Good Old Bill Plaschke

So I wanted to find something stupid.  I don't know if I am just off my game, but it's harder to find outright stupid on ESPN.com these days, so I decided to read some of Bill Plaschke's latest screed. Here's a recent puff piece about a grindy old  white middle infielder!  I'll bet you didn't realize the greatness of a truly unsung Dodger hero: Mark Ellis.

As the sports world is learning with every jaw-dropping win, these suddenly delightful Dodgers are a team of many faces.

As opposed to the crosstown Angels, who are a team of ONE FACE.  And it's the face of Ernesto Frieri.

They include Yasiel Puig's giant look of wonder, Juan Uribe's impish grin, A.J. Ellis' grimace,Clayton Kershaw's scowl, and occasionally even Don Mattingly's smile.

That is a lot of faces.  The Dodgers sound like a bunch of manic depressives.  And if there's any word that describes Juan Uribe, a 33 year old man, it's impish.

Then there is The Stare. It's solid, expressionless, powerful in its confident calm, a constant in the Dodgers' dizzying array of emotion.

"Solid, expressionless, powerful in its confident calm". Woah!  That's a lot of adjectives. "Dizzying array".  I'm getting vertigo just reading this stuff. It sure sounds like these Dodgers need Mark Ellis to calm things down. He's the Zoloft of baseball players.

Dodgers fans know The Stare. They see it on Ellis from the moment he steps on to the field, as endemic to his appearance as the blue lettering across his chest.

Uniforms are endemic to players... until they take them off at the end of the game.  Unless maybe Mark Ellis has a Dodgers tattoo on his chest. It's all part of his confident calm.

 He stares at the hitter from the field, the pitcher from the plate, the game from the dugout, the giant season from his small spot.

Bill, thanks for illustrating for us readers.  It makes the baseball game come alive in our minds.  We can imagine where Mark Ellis stands!   Except for that last one: where exactly is this "small spot" that Mark Ellis is staring at the giant season?

Is Mark Ellis's spot any smaller than other players' spots?

It's also apparently really cute when Mark Ellis' 6-year-old son, Briggs, imitates it while playing tee ball in the middle of his living room.

"Yeah, he taps the bat on the ground and then goes into that look,'' said Ellis with a laugh. "I'm thinking, you know, he's really got it down."

"Oh, c'mon, sometimes I laugh at Puig and Uribe; the cameras just don't catch that,'' he said.

Guess not.

Even Mark seems to understand basic sampling.  If only Bill would learn that lesson.  

You could see The Stare in high definition Wednesday night in Toronto when Ellis calmly strolled to the plate in the 10th inning with no hits in his previous four at-bats to face a pitcher he had never seen.

Stare. Strike one. Stare. Strike two. Stare. Boom.

Bill is varying his sentence length, folks. That's a tip for you young writers out there!  The short sentences really heighten the drama.

Ellis launched a rocket off Juan Perez into the Rogers Centre second deck for a two-run, tiebreaking home run, then quickly rounded the bases as if hurrying back to work after a long lunch break. His teammates surrounded him in giddiness, but The Stare remained for another half-inning until the Dodgers had finished off an improbable 8-3 victory.

An excellent story. Except that Mark Ellis would never take a long lunch break, since he is busy working and staring and grinding.

"We still had work to do," Ellis said. "I have always been taught, this is only three hours of your life, and if you can't give it your full concentration for three hours, then maybe you should do something else."

I like the "maybe" in here, as though Ellis didn't want to offend anyone, like the guy with the fifth-most home runs in major league history, who doesn't have to give his full concentration even in the ninth inning of playoff games when there are bikini models in the stands.  He probably doesn't want to earn that guy's enmity.  Maybe he should do something else.  Actually, maybe he will!

Ellis, who is the oldest member of the regular lineup at age 36, did not start in Thursday's homecoming loss to the Cincinnati Reds at Dodger Stadium because he was batting a career .091 against Reds starter Mat Latos.

Too bad, because the Dodgers are 37-23 when he starts, and that doesn't begin to measure his solid-as-South-Dakota impact on this year's team.

Oh man.  I don't even know where to start here.  Rather than recognizing that Ellis's .091 average is only 11 ABs, he mentions that the Dodgers have won a lot of games when he started.  It's the worst stat ever, and even major news outlets occasionally misuse it to a staggering extent.  

Also, what makes South Dakota more solid than any other state?  Mount Rushmore or something?  Is Mount Rushmore solider than the other mountains?  I bet Alaska is pretty darn solid.  Is he just looking for alliteration?  I guess South Dakota is a lot more solid than South Carolina.  Or the Susquehanna river.  Or San Francisco. 

Oh yeah, he learned The Stare while growing up in Rapid City, S.D., a place where the good people wear their stoicism like overcoats, a place where he didn't play high school baseball because it was too cold for a high school baseball season.

Oh, ok.  Mark Ellis is from South Dakota, where people are more morally solid than in South Carolina.  Well, I guess South Dakota's only institutional racism was against Native Americans, so that's half as many institutional racisms as South Carolina. And in South Carolina people can't wear their stoicism like overcoats, because they don't even need overcoats.

"That's the way we are up there, we never get too high or low,'' Ellis said. "Like those NFL players and those touchdown dances? We're not too high on that.''

Good old fashioned grinders. 

It is this attitude that helped Ellis endure an injury last season that nearly cost him his leg after he was hit by the St. Louis Cardinals' Tyler Greene while attempting to turn a double play. It is also an attitude that has helped him thrive this year in connecting when it counts.

Two bold stats: With a runner on third and fewer than two out, he is hitting .727 with 19 RBIs in 17 plate appearance. In tie games, he is .329 with three of his five home runs.

Last year, in 14 PA with a runner on 3rd and less than 2 outs, Mark Ellis scored a measly 36% of the runners.  His career number is 50%.  Sure makes his 2013 numbers seem like random variation rather than the results of The Stare.  Ostensibly, Mark Ellis has had The Stare since his boyhood in solid-old-South Dakota.  Maybe it only really takes effect and makes him clutch when  he is surrounded by a hysterical bunch of manic depressives.

"This game takes all kinds, and Mark is one of those kinds," said Mattingly, the Dodgers' manager. "He's solid … bread and butter … nothing flashy, just gets it done."

While the hitting stars such as Puig and Hanley Ramirez get the headlines, it is the guys paddling furiously below who have fueled this Dodgers uprising, guys such as the Ellis duo, Skip Schumaker,Nick Punto and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Mark Ellis WAR: 1.9, AJ Ellis  WAR: 2.2, Skip Schumaker WAR: -0.4, Nick Punto WAR: 0.8, Jerry Hairston Jr. WAR 0.0.  I bet the "Ellis duo" feels like the just citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah who got lumped in with all the assholes and everyone went down together in a flaming destruction. 

