If Bill Simmons Publishes Your Question In A Mailbag Column, You Are A Douche By Association, Pt. 2

Some of the comments left on yesterday's post would seem to indicate that people thought I was done picking apart this garbage. Come on, you should know me better than that by now.

Q: Remember when you wrote in your "Clemens is the Antichrist" column that Roger leaving Boston and winning two Cy Youngs in Toronto was like your girlfriend dumping you for the guy next door, losing 15 pounds, getting a boob job and joining "Baywatch"? Well what's the equivalent now? I think this analogy definitely continues to her being dumped by the neighbor because she's old, wrinkled, and now her breasts just look big and fake. And she was in a car accident. With the Easter Bunny.
-- Pat F., Hecla, Pa.

SG: You're right. The last six months turned Clemens into Kim Kardashian's mother -- he should just marry Bruce Jenner at this point.

Wow. What kind of an idiot is Pat? Sure, Clemens is a disgrace now. And it should be well known that I hate him as much as the next person with a brain. But he didn't just leave Boston, go to Toronto, win those Cys, and then get embarrassed by a steroid scandal. You're omitting seven and a half years of excellent production, two more Cys, and two rings from your smug celebration. It's not like, "Ho ho, we Red Sox fans sure got the last laugh on this one! Sure, letting Clemens go looked like a bad decision in 1997 and 1998, but how does he like not being part of Sawks Nation now?"

Also, the concept of "[Team] Nation," particularly "Red Sox Nation" due to its entrance into the media's vernacular, is among the most obnoxious things in the world of sports today. It can't disappear fast enough. I'd rather get rid of it than Jay Mariotti. Maybe.

Q: Has there ever been a more patently false instance of using a fallen teammate as motivation than Kenny yelling "LET'S DO THIS FOR BIG EASY" after the dude was taken away by paramedics during the Gauntlet finale? That'd be like Lithgow shooting his chick in "Cliffhanger," then turning to the remaining guys and yelling "LET'S GO FIND THAT MONEY! DO IT FOR HER. WE'VE COME SO FAR AS A TEAM AND CAN'T LET HER DIE IN VAIN!!" Also, I'm fairly sure Ev would let me die brutally if it meant she'd get 10 cents off a gallon on her next fill-up. She is a vicious, vicious creature.
-- Kael, Canton, Conn.

SG: You know what's amazing about that show? When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it? It's a franchise show for MTV and they're only shelling out $300,000 in prize money plus another $100,000 total in guarantees for 20 people who agree to spend up to a month on the show?

If these losers are so driven by money that they'd be perfectly willing to let Big Easy drop dead of heat stroke during a challenge and then drag his dead carcass for the final two events, why wouldn't they band together, go on strike and demand $100K per competitor for the show plus $1 million in prize money or they're not going on ... and if anyone crosses the picket line, they have to deal with the wrath of CT. Wouldn't that work? Wouldn't MTV have to pay them considering the show generates a ridiculous amount of cash?

As an avid watcher of this show (no sarcasm... judge not, lest ye be judged), I'm going to have to field this question. Bill, how many pounds of paint chips did you eat as a child? Do you actually watch the show? Look at how much fucking fun the contestants have. All they do is spend a couple hours on some kind of fun athletic event, then drink and hook up for the rest of the day/evening. Do you know many horny/alcoholic 19 to 27 year olds would spend a month doing that for free? Fuck your picket line.

Or is the network banking on the fact that these attention hogs love the spotlight so much and they're so dumb that they'd never think of banding together and fighting for more money? Wait, don't answer that.

And fuck your spotlight. Free vacation to an exotic locale. All-inclusive. A bunch of dummies just like you to drink with and bang at your convenience. That's pretty much all you need.

Q: Having you -- a 30-something, white, father-of-two from Boston -- pick the members of Mount Rapmore is like having a 30-something black guy from D.C. pick an NHL All-Star Team. Hey, wait, that's me! I'll go with Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, and ... wait ... how many people play in a hockey meet?
-- Damon, Washington

Like stereotypes much, Damon? Douuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuche. (Imagine that set to the two-toned sound a foghorn makes. Funny or unfunny, that's the effect I'm going for here.) I know everyone's seen this before, but I think it's definitive proof that there are black hockey fans.

Q: I just got back from San Diego and I was with both of my brothers at the Oceanside Harbor eating lunch. My oldest brother comes back to the table and tells us we each owe him $50. He saw Junior Seau at the bar and paid the cocktail waitress to give him 18 beers and one empty shot glass. We paid him. -- Casey, Bend, Ore.

I'm having a hard time coming up with the reason Casey's a douche. I guess the most likely explanation is that his brother is a tall tale-telling sack of shit.

Q: Carlos Gomez is batting .667 and on pace for 324 stolen bases. Who got the better end of the Santana trade now!?!?

-- Ben T., Minneapolis

SG: That's right, things are looking up in Minnesota! By the way, my editor Mike Philbrick wants to pass along congratulations to Major League Baseball for giving us three different "Opening Days," then failing to have any afternoon games on the first Tuesday of the season. Way to know your audience, fellas. You continue to make us proud to be fans.

There are never Tuesday afternoon games at any point during the season. Ever. People are at work. That means they can't be at the game, and probably can't be watching it. That means teams don't make money. The only reason afternoon games happen on Wednesdays and Thursdays are, of course, so teams can get away early while on road trips. Way to continue to sound like a great baseball fan with a comprehensive understanding of how the sport works.

Q: Do you realize Troy Aikman's interactions with Joe Buck are EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger's interactions with director Paul Verhoeven for the commentary for "Total Recall?" It's uncanny, right down to the incessant usage of the word "exactly." The reason this is really funny is because of a drinking game my friends and I played once -- we turned on the commentary for "Total Recall," and drank every time Arnold agrees with the director. I kid you not, people were falling out of their chairs within 15 minutes.
- -Ryan Flippo, Tulsa, Okla.

Wow, brah, you guys must drink pretty hard. Douuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuche.

Q: The all-time interception leader who carouses, turns his back on friends, calls out grossly underpaid teammates for holding out and then holds his organization hostage himself is hanging it up to spend more time with the family? LOL. I'd mention the pill-popping, but then I'd be the hypocrite. I mean, who doesn't like a few extra Vicodin? But seriously, who else could do what Farve has done, negatively speaking, both on and off the field, and get away with it? I mean, its like the media took an oath of unconditional praise with this guy. I will never understand this completely. In a way, I admire him for it; for getting away with it. It's remarkable. I mean, how the hell did he pull it off? Really, I have to tip my hat to the man. See, and you thought this was an anti-Farve e-mail.
-- Jon Z., Los Angeles

SG: My God, there's rioting in the streets of Wisconsin right now! You know what's funny? Favre reached such a saintly status over the years I actually let out an audible gasp when I read that e-mail -- it's like Jon Z. was attacking Santa Claus or Dakota Fanning or something.

Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game."

