Onion-Style Articles Are Only Funny If You're A Funny Writer

I'm not sure what American teenagers did for fun back before TheOnion.com came out in like 1997 or something. Here's the thing: Onion articles were funny. Actually - they still are funny. But only when done by someone who knows what they're doing.

The problem with sportswriters is that most of them don't. And we end up with this. And this. Articles that aren't funny; articles whose satirical purpose [mocking the Joba media circus].

This is what happens when people like Larry Dobrow and DJ Gallo have an ordinary idea [Hey! People talk too much about Joba!] and resort to a now-conventional form [the fake-news story] and they come up with this garbage. I know pnoles sort of covered this already, but I felt it was necessary to point out that two major internet sports outlets came up with nearly-identical non-humorous spoof pieces, both taking the wry and original step of spoofing Chuck Norris jokes LOL I LOVE THOSE THEY ARE SO FUNY HOW CAN CHUCK DIVIDE BY ZERO SNORT.

In general, I think The Onion has been so successful that it's spawned dozens of imitators who have flooded the interweb with cheap knockoffs. I would've been more likely to laugh if the article stated "Joba Ate Himself". Or "Joba Strangled By Woman in Metallic Bikini". Or "Joba Appeases Megalomaniac Dictator". Or "Joba Punches Big Brown For Trademark Infringement".

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Good News, Bad News, and Boring Stories

Listed here in that order, because I'm a big fan of compartmentalization. Why lump all the information together into a giant ball of confusion when I can conveniently and clearly separate it for you? It's like the difference between watching football highlights narrated by Shannon Sharpe and those narrated by anyone else. Well, not really. That comparison barely holds. I just wanted to pick on some low-hanging fruit and point out that Sharpe is completely incapable of verbally communicating with an audience.

The good news: Exactly one week from today, I'll be done with this horrendous job that has taken up way too much of my time. You know what that means, all seven of you who have stuck with us through these last few lean months? That's right- you're about to have access to a lot more mediocre anti-sports media blogging. Don't spend it all in one place. Hopefully I'll settle into a routine of staying up all night and putting up something very substantial at least four days a week, just like I did last fall/early winter.

The bad news: Yet again, for about the 90th-ish time in the last 100-ish nights, I have nothing substantial to offer you. I know, I know. It hurts me too. Of course, dozens of professional journalists have made long and fruitful careers out of offering nothing substantial to their readers. So I guess I'm not alone. Here, I'll be Woody Paige: I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE MICHAEL VICK FIGHT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO THE DEATH, AND LET DOGS WATCH. THAT SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT? EYE FOR AN EYE. OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, PIE FOR A GUY. Sounds about right. And this admission that I yet again haven't written anything big leads me to...

So remember this post from Wednesday? I was thinking it would be really legendary if anyone who wanted to chip in could share the most legendary sports moment they've ever witnessed, in the vein of the last guy I complained about with the Clemente/Bonds story. We're talking about the kind of thing legends are made of. Go on, tell away. Here, I'll get things started:

JOHN ELWAY EXTENDS DRIVE WITH ACCURATE HUCK. It was late fall 1994, and the Broncos were hosting the Chiefs in an AFC West showdown at Mile High Stadium. Ten year old Larry B was in attendance. I was sitting there in section 319 (that's made up, I have no idea where I was sitting) as the Broncos faced an uncritical third and six from the KC 45 with about seven minutes left in the second quarter. Elway dropped back to pass, avoided a blitzer by brushing off an arm tackle, and fired a seed directly into the waiting arms some receiver whose name escapes me at the moment. The completion was good for nine yards and a first down! Denver would go on to kick a field goal on the drive. It remains to this day the most amazing pass I've ever seen on a third and six from the opponents' 45 at Mile High Stadium. I'm 23 now.

Please, everyone jump in. We've all got something to share.

Over/under on number of people who actually participate: 2.5. Hint: don't take the over. But a week from now, it all changes. We're getting the readership back up into the low teens. I can almost taste the impending Google ad revenue.

Is This Supposed To Be Tongue-In-Cheek? Or Does He Actually Believe What He's Writing?

Wallace Matthews, please stop. You're torturing us. The fact that I had to ask those two rhetorical questions in the title of the post speaks volumes about your ability as a journalist.

(Note: Due to the fact that he's on his way to NYC, this is probably the first of many Johan Santana-related articles we'll be covering here over the course of the next few months. Everyone settle in. I expect Mike Celizic to weigh in eventually, at which point PNoles will probably break down sobbing and acidentally spill an almost full bottle of Yoo-Hoo all over his keyboard. If he disappears for a few days, that's probably why.)

You're welcome, Omar. You, too, Jeff.

It could be mere coincidence that five days after I tore you guys a new dugout for being as active in the offseason as David Wells after Thanksgiving dinner, you go out and make the one deal that turns the Mets into a bona fide World Series contender. But I'd rather think not. I would like to take a little credit for this, too.

I bet you would. First, though, you should also take credit for somehow comparing a dugout to an asshole. I get that they're both orifices, but that's still awful. I would have gone with "I tore you guys a new Jerramy Stevens" or maybe "a new Gary Sheffield." Second, you should also take credit for putting together an astonishly clunky sentence to begin the first full paragraph. Third, you should take credit for being the only person currently living outside of the British Isles to go by the first name "Wallace." Good job. I think going by "Wally" would actually be a step down in terms goofiness. I'd even recommend "Wally the Walrus" over "Wallace." Finally, a David Wells joke? Really? Is it still 2004 in New York?

Five days ago, I ripped you for doing nothing this winter to improve a team that just performed the most graceless belly flop since Greg Louganis hit his head on a diving board at the 1988 Olympics.