OK, that analogy doesn't make a lot of sense.

The Stare symbolizes those guys. The Stare is what makes you think this hot streak can endure.

The Stare.  The Stare.  The Stare.  The Stare.  That's what makes you think the Dodgers will keep winning, not Clayton Kershaw's 1.87 ERA or Hanley Ramirez and Yasiel Puig OPSing over 1 in over 200 PA.

Ellis eventually played Thursday, batting in the ninth inning, knocking a pinch single into right field against a zillion-mile-a-hour fastball from Aroldis Chapman. He was stranded on third base as the game ended, but at least he was there. He's pretty much always there.

Mark Ellis: always there.

"This is what we do, this is our job," Ellis said. "You just get it done."

That was a very meaningful insight, Mark Ellis.

Three hours, and one stare, at a time.

Two examples of Mark Ellis's late-game hits and a couple of misplaced stats and a facial expression.  BOOM.  Plaschke gold.  

John Kruk: Terrified of numbers of all kinds

I have to admit, Krukie's BBTN analysis has improved over the years.  He used to say stuff like this and this.  Lately he's a lot less offensive and has even learned to read a teleprompter.  Good for him.  Tonight, though, he put together a little mini rant that I found both amusing and illuminating.  Amusing because let's face it, it's always funny when a fat idiot gets worked up about something, and illuminating because it showed that ex-player neanderthals like him who hate advanced stats also hate any other numerical information that's not batting average/number of pitching wins.  In other words Kruk showed that the universe of stuff he'd rather not understand is a lot larger than I previously thought it was.

ESPN occasionally does these little Sport Science bits; they're actually not a huge waste of time.  They dumb down the physics behind awesome stuff that athletes do and then present their analysis with some cool-looking production.  Here's how much force LeBron generates when he jumps to dunk, here's the amount of torque Tiger Woods generates when he swings, etc.  It's like a video version of a USA Today infographic.  Early this evening on BBTN they did one about this Justin Sellers catch.  The narrator (who is not one of the anchors; it's a pre-recorded bit) described the amount of time Sellers spent looking at the ball to judge its trajectory, the "optimal acceleration cancellation" his brain used to create a vectored route that would intersect with the ball's trajectory, the speed at which he was running when he tumbled into the stands (19 mph), and the force of impact he made with the wall (somehow equivalent to being hit by a car going 20 rather than 19 mph).  It was reasonably entertaining.  And when it was over, we were taken back to the studio to get Kruk and Karl Ravech's thoughts.  Take it away, Larry B's DVR.

Sport Science narrator, wrapping things up:  Sellers manages to hold onto the ball after tumbling into the stands, and grab our play of the week.  


KR: I love it.  I love what I just saw.  I love that stuff.  There he is.  He basically caught the ball, got hit by a car, and held onto it.


JK:  At twenty miles per hour.


[graphic on screen: Most defensive runs saved by Dodgers in 2012.  Sellers is second on the team with 4 in just 90 innings in the field.]


KR:  At twenty miles per hour.  That's Justin Sellers there, Jerry Hairston Junior, as far as the Dodgers go... (obviously trolling Kruk) Krukie, what part of that resonates with you?  Was it the optimal acceleration cancellation?  


JK (sarcastically):  That was... that was where I really got into it.  (pause)  Karl.


KR (chuckling):  What.


JK:  My optical illusions told me when I watched that play that it was a great play.  I don't need science to tell me that was a great play.  I don't.  I don't care how long his eyes were on the ball.  I don't care if a car going FIFTY miles per hour hit him.


KR:  Yeah, well, that was-


JK:  He made a great play.  I didn't need science to tell me that.


KR:  Well, it allows to just-


JK (exasperated):  Sometimes, let's just use our eyes.  Let's just use our eyes!


KR:  So... you don't want to know HOW great a play it was.


JK  (still exasperated):  No.  I know how great a play it was!  It was very difficult!


KR:  He caught it.  Got hit by a car.  And held onto it.


JK: (exhales audibly)  I feel like I got hit by a car.

What's the best part of that?  Him pleading with us to "just use our eyes," as if one could enjoy Sellers' play by knowing the Sport Science facts but without actually have seen the catch?  "My optical illusions?"  Ravech unashamedly setting Kruk up for a rant against an in-house production piece?  Pretty fun.  I also enjoyed their signoff about 30 minutes later, before Sunday Night Baseball began, in which Karl awkwardly announced that they'd be back for more Baseball Tonight after the game in part because he didn't think he and Kruk had done anything to get fired during the show.  Great stuff.

Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter DEREK JETER JETERJETERJETERJETER!!!!!!

He's been in the news lately I guess. The best part about it (by which I mean the only non-stupid part about it) is that everyone has something to say about him, and they're all wrong. Join me for a brief tour of all opinions unsupportable, inane, or both.

Zilcharoo blogger 'Duk from Blig League Stew has some thoughts about whether or not Jeter should play in the All Star Game.

But considering Jeter has been healthy enough to play each game since returning from his rehab stint, I don't think it's asking too much of Jeter to put in some face time, both for the good of the sport and to thank his fans.

Yeah, I know, right? I mean, he's been healthy for five whole games. What a vajayjay. Don't worry about your rehab, dude. Truck yourself off to Arizona and smile for the cameras. Not that it isn't a little weak for him to bail on the game- but seriously, the fact the he's been healthy for about a week is a good reason to fly six hours for an exhibition game? Better arguments could have been made, people. BETTER ARGUMENTS. Chris forwarded me that article, and my snarky response was "Nah, if he skips the game, it'll be a move of pure class." Little did I know how right I unintentionally was (according to some).

"Derek Jeter is as great an ambassador for this game as we've seen in a long time," Weiner said.

That's players' union chief Michael Weiner. Hehehehe. Weiner.

"I don't think anybody can really question Derek's commitment to the game or, frankly, to being an All-Star."

Well the thing is, you can. He's not going to the ASG. Therefore he's not really committed to it. I don't blame him for his decision. I don't think it was wrong. But it shows that he's not committed to it. Also, how has he been "as great an ambassador" as anyone has seen in a long time? Is he super involved in charity work? If he is, he's doing it under the radar. The Google indicates that he's no more involved than the average star (and a lot less involved than many). By being a super popular player on a super popular team? If that's the case, then why doesn't anyone call Fish Fillet-Rod a great ambassador? Maybe it's because Jeter bangs lots of hot, famous women. Nope, that doesn't seem like enough. Well he's never been arrested in the aftermath of a bar brawl. Gotta hand him that.

