Friday, October 31, 2008

More World Series Eschatology!

The sky is falling! The country's about to elect a Muslim! Notradamus once suggested that the world could end in 2009! Scott Miller won't let the 2009 World Series take place!

Next year's World Series has, without question, got to be stopped.

What are you, a terrorist? The threat level just went up to lavender.

It simply cannot be played.

It can and it will.

At least, not into November, it can't.

It has and it can.

Or shouldn't.

Ok, now that we're done with the hyperbole, let's talk shop.

It is utterly preposterous, and anyone who either shivered through the rain and cold during Games 4 and 5 here or watched what devolved into a mud-wrestling contest in Game 4 knows this.

A team plays a full 162-game schedule, busts its collective butt for six months, nurse-maids its fragile pitchers, chews through hundreds of packs of sunflower seeds

hundreds of packs of sunflower seeds? I bet the big leaguers either (a) chew carcinogens or (b) buy their seeds by the bucket.

... and then reaches what is supposed to be the sport's pinnacle, only to wind up playing a bastardized version of something Abner Doubleday never would have created? While wearing hoodies and ear muffs?

Things Abner Doubleday never would have created:

  1. Baseball
  2. Baseball gloves
  3. Cracker jack
  4. Home Runs
  5. An America without a Civil War
  6. Cold baseball

This is not a defense of the Tampa Bay Rays, who lost because they were outplayed.

Truth.

This is not an apology for the Phillies, who didn't exactly hide the fact that Citizens Bank Park actually does not have a roof when the baseball world moved in last Friday.

Funny, nobody seemed to complain about the cold until ONE GAME GOT RAIN DELAYED OMG.

This is just to reiterate that playing baseball this late into October might be reaching the point where it's not worth the trade-off for an extra round of playoffs, which most people (with the help of commissioner Bud Selig's constant reminders) now take as gospel was a brilliant idea.

Probably the best, calmest and most sensible sentence in the article. But frankly: the wild card IS a good idea.

Let's be clear here: The wild-card round is a good idea. Great idea. In theory.

Communism is a great idea in theory, except it doesn't take into account human laziness. The wild-card round is a very good idea in theory and a good idea in practice.

But there are diminishing returns if it contributes toward pushing the World Series, what formerly was one of sports' best events, off the cliff.


Seriously: what the fuck. One game gets rained out and suddenly the whole concept of a World Series is "off the cliff"?

We're emerging from a fifth consecutive crappy World Series -- none of which has lasted longer than five games -- and the weather has directly affected at least three in a row.

Completely illogical argument. The weather has to be the worst factor to blame for this streak of shitty World Series.

The time is coming when we'll look back on this 46-hour Game 5 interruption as a minor inconvenience. We will be dog-paddling to stay afloat in some biblical-proportion flood, or losing fingers to frostbite in the teeth of a World Series-stopping blizzard, when we do.

Jesus. Scott Miller is batshit crazy. Guano-mound crazy. He probably advocated this legislation-crazy.


****************

Rational baseball fans: let's all get together and stop complaining about one rainout. Let's all realize that weather is weather, and that a couple of games taking place in the next numerical month is not a significant enough problem to radically restructure the regular season or the playoffs.

Writers:
For the last time: stop shouting just to shout. I know it makes you a paycheck, but it lowers the level of discourse in our society.


3 comments:

cb said...

One of the best things about playoff baseball is watching the guys battle the elements of the fall. To take that away would be to take away a big piece of what makes the game so great.

Chris W said...

pretentious....

pnoles said...

Haha...very nice use of the mathematical nerdery. I was stumped on the graphs until the end.

God as my witness, the "hyperbolas and other conic sections" label will not end with this post.