And today is the day I start to chip away at my backlog of Simmons crap

Probably going to take a number of short posts rather than one or two long ones, because in my old age I just don't have the time or energy for the latter.  This is from Bill's NBA playoffs preview.  Since the playoffs are more than a week old, I'll do my best not to spend too much time picking on him for predictions that turned out to be hideously incorrect.  Unless they were the kind of predictions I would have picked on even if I were writing this post ten days ago.  And let's be honest, I've never treated Bill with any semblance of respect or fairness, so I'll probably end up dumping on everything he said because of my 20/20 hindsight.

The Sports Guy's Most Interesting Stories of the Playoffs

IN TEN YEARS, HOW WILL WE LOOK BACK ON THE DAY WHEN THE C'S THREW THEIR HAT INTO THE CHAMPIONSHIP  RING?  And of course as soon as I ruthlessly (and correctly) mock him for his pathetic homerism, Derrick Rose bows out of the playoffs and the Hawks fail to show up in crunch time in a crucial game 2 against the Celtics.  At this point I have to admit that it looks like Boston is a good bet to make the conference finals, meaning that I will have to keep my word and post a public apology.  A small price to pay for watching Miami and their "not a real big three" big three demolish the Celtics.

25. Joe Johnson

Known for being totally overpaid and totally overrated, which, of course, now makes him underrated. 

Billck Klostimmons strikes again.  DO RADIOHEAD NEXT!!!

He's probably the league's fourth-best starting 2-guard behind Wade and Kobe (unless you wanted to talk me into Arron Afflalo, a much better defender); 

Too bad Bill has a well-documented stance against allowing himself to be edited.  Another pair of eyes might have caught that one.  And Bill still probably would have stetted it back.

he's extremely comfortable in crunch time and because of his size (right around 6-foot-7), he can shoot over any undersize defender (Avery Bradley, Randy Foye, 

Foye plays for the Clippers.  I've give you a shiny half dollar if he and Johnson cross paths this playoffs.

Lou Williams, whoever). Of course, it's difficult to concentrate on these things when Atlanta owes Johnson $107,333,589 over this season and the next four — repeat: one hundred and seven million, three hundred and thirty-three thousand, five hundred and eighty-nine dollars — and when you throw in Johnson's lack of charisma (I'm being kind), that's the biggest reason why Games 1 and 2 of the Atlanta-Boston series will have about 4,000 Celtics fans in the stands. 

The amount of money Johnson makes has absolutely zero to do with the facts that Atlanta is a terrible sports town and there are Boston bandwagoners all over the country.  Also, why can't he be more charismatic?  Just look at the way Tim Duncan puts butts in seats!  Bill thinks that because he enjoys watching KG yell like a Tourette's sufferer, everyone enjoys watching KG yell like a Tourette's sufferer.

Atlanta fans should appreciate Johnson a little more. He's really good.
(By the way, when I mentioned this to Atlanta's own Rembert Browne, he snickered and said, "Nah, Joe Johnson ruined professional basketball in Atlanta." Well, then.)

He was agreeing with you and speaking facetiously, you fucking dunderhead.

24. Steve Novak

Steve Novak is not the 24th most interesting story on his own team.

Random guarantee: A Novak/J.R. Smith shooting barrage will swing one of the Knicks-Heat games. And you know Carmelo is winning one (at least) by himself. That means the series is going six games … at least. 

God I wished Miami had finished that series off on Sunday.  This is still a pretty stupid guarantee that I would have mocked before the playoffs started.  Unsurprisingly Novak hasn't done jack shit in the series because Miami is a good perimeter (and help) defensive team.  Smith is a more useful player than Novak against a team like Miami since he can create his own shot, but he's shooting 5 for 24 from behind the arc so far.  Also, game 4 was presumably the game Melo wins on his own.  So stay tuned, Knicks fans.  Maybe Novak can get you to that game 6 just yet.

(We'll see if I have the balls to pick New York by the end of this column. Don't think I'm not considering it.) 

