MLB on XM's Jeff Nelson takes a dumb subject (baseball's unwritten rules) and makes it sound ten times dumber than it usually does

You know what I mean when I refer to the unwritten rules. What methods you're allowed to use when you're trying to steal signs, when and how you can retaliate if the other team's pitcher throws at your team (answer, if I were in charge of baseball: IT IS MANDATORY. YOU WILL BE EJECTED IF YOU DON'T DO IT), and whether or not spitting on John Hirschbeck is permissible.

I find that most people in the media who like to talk about baseball's unwritten rules are morons. This is probably the case because most of those people are former players, and nearly every pro baseball player has an IQ below 60. Anyways, earlier today former overrated relief pitcher Jeff Nelson raised the stakes in the long-running competition for "stupidest opinion ever held by anyone on Earth at any point in time."

Scene: Nelson is doing a live update-style show with some other co-host dude. The show involves the two of them talking about baseball news (lots to cover during this particular show because of the trade deadline) while mixing in live updates from ongoing games and a little analysis of those games. At the time I was listening, Justin Verlander had a no-hitter through 7 innings against the Angels. For reference the Angels came into the day 2 games back of the Rangers in the AL West- very much in the playoff race.

At the time they came to bat in the top of the 8th they were trailing 3-0. That's trouble when you're facing Verlander to be sure. Erick Aybar led off the inning, and with the game still within reach, he decided that the best possible way for him to reach base was via a bunt attempt. He didn't get a good one down, but Verlander made a throwing error trying to get him at 1st and he would later come around to score. The Angels got another run in that same inning, and as a result, trailed only 3-2 in the top of the 9th and managed to get the tying run to 2nd before the game ended.

So what about Aybar's bunt attempt? A pretty savvy way for him to jumpstart his team's offense, no? When you're in the thick of a divisional race on the last day of July, and you're only trailing 3-0 in the 8th, anything goes, right? Not if you're Jeff Nelson. Now I get that because Nelson is a former pitcher his perspective is probably going to be slanted towards that side of the argument. But good ghost of Ty Cobb. In expressing his disgust towards Aybar's decision to try to break up the no-no with a bunt, he said all of the following things or something very close to them. (I'm going off memory 10 hours after I heard the segment in question, people. Work with me here.)

You don't do that.

That's bush league.

Detroit's fans were right to boo Aybar for that.

That's just absolutely inappropriate.

And my favorite, this one verbatim:

If you want to break up a no hitter, you get a hit the right way.

Seriously, he sounded like Joe Buck after Randy Moon pretended to moon Green Bay's fans. The indignation in his voice was noticeable. You don't DO that. Why, it's unsporting! It's like a play action fake! Or intentionally fouling in basketball when the other team is ahead and trying to run out the clock! Fuck trying to win- obey the CODE, people. The secret set of nonexistant rules that morons like Jeff apply arbitrarily from their ivory towers. THAT'S what's important. Playoff spot? Pshh. What good is it if you got there by bunting to break up a no hitter? What a zilcheroo.

Now I can understand if some people think it's inappropriate to do what Aybar did if you're down like 10-0, or if you're the Cubs or some other team that has no shot at making the playoffs. Neither of those fact patterns applies here. So at this point I'm starting to think that Jeff Nelson is not actually a human, because no human could be as dim as he sounded today.

In conclusion Jeff Nelson is a poorly programmed robot.

Post-Holiday Bonus Bonanza Post

OK, I've been accumulating several things that need to get posted over the course of the past few days. Let's cut to the chase.

1. Buck Martinez, supposedly a baseball "expert" as he is employed by XM to comment on various baseball matters during its most listened-to timeslots, has this to say about the prospects of Pedro Martinez pitching anywhere this year.

Now this is a guy who I think still has a few starts under his belt.

You're right. As of the publishing of this post, he has exactly 400 of them "under his belt." And he will continue to have 400 or more of them, no matter how many years pass. If you're talking about his potential ability to pitching the majors in 2009, and referring to how many starts he has left in the tank, a figure of speech which is pretty common and should probably not be bungled by a guy employed in talk radio, that's up for debate. Please do not confuse "left in the tank" with "under his belt." It's not that hard.

2. ESPN's Doug Gottlieb, a guy who I usually like, lays a real egg in his summation of everything that's wrong with the media's interpretation of baseball in this soundbite re: Mark Teixeira (prior to his signing with the Yankees):

See, what I don't understand is why he would consider the Nationals or Orioles over the Red Sox. If you go to Baltimore, you're irrelevant. If you go to Washington, you're irrelevant.

This is, as I said above, exactly what's wrong with the media's interpretation of baseball today. According to Doug and the many writers and commentators who think exactly like him, if you don't play for the Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs/maybe the Dodgers or Mets, you might as well not be playing at all. And that's just fucking sad. What? Baltimore and DC each have millions of people, many of whom are fans of the hometown baseball team? Fuck it- if you're not playing for RED SOX NATION, you might as well be sitting at home and eating junk food.