Too soon! TOO SOON! Also, that's already two awkward sports analogies in the span of five sentences. Let's just cool things down a little bit in that department, OK? Sometimes less is more. You're stretching that device like Michelle Kwan warming up for her short program!

No?

Actually, you did do something. You raised ticket prices. At the time that column was written, it was absolutely, positively, 100 percent correct and I for one couldn't have been happier about having written it.

You? Pleased with yourself for something your brain vomited onto your laptop? Color me flabbergasted.

So now, you go out and get Johan Santana for the equivalent of a rosin bag, a fungo bat and a pine tar rag.

Yes, it would seem the Mets got an okay deal. A deal comparable to one involving several pieces of baseball equipment? Probably not. I do have to admit, however, that it's a fantastic deal in comparison to what the Orioles almost got for Erik Bedard and did get for Miguel Tejada. Hey Ed Wade and Bill Bavasi, I hear the son of the deposed King of Nigeria is looking for someone to help him get a bunch of money into an American bank account. Maybe you should help him out. Still-

You steal him from the Yankees and Red Sox, both of whom had far better offers on the table back in December at the winter meetings.

That's up for debate. I know the Yankees were offering Phil Hughes ZOMG and the Red Sox were offering surefire Hall of Famer and Dreamboat Jacoby Ellsbury. I know. Prospects from Boston and New York are just so much more prospect-y and exciting than other prospects. Why else would we know their names? But there are at least a handful of baseball minds out there who really weren't that impressed with what the AL East juggernauts were offering. Their analysis is basically that those two teams were offering "sure but unspectacular thing" guys while the Mets offer contains "boom or bust" type guys would could disappear or become stars.

You give up four guys nobody will cry about losing. Not a Kazmir in the bunch.

While none of the guys might have the blue chip pedigree of a Kazmir, I love that the tone of the conclusion is there's no way any of them will amount to anything. Wallace Matthews in response to that famous Victor Zambrano trade: "The Mets gave up guys nobody will cry about losing. Not a Kevin Tapani or Rick Aguilera in the bunch." (For those unfamiliar with the trade I'm referencing, it was a disaster for the Mets. It was with the Twins, for Frank Viola, in 1989.)

Just days before Groundhog Day, you upstage Punxsutawney Phil, pop out of your hole, don't see your shadow and promise us an early spring.

This is an even worse sentence than the one I pointed out in the first full paragraph up. Also- I don't think big baseball fans and people who actually care about Punxsutawney Phil overlap very much. Even those who do care about both are probably not considering Phil "upstaged" at this point. That's like saying UConn's surprise victory over Indiana last Saturday upstaged Monday's State of the Union address.

And yes, I know I'm taking everything Wallace says hyperliterally. That's what we do here. Go look through the archives if you don't believe me. Go ahead. I can wait.

What are you trying to do, make me look bad?

You do a great job of that all by yourself.

I prefer to think you are actually trying to make me look good. Like you took my advice or something. Or at least got good and mad about being called out for your futility this winter. You see, I like to think of myself not as a critic, but a motivator, a kind of personal trainer for sluggish general managers and franchise owners. I'm even willing to try to get their rich, pampered sons off the couch and into the action.

This is just one of the sections that inspired the title of this post. He sort of seems to think he was a part of this, doesn't he? Kind of like when a fan thinks that wearing a certain t-shirt when watching their team's games helps that team win. Or when the leader of a cult thinks that killing off his whole sect of followers guarantees him eternal happiness in the afterlife. Well, not really. I just wanted to compare Matthews to a creepy murderer.

For once, it seems to have worked. Back in October, I wrote that you should part ways with Jose Reyes,

For anyone who needed proof that Wallace Matthews is close to braindead: there you go.

who showed more than a little woof-woof last year as the Mets' season careened down the tubes.

What the fuck does "show[ing]... a woof-woof" mean? Also, if that was your criterion for who the Mets should jettison this offseason, they would have ditched pretty much everyone from 2007 except for David Wright. And hell, why not consider him guilty by association? Every player who ever stinks over the course of 17 games should be immediately cut. Choke artists.

I thought you should trade him for Santana

Don't tease Twins fans like that. Things are pretty tough for them right now.

and then, to fill that newly dug hole at shortstop, throw the rest of the money you will be raking in from the new ballpark, new naming rights and the ticket prices at Alex Rodriguez.

Excuse me... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... OK, I'm cool. First, Rodriguez is not a SS anymore. He's put on too much weight to have the kind of range necessary for the position. Second, what the fuck makes you think that was even a possibility? It's up for debate whether Rodriguez came back to the Yankees because they were the only ones who offered him the money he wanted, or because he genuinely wanted to play for the team. Still, I just love how simple Matthews makes this "solution" sound.

Here's how he would fix the Miami Heat:

1) Trade Dwyane Wade for a player who is older, more expensive, and can only play once every five games. Hmmmmm, is Shaq available? Wait, what?
2) Open new arena; use revenue to sign Gilbert Arenas, Baron Davis, Elton Brand, and Shawn Marion when they become free agents this summer
3) Put Jason Williams and Ricky Davis in rocket ship; launch into deep space

Just like that!

It was a bold plan, a daring move, the kind of thing that transforms teams and either sends their GMs to Cooperstown or the want ads.

Steve Phillips joke goes here. Also, it was a plan pulled out of the ass of a terrible journalist who doesn't seem to know much about baseball. So please value it accordingly.

For some strange reason, you rejected that game plan. Up until yesterday, I thought you guys were about as smart as a sack of baseballs for doing so.

Maybe you meant "smart as Vince Young, according to the Wonderlic test." Sports analogy LOLZ

But you did better than I ever could have and better than I thought you were capable of.

Let me break that down. If something is a better idea than his best idea... and also a better idea than what he thinks their best idea would be... yep. If both those clauses are true, then Matthews considers it a possibility that he is smarter than the Mets front office. It's a dark, dark day for baseball journalism.

Since I am taking credit for spurring you to do this, I can honestly say I am proud of you. (By the way, I may have to start the season on the DL. Three paragraphs up, I think I blew out a rotator cuff from patting myself on the back.)

This makes the self-congratulatory tone of the piece seem like more of a joke, but I'm not 100% convinced yet. This is the kind of thing Bill Simmons would say, while really still wanting to point out how fantastically smart he is.

But I must admit, not even I am megalomaniac enough to believe I did this all by myself. I had plenty of help from the Yankees, who in an uncharacteristic spasm of logic and restraint, decided to resist the urge to throw away their future, and a large chunk of Hank and Hal's inheritance, in yet another attempt to buy themselves the American League East.

So that's what the Yankees would have been doing were they to trade for Santana. I see. And yet, the Mets have done no harm whatsoever to their future. There's no way any of those four guys they traded will ever be good at baseball, ever. I heard two of them aren't actually even ballplayers- they apparently sell mattresses for a living. And that $120 million extension the Mets are about to hand over to Santana? Well, it's not actually for money. They'll be paying him with a combination of bottlecaps, socks, and pinecones. So what the Mets just did is totally different than what the Yankees were thinking about doing.

I must also share credit with the Red Sox, who would be damned before they'd allow the Yankees to grab the fiscal high road for themselves.

Might as well also share this same credit with every person in the world, since 99.999999999% of them are exactly as responsible for this trade as you are.

But most of all, I must credit the Minnesota Twins, who overplayed their hand beautifully. They blew a chance to add Phil Hughes and Melky Cabrera from the Yankees

Hughes- Could be excellent one day. Already good enough to start in the bigs, but not necessarily an A+ future "ace" kind of guy. More of a #2 or good #3 guy.
Cabrera- Predominantly a defensive player. Not that that's a bad thing since he plays CF, but still, he's not some kind of dynamic 5 tool guy. Witness his .327 OBP in 2007.

So yeah, that's a decent package. Obviously substantially better than what the Twins ended up getting? No. You can't fault Minnesota for wanting to hold out for something better, given the Yankees' recent propensity to renege on promises they publicly make. There was no way they would pursue Randy Johnson. There was no way they'd let Buffet-Rod come back if he opted out. What were the odds they wouldn't sweeten this deal?

or get either Jon Lester or Jacoby Ellsbury from the Red Sox.

Lester- Similar to Hughes, maybe a small step down. Good, fine, Major League read, but has a relatively low ceiling.
Ellsbury- I've known this guy existed for about 6 months, and I'm already sick and fucking tired of hearing about him. Hey, does anyone know if he had a couple good games in the playoffs last fall? I missed out on coverage of that. In any case, a decent prospect. Should hit better than Cabrera eventually, but not a "can't-miss" guy just yet.

Same story as with what the Yankees offered. Is it a good deal? Sure. Is it a great, "holy shit how can you turn that down" deal? Not really. Compared to what Boston gave up for Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell (considered a salary dump at the time), it's a joke.

Either of those deals would have been better than Carlos Gomez and Phil Humber, but that's what you get from being indecisive, greedy, or both.

Way to be greedy, baseball executive. Since when has greed been frequently rewarded in your industry?

Gomez looked like a nice little player but I, for one, will not miss Humber since I was never going to get used to that silent H at the beginning of his last name.

Sounds something a French guy would do, doesn't it? Have a silent H at the front of his name? Fucking French. Pussies. WOO! U-S-A! U-S-A!

The truth is, as the rest of the field fell away, this guy pretty much fell into your lap. Well, good for you.

Don't forget all the details, Wallace. They also only signed him because you encouraged them to do so.

There's something to be said for being in the right place at the right time, which is something that hasn't happened to the Mets in quite a while.

Signing Carlos Beltran? Signing Pedro Martinez? Getting John Maine from the Orioles for the Benson family? Watching Oliver Perez rejuvenate his career, after getting him from the Pirates for Xavier "Prototypical 4th Outfielder" Nady? Getting Carlos Delgado (for one good season, anyways) from the Marlins for Mike "You Mean I Don't Have To Swing At Each And Every Pitch?" Jacobs? Getting Mike Piazza in his prime for Preston "Ow My Leg" Wilson? Any of these ring a bell? Sure, they've made some huge mistakes too. But it's not like we're talking about the Oakland Raiders or Atlanta Hawks here when it comes to personnel decisions.

Maybe it was just about time for something to go right in Flushing for a change.

Yeah, you poor tortured fans. It's so hard having one of the game's top payrolls and tons of media attention, isn't it? Maybe if you guys hadn't choked on applesauce in the 2006 NLCS and then choked on even smoother applesauce in September 2007, things wouldn't seem so bleak. But don't act like you're always having trouble acquiring good players. Anyone who knows anything about baseball understands that's not the case.

Or maybe it was a case of finally realizing that what you thought was hateful criticism was actually tough love.

Tough love, huh? How parental of you.

If Wallace Matthews was my father, I would change my last name, run away from home, and spend the rest of my days working on those Alaskan crab boats from "The Deadliest Catch." Think about it- the hull of a ship is like one huge basement!

Well done, boys. And remember: If you need any more help, I'm here for you.

Great. If you want to give any more advice, the Mets will be at their headquarters in New York. Not needing your help.

[Thanks to reader Charles for the tip. Can I call you Chas? Chas is a great name. Much better than Wallace.]

Let's Not Build This Up Too Much

Because if I do, I'm just going to let you all down. Let's just leave it at this: Bill Simmons has written an article comparing the 1986 Celtics to the 2007 Patriots. And it is awful. "Mission Impossible 2" awful. Worse than Jemele Hill awful. "Last Call With Carson Daly" awful. Crap, I'm building it up.

Breaking down Beantown's best

Breaking down the spirit of any ESPN.com reader who doesn't give a shit about Boston sports.

When the Colts ducked the AFC Championship Game with an indefensible choke job against San Diego, many die-hard Boston fans thought the same thing: Ralph Sampson.

After all, a heavily favored Lakers team pulled the same trick in the '86 Western Conference finals, allowing themselves to be "shocked" by the upstart Rockets -- with Sampson making the series-winning shot in Game 5 at Los Angeles -- to avoid what would have been a ritual beating by an unstoppable Celtics team. Twenty-two years later, Indianapolis couldn't beat the banged-up Chargers at home when the refs were handing the defending champs every call and Billy Volek and Norv Turner were prominently involved. Did they want any part of the Patriots in Foxborough? Apparently not.

Since Bill is so often creating rules and manifestos for analyzing stuff, let's just take this one and apply it to every single possible situation. Anytime the second best team in any competition loses to someone other than the best team, it's because they subconsciously chose to. They were afraid. They couldn't deal with the idea of ultimately receiving a "ritual beating" from that top seeded team later on. It's a fact. Write it down. Chisel it into stone, and mail a copy of the stone to every single coach of any team at any level anywhere in the country. They can use the stone as a paperweight, and a reminder of the above stated rule. Let's break down some recent examples.

2006 NFL Playoffs- The Ravens, terrified of having to potentially play the top seeded Chargers for the AFC Championship, subconsciously default their divisional round game to the Colts. (Just another example of how smart Brian Billick is/was.) The Chargers go on to win their first Super Bowl. Shawne Merriman is initially thought to be having a seizure during the postgame on-field celebration; it is later discovering he was just dancing like a fucking idiot.

2004 NBA Finals- Coming to grips with the obvious fact that no team of mortals will be able to best the unstoppable Lakers, the Pacers subconsciously decide to mail in their Eastern Conference championship series against the Pistons despite having won 61 games during the regular season. Reggie Miller subconsciously allows Tayshaun Prince to block his layup during the turning point of the series's 5th game. Detroit ultimately decides not to play LA for the NBA title, and instead immediately hangs a "2004 Eastern Conference Champions and NBA Finals Losers" banner in the rafters of their arena the day after topping Indy. Shaq, displeased by this because he wanted to actually play out the games, personally goes to the home of each Pistons player and defecates on their lawn.

2003 MLB Playoffs- Subconsciously realizing they are absolutely no match for the invincible Yankees, the Cubs decide to graciously allow Marlins to win the NLCS. It's a sensible move; they wouldn't want to put their fans through such a painful near miss! After initially refusing to even take the field against lowly Florida, the Yankees are eventually coerced to do so by Bud Selig who promises to take them all to Six Flags if they play. Yankees sweep the Marlins for their 27th World Championship. George Steinbrenner buys himself another helicopter filled with Faberge eggs.

So as you can see, Bill's right.

In the process, they cheated two unforgettable teams of punctuating unforgettable seasons by topping their natural rivals.

How selfish and rude. Who do they think they are? Losing games subconsciously on purpose like that, and taking the shine off someone else's championship! The nerve. Maybe they should have been thinking about someone other than themselves when they painfully blew those playoff games. Their fans should be embarrassed. And should also start hanging out in Joe Montana's diner. And letting a smarmy Masshole guy make chippy one liners to them about how their players are girly and Tom Brady and Larry Bird are so sexy, they have semen running through their veins.

And that's not where the similarities begin and end with the '86 Celtics and the '07 Patriots. For the past few months, I've been avoiding the inevitable "Dr. Jack breakdown" because the responsibility of choosing between the best Boston-area teams of my lifetime was too overwhelming.

Sound exhausting. I'm impressed you're willing to take on this massive challenge. I'm sure there's a terrible 80s movie with a plot that perfectly parallels this situation. See, here's things the way I see them. Some people just weren't wired to deal with success and happiness. You know that guy from college who you wanted to avoid after he hooked up with a chick, or when he was having a fun night out at the bars? The guy who was just too happy with himself for his own good? The guy who just couldn't seem to handle his shit when things were going well? The guy who would tell you unsolicited stories about his exploits, when a normal person who went through the same thing(s) was content to just sit back and enjoy his good fortune on his own? Take that guy and make him a thousand times more hateworthy. Then give him a job at ESPN, and provide him with a rabid group of delusion bandwagon jumping readers who are convinced they are better/more significant sports fans than people who like other teams. That's Bill, three years ago. Today? I have no idea how to describe him.

But following the undeniable parallels between the Lakers-Rockets and Colts-Chargers outcomes, in the words of REO Speedwagon, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

If I ever am hired by a major media outlet to write down my thoughts, I will be sure to reference as few 80s love ballads as possible.

(One crucial anti-jinxing note: So I don't have to keep writing "assuming the Pats eventually win the Super Bowl" throughout the column, we'll shorten that phrase to the acronym "ATPEWTSB." Got it? I don't want to be blamed if this Patriots' season somehow goes to hell.

Don't flatter yourself. Although I do hope that if the Patriots lose, some crazed fan actually does come to the conclusion that it was all Bill's fault and decides to collect on the bounty Kissing Suzy Kolber has put out on his hands.

This is a hypothetical analysis predicated on the realistic assumption that the Patriots, currently 1-3 favorites to win Super Bowl XLII and 14-point favorites in the AFC title game, will win two more games. Which seems fairly likely. You have to admit.)

I have to admit that I hate Simmons and every team he's ever written a puff piece about. That's the extent of things.

All right, let's break this baby down, Dr. Jack style …

I don't have the time or energy to cover every one of Bill's made up comparison categories, but I will hit some key highlights. If you really want to lose your lunch, follow the link and read the full 40,000 word treatise. There's not much to say about most of them except "Sheeeeeeeeit" or "fucksheeeeeeit" or "I want my 20 seconds back."

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
Tom Brady submitted the best regular season in quarterbacking history (4,804 yards, 50 touchdowns, eight picks and a 117 QB rating)

Peyton Manning's 2004, a season in which he only played in 15 games (plus a single non-TD drive before being benched in the meaningless 16th game): 4557 yards, 49 touchdowns, 10 INT, 121 QB rating. Take out Brady's meaningless 16th game and he's below 4500 yards and now has only 48 TDs. His rating would also drop because he completed more than three quarters of his passes in that meaningless game. So, no, he didn't just submit the best regular season in quarterbacking history.

and came within a Wes Welker drop and an uncalled interference penalty away from completing every pass against the Jaguars in the AFC divisional playoffs.

He can thank his offensive line for that.

Meanwhile, Larry Bird cruised to his third straight MVP award in '86, averaged a 26-9-8 for the playoffs and created the 90-50-40 Playoff Club (90 percent from the line, 50 percent from the field, 40 percent from 3-point range).

He created it a whole seven seasons after the 3-point line was implemented into the rulebook. Fuck you, guys who played before 1979. You're not allowed to be in the club. Pete Maravich? More like Pete Marabitch. Jerry West? Fairy West.

The phrase "peak of his powers" applies to both guys, and both were true leaders who connected with teammates on a supernatural level -- Brady and his receivers with their uncanny ability to freelance at the line of scrimmage,

Dozens of NFL quarterbacks do this. Few have the amount of time to throw or weapons to throw to that Brady enjoys, which is why they don't have his numbers. But this is no more "supernatural" than a second baseman/shortstop combo who sometimes pull off a no-look double play flip.

Bird and his teammates with their unselfish passing.

I've seen a lot of basketball in my day. Some guys are much better at passing than others. Bird was really good. I still have a hard time believing the adjective "supernatural" is applicable.

Now that's Supernatural!

Here's the trump card: I can't imagine any professional athlete executing his job better than Brady did through these first 17 games: He made the single toughest position in sports

Hockey goalies might have something to say about that. Or baseball pinch hitters, if that counts as a position. Or Olympic-level ping pong players.

look easy, and every time the Patriots needed him to come through, he did come through.

Every time they needed another TD to push their lead from 28 to 35, he was right there. What a gamer.

On top of that, he excelled during an unhealthy era in which we digest sports through various mediums, argue about them constantly and pick athletes and coaches apart on a 24/7 basis.

This is why not everyone makes it as a pro athlete- they're worried about what Tony Kornheiser is going to say about them on PTI, and whether or not people want them on their fantasy teams.

As Tony Romo showed over the past few weeks, many of these "superstars" can't handle it.

Yes. Romo can't handle the spotlight. That was his one and only problem last Sunday. Not happy feet. Not a vicious New York pass rush. Not mediocre mechanics. It's all about the fact that some reporters asked him about his recent vacation. Brady is so damn excellent at dealing with his off the field nonsense; that's the difference between him and Romo. Besides their offensive lines. And talent.

PRIZE ADDITION
Both Randy Moss and Bill Walton were considered on the downside of their careers, both were rescued from bad teams, and both transformed their teams from "really good" to "great." Statistically, Moss crushes Walton in every respect; his ability to stretch defenses, draw double-teams and provide a home-run threat for Brady dwarfs anything Walton did for the Celts. So this shouldn't be close.

Still, Walton's undeniable contributions remind me why I despise the increasing reliance on complicated statistics for basketball judgments: That season, he only averaged 20 minutes, 7.6 points, 6.8 rebounds and 2.1 assists -- not breathtaking numbers by any imagination -- and yet, you had to be there to witness his infectious and sorely needed enthusiasm, the otherworldly way he and Bird freelanced together on pick-and-rolls, the way the Garden crowd responded to him, and how Walton's minutes allowed Bird, McHale and Parish to stay fresh AND keep the team playing at a high level.

Heart! Gristle! Grit! Guttiness! Playing the game the way it was meant to be played! Being white! The ability to enchant fans despite being objectively (basketball stats are not as straightforward an indicator of performance as baseball stats, but they're still pretty good) not that important to the team! That's what Walton brought to this Celtics team, and people all over New England who love white athletes rejoiced. I like Bill's thinly veiled shot at complicated basketball stats like PER here. Why use something like that, which quantitatively measures nearly every way a guy can help his team, when you can just vaguely speculate about someone's value based on the way the crowd responds to him?

With that said, the neatest thing about the Walton/Moss parallel is how they pushed the careers of Bird/Brady to another level. Nothing was more exciting this season than seeing Brady take seven steps back, plant his feet and heave the football as far as he possibly could to Moss,

What made these plays possible? Thanks again, offensive line. Here's your courtesy photo op, because you have crazy facial hair! Now go back to anonymity so we can all gargle Brady's balls some more.

and if you were a true basketball fan, there was nothing like watching Bird and Walton run pick-and-rolls and give-and-gos like they'd known each other for 30 years. What a cool category. I feel honored just to be writing this section.

Wow. Way to compliment yourself for something you made up, while still working on that something. That's incredible. Nothing says "douche" quite like patting yourself on the back for something you're not even done creating.

You're doing a great job on this post, Larry. Well thank you, it's an honor to be here. No problem, keep up the good work. Great.

What the hell is going on?

DEFINING REGULAR-SEASON GAME
Could you narrow it down to one for the Pats? I don't think you can -- at gunpoint, I'd go with the Giants game, but you could make strong cases for four or five other ones.

I would vote for the one where they scored like four extra garbage time TDs well after the game was in hand. Yeah, I remember that games well. All seven or eight of it.

As for the Celtics, one definitely stands out: A January comeback win when the Hawks raced to a 27-point lead at home and made the unforgivable mistake of talking trash right before halftime, leading to a ferociously ticked-off Boston team roaring back, scoring 14 straight in the fourth quarter and eventually winning in OT. I have this one on tape -- in the second half, the entire Celtics team morphs into Clint Eastwood during the final 15 minutes of "Unforgiven." It's incredible to watch. This game should run on ESPN Classic once a week.

Yeah, what sports fan wouldn't want that? I can't believe this hasn't already happened. I mean, if you like sports, you have to like the exact same teams and moments Bill likes, right? How could you not? It's the fucking 1986 Celtics, man. Destiny's team. What? You don't care? You want to see a variety of programs, covering teams from many different cities? Go watch QVC or something. Pussy. You're Canadian, aren't you?

HOME CROWD
Almost as big of a mismatch as Belichick-Jones, only the other way: The '86 Celtics had one of the most significant home-court advantages in sports history, finishing 50-1 at home (including the playoffs) and breaking records for "Most times a group of fans recognized that a great pass was about to happen even before it happened," and "Most times a crowd has ever lifted a team from one level to another."

We've seen this from Bill before: the idea that Boston fans are just different and smarter and more influential and more powerful than fans from anywhere else. In reality, the only thing that separates those of them that actually believe this from everyone else is being the country's only contingent of fans deserving of being launched into deep space. Listen, fuck-oes: you're not special. You're not different. I don't care what ESPN told you. Here's a bouncy ball. Go play in traffic. (Again, this only applies to those of you who think you're different and special. Which can't be anyone left reading at this point in the post.)


LOCAL LOVE FOR THE TEAM
ATPEWTSB, the Pats have a built-in advantage for the simple reason that football is more popular than basketball. On top of that, when the Patriots were vilified nationally after SpyGate, that made Patriots fans more attached to the team and the season became about something else. Everyone loved the '86 Celtics, but this Patriots season has been different -- it's a much more personal experience as a fan, something that can't fully be explained. When you're rooting for a team that everyone is rooting against, it's almost debilitating. I'm not kidding. I need a vacation after this season.

Please, for Christ's sake, take it. Take it and never come back. Go see Europe. All of it. You've always wanted to do that. Or go hole yourself up in a cabin somewhere and write that novel you've been thinking about all these years. As long as it's not about sports.

QUIRKIEST WRINKLE
For the Pats, it's the fact they finished 16-0 even though they were basically running Warren Moon's old run-and-shoot offense for the past 10 weeks. (I didn't even realize this until stumbling across highlights of an old Oilers game and realizing their offense looked familiar.)

Like fuck he did. I will bet you US $1000 that this is a huge lie. Bill did not notice this on his own. I've never been more sure of something unprovable in my life. There is zero chance he "stumbled" across this. He was undoubtedly tipped off on it by someone who actually knows shit about football, and is now trying to impress his readers. Just like how he always talks about how hard he used to drink in college. Similar to how I always claim to know what it's like to work a steady job and not live at home well into your 20s.

CAPACITY TO SHAME BIGGEST RIVAL INTO SUBCONSCIOUSLY GIVING UP BEFORE THE DAY OF RECKONING
Rockets-Lakers was an enormous upset, but not totally: The '86 Lakers were a subpar rebounding team and an aging Kareem was too much of a ninny to deal with the young legs of Sampson and Hakeem. So it was a semi-defensible upset until the series-clinching game, when Hakeem got thrown out for fighting and the Lakers still managed to choke at home. Really, that's how a defending champ should go out? Come on. As for the Chargers-Colts game, even though San Diego showed an immense amount of heart and Norv Turner's play calling was so good that he nearly caught fire on the sidelines at one point like an "NBA Jam" character, you can't say enough about that gag job by the defending champs. What a disgrace. Part of winning a title is defending the title after you win it … and that wasn't anything remotely resembling a defense.

Kind of reminds me of 2002, when the Patriots missed the playoffs the year after winning the Super Bowl. Nice title defense right there. Or 2006, when they were two-time defending champs and proceded to shit the bed big time against Denver in the divisional round. Speaking of gag jobs, the defining play of that game happened when Brady hit Champ Bailey directly in the hands in the Denver end zone to thwart a potential go-ahead drive. But I digress. Comments like Bill's here are the quintessence of insecurity. Trash-talking journalism only comes from writers who are more concerned with crapping on their team's rival than actually coming up with something most people might find readable or relevant. So when that rival loses a big game, it's all about "disgrace" and how pathetic the rival is. Look, the Colts weren't at their best. But Manning was good/great. Both his picks bounced off receivers' hands. And somehow, some way, Philip Rivers went off. The end result was that the Chargers won that game, the Colts didn't lose it. Any Colts fans out there who are feeling bad should just read this. Might be my favorite Simmons article ever. And it should be noted that as a fan of a rival AFC team, I hate the Colts.

THE GRANDKIDS TEST
Whether it's a team or a player, the test remains the same: Will you be bouncing your grandkids on your lap some day and telling them how great Player X or Team X was? (Note: I always thought this would be a great way to decide the Hall of Fame -- if somebody doesn't pass the Grandkids Test, they're out.)

Other HOF methods that are just as effective and reasonable as the Grandkids Test:
-The cherry pick one stat test
-The cherry pick one significant game he played well in test
-The cool name or nickname test
-The goofy facial hair test
-The I heard a funny story about him partying on a road trip this one time test
-The only enshrine guys who played for your favorite teams test
-The yeah but they let Gary Carter in test
-The I don't know, I mean he was pretty good wasn't he? test

MY DAD'S TAKE
With the Celtics holding a slim 12-10 lead, I phoned my father to get his grizzled take for the deciding verdict. Here's a rough transcript of our conversation:

Finally, Bill goes straight to the foremost authority on Boston sports to settle the argument. Why didn't he just do this from the beginning?