BECAUSE CHRIS BAWSH IS NAWT A REAL MEMBAH OF A REAL BIG THREE!  HIS 18/8/2 LINE ON 49% SHOOTING AS THE #3 OPTION ON THE TEAM IS NAWT IMPRESSIVE!

/watches Ray Allen limp through the playoffs and towards retirement

By the way, the dorkiest moment in NBA history is a 75-way tie between every big Novak 3 when he gave himself the Aaron Rodgers belt this season.

Bill such a homer he won't even admit how incredibly awkward former Celtic great Brian Scalabrine looks anytime he's on the court.

23. Zach Randolph
Remember when Z-Bo improbably became one of the six dominant players in last year's playoffs and torched double teams for a solid month, accompanied by a slew of, (Jim Ross voice) "Good God, what the hell is that? My God, that's Zach Randolph's music!!!!!" 

If there's one thing that's true about sportswriting, it's that everyone in the year 2012 loves a severely overdone pro wrestling bit.

stories? This spring, those headlines became, "Can Memphis reintegrate Randolph in time?," and, "Good news: Randolph played in practice without a knee brace today."
Here's the problem: Z-Bo's low-post brilliance was the biggest reason Memphis nearly made the Finals last year. Unfortunately, their best lineup this season has been Gasol-Gay-Mayo-Allen-Conley, a vicious small-ball group that defends the perimeter like pit bulls defending some rich guy's fence. 

There's a juicy analogy.  They guard the perimeter like dogs guarding something!  They play defense like a hockey team that's good at defense!

Now here's where you say, "They can go big with Z-Bo AND small with the other lineup! I'm so excited, I wish I could give Roger Goodell a six-second full-body hug!" 

TOPICAL

Not exactly. See, Z-Bo would have to buy into that idea … and I'm not sure he's that much of a team player. Z-Bo wants to be The Man. Z-Bo loved what happened last year. Z-Bo loved banging bodies with Gasol and dominating the paint. Still, that's what makes the Grizzlies so freaking interesting — if they can ever juggle those two mind-sets (small and big), they're suddenly the best team in either conference. 

Much as I hate both the Heat and the Thunder, no.  That is simply not true.

You heard me. To be continued.

22. Vinny Del Negro

Here's the best-case scenario for a Vinny-Popovich matchup in Round 2.

[Video of the checkers scene from Bad Santa, because if anything at all on the internet is funny, it's taking scenes from movies and substituting them for original analysis or jokes.  HEY THIS THING IS JUST LIKE THAT OTHER THING NOW WATCH]

21. Kenneth Faried, Arron Afflalo and Ty Lawson

Look, it's not like you had to talk me into the nickname "The Manimal."  But I couldn't be happier that it went to a legitimate NBA player — in this case, Faried, who was billed as a relentless rebounder/energy guy heading into last year's draft and exceeded that tag. He's Ben Wallace 2.0. If you're thinking about picking a Denver upset in Round 1, your three best reasons are Lawson (twice as fast as any Laker, and playing really well right now), 

As a Nuggets fan it pains me to admit that Lawson more or less didn't show up for the series.

Afflalo (the best two-way 2-guard right now other than Wade and Kobe) 

A label he hasn't really earned and should not be allowed to keep after his complete and total disappearing act this past week.

and the Manimal (a scary matchup for L.A.'s sometimes-lethargic frontline).

Faried and Javale McGee have been huge pains in the ass for the Lakers at times.  Unfortunately, it turns out that the fact that Gasol and Bynum are both WAY more talented than either of their Nuggets counterparts has pretty much shut down Denver's chances.

In theory, Lawson runs the Slowtime Lakers into the ground; Afflalo locks down Kobe; the Manimal eats up L.A.'s frontline; Denver's perimeter guys hit their 3s; the Nuggets' depth combined with the altitude wears down the Lakers; and suddenly we're looking at a first-round shocker (which is exactly what Barkley picked last night). 

