Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Bill Simmons, Shut the fuck up

Sorry I'm doing another Bill Simmons twitter post. I promise that once I steal my parents' Net-Nanny password, I'll do a post that's a little more meaty (NO HOMO! j/k, but not really).

I'm fired up that we beat Spain

Let's trot this out again. From Bill Simmons rules for being a fan:

Be very careful when using the word "We" with your favorite team. Use it judiciously. Just remember, you don't wear a uniform, you don't play any minutes, and you're not on the team."

Perhaps it's justifiable to use "we" because it's the United States team, and it's his country blah blah. However, the fact that he didn't at all mention the amazing 6-goal swing that propelled the US into the semi-final denies him any right to claim US Soccer as his team. To put this in Bill's perspective, the 6-goal swing was the Dave Roberts steal of 2nd base, and the defeat of Spain was the Sawx beating The Yankees in that same ALCS. You're a front running, fair weather asshole, Bill.

but what the hell is the Confederation Cup? Is this better or worse than winning an ESPY?

Short Answer: Better.
Long Answer: Better, you fucking retard.

Seriously though, Bill is either too fucking stupid/lazy to go on Wikipedia/Soccernet and find out the following things:

1. Brazil and France (both top of the line soccer countries) have won 4 of the 5 Confederations Cups.
2. Regardless of what country/continent your team is from, it's very difficult to qualify for the Confederations Cup (unless your country is hosting the next World Cup).
3. Someone with even the most cursory knowledge of soccer would know that Spain, Brazil, and Italy all sent their teams filled to the brim with world class players. If it didn't mean shit, those players would be on a beach fucking multiple women who make Gisele Bundchen look homely and trivial by comparison.
4. The Confederations Cup has a definitive winner. Whereas the ESPY's are based on arbitrary opinion. Hence why they're stupid.

Or, more likely, Bill just had to take a shot at the ESPY's because it'd been a week since he'd last done so. Sure it belittles Team USA's accomplishment that he's so fired up about, but he had to rage against the machine a little bit. Lord knows that the ESPY's being shitty is such a well kept secret and all. Thanks for blowing the lid off that one, Cronkite.


Anonymous said...

Bill Simmons didn't start watching USA soccer because the team had such a terrible owner. Bush kept spending money on things that didn't help the soccer team. Thanks to term limits there's a new owner, so it's all good in his mind.

I just have one question for Bill. Outside of Rick Reilly's MVP awards (I'm sure Pujols shows them off to all his family and friends), is there any award more useless than an ESPY?

Although I'm sure the ESPY for play of the year will go to the release of the new Air Jordans ($150 a pair!)

Cornelius Talmidge said...

Truth be told, I'm glad Bill demeaned the Spain win with the ESPY gibe. I am a big soccer fan and was absolutely hyped after the Egypt and Spain wins (and the Honduras v. USA game at Soldier was one of the coolest sporting events I've ever attended). If Bill whole-heartedly jumps on board this band wagon, it serves only to detract and deligitimize my interest in the sport. Stay the fuck away, Simmons. I don't want my sports interests to be associated with you in any conceivable way.

Anonymous said...

epic, jack. epic.

Chris W said...

That's not the real Cornelius Talmidge. Whatever you do, don't turn him.

Bengoodfella said...

Anon #1, that was a great...the whole Bush-soccer thing.

Great post Jack. I know my compliments mean the world to you.

Now Bill Simmons is in a feud with Mike Dunleavy, it's all detailed on his Twitter. Bill is angered that he was called a joke writer and had no credibility. I have to say Dunleavy has a point. If someone comes out with an entire column about the rules of being a fan and then violates them all...that's not having credibility in my mind. Bill violates his the very rules that he makes up to entertain. Fail.

Jack M said...

Doesn't a joke writer usually make people laugh though?

Bengoodfella said...

Good point. Dunleavy missed that part, I was so focused on the no credibility part. I am not sure writing for Jimmy Kimmel counts as joke writing nor does referencing the same movies over and over.

I stand corrected, Dunleavy was right and wrong.

Alex said...

I don't get how the U.S. media beats up its own soccer team. They act and talk like complete ignorant door mats when it comes to soccer. Confederations Cup? Whoa! What's that? Is it better than the World Cup? Fuck, ISN'T IT YOUR JOB TO KNOW SHIT LIKE THIS?

I'm a soccer junkie and it never ceases to amaze me how retarded soccer commentary is sometimes.

Ignoring the U.S. team on the basis they never beat soccer world powers is so staggeringly stupid it annoys me - and I'm Canadian. We can't even beat, let's say, Vanatau.

Countries like Germany, Italy, Brazil and Argentina are POWERHOUSES. They've honed their skills for decades and decades. They take this sport seriously. VERY SERIOUSLY. It's only natural the U.S. will not always beat them. But I'll tell you one thing: They are a deserved Top 15 and sometimes top 10 team.

I'm not that surprised they won. Sports has shit like this happen. Spain, even though they're awesome, do historically choke you know.

Alex said...

Can a door mat be ignorant?

Just asking.

pnoles said...

Resounding "YES"

Angelo said...

woooooooooo soccer.

Don't worry Cornelius- I guarantee Bill will never jump on the soccer bandwagon because none of his friends and family watch soccer. And that's where he gets most of his good ideas.

cs said...

I think he meant Bill Simmons is a "joke of a writer". Makes more sense.

Bengoodfella said...

I just want to update everyone that Bill is still insulting Mike Dunleavy on his Twitter account. This man can not stand criticism. That's probably why he is the big "P" and won't allow comments on his columns. If you insult or criticize Simmons in any fashion he can't let it drop and uses the fact he doesn't have a real job, hence more time, to get back at you.

Jack M said...

Ben, I will be doing a full post about this later. Hopefully it'll be better than Simmons ability to take an insult! ZING!

Bengoodfella said...

I really hope it is. He said he was on a roll in one of his posts and I wasn't even laughing. Apparently you don't need positive feedback to be considered on a roll. He even uses the same damn joke format over and over and just changes the words. He's so untalented at telling jokes.

Q: Who has a massive ego, the inability to take any type of criticism, the douche bag look of a New England prep schooler and can't even follow the rules for being a fan he himself thought of?

A: Bill Simmons

Now that I am on a roll, I will do another one.

Q: Who writes the same stuff over and over in his columns and still thinks it is funny the 900th time, uses analogies from pop culture in the 80's but will criticize networks for using music from the 80's because it isn't "relevant?"

A: Bill Simmons

I commend you Jack. I don't even have the energy to write about Bill Simmons some days. It just saps me completely to have to read some of his stuff. Two in one day is borderline heroic.

ivn said...

I'm actually kind of impressed with Bill Simmons. how many people can say they've built a lucrative writing career solely on their knowledge of Sylvester Stallone movies and the Boston Celtics? how many people can compare any sporting event to a scene in The Karate Kid, or that they've fostered friendships with completely unpretentious writers like Chuck Klosterman and Malcolm Gladwell?

the man is a national treashah. NO ONE DENIES THIS

ivn said...

*or say that they've fostered

Martin said...

Though, really, you need to live in LA to understand what a complete and total a-hole Dunleavy is. The fact that it's the douche on the loose who is the only one who is calling Dunleavy out on years of lousyness with the Clippers is sad. I'd be more upset with Simmons if someone, fuck even Scoop Jackson, would start to come out and be the Anti-Peter King. Rip the coach for being bad, quit fucking being buddy buddy. Access has come to = being co-pted by the enemy. The Finlandization of the sports media has reached the point where Simmons and blogs are about the only place where true spiteful and accurate critiques on teams and management are often coming from nowadays.

Fuck you Simmons for being a douche, and fuck you Dunleavy for being the Simmons of the basketball world you fucking failbot.