ZOMG!!!! TeH ANGELS IS TeH BEST TEAMZ EVERR!!!!!!

Bert Blyleven's writing is one very small step above the quality of that title.

Final stretch: Breaking down the playoff races
Angels look like MLB’s best, but who will join them in postseason?

Gee golly, Bert. We've been over this before. You seem to be the only person in the world who thinks that the Angels are this good.

This is going to be fun.

With the All-Star Game and trade deadline behind us, it’s time to look ahead to the playoffs.

Whew. Thankfully that there All-Star Game is over, so now I can care about which baseball teams will go on to the postseason.

Back in April, I predicted the winners of each division race and the wild card races, then took a leap and chose a World Series winner.

That was a good time. You chose the Angels to win the World Series.

Let’s take a look back at my picks, see if they’ll hold up for the rest of the season.

Yes, let's! Skipping to the flagrant parts, of course.

AL CENTRAL

Preseason pick: Minnesota Twins

I expected the Twins’ deep young rotation to make a big difference this season, but things haven’t quite worked out that way. Kevin Slowey is done for the season and Francisco Liriano has struggled. They’ve needed some young pitchers to step up, and aside from Scott Baker (6-1 over his last 11 starts), that hasn’t happened.

Well Nick Blackburn has a 3.79 ERA, against the odds, but I guess that isn't considered "stepping up", I guess.

The White Sox and Tigers both made big deadline deals, with the Tigers bringing in Jarrod Washburn and the White Sox acquiring injured right-hander Jake Peavy.

Chicago took a big risk in trading for Peavy because they dealt a fine pitcher for him in Clayton Richard. Peavy threw on the side on Sunday and his ankle was ok, now he must build up some arm strength.

I laugh that you think Clayton Richard was the centerpiece of that trade. Hilarious.

For the Tigers, Washburn was a nice pickup who fits in nicely. He’s not the ace

Eh?

— that’s Justin Verlander —

Oh.

but he’s a solid veteran who gives them an edge down the stretch.

"Gives them an edge". You see, when the second place team similarly acquires a pitcher who is a solid veteran, you need to say something to compare these pitchers, Bert. What if I told you that Peavy gives the White Sox "the edge"? Gives them the edge over who?

Miguel Cabrera is having an MVP season,

Fair...ish. He shouldn't win.

Magglio Ordonez is starting the swing the bat better

Not really, like at all. Please look at that game log and tell me that he's doing any better now than he has the rest of the season. Oh yeah, and let's not forget that $18M ticking time bomb attached to all this playing time!

(Well....$15M considering the buyout....)

Their question mark is in the bullpen, and I’m surprised they didn’t address that before the trade deadline.

Hmmmmm...that's interesting. I would have argued that their "question mark" would be "How the hell are we going to score runs when we start Gerald Laird, Adam Everett, a broken Brandon Inge, Clete Thomas (in LF??), and Carlos Guillen (at DH?????????) every day?" But that's me, and I tend to think about things before publishing them to a major news website.

Updated pick: Detroit Tigers, as they have fewer questions than the White Sox and Twins.

....as listed by Bert Blyleven. You listed the Tigers' bullpen as a weakness. Could you....could you even name me one pitcher in the Tigers' bullpen?

AL WEST

Preseason pick: Los Angeles Angels

I liked the Angels at the start of the year,

Everyone who has been in a 1,523 glorpulon radius of msnbc.com knows you liked the Angels at the beginning of the year. And always.

based mostly on their pitching,

Oops.

though I also expected a big season out of Bobby Abreu, and he is delivering.

Bobby gon' win the MVP then sign a fat contract. Just like the plan.

The more the season progresses, the better that pick looks. I got a good look at the Angels against the Twins over the weekend and was impressed as they scored 35 runs on 52 hits in the three-game series. They’re hitting .290 as a club and that’s almost scary.

About as scary as being only 3.5 games in first place and having the 3rd worst ERA in the AL to fall back on.

And Chone Figgins is the catalyst. He gets on base, he steals bases, and he’s a good hitter from both sides of the plate. If the Angels continue this way, you have to look at him as a possible MVP.

No. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the FUCK up. Chone Figgins is very useful. But he doesn't even have a .300 EqA, and he's not even the most valuable hitter on that team.

See people? This is why blogs like this have to live on. Bert Blyleven shouldn't be
allowed to say things like "Chone Figgins is a possible MVP" and get away with it.
He just....shouldn't!

They have a couple of question marks in their rotation,

That's putting it very mildly.

and could really use some improvement out of Ervin Santana and/or Joe Saunders. Jered Weaver is very consistent and John Lackey is pitching some very good baseball. If you have three good starters in the postseason you’re in good shape.

You just listed two good starters.

Updated pick: The Rangers are a great surprise, but I’m sticking with the Angels.

Excuse everyone while we all don't die of shock.

NL WEST

Preseason pick: Los Angeles Dodgers

Manny Ramirez, as popular as ever, has a little “Fernando Mania” thing going on out there, and less well known is the fact that Casey Blake is a very steady player.

Shhhhhh...don't let the secret out.

But you're right....sooooo steady!

Blake is one of the keys to their offense.

Interesting, un-crazy, go on......

He won’t put up MVP numbers

I agree! It's good that you're noticing him......

but three out of five times he’ll get the big hit.

I quit. Game over.

Three out of five times.

Casey Blake is more than just steady. He's the best player in Major League Baseball.

And THAT, friends, is "less well known".

World Series: The Phillies will get past the Dodgers in the NLCS, only to fall to the Angels in the World Series. Los Angeles will rely on its speed and defense to get past Philly for its second title (2002).

I don't want Bert Blyleven to make the Hall of Fame anymore.

A long lesson in dumb fuckery with Clark Judge

Losing pretty Cutler making winning ugly Plummer look great

So now Jay Cutler is mad as hell and sure looks like he's not going to take it in Denver anymore. Great. Almost makes you wish the Broncos never disposed of Jake Plummer, huh?

No.

Well, it does me. If ever there was a quarterback done wrong it was poor Jake. He didn't throw the tightest spiral. He took too many chances. And he threw unnecessary interceptions. He was booed at home, booed on the road and shredded weekly by the hometown media for his flaws. In short, he was embraced like the Avian flu.

I will agree that he was booed unnecessarily a lot, but he also did tend to play his worst in big games.

So what's to like? This: He was 40-18 as a starter.

With the Denver Broncos, when they had a great defense and were pumping out 1,000 yard rushers like some sort of factory that makes 1,000 yard rushers.

All the guy did was win.

Except for, you know, when he lost. Like in the playoffs.

He took the Broncos to the playoffs in 2003. He did it again in 2004. He had them in the 2005 AFC Championship Game.

I'm sure Broncos fans get misty thinking of those back to back to back runner's up trophies.

Yet he was gone two seasons later, shuffled off to Tampa Bay to make way for Cutler, the second coming of John Elway. Only, he's not. He's not even the second coming of Jake Plummer,

Actually, if you believe Football Outsider's DYAR stats, Jay Cutler is almost exactly the second coming of Jake Plummer (when he was good) when it comes to regular season statistics. Except, Cutler is 9 years younger than Plummer and has never had a season as bad as Plummer's 2006 campaign.

and, no, I don't care that he throws a fast ball like Randy Johnson or that his right arm can launch space shuttles.

Because that's obviously the only argument Cutler's apologists can make for him.

I want someone who can win, and Jay Cutler is 17-20 as a starter, failing to reach the playoffs in his NFL career.

Yeah because Jake Plummer's always been a "winner," like how he was 15-21 after his first 3 seasons.

Plummer not only got there three of his four seasons in Denver, he took the Cardinals to the playoffs in 1998, their first appearance in a non-strike year in over two decades.

You know who were also good quarterbacks in 1998? Rich Gannon and Elvis Grbac.

Denver never had a losing season under Plummer. It hasn't had a winning season under Cutler. Draw your own conclusions.

My conclusion: Devner's defense and running back situation has declined dramatically in the past few years.

I have, and they go something like this: Plummer knew how to win; Cutler knows how to throw a pretty pass. I know which I'd rather have.

Explain to me how having a Quarterback (whose main responsibility is THROWING PASSES) that throws "a pretty pass" is a bad thing.

When the Broncos drafted Cutler they were coming off a 13-3 season where they beat New England and were one win from the Super Bowl. But after losing to Pittsburgh in the conference championship game, coach Mike Shanahan decided he could go no deeper into the playoffs with Plummer. So he traded up for Cutler.

For Plummer, the message was clear: His get-out-of-Denver ticket had just been punched, and Cutler would succeed him in no more than a year. Anything short of the Super Bowl wouldn't matter for Plummer, who could take his 40-18 record somewhere else and watch what could have been.

Knowing that his job was on the line, Plummer hunkered down and had one of the worst seasons of his career. Only a cagey winner would know how to do that.

Plummer didn't sulk. He didn't demand to be traded. He didn't threaten to move. And he never asked to meet with his head coach or demand an explanation.

He just played like shit until the situation worked itself out.

"Jay is going to be a hell of a player," Plummer told me that summer, "but, hopefully, when his time is right. Until that time I'm going to be the one taking the snaps.

And that time became right way earlier than most people imagined, due to Plummer's abhorrent on field play.

"Fans always like change. I understand that. It's almost like having an old girlfriend. You always think the pasture may be greener on the other side. But until Jay is ready they're going to have to deal with me."

Now that's what I want to hear from my quarterback. Don't tell me your feelings are hurt. Don't go running to your realtor. And don't mention the name Matt Cassel because if you're more concerned about what is beyond your control -- and, contrary to what he might think, Jay Cutler is not running this show -- you're doomed as a quarterback.

Hmmm, what recent Broncos quarterback was it that went into a tailspin when there was talk of him being replaced? Fuck, we were just talking about him. Don't tell me, don't tell me!

Of course, Jay Cutler is not doomed. He has a long career ahead of him, and he has a world of talent. What he doesn't have is the guts of Jake Plummer, and too bad.

All the guts that Jake Plummer had to say "I'm going to let Mike Shannahan determine when my career as and NFL Quarterback comes to an end."

/wipes tear from eye

He could learn something from his predecessor. In fact, the more I hear Cutler whine the more I'm convinced Denver owes Plummer an apology.

Sorry Pittsburgh and Indianapolis's defenses were too good for you, Jake!

He didn't score many style points while he was there; he just won. For some reason, that wasn't enough.

Because at the end of the year, no one cares about regular season victories when you make dumb mistakes in the playoffs.

Cutler, on the other hand, is cut a break ... and for what?

That even without looking at the stats (Cutler was 5th overall this past year), one should be able to tell that he's a well above average quarterback.

He took over his rookie season when the Broncos were 7-4 and lost three of five starts. No problem there. Rookie quarterbacks struggle. But then he was 7-9 in his second season and 8-8 in his third. Worse, the Broncos positively self-destructed last year, blowing a three-game lead with three weeks to go.

But he doesn't--

Yeah, I know, it wasn't Cutler's fault. It might have helped if Denver had a running back who could stay in the lineup for three weeks or a defense that didn't leak like the Titanic. But all the Broncos had to do was win one freakin' game in three tries, and they couldn't pull it off. Blame the defense all you want, but look what Cutler did down the stretch: Nothing.

In his last three games he had two touchdown passes and four interceptions. Worse, he lost to Buffalo at home on the next to last weekend of the season. I don't want to hear how he threw for 359 yards or 316 the next weekend against San Diego. He didn't win. Period. End of story.

It was literally all his fault. Nevermind that the Broncos defense provided less resistance than the British Expeditionary Force in 1940 (eat your heart out, Rick Reilly).

So his defense stunk. Kurt Warner's defense in Arizona wasn't all that great, either.

Yeah, except for when they caused two of the best offenses in the NFC to have their worst weeks on the season in consecutive games during the playoffs.

And the Cardinals' running game was worse than Denver's. In fact, it was worse than everyone. But Arizona pulled the mother of all upsets by winning the NFC and coming within 45 seconds of knocking off Pittsburgh in Super Bowl XLIII. Warner overcame the club's shortcomings because that is what good quarterbacks are supposed to do.

It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that Warner had the luxury of throwing to the best WR in football that year (Fitzgerald), a guy who'd be a #1 WR on most teams (Boldin), and a 3rd WR that most teams would be happy to have as a #2 (Breaston). Other than that, it was all Warner, all by himself.

Cutler is acknowledged as one of the game's top young quarterbacks, yet he can't overcome much of anything. And that is a problem.

Peyton Manning didn't make the Playoffs till the end of his 3rd full season, and didn't actually win a playoff game until his 6th. Ipso facto: Jay Cutler will never overcome anything.

He can complain about his new head coach, too, but this just in, Jay: Josh McDaniels didn't draft you; Mike Shanahan did.

You, and anyone else on the Broncos who wasn't hand picked by McDaniels, are therefore subject to any and all moronic personnel decisions that revolve around which players the coach has a personal preference toward.

It is also evidence that Cutler might not be the quarterback we thought he was.

Only if you thought this about Cutler: "Mediocre quarterback who can't handle playing in the NFL."

So he lives in the shadow of Elway. Big deal. So did Jake Plummer. In fact, Plummer was closer to the Elway era than Cutler, so the contrasts were more apparent.

Plummer came in after nearly 5 full years of Brian Griese being the whipping boy for the Denver fans/media. Where's Griese's pity parade?

He didn't throw like Elway, but he did find a way to win -- and isn't that how we measure our quarterbacks?

No, you measure than by comparative stats that take into account the hundreds of variables in football. And even if the mouth breathing idiots who consider wins the ultimate stat say that you have to win a Superbowl to be worth a damn.

Cutler was supposed to be an improvement on Plummer, but while he has the measureables -- the size, the big arm, the accuracy -- he's as short on the intangibles as he is on victories.

Intangibles like: throwing a back breaking interception and putting a great season to waste.

Maybe we should face facts and realize that while he's no John Elway he may be no Jake Plummer, either.

Maybe you should face the facts that you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

FMTMQR: Gregg Sounds Even Dumber When Talking About the Playoffs

Fire this guy immediately. Jack M already covered the single worst sportswriting paragraph of 2009 (so far); here are the tattered remains of the rest of this week's TMQ.

Most important, are not the Cardinals a rag-tag collection of undrafted and unwanted players -- exactly the sort of gentlemen whose praises TMQ sings? Check the Arizona front seven that shut down Carolina: you won't find a first-round draft choice. (Details below.)

Hit us with those tantalizing details about what a bunch of no-talent zeroes these guys are.

Quickly now, can you name anyone from the Arizona front seven that outperformed Carolina's big-deal blockers? Here they are: Bryan Robinson, an undrafted 12-year veteran who has been waived by four NFL teams;

Legit claim by Gregg. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's all downhill from here.

Bertrand Berry, a twice-waived 11-year veteran who played for the Edmonton Eskimos once when no NFL team wanted him;

Berry was a 3rd round draft choice in 1997, who maybe needed to go to the CFL to remember what it's like to play football (almost) for free before he went back to the NFL and started living up to his potential.

Chike Okeafor, waived by two NFL teams;

Another 3rd round draft choice (one of the top 100 players chosen in the draft... what a no talent nobody!) who was waived by Seattle purely for salary cap reasons before joining the Cardinals.

Antonio Smith, a fifth-round draft pick; Darnell Dockett and Gerald Hayes, third-round draft picks; and Karlos Dansby, a second-round draft pick. Nary a first-round gentleman in that group.

Therefore, no one with any talent whatsoever! They did it all on heart, hustle, grit, gristle, and grindiness! TMQ has a David Eckstein fathead. He believes that any player making more than $3 million a year should be shot dead in the street.

Also, there is no such thing as a player being waived for salary cap reasons. Anyone who gets waived was unwanted in every sense of the word.

In other playoff news, TMQ contends that on fourth-and-1, it can be better to go for it and fail than to launch a mincing fraidy-cat kick. Proof was seen in the divisional round. Both No. 1 seeds, Jersey/A and Tennessee, faced critical fourth-and-1 decisions near the opponent's goal line, both launched fraidy-cat kicks and both went on to lose.

Correlation = causation. Also, both those teams lost as home teams in the divisional round. Therefore, FMTMQR contends that hosting a divisional game is a receipe for disaster.

Pittsburgh faced a fourth-and-1 at the opponents' goal line, went for it and failed -- then dominated the remainder of the game, winning decisively.

Again, correlation = causation. Pittsburgh did not win because they were the better team, or because San Diego only ran one offensive play in the 3rd quarter, but because they came away with zero points on a 4th and goal. Everyone knows, scoring points is ultimately bad.

Who was the last No. 1-seeded team to win the Super Bowl? New England in the 2003 season. That's five seasons since a first seed hoisted the Lombardi Trophy, and it can't happen this year. Maybe No. 1 seeds become overconfident, or nervous.

I've included this in the post because I'm actually impressed with Gregg (non-sarcastically) for his word choice here. See the use of "maybe?" See how easy it is to not make yourself sound like a total jackass when you theorize why outcomes happen the way they do? Rather than saying "CLEARLY No. 1 seeds become overconfident," Gregg carefully points out that what he's saying is only an unprovable idea and not perfect fact. If only he did this the other 95% of the time, we might have to discontinue the TMQRs around here.

Oh God.... no.... he's going to do it, you know he is....

Cheerleader of the Week: Also according to her team bio, Lofland works as a sporting-events coordinator and jokes that the worst part of being a cheerleader is having to run stadium stairs like the players do. What if there is more overlap between NFL players and NFL cheerleaders than we know? Here is what a cheerleader psyche-up session in the tunnel might sound like:

Fuck me with a goalpost. No way is he going to try to write another skit. No fucking way, no fucking how.

CHEERLEADER SQUAD DIRECTOR: Get out there and give 110 percent! Hip-hop like every hip and every hop is the most important of your life! Other teams' cheerleaders don't respect you! Nobody believes in us but us! I want to see some professionalism out there! Leave it all on the sideline! (Pause.) Who are we?

SQUAD: Cheerleaders! (They start jumping.)

DIRECTOR: I can't hear you!

SQUAD: Cheerleaders! (They head-butt and chest-thump.)

SQUAD DIRECTOR: I still can't hear you!

SQUAD: CHEERLEADERS! (They run onto the field, each ceremonially tapping a cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.)

/douchechills
/douchechills
/douchechills
/slowly subsiding douchechills
/nausea

Gregg should be fired for these little skits he throws in every once in a while, but his editor should also be caned for allowing them.

Sweet Play of the Divisional Round: The atmosphere was electric at Giants Stadium, the crowd raucous as it expected to watch the defending champions notch the first victory of their title defense. Philadelphia kicked off, Ahmad Bradshaw broke into the clear. He appeared to be headed for six; only Eagles kicker David Akers remained between Bradshaw and the goal line. Akers took a good angle and forced Bradshaw out of bounds at the Philadelphia 35, and the Giants had to settle for a field goal on the possession. Had Jersey/A scored six points on the game's first play, the crowd would have gone nuts and the day might well have been a rout for the defending champions. Rarely is the first play of a game the most important play -- in this case, Akers' tackle was the most important play of the contest.

Yeah, just ask Ohio State how beneficial taking the opening kickoff back for a TD can be. It was an opening kickoff return TD that propelled them to victory in the 2007 BCS National Championship Game. Wait, they ended up losing that game by 30? And yes, I realize that one counterexample does not totally disprove Gregg's point. But it sure damages it.

Stat of the Week No. 6: The Ravens had the first rookie head coach/rookie starting quarterback combination to win consecutive playoff games.

That's not a stat, it's a factoid. I'm so upset right now.

Why did Tennessee lose to Baltimore? Just ask Gregg- because they didn't make enough exciting decisions! Little known fact: this year, NFL teams that go for it on 4th down more times than their opponent in a game are 457-0.

Had Jeff Fisher gone for two and taken an 8-0 lead, it would have communicated the message that Tennessee would play all-out to win. Even a missed deuce try would have communicated this message. Instead the Titans played cautious, and that would become the theme of the team's loss -- see below.

The Ravens won, as anyone who watched the game can tell you, by playing a crazy, balls-to-the-wall, fuck-it-we're-playing-with-the-house's-money sense of reckless abandon. Fun game stats: the Ravens attempted zero 4th down conversions, while passing 22 times and running 30 times. ZANY. No caution there.

Baltimore was the league's most enthusiastic user of trick plays this season, yet radioed in no trick play in the wild-card or divisional round.

Don't tell Gregg that. Wait, what?

Because McNabb moves in a plodding manner, he never gets credit for his scrambling and throwing-on-the-run talents. Now McNabb has led the Eagles to their fifth title game in eight seasons. Explain please why this guy gets so little love from sports pundits, including in the Philadelphia media.

Re: sports pundits in general- McNabb gets plenty of love. He gets criticism too, but it's not like the media refuses to acknowledge how good he is. Re: why the Philly media doggs on him- is... is... is that a real question? Gregg lives in the DC area. You'd think he might be privy to the tendancies of Philadelphia, a mere three hours away. Then again, you'd think he might be able to figure out that not every coach who orders a field goal is just trying to decrease his team's margin of defeat. Life is full of mysteries.

The key tactical error came at 1:38 of the first half. The Giants to that point were dominating the game in yards gained and first downs, but trailed 7-5. They faced fourth-and-inches on the Philadelphia 17, in a game in which they averaged 4.3 yards per rush. This was the man-or-mouse moment, when the defending champions had their chance to take control of the contest: go for the first down, then score a touchdown for a nice intermission lead, while drilling the clock so McNabb, a master of the late second-quarter drive, had no time for reply.

I'm not saying McNabb isn't this... but who says he is? I have never heard of this aspect of his reputation, ever. Then again I've never heard anything to indicate that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl last February because they ran up the score on opponents earlier in the season, but Gregg seems OK with pushing that theory.

Instead Coughlin did the supposedly "safe" thing and ordered a field goal. To that point in the game, Philadelphia had just 32 yards of offense.

How foolish of him to think his defense could prevent the Eagles from scoring before halftime! Way to make such a stupid investment of confidence, Coughlin.

Before the half could end, the Eagles moved 65 yards down the field, kicking a field goal with a second left on the clock. So Jersey/A's "safe" kick decision did the team no good, because Philadelphia still led by two at halftime anyway. More important, the decision fired the Eagles up. Philadelphia players seemed to sense that Jersey/A was playing not to lose, rather than playing to win.

Anecdotal. Bullshit. But at least he said "seemed."

"Friday Night Lights" Update:

No mention in here of how the Dillon Panthers didn't play a full, legal, official Texas high school football schedule. Why even bother writing the item?

San Diego began the game with a smart psychological ploy. Speed receiver Vincent Jackson had been shut out by the Colts, then during the week, was charged with driving under the influence. Their first play call was a deep post to him, though Philip Rivers couldn't get the pass his way. San Diego's third play call was again a deep post to Jackson, who was single-covered, the Steelers' safeties seeming to think it was safe to ignore him: 41 yards, touchdown.

Pittsburgh's defensive gameplan: Vincent Jackson was just charged with a DUI => therefore, the Chargers will not try to throw to him. Also, he had a bad game last week, and no receiver in history has ever followed up a bad game with a good one. We might as well not cover him. See, this is how Barry Bonds was able to beat Hank Aaron's all time home run record. As soon as he was connected to steroids, other teams' pitchers figured the Giants would stop sending him up to bat.

On the first snap of the fourth quarter, leading 21-10, Pittsburgh was not afraid to try to gain a yard -- and thereby, won the game. The fourth quarter began with the Steelers facing fourth-and-goal on the Bolts' 1. Pittsburgh went for it and failed.

That's how you win games, people: by not scoring. You can also win by not having any first round draft picks (or ideally, anyone who was drafted at all) on your team.

But the Steelers actually were better off going and failing than kicking! Obviously if they'd gone and scored, TMQ would have written "game over" in his notebook. Had Pittsburgh taken the field goal, the Steelers would have led by 14, but then had to kick off, likely giving San Diego good field position with a full quarter remaining.

Starting from between your own 15 and 35 is now "good field position."

That would have kept San Diego in the contest. By going and failing, Pittsburgh pinned San Diego on its 1, needing two scores.

Being down 14 with the ball on your own 20 is clearly worlds away from being down 11 with the ball on your own 1. In fact, they're so different that most coaches don't know that either can happen during the course of a football game.

The Chargers could do nothing from their own 1, and the next time you looked up, Pittsburgh led 35-17.

You must enjoy catnaps.

In kick-or-go situations, TMQ asks: "What does my opponent hope I will do?" On the fourth-and-goal from the San Diego 1, the Chargers were hoping Pittsburgh would kick a field goal. Though the Bolts stopped the fourth-down rush, they were worse off than if the Hypocycloids had kicked for three.

Now they needed a TD, a 2 point conversion, and a field goal, which is objectively much harder to get than 2 TDs. Everyone knows this.

Titans tailback Chris Johnson had 12 touches for 100 yards against Baltimore in the first half, then sat out the second half with an injury. The energetic Johnson leaving the game and the plodding, low-intensity LenDale White coming in was a factor in the favorite's defeat. As many readers, including Becca Garrison of Gallatin, Tenn., noted, thrice this season Johnson has taunted opponents, and thrice this season, TMQ has predicted the football gods would exact vengeance.

LenDale White? The guy has never taunted anyone in his life. Well, except for when he (hilariously) stomped on a terrible towel as the Titans were crushing the Steelers in December. But that's totally different. He didn't get hurt because... well, because. The football gods work in mysterious ways. Also, anyone who gets injured, ever, has that happen to them because they angered said football gods.

Next Week Arugula! Arugula!

You are a pretentious waste of a human being. Only a few TMQs left before the end of the year- everyone keep biting your tongues, he's almost finished.

Dear Phil Simms, You Should Probably Just Stop Talking Now

Jets/Dolphins. Mid 2nd quarter. Brett Gunslinger drops back to pass, stands in the pocket, sees no receivers open, and heaves the ball down the field to an open area at least 25 yards from the nearest player in an attempt to avoid being sacked. The refs call intentional grounding. The following takes place:

Phil: And on the field, we have intentional grounding. Now that's a tough call. You know, what are you supposed to do? The receivers are covered! (incredulously) So now you've got to throw it "close" to the receiver? (screen cuts to replay) Nobody's open... here comes the receiver across the field who he wants to throw it to... so yes, he's avoiding the sack... but... everybody's covered!

Jim Nantz: Well, that's the rule about that, when you're between the tackles.

Phil: When you're between the tackles and throw the football away to avoid the sack, it is intentional grounding. I understand. But again... hey... (trails off)

Jim: Loss of down and 10 yards on top of it. Second and 20.

I know you said "I understand," Phil, but I think it's pretty obvious that you don't.

Post-Holiday Bonus Bonanza Post

OK, I've been accumulating several things that need to get posted over the course of the past few days. Let's cut to the chase.

1. Buck Martinez, supposedly a baseball "expert" as he is employed by XM to comment on various baseball matters during its most listened-to timeslots, has this to say about the prospects of Pedro Martinez pitching anywhere this year.

Now this is a guy who I think still has a few starts under his belt.

You're right. As of the publishing of this post, he has exactly 400 of them "under his belt." And he will continue to have 400 or more of them, no matter how many years pass. If you're talking about his potential ability to pitching the majors in 2009, and referring to how many starts he has left in the tank, a figure of speech which is pretty common and should probably not be bungled by a guy employed in talk radio, that's up for debate. Please do not confuse "left in the tank" with "under his belt." It's not that hard.

2. ESPN's Doug Gottlieb, a guy who I usually like, lays a real egg in his summation of everything that's wrong with the media's interpretation of baseball in this soundbite re: Mark Teixeira (prior to his signing with the Yankees):

See, what I don't understand is why he would consider the Nationals or Orioles over the Red Sox. If you go to Baltimore, you're irrelevant. If you go to Washington, you're irrelevant.

This is, as I said above, exactly what's wrong with the media's interpretation of baseball today. According to Doug and the many writers and commentators who think exactly like him, if you don't play for the Yankees/Red Sox/Cubs/maybe the Dodgers or Mets, you might as well not be playing at all. And that's just fucking sad. What? Baltimore and DC each have millions of people, many of whom are fans of the hometown baseball team? Fuck it- if you're not playing for RED SOX NATION, you might as well be sitting at home and eating junk food.

Fucking gag me.

3. Here's a hot tip for all you announcers out there- puns are fucking lame. Don't use them. Ever. During Notre Dame's Christmas Eve win over Hawaii in the Hawaii Bowl, ESPN's play-by-play guy (who will remain unnamed due to my laziness) dropped the following two lines after commercial breaks:

It's Jimmy "Santa" Clausen and Golden "Frankinscence and Myrrh" Tate who are the story for Notre Dame today!

For the Irish, it is indeed "A Wonderful Life" here in Honolulu!

To put it simply: STOP. NO. FUCK YOU. No one worth pandering to enjoys this kind of monkey shit.

BREAKING NEWS FROM MY INSIDE SOURCES IN BRISTOL, CT

Word on the street (PLEASE keep in mind that this has not officially been confirmed... it is only a rumor for the time being... that's my disclaimer) is that this man:




is at least in some part, way, form, function, or capacity, a bit fond of this man:




Further details as events warrant on this shocking story. If it turns out to be true, all I can say is wow. Who saw this coming?