I'll let BenGoodFella handle this one. From yesterday's comments-

"If it did not happen to him or he did not witness it, then it was not the greatest thing that ever happened. A good example is when he speaks of Tyler Hansbrough becoming the "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." If he had watched one game Tyler played in before the NCAA Tournament, he would already know this. Because he saw a UNC game, then he can say Tyler Hansbrough earns this title. I greatly dislike Simmons."

Great. I like what you've done here. Not angry or colorful enough with the conclusion, but basically you've got it under control.

For anyone who doesn't think there's a racial component to this, you're crazy. Just look at David West of the Hornets -- like Hansborough, he's a self-made player and a staunch competitor who plays with an inordinate amount of passion, an undersized forward who routinely scores on bigger bodies, someone who extracted every ounce of his potential and made the most of it. Well, have you ever read a David West feature? Have you ever heard announcers raving about him to the point that you wondered if they were related to him? No and no. I just think it's a little, um, peculiar.

Bill- on the cutting edge of analysis. Has anyone out there ever heard this kind of rampant speculation before? That white athletes who try hard tend to get gladhanded by the media? HUH-WUHHHHHH? From out of left field. What a crazy theory.

Q: Just read your NBA "What If?" column. Is there any doubt the greatest pop culture "What-If?" of the decade is "What if Britney Spears didn't cheat on Justin Timberlake?" If she doesn't cheat on him, they don't break up. Justin doesn't start hanging out with Janet Jackson. They don't do their halftime show and the FCC wouldn't be upset about a nipple being exposed on television. Britney is indirectly responsible for all of the FCC regulations and crackdowns that went into effect. And if she and Timberlake are still together, she might still be a superstar instead of a chain-smoking two-time divorcee with two kids who's absolutely insane and looks like she's 45.
-- Eric D., Abington, Mass.

Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

SG: OK, I'm with you, but you left out a few things. First, if they didn't break up, Timberlake wouldn't have written "Cry Me a River," which was really the white man's "Hit 'Em Up."

I'm at a loss for words as to how ridiculously bad that comparison is. Yes... a song threatening extreme violence towards your business rival is exactly like a song telling your ex that you're glad your relationship is over. Yeah, they're both "revenge" songs. No, they are not black and white versions of the same concept.

Second, he became a more successful musician in her post-breakup and started dating Cameron Diaz; meanwhile, her career went in the tank and she ended up with K-Fed. Third, if they didn't break up, we wouldn't even know who K-Fed is -- and if you think this isn't important, remember that I casually dropped him into the first mailbag question of this column and you didn't think twice about it.

What?

Fourth, she shattered the record for "shortest amount of time that elapsed between somebody being considered a major sex symbol and eventually grossing out the American public on an ongoing basis." And fifth, she showed her crotch on the Internet so many times that red-blooded males became immune to it like we were gynecologists.

As bad as his mailbags usually are, this might be the worst I've ever seen one of Bill's answers go down in flames. It gives me douche-chills. I'm cringing.

Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semiresurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?
-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh

SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.

Or until the Bruins win a Stanley Cup, at which point Bill will magically remind everyone that he's been by their side through thick and thin, and Massholes will fill the streets of Boston chanting "Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!" for some reason.

Q: I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend, which I initially considered something of a tragedy. Not to be biased, but it was all his fault. But anyway, in the weeks after things fell apart, my boobs spontaneously grew a cup size and I got free tickets to see his favorite sports team of all time. I had extras, but didn't call him. In a battle of karma, I'd declare myself the winner. The question is: Where would you rank this on the Vengeance Scale? And do you think I should come with some sort of warning to future boyfriends?
-- Bridget, Boston

Bridget doesn't list her age, but let's assume she's a full-grown adult. So her boobs spontaneously grew a cup size after a breakup she admits was initially emotionally painful. Huh. Hmmmm. What activity, commonly associated with getting over a breakup, might have caused this busty explosion? And given that, what do you think happened to her jowl size over that same time period? Douuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuche.

There's still some good material to cover, but I'm clocking out for the night again. Tune in this weekend for the exciting conclusion of "Bill Simmons and His Idiot Readers." Isn't this episodal format cool? Feels like an olde timey radio show or something.

If Bill Simmons Publishes Your Question In A Mailbag Column, You Are A Douche By Association, Pt. 1

Actually, based on these questions, most of these people were already douches on their own. But I digress. Let's get to the awfulness.

Back in mid-January, you might remember me writing a "Dr. Jack" breakdown of the undefeated Patriots and the '86 Celtics, trying to figure out which team was greater and leading to hundreds of "You better not have jinxed the season!" e-mails. When the Pats blew Super Bowl XLII three weeks later, more than a few Boston fans blamed me, like my column had the opposite effect of "The Secret" or something.

Can you really blame a writer for altering the outcome of a football game with a column? Of course not. It's patently ridiculous.

Can you really accept a writer who works for a national sports site's decision to devote 75% of his columns to teams from one city? Well, you don't have a choice. He's already tragically popular. It is still, however, patently offensive.

The truth is, I just picked the wrong Boston team for the breakdown -- instead of comparing the '08 Patriots to the '86 Celtics, I should have used the '08 Celtics. With the playoffs just three weeks away and KG, Pierce and the gang running on all cylinders like no Celtics team since Larry Bird's heyday, it now seems like the optimal time to break this baby down "Dr. Jack" style.

Without further ado ...

(Wait for it ...)

(Wait for it ...)

April Fools!

Somehow, that's even less funny that my own pathetic attempt at an over-the-top April Fool's post (see below). My joke was neither directly nor ironically funny. This is unfunny in both of those ways, and in dozens of others that I'm not even smart enough to understand or describe.

(Just give us a few seconds while we revive my dad.)

(All right, we're good.)

Oh! Wow! I just realized something. Fuck me, I'm ignorant- he portrayed that as a joke not because if he really did it it would torture/infuriate people like me, but because many Boston fans are fucking dunderheaded enough to believe that if he had done it it would jinx the 2008 Celtics. I gotcha. Wow. That is sad.

Hey, what about an April Fools' mailbag? Is that something you might be interested in?

Reference from "Entourage," circa 2006. How very relevant. At least his 80s shit is stuff that's managed to stick around in some capacity for 20+ years.

Q: Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away. The baseball season just started and have we been treated to an SG column about it? No! I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?
-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.

Too bad Danny is now a douche by association for getting his question printed. Seems him and I share some similar thought patterns. No, I would not rather read about the Sawks or Tom Brady than basketball, but the general idea here is a good one.

SG: Fine, we'll make it an April Fools' mailbag with no basketball questions. (Frankly, any comparison of my hoops columns to "Binaural" is a wake-up call. I might never write about the NBA again.) Speaking of baseball, allow me one extended thought about the American League heading into the season. Why the American League and not both leagues? Because that's the league in which I watch 162 Red Sox games a year and throw myself into my AL-only fantasy keeper league. I know the American League to the degree that when Leo Nunez pitched two scoreless innings in Detroit on Monday, my reaction wasn't "Who the hell is Leo Nunez?" but "Why didn't we start Nunez over Ian Kennedy this week when he was one of my big sleepers and Kennedy isn't even starting until Saturday?" I am an AL junkie. And if it comes at the expense of following the National League, then so be it. I'm not going to apologize. There's only so much time in the day.

You know, that makes a ton of sense. I know plenty of football fans that only follow the AFC. Basketball fans who love submediocrity and accordingly only pay attention to the Eastern Conference. NASCAR fans who only know anything about even-numbered cars. I mean, with so many other sports being in full swing for much of the baseball season (particularly in July and August), who has time to learn a little bit about every team in both leagues? What a ridiculous idea. And it's not like baseball has certain stats like wins, batting average, and RBI that are really easy to look up and generally allow someone who knows the names of players who accrue them in large amounts to put up rough but decent analysis of said players/teams they play for. That's such a crazy concept. You might as well try to juggle electric eels while taking a shower.

Anyway, here's my big extended thought: We're headed for a potentially historic offensive season in the American League. Consider the following things ...

Shockingly, nearly every single point he makes in an effort to prove this idea ends up being wrong/anecdotal/unprovable/stupid/douche.

1. The quality of AL starting pitching has gone south

Why?

because of two trades (Johan Santana and Danny Haren),

OK, fair enough.

some injuries (John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar, Curt Schilling, Scott Kazmir, possibly Josh Beckett),

Lackey, Beckett, and Kazmir should all be 100% by mid-May, but I guess this point is about half right.

overprotective inning counts (Felix Hernandez, Clay Buchholz, Phil Hughes, Kennedy, Matt Garza and Francisco Liriano)

Hernandez, despite missing some starts, threw 190 last year. That means the M's will probably get him up around 210 this year. But yeah. Just because they don't let him throw 140 pitches a night (look at 33 year old Livan Hernandez and his 81 mph fastball to see how that works out), let's boldly claim that Hernandez is somehow contributing to AL pitching getting worse this year.

Buchholz, Hughes, Kennedy, Liriano, and Garza combined to throw 198 innings last year. Total. This year, if they stay healthy, they'll probably clear 650. Not that these guys are as good as Haren and Santana, but that 450 innings they throw might come somewhere close to being in the neighborhood of balancing out the departure of the two aces. Again, I'm not saying the kids are going to have sub-3.00 ERAs and strike out a guy an inning. But their expected emergence prevents the teams that own them from relying on crappy retreads like Jeff Weaver, who still doesn't have a job. They'll see a lot more action this year than last, and at least two or three of them are bound to turn in good seasons. And somehow, this makes AL pitching worse in 2008 than it was in 2007. That's like saying "I won the state lottery, but I didn't win the Powerball, so I'm actually getting poorer."

and the disappearance of reliable, "I know I'm getting 200-220 innings, 140-170 Ks, 13-17 wins and a solid ERA and WHIP out of him" guys

Any support for this assertion? Any way you can justify this at all? In 2007, 14 AL pitchers fit this profile. In 2006, 15 did. In 2000, 13. It's all pretty consistent over the course of the last 8 seasons. I'm forced to wonder, therefore, when the hell these types of pitchers started disappearing and how that's going to make 2008 any different than other recent seasons. Oh, yeah, I figured out why: Bill Simmons is pulling nonsense out of his tightly clenched sphincter in order to try and prove a nonsensical point.

Wait! He does offer some support!

(leading owners to overpay for the likes of Dice-K, Jeremy Bonderman, Rich Harden, A.J. Burnett and others in my draft last weekend).

Matsuzaka fits that profile you just listed, dummy. Burnett would've fit it had he stayed healthy. Bonderman fit it in 2006. Bill's fantasy league (imagine the level of dickbag in the room during that draft!)- the one and only true predictor of what to expect from athletes in real life.

2. Not only were Kenny Rogers and Tim Wakefield drafted in my keeper league, not only did the bidding war for Wake climb to $7, but my buddy Hench and I shared a fist pump after we landed him.

That's because you stupid cunts are Red Sox fans. That says absolutely nothing about the level of pitching in the league as a whole. Nothing. Less than nothing. Also- take note that this is another attempt at reinforcing a point about predicting the real life future based on what happened during a fantasy draft.

3. We can have up to 10 keepers, so our friend Mikey incredibly decided before the draft to keep Andy Sonnanstine at $8. Even more incredibly, nobody made fun of him or thought it was a bad move.

He stunk last year, but he was a rookie. He's got great minor league numbers. Maybe he puts it all together this year. Maybe he breaks out like Kazmir did in that ballpark during his first full year. Maybe that guy just wanted to focus more on drafting a lineup as opposed to a rotation. What real conclusion about the level of pitching in the AL in 2008, as compared to 2007, can we draw from this? The answer: go fuck yourself.

Along those same lines, Erik Bedard was shut down with a sore shoulder last season, gave up eight homers in spring training and went for $30 in our auction. Did I mention that pitching is thin in the American League this season?

Last year, Bedard was arguably the best pitcher in baseball from May 1 until he was shut down at the end of August. He rehabbed fully. And no one gives a fuck about how superstars play in spring training. Considering he'll be making half his starts in Seattle's big park, that guy who got him for $30 has pretty good odds of laughing hysterically all the way to the bank. Yes, you did mention that you think pitching is thin in the AL this season several times. And you have been completely wrong almost each and every one of those times.

4. The overall quality of middle relievers and set-up guys is even more (pick an adjective: disturbing, appalling, grisly, macabre, comical) than usual. I mean, back in June 2005, if you had asked me to choose between one of two predictions -- "In 2008, Alan Embree and Keith Foulke would still be the lefty-righty set-up combo for an AL team" or "In 2008, Kevin Federline will have five Grammys, an Oscar nomination and his own late-night talk show" -- I would have gone with K-Fed in a kajillasecond.

Durrrr... Those guys were hurt three years ago. Therefore, there's no way they could possibly be effective now. This is the kind of thought process that runs corporations into the ground, wastes billions of tax dollars every year, and allow Billy Beane to win 90+ games a season with payrolls in the mid eight figures. I'm not even going to name any awesome AL setup guys. Suffice it to say: there are a lot of them. In some cases, several on the same team!

5. Todd Jones, Troy Percival, Huston Street, Joe Borowski, George Sherrill and C.J. Wilson make up 40 percent of the league's closers. Would you ask any of those six guys to help you fix a flat tire, much less save a baseball game? I didn't think so.

Not trying to pat myself on the back here, but I've fixed a flat tire on my own. So I wouldn't need help from a MLB player in the extremely unlikely scenario that one of them would be passing by while I was fixing another one. Anyways, Street, Percival, Sherrill, and Wilson were all pretty much lights out last year. But Bill just saw Street blow a save to the Sawks in Tokyo, Percival pitched in the NL last year, and he's never heard of Sherrill and Wilson (despite being an AL junkie), so they go straight to the "suck" box. Jones and Borowski are definitely shaky. But you know what? Someone stop me before I start shouting like Adam Sandler... THEY WERE ALREADY FUCKING CLOSERS LAST YEAR. SO HOW THE FUCK IS THE FACT THAT THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD GOING TO MAKE 2008 THAT MUCH MORE OF AN OFFENSIVELY FRIENDLY YEAR THAN 2007, YOU FUCKING HARD-ON?

Sorry.

6. In our auction, Hench and I paid $14 for Percival. And you know what? We'd do it again.

You probably overpaid, but the guy struck out 36 guys in 40 innings last year. His WHIP was 0.85. He's definitely an injury risk, but if he stays healthy he should be effective. In fact, his re-emergence after semi-retirement and subsequent move from the NL to the AL is a factor that will make AL pitching better in 2008 than it was last year. See how that works? When good players come into the league, it changes how things work.

7. Four of the top five teams have noticeable pitching holes: Detroit (bullpen), Boston (starting rotation, middle relief), Anaheim (ditto), New York (double ditto). Only Cleveland seems to be relatively well-rounded, and that's the same team that relies on Borowski to close games.

Unlike last year, when all of those teams were 100% rock solid when it came to pitching. Totally flawless. Just like the Titanic. (Too soon?) Also: what a fantastic example of anecdotal bullshit.

8. The AL has three monster lineups (New York, Boston and Detroit), two other very good lineups (Cleveland and Anaheim) and one lineup with a chance to become very good (Tampa Bay),

Again, unlike last year, when all of those lineups were full of beer league softball players and anemic children.

as well as an inordinate amount of good hitters who seem like they're poised for a gargantuan year either because it's a contract year, they worked out all winter, they're coming back from an off-season and/or they're ready to make the proverbial leap: Manny Ramirez, Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera, Grady Sizemore, Billy Butler, Delmon Young, Carl Crawford, Alex Gordon, Vernon Wells, Nick Markakis, Josh Hamilton, Robbie Cano, B.J. Upton, Justin Morneau, Howie Kendrick, Travis Hafner ... for God's sake, the list doesn't end, and if the first three guys on that list have career years, their three offenses are going to be insanely, abnormally good.

Well, there's a couple things that are good to know. 1) This year, the AL has some veteran players who are in contract years, and some other good young players who will probably be better than they were last year. 2) If 36 year old Manny (BEING MANNY!) Ramirez or 34 year old Bobby (BEING ON THE DOWNSIDE OF HIS CAREER!) Abreu have ridiculously great seasons, the Red Sox and Yankees will have good offenses.

Let's pick through that list and find the actual candidates to make the AL better in 2008 than it was in 2007- Cabrera, for coming over from the NL; Sizemore, maybe; Gordon; Wells, to rebound; Hamilton, if he doesn't wear down; and Hafner, to rebound. The rest of the names on that list aren't real likely to be a whole lot better this year than last. Cano? Morneau? Markakis? Who the fuck do you expect them to become? I'm not saying they stink, I'm saying they're not going to break out any more than they already have.

So that's my prediction for the American League: We're in for a summer of football scores and eye-popping offensive numbers along the lines of what happened in '77, '87, '93 and the prime of the steroid era.

After all that bullshit, let's review the solid and salient points Bill made in attempting to prove that hypothesis:

Haren and Santana gone, Cabrera added. A few guys who were good last year hurt for a month or so. Kelvim Escobar and Curt Schilling hurt all season.

The end. And that gets us to an offensive explosion. Just... wow. "But... but... but! There are some young guys trying to break out! And Todd Jones and Joe Borowski are cl-" SHUT UP. NONE OF THAT MEANS ANYTHING.

Christ, this is exhausting. There's a lot of great stuff left to cover (including more thinly veiled racism from Bill) but I've gotta turn in. Tomorrow night I'll pick up where I left off. Now, to just tie up all the loose ends by going up to the top of the page and putting "Pt. 1" at the end of the title. Awesome. I am soooo awesome.

Some Casual Announcements

As the title states, I'd like to announce a few news items that some of you may find interesting. No big deal. Ho hum. If you are shocked or amazed by any of these, please leave a comment expressing your feelings. None of them have links to the stories that would prove they are true because... um... well, don't worry about it. Just take my word for it- all of these are real! Promise. (I can't wait. This is going to be so funny.)

-Apparently the Mets have signed a new pitcher named Sidd Finch, who can throw a fastball at 168 mph. Good for them. If he stays healthy, I'd have to say this puts them a step above the Braves and Phillies in the NL East.

-Doctors in Toronto say that when they conducted their routine physical on David Eckstein after the Blue Jays signed him last offseason, it was discovered that he literally has the largest heart out of anyone on Earth. It's about four times larger than yours or mine. One of the side effects of this condition is having no skin pigment.

-I won't be picking on Bill Simmons anymore. I just realized how funny he is. And, it's like, he's so right about everything! It feels like he's my old buddy, you know, and he just happened to get a job as a sportswriter. Hooray for more articles about Boston teams. I have to admit, they're just more compelling than everyone else.

-It turns out, "Jemele Hill" is just a pseudonym. She's actually a racist white guy from Alabama, spewing his hateful ideas all over the internet under the guise of being an African-American woman.

-Jay Mariotti has been fired by the Chicago Sun-Times and ESPN.

-PNoles will be taking his place in both capacities. Congratulations PNoles.

Again, if you think any of these stories are unbelievable or amazing, be sure to leave a comment saying so. I think it's really important that you share your feelings about this. (Oh come on, just one person... please... please... I did a good enough job being subtle and believable, I'm pretty sure.)

Ebert, Roeper, and Morgan

Joe, during tonight's Twins/Angels game, re: Bull Durham:

That's one of the greatest movies ever made about the minor leagues.

Are you sure? Boy, that's going out on a limb. Do you really want to stick it up there with Brewster's Millions? What about Major League III? And don't forget Bleacher Bums, with that unfunny pud Brad Garrett. I guess if you really wanted to stretch it, you could call Bull Durham one of the top 25 minor league-centric movies ever. But expect some resistance to that inclusion from serious movie aficionados.

Herez you're bonus punchedline!!!!!!!1111:

I bet Joe would call Babe Ruth one of the best home run hitters of the 1920s.

John Kruk Stays The Course

Krukie, earlier today offering his prediction for who will win the NL Central this year:

I like the Cubs- and I've been saying this since day one.

It is day one, jackass. Or day five, I guess, if you want to be picky about those A's/Red Sox games. I guess he probably meant "since the beginning of spring training." That's still like picking a team to win the NCAA tourney when the brackets get announced, watching them beat East Bumfuck State A&M in the first round, and then reaffirming the pick as if you're going out on a limb by sticking to your guns.

In an unrelated story, it's been tough to keep holding on to this one, but I've still got Andrew W.K. as my pick for douchiest one hit wonder of the 21st century.