Long story short, he's just your average run-of-the-mill Hall of Famer (and I don't say that as a backhanded compliment). He's played somewhere from good to amazing for about fifteen years. He's got rings. He's super popular. But he hasn't done anything more than the other 50 or so superduperstars with whom his career has overlapped. Why does he get this praise? Why? Whatever the reason is, I'm sure it has something to do with classy classiness, something I've heard Jeter has in spades even though no one can explain what that means or why he gets the label with any level of clarity.

Well in any case I'm sure baseball commissioner Bud "face like a catcher's mitt" Selig can bring some sanity to this fracas.

"There isn't a player I'm more proud of in the last 15 years than Derek Jeter," Selig said. "He has played the game the way it should be played, and he's been a better human being off the field."

What the fuck is Bud alluding to? Is Jeter secretly pulling off Clemente-esque feats of amazing generosity and somehow not being recognized for them? He's obviously a great player. IN WHAT DISCERNABLE WAY IS HE A GREAT HUMAN BEING, OR ANY GREATER A HUMAN BEING THAN ROY HALLADAY OR ALBERT PUJOLS OR DAVID ORTIZ?????? It's insane. He is immediately given full credit for being the second coming of Gandhi regardless of what he does. At this point he could go all OJ and murder his wife and a waiter in cold blood, and people would be like "See, that's just pure class right there. Pure class. Those two had it coming." It fucking boggles my mind. I can't get past it.

Maybe it is all the famous/hot women he's banged. And if FireJay was Barstool Sports, this is where we'd have links to Maxim photoshoots of all of them.

But the Phillies Have the Grit Factor!

This article, by someone named Cormac Gordon, isn't anything interesting. It praises the quality of this year's World Series because the teams are good or something. Here's the highlight:

Charlie Manuel’s club was first in the NL in runs, home runs, RBI and slugging percentage.

Well that's nice to know.

And starters Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Pedro Martinez are as capable as any rotation in baseball of throwing back-to-back-to-back shutouts.

This is stupid. If Pedro Martinez, who averaged less than 5 innings per start this season, throws a shutout, I will.... print a retraction on this blog for calling you an idiot, Bernie Augustine.

Plus, they have the grit factor.

Who cares! Now this post has the grit factor:
“We have players who like to play, and pitchers who like to pitch,” Manuel likes to say of his group.

Job satisfaction on the Phillies is apparently 100%. Now if only the Reds would hire some players who like to play!

No wonder the Cubs lost this year. They hired Milton Bradley, who does not like to play.

Jerry Crasnick's "Sources" are Usually Idiots

Does he choose these miserable quotes intentionally? His "Starting 9" columns in and of themselves have been getting better over the last couple of years (probably because he stopped choosing topics like "best bunters" and "best players under 5'6"), but man, the people he quotes to reinforce his choices continue to sound like a bunch of tards. This installment of the column is about guys who are having underappreciatedly awesome seasons. I agree with most of the picks, but check out what some knowledgeable "baseball people" had to say about them.

Re: Ben Zobrist

Some people in Tampa have noticed that when Zobrist completes his swing from the left side, he has a follow-through similar to Ted Williams'. We kid you not.

Wow. First of all, why is Jerry channeling the first person plural douchebaggery of Will Leitch? Second of all- comparing the swing of a Hall of Famer to that of [player X] is just about the most useless, subjective, anecdotal way to hype up [player X]. Don't do it. Ever.

Re: Russell Branyan

"After Russell was out there for seven to 10 days this spring, Don told me, 'This guy has a good swing. How the heck does he strike out so much?'" Zduriencik said.

The "Don" quoted there is Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu. As in, a guy who gets paid good money to make decisions about baseball players. And somehow he can't seem to figure out (or allegedly can't seem to figure out) why this player has struck out in more than 40% of his career at bats. Hmmm. Here are a couple suggestions: 1) He's a big guy so he probably has a very long swing, and 2) he probably swings at a lot of terrible pitches, and 3) he might not have a very good eye. But don't mind me, I'm just camped down here in my mother's basement, avoiding girls and sunlight and lobbing steroid accusations at Raul Ibanez.

"He's sustained it for this length of time, and I believe it's going to continue. I don't see anything fluke-ish about it."

Referring to his great season so far? You don't see anything fluke-ish about a guy with a career .237 BA in more than 2500 PAs hitting .308 over the course of a couple months, at age 33? Interesting. Enjoy the ride, M's fans.

Re: Jason Bartlett

The Tampa Bay chapter of the Baseball Writers Association named Bartlett the team's MVP last season after he posted a .690 OPS, so that gives you an idea what he means defensively to the Rays.

What. A. Bunch. Of. Dickheads.

"He's my favorite player on that club because he does something different every day to beat you," an NL scout said.

Interesting. If I were a scout, my favorite Ray would be Evan Longoria, because he's fucking awesome at everything. But I guess Bartlett is OK too.

Re: Marco Scutaro

"He's another example of how the real baseball players have caught up with the cheaters as they've detoxified," an NL scout said, only half in jest.

I hope he was saying it fully in jest, because if he was saying it even 1% seriously, he should be stripped of his job and shot into deep space. Scutaro is slugging .429 this year- and he's never cleared .400 for a full season in his career before.

Ryan Madson, speaking re: Ryan Madson

"When you have success like that, you come to believe in yourself," Madson said. "I can't give enough credit to pitching in the playoffs and World Series and the confidence it gave me. I feel more in control, more calm and focused out there now."

Kind of sounds like he's making a sales pitch for an anti-depressant.

Re: Mark Reynolds

"I give him a lot of credit," Arizona GM Josh Byrnes said. "Everybody focuses on the strikeouts, but he plays good defense,

By any measure, from ones as simple as errors (34 last year) or fielding percentage (just a hair over .900) to ones as complex as total fielding runs above average (-7.0), Reynolds is a complete butcher in the field.

he runs the bases

You cannot play a non-pitching position for a baseball team without doing this.

and he's one of our toughest players.

Watch out, Eckstein. It's great that you're playing for the Padres now, but there's a new gritty grinder in the NL West.

He does a lot of things to help us win."

Please don't include his defense or his ability to run the bases amongst those things.

New* Generation* of Baseball Stars* Emerging*

First of all, let me VWOOP! say that as I type this VWOOP! Chris Berman VWOOP! is hosting SportsCenter and he is a VWOOP! motherfucking embarrassment. That's all there is to say about that. Oh, except for: THE-UHHHHHHHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIDAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Moving on.