Fucking gag me.

3. Here's a hot tip for all you announcers out there- puns are fucking lame. Don't use them. Ever. During Notre Dame's Christmas Eve win over Hawaii in the Hawaii Bowl, ESPN's play-by-play guy (who will remain unnamed due to my laziness) dropped the following two lines after commercial breaks:

It's Jimmy "Santa" Clausen and Golden "Frankinscence and Myrrh" Tate who are the story for Notre Dame today!

For the Irish, it is indeed "A Wonderful Life" here in Honolulu!

To put it simply: STOP. NO. FUCK YOU. No one worth pandering to enjoys this kind of monkey shit.

There Are Probably About 30 Minutes Left in the ALCS

So this is definitely not a very timely post. Still, I have to request that Chip Caray stop referring to batted balls that make contact on the bat near the hitter's hands as having been "fisted." "Fisted to right... Drew is there." "Fisted towards Longoria." "Fisted.... just foul!" It really... how should I put this... uh.... there's just gotta be a better way to describe these hits. Please stop.

Update: Might as well turn this into a micro liveblog. Buck Martinez, on Rays reliever David Price-

Price was the winner in game 2 of this series. The irony of that was that he won a Major League postseason game before he won a regular season game!

Maybe that would be ironic if his name was David Regularseasonwin or something. As things actually are... Buck, you're not even close.

In addition to my proposed moratorium on "fisted," let's also just stop letting announcers try to identify irony. About 3% of them can do it correctly, and I just don't think the potential benefit to viewers of letting that 3% continue is worth the terrible cost to viewers of letting the other 97% continue to fuck it up.

Also, the Rays are now three outs away from winning this series. Is it really going to happen? Am I going to lose $20 to Dan-Bob, yet win happiness in Boston's demise that is worth so much more? We'll find out. I won't believe it until I see the Rays going apeshit in the clubhouse and Terry Francona giving a somber press conference.

Updated update: Slap my mouth and call me Joe Buck. They really did it. If you went to Vegas in March 2007 and found an oddsmaker that would take a $100 bet from you that the Rockies and Rays would each win a pennant in the next two years, how much would your payout be? A jillion dollars? I shouldn't answer my own rhetorical questions, makes me sound like Simmons. SPEAKING OF WHICH, segue.

Hey Bill... it's really great that you wrote a 15,000 word article on Friday about how the Sawks mounted a very cool and memorable comeback in game 5, beat the imaginary "curse of October 16th," or whatever you want to call it, and that they didn't get eliminated at home. But guess what? Go stick a plunger in a toilet and sit on it. You and your team both stink.

Zilcheroos.

One last update: John Kruk was just asked about the ramifications of the Rays starting Scott Kazmir in game 1 of the World Series. I think his response was the single smartest thing I've ever heard out of his mouth. I can't quote it directly, but his point was basically that the Phillies' power threats off the bench are all left handed. (Stairs, Jenkins, and maybe Dobbs [if your definition of "power threat" is flexible]) So by starting a lefty in the AL park, Joe Maddon probably forces Charlie Manuel to start backup catcher Chris Coste at DH. This subsequently makes pinch running for either catcher in the lineup dicey because if the other gets injured, everything goes to shit.

The Rays won a pennant.... John Kruk is talking sense... wow. Time to start watching the Arizona Cardinals verrrrrrry closely, and perhaps expecting Peter King to stop being fat and stupid. Or at least stop being stupid.

I'm Busy These Days

But I think enough random clutter has accumulated in my brain from the past few days to justify a post.

1) Besides my dream girl Le Ann Schreiber, E:60 might be the best thing ESPN has going for it. No, it's not perfect- I realize not everyone is going to agree on the quality of the reporters. Some people hate Jeremy Schaap, others don't care for Lisa Salters. Whatever. I for one like all of them in this particular capacity, especially Tom Farrey. (I think we can all agree that Rachel Nichols is an absolute disaster when she's doing pregame reports on Sportscenter. But like I said, she does alright for herself here.) The stories they cover are almost always entertaining, and I don't mind the cheesy "production meeting" background setting. Consider me an E:60 fan. If it's on, I'm watching it. Without complaining. Which, as you may or may not be able to guess, is a pretty rare occurence.

2) Fuck. Ing. Hell. Tony Kornheiser- you are the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, biggest piece of poop, worst TV commentator of all time. The worst. I can no longer watch Monday Night Football with the sound on because of you. (Which is unfortunate, because Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski are reasonably good together.) You're OK on PTI. Actually, I think PTI has been getting a little stale lately, but it's still a good forum for you. And your writing ranges from above average to below average. But your MNF performance... oh my God. Just shut up. You're atrocious. STOP ASKING RHETORICAL QUESTIONS. (Re: Reggie Bush: "Wow, how good is this guy?") THAT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU'RE COMMENTATING A LIVE SPORTING EVENT. Jesus leghumping Christ. ESPN- get someone else. Anyone else. I don't care if it's Joe Morgan. Just get this clown out of the booth.