I love Chuck.  Most basketball fans love Chuck.  His prognostication abilities have absolutely nothing to do with that love and this was a dumb pick the second he made it.

Even if this looks good on paper, I can't see it happening — the Lakers dug out too many tight games and HTFDTWTO games this season. This has all the makings of one of those "Denver loses in six even though they led all six games in the fourth quarter" series. God, I hate the Lakers.

Wish it weren't the case (and I wouldn't have thought this would happen had I written this earlier) but Bill has actually overstated Denver's chances.  If they win game 5 tomorrow night my jaw will be on the floor.  The Lakers and their fans can eat a bag of dicks.  

20. Dirk Nowitzki

"OK, Dirk, here's the plan."

"I'm listening."

"We're throwing away our title defense. We're just going to put it in a Dumpster and smear it with dog feces. By the end of the regular season, Delonte West will be our third-best player, we'll be relying on an overweight Vince Carter, we'll have turned Tyson Chandler into a three-headed dose of mediocrity called Brendian Haywonimight, and unless Jason Terry is feeling it, you'll have to shoot every single time in the fourth quarter of every playoff game."

"Got it."

"We might win one game against Oklahoma City, that's it. Then you'll have the spring and summer off."

"Sounds good. One question: Why would we do this?"

"Because we want to sign Deron Williams this summer. This was the only way."

"Deron Williams … the guy who acted like such a dick in Utah that they flipped him into two top-three lottery picks and never looked back and since then he's been playing for a lottery team?"

"Yeah, that Deron Williams. Also, we have a 2.2 percent chance of getting Dwight Howard, too."

"Dwight Howard … the guy who's three months away from quitting on his team and needs season-ending back surgery?"

"Seriously? That's going to happen? How do you know this?"

"I just do."

"Crap."

"Any chance we can come up with another plan?"

(Dead silence.)

Just in case you needed another demonstration of all the talent that turned Bill into a not TV writer.  Christ, even Easterbrook does better fake scripts in his columns than this.

19. Andrew Bynum

For the Lakers to make the Finals, Bynum needs to rip through JaVale McGee and Kosta Koufos in Round 1 (a mortal lock), 

HOW DARE YOU FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE TIMOFEY MOZGOV.

the Kendrick Perkins–Serge Ibaka–Nick Collison troika in Round 2 (much tougher), 

Perkins is such a cheap shot artist.  I hate both the Lakers and the Thunder, but I sincerely hope Bynum dunks Perkins into the third row and then taunts him at some point during that series.  

then either Marc Gasol (tough) or Tim Duncan–Tiago Splitter–Boris Diaw (easy) in Round 3. Does he have it in him? Shouldn't it mean something that he's shooting an astonishing 82 percent in crunch time this season? Eighty-two percent???? 

Back to the "What does it MEAN??  How will we look back on this???" faux-introspective nonsense.  Of course it means something: it means that during crunch time he gets a lot of great looks and rarely makes mistakes.  

Why does it seem like he can get five-footers more easily than any center in recent memory? 

Because he's huge, has great footwork, and plays on the same team as Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol?

Why don't I totally trust him?

Because you're stupid and think KG belongs on the Olympic team?

Quick tangent: More than any postseason in recent memory, these specific NBA playoffs have an inordinate number of legacies at stake. 

Fuck you.  No, they do not.  Fuck your brain.  These playoffs are no different than last year's playoffs or next year's playoffs from that perspective.  Stop trying to blow everyone's mind by making up new levels of meaningfulnessnessity for everything.  It's shameful.  Please stop.

In other words, we'll feel differently about various players and teams by the end of June than we do now. 

Yeah, no one feels differently about Dirk now than they did 12 months ago.

Not that this doesn't happen every spring, 

/slamming head into wall

but this time around, there's legitimate historical implications 

TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN USUAL!  I hear they're putting the results of this year's playoffs in record books of some kind!

for Kobe and the Lakers, 

/game show buzzer

the Popovich-Duncan era, 

/game show buzzer

the KG-Pierce-Allen era, 

/game show buzzer

LeBron and Wade … 

Closest you've been to being right, except the stakes for these two are exactly the fucking same as they were last year, so /game show buzzer

it just keeps going and going. 

