Kidnapping? Check. Rape? Check. Wacky Rick Reillyesque Take On "Sports These Days!"? Check

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/world-won-most-2555260-never-one

Long story short, this fellow used the 19 year prolonged kidnapping and rape of a young girl named Jaycee Dugard as the conceptual basis for a column about how things "ain't what they done used to be in sports!"

Which of course badly missteps the boundaries of taste. But the writing, Jim! The writing!

Here's the cliff's notes.

How long before she fully digests the world she re-enters? How difficult to adjust to such cataclysmic change?

More than that, who's going to explain the fact that there's a President Obama?

You mean because he's black? Or because he has a funny name? Or because he isn't George H. W. Bush--the president who was in office when Jaycee was first kidnapped and raped at the inception of her 19 year torture and imprisonment?

Dugard's stepfather says she's going to need a lot of therapy — you think? — so perhaps she should take a respite before confronting the new realities.

Hint number one you should look for a new topic for your sports column--you find yourself discussing the amount of therapy rape victims will need in order to finally enjoy sports again.

•Michael Jordan did indeed win the big one, and five others.

•Yeah, this golfer really is named Tiger Woods.

•Stock car drivers now marry international models and are invited to the White House.

•Domed stadiums, like the ones in Houston and Minneapolis, are considered obsolete, or at least unfit for baseball.

Just totally what I think about when I think about sports in the last 20 years.

•Magic Johnson is a billionaire businessman, and most of us have forgotten just why he had to retire.

Heh.

Basically everything in this article is absurdly stupid, even beyond the ridiculous concept, but let's skip right to the last sentence, which really puts the perfect final horseshit touch on a horseshit column:

Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard.

The Hockey News Bores You Anywhere Now

Using extremely flawed logic, I got a shiny new BlackBerry thinking that one of these interviews I've been on would give me a great new job that I would need it for. All I've gotten so far is The Hockey News application, which let me read this horrible item yesterday.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman splashed cool water on the possibility of expansion this week,

Comma? There's more to this?

but there’s always a chance things will change in the next decade or so.

So why wait? Let's make stupid jokes now.

For the sake of this top 10 list, let’s say another wave of expansion in North America and across the Atlantic Ocean brings the league to 40 teams.

I, Brian Costello, really wanted to write a stupid top ten list. But I'm not creative enough. So I'm going to take my ridiculously stupid idea, and make it even more ridiculous and stupid. Now it's the Beverly Hills Chihuahua of top ten lists!

Sure, the on-ice talent will be watered down, but just think how much scoring would go up.

The idea of anybody thinking and reading this article have gone out the window. Just get to the bad jokes.

Here are 10 nicknames I’d like to see for 10 cities to consider. Just missing the top 10 were the Auckland Golden Seals and the Santiago Gulls.

See, because both the Golden Seals and Gulls were nicknames for teams that played in California/Oakland and San Diego. I wish somebody read this blog in New Zealand so I could find out if there are actually seals there. Somebody will have to write something stupid about rugby that I understand before any Kiwis show up, I suppose.

10. Bratislava Gears. Slovakia’s chief export is machinery and transport equipment.

Yeah, that's all he wrote.

9. Oklahoma City 66’s. It was the first major stop on the original Route 66.

As long as you don't count cities like Chicago, Springfield, IL; St. Louis, Springfield, MO; and Tulsa. But why would you do that when you have a crown city like Oklahoma City?

8. Prague Pils. No country makes a better beer.

Than the Czech Republic? Really? This is also where I remind everyone that I'm from St. Louis and have my own personal beliefs. And if you go on a free tour of the brewery, they give you free beer.

7. Kitchener-Waterloo Black Bears. The area is rife with the little devices.

Then make your stupid nickname joke BlackBerries. Shit. Why was this list made again? Because there is no expansion?

6. Moscow Freeze. Cold and intimidating

No period at the end. Freeze is also Brian Costello's favorite prostitute, for the same reason he likes the nickname.

5. Kansas City Fountains. The city claims to have the second most fountains in the world.

See, I would have gone with "worthless scrotums" here, but that's why I don't get paid to write. They do have a lot of fountains, and the city still sucks.

4. Stockholm Nordics. Quebec’s not using the moniker anymore.

Nobody used this moniker. Except for home fitness machines.

3. Winnipeg Jets. The old logo would need to be spruced up.

This guy had to make a list of these and then rank them to see which one was the best. And this hit #3.

2. Helsinki Formulas. Its players would have the best hairlines in the league.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!! Like the shampoo! The players wouldn't be bald! Best hairlines in the league! As long as you disregard the fact that the IIHF wouldn't let the NHL just put a team anywhere in the world they want.

1. Las Vegas Gamblers. Let’s not try to fool anyone here.

Because every person in Las Vegas has a gambling problem. That's why they would live there.

Can't wait to keep up with this publication all season long. It's only preseason and already it sucks.

Someone Please Enlist Scoop Jackson In a Deep Space Exploration Program

[Sometimes, I try to tackle an article but it's just so infuriating and ridiculous that I can't bring myself to do a good job. I'm just too frustrated, have nothing to work with because the article is just an abyss of stupidity, or both. This is one of those times. I'm admitting it up front- this post is going to suck. I'm not proud of it at all. Read if you want, but if you want to spend your four minutes doing something more productive, I'll briefly summarize it for you right now: Scoop Jackson is a fucking dolt.]

The US Mens Basketball team just won the gold medal they were (sort of) favored to win. It's a pretty good story. So if you're Scoop, how do you ruin it? QUICK! Take a fucking preposterously contrarian stance! I'm not even exaggerating- this might be the most outrageous article I've ever seen in that department.

Did the Redeem Team Really Come Through?

Yes. They went undefeated and won the gold medal.

Now what?

Quit your job immediately. Donate all your money and worldly possessions to charity, move to the mountains, and stop bothering people.

Now that the best $40 billion in sports has been spent. Now that IOC president Jacques Rogge can say "I told you so" about why the committee chose China. Now that Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt have ascended to the Tigersphere, while Liu Xiang and Matthew Emmons have descended into an Olympic sorrow that always outweighs the joy most athletes leave with.