The title of this post is the actual title of this article by Richard Justice about some MLB players who are off to hot starts this season. Why the asterisks? Well, I don't want to get too bogged down in legal technicalities, but that title needs some clarification. For example, some of the players named in the article aren't "new" to the league at all. (I know "new" is modifying "generation" and not necessarily the individual players, but bear with me. Just this one time.) They certainly, as a whole, do not constitute a "generation." Many of them are not "stars," and never will be. And some aren't "emerging" at all- they either have already emerged or simply are not doing anything that could be construed as an emergence.

They all do play baseball, though, so I didn't have to put an asterisk by that. Which is good.

Maybe you haven't heard of Aaron Hill. You will, though. Trust us on this one. Likewise, you'll soon know all about Zack Greinke, Nyjer Morgan, Nelson Cruz, Joey Votto, Heath Bell and Brandon Inge.

So if you're a baseball fan, you should already be able to tell why I used those asterisks up there.
This baseball season is interesting, not just because the Royals, Tigers, Mariners and Marlins are in first place,

Well, of course- I know my heart is still going a mile a minute because of the emergence of those plucky Royals.

not just because the Pirates and Padres are hanging in there,

Thrills abound in the NL West! (For clarification, I'm not some kind of Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs loving asshole. My favorite team actually happens to play in the NL West. I just have to point out, it's not exactly the most compelling division even with the Padres not starting to suck just yet.)

but because all over baseball, a new generation of stars is emerging.

Well sure. Evan Longoria, Carlos Quentin, and Jay Bruce are all having great years so far. And you've gotta like what Yovani Gallardo and Chad Billingsley have been doing.

Sure, Albert Pujols is still doing amazing things.

Who?

So is Kevin Youkilis and Johan Santana and Roy Halladay and a lot of familiar names.

We've got a subject/verb agreement problem there. But sure, that's true.

What would life be without a Red Sox-Yankees series meaning something?

You just named a Cardinal, a Red Sock, a Met, and a Blue Jay. The fuck is this sentence doing here?

Let's run down some of the people that are doing great things in the first month of a new season.

First, Aaron Hill. He does things at second base that will remind you of Roberto Alomar, meaning his glove work can occasionally take your breath away.

He also leads the major league in hits

After 20some games.

and is one of several reasons the Toronto Blue Jays are in first place in the American League East. Teammates Ricky Romero and Jason Frasor are on that list, too.

OK, Richard's first choice: Aaron Hill. Great. Let's break down young Mr. Hill's credentials. He's now 27, which means he should have entered his offensive prime last season or so. He has a career OPS+ of.... 100. He is, by that standard, an exactly average hitter. He has also hit 34 career home runs in more than 2000 career plate appearances. Hmmm. If you put a lot of stock in fielding metrics, he's a little above average as a second baseman in range factor/9 innings for his career. He's at 5.02- the league over that period of time is at 4.95. So he makes an extra putout or assist over the average second baseman every 15 games or so. Nothing to sneeze at, and perhaps he does have a penchant for the highlight-reel play, but he's not exactly the second coming of Ozzie Smith (at second base) either.

My analysis? Maybe new, not a star, probably not emerging unless he's a late bloomer. We're off to a great start.

The Blue Jays were only going to go as far as their young pitchers took them, and so far, Romero and Frasor are a combined 5-0, but Romero was placed on the 15-day disabled list this week.

Therefore, Aaron Hill is somehow an emerging star.

Hill was Toronto's first-round pick in 2003, was in the big leagues for good in 2005. He moved from short to second when Orlando Hudson was traded

And because he was not a very good defensive shortstop.

and has gotten better and better.

Yes, as most athletes tend to do in their mid twenties. Those who do not usually find themselves selling insurance by age 30.

He missed 107 games last season after suffering a concussion in a collision with David Eckstein.

Goodness! I'm surprised Eckstein's hustle and grit didn't decapitate Hill upon impact! I hear running into Eckstein is like driving a car at 90 mph into a 4 foot high wall of solid concrete. With spikes sticking out of it. While Darin Erstad lobs grenades at you.

He's back now. Boy is he back.

And having a great 20 game stretch.

The Blue Jays are a model organization in some ways. That is, they're forced to build through player development because they don't have the resources to spring for the big-ticket free agents.

Probably because they wasted $52 million on B.J. "Exploding Elbow" Ryan a few years back.

When teams do it this way, even when their scouts are making good decisions, there can be frustration among fans because fans want everything done yesterday.

That sentence reads like it was translated into Finnish and then translated back.

Once the talent pipeline starts flowing, teams like the Blue Jays — and the Marlins — have a chance to remain in contention for a long time.

As long as they can retain their homegrown stars, like Roy Halladay. (Coming soon to a Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, or Boston-based team near you!) Which they usually can't. But good for them for inking up Vernon Wells I guess. Enjoy paying him $18 million a year for $5 to $10 million a year's worth of production until 2014, Toronto.

Nice going, Blue Jays.

Here's an ice cream cone and a firm pat on the ass.

Now about Zack Greinke.

You need a verb.

You probably have a vague recollection of him somewhere in the back of your mind.

You remember he was a top prospect that couldn't cut it and briefly gave up on baseball.

Yes, it does seem like he has been around forever. He was the sixth pick of the 2002 draft and in the big leagues two years later at the ripe old age of 20. He was going to be the next great thing.

His story is really complicated. Somewhere on the road to Cooperstown, he came undone. He walked away, saying it was no longer fun.

Listen, I don't want to rip a guy who had a serious mental illness, but listen to this interview from a couple years ago and try not to laugh at Zach the dipshit. If ever there was a pinhead simpleton idiot... it's probably him. His ability to have a conversation is unrelated to his ability to play baseball, of course. I just think the link is worth sharing. Seriously, pop in your headphones and take a few minutes to listen to it. Wow. Wow. Wow.

In any case, this is probably Richard's best pick. My analysis- not new, but probably going to be a "star" of some kind, definitely emerging. Two out of three ain't bad. Especially when you have trouble with the idea that you have to use "are" when your sentence contains multiple subjects.

The Royals have built from the ground up as well and they're drawing big crowds at home and there's a feeling that a franchise has been reborn this season.

As Richard would say: Nice going, Royals. (end analysis)

Joey Votto is also only 25 years old. He was also a high draft pick in 2002. He needed five years to get to the big leagues. He's a big, strapping kid that is hitting .358 and driving in runs.

When the Big Red Machine is fully back in business, he'll be a household name.

Another decent choice- probably new, maybe going to be a star (but slugging first basemen aren't exactly hard to find), probably emerging. Let's move past this and get to the crap.

Nyjer Morgan plays center field for the Pirates. He's 28 years old, but playing regularly for the first time.

Hmmmmmmmm. This is like being single in your mid twenties and having a friend say "Hey, I know this great chick I'm going to set you up with. She happens to be 34 and has a kid-" And then you kind of just stop listening and tune the friend out. If you haven't played regularly before age 28, there is a 99% change that it's because you suck.