/nuclear bomb test footage

In Bynum's case, he's the most logical piece for a Dwight Howard trade (and has been for some time). He can end those rumors by leading the Lakers to the Finals and making it impossible to trade him. Does he like Los Angeles? Does he realize that playing for a forgettable Orlando team would suck? How much does he care? (See, it's intriguing.)

I'M CONVINCED!   

More of this ridiculous bullshit later in the week.

As entertaining as the comment war going on in the next post down is

Let's see what Jon Heyman has to say about the Ryan Zimmerman extension. (And by the way, all of you who think that everything Braun has said is a bunch of face-saving malarkey while everything Mr. Steroid Test Collector Guy has said is the absolute unaltered truth are fucking killing me. You're just. Fucking. Killing me. But I'll let Chris W fight that fight for now.)

The immediate reaction to Ryan Zimmerman's $100 million, six-year extension with the Nationals was this: Where's the hometown discount?

Where's the beef am I right LOL? To answer the question seriously, something I'm loathe to do but am forced to because providing actual analysis in my posts is one of the conditions of my parole, here's how I see it: If Adrian Beltre's age 32 to 37 seasons are worth $96MM over six years (after five years in Seattle, three of which were pretty awful, and one "Hey wait I need another big contract!" season in Boston), then I'm pretty sure that Zimmerman's age 29 to 34 seasons were going to be worth a good amount more than that had he hit the market after 2013. Just pulling numbers out of my ass FanGraphs style here but let's say $120MM/6. Maybe more if the Yankees were ready to move Fish Fillet-Rod (shoutout to Eriz) to DH at that point.

Zimmerman's total contract, which now runs through 2019, guarantees him $126 million, including the two years he already had on his deal. Forget that $126 million has been an unlucky number in baseball contracts (see Vernon Wells, Barry Zito and Nationals teammate Jayson Werth),

Yes, forget that, even if you're a superstitious idiot who normally wouldn't forget it, because Zimmerman hasn't signed a contract for that dollar amount.

it just seems a bit high considering 1) Zimmerman has an injury history,

He missed a medium amount of time in 2008 and 2011 but still cleared 100 games in both seasons. In his other four full seasons he averaged 157 GP. All told he's averaging 136 GP per year. Yes, loosely speaking, he has a history of being injured. No, he is not a fragile player. No, he is not a likely candidate to miss extended time in the future. No, Jon Heyman doesn't give a shit. Jon Heyman is the kind of idiot who would bother to note that there have been some bad $126MM contracts in recent history, and that if you squint and cock your head to the side and stand on one foot, it kind of looks like Zimmerman signed a $126MM contract.

2) he sprayed a few throws in recent years,

So dumb it's not even worth addressing, other than to say that both by advanced metrics and "the eye test"/traditional scouting, Zimmerman is somewhere between a decent and really good defensive player.

and 3) the Nationals have a top third-base prospect in Anthony Rendon.

And since all prospects always pan out... aw, snap.

Said one competing executive of the Nats' two nine-figure deals now in the books: "Seems like they have two $100 million contracts but no $100 million payers.''

PLEEEEEEEEASE please please please please tell me it was Ruben Amaro who said that.

No matter what anyone on the outside thinks, Zimmerman was said to be the Nats' No. 1 priority this winter, and they did get the deal done. They love him for his defense,

But he has sprayed throws in recent years! It was in all the papers!

his clutch hitting,

Always critical to a learned baseball man like Heyman.

his personality and his local roots (University of Virginia). They also recall that he led the majors in WAR one year.

If true, that would be a HUGE strike against Heyman's argument. Fortunately for him it's not, but Zimmerman still seems like a good candidate to be a 4 to 6 win player early in this contract (huge bargain) and maybe a 2.5 to 4 win player later on (a little overpaid or properly paid).

Zimmerman did agree to a $10 million personal services deferral, which means only $116 million of the $126 million counts as payroll and could help the Nationals in terms of flexibility.

The Jinx of Zito is no more! Shrewd move, Mike Rizzo!

/video of Brian Sabean punching a hole through the top of a stovepipe hat

But the reality is he's a one-time All-Star.

Wait, what? Holy shit you can't be serious.

And that's a lot of loot for a one-time All-Star.

Wow, you really did end up boiling it down to the number of times he's made the all star team. That's awesome. And Heyman's analysis ends right there. Well, how about that. Hold on for a sec, let me check my computer machine for something really quick...

Ah, yup, there it is. Yadier Molina is a THREE time All-Star. No wonder his age 30 through 34 seasons are apparently well worth almost $15MM per. MOLINA'S VALUE GOES WAY BEYOND WHAT THE NUMBERS SHOW! NO ONE APPRECIATES HIM, EXCEPT THE MILLIONS OF FANS AND DOZENS OF WRITERS WHO CRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT HOW NO ONE APPRECIATES HIM! (Quick tangent: Dear (most) Cardinals fans, go the fuck away. You're the fucking worst and I hope your team never ever wins another playoff game. I'd cheer for the Red Sox if they played you in the WS this fall, perish the thought. Fuck you and fuck your smug and undeserved sense of accomplishment. Your city stinks and so does your team. I hope Pujols hits 800 career home runs and goes into the hall as an Angel. Signed, not a Cubs fan even though I bet you're sure I am at this point) Meanwhile Zimmerman's value is apparently wholly demonstrated by the fact that he missed like fifty games during two of the past six seasons.

/sits and waits eight years so he can laugh about how bad the Molina deal was and how reasonable the Zimmerman deal was

Hometown Hero Hates Computers

It's about time for our yearly doses of BCS controversy. This week's comes from the Cincinnati Enquirer's Paul Daughtery, who has been featured here before. He's certainly a Cincinnati hometown writer, and to a certain extent I think writers in their hometown papers should be allowed some license. But this article abuses that privilege."BCS is one game UC Can't Win"

"BCS one game UC can't win"

UC wins by 31 and loses three spots in the BCS computer rankings. The Bearcats smack Louisville with a QB who’d never started a college game. The computer says UC had a lousy week.

They beat up on a terrible team. The computer didn't factor in that the QB hadn't started a game before!

That’s because Louisville is bad and BYU is good and TCU won at BYU and Iowa hasn’t lost and Boise State got shafted two years ago and Southern Cal has fabulous cheerleaders. Or some damned thing.

I like how he complains that it's so confusing. Hey, BYU is a better team than Louisville, so a win over BYU should count more! BYU was 6-1 coming in, while Louisville was 2-4.

Also, Iowa, Boise State and Southern Cal all have much more impressive resumes - wins over Penn State, Michigan and Wisconsin (Iowa), Oregon (BSU, though their claim is weakest), Notre Dame, Cal, and Ohio State (USC) are more impressive than Cicninnati's.

It's not debatable.

The rankings account for schedule strength, conference strength, coaches voting, global warming, black helicopters and things that go bump in the night. To the BCS computers, if Florida beats Georgia in the parking lot of a Gainesville Burger King Saturday, it means less than if the Gators had done the winning out behind Weaver D’s Restaurant in Athens. Even if REM is eating there.

What? How hard is it to comprehend schedule strength? How hard is it to explain that a win on the road is a little more impressive than a win at home? How hard is it to explain conference strength?

Also, what are all those references doing here? Is this a Bill Simmons article? REM? Black helicopters? I don't get it.

The Bearcats are taking this well. Brian Kelly is absolutely rational about it. Kelly says all the right things, which for Kelly is highly unusual: We’re in the mix, he says. We have some big games coming up. Nobody’s great. Our players don’t think about it. Let’s let it play out.

Good for Brian Kelly, who is being rational about it. I like how Daugherty is surprised that Mr. Kelly is being rational. Like he expects the coach to share his hysterical, irrational perspective.

“It’s great the university is getting that recognition,’’ the coach allows. “I hope our admissions (are) up.’’

Fabulous. Let’s hear it for more applications.

What Kelly doesn’t say is, the whole deal is rigged. Not rigged in the manner of Soviet elections or nickel slots, but rigged just the same. Bloodlines matter, so Florida will win everything. Unless it’s Texas or Alabama.

Bloodlines matter and playing good opponents matter. How hard is this to understand?

The BCS is ingenious in the way it gets us all worked up about college football. Around here, it’s great we have the chance to get worked up personally. It beats planning the roadie to the Papajohn’s.com Bowl.

Sure, because Cincinnati has its best team in school history. But that doesn't mean they've ascended to the top of college football.

But America isn’t supposed to work this way. We compete. We tap gloves and come out fighting, may the best man win. My mousetrap against yours. We compete. We play off. Computing for a champion doesn’t compute.

Except that all 118 teams in FBS can't play, because a team can only play one game a week, and there aren't 118 weeks in the season. Even the top 25 can't all play! I realize this is a thinly veiled argument for a playoff, but the article doesn't mention any of the stumbling blocks to that end.

I asked Einstein about the BCS. How does it work? I ran it by Galileo, Copernicus and Kant. They had no clue. Stephen Hawking was stumped. Freud said it had something to do with my mother.

Well, I'm glad I read this.

I took my troubles down to Madame Rue. You know, the gypsy with the gold-capped tooth. What about the BCS? She gave me a Nick Saban voodoo doll and some pins. The good fans of Utah begged me to lie down in a cool place.

Well, I'm glad I read this.

“We’re coached just to do what we’re told to do on the field. It’s not a big deal’’ to the players, says Bearcats wideout D.J. Woods. Well, OK, but how come players hung around with their laptops Sunday afternoon, awaiting the new BCS rankings?

Because they want to do well? They're hopeful, even in a tough situation?

“Sunday, everybody was shocked,’’ Woods concedes. “How did that happen? I guess you have to be a big school surrounded by a big stadium.’’

I guess you have to be a school that schedules the best teams in college football instead of SOUTHEAST MISSOURI STATE.

Kelly argues that UC’s success is too new to make a big enough dent. The rookies have to stand on the table and sing their alma maters. You can’t just pledge the BCS frat. You have to swallow some goldfish first.

Or beat some good teams first. The comparison to a frat initiation is asinine. The team has to prove itself on the field of champions, instead of the field of patsies.

“That new person on the block has to prove (himself),’’ is Kelly’s explanation. “We keep winning, we’ll change the perceptions of what those traditional powers are. We’re in the process of putting together another great season.

“(If we) start doing that year in and year out, I think that changes everything.’’

Yes. Or, if your AD would've set up a tougher schedule five years ago, that would've given you a chance.

Maybe. But how many years? How many seasons of 10-win cred does it take a Cincinnati, or a program like it, to break the BCS glass ceiling?

More than one.

What if the Bearcats play, say, Alabama, in the Sugar Bowl, and roll the Tide the way Utah did? Then do they get a seat at the big boy table?

If they play more than one good team and beat them, then yes, they do. One win does not a champion make.

“We’ve got some games in front of us that really are going to serve us well,’’ Kelly adds. True enough, and those wins over Top 25s West Virginia and Pitt would get the Bearcats just high enough to chant “We’re Number Three!’’ if they win their BCS bowl game.

Good luck, Bearcats. But beating West Virginia and Pitt still don't prove your mettle like winning in a better conference would.

The BCS rankings have us talking, all right. Who’s listening?

Lots of people are listening. This is a terrible ending to a terrible article. The BCS has its flaws, I suppose, but this is a stupid article with a stupid premise. Shameless homerism which ignores the facts of the situation - that UC hasn't played and won against good teams, while other teams have - is embarrassing for any news writer or any newspaper.

Pat Forde: Columnist/Grand Marshal for Coach K Pity Parade

Pat Forde wrote this article prior to USA winning the gold medal in men's basketball titled such:

Coach K didn't have to take this gig, which is why he should lauded for it

Wait, Coach Kredibility wasn't forced to participate in the olympics? That means that he's like oh I don't know, maybe about 100% of the other people involved in the USA olympic teams.

They introduce the United States basketball team before each game, and every time it's the same.

Roars for Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. Enthusiastic cheers for the rest of the roster. Silence for coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Egads, the coach didn't get the same level of applause as two of the most skilled, exciting, charismatic, etc. players of all time? What is wrong with olympic basketball fans?

It's a long way from the collegiate love bubble of Cameron Indoor Stadium to NBA-crazy China. The idolatry Krzyzewski is accustomed to at Duke is lost in translation here.

As it is in literally every other arena in America.

A billion Chinese really don't give a damn who coaches this collection of superstars.

Nor should they, as that orang from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back could probably coach this team to a gold medal.

Coach K's mission was to go from college basketball emperor to Olympic facilitator. From the guy with every answer to the guy with everything to lose.

Just note what Forde says here, and then read this next paragraph.

They've called this the Redeem Team, but Krzyzewski needed no redemption. His basketball legacy is secure: three national titles, Hall of Fame membership, status as the most accomplished and authoritative active coach in college basketball. He's in the thick of the debate over who is the all-time greatest college coach not named John Wooden.

So in other words, he really has nothing at all to lose.

Despite all that, the 60-year-old voluntarily stepped out of his considerable comfort zone and put his rep on the line alongside the 12 guys wearing the uniforms.

Again, he was risking NOTHING. If they didn't win the gold, everyone would say that NBA players just can't play international basketball even with the greatest coach ever in the history of sports. Or, if they won, people would say that it had a lot to do with Coach Komendable's incredible koaching.

If the U.S. does win the gold medal Sunday against Spain, the credit will go to the players, who have done everything right these Games. They'll deserve it. They've played with passion, togetherness, respect for the ability of their opponents and appreciation for what the Olympics are all about.

Krzyzewski? He'll receive some ancillary praise for his caretaker's role.

Which of the following was an ancillary reason for the US winning the gold medal:

A. Team USA being so insanely stacked that Dwayne Wade, Chris Paul, Chris Bosh, and Darrent Deron Williams came off the bench.

B. The head coach, who had 5 college/NBA coaches working under him. The Koach who's won all of 1 NCAA national championships in the past 15 years despite consistently having teams filled to the brim with McDonalds' All-Americans.

But if the U.S. loses, repudiation will rain down on the college guy who somehow found a way to screw up a royal flush of professional talent. These days, the loser always gets killed for being out coached -- and if the loser has LeBron and Kobe, he definitely won't be the guy with lesser talent.

Or much more likely, he would dodge blame, just like he does in every year where Duke under performs. Meanwhile, Kobe and Lebron would get raked over the coals by dumb fucks like Skip Bayless who would say crazy shit like "Kobe and Lebron are holding Team USA back."

So far, so very good. The U.S. has won its seven games by an average margin of 30.3 points, and there are no signs of unhappy campers on the American roster. Hell, the All-Star subs are on their feet and cheering as much as the walk-on Dookies Krzyzewski coaches during the winter.

Ubuntu, thy name be Team USA.

And now he's 40 minutes away from joining his former mentor, Bob Knight, as the owner of three NCAA titles and one gold medal. Only a monumental collapse could stop the completion of this redemption mission.

So even Forde realizes it's harder for this team to lose than win.

When America does beat Spain on Sunday, there once again doesn't figure to be any appreciable applause for Mike Krzyzewski in Beijing. But he'll deserve it, for taking a greater risk and accepting a lesser reward.

Jeez, what's that weird ringing sound? It's getting closer. Oh shi--

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMbulance.