Jonah Keri does not show us the funny

Jonah's annual MLB trade value column came out a couple weeks ago (ZOMG SIMMONS IS A GENIUS THIS IS THE BEST LISTICLE OF ALL TIME).  I give his analysis a B-plus, it's fine.  I give his ability to write coherently a C-minus, it is slipshod at best.  And most importantly, I give his sense of humor an F-minus, because it's fucking terrible.  Let's dive right in to his rundown of guys who were in the top 50 last year but fell out this year.

Meanwhile, it's time to retire Keith Law's brilliant "Sliced bread is actually the best thing since Matt Wieters" (41) meme … 

Keith Law is a gaping asshole, and there is nothing brilliant about anything he has ever done, perhaps other than convince people that he's an amazing baseball analyst.  That joke is terrible, Keith is terrible, and I hope he loses every writing gig he has before the year is out.  (Check the comments for PNoles's obligatory defense of Keith, because... well, I have no idea why PNoles defends Keith.  Keith fucking sucks.)

Desmond Jennings (39) improved his power, batting eye, and contact skills in 2013 and offers four more years of team control, so leaving him off this (stacked) list could wind up looking really stupid … 

Classic Simmonism: make arbitrary list.  Question own decisions in crafting said list, as if something is at stake, or worse, as if it wasn't possible to put an extra 15 seconds into re-ordering said list before publishing if desired.  Collect enormous paycheck.

Justin Upton (38) might have already delivered his best season, 

Almost certainly.  Fuck Justin Upton and fuck anyone who gave him serious MVP consideration in 2011.  No, I am not ready to let that go.

and his brother was the worst outfielder in the NL last season, ruining another excellent meme … 

That's not a meme.  It's a bit.  The Weithers thing was not a meme either, but at least this Upton one isn't horribly unclever.


Brett Lawrie (21) and Dylan Bundy (20) are Exhibits A and B for why we shouldn't overrate prospects until they actually start producing; and yes, I'm a terrible, Canadian-loving homer 

I mean, admitting it is nice and all, but the other option is to stop journalistically tonguing Alex Anthopoulos's balls and realize that the Blue Jays continue to be a mediocre team with mediocre management, no matter how many SUPER ULTRA GENIUS moves they make.  Anthopoulos is the AL's answer to Jack Zduriencik (Remember him?  He's the guy who invented RUN PREVENTION and took the 2010 Mariners to the Super Bowl!).

Also, all fans of all teams in all sports overrate prospects, but baseball fans are undoubtedly the worst about it.  The reasons are obvious (takes much longer for prospects to develop relative to other sports, takes longer for teams to go for bad to good relative to other sports), but that doesn't mean every fan who lights up a message board with a comment to the effect of "[My favorite team] would never trade [name of prospect who is at least two years from MLB and will probably never make it] for [established and available above average player].  [Name is prospect] is a sure thing." shouldn't be shot out of a circus cannon into an alligator pit.

[Shelby Miller] faded in the second half, which isn't that unusual for a pitcher tossing more innings than ever before. Then the Curious Case of the Disappearing Shelby happened, 

Is that a joke?  If so, no points awarded.

with the Cardinals opting to use Bob Forsch, Dane Iorg, 

Hooray for unremarkable players from the 80s!  Hope Jonah paid Pearlman his royalty fees for using that bit.

and a plate of toasted ravioli rather than put Miller in a postseason game.

TOASTED RAVIOLI!  THAT'S GOLD, JONAH!  GOLD!

44. Jonathan Lucroy, C, Milwaukee Brewers (NR): The Brewers owe Lucroy a total of $9 million over the next three years, or $14.25 million over the next four assuming they pick up his option in 2017. Here's a list of the things Lucroy would have to do to fail to earn that contract:

1. Hit .024 with 400 strikeouts and 968 errors

2. Suffer a career-ending stubbed toe tomorrow

3. Say the word "Smaug" 17,227 times in a row until someone stabs him

I'm not saying I've never used hyperbole to sell a joke.  But come on, what Jonah just wrote is terrible.  It's fucking horrible.  Especially the last part.  Jesus H. Christ-that line is Easterbrookian.

Given the flashier names around Lucroy on this list, he might seem out of place at first glance. But if anything, this ranking feels a little low.

More patented Simmons second guessing your own arbitrary ranking cow shit.  Infuriating.  YOU KNOW I THINK I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE, BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I'M ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN MYSELF AND THUS AM MAKING ERRORS THAT MYSELF IS UNABLE TO CATCH.  Fucking barf.

He delivered offense 5 percent better than the league average, excellent defense, and the health and stamina to play 138 games. After that campaign, [Salvador] Perez's contract looks even more unbelievable. Like, it's actually impossible to believe. The Royals owe Perez $1.5 million in 2014, $1.75 million in 2015, and $2 million in 2016. KC then has a $3.75 million club option for 2017, followed by a $5 million option for 2018 and a $6 million option for 2019, which would normally be Perez's first two years of free agency. That's $20 million for his next six seasons, for a four-win player.

WHAT?  A PRE-ARB PLAYER SIGNED A TEAM FRIENDLY CONTRACT TO GUARANTEE HIMSELF FINANCIAL SECURITY IN EXCHANGE FOR REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF MONEY HE COULD HAVE COMMANDED IF HE MAINTAINED HIS HEALTH AND SKILL AND GOT TO FREE AGENCY?  THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.  

I mean, of course that contract is very team friendly.  The Royals are getting a great deal.  But to call it "actually impossible to believe" is actually really fucking dumb.

32. Jurickson Profar, SS, Texas Rangers (18); 31. Xander Bogaerts, SS, Boston Red Sox (NR):

Remember how Brett Lawrie and Dylan Bundy were high on last year's list?  This time around, Jonah promises to stop overrating prospects.

18. Troy Tulowitzki, SS, Colorado Rockies (23): I live in Denver. I'm at Coors Field a lot. Last fall, I spent two hours talking to de facto Rockies general manager Bill Geivett about … everything, really. And I still have no idea what the Rockies are doing, other than making arguably the best party atmosphere in and around any ballpark even better. This winter's Tulowitzki dance continues that theme. Tulo's name came up in trade rumors with the Cardinals, a team with enough talent to revitalize the Rockies' stockpile of good, young players and potentially set Colorado up with its best starting rotation ever. Instead, the Rockies more or less came out and said Tulo isn't going anywhere under any circumstances. 

A) Tulowitzki's extension, signed in 2011 and good through 2021, is fairly team friendly.  Even with his injury problems, which are overstated most of the time because most baseball fans are mouth breathers, he's a pretty safe bet to provide more value than it pays him over the duration.  In 2010 he put up 6.7 rWAR in 122 games.  Last year he put up 5.3 rWAR in 128 games.  I'll pay that guy $20MM a year (as he'll be paid from 2015 through 2019), even if I expect him to miss time, no problem.  He will have to move away from SS eventually, which will hurt his value, but that doesn't change the overall likelihood that the extension works out well for the Rockies.  

2) Just because the Cardinals were sniffing around doesn't mean there was any kind of a decent deal to be had.  If the Cardinals' management has a mentality anything like any of the Best Fans In Baseball who provided internet insight on the possibility of their team scooping up Tulo, it would be the worst trade in history if they offered any of their 10 best prospects, because LOLCOORZ (Tulo career on the road: .276/.348/.471) and INJUREEZ (see above).  I don't think any rational Rockies fan gave even a passing thought to the idea of trading him for future assets. And as far as current assets goes, he's one of the best in the game, and is locked up for the rest of his career to a good contract.  

D) Describing a passing and unsubstantiated rumor that the SS-needy Cardinals had interest in the best SS in baseball, who happens to play for a non-playoff team, as "this winter's Tulowitzki dance" is embarrassingly terrible analysis.

So, OK, they see an open window over the next two or three years, with Tulo and CarGo in their primes. But then why did they just trade Dexter Fowler for a bucket of beans?

Who knows, it was probably a bad trade, but the Rockies have had success recently in converting some "plenty of potential but no real results" young arms into decent SPs in recent years (Jorge de la Rosa, Tyler Chatwood).  Fowler has the same injury problems Tulowitzki does, and is of course not nearly the player Tulowitzki is.  He's also streaky, getting hot for a few weeks and then disappearing for a few weeks, which isn't the end of the world when the end of year results are above average, but hurts a little more when it's your leadoff hitter doing it as opposed to someone lower in the lineup.  

Further, Gonzalez is a natural CF who is ready to take over, and corner OFs (to replace Gonzalez in LF) aren't exactly hard to find.  They're probably going to run a platoon of Corey Dickerson (.819 OPS against righties last year as a rookie) and Drew Stubbs (never quite blossomed fully, but career .796 OPS against lefties) out there, and they used the money they would have owed Fowler to sign Justin Morneau to play 1B (which was a tire fire last year).  THAT move could also blow up, but if you give the situation more than just a cursory look, it's easy to see how all the moves fit together.  Sheesh.

Yes, I know you can tell that I'm a Rockies fan, and that you don't give a fuck about that fact or the Rockies themselves.  Let me have my moment tearing Jonah down.  It's the least you can do for me.

None of those moves or non-moves is that bad in isolation; Tulo is a superstar who, even when he plays only 130 games a year, is still the best shortstop in baseball and one of the 20 best players in the majors, and Fowler is a perfectly fine player who also has gigantic home/road splits. The bigger issue is that management doesn't seem to have much of a tangible plan, other than keeping its biggest star in town so fans will keep lining up to buy $12 microbrews on sunny afternoons and the club can keep raking in gigantic gobs of money that it pretends not to have.

That's the most cynical, retarded viewpoint on how an MLB team should manage its assets I've ever read.  Jonah is apparently one of those IF YOU DON'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BLOW IT ALL UP AND START OVER PROSPECTS ARE AWESOME guys.  What a dope.

15. Stephen Strasburg, SP, Washington Nationals (8): Strasburg falls a few spots from last year, since there's now at least a little doubt over his ability to take over the world. There's the still-tough-to-fathom innings-limit gambit of 2012, which sparks doubt over whether there was something else at play aside from a shot-in-the-dark guess at his appropriate workload in the thick of a pennant race.

What?  What the hell else could have been at play?  Someone in the Nationals front office ordering a shutdown so he could profit from betting against the team's postseason chances?  That decision was astonishingly dumb, but I'm 100% certain it was motivated solely by a shot-in-the-dark guess at Strasburg's appropriate workload.

13. Madison Bumgarner, SP, San Francisco Giants (27): Bumgarner should have ranked higher last year, so we're correcting matters this time.

Pretty much every player should have been ranked differently than they were on last year's list.  Please stop trying to sound like you've finally cracked the trade value code and are providing 100% accurate information, as opposed to last year when you were only providing barely-educated guesses.

12. Yadier Molina, C, St. Louis Cardinals (44): Wins Above Replacement underrates Molina, maybe severely.

CHECK OUT HIS CATCHER ERA!  ALSO HE FRAMES PITCHES A LOT!  Fucking gag me.  Not saying there's no value to pitch framing or "handling the staff," but to say Molina is "severely underrated" by any metric is laughable.  He's been a 6ish rWAR player these last two years.  I'm pretty sure he's not really actually a 10 rWAR player or something ridiculous like that.  He's not Barry fucking Bonds.

For now, though, Molina just might be the best player in the NL.

No.  He's not, and he's not in the top 5.  He might not be in the top 10.

5. Buster Posey, C, San Francisco Giants (4); 4. Evan Longoria, 3B, Tampa Bay Rays (5): There are always what-ifs in baseball, especially when it comes to the draft. But given the success the Rays had with their top picks in 2006 (Longoria) and 2007 (Price), we might need to give a team of scientists 100 years to figure out how Tampa Bay chose Tim Beckham over Buster Posey with its top pick in 2008.

No team has ever had mixed success with high draft picks!  It's impossible to believe it happened to the Rays!  Like, literally impossible to believe!

When SI's Tom Verducci wrote about Harper back in 2009, he called the Las Vegas–based teenager "Baseball's LeBron," adding: "Golf has Tiger Woods, basketball has LeBron James, hockey had Wayne Gretzky and military history had Alexander the Great, but baseball, like jazz, is a discipline that does not easily engender prodigies … So good and so young is Bryce Harper, however, that he explodes baseball convention." Those words weren't just hosannas from a seasoned and well-respected writer; they reflected the opinion of every talent evaluator in baseball. When Verducci revisited Harper in May of last year, right after Harper's major league debut, it was impossible to overlook the irony involved. "Harper's debut was the most anticipated debut in baseball history," Verducci wrote, "if only because of the volume, scope, and speed of coverage we give professional sports." Basically, Harper is megahyped because Verducci and I and everyone else who writes about the sport drools over Harper's ability.

IRONIC IRONY!  Good job by Jonah of 1) misusing that, 2) not grasping that there's nothing weird (let alone ironic) about a writer doing a profile of a megaprospect and then three years later noting that lots of people were eager to see said megaprospect reach MLB, and 3) incorrectly crystalizing his own point, awkwardly flailing and ultimately failing to give any insight into the feedback loop of hype he's trying to describe.  Good effort, Jonah.  Better luck next year.  At least you put Mike Trout at #1 on the list.  

Well, shit. I haven't done that Jonah Keri post.

YET.  DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, KERI.  YOU'LL GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU.

In the meantime, here's an extremely short post about Bill Barnwell.  Besides the fact that he's a little smarmy (not funny smarmy--more like pretentious smarmy) and he's also constantly trying to emulate Simmons (I would know a little something about that don't you think lolololololol), Barnwell is really good.  I have no problem with 97% of what he writes.  These come from that other 3%.  Re: Josh McCown.

After completing 58 percent of his passes, averaging 6.3 yards per attempt, and throwing interceptions once every 25 attempts before this year as a pro, McCown's run as the Chicago starter saw him complete 66.8 percent of his passes while averaging 8.2 yards per attempt and throwing a lone interception in 220 attempts. It's likely the hottest stretch of his life — the proverbial pinch hitter who hits .400 in 150 at-bats after the starter gets hurt —

Ah yes.  That old, well-known proverb.  That old chestnut.  "That's as surprising as a pinch hitter who hits .400 in 150 at bats after the starter gets hurt."  Barnwell's misuse of "proverbial" is making my head literally explode with rage.

Re: Rashad Jennings

Oakland's goal as a team right now should be to try to find players who can contribute to their next great football team;

ARRRRRRRRRRRGH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH.  Really?  The Raiders are a FOOTBALL team with FOOTBALL players on the FOOTBALL field?  I had no idea.  I thought they played squash.

Re: Anthony Collins

Collins has the athleticism to protect quarterbacks on the left side; the only thing he lacks is experience, as he has been stuck behind Whitworth. With Whitworth (say that five times fast)

No.

Bill's mailbag of horseshit is horsier and shittier than ever (part 2)

To the anonymous in last post's comments, re Jeter vs. A-Rod as Yankees SS in 2004: yes, there were people back then who thought Jeter was the better shortstop.  They are the same people who still think he deserved every Gold Glove that he won, i.e., they were/are fucking idiots who should be thrown into volcanoes.  I realize that defensive metrics and defensive WAR have a long way to go before they're perfectly accurate, but as of the start of 2004 season, Jeter had about -2 dWAR and Rodriguez had about 8 dWAR.  That's a gap that can't be explained away with a rallying cry of SHUT UP STAT NERDZZZ, WATCH SOME GAMES.  The odds that Jeter was the better shortstop are about the same as the odds that he doesn't get into the HOF on the first ballot.  Also, re your claim that bengoodfella was exaggerating more than the pro-Jeter crowd: NO.

Anyways, when we last left Bill and his merry band of sycophants, some retard had asked/told Bill that the final scene of the first episode of the current season of Breaking Bad was the best scene in television history.  How do you think Bill will respond?

SG: I thought it was the television equivalent of the 75 seconds or so right after Mike Tyson first chewed off part of Evander Holyfield's ear — when we realized what happened, zoomed through the Seven Stages of WTF? and assumed they would stop the fight, only they didn't, and suddenly Tyson and Holyfield were hopping in their corners, ready to fight again as everyone lost their freaking minds.

/game show buzzer

Gotta give him points for comparing it to a sports moment rather than another pop culture moment, though.

I've been in just about every conceivable sports fan situation at this point — that's my no. 1 "I am prepared for ANYTHING right now" sports fan moment. (It's impossible to overstate how exciting those few seconds right before they started fighting again were. I still remember where I watched that fight, who was there, and where everyone was sitting.) 

Hopefully the reason he remembers all of that so vividly is because he was alone.  I would sooner stick my dick in a paper shredder than watch a fight with Simmons.

Wait a second, we're doing this right now? This is happening??????? I AM PREPARED FOR ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.

SHUT THE FUCK UP

Q: Is there anyone who can die between now and next month to prevent James Gandolfini from getting the hammer slot in the 'In Memoriam' Emmys montage? I see only three potential people stealing his thunder: Bill Cosby, Bill Shatner, or Jerome Seinfeld.

—Bryan Farris, Baton Rouge

Yeah, those three, and about two hundred other actors and actresses.  Good way to get your question into the published mailbag, though.  "Hey Bill, here's a horseshit question about nothing that has a bunch of possible answers.  Here are my answers to it, which are terrible.  Your thoughts?"

SG: Agree on Cosby and Seinfeld. Disagree on Shatner. Would add the following definites: David Letterman, Michael J. Fox, Mary Tyler Moore, 

And then he goes on for like 15 more.  It's embarrassing.

The single toughest call? Gandolfini or Eddie Murphy. 

THIS IS WORTH CONSTERNATION!  America's most popular sportswriter, everyone.

Q: I'm not sure why, but the other day, I decided to see what the current Red Sox rotation would look like if all the pitchers were actually dinosaurs:

1. Felix Doubrontosaurus

I'll spare you the rest.  Point is, the person who wrote this should be beaten severely on public television.

Q: SportsCenter has been showing a lot of tweets on air from sports figures and celebs. 

On the list of the fifty worst things to start happening on Sportscenter in the last four years, this is near the top, but is definitely eclipsed by the fact that they also show a lot of tweets from everyday sports fans too.  That's just what I want with my highlights--some instant feedback from @boner69 about how great LeBron's dunk was.

Most of the time, the person reading the tweet kinda butchers it due to the weird form of English used on twitter. What do you think of SportsCenter bringing in a Frank Caliendo type impersonator and use him over an anchor awkwardly reading a Shaq tweet?

—Ashton, Springfield, MA

That would be almost as funny as yelling like KG every time you order food at a restaurant!  Sick idea, bro

And here it is, as mentioned in the comments to one of my Midnight Run posts:

Q: I don't want to bad-mouth Midnight Run, but to claim "No movie used more f-bombs more effectively than Midnight Run" took me aback. Have you not seen The Big Lebowski?

—Eric S., St. Peters, MO

SG: Still haven't seen that movie. My buddy Gus believes everyone should have one movie that you've never seen just because it infuriates and perplexes everyone you know that you haven't seen it. His movie is E.T. He's never seen it. 

That was an awesome "movie I've never seen" to have never seen in 1991.  Probably infuriated and perplexed everyone Gus met at that Color Me Badd concert.  These days, I wouldn't think he's getting much mileage out of it.

This infuriates and perplexes me. For me, it's Rebowski. Er. Lebowski? Is it Rebowski or Lebowski? I wouldn't know because I've never seen it.

DIE

Q: In your "Overrated/Underrated/Properly Rated" podcast with Wesley Morris, you debated how to rate Jodie Foster's career against Meryl Streep's career. 

Woo!  Sports!  And if not sports, pop culture that people definitely care about!

Streep is probably the most similar to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

It would be a waste of Blogger's pixels to copy and paste the rest of that.

SG: I like it because Wesley overrates Foster's Accused/Lambs peak 

And yes, he answered it.  With like 500 words.  And an equation to be used to numerically determine who our greatest living actor or actress is.  This guy can make almost anything unfun and tedious with his magical superpowers of fauxnalysis.

Sorry, Al Pacino — you missed the cutoff by one point. Hoo-ah!

NAILED IT!

Q: I had a dream last night about a cricket-playing cat called Toby. Toby was like the Babe Ruth of cat cricket, I mean he made the other cats in the cat cricket league look like they were kittens. He even had an epic five-minute YouTube montage of his greatest shots that I watched several times. And the worst feeling about waking up wasn't realizing that it was all a dream, but realizing that I couldn't send you a link and tell you about Toby, the Babe Ruth of cat cricket.

—Jonathan Gault, Syracuse

SG: I've learned to see through transparent attempts to become the last e-mail of the mailbag.

Worst part about that question: all of it, or just the fact that the dude used that particular pseudonym?  And I have to unsarcastically acknowledge Bill here.  It's bad enough that he does that LOL MY READERS LOL thing still, but it's worse that he probably gets 250 emails a week trying to be the person that writes that email but failing, which is like trying to punch yourself in the face and instead falling down and breaking your arm.

Q: Pick one musical act for the New York Super Bowl halftime: Jay-Z, Bruce, Bon Jovi or the debut of the Frank Sinatra hologram?

—Chris Agar, Felton, DE

I love Bruce, but his 2009 halftime performance was a letdown.  And then SIXBURGH beat the poor Cardinals in the last 30 seconds after the Cardinals mounted that awesome comeback.  Overall, a night full of letdowns.

SG: I guess I need more clarity … are we considering this a New York Super Bowl or a New Jersey Super Bowl? (Maybe America should vote on this?) 

What a horrible idea!

If it's a New York Super Bowl, then I vote for Jay Z performing with the Sinatra hologram. If it's a Jersey Super Bowl, I vote for Bruce and Bon Jovi performing together as Chris Christie eats pasta in the background with a Gandolfini hologram.

I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY UNDERSTOOD THE POINT OF YOUR QUESTION!

But if we're considering this a New York–New Jersey Super Bowl — a joint collaboration, if you will — then nothing less than a Jay Z–Springsteen combo would suffice. 

I AM THE ARBITER OF ALL THINGS NEW YORK!

We might as well go all-out because right around the second quarter — when it's 18 degrees and every Super Bowl spectator is in full-fledged WTF mode — we're going to collectively decide that no cold-weather city should ever host a Super Bowl again.

I told you he was turning into Peter King.

ThMTMQR: I finally beat Big Daddy Balls to it

He's been running an Easterbrook bit in his Thursday Jambaroo regularly this year. Two or three times this fall I've been all ready to tackle TMQ on Friday, and then been like "Oh... that's right." [/sad Charlie Brown music plays] At least he's pretty good at it. I guess that's to be assumed when he, you know, writes dick jokes for a living. Anyways, this week, I'm back. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

Mooooooo … that's the sound the Houston Texans' logo made as the team was roped and branded by the New England Patriots on "Monday Night Football."

That is the sound all cows make at all times. Congratulations. You are a children's book about farm animals. Thank you for the gripping intro. 

The New England defense exceeded expectations in its 42-14 blowout, using a college-style "50 front" to frustrate Houston stretch plays on expected run downs, then rushing five on expected passing downs. 

RUSHING FIVE? LUNACY, THAT'S A BLITZ, THEY MUST HAVE GIVEN UP A JILLION POINTS 

In 2007, the Patriots set the NFL's single-season scoring record, averaging 37 points per game. This year's New England offense is nearly as good, averaging 36 points per game. By some measures this year's Patriots are superior -- plus-24 for turnovers 

A stat equal parts offense and defense, so good job proving your point so far. I see you have cleverly edited the previous half sentence to not include the word "offense." The rest of the paragraph is about New England's offense, as is your thesis. I have not been fooled. 

versus plus-16 in 2007, 28 first downs per game versus 25 per in 2007. The 2007 New England offense featured quick-strike deep passes; the 2012 iteration is seventh in the NFL in rushing, and therefore controls the ball better. New England is on pace for 444 first downs. The current record, set by New Orleans in 2011, is 411.

But which offense has the best turnover margin?  I will nitpick bullshit like this until I fall asleep on my keyboard. 

Right now, the New England offense rules the NFL. Yet it starts more undrafted free agents (Wes Welker, Ryan Wendell, Danny Woodhead) than first-round choices (Nate Solder, Logan Mankins). The quarterback is a sixth-round selection who ousted the first overall choice in the draft. 

Oh my God, who gives a fuck? Sorry Drew Bledsoe. If only you had been drafted 247th overall, you might have had a chance to make a positive impact in this league. 

Against Houston, the Patriots got long touchdown catches from two players shown the door by the rest of the league (Brandon Lloyd, cut by four teams; 

At the time they acquired him he was a season removed from leading the league in receiving. The fact that the Redskins (rightfully, by the way) cut him in like 2003 means absolutely nothing.

Donte' Stallworth, cut by five teams). 

In one case, because he murdered a man with his car. 

How does the New England offense do it? 

It's a fucking mystery, isn't it? Let's see. They have the best coach in the league. They have one of the best quarterbacks in the league, who, yes, was a late bloomer and thus was not drafted in the first round. They also have Danny Woodhead, who sucks, and shouldn't be starting anywhere, but fortunately the Patriots only need him to get like five change of pace touches per game. So I think we know who deserves the credit here. 

Watch Patriots line film, and what you won't see is an offensive lineman standing around doing nothing. 

Unless you are watching Bears line film, that statement holds true for every team in the league. 

On almost any NFL snap, even on good teams, there's at least one offensive lineman who brushed his man then just stood there looking at the play. 

No. That is patently untrue. You're making things up and presenting them as fact. I hope you fall down an elevator shaft.

From many years of staring at the New England offense, your columnist is convinced this is its most fundamental advantage. 

Your columnist is a complete and utter diptard. He is a zilch. He knows as much about football as he does about tenths of seconds. 

Everybody runs slants, curls and hitches like the Patriots do; many teams have sophisticated, accurate quarterbacks like Tom Brady; alone in the NFL, the New England Patriots have offensive linemen who never stand around doing nothing. This is an edge any team could seek. Only the Patriots have attained it. 

Watch the sure-to-be-awful Raiders vs. Chiefs game this Sunday. You will see dozens and dozens of plays in which all five offensive linemen are trying their hardest to block a defensive player. You will see a small handful in which the defense only rushed three, or called a weird overload blitz that the offensively did not properly anticipate and slide towards, and subsequently an offensive lineman was left with no one to block, yes, standing there, doing nothing. (PSSST: this sometimes happens to the Patriots too.)  Try to keep your brains from exploding out of your ears.

The New England offense is so confident and proficient that often the primary receiver isn't covered by anyone. Against the Jets on Thanksgiving, no one covered Welker -- one of football's all-time most productive receivers -- at the goal line. Against Houston, no one covered Hernandez at the goal line. The football gods are smiling on this offense.

No, they are not. The Belichick is a great coach and Hernandez and Gronkowski (UH OH! WATCH OUT FOR HIGH DRAFTED GLORY BOYS!) are completely nasty realities are more important than the football gods.

Sweet College Plays of the Week: The Redskins and Packers continue to use college-style pistol sets. Cincinnati used a pure-college series against the Cowboys. First the Bengals lined up in a pistol and ran an end-around for 37 yards; then threw a quick bubble screen; then ran the speed shovel in which the quarterback takes the snap and immediately flips it forward to a runner crossing in front of him. Touchdown. Was that Cincinnati or the University of Cincinnati? 

I don't know, but I'm sure high drafted megabucks glory boys Robert Griffin III, Aaron Rodgers and Andy Dalton should be ashamed of themselves for some reason.

Colin Kaepernick ran 50 yards for the icing touchdown against Miami off a zone-read fake. Do the Forty Niners play in the NFC West or the MAC? Against Atlanta, Cam Newton

The ultimate high drafted megabucks glory boy! There are so many stories out there about Newton being a royal piece of shit to everyone he meets that they can't all be wrong. I'm surprised Gregg can even bear to type his name.

lined up in a college-style backfield with a tailback on one side and a fullback on the other, faked to the tailback going right on a zone-read, then ran left behind a "wham" block by the fullback, legging it 72 yards for a touchdown.

While telling a cancer-stricken child to pony up $50 if he wants an autograph while pushing a little old lady into traffic.

Sweet 'N' Sour Plays No. 1: Washington trailed visiting Baltimore 28-20, and had third-and-5 on the Ravens' 11 with 36 ticks showing in what turned out to be regulation. Phenom RG III just left the game hurt. Fellow rookie quarterback Kirk Cousins saw a defense that was expecting a super-short pass from a confused rookie. Nine Baltimore defenders were close to the line of scrimmage, just two in the deep field. Washington sent out four receivers; Baltimore rushed four, meaning seven to cover four; both Baltimore cornerbacks were in man-on-man, meaning five Ravens to cover the other two receivers. Pierre Garçon ran a down-and-out, touchdown. Then, a surprise quarterback draw for two, the game heads to overtime and Washington victory. Tout sweet!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sour for Baltimore was that cornerback Chris Johnson, assigned to man coverage on Garçon, simply stood there and let him run past. Johnson was busy making the high school mistake of looking into the backfield trying to guess the play, rather than staying glued to his man. But check the opposite side! Josh Morgan ran a down-and-in, and also was open -- because cornerback Cary Williams was making the high school mistake of looking into the backfield trying to guess the play. Meanwhile, three Baltimore defensive backs are covering no one at all. Both Baltimore corners acted like they were in short zones, releasing deep routes to safeties; the other Baltimore defensive backs acted like the cornerbacks were supposed to be in man. Whomever screwed up -- tout sour.

Yes, I have sour news for you Gregg, sour news you seem to have anticipated given the way your story changed at the end of that item. Johnson and Williams WERE playing zone. It was probably a blown coverage by someone in the Baltimore secondary--I haven't seen the play enough times to know who it was--but you can take your "peeking into the backfield like a stupid high schooler who hopes to be drafted in the first round one day" story and cram it. Besides, Johnson is a twice cut 7th round draft choice, and Williams is a twice cut 7th round draft choice from small college Washburn! Those guys couldn't possibly be at fault.

Would You Like Fries with That? Science magazine reported the world's adults weigh a combined 287 million tons, which works out to the weight of 17,000 Ohio-class submarines.

Thank you so much. I now have a line to use to get laid this weekend.

America's dietary habits cannot be blamed on "food deserts" -- places where fresh fruits and vegetables cannot be obtained -- since the food desert theory turns out not to be true.

Doubly laid.

Maybe Khan Thought the "Punter" Is Like the "Bowler" In Cricket:

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Nothing like HAHA THEY CALL THINGS DIFFERENT THINGS IN BRITAIN humor.

Despite entering the contest 2-10, the Jaguars sold out Sunday's game against the Jets. The obvious reason was the return of hometown boy Tim Tebow, who dressed but, recovering from a rib injury, was a DNP. If a packed house in the Jacksonville area would pay just to watch Tebow wander around the sideline, imagine if he were a member of the Jaguars.
This makes it worth bearing in mind that in the offseason the Jaguars, perennially low in NFL attendance, passed on a chance to trade for Tebow. He was available for Jacksonville's third draft choice, which instead was spent on punter Bryan Anger.

GLORY PUNTER!

He's playing OK. But a losing team that lacks support really needed a punter more than the most popular local football player in a generation? New owner Shahid Khan was billed as a master of sports marketing. 

Attendance matters less in the NFL than in any other pro league, because of the national TV contracts and revenue sharing that guarantee every team a shitload of money no matter what. I don't disagree that Jacksonville maybe should have traded for Tebow to keep the team from being relocated to Los Angeles in the near future (or maybe Khan wants to move them, who the fuck knows), but at the same time, it's pretty likely that punter has done more to help them win than Tebow could have done. He would have been like a less accurate version of Blaine Gabbert.

But why were the Seahawks throwing deep in the fourth quarter, leading 51-0? Why did they throw deep to the end zone on fourth-and-23 with a 51-point margin? The spot on the fourth-and-23 was at Arizona's 32 -- too close to punt, and a field goal is a bit insulting. The sportsmanlike gesture would have been to run the ball up the middle. Is there some history between Pete Carroll and Ken Whisenhunt? Otherwise Carroll was a sore winner, and that sort of thing comes back to haunt you.

One of Gregg's old favorites. Seattle will not win the Super Bowl this year, and when they bow out in the divisional round, the story Gregg will pitch to white Christian men over the age of 50 is that things happened that way because they ran up the score on a team that was going to allow garbage time TDs even if Seattle tried taking a knee. The real reason would be that the Seahawks aren't good enough to win the Super Bowl. If you are a moron, you nodded in silent agreement when you read Gregg's theory, and you probably like the smell of your own shit.

Be patient with this next one. It's a doozy.

And on the Seventh Day, God Asked for a Refund: Since Washington politicians want to avoid dealing with the federal deficit, why not use time debating the origin of the universe? Republican bright light and possible 2016 presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) recently said about the origin of the cosmos: "I don't think I'm qualified to answer a question like that. There are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in seven days, or seven actual eras, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to answer that." This caused commentators to recall that in 2008, Barack Obama, then a presidential candidate, said, "I believe God created the universe and that the six days in the Bible may not be six days as we understand it. It may not be 24-hour days, and that's what I believe."
Obviously a politician asked a question like this is trying to come down firmly on both sides, seeming to endorse science and religion both. Saying that the six days of Genesis may be a metaphor for a far longer period seems a reaction to a sense that an entire universe could not have been created in just 144 hours.
But why not? 

Lots of reasons.

If God is omnipotent, there's no barrier to a very rapid creation.

If God is omnipotent, he does not give a shit about time as we know it.  It does not apply to him.

The Bible is best understood as an accurate record of actual events -- 

Parts of it, maybe. I don't think Genesis is one of those parts.

it may not be, 

Most of it is definitely not.  The rest of it is pretty much not.

but that's the way the Bible is best understood. 

UNLESS YOU'RE A JEW! Oops, anti-Gregg joke doesn't really work here, but the point is that Gregg likes to say anti-Semitic things. 

Other biblical references to days are to regular 24-hour days. Why shouldn't the six days of the creation also be regular 24-hour days? 

I know this blog stretches the credibility of superlatives on a regular basis, but I'm pretty sure that's the stupidest thing Gregg has ever said.

The Football Gods Chortled: New Orleans gained 487 offensive yards, and lost by 25 points.

Such chortling! You have a horrible defense, New Orleans!  Ho ho ho ho!  The football gods suck taint.

In addition to being a promise-breaker, Bielema speaks of himself using the royal We, saying as he slunk out of Wisconsin, "We gave them three straight Big Ten championships." He wasn't referring to the Badgers, he was referring to himself. Right ho, Your Majesty!

Yeah, no one likes a self-important pretentious person!  Especially not Gregg "Kettle" Easterbrook!

As for the University of Arkansas, it hired Bobby Petrino, a known promise-breaker. Petrino signed a new contract with Louisville, then walked out; he signed with the Falcons, then walked out; he broke his vows to his wife. Bringing in a promise-breaker in Petrino led to fiasco at Arkansas.

Petrino's problem at Arkansas was stupidity, not weaselness. If he had the brains to keep his affair properly under wraps--a feat that I'm sure dozens of big time FBS coaches manage to accomplish every single year--he'd still be at Arkansas. He'd still be a huge piece of dog shit, but he'd be successfully coaching. Just saying.

Bielema broke his word to his previous employer, so what makes anyone think he will keep his word to Arkansas?

Because Arkansas is in the SEC, and is happy to pay its coach more than anyone else (except NFL teams, I suppose) can?

TMQ's Law of Weasel Coaches holds: When you hire a coach who's only in it for himself, you get a coach who's only in it for himself. When will the University of Arkansas learn to hire someone of character? 

How's that whole weasel coach hiring working out for you, Notre Dame? What about you, Alabama? Thought so. Maybe next time around each of you will learn your lesson: nothing good comes of hiring a coach who walked out on his last job to take yours.

TMQ has always liked that the Book of Mormon, pace the King James Bible, is published in 17th century English, a language no one spoke in the times being depicted. Though, maybe angels speak 17th century English. 

AT LEAST IT'S NOT IN HEBREW. There we go, I think that one actually works.

Beware of Armored Locusts -- Sorry, Wrong Prophecy: In a sign that the Mayans were right about December 2012, the Washington Wizards, worst team in the NBA, beat the Miami Heat, best team. 

And a few weeks after Gregg's wholly and utterly idiotic dissection of everything that's wrong with the Wizards. He knows less about basketball than he knows about football, which is wild when you think about it.

The Football Gods Chortled No. 2: A month ago your columnist warned, "The Bears have been winning on turnovers, and turnover luck has a way of changing."

Except that Chicago has been winning on turnovers for nearly a decade now, placing in the top quarter of the league in takeaways seven out of the last eight years. But thanks for the football analysis version of WELL YOU CAN'T WIN NO BALLGAMES WAITING FOR THE DANG THREE RUN HOMER.

Now Chicago has lost four of five, and in that span not scored a defensive touchdown. Turnovers are great, but contain a hefty quotient of luck. 

Unless you have one of the best defenses in the league, anchored by one of the best pass rushes in the league. But let's go ahead and pretend/be to fucking dense to realize that the Bears have been losing because their offensive line is a complete abomination.

On the list of Most Disappointing is "Prometheus," which was so poorly done there's nothing to be gained by making fun of it.

What? No 4,000 word explanation of all the parts that are not scientifically realistic? Gregg is getting lazy.  Glory columnist.

Azzan Yadin-Israel of Highland Park, N.J., notes that the San Francisco-Miami game was Bush versus Gore "and very close at Bush 65, Gore 63. At least the Supreme Court did not decide the winner."

The political gods chortled!

Next Week: Shahid Khan calls the Jaguars' 2-11 record "a bit of a sticky wicket."

Kill yourself.

Jon Heyman shows us the funny

What... what happened here? Reading this made me feel like I stumbled upon a grisly crime scene. Why did he write this? Who edited it? Who approved it for publication? We've seen a lot of terrible attempts at humor but I think this might be the first time I've seen Heyman try his luck at an entire column that is all jokes. Holy God, what a blimp crash.

The Angels didn't attribute the firing of hitting coach Mickey Hatcher after 12-plus years of service to the wishes of their new well-paid singles hitter Albert Pujols. But if these type of changes keep happening, well, we we all suspect that you know who is the one who's really in charge.

Cue up Yakety Sax and whoopie cushion sounds.

Nine Signs Light-Hitting Infielder Albert Pujols is Running the Angels
1. The traditional long-running team insignia, the halo, is replaced by an arch.

GET IT??????

Instead of a halo being alighted on days the Angels win, the arch will glow whenever Pujols gets a ball out of the infield.

Joke #1 about how Albert misses St. Louis, which, besides just being dumb and hacky, also makes little sense given the fact that Pujols seemed perfectly happy to leave the Cardinals. If reports came out that he agonized over the decision, ultimately went with LAA because of family reasons or something, and then was on record as saying it was devastating for him to walk out on the Cardinals, this would merely be a bad attempt at humor based on the assumption that people think replacing the Angels' giant halo with something else would be hilarious. Instead it is both that and not founded in reality, making it even more obtuse. If we start Off to a great start.

2. CIA agents are hired to ensure no sensitive information is leaked from team meetings such as precisely which player proclaimed the team would turn it around.

On one hand, the fact that Pujols was mad about Hatcher's "betrayal" is a little lame considering that Hatcher didn't leak any information that was sensitive or important to the press. (Hey look, this joke actually is founded in reality!) On the other (correct) hand, what Hatcher did was still plenty stupid and plenty unnecessary, considering it pissed off the team's franchise player. And btw HAW HAW HAW CIA AGENTS THAT'S RICH

3. Fans entering Angels stadium will be met by a greeter saying "Bienvenido,'' an homage to Pujols' famous softball-playing father Bienvenido Pujols.

*game show buzzer* *second louder buzzer for racism* Hey, Pujols's dad's name means a word in his native language! You've never met a white guy named "Welcome" have you? Didn't think so.

4. The spread will now be catered by Pujols 5, the St. Louis restaurant.

Joke #2 about how Albert misses St. Louis. And I hate to critique all these jokes with the all caps thing I mostly stole from Drew Magary, because that makes me barely more funny than Jon, but I can't think of a better way to tear down garbage like this than HAW HAW IT'S HIS RESTAURANT, BUT FROM HIS OLD TEAM SO HE PROBABLY LIKES THE FOOD EVEN THOUGH IT'S FROM THE OLD TEAM

Look, I know most of you reading could do better, I'm hardly George Carlin or Chris Rock here. The all caps overexplain the joke bit is all I've got right now. roll with me. I've had a horrific week.

5. The bench coach henceforth serves a dual role as caddy for the avid golfer Albert.

*game show buzzer* Doesn't Rick Reilly have intellectual property rights on all terrible humor that involves golf?

6. The new team name is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Dominican Republic by way of Kansas City.

No buzzer- this is the only joke on this list I will somewhat partially tolerate (relative to the rest of this urea) because "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" is pretty fucking stupid, and whichever marketing whiz came up with it should be beaten with a tire iron.

7. The trade is finally complete: Mike Trout, Peter Bourjos, Erick Aybar, Mark Trumbo, Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, C.J. Wilson, Jordan Walden, Hank Conger and the entire roster of the Salt Lake Bees for Yadier Molina.

THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN

Joke #3 about the team/town that Pujols claims to not miss at all.

8. Agent Dan Lozano is given his own $10-million personal services contract.

This is an incredibly idiotic joke, but the "LOL FAVORITISM TOWARDS AGENTS" aspect is pretty great coming from a guy who spends a good bit of his offseason column space carrying water for the biggest and most powerful agent in the game.

9. Introducing the new manager of the Angels, Jose Oquendo.

Joke #4 premised on a thing that does not exist. But you know what, how great would it be if Pujols got legendary cocktug Mike Scoscia fired? I'm in favor of any sequence of events that produces that outcome.

In conclusion Jon Heyman is probably slightly worse at writing jokes than Bill Simmons.

Memo to ESPN: This is Not Acceptable

The sooner crap like this stops, the less likely it is I punch a hole through my laptop screen. (And to be fair, it's certainly not just ESPN.) Here's a fucking suggestion guys: how about "Netherlands Wins." How about "Dutch Advance to World Cup Final." How about anything but using a painful stretch of a pun to reference a movie that has nothing to do with the World Cup, the Netherlands, Uruguay, soccer, or sports.



Cockgobblers. Stop trying to be fucking clever for a day or two and just give me some sports news. You don't need to spice it up and stylize it. If I want that kind play-on-words shit, I'll just watch some old tyme TV programs.

You are not Clever. Shut Up and Go Away

Mark Jackson, talking over a replay of a Kobe Bryant fadeaway during tonight's game:

And the question is, Ko-be or not Ko-be?

No. That's not the question. It has nothing to do with the basket Bryant just scored. That wouldn't even "be the question" if Bryant were onstage somewhere, performing Shakespeare. Go into a cave somewhere and don't come out.


Since this is a super lazy and short post, let's add some variety! This is an incredibly badass article. No sarcasm. Read it. It totally doesn't suck. Long story short, the commissioner of the Big 10 is an evil genius and the commissioner of the Big 12 is a complete fucking moron. Spicy stuff.

No One Has Posted In a While. Better Pick on Simmons to Make Up for It, I Guess

As always, the standard Simmons post disclaimer applies: yes, I am extremely jealous of him. I only pick on him because I want to be him. In fact, I have a Bill Simmons cardboard cutout in my room. Right next to my Bill Simmons poster, and a signed copy of every book he's ever written. In fact, as I type this post from my parents' basement, I'm wearing my Bill Simmons pajamas. Because he's the funniest and best sportswriter ever.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, a Boston reader named Zeke S. slapped some sense into me last week: "Simmons, you know that there are children who haven't seen a mailbag by you all decade!?!?!?"

Bill Simmons and the sycophants who enable him, everyone! As usual, I won't link his column. Find it yourself if you want to, and would rather read about pop culture than sports.

Re: the AFC Championship Game

What shocked me most: I was sitting there expecting Manning to come through … a player I always assumed would choke in big moments as recently as four years ago.

Of course you did. Because you're a stupid clod who is constantly making up rules, and manifestos, and guidelines, and fucking whatever else you can to help you try to predict the future. Because you're smart! There MUST be a formula out there for picking winners, there's GOTTA be one! If anyone can figure it out, it's you! There MUST be a way to help us predict with certainty what a QB will do every single time he faces a high pressure situation in the playoffs! The best part is that you never can quite figure out that there isn't a gambling manifesto to be written, and there isn't a way to be sure a QB will do X or Y under pressure. So you keep guessing and prognosticating, year after year after year. It's a complete and total train wreck. And I love it. I can't wait for him to fail at predicting anything and everything next NFL season. Looking forward to it already.

There's a bunch more stuff in here fluffing Manning (relative to Brees), and I'd love to include it in this post since the Saints just finished off the Colts, but that'd be kind of lame. If I were going to pick on him for that I should have done it before the game. Needless to say, his Super Bowl prediction was... wrong. Completely. And based on the idea that Manning, literally the only player in the game to make a crucial mistake, was too good to bet against. Now, am I saying Manning is a choky choke artist who always chokes under pressure because he's a choker who makes the Peyton face? Of course not. In general, I'd bet on him in a game against pretty much anyone. But if any team was going to beat his, it was one QBed by someone on his level, with an opportunistic defense that took risks to generate turnovers. I am smart and Bill Simmons is a tard. The end. Let's get on to the rest of the crap in his mailbag.

Q: Where does Mike Dunleavy stepping down rank in your greatest moments as a Clippers season-ticket holder?
--Dan, St. Paul, Minn.

You know what really killed Dunleavy? The 2009-10 Portland Trail Blazers. He couldn't rope Donald Sterling and L.A.'s front office into the whole "we'd be doing great if we didn't have all these injuries!" excuse for the fourth time in seven years as the decimated Blazers keep chugging along toward 50 wins while losing a key guy every other week.

Yeah, that must have been it. Comparisons between his team and another team in a different division dealing with a totall different injury-related situation. Sterling wasn't really focused too much on the Clippers and their problems, independently; he was a lot more worried about whether they were playing like the Blazers. Or the Bucks. Or some team with a bunch of injuries in the Italian league. This is like saying "Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions related to the JFK assassination, but you know what's really crazy about it? No one knows what Kennedy had for breakfast that day."

Q: Since the Clippers removed Dunleavy from coaching, I would love it if you could compare your jubilation, relief, and/or excitement to a movie scene. Are we talking "Shawshank" when Andy has made it out of the sewer pipe? "Goonies" when they rip up the contract? Lots of places to go here.
--Greg, Haddam, Conn.

More enabling. Die, Greg. I think a lot of my hatred for Simmons would fade if he didn't have such a giant army of loyal assholes encouraging him at every turn to keep doing the same tired and unimaginative shit he's been doing for the past X years. Say Bill, when the Patriots got buttfucked by the Ravens in the playoffs this year, could you compare it to a moment in Red Sox history between 1951 and 2003? And reference Jersey Shore in the same paragraph? Thanks. Signed, some jagmo from New Hampshire.

I found out about Dunleavy in a fairly memorable way -- while driving from Washington to Miami with my buddy House for the Audi Efficiency Challenge. (Note: Our 14-hour journey raised $20,000 for the Red Cross in Haiti. I drove the first 700 miles before coming out to a standing ovation.

THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY LIKE ME! EVERYONE LIKES ME! Where was the meteor that cheering crowd of Simmonsites so desperately deserved?

Q: Troy Aikman's dull monotone must be exactly the same as Hannibal Lecter talking to Miggs before he killed himself.
--Mike W., Louisville

SG: (dull monotone) You're exactly right, Mike.

Hey-ohhhh! Movie reference, right back at you, Mike! YOUR MOVE.

By the way, did you ever consider the parallels between the Klitschkos destroying heavyweight boxing and the Williams sisters destroying women's tennis? Name me your favorite heavyweight fight of the last 10 years. You can't. Name me your favorite women's tennis match of the past 10 years. You can't.

That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read.

Re: the possibility that Kevin Garnett is injured beyond repair, after he wasted his prime in Minnesota and only at the end of his run played for a decent team

Can you complain if you're a Celtics fan? Of course not.

But of course you're about to.

They won a title and vindicated that mega-trade. At the same time, it's a little sobering that what should have been a four- or five-year run may have lasted only 16 months. Of course …

Of course you're about to complain.

Q: If you could go back in time "Lost"-style and fix the 2007 lottery so the Celtics landed the second pick, would you keep what happened (No. 5 pick, KG trade, 2008 title, everything else that happened up to now), or would you switch it so that they ended up with the No. 2 pick and Durant?
--Dr. Bill Simmons, Boston

Wow. When he can't find any readers to enable him, he simply enables himself with a pompous "pseudonym."

SG: OK, I fibbed that one. My dad asked me that on the phone this week. And we both came to the same conclusion pretty quickly: You'd have to go with Durant.

Of course. Because winning a title isn't enough. I'll give him this, though- he nailed that Durant/Oden thing. Probably. Almost definitely.

And if you remember, the 2007 Celts had a decent nucleus in place already (Al Jefferson, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, the rights to Minnesota's No. 1) and easily could have turned a couple of those assets into Pau Gasol a couple of months later.

Gasol + Brian Scalabrine = double the number of white guys on the Celtics roster! That's really what this is about.

Q: How is it possible that Greg Oden beat out Ron Artest to become the first NBA player to have naked pictures show up on the Internet? If Vegas had odds on this, what would they have been? I'm thinking Artest at 6:5, Oden more like 38,901,257:1.
--Frank, Long Island

SG: Agreed. Total shocker. Although it did allow me to make the "they weren't kidding when they said Oden's legs were different sizes" joke. And look, I hate to cry conspiracy here, but have you ever noticed that every time a photograph or sex tape gets leaked of a naked male celebrity -- I have to put this gently -- it turns out that the guy had nothing to be ashamed of? Why aren't any of these guys ever built like the guy who pops out of the trunk in "The Hangover"? It's an amazing ongoing "coincidence."

Bill, you have a tiny penis. Everyone else just looks big by comparison. Man, I'm getting really lowbrow here. I'm not proud of it. But this is the kind of thing that happens when I realize no one has posted in a while, and I go to ESPN's front page to find something to pick apart.

SG: That's not a good sign for the Oscar hopes of "Avatar" -- that two reality stars ended up being the highlight of your night. But I'm glad you brought up "Jersey Shore."

Of course you are. You know nothing about sports outside of the NBA (which you don't know that much about in the first place) and the Red Sox/Yankees.

Q: Why is Brett Favre's career better than Kurt Warner's again? Every single statistic that is a "rate" favors Warner as well as career QB rating. Favre playoff record: 12-10. Warner playoff record: 8-3. Why do we stalk Favre's land manor every winter and we're going to let Warner go in peace?
--Dan, New York

SG: Because people care about Brett Favre.

Question comprehension fail.

Q: Remember when Rex Ryan was screaming at the officials during the AFC Championship Game (but we couldn't hear what he was saying)? This is what we yelled at the TV. "I SAID TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER!" "WHO ORDERED THAT SALAD?!?" "SLOPPY JOES!" I would have to say that everybody watching across America probably said something to that effect. What else would have been funny?
--Neal, Seattle

SG: I'm going with "Get in my belly!!!!" or "Get … in … my … belllllllllly!"

Like that character from that movie that was relevant ten years ago! I'm pretty sure Bill is on the writing staff for those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Awful Parody Movie movies. LOL WE'RE DOING THE SAME THINGS THEY'RE DOING IN THE ORIGINAL, BUT MORE SILLIER!

Q: Imagine if LeBron started a complete new trend starting in 2010 where he just decided, "Eff it, I'm winning a ring EVERY year" and signed one-year contracts EVERY YEAR for the biggest contender with cap space that could afford him. In true LeBron style, he begins a completely new type of superstar -- the "Superstar Hitman." It's as if we could have the 2010 LeBron sweepstakes EVERY YEAR! Can you imagine?
--Chris S., Brisbane, Australia

SG: Don't laugh -- you might see a modified version of that.

OK, there's no doubt that the NBA and its union are heading into some seriously choppy seas. There might be a strike, or a lockout, and there will certainly be a new CBA with some new rules in it. But this email reminds me of the column Bill put out last year in which he surmised that something like 10 NBA teams would contract within the next couple of years. Man, I need to go back and find that for a good laugh. Classic Simmons- take a somewhat interesting topic- make up a bunch of bullshit to go around it- come to a ridiculous conclusion which makes no sense and really exposes your ignorance and hubris- publish- profit. God I love America.

I Beat All of You to It. Suck It.

This is a big, fucking, flagrant red flag. If you ever want a recipe for how not to write an article, aspiring sports journalists, this is it. Courtesy of everyone's favorite old guy tryin' to relate to the younguns, Gene Wojciechowski.

Jeter the name that matters
If Yankees' captain ever ended up on positive test list, baseball's done

The Essence of Beauty would never!!!! What an unholy thing to even suggest!

But in all honesty, Gene's right. If Jeter comes up dirty, attendance at Marlins games is going to fucking plummet.

BRONX BOMBSHELL: DEREK JETER SAYS HE USED STEROIDS

Well, what would you do if ESPN interrupted your regularly scheduled programming for that one?

I would laugh, have a beer, call 20 people, say "ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG!!!!! Baseball must be dead now!", and in all honesty, I would probably have to take a week's vacation and do nothing but write on this website. Remember when Eck won the World Series MVP award? Multiply that by 54. It would be an apocalyptic barrage of Wojciechowski-quality writing.

Would it be enough to make you shred your season tickets,

....for a team I root for that has zero players ever linked to steroids.

douse your baseball cards with charcoal fluid

Douse my whatball whats? It's 1991, right?

and delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list?

I'd log on and do that Gene, except I'm too busy Tweetering while listening to Lady Googoo on my newfangled iPhonical Mobile Music n' SpeakToPeople device. Thanks for keeping with the times!

I am about 60% sure that Gene Wojciechowski thinks it's possible to be friends with "baseball" on Facebook.

If I ever see Jeter's name attached to the hip of performance enhancers, I'm done. I mean it -- I'll never watch another big league game again.

Why not just hold up a gigantic sign that says "I, Gene Wojciechowski, am the worst fan of anything in the history of things and people."

Because if Captain Pinstripes could do the Vitamin S deed, then anybody can.

Huh. You have a point there, Gene. There's no reason to be suspicious of Craig Counsell right now, but boy howdy, if that there Jeter's guilty, we can't trust anyone!

Jeter's name is where I draw the line in the PED sand.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's repeat ourselves for 8 straight sentences!

He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing.

Really? What about like, Craig Counsell?

It seems so, well, beneath him.

I trust that Gene personally knows Jeter well enough to make this claim. It can't be that he's just salivating over The Essence of Beauty.

He is the one player who I actually think would walk away from the game if he thought he had to cheat to compete.

The only one. Really. You think that of the 750 guys on Major League rosters, that Derek Jeter is the only one capable of achieving that level of "morality".

You are an idiot.

To me, Jeter is the anti-Barry Bonds, the anti-Roger Clemens and the anti-Alex Rodriguez. He understands that if you compromise the game, you compromise yourself.

It's very easy to make stuff up and then publish it!

Bonds, who didn't need to cheat but did anyway, was undone by an ego the size of Alcatraz.

Fair.

Clemens, the pathological liar who tries to intimidate people into believing his gum-wrapper-thin explanations, cheated because he was "The Rocket'' and you're not.

Clemens, the [description of Clemens], cheated because [I don't have anything to say about Roger Clemens, nor do I have any clue why he did it, so I'm just going to type "because he was 'The Rocket' and you're not" and hope that people ignore it and keep reading].

And A-Rod, overpowered by the need to please and justify his historic contract, copped to at least three seasons of PED use -- but only after lying about it for years and only after he was cornered by the truth.

See? Nice and factual. He made you forget all about that awful Clemens line. Sneaky little devil......

Not Jeter. I can see him marrying Mariah Carey before I see him squirming in front of a Congressional hearing with the lawyered-up Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire.

Because he wouldn't be squirming. Imagine him standing in front of Congress, with those calm eyes cutting through the souls of every corrupt politician in the room, saying, "I've never taken steroids." Is there a poor sap in the joint that wouldn't believe him? Of course not. HE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!

Jeter would never put himself in that position. At least, that's what I want to believe.

So at least you admit that this is based purely on your personal conjecture, and not on any real evidence that Jeter is innocent.

Then again, I wanted to believe it with his New York Yankees teammate, A-Rod. More than anything, I wanted to believe in the integrity of Rodriguez's numbers.

You know, that Pujols fellow is being a tad overlooked. It's articles like this that make the man simultaneously the best player in the world and underrated. Why don't you write an article wondering if the best player in baseball is clean?

I'm not a Yankees honk.

A Yankees....what?

In fact, I want to scrape my ears with a steel-haired barbecue grill brush every time I hear play-by-play man John Sterling do that grating, "Thhhhhhhhhhhhe Yankees win!'' thing. But how can you not admire the way Jeter treats his craft? He is the template for baseball professionalism.

What does Derek Jeter do to deserve this label that like, Grady Sizemore does not?

That's why I'd need a year's worth of Dr. Oz therapy sessions if it turns out Jeter did the steroids deed. And I'm not the only one.

You know, the word "hyperbole" is thrown around a lot these days......

Yankees fans would go into permanent mourning if Jeter betrayed them. A-Rod's steroids admission they could handle; he was a free-agent import. Jeter, though, was born and raised by the organization.

Yankees fans would. Padres fans would not. Baseball would survive. I'm getting sick of this.

You think Yankees and you think Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, Munson, Reggie and Jeter.

And Brosius, and Spencer, and JETER, and Williams, and JETER and Martinez, and, and David Cone, and JETER JETER JETER ZOMG I LOVE JETER HE GIVES ME TEH BIGGEST JOYGASMS EVERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine if Albert Pujols, the man who eventually replaced McGwire at first base, was a syringe enthusiast? City officials would have to set up a baseball suicide prevention clinic at Busch Stadium. Cards fans adore Pujols.

There it is.

A Jeter steroids admission would be the deal-breaker for me. Pujols, too. If those guys went pharmaceutical, I couldn't go to a big league game if Bud Selig paid me.

Again....you don't seem to like baseball.

Ken Griffey Jr.? If The Kid did it, I'm gone.

Meh.

Chipper Jones? The same.

Are people even aware of Chipper Jones these days? Have they ever been?

Mariano Rivera? I'd think about it.

No calm eyes. That's why he isn't a dealbreaker.

Joe Mauer? The sound of weeping followed by my baseball resignation letter.

Mauer, though an absolutely great player, has barely had an impact on anything in his career (thinking mostly along the lines of what the Twins have done since he's been around...). Why Mauer?

Jim Thome? Baseball's nicest guy wouldn't do that to us, would he?

Don't you fucking dare say that around me.

Tim Lincecum? Sadness if The Freak was a fake.

You're just getting bored and creating verbal puns.

Trevor Hoffman? Hells bells, please not Hoffman.

See?

David Wright? See Mauer response.

That's just your way of saying "David Wright is awesome and uninteresting."

So far the game has survived the depressing revelations. It sort of coagulates, scabs up and then heals as best as it can.

There is an absolute dogfight going on for the NL Wild Card right now, but sure, I guess we should be dwelling on...::sigh::...this.

But there could come a time when the PED damage reaches a tipping point. For me, the magic number is 2.

Wait for it. I mean it. Just wait for it.

Jeter's jersey number.

BOOM!

Honestly Jeter, if you read this article and are guilty, please come clean just to spite this guy.

FMTMQR: Gregg Easterbrook Will Probably Not be Hired by The Onion Anytime Soon

Rejoice, haters of logic and comedy. The dipshit is back.

Here's some draft advice. The top three offensive teams last season -- New Orleans, Denver and Houston -- did not make the playoffs. The top three defensive teams last season -- Pittsburgh, Baltimore and Philadelphia -- all made the playoffs. Now, what should your draft strategy be?

Well, before drawing too strong a conclusion from that cherry-picked stat, I might look a little further than just the elites of each category and try to see generally whether or not having a good offense or good defense helps. Then I would discover that 7 of the top 12 offensive teams made the playoffs... as did 7 of the top 12 defensive teams. Then I might look back at years gone by, and discover that the top 3 offensive teams all made the playoffs in 2007 and 2006, and that 2 of the top 3 made it in 2005, 2004 and 2003. Then I would remember that Gregg Easterbrook is a stat-cherry-picking asshole. Then I would probably just use a draft strategy based around a combination of need and best player available.

As for [New England; idiotic TMQ nickname for their team omitted], last year on draft day, needing front-seven help, they traded down, passing on the chance to draft touted front-seven players Sedrick Ellis, Derrick Harvey and Keith Rivers, in order to select Jerod Mayo and gain an extra choice, which they exercised on linebacker Shawn Crable. Rivers had a sound rookie season, but Ellis was invisible with 30 tackles, while Harvey, supposedly a sackmaster, rarely was in the same area code as opposing quarterbacks. Mayo was terrific for New England, and Crable looks like a quality addition.

Crable did not play a snap last year. Yes, that's correct. Due to injury, THE DUDE HAS NOT YET PLAYED A SINGLE FUCKING SNAP IN THE NFL. But New England drafted him, so he looks like "a quality addition." Meanwhile, Derrick Harvey and his 3.5 rookie year sacks (certainly not great, but indicative of competence)? Bust. Just cut him now, Jacksonville. Why can't you be more like New England and draft guys who look quality without even stepping on the field?

Going into Saturday's draft, New England has stockpiled three second-round choices -- look for the Patriots to choose wisely while others around them reach. I'd rather have New England's draft position than the positions held by Buffalo, Denver or Detroit, even though each of these teams has two first-round choices. Detroit is under pressure not to blow the first overall pick;

That's like saying it's better to sit in the audience at a game show than be a contestant. You wouldn't want to fuck up in front of everyone, would you? Sure, being able to take any player you want is nice... but I think we can all agree that it's not worth the possible embarrassment that comes from messing up a draft choice. After all, the Lions have never done so before.

Denver has a history of first-round busts (Dan Williams, Marcus Nash);

Marcus Nash was drafted in 1998; Dan Williams was drafted in Nineteen-ninety-fucking-three. Sixteen years ago. Really, Gregg? Since 1998, Denver has taken Al Wilson, Deltha O'Neal, D.J. Williams, Ashley Lelie, Jay Cutler, and Ryan Clady (later praised by Easterbrook in this very column) in the first round. This is Easterbrook at his very worst- making preposterous claims as he goes along in order to fit his pre-crafted thesis. Seriously, fuck this guy. If you go back far enough every team has first round busts. Ever heard of Chris Canty? First round pick of the Patriots in 1997. Out of the league by 2001. Oops. (That said, after reviewing their first round picks for the past 15 years, I have to hand it to the Patriots. Very good at this whole draft thing overall.)

and the Bills haven't made a smart choice about linemen in some 15 years (recent first-round line busts John McCargo, Mike Williams and Erik Flowers).

So... what if... they choose players at other positions with these two first round picks?

New England can accomplish more with three second-round choices than most teams can accomplish with two first-round selections.

Completely unsubstantiated. Just thrown out there as fact, because Gregg hopes you're not really paying attention.

In other sports news, at this time of year every Tom, Dick and Harriet has a mock draft, but only Tuesday Morning Quarterback actually mocks the draft, with my annual mock of mock drafts, which follows.

1. Detroit Lions: Edward Liddy, CEO, AIG
By the standards of the 0-16 Lions, AIG is a huge success.

Crickets. (But it's pretty topical! Gotta give him that! Have you heard about this whole AIG thing? It was in all the papers!)

4. Seattle Seahawks: Dr. Manhattan, naked blue superhero
He could play for the Blue Men Group without needing a uniform, thus cutting costs.

Crickets.

6. Cincinnati Bengals: Tim Geithner, secretary, U.S. Treasury
The Bengals' ownership hopes the TARP fund will buy up the franchise as a toxic asset.

Topical again. And crickets, again.

10. San Francisco 49ers: Ralph Ostrove, founder, Paul Stuart clothiers
The Niners have gone from a coach who wears business suits on the sideline to a coach who drops his pants in public; they might benefit from this high-end fashion store that caters to men. Stuart's new business-casual affiliate says it offers a "curated collection."

Snobbery. And crickets. You get the idea- this kind of brain vomit goes on for a full 32 picks. Simply an insult to anyone who has any semblance of a sense of humor.

WWJHE -- When Would Jesus Hold Easter? Last year, Easter fell almost a month before Passover. TMQ complained that Easter should always fall on the Sunday after Passove begins. Jesus, after all, just before his crucifixion had come to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover. So why doesn't Easter fall immediately after the first night of Passover? Dating for Passover has always been determined by the ancient Hebrew calendar; in 2009, Passover began on the 15th of Nisan, exactly as it did when Jesus walked the Earth. Easter dating involves a complex formula having to do with the vernal equinox and paschal full moon. During the Middle Ages, the Roman church established that Easter dating formula in part to de-emphasize Christianity's relationship to Judaism. Protestant denominations decided to accept the Roman dating, though nothing about the equinox-and-moon business is mentioned in scripture. Formally linking the observance of Easter to Passover would benefit both Christianity and Judaism, by emphasizing common history. Actually, it would benefit Western Christians. As pointed out by readers, including Sylvia Denisov of St. Louis, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Easter always falls on the Sunday following the first night of Passover.

Changing the Western dating formula for Easter, to sync with Passover as is done in Eastern Christianity, would be both historically accurate and a nice ecumenical step. This spring, Easter in the West did fall on the Sunday after Passover began. Turns out that for the next six years, Easter as observed by Western Christianity will follow the first night of Passover; the schedules aren't out of whack again until 2016, when Easter falls on March 27 and Passover does not begin until April 23. That creates six years in which Western Christians could stage a campaign to restore the Passover-Easter relationship. How's about it?

I'm not against it. Wait, is this a column about football?

Series Finale of "Battlestar Galactica" Complaints:

A quick copy/paste into Microsoft Word reveals that Gregg devoted, I shit you not, 1,832 words to this item. That's nearly 3 single-spaced pages. Among those who care enough about the NFL to read about it online- Who. Gives. A. Flaming. Shit? Making it all the better is that most of the item is dedicated to, whate else, Gregg's complaints about the inaccuracies/plot holes in the show. We need someone monitoring these science fiction shows! I'm so tired of them not accurately representing what it's like to travel long distances in space!

Also, the NFL Gave Several Billion Compensatory No. 1 Draft Choices to AIG: The system by which the NFL awards compensatory draft choices continues to mystify. The league said San Diego was owed a fourth-round compensatory pick for losing Drayton Florence to Jacksonville; the Jags benched Florence, then waived him after one season. The league said the Redskins were owed a seventh-round compensatory pick for losing quarterback Mark Brunell to New Orleans; Brunell did not attempt a pass in 2008.

It's not quite a full and total explanation (as the League keeps some of its formula secret), but here you go, dipshit.

At 11 p.m. the Night Before Games, Bills Coaches Conduct a Passport Check: "I just have to create my own following up here in North America" -- Terrell Owens being introduced in Buffalo. Texas is in North America; so is Mexico for that matter. Though, Owens' statement that the Bills may become "North America's team" is a good reading of the Toronto alignment. My favorite Owens claim about the Cowboys: that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were meeting in secret to draw up plays that did not include him. On an exclusive basis, TMQ has obtained this surveillance tape of one of the secret meetings, held at a vacation resort:

ROMO: (Wearing dress and wig.) What's the password?

WITTEN: (Wearing false beard.) Swordfish. (Enters room.)

ROMO: The new play diagrams are on this microdot.

WITTEN: How do you read a microdot?

ROMO: Shhhhhh -- not so loud. (Turns on radio to a mariachi station.) That's in case Terrell has the room bugged. Check out Blast Max 88 Cross.

WITTEN: (Examines play.) Wow -- Owens covers his body in Krazy Glue, then sticks himself to my defender so I can go deep. Sweet!

ROMO: We can't tell him the play is really to you.

(Tape interrupted as Canadian Mounties burst into room.)

Dude. CRICKETS.

Trojans note: On draft day, TMQ will root for linebacker Clay Matthews III, who despite his fabulous football pedigree -- related to former NFL stars Clay Matthews, Clay Matthews Jr. and Bruce Matthews -- was a walk-on at USC. No major-conference school offered Matthews a scholarship. Now he's likely to be a first-round NFL draft choice.

And as soon as he's drafted in the 1st round, TMQ will immediately begin hating him for the duration of his NFL career. If only he could go undrafted, play in the lower-tiered Arena League for a couple years, retire, work a construction job for a couple years, then make the NFL at age 27, get cut from four teams, and THEN finally catch on with someone, he would have a life-long fan in Gregg.

At Least Someone's Gruntled: "Disgruntled no more" -- that's how "SportsCenter" anchor Linda Cohn introduced the news that Jay Cutler had been traded. Cutler whined so much that "disgruntled Jay Cutler" practically became his name. Since he is no longer disgruntled, does that mean he is now gruntled? Yes! Little known dictionary fact: "gruntled" means "satisfied." From now on, the gentleman in question to TMQ will be "the gruntled Jay Cutler." And TMQ will remain suspicious of the grunted gentleman. Cutler has a fine arm, but what exactly has he accomplished in the NFL to justify all his whining? Cutler is 17-20 as an NFL starter. Kyle Orton is 21-12 -- I'll take the guy who wins the game, please.

Oh my good fucking grief. Are we going to go through this again? That is the worst sports-related argument ever. Period. Ever. I don't even think Colin Cowherd would make that argument.

Orton did play with a better defense in Chicago, but Cutler played with better offensive personnel plus the Denver home-field advantage.

No home-field advantage in Chicago- no sir. Nope.

Though Cutler made the Pro Bowl, he finished 16th in quarterback rating, behind Seneca Wallace and Shaun Hill,

Who I think we can all agree are both better than Cutler.

while throwing 18 interceptions, second-worst in the league.

On 600+ attempts, often trying to lead Denver to victory from behind because of their shitpile of a defense.

Cutler's high school team was 15-0 when he was a senior; since then, in college and the pros, he's 28-55 as a starter.

How dare he not win at Vanderbilt! Everyone wins at Vanderbilt. I believe they're colloquially known as "the Northwestern Wildcats of the SEC."

For seven consecutive seasons, Cutler has not been a winner -- while becoming a guy who cares about his stats and complains nonstop about the treatment he is receiving.

Get rich quick scheme: replace "seven" with "thirteen;" replace "Cutler" with "Alex Rodriguez;" submit to FoxSports.com; accept job as baseball writer; profit.

TMQ thinks the Broncos will be seen as coming out way ahead in this trade. Way behind? The Redskins, who publicly undercut quarterback Jason Campbell by trying to trade him and draft choices for Cutler, only to have the world find out the Broncos would rather have the workmanlike Orton.

"Workmanlike." "Gritty." "Erstadian." They all sound nice.

Like Cutler, Campbell is 17-20 as a starter -- yet Cutler is constantly praised and Campbell constantly criticized.

If you think Jason Campbell is anywhere near as good as Jay Cutler, I encourage you to move to Mongolia and not ever watch sports again.

Yet Campbell was the one who played behind a terrible offensive line last season, while Cutler was protected by one of football's best pair of tackles.

A fair point; but remember when Gregg was shitting on Denver's chances of doing anything useful with its two first round picks this year? Hmmm... I wonder where their left tackle came from? Surely he wasn't a first round pick- Denver only drafts busts, like the still well-remembered Dan Williams, in the first round.

Next Week: TMQ's plan to grade the draft interrupted when honor-code violations are discovered in fifth round.

Yeah... what?

All About Maddux

Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN's (The Worldwide Leader in Sports's) renowned senior writer, just wrote an homage to Greg Maddux in a very clever, hilarious and consistently relevant manner.

(Note: much in the style of the awesome article I'm about to tell you about, take the opposite of everything in italics as the truth.)

Everything Maddux wasn't

The rest of the article can just be assumed after this line. But I mean, yeah, he wrote it anyway.

Am I going to miss Greg Maddux? Are you kidding? I couldn't stand the guy.

WTF?!?!??!! You COULDN'T STAND Greg Maddux? Are you out of your mind? What kind of writer are you? Maddux is like a canary-red leaf wafting in the breeze on a cool spring day while the hummingbirds are singing and the wind is composing a soothing melody as it soars through the tree branches, overlooking the greenest field you've ever seen with the most refreshingly blue lake, complete with sparkling sunshine! He's fucking media poetry! There's no way anyone in the world could hate Gre-.......

Oh.

I see what you're doing here Gene.

You had me going there.

You're a clever boy, aren't you? Saying the opposite of what's actually true like you did. Your keyboard just radiates the brilliance of the gods, doesn't it?

First of all, he wasn't greedy enough. He signed for only $75,000 after the Chicago Cubs selected him with the 31st pick of the 1984 amateur draft. No messy holdouts. No nothing. And get this: He actually reported to Pikeville of the Appalachian League that season. For $175 a week. Loser.

Anyone want to read a lot more paragraphs in the exact same style as this one? Great!

He wasn't brash enough. The guy made his major league starting debut near the end of the 1986 season. The Cubs stunk, but the 20-year-old Maddux threw a complete-game victory. Hadn't been done by a Cub that young since 1966. He also got two hits and ended a seven-game Cubs losing streak. Instead of popping off about his big day, Maddux told reporters, "I'm kind of awestruck now."

Melts my heart. Go on.....

He wasn't intimidating enough. When the dinky Maddux first reported from Triple-A Iowa, the Cubs didn't know whether he was a player or there for Father-Son Day. "He's a good competitor and he's fun to watch," minor league coach Jim Colborn told the Chicago Tribune, "especially knowing he's just finished his paper route a couple of years ago."

Not being intimidating isn't exactly a positive quality for pitchers.....

He wasn't quotable enough. You can list the number of great Maddux on-the-record quotes on the back of a Sweet'N Low packet. He was polite. He was pleasant. But mostly he shrugged his shoulders a lot.

...Sweet'N Low packet? Are you trying to get tomatoes thrown at you?

Like, because there's zeroes on the back of a Sweet'N Low packet, and Maddux has delivered zero great quotes?

Because you can fit a lot of digits on the back of one of those.

Chad Johnson has about 913204234203 great quotes. I could list that number on the back of a Sweet'N Low packet.

He wasn't controversial enough. Would it have killed him to get caught carrying, say, a semi-automatic weapon, just once? Some sort of drug charge would have been nice. And is it asking too much to maybe oversee a money-laundering ring? But, no, not Maddux.

Top 10 problems facing baseball today.

10) Someone is paying Jason Marquis money.
9) Kevin Mench isn't going to play in America next year.
8) Brian Sabean has a job.
7) Too many people think "leadoff hitter" is an actual position.
6) ZOMG THE YANKEES DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!
5) Ryan Howard doesn't get 1/100th of the credit he deserves.
4) The Red Sox make too many assholes happy.
3) The economy
2) PEDs
1) Too many players overseeing money laundering rings.

I can't remember what the point of all that was.

He wasn't narcissistic enough. Even when he was winning four Cy Young Awards in a row or walking into the clubhouse the day after his 300th career victory, you never saw Maddux with a posse, entourage or security detail. Wait! There were those times
when he brought his two kids to the ballpark.

Haha get it! That's his entourage! His kids! He's a family man....he's...he's the everyman, and he wears Wrangler-brand jeans!

Oh. My. God.

Greg Maddux is Brett Favre.

He wasn't ill-prepared enough. In 1996, just before Maddux and the Atlanta Braves faced the New York Yankees in the World Series, pitching coach Leo Mazzone met with his starters and relievers and read them the detailed scouting reports. Maddux raised his hand after Mazzone read the report on Yankees slugger Bernie Williams.

"He wasn't ill-prepared enough."

See how stupid you had to make that sound just to fit a compliment to Maddux's pre-game prep into this article?

"That report is not correct," Maddux said. "I've been watching film of Williams for two weeks, and that report is not correct."

"Did everybody hear that?" Mazzone said.

The Braves pitchers nodded.

"Well, then the hell with this report," Mazzone said. "We go with what Mad Dog says."

Williams hit .167 in the Series.

While leading the Yankees in RBI.

(Hey, if he can use a stat that doesn't tell the whole story, so can I!)

He wasn't serious enough. Jimmy Farrell, who was the longtime umpires room attendant at Wrigley Field, told me about the time he asked a young Maddux to wiggle his ear if he reached base on a hit. The Cubs went on the road, so Farrell and his wife, Eleanor, watched the game at home that night. Sure enough, Maddux got a hit.

"He's not gonna do it, Jimmy," Eleanor said.

"You watch," Farrell said.

Maddux stood at first base. And then wiggled his ear.

"We just about fell off the couch laughing," Farrell told me.

Please, please watch Nick Swisher play just one inning of baseball, then tell me you are still amused by this.

He wasn't aloof enough. You'd think a guy with more wins than any living player (355) would keep to himself. But when I saw him this past March at spring training with the San Diego Padres, Maddux was doing his usual thing: working the clubhouse, cracking wise with vets and rookies, recruiting players for one of his golf pools. Same sort of thing happened when I saw him near the end of the season. He was a Los Angeles Dodger by then, but he was sitting in the dugout trading jokes with teammate Derek Lowe.

Brett. Favre.

Here's the rest. Read it, and be sick of it. I sure am. I couldn't even make it through the entire damn article.

He wasn't one-dimensional enough. After a while you really got tired of watching him earn Gold Gloves (18 of them -- nobody has more), lay down perfect sacrifice bunts, or even steal bases. The nerve.

He didn't listen well enough. Colborn said back in 1986: "He's not a strikeout pitcher, and he probably won't ever win 25 or 30 games in the big leagues. But he should have a good big-league career." Maddux, who just had to make Colborn look bad, finished his career ranked 10th all-time in strikeouts.

He wasn't buff enough. Didn't he get the memo about steroids? Sammy Sosa had nose hairs with more muscle tone than Maddux. Maddux had a bit of a paunch. I'm not sure he could bench press a fungo bat.

He wasn't flashy enough. After Maddux won No. 300, reporters asked how he'd celebrate. "I don't know," he said. "I'll do something." What, take the family to Pizza Hut?

He wasn't into legacies enough. He once said he actually valued pitching 200-plus innings per season more than the wins. And if you asked him about the Hall of Fame, you usually wouldn't get much on the subject. But his former teammate Glendon Rusch once told me, "In my opinion, he's a first-ballot, 100-percent-of-the-votes Hall of Famer."

He wasn't unprofessional enough. Maddux probably could have squeezed another season and paycheck out of that 42-year-old right arm of his. Others would have taken the money. But not Mr. Integrity.

Nope. Won't miss him at all.

Until spring training 2009.

BOOM! That's the fantastic line at the end of the article that lets the reader know...."Hey, I was just joking about all that stuff before! I really think Greg Maddux is a great dude, and I have 37 posters of him hanging in my room!"

ESPN Senior Writer.