He leads the NL in triples

You know how the saying goes- if you're leading the league in triples in early May... well, you probably have like three triples.

OK, scratch that, I just checked. He has two.

and stolen bases and is hitting .319.

The day this article was written, last Monday, Dexter Folwer stole almost as many bases (5) as Morgan has all season (6). Oh, and his average his since dropped to .309.

He's one of those guys your kids will want to be like.

You mean a professional baseball player? True, I guess. Same for anyone else in this article though.

To see him run the bases is to take a memory home from the ballpark.

Ah- the piece of human poetry that is Nyjer Morgan. You suck, Richard. Nyjer Morgan: perhaps new, but never ever ever going to be a star and most definitely not emerging.

Sometimes, you just have to give a guy a chance. That's the lesson of Heath Bell, who at 31 leads the major leagues with seven saves.

Segue! That's why this guy gets paid the big bucks.

He was drafted by the Mets, traded to the Padres and worked anonymously in both bullpens for most of the last five seasons.

Yeah, about that- in San Diego, prior to this season, he was a dominant setup guy who usually worked the 8th inning in front of a first ballot hall of famer. I really don't think you can accuse the Padres of "not giving him a chance" until now. Although I will concede that the Mets might have given up on him a little early. On the other hand, during his last season with them (2006), he allowed 51 hits and 6 home runs in 37 innings.

The Padres bumped him from the eighth to the ninth inning after Trevor Hoffman's departure. He has been in eight games this season and has yet to allow a run.

But does he make you leave the ballpark with a smile? Is he Nyjer Morgan? My analysis- not new, not going to be much of a star, maybe emerging as a solid closer.

Nelson Cruz was also seen as a guy not ready for primetime. He was a part-time player with both the Brewers and Rangers.

He recorded five career at bats with the Brewers. And he OPSed under .700 during both 2006 and 2007 with the Rangers. I think they were pretty justified at that time in not seeing him as "ready for primetime."

This season the Rangers have put him in right field and seen a very solid major league player emerge. He's hitting .277 with six home runs already on a team that believes it will contend in the American League West.

Well, there are only three other teams in the division and none of them are that good. Way to be, Rangers. Way to dream. Cruz is 28 years old, has had one good season in which he recorded 115 ABs, and is playing in an amazing lineup in one of the best hitters' parks in baseball. I'm unmoved. My analysis- probably new, probably not going to be a star, probably not emerging.

Haven't the Detroit Tigers tried to get rid of Brandon Inge about a dozen times the last few years?

Why were they unsucessful? Probably because he's not that good.

Don't they give his job to someone else.

Fuck, man- just reread your shit ONE TIME before you submit it for publication. You'll probably catch stuff like this.

He has moved all over the field, too.

Yes, because he's not a good enough hitter to secure a full time starting spot at any one position.

He's playing third base this year, playing it well and is helping the Tigers hang onto a share of first place in the American League Central. His .322 batting average is 84 points above his career average.

And he's only 32 years young, with a mere 3700 plate appearances under his belt! I'm fairly confident he will continue to hit 84 points above his average for the rest of the season. Looks like he finally figured out major league pitching.

Maybe he won't stay at .322,

I'll eat a hat if he does.

but he has made April more interesting.

Oh yeah, here we go, here comes the trifecta. Brandon Inge: not new, nowhere close to being a star, and almost certainly not emerging. Awwwwwwwesome.

April is for dreamers.

And for a few mediocre-to-crappy players to have hot starts and get dumb articles like this one written about them.

Just ask the Royals and Mariners and Marlins.

Thanks for tying it all back together, Richard. I feel like I just collided with David Eckstein while watching Nyjer Morgan run the bases.

Kyle Orton = Winner, Jay Cutler = Loser, Clark Judge = Dipshit

In the words of Chris W, nothing makes a "solid leader" out of a shitty QB like a sportswriter with an axe to grind.

This is my take on the Chicago Bear's deal for Jay Cutler: They were better off with Kyle Orton.

This is Clark's way of explaining that he's dumb, in much the same way Skip Bayless is dumb. So dumb, and so forward with ridiculous opinions, that you almost have to believe he's fully conscious of the fact that he's being a moron and is just doing so in order to get attention from blogs like this.

You heard me.

We read you.

Orton can't throw the ball as far or as straight as Cutler, and you won't find anyone drooling over the velocity of his passes. But he has something Cutler does not, and that's a high score in the leadership department -- and, sorry, but I'll take that over physical ability any day.

Hey, you can't prove this wrong, can you? Even though Cutler was generally well-received by his teammates, there is nothing you can produce for Clark which will prove to him that Orton ISN'T a better leader than Cutler. Therefore, bad trade for the Bears. QED. Also, Scott Brosius has more World Series rings than Alex Rodriguez. Clark will take Scott as his third baseman any day.

As a rookie, he led the Bears to a 10-4 record -- including an eight-game winning streak -- before Rex Grossman returned.

Orton that year (2005): 52% completion rate, 9 TDs, 13 INTs, 59.7 QB rating. Bears defense that year: 2nd in the NFL in yards allowed per game (282), 1st by a mile in points allowed per game (12.6, Indianapolis was second at 15.4). That eight game winning streak? All Kyle.

A year ago, he was back as a starter and was there for critical late-season overtime defeats of New Orleans and Green Bay.

He was there! He was on the field! Give him the MVP trohpy already! Against New Orleans: 24 for 40, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 49.2 QB rating. Against Green Bay: 14 for 27, 1 TD, 2 INTs, 48.7 QB rating. No way would Cutler grit out a couple of leadershippy performances like those.

OK, so the Bears didn't make the playoffs but don't blame Orton. Blame Chicago's 21st-ranked defense, a unit that blew three 10-point leads and self-immolated in a last-second loss to Atlanta.

But later, when pointing out that Cutler has never been to the playoffs, he'll be sure to not mention Denver's 28th-ranked (2007) and 30th-ranked (2008) defenses in his two full seasons as a starter.

At the NFL winter meetings last month, Chicago coach Lovie Smith said the Bears were a running team that had to play good defense, and no one disagreed.

And furthermore, everyone agreed: if you have a chance to add a 25 year old Pro Bowl QB for a pretty reasonable cost, for God's sakes, don't do it!

So what's a running team doing acquiring a quarterback who can throw the ball the length of Michigan Avenue? You tell me, because I think the Bears were better off with Orton.

Why would you want a quarterback who can throw far? The forward pass has been illegal since 1958!

He fit their personality.

Always a good reason to not trade away a guy with a career passer rating that barely cracks 70.