Baseball Is Back!

But that's no reason for this puff piece from HatGuy.

At last, our lovable pastime, is here again

We're in the title, and already HatGuy is having annoying grammar disorders.

There is no better team game than this most American of sports

Ironic that baseball is largely an individual game, eh?

It is a game of geometry,

This is the way we're starting out a "baseball is awesome" column? "It is a game of geometry???" Yeah, there's shapes....there's like....lines....and diamonds (funny story about diamonds...they're like tilted squares!), and spheres too!

ESPN trailer: Get ready for some geometrical action right here on ESPN tomorrow at 1 PM when the Hexagons duel it out with the Tetrahedrons!

a game of subtlety,

That's debatable....baseball is pretty freakin straightforward in both rules and analysis.

a game of power, a game of strategy, a game of speed

Very yes, less yes, much less yes.

a game of skill

Wow. This is what separates baseball from.....sitting in a fucking garage and flipping a coin.

a game of deception, a game of visual beauty.

Yes, and aw what the hell, who doesn't think baseball is beautiful?

It is baseball, and there is no better team game than this most American of sports.

You said that already.

Football is more popular. Basketball, when played as we’ve seen in the NCAA tournament, is terrifically exciting.

Bitch slap: NBA and NCAA basketball regular season.

Hockey is jam-packed with collisions and breathtaking speed. Soccer is a passion bred like religion into its fans from before they are even aware that they are alive.

But baseball is the best.

Now HatGuy. No matter how much I agree with you, you have to accept that this is an opinion and not pure fact.

We remind ourselves of this truth

No. No. No. No. No.

as we do every year when the calendar reaches April, and the game that will carry us through spring and summer and into fall begins its languid journey.

HatGuy: ::runs into his editor's office, sees note that says, "Dear bastard Hattigan. I am sick of looking at your fedora, and have left to work for Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times. Sincerely, Jeffrey Conway. 3/24/2005"::

HatGuy: Whatever, my grammar's perfect through spring and summer and into fall begins its languid journey. I don't need Jeffrey.

If the sun is shining on opening day, there is a thrill to the sight of the sharp white lines that outline an emerald diamond populated by figures in unblemished uniforms.

"Optimist in March" -- a poem by Edgar Allen Celizic.

Football is a game of drives and marches.

Uh huh....

Basketball is one of possessions.

So is football.

Baseball is one of anticipation and journeys.

I now see the difference between these three sports. Thank you, Mike.

Bart Giamatti, the former commissioner of baseball, wrote eloquently about that journey that begins with the batter standing at home, trying first to leave it and then to get back — to be safe once again at home. For him, it was a grand metaphor of life, this circuitous journey that could be fraught with danger and obstacles, that could demand daring and bravery to complete.

::sniff:: That's just so....so beautiful.

The ball itself is just the agent of play. In other games, you score by putting the ball — or the puck — somewhere important. In baseball, you score by putting the players somewhere important. Even when you hit a home run, the ball itself doesn’t score. Its journey out of the field of play merely gives the players a free pass to go home again.

I don't know about the rest of you lunatics, but this is why normal people like me and Mike Celizic find baseball so fascinating.

Then there is the anticipation of baseball, the gradual build-up to moments of critical mass that the savvy fan can see coming.

Like, say, that late-game 3-pointer that crushes the enemy team, or the field goal attempt as time winds down in football with your team down by 2?

You can look ahead in baseball as you can’t in any other sport.

He's about to list examples. I am going to give you a literally parallel basketball example for each.

Count the outs remaining,

Count the minutes remaining.

figure out what your team needs to do to get its big guns up

Figure out what your team needs to do to free up your best player for shots.

check the pitch count, estimate when the bullpen is going to have to get involved.

Check the "minutes played" stat for players, and also "fouls", estimate when bench players are going to have to step in for starters.

Your superstar in any other sport is a constant threat to score. In baseball, you have to wait your turn, and there’s something really cool about that. That’s one reason it’s so much fun to play. Even the worst player on the team gets his times at bat, and the worst player in the field will discover that the ball will find him. Unlike other sports, you can’t hide your weaknesses; everybody on the field is important, everybody can be there at the critical moment when the game is won or lost.

What HatGuy is saying here is technically true. But one bad offensive lineman can derail your offense in football. Also, one bad defensive player can be absolutely abused in basketball. So yeah, there's something cool about the worst hitter in the lineup needing to bad with the game on the line, but it's not like you can just hide your weaknesses in other sports.

The rest isn't terrible, but it does offer a description of Celizic visiting baseballreference.com for the first time and getting himself horribly confused in things he doesn't understand.

Jeff Pearlman Wants Rick Reilly's Job

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the ultimate puff piece. It's by FJayM favorite, Jeff Pearlman. It's pretty much an exact recap of my first post on this blog, where I satirized Rick Reilly columns for being overly sentimental. The problem with any satire is that someone just might take you seriously. You have to wonder if one poor Irish baby actually ended up dinner thanks to that Swift asshole.

Anyways. To the article!

The other day I submitted a column to my editor that was lathered in snark. That's pretty much all I've been shooting off lately -- one snarky piece after another. It's a trap writers fall into from time to time.

"Snark" is a word invented by Lewis Carroll to describe an imaginary animal. Just because "snarky" is an adjective doesn't mean you can say that you lathered your column in snark, unless you've just slain a Jabberwocky.

We start to believe opining on the negatives of sports is more fruitful than opining on the positives. So we unload on steroids and dumb jocks and David Carr and Pittsburgh's middle relief, quite certain that's what you, the customer, covets.

Not only do we at Fire Jay Mariotti covet just that, we actually produce just that when you writers fail to supply it. Actually, even when you opine on the positives, Jeff, some asshole on the internet will probably make a blog post criticizing your word choices.

"There's a fine line between being cynical and coming across as bitter," my editor said. "The readers are turned off by bitter, and I believe it makes them a lot less likely to read future pieces of yours."

I know for a fact that larry b is turned on by bitter, and I suspect chris w is as well. In fact, I suspect that 95% of this blog's readers are turned on by bitter - that's what brings them here.

Although it doesn't always show, I love sports. Love them.

Actually, Jeff, so do we.

I love walking into the Toronto Blue Jays' clubhouse and finding Sal Fasano -- the ultimate baseball survivor -- standing there with a goofy smile and tobacco juice dripping down his chin.

Disagree. Jon Lester is the ultimate baseball survivor.

I love watching the David Tyree catch on YouTube over and over again. I love little guys who have no business being here: Spud Webb, Harry Chappas, Theo Fleury.

What the hell? No Eckstein?

Also: you're wrong, Jeff. Just because they're little doesn't mean they have no business being here! If they really had no business being there, you can bet that the GMs wouldn't have hired them to play sports, because GMs don't really give a shit about advancing the cause of undersized people everywhere, they just care about winning games!

-- at this point, Jeff goes on a weird memory trip about his high school track team. Weird.

I love what this job has allowed me to witness. Tony Gwynn leading his Padres teammates back onto the field to thank the fans after winning the 1998 NLCS. Robin Ventura's walk-off grand slam single. Luis Gonzalez smoking one up the middle.

There's no way that Gonzo "smoked one" up the middle. Here's where being overly sentimental about things actually influences your memory. Here's VIDEO EVIDENCE of my point:

(fast forward to the 3:45 mark if you don't have time for all of it)



See? The announcers describe it as "floated" - it was a little bloop at best. I realize I'm being nitpicky - overanalyzing one of Jeff's verbs - but it's stuff like that that annoys the hell out of me. You know you're being overly sentimental when you describe a texas leaguer as being "smoked".

[Also, if you listen to the whole YouTube thing, Tim McCarver makes the most salient point I've ever heard him make - immediately before Gonzo's at-bat. I hadn't seen this clip since I watched it live six years ago - but I'm actually kind of impressed. Way to go, Tim!]

I love that I once interviewed Lou Piniella while he was simultaneously urinating, smoking a cigarette and eating a hoagie.

Jeff: TMI.

I love sports names. I love Taylor Coppenrath, Orlando Woolridge, Dewon Brazelton and Alge Crumpler. I love Coco Crisp, Flozell Adams, I.M. Hipp and Mike Augustyniak. I love Nuu Faaola even more than I love Mosi Tatupu, but not quite as much as I love Niko Noga.

Everyone likes good sports names, except larry b who just yesterday complained that he doesn't care what anyone is named. Larry b is a cynical asshole.

Just for the heck of it: Snuffy Stirnweiss.

[This guy has a good list of the good ones in baseball. ]
___________________________________________________________

Jeff, everyone loves sports as much as you do. Even the bitter, cynical people who write blogs like this one. But everyone (should) hate overly sentimental sports pieces, just like this one. Don't turn into Rick Reilly.

Simmons, Bill: Munch, Ass

I will say this about the Sports Guy: he knows a hell of a lot more about basketball than he does about football or baseball. Given that fact, you'd think he'd be able to write a semi-coherent Basketball Blog entry. Of course, you'd be wrong.

I spent the weekend lounging around the Sports Guy Mansion, watching college basketball and waiting for the Milwaukee Bucks to contact me about their suddenly vacant GM job. You're not going to believe this, but they never did. And you know what? I can't spend the next few weeks checking my e-mails 300 times a day and jumping every time the phone rings waiting for the Bucks to come to their senses and interview the one guy who'd actually generate some interest in the franchise...

Things that Bill has a point about in regards to his quarter serious/three quarters joking pursuit of an NBA GM job:

1) There are a lot of dumb GMs out there right now. So it's not beyond the realm of possibility that a guy off the street with no formal sports management experience could do just as good a job as some of those idiots.

Things that make Bill sound like an idiot in regards to said pursuit:

1) He's just generally stupid. A copout as my first point, of course, but I'm feeling uncreative tonight.

2) Sad as it may seem, not every GM out there makes decisions based solely on the merit of whether or not that decision makes the team better in either the short or long term. Sometimes they do what the owner tells them to, because the owner thinks the decision in question will help the franchise put butts in seats and generate revenue in the short term. If a washed up guy gets a huge contract, it's not necessarily because the team thinks he's not washed up. It might be because the team considers the contract a good investment. No, it doesn't necessarily make sense. Yes, it is the way sports work.

3) Real GMing is nothing like this: "Why do teams never make trades that make perfect sense for all parties involved? Team A can send Players G and K to Team B. Team B sends their 2010 first round pick (top four protected) to Team A and Player Q to team C. Team C sends Player M to Team A (to make the cap work), three future 2nd round picks (top 45 protected) to Team B, and throws in $500,000 in cash and a Faberge egg. Look at this simplistic and mostly wrong explanation of how it helps all of them! If anyone can come up with any reason as to why this shouldn't happen, I'd love to hear it." *Smugly crosses arms and smirks*

It's really cute how he can come up with imaginary fifteen player/six team trades all the time. But I'm pretty sure those are a tad bit difficult to pull off in real life. Even his two team/handful of player ideas are often poorly justified. The reason so few trades happen is not because the league has become the (acronym joke alert!) "No Balls Association." It's because it's extremely difficult to find trades that truly, actually benefit all parties involved. It's not fantasy sports, where teamwork and chemistry don't matter and where it's easy to see exactly how much a trade helps a team get better in certain categories. Bill's inability to understand this would undoubtedly lead to the tragic early termination of his job. How would it be tragic? I'll leave that to your imagination.

If your team had a creative, enterprising, thinking-out-of-the-box bone in their lottery-ridden body, it would have jumped on my "candidacy" quickly and tried to milk a few weeks of P.R. out of it. Why?

BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY WOULD EVER GET A CASUAL FAN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN THE DAY-TO-DAY PROCEEDINGS OF THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS!

They could have made me think I had a real chance at the job, put me through the interview process, added me to the final list of candidates, then given the position to someone else in the end. That's a savvy move, right? Throw in the one-in-a-thousand chance that I'd impress the hell out of them and somehow get the job and it's the proverbial no-brainer -- just to get their fans chattering, they should have contacted me and thrown my name in the mix, even if they didn't really mean it. That's why the average Bucks fan should be thinking to themselves right now, "Wow, we're such a mess right now that we couldn't even figure out how to cash in on some easy P.R."

Totally awesome. What a bodaciously rad idea. Maybe they could also have a car wash or bake sale to raise some money to build a new arena!

I bet Bill Veeck is rolling over in his grave at the lameness of this idea. Being at the center of a bizarre and not-nearly-as-interesting-as-the-guy-who-conceptualized-it-thinks-it-is publicity stunt: a chance every struggling franchise should jump at! Or not.

Anyway, since the Bucks refuse to acknowledge my candidacy, it looks like I'm going to have to shift to Plan B: Openly and frequently torturing them. Stay tuned.

Openly and frequently torturing them? I'm sitting right here, man. I can hear everything you're saying.

In the meantime, allow me five extended thoughts on the first two rounds of March Madness:

1. There were five astounding things about the first round in Anaheim. First, the arena didn't serve any alcohol for the entire day. That's just un-American and I can't even come up with an adequate reaction of disgust for this decision.

It wasn't a decision made anytime recently, or about just the Anaheim regional of the 2008 tournament. His ignorance as to how NCAA athletics work is really shining through. I guess I can't blame him- he didn't grow up caring about college sports. He had his beloved Sawks. And his dad was a Celtics season ticket holder! Did you know that? I bet you didn't. And, of course, it goes without saying that he spent every fall loyally cheering for his beloved Patriots, who he's been a huge fan of since he was a small child. Wait, did I just say "since he was a small child?" Sorry. Just like with 90% of Boston-area natives, I meant to say he's been a huge fan of them "since the late 90s."

Second, everyone was forced to leave the arena between the first session (the first two games) and the second session (the last two games), which would have been fine if we were in downtown Boston or downtown Chicago, but, um ... we were in Anaheim. Half the arena spilled into the only bar/restaurant within a three-block vicinity, shattering the record for "most customers per waitress" and threatening to become the biggest mob scene in California since the Rodney King riots.

Too soon!

And third, everyone at that same bar had more fun drinking and watching the K-State/USC and Duke/Belmont games on TV than anything we witnessed in our four games. It's absolutely incredible how many people despise Duke and how the entire place galvanized behind Belmont at the end like it was the 1980 Olympic hockey team. If Belmont had pulled off the upset victory, there's a 25 percent chance that we'd still be there drinking and celebrating four days later.

Whoa there, Mr. Emasculated. How would your wife feel about that one? I don't think she'd be too fond of that crazy idea. And remember, you've got kids too! Remember? Your kids, that you always fucking talk about? I do. They're awesome. And they help you come up with little jokes about how smelly diapers are and how terrified you are for your daughter to reach dating age! You know who really tells it like it is? That cartoon strip For Better Or For Worse. Oh man! Raising kids isn't all it's cracked up to be, is it? Sorry. I'm done.

As for the fourth astounding thing, we happened to be sitting near the Cornell section for the Cornell-Stanford blowout and saw fans wearing Cornell jerseys and red paint. You have to love March Madness if only for the thought of someone buying a Cornell jersey five years ago and saying, "Some day, we'll make the NCAAs and I'll get to wear this thing during a 40-point blowout."

How astounding. Fans of a team. Attending a game in which their team is playing. Wearing their team's apparel. Folks, you can't make this stuff up.

But all of those astounding things paled in comparison to the Cornell cheerleaders, a group that apparently was assembled hastily within 48 hours of the tournament. During the first half, they tried to do one of those pseudo-pyramids in which two groups of three girls lifted two other girls in the air, only one of the girls lost her balance and nearly tumbled face-first to her death before the other girls somehow caught her. Unfortunately, they had to finish their routines...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And, we're back!

...poor girl lost control of her bowels on the three girls holding her up. Just kidding. Again, you have to love March Madness.

That story was so bad, I feel like claiming I found ten dollars after just listening to it.

2. The biggest tournament shocker for me: The "powerful" Pac-10 failing to live up to the hype, keeping just three teams alive in the first round and then having two of those teams nearly get toppled in the second round.

They only got three teams into the Sweet 16? Pussies. I hear the WAC got seven. The Big Sky, even in a down year, got twelve. Now, admittedly, the Pac-1o didn't exactly set the world on fire as a whole. But their three best teams took care of business, two of them beating medium-strong Big East teams in the second round. I don't think they fell pathetically short or anything. At least they're not the ACC.

3. Speaking of the draft, did anyone else find it interesting that Texas A&M's DeAndre Jordan was ranked 10-15 spots ahead of Love on every draft board for most of this season, but when they crossed on Saturday night Love dominated on both ends down the stretch while Jordan looked like the illegitimate son of Kwame Brown and Darko Milicic? You're telling me that Love isn't one of the best 10 prospects in this draft? Really? What else needs to happen?

1) Love's supporting cast might be just a little bit more talented than Jordan's, which may under some circumstances possibly affect how good each player looks when they square off head-to-head. Perhaps.

2) NBA draft boards are made based off of estimations as to how good players will be in the NBA. They are not made based off of estimations as to how good players were in college. This is why Trajan Langdon should have never been a Cleveland Cavalier.

3) It's worth noting that Bill is from Boston and Kevin Love is white. Am I directly saying anything? No. Am I implying something? Absolutely. Did I borrow the concept of aggressively playing up Boston's racism from Kissing Suzy Kolber? Maaaayyyyyyyyybe. (Jeff, and any other cool Boston readers we might have, you know I'm not talking about you. Just the kind of people that think Wes Welker is better than Randy Moss, or that Bird was as good as Jordan.)

4. Most common question from the past four days: Does Texas qualify for the Ewing Theory? Of course it does. I may be drinking the Kevin Durant Kool-Aid, but he's never won anything and Texas is doing better without him. These are the facts.

Bill is not just drinking Kevin Durant Kool-Aid. He's fucking swimming in it. He's got an IV of it running directly through his skull and into his brain. Remember all the shit he said about Durant between March and June of last year? It got ridiculous. Bill just fell head over heels for the guy. Why? Because he turned on his TV a couple times earlier in the season, saw Durant lighting it up, and decided he was the future savior of the then-struggling Celtics. That's basically it- I'm not going to link the columns, but if you read Simmons regularly, you shouldn't have any trouble agreeing. That's basically it. Durant hung 30+ on a couple of teams in December and January... Bill saw those games... the Celtics were likely to have a good shot at the top pick in the draft... and that was that. Durant was going to be the guy Bill could cheer for for the next 15 years. OK, fine, fair enough. Durant will probably end up being a great pro. His rookie season is going well. But here's the problem- earlier in this same article, in a section about the stupid Bucks thing I omitted, Bill claims:

If you're expecting the lottery to change things, know that there isn't a prospect in the 2008 draft who could be the best player on a championship contender with the possible exception of Michael Beasley (who has a little too much Glenn Robinson/Derrick Coleman in him for my liking).

Oh, OK. Even though Beasley is a better shooter (52% FGs vs. 47%), better in the post (stronger and quicker), and at least as good of a rebounder (12.4 per game vs. 11.1) as Durant, let's go ahead and slap the ol' "semi-bust" sticker on him right now. Why? Because the Celtics don't need a future savior anymore, and as a result, Bill has no reason to glom onto an obvious future star as he plays out his first and only NCAA season. It has nothing to do with the players in question, or former players they may or may not resemble. Switch the years each of them appeared on the scene, and Bill's drinking the Beasley Kool-Aid while huffing and puffing about how Durant has a little too much Joe Smith in him for his liking. It's sad- this is the #1 sports columnist on the internet. And we are his readers.

Seriously, though- fuck those two pieces of analysis in their ears. Saying the things he's said about Durant, then turning around and saying Beasley will never be the best player on a top 10 NBA team, is fucking ludicrous.

5. All right, I have to come clean on something.

After watching them multiple times this season and seeing them in person last Thursday, I've become a fan of ... (gulp) ... the Lopez brothers. (I know, I know. It's like you don't even know me anymore.) I'd be the first to admit that everything about them cries "bust" -- the twins gimmick,

Yeah, all those over-hyped sets of twins in NBA history all turned out to be busts. All... one of them. I think that's a sufficient sample size with which to conclude that no twins will ever succeed in the league.

the Stanford pedigree,

Hall of Famers Jim Pollard and George Yardley? Bums. Brevin Knight? Never helped a team in his life. Josh Childress? My grandma could average 12 and 6. (I mean, he's not great, but he's not a bust.)

the androgynous first names,

Bill's not exactly known for his "hard" analysis, but that's kind of strange.

the Jose/Ozzie Canseco talent differential between them--

So... if Robin played like a basketball equivalent of Ozzie Canseco, and Brook played like a basketball equivalent of Jose, who would be a fringe HOFer if not for the roids... that would make them... both busts?

and yet, if you watch them closely and ignore all the fringe stuff,

Like whether or not they have names like "Chris" and "Pat,"

you'll realize pretty quickly that these guys are not the next coming of the Collins twins.

Right. Once you get past all that other stuff that doesn't fucking matter.

What's weird is that Brook has been ranked too high (top-three) and Robin has been ranked too low (second round) by the draftniks; Brook might be a better scorer at the college level, but Robin projects well as an energy rebounder/defender in the pros, like a cross between Joakim Noah and Anderson Varejao (right down to his hair).

This might surprise you- here we come to the sentence in this article which actually offends me the most out of any of them. That's right, this is the one that really gets me going. It's pure, unbridled laziness. It's like an even worse derivative of the same phenomenon we see in his comparison of Durant and Beasley. Here's what happened that led to the formation of the second part of this sentence.

1) Bill saw Robin's hair.

2) "Ha ha! That guy has a funny 'doo! What a goofball."

3) "Hmmmmm, kind of looks the hair of two other guys in the NBA- Noah and Varejao."

4) "I kind of want to write about these guys in my next Basketball Blog. Here's what I'll do! Even though his game is not really anything like theirs, mostly because he's bigger and slower than both of them, I'll say that he's going to be like them! Then I'll tie it all back together with the hair thing!"

5) "Should I try to work in name dropping Jimmy Kimmel somewhere in here to make it complete?"

I don't throw the word guarantee around much, but I'm breaking it out here. I gua-ran-fucking-TEE you that this is what happened. I mean, not all the specific words, but the concept. He saw the hair, thought of Varejao and Noah, and then decided that would be sufficient grounds for comparing Lopez's game to theirs. Having lived in the Bay Area (in fact, not more than 15 minutes away from Stanford's campus) all last winter, I have seen Lopez play many times. The comparison of skillsets in question is flat out wrong. It's just factually incorrect. Why does this guy have a job?

Let's get ready for the big finish. This is it, for both Bill and me. I'm not even going to write anything else after I copy and paste this. I think the horrific awkwardness and inexplicable rambling he provides for the ending of his own column will also work out well for me. Ready?

Now, the reason that we're inherently prejudiced against the Lopez twins is simple: They're charter members of the Lindsay Hunter All-Stars for "Athletes with names that make them sound like hot girls." In other words, because their names make them sound like two smoking-hot juniors at an all-girls prep school, it's impossible to take them seriously as NBA prospects. If their names were Dwight Lopez and Isaac Lopez, you'd feel much better about them in the first round. You would. On the flip side, you could argue that O.J. Mayo received so much hype over the past two seasons simply because he had such a fantastic name. Anyway, watch the Lopez twins this week and pretend their names are Dwight and Isaac. You'll feel much better about them.

OK, I lied. Only because I have to rhetorically ask- how the fuck do you end a column like that? You might as well just tell an anecdote about a hilarious phone call you recently shared with your dad/J-Bug/House/Hench.

Lingerie On The Deck!

Someone should kidnap Bill Raftery and Dick Vitale and force them to fight to exhaustion to keep their jobs. Lock them in a tiny room... two men enter, one man leaves after the other taps out. Just like that, NCAA basketball becomes significantly more enjoyable.

A real post to follow later tonight.

Bubbleheaded Optimism Radiates From The Toronto Star

We're now welcoming FireJay newbie, Dave Perkins.

Jays have the pitching to contend

No they don't. Their pitching is playoff caliber, but it doesn't come close to make up for their offensive shortcomings, especially if David Eckstein starts at shortstop over slick-fielding John McDonald. Ground ball pitchers getting hundreds and hundreds of balls slapped Eckstein's way. ACK!

Even with subtractions, the Jays go north with more pitching, front to back, than either the Red Sox or the Yankees, it says here.

It says where? Are you reading from something? If so, this is plagiarism!

Boston has Josh Beckett and his bad back to consider; he didn't fly the 21,000 kilometres to and from Tokyo, possibly because nothing is worse for a bad back than flying.

Beckett will be out of action for a little bit, then most likely he'll be back pitching and awesome.

They also have Curt Schilling on the long-term DL

Good thing they have 6 starters.

DL and are counting heavily on talented kids Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz.

Buchholz is a stud. There's nothing wrong with counting on him. Most likely, he'll be the 2nd best starter on the team this year.

The Yankees are holding their breath on Andy Pettitte's bad back, plus Mike Mussina looked washed-up much of last year.

I'm going to stop you right there. You are arguing for a team containing A.J. Burnett by saying Andy Pettitte has injury problems? Sure, it's a concern, but Andy threw 215 innings last year.

They have outstanding young arms in Joba Chamberlain, Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy, but what are the odds all three will come through under intense pressure?

Decent. And the odds that at least two will come through are very, very high.

The Jays have a slight edge in that their young pitchers, namely Dustin McGowan, Shawn Marcum and Jesse Litsch, have more experience than the Boston and Yankee kids.

You're being ridiculous. "Experience" is not an adequate substitute for "skill", and it certainly does not trump it. Hughes, Buchholz, Chamberlain, and Kennedy are all better than those three pitchers.

Kids aside, would you trade Toronto's top three starters – Roy Halladay, A.J. Burnett and McGowan – for the first three of either New York (let's say Chien-Ming Wang, Pettitte and Hughes)

That's pretty close actually.

or Boston (Beckett, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Lester)?

Plug in Buchholz for Lester, and yes, absolutely, I would make that trade in a heartbeat and you'd be crazy not to. And yes, I am talking about just for this season.

Not me.

Because you overrate Dustin McGowan to the extreme and have no clue that Clay Buchholz is better than Jon Lester.

Toronto's lineup, which has been dreadfully powerless down here this spring, will not score runs the way New York's and Boston's will. That's a legitimate concern. But pitching is the backbone of any good team and because Toronto's pitching looks better, at least to these eyes, than either of their rivals, this might be a more interesting summer than most if not all of the past 14, depending on health issues.

You know what? You're right. Sure, San Francisco won't be able to score runs to save their life, but they have damn good pitching! And that's the backbone! This might be an interesting summer for them.....

(Side note: I've been thinking about this a lot, and am inclined to believe that hitting is more important than pitching. Baseball is 50% scoring runs, 50% preventing runs. A small but significant part of preventing runs is defense, so it can't all be pitching. Scoring runs is almost all hitting.)

It usually does and the critical component in all this is Burnett. If he's healthy and gets 30-plus starts, this team could contend. If he breaks down again, they'll be scrambling for pitching again.

If this happens, and James Shields gets injured, the Blue Jays have a great shot at 3rd place.