Greeting from a Mile High

Hello friends, I'm the new guy here. Larry sent me an invitation, I guess because any sports blog worth anything needs at least one writer who is not infatuated with Notre Dame football.

Larry and I go way back; we've known each other since we went to middle school in lovely Louisville, Colorado. Like most of Larry's friends, I love watching and arguing about professional sports. Fuck the war in Iraq, forget about the ups and downs of the real estate market; my only concerns in life are pondering meaningful questions such as who will be the MVP in the NFL Pro Bowl, or which supermodel Tom Brady is going to fuck while he's thinking about Roger Federer's lean yet muscular body and flowing locks of hair.

Being from Colorado, I am completely gay for any and all Colorado sports, with one exception: The Colorado Avalanche. It's not the team or the sport, I just hate Avalanche fans: fans who have never seen a losing team, boo at completely inappropiate times, and would rather sit in their $90 seats and talk about Stock options and arranging their kids' soccer practice carpools, than you know, WATCH THE GAME.

This brings me to three things that drive me nuts about sports:

1. Bandwagoning fans

You are from Witchita, Kansas. You have never been to Boston. And I'm sure you've been following the Red Sox since you were 5. Take off that brand new Rex Sox hat (it may be ripped but there's still a sticker on it), and go to some Royals games.

2. Big Market Circlejerks

There are 35 million people in California, 19 million people in New York, and 14 million people in New England. That's roughly 68 million people, a lot of people to market to.

Here's the problem: there are 300 million people in the USA. Those three places only acount for about 23% of the USA's population, and yet coverage of their teams dominate sports media. It is fucking absurd that sports websites like ESPN.com only show web video recaps of teams from those areas. The Yankees beat up the Devil Rays 8-1??? Better make sure SportsNation(tm) knows about it. The Rockies and Diamondbacks play a thrilling extra-innings game that may have implications in NL West seeding? Who cares.

The problem goes just beyond the quantity of coverage: sportswriters, believe it or not, are more likely to praise and hype big market teams. I'm sick of it, and I get the feeling a lot of Americans are sick of it too. Average Joe must get frustrated when he has to suffer through a 10 minute segment on Roger Clemens' AA debut to see 20 seconds of coverage on his team's game. The problem is that no one stops watching ESPN or reading SI. I'm guilty of it too. For me it's like staring at a brutal car wreck: I want to turn away, but it's so horrifying I can't stop.

The normal response should be stop watching or reading, or better yet pay attention to something different. And as much as people (for the most part correctly) rag on Fox News, they actually did for cable news what I want to happen to sports. People wanted to hear about the news on their terms... and Fox news provided the service. I hope a new network comes along and punches ESPN in the gut, a network that shows people what they want to see. For all the success Fox Sports has had, they are too localized. I want to keep up with the national sports scene without silly homerism and bad Late Night sports shows.

3. Lazy Sports Journalism

See also King, Peter

I was talking to Larry today about how stupid baseball power rankings are. Check this week's SI power rankings.

Here's a step by step process on how to write "professional" MLB power rankings, so you can do it anytime you want. No more waiting anxiously until Monday at 1:38 EST to find out how good your team is.

1. Wake up at 11:32 EST, and stare at yourself in the mirror for at least fifteen minutes. Say to yourself, "God, you're sexy, you sexy lil' nationally published sportswriter."

2. Arrive at work, and by work I mean sitting your fat ass down in your favorite chair in your home office.

3. Arrange all the MLB teams from first to last by record, regardless of how well they've been playing recently.

4. Arbitrarily move teams up and down a spot or two in the rankings based on a few important factors: who has the sharpest uniform, which cities you remember liking the most when you visited, and most important of all: rock, paper, sissors (best two out of three, right hand vs. left)

5. Move the Yankees up 5 spots, because, well, they're the Yankees. Move the Rockies down 5 spots, because, well, Coors Field, and also they're the Rockies

6. Pick a random stat for each team and then post it in the comments section.

Now you too can be finished with your first of two articles due this week. Man, that was tough work!



All that typing tired me out today, so thanks for having me aboard, Larry and the Gang!