He wasn't flashy, but he was effective

False.

before suffering an ankle injury.

Oh, well he doesn't sound very tough then.

He was tough.

What about the ankle injury and subsequent ineffectiveness???

He was gritty.

He and David Eckstein regularly had grit contests. Orton won 8 times out of 10.

And he won.

And the Bears won while he was on the field. In spite of his play.

Look it up: His record as a starter is 21–12, not bad for someone critics portray as the NFL's version of the Venus De Milo.

I don't get it. Critics think he's beautiful?

Cutler is 17-20, never made the playoffs and never had a winning season.

And remember, this is all his fault. No one else's. Just his. Maybe if he didn't blow so hard the Broncos wouldn't have given up nearly 30 points a game last year.

So the Bears trade away Orton and three draft picks and, sorry, Chicago, your team just got fleeced.

As a Bronco fan, let me tell you- we're laughing all the way to the bank!

You need offensive linemen. You need receivers.

And now that you've acquired a Pro Bowl QB with a very reasonable contract, there's no way you'll be able to attact either.

You need a defense that must play better.

You need a defense which plays better + Your defense must play better + not proofreading = that sentence.

Yet you just traded away the first round for a couple of years for a guy who throws a pretty pass and can't play .500 football in the AFC West.

Cutler can't even play defensive tackle, linebacker or safety. What a puss.

Tell me Chicago knows what it's doing.

It does/they do.

Smith had it right when he said you win in Chicago by running the ball and playing solid defense. The 1985 Bears had Walter Payton, a lights-out defense and Jim McMahon at quarterback.

There are no other ways to construct a winning team.

McMahon was tough, gritty and capable of big plays when you needed them, but he was hardly the second coming of Sid Luckman. He was perfect for that team because he epitomized its personality -- which was tough, gritty -- yeah, I think you get the idea.

As long as the idea is that you're a complete tard, yeah, I do.

Anyway, the Bears have to be that way because when it's November and December on Lake Shore Drive you don't win by having Jay Cutler throw the ball into 40 mph winds. You win by running, locking down your opponents and avoiding mistakes.

You win by having Kyle Orton throw the ball into 40 mph winds. Clearly a better recipe for success- just look at his record as a starter. Also, too bad the Bears traded Matt Forte for Cutler. Now they won't be able to run the ball anymore.

Anyone have any idea how many interceptions Cutler launched last year?

I'll bet you do!

I do.

Hooray!

It was 18, and only Brett Favre had more.

18 INTs in 618 attempts = a pick on 2.9% of all throws. Orton's 12 INTs in 465 attempts = a pick on 2.6% of all throws.

Then there's the matter of what Chicago gave up -- two first-rounders, a third-rounder and Orton. Are you kidding me? So Cutler was a Pro Bowl quarterback. Big deal. DeAngelo Williams wasn't elected to the team, which should tell you about the credibility of the honor.

One guy got snubbed from the Pro Bowl- therefore, Jay Cutler sucks.

I won't argue that Cutler is one of the most talented quarterbacks in today's game,

It sounds like you are doing just that. Talking about all his interceptions, etc.

but I also won't argue that he's one of the most spoiled prima donnas, either.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING!

All you need to know about this guy is that he once said he had "a stronger arm than John [Elway], hands down" and that "he'd bet on it against anybody's in the league" -- as if that somehow measured his greatness.

People in Chicago hate athletes with bravado.

First of all, I don't know that he has a stronger arm than Elway. I don't know that anyone does. Second, Elway made a name for himself not with his arm but with wins and fourth-quarter comebacks. In his second year, Elway went 13-3 and won the AFC West. In his third year, he was 11-5. And in his fourth, he was in the Super Bowl. That's how you measure quarterbacks, Cutler, not by arm strength.

Take that, Jay Cutler- you just got a stern talking to from a shitheaded lummox of a non-name sportswriter.

Third, let's say you buy into Cutler as a franchise quarterback. OK, fine. So where's his franchise wide receiver? Devin Hester? Please. Earl Bennett? You've got to be kidding. There isn't one.

And there is no way whatsoever the Bears could acquire one during Cutler's time in Chicago- none. Can't be done. Plus, as the Patriots' Super Bowl teams showed, it's absolutely essential to have a big name WR if you want to win it all.

Which is why I would have much rather seen the Bears hang on to the draft picks and invest them in something more worthwhile -- like an offensive tackle and cornerback -- or two offensive tackles -- or an offensive tackle and a wide receiver.

All clearly more worthwhile than a 25 year old Pro Bowl QB with a great contract.

I imagine they'll find them anyway,

OK... what?

but they just mortgaged the future for a quarterback who, when faced with winning only one of his last three starts last season, couldn't close the deal.

Points allowed by Denver in those 3 games: 30, 30, 52. Two of them on the road against playoff teams.

Now he's going to magically transform the Bears into a division champion all over again when he couldn't do it with Mike Shanahan in the AFC West?

Yeah, probably. Wouldn't surprise me. Maybe not in 2009, but definitely soon.

There's a better chance of Terrell Owens serving as grand marshal at the next Mummers Parade.

Hey-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[three paragraphs of idiocy omitted]

I just don't see how he fits in Chicago, and I don't see why the Bears decided to dump their first round -- as well as their quarterback -- for someone who has done nothing in three years.

Done nothing except be a very good NFL quarterback who is blossoming into a great one.

Good luck, Chicago. You wanted him. You have him. Now let's see you win with him.

When they do, I expect you to print an apology and then quit. Probably won't happen.

A Very, Angry, Stupid, Boring, Statistical, Analytical, Don't-Even-Readal, Skip-Over-This-To-Other-More-Interesting-Thingsal Quickie

Richard Justice wrote an article explaining why the Yankees are still the third best team in the AL East (probably true). But I can't quite let things like this slide.....

Tampa Bay's outfield of Carl Crawford, B.J. Upton and Joyce might just be the best in baseball.

That is just plain fucking batshit crazy. I mean, defensively, sure. But plain ol' best?

The Yankees? How does an outfield of Xavier Nady, Brett Gardner and Johnny Damon ring your chime?

Not impressed? Didn't think so. Boston's is also better: Jason Bay, Jacoby Ellsbury, J.D. Drew.

You couldn't even go two paragraphs without naming a better outfield. But go ahead, you can keep Carl Crawford and his .318 OBP from last season (he's VERRRRRRRRRY overrated, folks!). And we don't have a clue what the fuck Matt Joyce is yet, but he's already part of the best outfield in baseball? Do you hear yourself talk?

It's also awesome to say things like this when guys like Adam Dunn, Pat Burrell, and Manny Ramirez haven't even been placed on teams yet.

Yet we've learned the last few years that chemistry and grit are as important as pure talent.

This is why it's been so hard to keep the Pittsburgh Pirates down.

This is why grit superstars Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard can with the World Series while chemistry stud Jimmy Rollins single-handedly denounces the entire phucking Philadelphia phan base.

This is why the White Sox edged out the Twins, because of gritty performances by key grit guys like Paul Konerko, Ken Griffey Jr, and Jim Thome. The supreme talent of Minnesota's Nick Punto, Carlos Gomez, and Alexei Casilla was no match for good ol' fashioned "grit", a word that as far as I can tell just means "trying his or her hardest", which 97% of the league does. Shut the fuck up, Richard Justice.

The Rays and Red Sox have a clubhouse chemistry that is impossible to overestimate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, for the first time in the history of the universe.....THE IMPOSSIBLE!

They've got managers — Maddon and Terry Francona — brilliant at making the pieces fit and keeping the club headed in the right direction.

Talent, of course, is important, too, but in this era of parity, it's tougher and tougher to buy a championship.

Right, talent is important, too. You know, kind of like an afterthought.

The Yankees have spent more on payroll than any other team for several years. They haven't gotten out of the first round of the playoffs since 2004, haven't been to the World Series since 2003, haven't won a championship since 2000.

They tried buying a championship with Jason Giambi, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, etc. Never mind that chemistry and toughness were a huge part of how they won four World Series under Joe Torre.

Look guys, now we're trying to show chemistry's triumph over talent by using Jaret Wright as an example of "talent"!

Oh yeah, and that Carl Pavano......he totally played baseball the entire time he was on the team! And he played it every 5th day, with the highest level of talent. But he was no match for the chemistry of the opposing (Carl Pavano never got injured) hitters!

Jaret Wright sucks.

There Is Something Fundamentally Wrong With America

This post started as an attempt to debunk Dustin Pedroia's AL MVP candidacy. Because he plays for the Red Sox, and I hate short white people (because I am a quasi-tall white person), and blah blah blah. Disappointingly, however, my extensive research revealed that he would be an OK choice for the award. Maybe not the best choice, mind you; but a decent choice. And now that Carlos Quentin is hurt, possibly the best choice from a playoff bound team. But anyways, that was how this post started.

How did it finish? With me realizing that many baseball writers, players, and fans in this country have a problem. A problem that infuriates the likes of me. They simply can't acknowledge that some players are MVP candidates because they are good at the fundamental parts of baseball- hitting, pitching, and fielding. They can't do it. That would be too simple/boring/unfulfilling. Instead, they have to resort to the kind of bullshit that fills up the vast majority of this article.

The Dustin Pedroia-for-MVP bandwagon continues to fill up, with comments over the weekend by Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen providing a big push in momentum.

It's true, sometimes sound bites have an impact on these races. Jimmy Rollins pretty much won the 2007 NL MVP by making his famous division-winning guarantee. A little bit different, because that sound bite came straight from the player's mouth, but you know what I mean.

Guillen went on and on about the Red Sox second baseman, saying:

What's he going to say? That Pedroia's OPSing almost 1.000 since June 1st? That he's got a WARP1 of 8.6 and an EqA of .301? OK, it's probably unfair to expect Ozzie to delve deeply into this kind of analysis. However, did he really have to say-

“I’m a big fan. I love the way he plays. If 90 percent of the players played the way he does, I would pay for a ticket to watch baseball. The way he plays, this kid, that’s the way people should be playing every day.”

What. The fuck. Are you talking about. I guess if I had to cull that sentence down to something slightly less confusing, it would be: he plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Fantastic. There's your MVP, right there.

Suddenly the chants of “MVP, MVP,” heard at Fenway and from Sox fans on the road seems like more than just cheerleading. The possibility of Pedroia actually winning the award seems more and more real.

Like I already said, I guess so. Too bad. Tragic for the likes of me, but certainly fair to say.

“I told him that I’m going to paint an ‘S’ on his chest,” Sox outfielder Mark Kotsay said.

More strange than annoying.

Pedroia’s opponents likely wouldn’t argue with the Superman analogy.

“I think it’s well deserved, I think he can win it,” Baltimore first baseman Kevin Millar said of the MVP possibility.

Please elaborate.

“I think he’s a hell of a ballplayer. He plays bigger than he is.

And this was the point where I started to realize: we have a problem. We can't just say that guys are good. We have to talk about meaningless bullshit. We can't stay away from it. We need the Ecksteins, we need the Erstads. Even when a player is legitimately great, we have to find ways to turn it into feely-good shitpie.

He plays Gold Glove defense.

Points for trying.

He does everything you can ask anyone to do on the baseball field.

Who, besides maybe Milton Bradley or Carl "Jurassic" Everett, doesn't fit that description? How many guys are in the Major Leagues, among the top .00001% of baseball players in the whole world, and don't do everything asked of them? This is useless. Tell me something about how good he is at baseball.

Pitcher Paul Byrd has been dazzled by Pedroia during his brief time with the Sox. “This guy in my opinion is the MVP of the league,” Byrd said.

Because...

“He’s unbelievable. I didn’t know he was that good when I came over here. The guy plays hard, he dives, he plays great defense.

He plays hard. He dives. Stupendous. He hits the ball too, you know. He bats. Usually four or five times a game. And he's pretty good at it.

I feel like I’ve got two guys playing second base.

I wanted to make a joke about a baseball player with multiple personality syndrome here, but I couldn't think of any. Wrong sport, but Herschel Walker, anyone? Too soon?

“He gets the big hit when it counts. (He is a) clutch player.

His 2008 OPS with 2 ours and RISP: .689. (He has been extremely good in "late and close" sitiations, for what it's worth.)

I just can’t say enough about him.

Maybe if you keep going, you'll say something substantive.

As he goes, we go.”

You forgot to point out that he plays larger than he is.

For teammate Alex Cora, that’s what drives Pedroia and best defines his quality as a player: Everything he does is aimed at helping the team win.

That selfish A-Rod never does anything like that. Not even Jimmy Rollins is that unselfish. In fact, you might be surprised to learn this, but the vast majority of baseball players don't give a shit whether or not their teams win. They're just out there, collecting paychecks and scanning the crowd for floozies. (Especially if they are taller than 5'10" and/or not white.)

“The bottom line is he shows up every day and plays,” Cora said.

Grady Sizemore rarely makes it to the ballpark anymore these days. Even when he does, he usually just sits in the clubhouse and plays with a Rubiks Cube.

“He doesn’t care how many hits he gets. All he wants to do is anything he can to make a difference and help us win a game.”

Probably the best way for him to do that: get hits.

“You thought Roberto Alomar was an MVP-type of player?” Cora said of the former Blue Jays star, who received MVP votes in seven seasons.

Is... is that rhetorical? Are you asking the interviewer, or the reader?

“That’s what were talking about right here. What we saw when Robbie was in Toronto, that’s what we’re seeing here from Pedroia. Same type of player.

This is another one of the disappointing parts of the article. I was going to blow this assertion out of the water. Then I looked up the numbers, and... yeah, it's a mildly fair comparison. Not quite the same player, but close. Alomar was generally better in his near-MVP seasons, but not by enough of a degree to make me make a big deal out of it. Crap. Well, let me get back to making delicious ballpark lemon Squishys (tm) out of lemons.

“But you know what? If you ask him, would he trade this MVP talk for us being in first place right now in the East and all set for the playoffs, that’s what he’d want.

On the other hand, if you told Cliff Lee (who leads the AL in WARP1, for what it's worth) that he could either have the MVP or a playoff berth, I think it's totally obvious he would opt for the former. Playoffs? Who the fuck wants to go to the playoffs?

Winning, that’s all that important to him.”

Not like that self-important guy playing 3rd base for the Yankees. No sir. SOMEONE TALK ABOUT HIS HITTING, PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK- HE'S A GOOD HITTER.

Yeah, but he better get used to the MVP chants. They aren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Since the article ends on this point and I haven't done so yet, this is where I have to make fun of the no-name staff writer for a no-name publication who wrote this article. Nice conclusion, asshole. I hope the Boston Herald fires you and you have to go back to writing for a shitty blog like this one. You stink. Here's my slightly less awful conclusion:

Dear America,

Really, I promise it's OK to praise a short, white baseball player for being good at baseball. You don't just have to say he plays hard, or always has dirt on his uniform, or would kill a man with a butter knife just for the chance to lay down a sacrifice bunt. You can just say: hey, he's a good hitter. It's not that fucking hard.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Unfunny Parents' Basement Guy

The Rules of Baseball Have Been Changed

Breaking news from Bristol, CT. ESPN anchor Tim Kirkjian sings the praises of Phillies 2B Chase Utley:

He plays the game the correct way; he gets hit by a pitch three times in one game, he runs over the catcher on plays at the plate.

Tim then went on to clarify that effective immediately, the winner of any baseball game will be the team that is hit by more pitches and runs over the other team's catcher more times. Actually, he didn't. He just wanted to point out that Utley is a gritty, hustlerific, catcher-plowing pitch magnet. That's what makes him so great.

(Edit: I should have clarified, this was particularly offensive because it was the very first thing Kirkjian talked about after introducing Utley as the NL's leading All-Star vote getter. Not Utley's power numbers, or BA, or plus defense. No. The grittiness is much more important.)

Phillies: Team of Destiny

Sometimes you have to look hard to find something to complain about. Some days it's just too sunny, too breezy, and your favorite team is winning and nothing is wrong. Other times, you're browsing the sports interwebs and someone named Danny Knobler just hits you in the face.

Pat Burrell has been so good that the only question people are asking is whether the Phillies will make the mistake of giving him a new contract.

Last summer, I noticed that the Mariners' stats suggested they were outperforming their skills over a short period of time. Sure enough, my prediction proved accurate: the M's collapsed. In this case, Pat Burrell is outperforming his career numbers by a significant margin. I'm more than willing to put my reputation on the line and suggest that Pat Burrell is due for a slump. Though it's true that players can sometimes exceed their career numbers for a season late in their career (Jorge Posada anyone?), it's an exception that doesn't negate the rule.

Someone remember to look it up at the end of the year and see if Burrell's OPS+ is still at 155.

And in an era where one of the best indicators of success is a healthy pitching staff, the Phillies have used the same 12 pitchers to work every inning this year.

Though I suppose you could attribute it to good managerial managering of the pitching staff, managers don't do that much. I think you could attribute this to good general managering; maybe Pat Gillick is good at signing pitchers that don't get hurt. You could attribute this to the pitchers, for their gritty and tough and workmanlike outlook and working hard at their work so they don't get hurt to miss work.

I think, actually, that you have to attribute this to "luck".

Besides, this is a team that plays hard, all the time.

Oh boy.

"The grittiest team I saw all year," one scout said. "I love the way they play. It's a credit to (manager Charlie Manuel), and also to Pat (Gillick), because he put them together."

Again, the unnamed scouts. I wonder if the grittiness of the team is responsible for Cole Hamels' awesome pitching or for Chase Utley's ability to hit basballs to Saturn. I wonder if the grittiness caused Pat Burrel to learn to hit better than he has in his entire career. I think, on the top of Pat Gillick's list of things to acquire to help the Phillies, GRIT was written in capitals.

Victorino likes the word "gritty,"

Probably because the myth of grittiness is the only reason people like Victorino still have a job.

pointing to a mid-May game against the Braves in which the Phillies trailed 8-0 in the fifth, then came back to put the tying run on base in the ninth.

Wow. They didn't even win! What a bunch of losers. This point is more likely to make me believe that the Phillies aren't World Series material

"We never give up," he said. "It starts with (Manuel)."

Charley Manuel never gives up, probably because his job mostly consists of sitting in the dugout telling grown men to go do what they've been practicing their whole lives.

Ugh. This article sucked.

I Need To Find A Way To Record And Play Back Audio Off My XM Radio

Because as I'm quickly learning, their "MLB Home Plate" channel is a fucking gold mine. And I want to be able to quote their fantastically dunderheaded analysts verbatim.

Like I've posted about a couple of times recently, you've got Rob Dibble running his mouth for three hours a day in the afternoon. I've also recently gotten into their morning show, which features Mark Patrick and Buck Martinez. The two shared a great exchange this morning, re: (who else?) scrappy white guys. This is all paraphrased because, as the title states, I don't have a way to record any of this nonsense yet. Mark will be (mostly) playing the role of "just the facts" guy, while Buck stands tall as the grit-loving quasi color commentator.

Mark: Interesting development for the Cubs yesterday- Lou Pinella dropped Alfonso Soriano to number two in the lineup and plugged Ryan Theriot in at the leadoff spot. Now... I understand Lou is trying to juggle around whoever he's got, and Theriot is a guy who plays hard. But I just don't know about having a guy at the top of the order who batted .266 with a .326 on base percentage last year.

Buck: (flustered, wanting to disagree without making a big deal about things because he loves small white guys) Well... yeah... but people would say the same about David Eckstein.

Yes, they'd say that. And they'd be right. It's sad- people who love Eckstein are now using him as justification for putting other short white guys who aren't very good into the same role he used to fill. This will inevitably lead to some people using Barry Bonds as an example that proves Shawne Merriman is a victim and people are only attacking him because he's black.