Completely irrelevant. This is like starting an English paper about Dante's Inferno with a series of random facts about Italy.

Now what?

Now that the United States has supposedly redeemed itself in the basketball world, now what?

Yes, you read that right, "supposedly."

How deep. You're really making me question everything I once thought I knew. Now that Michael Phelps SUPPOSEDLY just turned in the greatest individual performance in Olympic history... GASP. What if he didn't? WHAT IF, PEOPLE, WHAT IF?

The reason caution needs to be thrown in the post-Olympic detox is because it seems like, as a nation, we are getting a little caught up. Caught up in the belief that USA's gold medal in men's basketball brought back everything the country lost in the game during the past 16 years.

Sweet mother of fuck. Are you kidding me? What, exactly, did we lose in the last 16 years? One Olympic gold and a couple of World Championships?

Some are even going so far as to say this team could compete with, and on occasion beat, the original Dream Team. Again, too caught up.

Maybe. But who cares? Who is judging this team with that criterion? Can't we just be happy with what we've got?

Yes, the Redeem Team did what it was supposed to do.

Great. Here's a great opportunity to end the article, no hard feelings.

But now that we "re-hold the gold," is everything really back to the way it used to be? Back to the way it should be?

WHO CARES, WE FUCKING WON. 1992 isn't coming back anytime soon. We'll never be that far ahead of the rest of the world again.

It all depends on your definition of "redeem."

Semantics. Riveting journalism.

After it was over, Carlmelo Anthony said, "I think we did a hell of a job of putting America back where it's supposed to be, which is at the top of the world." LeBron James said, "If it wasn't for the determination and willpower we had, we wouldn't be back on top of the world, which is where we are."

The question is, back on top of the world or back as rulers of the world?

More semantics. Thank God this guy gets his writing published on the front page of the world's #1 sports website.

Ask yourselves: Was America's mission just to recapture the gold in Beijing, or to re-establish itself as the premier basketball superpower in the world?

Call me nuts, but I'm pretty sure the second goal is included in the first.

Ever since the Dream Team left Barcelona in August 1992, there has been a sweeping rush by the rest of the world to get its hands on what the U.S. used to hold sacred and hold down. And it did.

Right. Because the rest of the world used to suck at basketball, relative to the skill level of NBA players. Once they started learning the game, they were able to raise that skill level and combine it with some crafty teamwork to the point that the NBA players don't have a gargantuan advantage anymore. And they never will again, either. They'll have to settle for "just" winning gold medals while exerting a pretty reasonable amount of effort.

Now, with the U.S. finally getting the gold medal back, it seems that the proper global basketball pecking order is back in effect.

But what happens after this?

NOTHING, WE ALREADY FUCKING WON

What happens in the 2010 FIBA World Championship? What happens in 2012, when it comes time to defend?

WE TRY TO WIN AGAIN

What happens when Kobe Bryant isn't around to make a four-point play with 3:10 left in a gold-medal game to save the team's asses?

THAT WON'T BE THE CASE FOR TWO OR THREE OLYMPICS, AND BY THEN HE'LL BE REPLACED BY SOMEONE WHO'S JUST AS GOOD

The bottom line is it's not always about the win. Sometimes it's not that simple. In the case of Colangelo & Co., there will be doubts -- even as well as they performed -- and questions regarding whether or not they did enough to reposition the U.S. as not only the team that won, but a nation the rest of the world does not want to face on a 94-by-50-foot battlefield.

Here's an idea. Conduct a poll of all the coaches and players on all the international basketball squads that qualified for any of the last two Olympics or World Championships. Tell them that they have to play one team, in one game, with their lives on the line. If they don't win this game, they will be shot on the court once the final buzzer sounds. And ask them: which team in the world they would least like to play in this morbid situation. If any of them don't say the good ol' US of A, they are lying.

Sure, the U.S. beat Spain by 11 to win the gold. But the bigger picture is it beat a team by 26 points fewer than it did only a week before, in a game that should have meant much more to the Americans than the Spanish -- and in a game in which Spain's starting point guard sat out and a 17-year-old ran the show.

It's time to face facts, people: we can't beat the second best team in the world by 37 every time we play them.

Sure, the Americans beat the defending Olympic champion, Argentina, by 20 in the semis. But the bigger picture is they did so with Argentina playing without its star (Manu Ginobili) for most of the game due to an injury, and its second-best player (Andres Nocioni) virtually playing on one leg.

Uh …

Yeah, "uh..." Go ahead. Finish your thought.

Where's the dominance in that?

Neither of those games were realistically in question after halftime.

For the next four years, the rest of the global basketball community will basically think, quietly yet collectively, "The Americans got the gold, but … " In other words, because of the way it won, the U.S. left open the conversation for any and everyone to finish that above sentence with, " … if Ginobili hadn't gotten hurt, or if Calderon had played, Argentina or Spain probably would have beat them."

BUT THEY DIDN'T

Yes, you read that right, "beat them."

I know I read it right. I'm fluent in English. Thanks for being so dramatic.

As in beat the USA, the Re-Dream Team. Even with the gold in its hands, the one thing that can be taken away from this Olympics is that the U.S. is back to being great, but not much greater than everyone else.

Yes, because everyone else doesn't suck as badly anymore.

Teams like Argentina might go so far as to place an asterisk next to this victory. Because, in their minds, they know.

Those are the most ridiculous two sentences in the history of sports journalism.

And, to be honest, that's not what we as a nation needed. The U.S. team needed to redeem itself -- not just to be the best, but to be the best by a wide margin.

1992 isn't happening again, Scoop. It's not. Deal with it.

Yes, the world has gotten much better at a game we love to call ours, and there probably never will be another era when the U.S. beats teams by 30-40 points when medals are on the line.

THANK YOU

But if the U.S. team is not able to expose Pau Gasol in a gold-medal game the way the Celtics did in an NBA Finals, then it's not yet time for us to start believing our own hype.

I couldn't care less how the X's and O's break down. I care who won.

And until the rest of the world is back to feeling that the U.S. is unbeatable in basketball,

This will never happen again.

until the U.S. separates itself from the rest of the world by sending a message saying "this is about more than a gold medal, this is about true redemption,"

Is "true redemption" in any way related to the concept of "True Yankee(s)?"

then we as a nation can't feel confident that the gold medal we just won is going to be ours again four years from now.

I sure am. In four years, I can guarantee you the US will field the most talented team at the London Olympics. Does that guarantee we will win the gold? No. Does it make me confident we will win the gold? Yes. And do I alone speak for the nation as a whole? Yes. The end. Scoop Jackson: in many ways, even stupider than Jemele Hill.

Who Did You Miss More: Me For the Last Week, or Gregg Easterbrook For the Last Several Months?

I'm sure the answer is "neither," but please read on anyways. You've come this far already- why not waste the next six minutes or so? To his credit, I will acknowledge that TMQ leads his first column of the 2008 season with a fantastic excoriation of Brett Favre. I couldn't agree more with his opinions on the matter. Of course, everything grabs the express train to Shitstown shortly thereafter.

The Book of Revelation Warns, "Verily, Ye Shall Know the End of Days Approaches When All Bow Before the Airheaded One." The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover.

You are a snob.

Buyers Received a Free Copy of Madden 2010: The 2009 Toyota Corolla went on sale in March 2008.

Nobody cares.

Excuse Me, Could You Move That Cargo Ship? I'm Trying to Tan: The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach.

That's the whole item. There is no other text anywhere else in the article that relates to it or further clarifies why it's here. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag. "The Great American Lager" is now La Grande Bière Blonde Américaine. Days after becoming Belgian, Anheuser Busch signed a deal to sponsor the U.S. Olympic team through 2012. They will tell us not to worry when the training table menu for the U.S. Olympic team mysteriously becomes chocolates and burgers with bordelaise -- cheeseburgers with bordelaise being an actual fast-food item at Quick, Belgium's answer to McDonald's. They will tell us not to worry while Budweiser brewery workers in St. Louis are ordered to attend mandatory classes in snobbery and surrender, the Scylla and Charybdis of Belgian culture.

Oh, the irony. Those Belgians are such pompous asshats. Get over yourself, Belgium! (Actually, I've been to Belgium once, no joke. Spent one night in Brussels. The people seemed friendly enough, but really blew at giving directions. Anyways-)

Globalization Strips to Two-Piece: The Redskins cheerleaders were hired to promote a cricket team in India, and caused a local sensation by being "too sexy." TMQ does not recognize that there is any such concept as "too" sexy. Though you can understand why scantily clad cheer-babes did not mesh with cricket. Excitement and cricket do not go together!

Hey, and what's the deal with that airplane food? How come men always leave the toilet seat up? Black people and white people suuuuuuuuuuuure are different. Tip your wait staff, everyone.

New York Times Correction of the Year: The New York Times recently published a correction of a correction: "An article on Saturday about Representative Charles B. Rangel's defense of his use of four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem, and a correction in this space on Wednesday, omitted the source of an assertion …"

Who edits this column? Seriously, I don't want to be a hypocrite and make a hacky joke, but this thing is long enough as it is. I really don't think this piece of crap or the part about the beached ship are 100% necessary.

Tracy, Hepburn to Star in "Wall-E II": Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots. But then again, compared to most of today's megabucks Hollywood stars, mute robots have broad acting range.

I'm imagining Gregg delivering this in front of a gritty brick wall with a spotlight shining down on him. I'm also imagining a distinct and deafening silence ensuing shortly thereafter.

"Michelangelo's 'Pieta & Robin' Left Me Staggering!" -- Orvieto Daily Etruscan: An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering."

I didn't think it was the best movie of all time, but I can't disagree that the presentation very well may have left me (figuratively) staggering.

The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."

I'm sure that comment wasn't meant to be intentionally over the top.

Gives New Meaning to "Cheat Keys": If the NFL won't suspend Bill Belichick for his sins in Spygate, how about this punishment: Put him on the cover of the next "Madden" game!

I can't think of any other ways to point out how unfunny this guy is.

Though it is Possible God Sent Erwin Lutzer and Sharon Stone to Punish Humanity: Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians. The Chinese government does persecute Christians, but Lutzer's claim was too much even for Fox News -- the host countered that the dead were poor people who do not make government policy. The same month, Sharon Stone suggested the earthquake was "karmic" retribution for Beijing's repression of Tibet. This cost Stone her role as endorser for Dior, which is selling well in China, and inspired the official Xinhua News Agency to dub Stone "the public enemy of all mankind."

Please -- it was an earthquake, a spontaneous movement of the Earth's crust. It was not sent by God, by the karmic wheel or by any larger agency. It just happened. Some Christians insist on believing God controls daily events; there's no indication of this in history, and this is never claimed in scripture. (The notion of divine control of daily life comes from preaching and from hymnals, not the Bible.) As for karma, many forms of evidence, for instance the world's corrupt wealthy people living in luxury, run against the contention that misdeeds are repaid by fate. Like all natural disasters, the earthquake was just something awful that happened. Don't insult the dead by saying a cosmic force actually wanted them to die.

I've got two words for you: Football. Gods. And if you think Easterbrook doesn't actually believe in them, just go back and read (among others) the piece he put out after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Hilarious, yes- but also thoroughly insistent upon the existence of karmic/cosmic forces.

Warning: Read Thriller Under Water: Ads for the latest from genre-thriller writer David Baldacci contain the statement, "When Balducci is on fire, no one can touch him!" If he was on fire, no one would want to touch him.

Taking everything really literally- always a great comedic tactic.

Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take? Below are the results of trade-downs in the first round of the 2008 draft, noting who passed on whom and what the team gained by trading down; the list takes into account players you'd have thought the teams would have been interested in. New England passed on Sedrick Ellis, Derrick Harvey and Keith Rivers, in order to take Jerod Mayo and gain third-round linebacker Shawn Crable. Baltimore passed on Rivers, Mayo, Leodis McKelvin and Ryan Clady in order to take Joe Flacco and gain third- and fourth-round picks minus a sixth-round pick. Detroit passed on Branden Albert in order to take Gosder Cherilus and gain fifth-round wide receiver Kenny Moore. Houston passed on offensive tackles Jeff Otah and Sam Baker in order to take offensive tackle Duane Brown and gain running back Steve Slaton, plus add a sixth-round choice. Philadelphia passed on Otah and Baker in the first round, then high in the second round passed on Jordon Dizon, Malcolm Kelly and Limas Sweed, in order to take Trevor Laws and Quintin Demps, plus bank Carolina's 2009 first-round pick. Green Bay passed on Dustin Keller, Kenny Phillips and Devin Thomas in order to take Jordy Nelson and gain Dwight Lowery.