3) I'm really looking forward to the ALCS as televised by TBS. You know why? Because Buck Martinez will be in the booth. I don't know if you watched much or any of the Angels/Red Sox ALDS... but the guy is even worse while calling a game than he is on XM. I didn't get a chance to liveblog any of those ALDS games, but please believe I will block out at least one evening this time around. The guy is too awful to miss.

4) Speaking of which, I am pooping in a cardboard box and mailing it to the next writer or announcer who points out that player X "doesn't care if he goes 0 for 5, as long as his team wins!" Oh yeah, you fucking think? In the playoffs, especially? You're trying to tell me that these guys would rather advance closer to a ring and a hefty World Series bonus check than bloop in a couple singles and go home after the first round? Fuck you and your crazy brain. That's bonkers. Here's a list of players who would place individual accomplishments over team success in the playoffs: Ricky Davis. That's it. (Note: two shits in two separate boxes if the player referenced by the writer/announcer in the above situation is Dustin Pedroia. He's small, he's white, he plays for the Red Sox, the media loves him, WE FUCKING GET IT.)

Have a nice Wednesday! TMQR forthcoming sometime tomorrow. Hopefully.

That's Not An Excuse

Rob Dibble, on XM's "The Show" today, speculating as to why C.C. Sabathia is having a horrific season so far:

"And on top of all that other stuff, he saw a lot of his teammates getting big extensions this offseason, and maybe that messed with him a little."

Well, Bobby, if you made your living by talking about baseball, I'd expect you to know that C.C. turned down a four year extension rumored to be worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $70 million this offseason. Is that Barry Zito or Johan Santana money? No. Is it as much (or as many years) as he can expect to command on the open market this coming winter if his 2008 numbers end up resembling his 2007 numbers? No. But if Sabathia really wanted the kind of security his teammates were being given, is it a reasonable amount of money to accept? Definitely. So, uh, as the title implies: this is definitely not anywhere close to a good excuse for C.C.'s miserable performance in 2008. Rob Dibble, just say "fuck" on the air and get fired already. Wait, XM isn't regulated by the FCC? OK, just get fired a different way then. Pull a Harold Reynolds or something. I don't care.

Billy: Still The Shittier Ripken Brother

Cal and Billy have a show together on XM. Now, I have to confess that I've never listened to said show. But I did hear Billy appear as a guest on Buck Martinez's show this morning, and given some of the things he said, I think it's fair to assume his talent as a radio personality lags just as far behind his Cal's as his baseball playing ability used to.

Re: the Royals, Orioles, and Marlins and their hot start:

They've just been playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. That's what you like to see.

Excellent point. That's as good as reason as any I can think of. I mean, why did the Patriots go undefeated during the regular season last fall? By playing good, solid, fundamental football. The New Orleans Hornets and their surprisingly fantastic season? You guessed it. Good, solid, fundamental baseball. I mean basketball. The 1927 Yankees? Yup. Meanwhile, elsewhere in baseball, this kind of logic can be used to explain why certain teams are struggling. I hear the Tigers have been throwing opposite handed and trying to hit with bowling pins, fluorescent light tubes, and anything else they can find that might be hilariously misused as a bat. The Astros' position players have been doing dizzy bat relay races in the clubhouse tunnel before taking the field every inning. The Nationals won that exciting game first (domestic) game of the season two Sundays ago, and then specifically said to themselves, "Alright, guys. We got that first win under our belts. So we're done playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. Just bullshit from now on."

Re: What he would say to his players, were he the manager of one of the above-mentioned unexpected division leaders:

You know, I'd tell them, just keep on rolling with it.

I mean, I know managers don't really do that much, but, uh... I think you'd probably want to offer your players a little something more than that. How about "I like the way we've been playing, but we can't assume the whole season is going to be this easy. Don't let this go to your heads." Or maybe "God damn it, if you assholes build up expectations too much, it's going to cost me my job when we finish 67-95 anyways. How about we take it easy for a few games." But I guess going with the same thing you'd usually shout at a jam band rocking out on stage is acceptable too.

Re: Detroit's slow start:

Anytime you get off to a slow start, that's going to sting you early.

Consider yourselves stung early, Tigers fans. Yes, it's analysis like this that earned Billy the nickname "Fuck Face". Don't worry, the link is SFW. (Does anyone have one of those? I bet my friend Adam, who loves the Orioles and whose nickname also happens to be Fuck Face, would give you a lot of money for it.)

Oh, and I was about to end the post, when I remembered that later in the afternoon I heard Rob Dibble say something along the lines of:

Join us for "The Show" tomorrow, when we discuss the impact injuries are having on early playoff races.

I'm not saying every game doesn't count. Just ask the 2007 Phillies, Mets, Rockies, or Padres. But really, should we be talking about injuries in that particular context on April 10th? The question is not rhetorical. The answer is: Maybe. Probably not. Definitely not. Rob Dibble, and the producer who wrote that teaser for him, are silly geese.