution facing the Pistons' toughness. Imagine Duncan against McHale. Imagine Rodman and Bowen competing for most irritating. Bet we wouldn't call the Spurs unwatchable then.

I would still call them unwatchable. I'd rather see Magic vs Bird (west vs east) than Duncan vs Bird any day of the week. Sorry. And don't even try to compare Rodman to Bowen. Rodman was a riot on and off the court. He was a pest on the court, getting into other players' faces and committing hard fouls. Bowen's calling card, on the other hand, is attempting to ruin other players' careers by shattering their ankles.

Bird, Kareem, Magic, Zeke, Rodman, McHale, Jordan: Not boring
Duncan and the Spurs: Boring

Imagine the Spurs in the early-to-mid '90s playing Jordan. Imagine Duncan versus Malone. Imagine Duncan versus Barkley. Imagine Popovich versus Sloan. Imagine the Spurs' big three rolling to Chicago trying to take the crown from Mike. Bet the television ratings wouldn't be so bad then.

The ratings wouldn't be bad because Jordan, Malone, and Barkley would have been playing.

Imagine the Spurs against the '82-83 Sixers. Imagine Moses Malone's "fo', fo', fo'" prediction contrasting with Tony Parker's French accent. Bet we wouldn't call the Spurs boring then.

We would have just waved our "Beat It" jackets in the air and cheered for the Spurs.

No "we" wouldn't have done this. As much as you want to look back on the past with your rosy goggles, It's simply not true. Lots of people hated the Bird-era Celtics, the Jordan-era Bulls, and the Magic-era Lakers. Why? because people don't like watching the same team win over and over again, unless they are from that city, or a huge bandwagoning faggot who like rooting for the team that always wins.

Ask yourself: When was the last time one of the Spurs was arrested? When was the last time one of the Spurs whined about playing time? More money? Demanded a trade?

Think about that the next time you groan because the Spurs were in the Finals.

I'm not sure how this is relevant, but okay, I guess.

We treat the Spurs like they're a punishment. It's not the Spurs' fault they still do things the '80s way.

Flopping, like it or not, is a new aspect of the game. It also happens to be one of the things the Spurs do best. I don't want to get into the whole "omg u flopped" argument, but it's the truth. Once european players were introduced into the game, they started taking advantage of NBA refs who called fouls based on the reaction of the "fouled" player. I'm not saying the Spurs are an illegtimate champion, but a huge part of their success has been milking the refs for fouls. Is it legal? sure. Is it annoying? You decide.

It's not the Spurs' fault that most teams in the NBA aren't committed to defense.

Hey, what do you know? Halfway through the article, Jemele Hill finally makes a valid point.

It's not the Spurs' fault the Eastern Conference is the professional version of the NCAA's Patriot League.

Yes, which is why 2 out of the last 4 NBA champions have come from the East.

It's not the Spurs' fault they're the best-run organization in the NBA.

Once again, this is very true. The Spurs run a tight ship, are good at scouting and developing players, and maintaining a winning team with very few contract issues.

It's not the Spurs' fault that Tim Duncan, the most accomplished player in the post-Jordan era, doesn't fit the stereotype of black male athletes and therefore won't garner widespread, national attention until he holds up a 7-Eleven.

Oh, okay. But Jemele, how do you explain the incredible success of black athletes like Jordan and Tiger Woods? Don't worry, she has an answer in this abortion of an article she wrote about black athletes (who believe it or not, don't get any respek either)

Excellence is a big reason Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods became the most popular athletes on Earth, but part of their appeal is they have nonthreatening personalities and rarely take a stance on controversial issues.

Gotcha. Let's hear about the Spurs again.

We're always quick to lament how much today's athlete has changed, but the truth is our fan values have changed just as much. It was once a no-brainer to embrace a team like the Spurs. Wish we could transport them back to a time when we cared more about what they stand for.

They stand for winning basketball games, which is nice, but you haven't made any point in this article, except for masturbating about NBA matchups that can't exist. Hyperbole and pop culture references will only get you so far. She still didn't address two points:

1. The Spurs are a small market team
2. The Spurs are boring. She addressed this one in a roundabout fashion, "If the Spurs played an exciting team from the past, bet you wouldn't call the Spurs boring." I would and here's why. Their 3 best players are a mousy Frenchman, another forgien guy who falls down a lot, and a cyborg named Tim Duncan. Duncan, while a great basketball player, is boring as fuck to watch. He has gigantic arms, a 6 inch vertical jump, and scores on exactly the same play every single possesion. They win, but as ratings have shown, nobody cares because it's boring to watch and the Spurs, once again, are a small market team. Maybe fans don't appreciate old skool basketball, but maybe they'd would rather watch Dancing with the Stars because they're sick of seeing the same fucking play/game/series on a repeated loop season after season.