Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bill Simmons: deuche who doesn't understand money

From his magazine article listing reasons he loves sports:

Reason No. 949: Gary Bettman
I thought about buying the NHL Package on DirecTV last week so I could have breakup sex with the Bruins for a year.

Right, that or so you could watch them play because you enjoy "seeing their uniforms so much."

Just admit that you're shamelessly jumping back on the bandwagon already and stop with the slow, inevitable march to the "I'M BACK, BABY!" column.

The cost? $169! Really, Gary? That's how you treat your "mostly blue-collar fans who can't afford good seats for games anymore," the ones you've already insulted 300 times over?

So much idiocy going on here:

1. Blue Collar fans can't afford good seats at most professional sports stadiums.

2. This package is cheaper than MLB Extra Innings ($199), NFL Sunday Ticket ($289), and the combination of FSC and Setanta ($300 annually) if you're down with European Footy.

3. If good tickets were available at the "affordable" rate of lets say $20 a person, it would cost a family of four $160 (not including transit and food) to see all of 2 games in person. Meanwhile, they could pay $9 extra and watch literally every fucking hockey game that year.

4. To use a Simmons-y type anecdote/analogy: remember when you were in college and and for the first two years, the local beer distributor had that really awesome price for 30's of Busch Light? Then a month into your junior year, they raised the price by $1 per case. You and all your friends said you were going to boycott the place out of spite, only to go back their that weekend to buy 50 cases for your Halloween party.

The $69 difference between $100 (the price for the NASCAR package) and $169 isn't going to stop a true hockey fan. Real fans are like substance addicts, they'll pay whatever price to watch their team play, regardless of whether or not they enjoy the uniforms. Somehow this fact eludes superfan Bill Simmons, who's probably paid over $169 on Laguna Beach and The Hills DVDs.


Bengoodfella said...

Two things:

1. Bill Simmons is, and always will be, a moron. He is trying to lull us to sleep until he jumps back on the Bruins bandwagon and it won't work.

2. You have dirty 30's where you live? The most I can get is 24. Bastards.

cs said...

In the same column, he explains that he bought EIGHT Red Sox World Series shirts after they won in 2004. I mean, that's gotta cost $160 right there, right? But 9 more dollars for every NHL game is crossing the line.

And let me just reiterate: Bill Simmons bought EIGHT fucking Red Sox World Series shirts. EIGHT.

Chris W said...

no shit. 169 whole dollars? If he lived in, say, Montecello and someone said "Hey Bill, you have to pay 169 dollars just to have access to RED SOX games next year, and you have to watch them on a tiny Windows Media Player window, and there's no sound, he'd plunk it down without a fucking whisper.

But for the ENTIRE hockey season that's a RIPOFF.

Why? Because he's a cunt, and he's the kind of person who thinks the Chargers are better than the Bills in his power rankings because he's a dumb cunt who's heard of more players on the Chargers than the Bills.

Bengoodfella said...

I am looking for a running diary of the World Series from know, since he loves sports so much and all. I guess we will just assume the World Series did not occur this year because the Red Sox are not involved.

I would like to see a poll of how many people in America who read ESPN are tired of his shit. I would bet 20% of his web site hits are from people who absolutely hate him and need more ammo.

There has to be someone who can call him out for just hopping right back on the Boston Bruins bandwagon.

Why the fuck do you need 8 World Series shirts?

I think he is just in denial the Bills are going to win that division this year and so that is why he puts the Chargers ahead of them. He is also a fucking dumbass that knows nothing about sports outside of the Boston area, so that may have something to do with it also.

dan-bob said...

so I could have breakup sex with the Bruins for a year.

Uh... gross?

Jarrett said...

Hockey: Now labeled on here as much as Joe Morgan!

Larry B said...

$169? WHAT? You mean, like, in the neighborhood of the amount of money it costs for a family of four to go to any professional sporting event, park their car ($15), sit in semi-crappy seats ($25 a piece), and each have a hot dog and a soda ($10 a piece)? THIS IS EXTORTION, GARY BETTMAN. I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT THE FANS.

JimA said...

When will people learn how badly Bud Selig is fucking the game up.

cb said...

Getting up to 40 NHL games a week for $170 is a pretty damn good deal. Simmons is such an objectionable piece of shit. God, I hate him.

And yeah, he's just looking to get back on the Bruins wagon after they made the playoffs last season. He's such a joke.

Anonymous said...

Jack M: Deuche who doesn't know how to spell the word Douche.

Chris W said...

i wonder how long the spelling police will continue to be gay

Larry B said...

Deuche is an acceptable alternate spelling, anonymous. Go jump in front of a bus.

Mike said...

Just saying that if someone doesn't have a basic grasp of the language, it's hard to take their argument seriously.

On what planet is deuche an acceptable spelling? Is Larry B an acceptable alternate spelling for moron?

Chris W said...

What part of knowing how to spell a mild vulgarity epitomizes "a basic grasp of the language."

And yes, Larry B is an archaic spelling of moron.

Congrats on that one.

Jack M said...


+1, lolz!!!1

David said...

Holy crap. the guy writes and the numbers say that he is successful. Why must time be spent ripping on him in so many ways?

I used to be a huge fan of simmons and thought he was extremely witty. However, age has caught up with him and he is no where near the caliber of what he used to be.

But man, spending this much time ripping on him in multiple columns, you might want to look in the mirror on what's pathetic.