Dad: "I guess. [Thinking.] I have to go with the '86 Celtics. There was no way we were losing that season. Nobody could beat us in the Garden. With the Pats, our defense makes me nervous and nothing made me nervous during that Celtics season. Then again, if the Pats go 19-0 … [thinking] … you know, I can't believe you're doing this before the last two games! Why are you doing this again? This is the dumbest thing you've ever done -- it's even dumber than the time your car got stolen because you left your keys in your car door. Can't you wait three weeks? I'm hanging up."

FINAL VERDICT
We have to wait three weeks. For now, the Celtics have a slight edge. To be continued.

Gag me. So not only has Bill wasted almost everyone's time on a topic 90% of his readership doesn't actually care about, he won't even settle the debate for those who do. All I can say is please, whoever is in charge up there in the sky or the stars or wherever the shit you live- give America something to smile about this Sunday. Let the Chargers march into Foxboro and hand the Patriots' shit to them in a neat little box with a bow on top. Let LDT go off for 200 and 4 TDs. Let Antonio Gates magically heal and force Rodney Harrison into a constant stream of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties by pissing him off while beating him deep. Let Antonio Cromartie get in Brady's head and leave some Snickers wrappers lying around (Curb, anyone? Anyone?). Let Eric Weddle get a more masculine name. Hell, let Merriman act like a dipshit all afternoon, I don't care. I don't care. (No Philip Rivers allowed, though. That guy is a fuckstick. Let's keep Billy Volek at QB.) Please, please, please let this painful story have a happy ending.

Can you imagine the stuff Simmons will write if the Patriots lose? I can promise I wouldn't waste any of my time tearing it apart. It'd be just fine on its own. And we could all laugh together.

Dennis Dodd, You Are An Embarrassment

I hate Ohio State football. So much. I hate their coach, I hate their program, I continue to hate their players if and when they make it to the NFL, and I especially hate their fans. And it's not like I went to Michigan or something. I grew up in Colorado and didn't go to a Big Ten school. In fact, my university only played the Buckeyes once during the four years I spent there. But that experience plus what I've learned about them after researching graduation rates was more than enough to make them one of my most hated teams. Quite frankly, everything about OSU football pisses me off.

And yet, here I am, ready to lambaste Dennis Dodd for writing a column which basically shits all over them. It's going to be weird. Since I'm doing this in spite of my hatred, you know the article in question has to be really, really bad. And it is. Let's count Dennis's absolutely pathetic attempts at comedy.

Spread the word: Mizzou-West Virginia is the game to watch

Missouri is on the front page of the New York Times today.

Ohio State is not on the front page of the New York Times, unless Maurice Clarett was just named a GA.

Buh-zing! Starting off an anti OSU piece with a Clarett joke. Very original. That's uncharted, virgin territory right there. Bad joke #1.

Ohio State is old news. Real old news. Like finding the entire first season of Freaks and Geeks half off, old.

A Freaks and Geeks reference. Awesome. Bad joke #2.

The same goes for both the football team and the sitcom: Who wants to see that again?

And who wants to read about it in a sports column?

That's why Ohio State-West Virginia in the BCS title game does nothing for me. If the center holds, those two teams should not be playing for it all after the haze clears this weekend. That's assuming a lot considering this season, but for some reason or other Mike Freeman finds it a sexy matchup.

This is a reference to Dodd's CBSSportsline colleague Freeman, who somehow managed to write an article about this same topic that might be worse than this one. If I have time, I'll address it tomorrow. Let's just say Freeman has a tiny brain and leave it at that for now.

Sexy? Grab the makeup case, dude, we've got some work to do. What are we going to learn, that the Buckeyes still can't defend the spread? That the site of the championship game matches the description of their schedule?


The Big Easy.

Bad joke #3.

Before you Luckeyes light up the message boards, three syllables for you: Ill-i-nois.

Even Bill Simmons doesn't flagrantly taunt fans of teams he doesn't like as directly as this. This is the opposite of responsible journalism. This is what you post on internet message boards or yell at OSU fans across a parking lot before your team plays them. I'm not trying to be Mr. Uptight Nofun Crabbypants, but something like that simply doesn't belong in an article that gets published on a major sports website.

How many of you were booking New Orleans two weeks ago when the Ohio State University dropped to seventh in the BCS?

That "THE (pause) Ohio State University" thing is really annoying, so I won't count this as a bad joke. It's close though.

No, the best matchup for everyone's health and welfare is Missouri-West Virginia. They are the poster children for what has shaped this season. The two best executioners of the spread option/zone read/shotgun blast, ah, whatever. You know it when you see it.

The spread offense has been the biggest reason this has been the highest-scoring season in history. It can't be stopped. Balls flying in the air. End arounds. Quarterbacks (well, Tim Tebow) running for 22 touchdowns. Tailbacks (Darren McFadden) playing quarterback.

Do you know the three highest-scoring games in history have been played in the past five weeks?

Do you know that the overtime format that allows these high scoring games to happen has been in place less than 10 years? This juicy little tidbit is about as relevant as the fact that Derek Jeter is MLB's all time postseason hits leader. More games/overtime periods equal more chances to get hits/score points. It's not very complicated.

Do you know that the nation's 1-2 teams each average more than 41 points? Do you know that Missouri is the only team in the country to score at least 31 points every time out? Do you know that West Virginia just dropped 66 on Connecticut?

And neither Jim Calhoun nor Bob Huggins were involved?

That's hilarious! Because that number of points is commonly associated with a college basketball game, and those two gentlemen coach the men's basketball teams at those two universities! I get it! So much comedy. I really love it when a contest that takes place in a certain sport ends with a number of scored points that is commonly associated with another sport, and commentators/writers/analysts point out that idiosyncrasy! Examples:

Baseball score: 14-13 Sportswriter: "Looks like the losing team missed the extra point!"
Football score: 9-7 Sportswriter: "They were passing the ball around with sticks that had little nets on the end. It was like a lacrosse game out there!"
Basketball score: 119-114 Sportswriter: "Sounds like both teams brought their cricket bats, and played cricket instead of basketball!"

And so on and so forth. Man, that just cracks me up every time it happens.

Gag.

College football has morphed into the equivalent of gorging on a pizza with everything -- without the guilt.

I don't even know if that's a joke. It could be... maybe? Just for bringing up the concept of feeling guilty about eating pizza (what is this, a "Cathy" cartoon strip?), I'm counting it. That's four.

Disney should be working on a new theme park right now.

The Chase Daniel Experience?

That's five. Also, are there even any Disney parks titled "The ______ Experience"? Wouldn't this non-joke work better if the punchline were "Chase Daniel World" or the setup were "A progressive rock band should be working on a new album right now"?

If the NCAA decides to make a highlight film of 2007, it should be 15 minutes of Missouri's offense, 15 minutes of West Virginia's offense and 30 minutes of a defensive back with his weeping face buried in his hands.

Six.

West Virginia and Missouri conjure visions of pinball machines. The nation's No. 2 rushing offense -- ping! ping! ping! -- vs. the country's No. 5 passing offense.

Seven. Pinball? What year are we in? (No offense to any of our older readers who might have grown up with pinball and still enjoy it.)

You'd need a curfew because the championship game starts at 7 p.m. local time. Five hours later we'd be in the third quarter.

Who would need a curfew? Minors? Everyone? This is incomplete. I'm calling it number eight.

Ohio State? There's no story there. Sen. Jim Tressel (R-Columbus)

Nine. I was hoping for a sweater vest joke.

and his well-rested squad spent 51 days last year getting ready for a game they lost by 27 points. This time they would have sat on their, uh, laurels

What a funny synonym for, uh, asses!

for 15 days before being awarded a trip to New Orleans. That isn't game prep, it's water boarding.

Very topical. Still bad joke number 10, because waiting for a bowl invitation has nothing in common with being in pain/being tortured. If you want to say "Watching Ohio State in the National Championship Game would be like water boarding," well, I'll listen to that. Even though it's still dumb.

The reigning mood would be irony. In a rebuilding year the Bucks somehow got back to the championship game after losing to an unranked team at home.

That is not irony. It would be irony, if, for example, last year Ohio State had been unranked and beaten #1 Michigan in the Big House, knocking them out of the title game. But that's not what happened. In fact, there is nothing ironic about what happened.

Gee, what a heart-warming story. Someone please pass me a Kleenex.

Again with the flagrant taunting. As much as I hate OSU, it's pretty awkward and off-putting.

The game, dear Michael, is reinventing itself in front of our eyes. The Tigers and Mountaineers would take our hands and lead us into the 21st century. I counted four receivers for Missouri on Saturday night that I thought could play in the NFL.

If Dennis Dodd says so, then it must be true. I hope those guys have all hired agents and booked flights to New York for the last weekend in April.

Wideout/return man Jeremy Maclin is the best all-purpose return guy since Reggie Bush.

What the hell is an all-purpose return guy? A guy who returns both punts and kicks? That's like saying a running back who stays in to block on passing downs is an all-purpose backfield guy.

West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez practically invented the spread. He was running it 15 years ago at Glenville State. The Mountaineers have won at least a share of four of the past five Big East titles.

An odd assemblage of simple facts with no punchline. How did this get in here?

You're not looking for the best game, Mike, you're looking for a brand name. Well, shucks, Nebraska isn't available so why not Ohio State?

That's eleven, although it's really more nonsensical than unfunny. Clearly anyone who thinks OSU belongs in the title game is purely interested in "brand names." I mean, it's not like they're one of only four teams in D-I (yes, I'm still calling it D-I, what the hell is this FBS/FCS bullshit?) with less than two losses. I mean, again, I hate them and they've beaten exactly no one so far this year. Still- dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

As I mentioned, the game is changing around us. Twelve teams in the top five have lost to unranked teams this season.

Ohio State is the only one of the dozen still in realistic championship contention.

That's because they're the only one of the dozen to not lose to anyone else. Of course, they didn't really play anyone else. But facts are facts. USC lost to Oregon. LSU lost to Arkansas. Losing once is generally viewed as better than losing twice, regardless of schedule strength. It's the way things go.

In the interest of full disclosure, yes, I am a Missouri grad. We've all got to be from somewhere.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! How interesting! No wonder he thinks Missouri has four NFL caliber receivers.

But I'm also a Tiger who picked Kansas last week.

Irrelevant.

My degree doesn't disqualify me from weighing in on the topic.

No, but your bad sense of humor should disqualify you from writing jokes.

I know Missouri's current entertainment value. It has earned its place at No. 1 if suffering counts for anything. This is a program that once gave up 77 to Oklahoma -- and scored zero. I know that fans waited 14 years between bowl games from 1983 to 1997. I know that we, er, they also had a coach flashing a Super Bowl ring (yes, Missouri had its own Charlie Weis), now he coordinates the defense for New Mexico State. Thanks, Woody Widenhofer.

All irrelevant.

For the sake of keeping everyone awake until Jan. 7, make it the best game. The sexiest game.


Yeah, baby.

"Yeah, baby" indeed. Sex? Yes please! Thanks for giving us a nice round number of terrible jokes by closing out the column with number 12. And this might be the worst of the bunch. Austin Powers... yeah, I remember when that was relevant... like six or seven years ago. Might as well have wrapped things up with a Baja Men reference.

Who let the Dennis Dodd out?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA