Hey Joey Johnston, May Called, It Wants Its Article Back

'Nuff said.

You're all wrong if you think Rays aren't for real

Good lord, you serious dude? This article's been written 2340932423423 times this year. Get out from the fucking sewers already!

There's plenty of proof that worst-to-first Tampa Bay is playoff-ready

Like what? Like the fact that they won the best motherfucking division in baseball? Is that proof enough? Or do you actually have to say other things?

The answer: NO.

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - As the American League playoffs begin, it would be easy to paint the Tampa Bay Rays as a cute, cuddly story, a worst-to-first baseball turnaround that comes around every generation or so. It would be easy to suggest the Rays’ 15 minutes of fame have expired, that it’s time to exit stage right, time to let the big boys take over.

Dude, this is just emanating originality. You know how when you burn some shit in the oven, and you can smell burnt-shit-smell all over the house for the rest of the night? Let's just say a certain author (you) left "originality" in the oven a bit too long.....

Considering the franchise’s miserable history — 10 straight losing seasons and nine last-place finishes — it would be very easy to do that.

And moronic, because the awfulness of the 2001 Devil Rays have literally zero effect on the 2008 Rays. I feel like I am talking to a janitorial sign. I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT THE FLOOR IS SLIPPERY WHEN WET, JOEY JOHNSTON!

But this isn’t a history lesson.

Sha-BANG!

WAIT HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I just got to the part of the article that shows a picture of the author!



ROFL ZOMG....you serious dude?

Let’s stick to current events. Considering what has been assembled this season, considering what has been proven time and time again, summarily dismissing the Rays would be a grave mistake.

I'm so glad that I have you, Joey Johnston, to tell me that the team with the best record in the best division in baseball shouldn't be dismissed! They have the 2nd best run differential in the AL. What, do people really think they're a fluke or something? Get bent.

It might even be commonplace to ignore the Rays this postseason, what with the Red Sox defending a title, the Cubs trying to reverse the curse and the Dodgers thriving with Manny Ramirez-mania.

But do so at your own risk.

DON'T WALK ON THE WET, SLIPPERY FLOOR, OR YOU MAY SLIP AND FALL AND BECOME WET!

Oh, it’s easy to understand why there’s still a lack of respect. After all, this isn’t supposed to happen.

Actually it is. A team with good players is supposed to be good.

A team such as the Rays, whose $43.8 million payroll can’t even match financials on the left side of the Yankees’ infield, isn’t supposed to win the American League East.

Maybe the Red Sox should've won. Because they're better. But that's not what you're
getting at. Not at all.

It’s not supposed to win 97 games (improving by 31 victories) and capture perhaps the most rigorous division in all of sports.

Dude, you keep saying the same fucking thing over and over. Now you're like a flashing "DON'T WALK" sign.

It’s not supposed to become the second team to reach the postseason one year after having baseball’s worst record (joining the 1991 Braves).

Really? Then which team in which year is "supposed" to do this? Because, um. Whichever team you pick would have to have the worst record in baseball the season before. I think what you're saying here is a little unfair and a lot meaningless, dontcha think?

It’s not supposed to take a bullpen coming off a 6.16 ERA — worst in baseball since Milton Berle had the nation’s highest-rated TV show — and transform it into a collection of rally-killing buzzsaws.

Dude, you are too priceless. I've never seen anyone, not even HatGuy, go this long in an article without making a fucking point. 289 words! Zero informative things!

It’s not supposed to thrive with a lineup that failed to produce a single .300 batter and (probably) not one player who will finish in the top 10 of AL Most Valuable Player voting.

9th in OBP....but I guess that's irrelevant.

It’s not supposed to sweep the Cubs, Angels and Red Sox (twice).

335 words.

Is everyone in agreement on that?

No. 341.

Well, guess what? The Rays didn’t listen.

THAT'S your grand point? This is what all of that needless garbage was about? You sir, are atrocious. 348.

“We have good chemistry,’’ said Rays manager Joe Maddon, who resembles Elvis Costello with his way-cool Hugo Boss specs.

Maddon savors a drink from his office wine rack following particularly meaningful victories. Rays win the AL East? Anyone making such a prediction might’ve needed to sample Maddon’s really hard stuff.

Right?

Dude, just fucking stop. You have been saying the same exact fucking thing for 399 words. 6th grade essays are more meaningful.

He thinks that’s a stretch.

“You’ve got to believe it before you see it,’’ Maddon said. “We knew it was coming. We knew if we played together, we could achieve something really special.’’

And finally, something with some, albeit little actual meaning happens here. And Joe Maddon was the one who said it, not you.

Which brings us to Maddon’s now-ubiquitous saying — 9=8 — that can be found on caps, T-shirts and banners all around the Tampa Bay area.

Nine equals eight?

Translation: Nine players playing hard for nine innings will make the Rays one of eight teams playing in October.

This is perhaps the #1 dumbest motherfucking team slogan, motto, anything, that I have ever seen in my life. Ever. It's just terrible.

It was guided by Maddon through a mixture of unconventional (intentionally walking hot-hitting Josh Hamilton with the bases loaded, then escaping a jam) and old-school methods (benching B.J. Upton for lack of hustle).

This was probably one of the dumbest managerial decisions in the history of the universe. Hey Rangers, have a free run!

True story: When the Rays muddled into a seven-game losing streak at the All-Star break, losing their grip on first place, you could almost hear the snickers from around baseball. “Aha! Told you it wasn’t going to last!’’ But in the first game back, still stuck in an offensive malaise and losing at home to the Blue Jays 1-0 in the seventh inning, Ben Zobrist blasted a two-out, two-run homer off A.J. Burnett to provide the victory and effectively stop the bleeding.

The same Ben Zobrist who this season was sent down to Triple-A Durham.

Four different times.

Dude, no one could decide whether Ben Zobrist was a major leaguer or not. THAT'S WHY THE RAYS ARE FOR REAL DUDE!

True story: Facing a 10-game trip to Seattle, Oakland and Texas in August — a trap door if ever there was one for Tampa Bay’s tenuous lead — the Rays placed outfielder Carl Crawford and Longoria on the disabled list.

A death knell?

Hardly.

When the Rays returned home, ho-hum, their lead had increased by another game.

This is because Seattle, Oakland, and Texas are not good baseball teams.

True story: At Fenway Park on Sept. 9, the Red Sox were up, 4-3, and three outs away from regaining first place. Uber-closer Jonathan Papelbon was on the mound. Up stepped Rays pinch-hitter Dan Johnson.

That morning, Johnson was asleep in Pennsylvania, where his Durham Bulls were competing in the International League playoffs. The phone rang. The Rays wanted him in Boston. But a series of flight delays and travel mishaps turned his day into a nightmare. He was reluctantly scratched from the starting lineup because, well, he was in a cab, stuck in Boston traffic, as game time approached.

So in the ninth inning, Maddon played a hunch, sending Johnson to the plate, knowing he would work the count, maybe becoming a needed base runner.

What happened?

What else?

Tying homer.

The Rays immediately rallied with another run and won it, 5-4, in suddenly whisper-quiet Fenway.

Ergo, Rays are for real because of the success in one game of Unlikely-Pinch-Hitter Dan Johnson.

True story: The Red Sox pounded the Rays 13-5 at Tropicana Field on Sept. 15, drilling four homers off Kazmir (and six overall). It was an emphatic statement. Now the charging Red Sox were within percentage points of the Rays.

More than an hour after the game, when the Tampa Bay clubhouse had emptied, a reporter sought out Maddon, seeking to gauge how he would lift up his devastated team.

Maddon, smiling, doffed his cap, revealing his work behind closed doors — a modest mohawk in his white hair, not too radical, but the sides trimmed slightly. A few days earlier in New York, on a lark between games of a doubleheader, some Rays players got mohawks.

“Just wanted to be part of the group,’’ Maddon said, winking, disappearing into the night.

And with that outlook, straight from the top, the Rays promptly beat the Red Sox two straight and again took command of the division race.

So much for devastation.

Okay, and they totally won two games after losing one game. Not many teams did that this year?

So we have these reasons for the Rays being legit.

1) Ben Zobrist went from the minor leagues to the major leagues a lot.
2) The Rays beat bad teams on the road on a 10-game trip.
3) Dan Johnson hit a home run.
4) The Rays managed to win 2 games after a pretty bad loss.

Baseball is generally played by the book. Decisions are backed up with raw numbers and trends.

Every now and again, though, you get something that defies explanation.

THE TAMPA BAY RAYS DO NOT DEFY EXPLANATION! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS IS NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND! They have outstanding pitching. They are decent at scoring runs. They have one of the best defensive teams in baseball. A TEAM THAT DOES THIS IS GOOD. VERY VERY GOOD.

Seriously, why does there have to be some mystical power as the underlying reason for anything unexpected?

Every now and again, you get the Rays — with their cowbell-clanging fans finally warming up to the phenomenon, mohawks everywhere in the community and the very real notion that Tropicana Field, in all of its quirky, erector-set glory, could actually host the World Series.

Sometimes, you have to stop looking for explanations and start enjoying the ride. Sometimes, after 162 games of evidence, you’ve just got to believe.

When, oh when will the world start believing that baseball teams filled with good players are legitimately likely to play well?

Rays, if you beat the White Sox, I hope you win the World Series. Because the day after you win the World Series, we'll be hearing from some fucking retard that you guys are for real.