Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All-Star Liveblog!

Here's a few thoughts on the ASG as it unfolds. All quotations are in italics, and are the best paraphrases I can accomplish, since I don't have a DVR.

First off, fuck the nearly hour-long pregame nonsense.
Second off, Obama's left-handed toss was a blooper that barely made it. [Note: I didn't see it till the replays in the second inning]. I think that explains why this country's so screwed up: we elected a southpaw. They can't even walk straight, or even live straight, in the case of Larry B.

Top of the first:

Some poor defense by the NL lets the AL sneak ahead 2-0. Albert Pujols, all-everything, commits the error that lets in a couple of runs. Nothing egregious in the commentary so far.

Bottom of the first.
A graphic calls Roy Halladay "The I-Beam of The Blue Jays". Really.
McCarver:
"We looked that up, I'm not an architect or anything, but it's supposed to be the structure of the house."
Well, I'm glad Tim admits that he looked something up - he's a step ahead of Joe Morgan. Still:
- Who made that stupid graphic?
- Neither of the broadcasters, who've been alive for fifty or so years... know what an "I-beam" is?

McCarver:
"Nobody has had numbers in his first nine years like Albert Pujols. Nobody."
Except this guy and this guy. But ok, Pujols is legendarily good. Not that bad.

Top 2:
lol, Halladay didn't bring a helmet. He's the starting pitcher! And the AL goes quietly.

Bottom 2:
Obama shows up in the booth in a White Sox jacket to chat with our esteemed team. In the course of this inning, Obama commits several FJM cardinal sins: admits that he doesn't hate the Cubs, admits he didn't play the game (wait, that's not one of our Cardinal sins), believes in parity in baseball, endorses the Phillies as a "scrappy team" and engages in blatant Hawaiian homerism.

I'm kidding. If I were the President I'd do the same thing. But shouldn't he be out saving the world?

"No bailout plan in place for the National League" - don't remember which of the two said this, but it's not funny.

Interesting move by Charlie Manuel spending Prince Fielder, perhaps his best pinch-hitter, with two out and a runner on second early in this game. But it pays off with Prince's double to left! Two-out rally plates three and the NL takes the lead.

Top 3
Ryan Franklin has a bizarre beard.

It seems like a lot of players are pulling the ball tonight - you'd think that with some of the hardest throwers in the game only having to go one or two innings, you'd see a lot of balls hit the other way. Maybe they're not throwing their hardest? Speculation.

AL goes in order.

Bottom 3
What happened in this inning?

Top 4
McCarver blathers on a long time about Haren's windup being hard to detect.

A single by Michael Young does nothing and this game is moving quickly.

A commercial by MasterCard comes on to show passionate fans. Of course it shows Cubs, Dodgers and, inexplicably, a Giants fan. Strange: Cubs and Dodgers fans are probably the most notorious fans in baseball for not actually being passionate about baseball.

Bottom 4
At 37, the oldest nonpitcher to make an ASG debut since Babe Ruth (why does nobody note that there was no game for Ruth to make?). The roider fouls out.

Spoiler: The answer to the trivia question is Ted Williams and Rogers Hornsby.


Zach Grienke's sick stuff makes the NL look bad, striking out the next two. I wish he still had social anxiety disorder. Did doctors name it that just for the obvious acronym?

Top 5
Crawford leads off with a single. McCarver discusses his speed, comparing him to Lou Brock.
Buck: "Imagine how fast he'd be if he pulled his pants up."

McCarver: "Lou Brock always had his pants up high."

Damn kid
s these days and their fashion.

Also, Jeter apparently cried when Chris Webber called timeout. What a pansy. I thought this was true.


Joe Mauer double ties the game. That Joe Mauer is quite the American. Pujols' diving stop keeps it tied.

Bottom 5:

This inning was uneventful.

Top 6
A 4-6-3 and Hoffman gets some useless revenge against Michael Young. Game still tied at 3. I'm almost bored, except for these exciting commercials that remind me that somehow MLB is making piles and piles money off this.

Also, I note that I hate pretty much every commercial, even ones that try to be funny. I think it's because I hate the public to which these companies are trying to appeal. Also, these bullshit "passion for the game" commercials that show a bloody sock or Derek fucking Jeter diving into a bullpen make me sick
. I'm sure it makes hordes of morons want to go drink Gatorade and buy Nike products, but they piss me off.

Anyone who buys Daughtry albums can go hug a cactus already.

Bottom 6
Here's a quote taken out of context, because I missed the context:
McCarver: "How come you didn't tweet me that day?"


Here's a picture taken out of context:



NL goes quietly.

Top 7
Cordero shows a little Reds pride. Shuts down the AL and this one's turning into a barn burner.

Bottom 7:
This is the most uneventful liveblog ever. Nobody's said anything really stupid. Carl Crawford did just make a sick catch, though.

Top 8:
This is where I had to stop watching the game. Fortunately, Larry B watched the rest of it and provided me with a few good quotes:

McCarver, re: Kevin Youkilis: "
You can make a case that he's the most VALUABLE (emphasis Tim's) player in the league this year - by which I mean, look at his salary. Only 6 million a year for his level of production! Then, look at what A-Rod and Mark Teixeira make- $52 million between them!"

Really, Tim? This guy is making $439,000 this year. This guy is probably making about that much - made $408,000 last year. That's a lot more valuable per-dollar than Youkilis. Basically any decent young pre-arbitration player is going to rank higher than Youkilis on this list.

Later: 2 on, 2 out for the NL in the bottom of the 8th.
Joe Buck: "Francisco Rodriguez warming up, just in case"
Larry B: "Just in case? You mean when he has to pitch the top of 9th no matter what happens this half inning?"

Larry B later suggested that Joe Buck was ignorant of the fact that Mr. Rodriguez does not, in fact, pitch in the American League any more, and his job as the Angels' closer has been taken over by Mr. Brian Fuentes, a left-handed sidearm slinger.

[Late edit from Larry B, since dan bob didn't tell the whole story: it was abundantly clear after Buck made that comment that he was clueless as to the fact that K-Rod is no longer with the Angels. When he first said it, I was a bit confused because of, you know, the fact that the NL was the home team. But immediately after he said it, they flashed to the AL bullpen where we see Fuentes warming up. So in Buck's I-don't-give-a-shit-about-baseball-and-there-is-no-way-I-should-ever-call-another-World-Series-game-again brain, he sees Angels reliever, he assumes K-Rod. It's a cherry on top that Fuentes is a lefty submariner and K-Rod has a distinctive righty overhand throw. Seriously, fuck Joe Buck and fuck FOX for making him call baseball games when he clearly doesn't give a shit about them. Just let him stick to football, I don't care how good/famous his dad was.]

And the National League loses again. Dammit.




8 comments:

Tonus said...

I can't believe you didn't add the part where Obama asks about the AL's recent dominance, and McCarver explains that it's because the AL has the DH. Wha???

cs said...

The AL is more dominant because it has the DH and Yankee Stadium has a windy right field.

rich said...

No it's because those rich AL teams don't pay enough taxes. Spread the wealth Selig!

That or Sweet Lou doesn't yell at his players anymore.

Jarrett said...

All McCarver's statement re: Kevin Youkilis says to me is that his agent sucks.

Bengoodfella said...

Haha, that is so right Jarrett. The Red Sox paid John Smoltz $5 million to pitch just over half a season with them. Youk needs a new agent.

Of course aren't all players from Boston team players? It's the Patriot Way! It doesn't bother Tommy Brady that Matt Cassel makes more money than he does and Brady has three more Super Bowl rings and dozens of more accolades. It's the Patriot Way to give Boston teams a hometown discount so they can play in the greatest city in front of the smartest and greatest fans in the world.

John Foley said...

I think the AL's dominance in All-Star games is a little exaggerated. While I do think the AL is a bit better in terms of overall quality, it's not to the point where they'd be winning 12 years in a row. There's a fair amount of luck involved in this streak. Many of these games have been 1-run affairs, and we all know that those can go either way. The tie game in '02 could have gone to either team (duh). The one where Trevor Hoffman gave up two runs in the 9th was obviously a big blow. That just proves that Trevor Hoffman couldn't save a big game if his life depended on it. Last year's game was decided in extra innings, and it was only won by a sac fly. The last 4 games were all 1-run wins by the AL. Any of those could just as easily been NL wins. It certainly helps to be able to go with Rivera, Papelbon, and Nathan when you have the lead.
So the AL's better, but luck has had a lot do with it too. Or maybe it was just the DH, like McCarver said.

Andrew said...

um - since when is Brian Fuentes a "submariner?" Have you ever seen him pitch? He may have a funky delivery, but it's definitely overhand.

Larry said...

It's all about the Roosevelts baby!