This is extremely relevant right now, before any of these guys have played a down or established themselves as useful or crappy. Thank you so much. I'll be sure to come back and re-read this list one to three years from now, when it actually means anything.

Phase One of Rupert Murdoch's Master Plan for the Wall Street Journal: From the Wall Street Journal's "Fiscally Fit" column by Terri Cullen: "The recent rise in gasoline prices has prompted my husband and me to change a few habits to save money -- to cut back on unnecessary car trips ... and switch to a gas station that consistently offers lower prices." Wait a minute, why were you taking "unnecessary car trips" in the first place? Why merely cut back, why not eliminate "unnecessary" driving? And if you know of a gas station that "consistently offers lower prices," why weren't you already patronizing it? Remember, the speaker is a financial advice columnist!

*Larry B stares blankly at his computer screen*

TMQ Disclaimer: Linebacker Violence, English Language, Cheerleader Sensuality: TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."

It sure is hard to get anything done around here with all these bulky straw men filling up the room. Listen, pud- those disclaimers aren't there to suggest to viewers that the movies aren't violent. They're there to clarify the type of violence involved, because to many viewers, certain types of violence are "worse" than others. Case in point-

In this summer's euphemisms, ads for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" warned of "adventure violence" -- it's not really violence if you're having an adventure!

You know why the ads say that? Because "adventure violence," e.g., an exciting car chase, isn't really on the same level as "intense wartime violence" or "graphic rape violence." It's not too hard to figure out. Yes, the movie companies are attempting to downplay the violent nature of their movies a little bit. But it's not like they're denying the existence of the violence.

Ads for "Prince Caspian" cautioned of "epic battle action and violence," ads for "The Incredible Hulk" warned of "intense action violence." How is "intense action violence" different from "violence"?

It's a subset of the general category. Not hard to figure out. They're clarifying, not eliminating.

Ads for "Wanted" cautioned of "strong bloody violence" -- is there meek, lighthearted violence?

Yeah, I'd say there definitely is. Someone stomping on a flowerbed might fit the bill. How about a car crashing into a lamppost at 5 mph? Just saying.

Ads for "Speed Racer" -- a children's movie! -- cautioned of "some violence." In what sense is "some violence" different from violence?

It means that parts of the movie have violence, but it's not a thoroughly violent movie from start to finish. Fucking fuck- you have to explain everything to this guy.

Department Store Promotes Beefcake; This Really Must Be the Third Millennium: The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch. It was a Macy's ad! The Macy's Beckham near-nude photo also ran as a billboard in San Francisco's Union Square. Maybe there's something about David that Posh doesn't know?

Because obviously he has control over where Macy's posts his picture. (Oops. I just tried to be funny by taking something too literally. FireJay- where hypocrisy comes to live!)

Amazingly, the Aston Martin Did Not Suddenly Convert into a Submarine: James Bond was attacked by an irate Chilean mayor. Carlos Lopez was angry that though the new Bond movie was filming in the rustic Chilean town of Baquedano, the scene depicts Bolivia. Later, the formulaic-action-movie gods punished the Bond producers by causing an Aston Martin being driven to a set in Italy to plunge off a road into Lake Garda.

Dude. You're killing me.

I think this has been sufficiently long, anyone disagree? Feel free to leave a comment. And if it's a negative comment, feel free to shit in a hat and then put it on and wear it around all day.

Just Stop, Jerry. Fucking Stop.

Continuing the wave of short posts here on FireJay....

Hey everyone! Did you ever wonder which baseball players are good at stealing bases! No? You don't have a clue? You're not really a fan and have been stuck under a rock? Great! Jerry Crasnick just wrote this just for you! Would you ever have suspected that Juan Pierre is one of the best base-stealers in the league? How about Jose Reyes? He's so far removed from the public spotlight that you might never have noticed that he swipes a TON of bases!

If that crap doesn't define useless, Crasnick. I don't know what does. This is officially the first column that was not either blatantly wrong or written poorly that has gotten me really, really, REALLY pissed off. You need to find something else to do for a living, Jerry, because you're just flooding the world with stuff people didn't need you to tell them. I have no idea how ESPN doesn't notice just how little you contribute to the flow of baseball information and analysis.

David Ortiz to the Hall of Fame? Maybe the ESPN Hall of Fame

Tom Verducci examines David Ortiz's HOF chances. Rather poorly if I say so myself

When Edgar Martinez appears on the Hall of Fame ballot after the 2009 season, Boston designated hitter David Ortiz might be watching the election results closely. Ortiz, like Martinez, was a relative late-bloomer in the majors who became a dominant hitter with no significant defensive component to his game. Neither gained full-time status early enough in the majors to accumulate traditionally "magic" lifetime numbers, such as hits, home runs and RBIs. But both men were universally respected by their peers to be among the very best pure hitters of their era.

Things Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz have in common:

-played in the AL their whole careers
-Were DH's
-Both became good players around the age of 27

Things Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz DO NOT have in common:

-being relatively late bloomers--that is, Edgar Martinez's first full season in the majors saw him put up an OPS+ or 132. Ortiz's first full season saw him put up an OPS+ of 101
-the kind of hitter they were:

Ortiz (as Verducci will later explain) is not likely to play much more than 3-5 years. That would put his number of years at peak performance at about 8-10. Martinez had about 14 years putting up All-Star caliber numbers (all-star used as a very general measurement and not a criterion for the HOF, nb): 1990-2003

Ortiz's 162 game AVG (not a perfect measure of a player, but close enough): 36 HR/120 RBI/
Martinez's 162 game AVG : 24 HR/99 RBI/

Martinez's career HR in 18 seasons (15 of them full seasons): 309
Ortiz's career HR in 11 seasons (8 of them full): 266

Why are we comparing these guys again?

Look--I get it--DH is a nebulous position for the HOF. Voters don't tend to like DH's. Ortiz and Martinez are both DH's and Martinez comes up for eligibility this year which makes it timely to compare the two. But here's the thing: THEY WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLAYERS. Ortiz is a guy who had 5 incredible seasons of power and production while Martinez was a guy who put up consistently excellent but by no means breathtaking numbers for a long long time. A better comparison to Ortiz would be Frank Thomas, Jim Thome, Carlos Delgado, or any number of one-dimensional power-hitting studs. Instead we get the lazy no-brain choice...for an entire article.

thought about Martinez, Ortiz, DHs and the Hall of Fame the other day after I sat down with Ortiz at his makeshift breakfast table in the middle of the Red Sox clubhouse.


?.........?

Ortiz hacked away at a plastic bowl filled with granola and a paper plate stressed by almost a dozen hard-boiled eggs, of which Ortiz ate only the whites.

Health! What a paragon of athleticism. And yet, so irrelevant to the article!


Bland? Given Ortiz's lack of enthusiasm for his morning gruel, you could probably find more satisfied diners at the Guantanamo Bay mess hall.

It's amateur-hour at the short-bus school. And yet to a certain extent, this is interesting insofar as it gives us insight to the kind of guy who would latch on to the mere fact that Edgar Martinez and David Ortiz played similar, non-old-timey position as proof positive that one is the HOF-barometer for the other.

"Boring," Ortiz complained. "But this is what I have to do. You don't get better as you get older in your career. It's not natural to have your best years late in your career. So I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep my body feeling good for as long as I can."

Ortiz is 32 years old. He has started to think about retirement. No, Sox fans, he's not ready to pack it in any time soon. But Ortiz has reached a point where he is beginning to think about the end.

"What I don't want to do," Ortiz said, "is just play for the sake of playing. If I can't hit at a high level, I won't play, and I know there comes a point where my body won't be able to do that."

Ortiz is signed through 2010 and the Red Sox hold a rather affordable option for 2011 at $12.5 million. He will turn 36 after that 2011 season. And then?

In other words, Ortiz will probably remain a superstar for about 3-5 more years. Which will give him 8-10 years of being a superstar, about 450 HR and an iffy chance at the HOF. I guess he's like Martinez in more ways than I gave Verducci credit for...

I'm going to skip some of the pap. Here's the part that pissed me off the most (beside the Martinez/Ortiz comparison)

Those questions [i.e. whether Ortiz and, say, Thome according to Verducci should be considered HOF locks] come from a voter who has a decided bias against DHs. They are specialists, not complete ballplayers. That doesn't mean they can't be Hall of Famers, but they better be extraordinary at their specialty because they contribute nothing to half the game. Think closers and field-goal kickers.

Ok....there's nothing necessarily wrong with this general sentiment--I would expect closers and DH to be held to higher rigor than gold-glove position players and starting pitchers. However, this isn't really an issue because middling DH's and closers don't really even come up for debate. Where is the Jim Rice of closers being discussed for the HOF? The only current closers anyone thinks has a chance to make the HOF right now are Rivera and Hoffman (and maybe Smoltz, but he's a SP too). Does ANYONE have any doubt in their mind those two will make it? Edgar Martinez is the only DH I've ever heard of whose #'s wouldn't be a no-brainer as a position player, and he won't make it--BECAUSE HIS NUMBERS AREN'T EVEN GOOD FOR A POSITION PLAYER.

This is so overblown--there are no Ryne Sandberg's or Bert Blyleven (one day, hopefully) being considered seriously at closer or DH. Only superstars--Frank Thomas, Jim Thome, David Ortiz, Trevor Hoffman, Mariano Rivera. Guys whose numbers are insane. Guys who are "guys you would buy tickets to go see play".

Ugh. Oh and field goal kickers? Closer~Field Goal Kicker? I guess NFL teams are paying their field goal kickers bank to make those field goals....right? I guess NFL teams play theme songs like Hells Bells when Nate Kaeding comes out to chip in a 30 yarders. I've EVER seen a dude wearing Adam Vinateiri (the most famous Kicker in NFL)'s jersey.

Closer? Heck, if I'm being generous a kicker is the equivalent to a mop-up reliever. If I'm being realistic a late-inning defensive replacement.

Oh and just one more thing:

Finally, there's the completely unscientific test: give me your five best hitters in baseball. You don't have to crunch the numbers on this one. Just tell me the five guys who you think are the best in the business at squaring up a baseball. If you didn't have Ortiz on that short list in any of the past four seasons, I'd have to question what you've been eating for breakfast.

1. Albert Pujols

2. Barry Bonds

3. Alex Rodriguez

4. Manny Ramirez

5. Travis Hafner

Fuck you Verducci

Raise Your Hand If You Think The Average Article About Sports Needed To Be Written

And also raise your hand if you're not a Hannah Montana fan.

Got you good, asshole. Now you're either a fan of bad sportswriting, or a fan of music aimed at pre-teen girls (and a potential pederast). OK, put your hands down. Enough "yolking" around! Since it's Articles That Didn't Need To Be Written Week here at FireJay, let's just get to the articles that didn't need to be written. Actually, first let's crown a winner from last week's Reader Extra Participation Friday. I'm handing the title to Jeff for pointing out this very relevant fact:

Mark Price has the best career free throw percentage in NBA history, edging out Rick Barry.

But Barry could argue that Price had the luxury of playing his prime years against a more diluted league because of the late 1980's expansion.

That's worth one box of Cheese Nips. Congratulations. It didn't jive perfectly with the topic I assigned, but it's pretty funny anyways. And only two people responded so I didn't have a lot of material to work with. Sorry Jim, better luck next week.

So anyways, let's move on to some absolutely groundbreaking material produced by some of America's finest sportswriterjournalists. These guys really put the "expos(e)" in expository. Foxsports.com's Jeff Goodman wants you to know that there are other good NCAA basketball teams out there besides Tennessee. They tend to fly under the radar a little bit, but if you really job your memory you may realize you've heard about some of these other contenders before. Like, perhaps dozens of fucking times since November.

Tennessee is deep, athletic and talented. The Vols play hard and have proven they can get out on the road and win in hostile environments. They've now proven it at Xavier, in Seattle against Gonzaga and in the most hostile environment that anyone will face this season — in Memphis.

All true. The Red Sox were also very good in 2007, and I hear the Giants' defensive line played well in the Super Bowl.

However, it's not as if it's Tennessee and everyone else.

What? No fucking way. You might as well tell me that babies don't actually get delivered by a stork, or that cigarettes don't cure lung cancer.

North Carolina also has two setbacks — and one of them came without its starting point guard, Ty Lawson. The Tar Heels may not be as deep as a year ago, but Roy Williams still has more than enough firepower — when Lawson is healthy — to play with anyone in the country.

Baloney. Since when has Williams shown he can win in March and April? And since when were they any good this year? Oh, that's right, they have one of the most hyped (notice I didn't say overhyped, but he's still annoyingly regular-hyped) players in the country. He's a big white guy who looks like he should be playing the jocky villain in a teen romantic comedy. Forgot his name though.

UCLA has had a trio of slip-ups, with the most recent one coming at Washington — the ninth-place team in the Pac-10. The Bruins have battled their share of injuries as well — their own starting floor leader, Darren Collison, missed the first six games, Mike Roll has been out for nearly the entire season and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute hasn't been 100 percent in months.

Never heard of them. Call me when you reach back-to-back Final Fours.

Kansas lost at Oklahoma State on Saturday night, but the Jayhawks may have as much talent among their first seven players as anyone in the nation — and what was once regarded as a weakness in the middle, has become a strength with the emergence of Darnell Jackson.

If they don't still have Raef LaFrentz, I'm not interested. Aren't they a football school now anyways?

Duke had a brutal two-game stretch recently, but the Blue Devils are certainly capable of making a legitimate Final Four run. They defend, can shoot and are obviously well-coached.

Insert "Coach K looks like a rat" joke here. That's all I got.

Don't discount Memphis from the equation, either.

Really? They just lost a game in the final minute to another really good team in February. I thought that meant they were ineligible to participate in the tournament.

Even after a disappointing performance Saturday, John Calipari's club still has the toughness, experience and talent to advance to San Antonio.

Not a chance. No way. I'll give them that first round win over DeVry A&M, but I refuse to pick them against the winner of the 8/9 or 7/10 game in their bracket. Give me Marquette and the under. As you can see, this article absolutely didn't need to be written. I don't have a ton of time, but let's just belabor that point with one more little example. CBSSportsline's Mike Freeman wants you to know that not all NCAA athletes are law abiding citizens. Re: The Tennessee Volunteers:

On Jan 11, 2008: Police cite freshman wide receivers Gerald Jones and Ahmad Paige for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop near campus while the two hosted a recruit from Oklahoma on his official visit, the newspaper reported. Freshman offensive lineman William Brimfield, who was with Paige and Jones at the time, was not charged by police but was disciplined by Fulmer.

On Jan. 21: Campus police arrest freshman tailback Daryl Vereen for public intoxication and underage consumption after responding to a call of a fight in progress outside an on-campus residence hall.

On Jan. 26: Police arrest All-SEC lineman Anthony Parker for disorderly conduct at an off-campus apartment complex, the paper says. Public intoxication, drunkenness, and fights seem to be a main theme when it comes to rules breakers in the Tennessee program. If only the Volunteers had that kind of fight in them when they played Florida.

Feb. 2: A walk-on defensive back, Vince Faison, was arrested for DUI after police found Faison passed out behind the wheel of his truck in the parking lot of an on-campus fast-food restaurant with the engine running, the paper wrote, and his foot on the brake pedal with the vehicle in gear. Well, hell, who hasn't passed out after gorging on too many burgers and fries? So judgmental, you people.

Feb. 13: Fulmer dismisses two players, the paper reports, for an undisclosed violation of team rules. Both players were arrested within the past 18 months. I can't imagine what it takes for Fulmer to toss someone off the team. A meeting with the Taliban? Eating someone's liver with fava beans?

Feb. 17: Police arrest the Vols' punter for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident after he allegedly struck a parked car causing more than $400 in damage. The punter allegedly bolted from the accident. Who says punters aren't real athletes? Probably ran so fast the police put out an APB for Deion Sanders. The punter's case is an interesting one. It wasn't the first time he found himself in trouble, or even the second. Or the third. This could be his fifth alcohol-related offense, according to the Knoxville paper. That's where you just wonder what the hell Fulmer is thinking.

1. I have no idea why he's picking on UT specifically. I don't really care that he is, because I don't give a shit about them, but it seems strange. Any number of schools have the exact same problem.
2. Anyone who isn't aware of this kind of thing already is not the kind of person who is going to come to CBSSportsline and read this article. So, thank you for telling a bunch of people who are already sports fans something that every sports fan knows.
3. What the hell Fulmer is thinking is that he gets paid to win, not to run a program with no criminal incidents. I think that aspect of big money college sports is pretty well documented.

Again, the transgressions listed are all solely from this year. Fulmer's track record in this area is extensive. He leaves a trail of player arrests, DUIs and serious crimes in his ample wake yet suffers no significant penalty for running the 21st-century version of The Mean Machine. And the NCAA sits on its hands and monitors telephone calls. It's ironic that Fulmer would be in greater trouble with the NCAA if he made illegal contact with a recruit than when one of his players allegedly hits a car and runs from the crime like a gutless turd.

Every turd is by definition made out of guts, so that insult doesn't work. And do you want to know why the NCAA seems to care more about recruiting violations than delinquent programs? Because when schools cheat, no one else besides their governing body is going to penalize them for it. On the other hand, when kids get in trouble, schools are supposed to adequately police themselves. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Usually they fall somewhere inbetween. But at least they almost always put up the appearance of trying to fix the problem. When Kelvin Sampson committed his violations, there was no way Indiana itself was going to do a damn thing about the issue. Like so many others, this article did not need to be written.

Tomorrow: Baseball has a steroid problem! Tom Brady is dating that ugly-faced supermodel! And the NBA's Western Conference is probably much stronger than its Eastern Conference!

mike celzic fails to understand irony

the venerable msnbc.com journalist known as "hatguy" wrote this article back on sunday, but it's definitely still worth reviewing. re: mr. april (you know exactly who i'm talking about), and the possibility that his agent scott boras has already been talking with the cubs about him being a part owner upon retirement in addition to playing there for the rest of his career. now, follow along and see if you can find the irony.

The big magazine article is out, the denials are in place and Alex Rodriguez, near the end of one of what may be his greatest season as a hitter, is once again the center of controversy, seemingly without even trying.

how does he do it? i've always assumed it's because he has a job with every major media news outlet. so whenever he so much as takes a piss, he immediately goes to the offices of all these media outlets and gets a story about himself published. i mean, what other possible explanation is there for all the exposure he gets?

“Great players with great demand create great rumors,” Boras told the Associated Press, and even that denial reeked of spin and ego, as if this sort of thing is to be expected.

non sarcastically- yes, this particular rumor is a little bit outside the scope of the norm. it's not everyday you hear about a player possibly negotiating to own one of the most valuable teams in sports before he even plays for them. i acknowledge that. at the same time, i'm still comfortable saying:

sarcastically- how dare scott boras imply that a popular and hyperexposed player like a-rod (who plays in new york to boot) is often at the center of media firestorms! what is he, high? great players in great demand don't creat great rumors. we all know how it really works- shitty players not in demand at all create great rumors. did you hear journeyman reliever rudy seanez recently bought a new TV? true story, i read about it on teh internets.

What’s got to be annoying to the Yankees is the timing of this – a week before the playoffs. When the story should be about the Yankees’ remarkable comeback from 14.5 games back to the brink of the AL East title, it’s about A-Rod. It always seems to be that way.

funny how that works. i'm curious- what's your theory about why people constantly talk about arod, mike? maybe you and several hundred of your fellow sportswriters should write columns containing your explanations for this strange phenomenon for several years, and let the fans read them and decide. that might help clear things up because i currently have no idea. none. and for me it would kill two birds with one stone, because personally i feel like i don't know enough about a-rod. he's really kind of underexposed. what's his personal life like? does he have a girlfriend? do he and derek jeter hang out ever? please, someone link me.

i really don't have enough energy to address any of the other central points of the article. to sum it all up-

1. yeah, scott boras is a sleazy guy.
2. yeah, if this rumor is true, it's a sleazy thing to do.
3. yeah, the timing of it is maybe a little bit questionable.
4. but far and away, most importantly- here we have yet another goddamn column about arod. more specifically it's one about something related to him that hasn't even been verified. and within it- this column made out of guesswork, theorization, and vague attempts at serious analysis- hatguy has the gall to fucking complain about how arod is always in the news. unbelievable.

my parting shot, unrelated to the central idea of the piece-

He’s an incredible baseball player, but stuff like this sure does make him annoying, sometimes to distraction. He’s like the guy who cuts the cheese in a crowded elevator and doesn’t get why everybody’s trying to get away as far away from him as possible and making faces – after all, the odor doesn’t bother him.

who the hell does hat? who is this imaginary guy mike's referring to? i'm a 23 year old bachelor who still usually thinks bodily function jokes are funny. i have a lot of brash and crude friends who think pretty much the same way. and when we're hanging out together in private, we often laugh at any "cheese" that might get "cut" by one of us. yet i still have to say that i definitely don't know anyone like this guy, who would react as mike describes to a fart released among strangers. i'm pretty sure even the brashest and crudest of my beer swilling, self scratching, profanity using, about-their-appearance-and-demeanor-not-caring friends would be embarrassed to pass gas in a crowded elevator. this ridiculously off point "don't you readers know exactly who i'm talking about?" analogy kind of makes me wonder what celzic does when he lets one loose in a crowded public place. *shudder*

Uninteresting Journalism 102

Here's an article from Fox sports writer Jay Glazer, who is most certainly not a blogger, making his predictions for certain outcomes in 2007. Notice how utterly banal and unenlightening it is:

2007 MVP: Drew Brees. Just didn't want to go along with everyone else and say Peyton Manning. Manning is clearly the league's most effective player but that's too easy of an answer. In sticking with my reasoning, Brees and head coach Sean Payton have had a full year to figure out how to use Bush, McAlister and Co. even better. Better? Scary thought. LT will also get votes because one thing the man does is work his butt off. Tomlinson is always looking to improve, despite being on his way to becoming the most productive rusher in NFL history. But in the end, Brees should light up the skies over Louisiana again.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily think any of these players are bad picks (although Brees isn't exactly looking like a genius guess after last night). But what's the point of, in an article about going out on a limb and making predictions, merely mentioning the three top vote getters last year? I'm surprised he didn't list Tiki Barber. Gee what a shocking prediction--Drew Brees will probably be good, but if not LT or Manning will be.

THE NEXT GREAT THING AWARD: Rams RB Steven Jackson. Looks more like a linebacker than a running back. Rams coach Scott Linehan will move him around a bunch to get the plethora of mismatches awaiting defenses. Jackson has the size, speed and is a better receiver than he's given credit for. He's about to explode on the scene folks.

Steven Jackson is "The Next Great Thing"? Steven Jackson the 4th year player who had a very good 2006? He's "The Next Great Thing"? I mean, even if we are to buy into the idea that this is his "breakout" season, everyone pretty much knows how good Jackson is. I haven't seen a FFB rankings that has Jackson out of the top 5 picks. I'm just shocked he didn't pick Frank Gore here. Or Larry Johnson!!!

COACH WHOSE BUTT IS HOTTEST ON THAT HOT SEAT: Tom Coughlin. Mr. Coughlin is already mired in controversy and the season hasn't even started. He nearly lost his job a year ago but saved it with a playoff berth. The Giants have more soap opera plots than the best show in the universe, Flavor Of Love.

FANTASY SUPER SLEEPER AWARD: Cadillac Williams. Man, how much have we forgotten about this guy? Last year he was a sure-fire top 10 pick. But now Williams is way down on most team's draft boards because of a subpar 2006. Williams is healthy again and worked his butt off this off-season and could be one of those sleepers who make fantasy owners rev their engines.

Snooze.

PRESSURE COOKER AWARD: Rex Grossman. Is there a guy who gets questioned more in this league than Grossman? He took his team to the Super Bowl and still fans were asking "When is Rex going to the bench?" questions after half the team's wins. Those questions will only subside if Grossman doesn't make ample mistakes in losses ... as well as wins.

Oh goody. You mean there's pressure on Rex Grossman? I hadn't heard....

COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Donovan McNabb. He's healthy but for how long? If he can last the season without injury he's primed to light it up for the Birds.

I think this one is my favorite. A previously injured superstar, if he can stay healthy this year, will be comeback player of the year. Wow. What hubris! I wish he would have done the same for the MVP: "Drew Brees is my pick for MVP, provided he has a better year than Peyton Manning or LT". Oh wait--HE DID!

COACH OF THE YEAR: Lovie Smith. This team has lost its starting RB from a year ago and can they really rely upon Devin Hester for a million TDs again? Plus, Rex is still at QB (see Pressure Cooker Award above). But despite these questions, the Bears will be a force again and Smith should lead them right back to at least the conference championship.

Not much to say here but "I doubt it."

SAVING HIS BUTT AWARD: Brian Billick. Although his act is tiring, his defense and the addition of Willis McGahee should be enough to get this team to be a bona fide powerhouse and thus, keep Billick at the helm for yet another season. If this team somehow falters, I could definitely see ownership finally sweeping him and his perennial sluggish offense out the door.

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS TIME!!!!

Jamal Lewis's 2006 stats: 314 carries/1132 yds/3.6 ypc/ 9 TD/ 2 fumbles lost (AGE=27)
Willis Mcgahee's 2006 stats: 259 carries/990 yds/ 3.8 ypc/ 6 TD/ 2 fumbles lost (AGE=25)
Steve Mcnair's 2006 age: 33
Steve Mcnair's 2007 age: 34

I know the general consensus (for whatever reason) is that Lewis is on the downswing and Mcgahee is on the upswing...but I guess I don't see how Mcgahee's 2007 is going to be such an upgrade over Lewis's 2006 to make a mediocre offense with an aging QB a powerhouse. Baltimore may or not be a great team this year, but don't you suppose that will have more to do with their exceptional defense than the judgment on Mcgahee by the same scouting team that thought Kyle Boller wouldn't be one of the bigger 1st round QB busts in recent history?

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Vikings RB Adrian Peterson (offense)/ Falcons DE Jamaal Anderson (defense). Peterson is set up to get a major load of carries and has the explosion to wrack up big numbers. Anderson has an abundance of potential as a pass rusher and in the end, sacks helps get notoriety.

NEXT HOT COACHING CANDIDATE: Ravens defensive coordinator Rex Ryan. Interviewed for San Diego's gig last year> And as long as the Ravens don't make it to the Super Bowl, Ryan is ready to take his take-no-prisoner's defensive scheme to a squad sorely in need of help on that side of the ball. Last year our pick for the next hot coaching candidate was Mike Tomlin so we're at least 1 for 1.

POISED FOR STARDOM AWARD: Cowboys LB DeMarcus Ware. With Wade Phillips' attacking defensive scheme coming to town, Ware should explode. He's already been rising in the eyes of people inside the NFL but this is the year everyone else will realize he's primed to be a dominating player.

SUPER SOPH AWARD: Reggie Bush. Now that he knows more of what he's looking at out there, it spells major trouble for defensive players and coaches league-wide. Despite being all over the place in ads, Bush has stayed remarkably grounded and during the season he's all business. I think we're all about to see a season full of highlight runs and catches we haven't seen since Barry Sanders.

These all seem plausible, if mundane. Two of the higher profile first round players in the draft for ROTY, the defensive coordinator of the best defense in the league for next big head coach, last year's ROTY for future superstar, and Reggie Bush. Nothing wrong here, but anyone who follows football even reasonably close would have probably picked the same...

So, like, snooze.

BIGGEST LETDOWN TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD: Terrell Owens will be a choir boy. We won't have the weekly soap opera like we did a year ago. Not sure if TO will make it healthy through a whole season but he's been such a team player to this point combined with Wade Phillips demeanor, in my opinion, will spell a relief from all the garbage we've had to talk about the last two years.

What a dumb
a.) category
b.) prediction

BTW: TO has already ruffled some feathers by mentioning two non-Romo QB's as the one's he wished he played for. I guess that's sort of like a choirboy saying that the two deities he wished he worshipped were Neptune, god of the sea, and Baal the pagan god. And, you know, choirboys do that all the time, so I guess technically Glazer's not wrong.

UNDER THE RADAR AWARD: Patriots WR Wes Welker. With everyone talking about the addition of Randy Moss, Adalius Thomas and even Donte Stallworth to a point, Welker may have the biggest year out of all of them. He'll be huge for Tom Brady in red zone situations and is a standout on special teams.

Frankly, I heard a lot of analysts talking about how Welker was the Patriot's best acquisition of the offseason (and I agree with them)...but I guess I can get down with this pick in principle.

My diagnosis: adequate babysitting....I mean...prognosticating.

BIGGEST DIVISIONAL TURNAROUND: NFC West. Every team in this division has gotten better and each team now has a true stud (or stud in the making) at QB and bona fide Pro Bowl-caliber RB. While the offensive attacks will help outside the division, the defenses in this division should decide the winner. Still, the NFC West should no longer be sneezed at.

BIGGEST QUESTION MARK: Cedric Benson. With all the attention centered on Grossman, has everyone forgotten about replacing a guy with 2,545 yards rushing over the past two years? The task falls in the lap of Benson, who also has to deal with replacing one of the locker room's most beloved members. If he can't justify his draft selection, not only will Grossman have a rough year, the Bears will need to find other answers as well.

SOLIDIFY HIS PLACE IN HISTORY AWARD: Ravens LB Ray Lewis. When players get old people tend to talk about them losing a step. They've said Lewis has lost a step for years. This year, I bet he finds all the steps he supposedly lost and uses them to run right back up to the top.

BIGGEST LETDOWN: Randy Moss. Once the Pats signed him the entire NFL universe crowned the Pats. Why even play the season? Why? Moss won't be nearly as effective as was predicted. Not even close.

Snooze. This article was enthralling.