Pat Forde Passed Tenth-Grade English

As bad as the article chris w posted last week with the overextended introduction via Death Cab For Cutie was, I think this is even worse.

It's right in the middle of a slow offseason for college football fans; the recruits are settled and Terelle Pryor plans to make a decision next week, but the season doesn't start for another month and a half. So, of course, the WWL's football showpiece, Pat Forde, needs to do something to drum up interest and draw out an article. Rather than just predicting, Pat decided to go with a theme as well. I imagine Pat's final list of themes for the article looked something like this:

1. American heroes - as it's almost July 4th and everyone likes fireworks.
2. Aliens and extraterrestrials - celebrating the Will Smith classic Independence Day and a celebration of world multiculturalism and xenophobia.
3. Gas prices and the war in Iraq - for those of you scoring at home, the terrorists are currently winning.
4. Shakespeare - why not?

Because it's June, and because June is slower than an Ivy League defensive back when it comes to college football news, the boss e-mailed me with a quirky story idea.

The throwaway gag aside, I wonder who Pat's boss is, and I wonder if this is really how things work over at the ESPN Offices, which are doubtless the sort of wacky and fun offices that we glimpse in those hilarious SportsCenter commercials.

The curiosity in me wants to see this email...

He pointed out that Midsummer's Eve was upon us, and the day has a long tradition of being a time for telling fortunes. Some guy named William Shakespeare even built a story around Midsummer's Eve -- and the suggestion was that I do the same.

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal" - Eliot.

"Fuck it, man, the boss wants me to sound like a pretentious asshole while I'm writing about college football, why the hell not?" - Pat Forde

Who can turn down an offer like that?

Good question, Pat. You can't, I guess, but I'm not sure this really applies to anyone else in the world... most of our bosses don't ask us to do things like this.

After reacquainting myself with "A Midsummer Night's Dream,"

Do you think he read the play? It seems that he deliberately avoided saying that he re-read the play; I think, in this context, "reacquainted" means "read the SparkNotes".

it seems Shakespeare himself might have had football on the brain when he wrote it. You don't believe me? I have the evidence.

This is so funny!

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!" -- Was that Puck? Or Tim Tebow?

Why would Tim Tebow say that? Am I missing something?

So he rambles on about some connections between Shakespeare and football and whatever. But on to his predictions:

1. Notre Dame will be better.

No shit. Notre Dame was awful last year. This is a lousy prediction.

Perhaps improved enough to lose another bowl game.

Good thing you qualified that. You wouldn't want to predict a six-win Notre Dame team. That would be really going out on a limb.

But part of the Fighting Irish fan base won't notice, because it'll be consumed with watching for Scourge of Humanity Ty Willingham to fail at Washington.

Most likely. It'll be better than watching Notre Dame play USC, for sure.

3. Rick Neuheisel won't bet on his own team in the office bowl pool.

No shit. His team sucks, and he'll never coach again if he gets in trouble. What kind of predictions are these?

4. Ohio State at USC is the nonconference game of the year.

No shit! I'm glad you predict this, Pat!

Honestly, I really want to know how long it takes these writers to write these articles. I could write this shit in like an hour. At that rate, Forde should pump out eight of these a day, but his archive suggests he gets one out every four days or so.

5. Georgia at Arizona State won't be bad, either.

What a lousy prediction. They both won 10 games last year. You suck, Pat.

There are some other predictions but they're either boring or poor attempts at humor. In sum: The article was poorly written, it has an inane and questionable theme, and the predictions are mostly nonsense. I realize ESPN has to provide some content to the college football fans who need something to read during the offseason, but this is ridiculous.

Here's what's even more ridiculous: the picure and the caption. Voila:

William Shakespeare isn't the only one who can pen a midsummer night's dream.

*&^$ the heck? I wonder what the caption writers were thinking. How many levels of irony can you spot in that statement? I'm finding at least four....

It's time to close this critique. If you haven't fallen asleep while reading it, or if I've offended you with this commentary, just pretend it was all a dream... because Pat Forde certainly chose a weak and idle theme for this article.

What Was the POINT of All That?

Such were my sentiments after reading this shit. I'm at a loss for why HatGuy wrote it. Literally, I could sum it up by saying "Breaking News! Football season ended. Here are a list of sports-related things that are not football that are happening now or will happen soon." But that would be way too lenient of me.

The sun rose this morning — I checked — even in Boston. I suspect more people called in sick than usual on a Monday, but the subways and buses ran and the mail carriers were stayed from their appointed rounds by neither rain nor sleet nor heaviness of heart.

A paragraph of pure quasi-poetic nonsensitudes. Lets search really hard through this entire piece to find something that shows you're qualified for your job. And that usage of "stay" vaguely fits the twelfth definition, but about a billion other, less confusing words would have been better.

In New York, it’s a different story, but we’ll leave those happy folks to deal with the Day after Football in their own way. Somehow, we get the feeling they’ll find a way to muddle through.

People from New York are....happy about the Super Bowl. Press on, analyst!

For five weeks now, the NFL playoffs have carried us, giving us an island of excitement to look ahead to each week and crowning it all with the greatest Super Bowl we’ve ever seen. But now it’s Monday, and while the glow will linger for a while, the stage has been struck on our great mid-winter diversion. And outside our doors, February reigns.

Is this really so dramatic? Honestly, this is the kind of shit that would piss off even a high school English teacher.

Which leaves us with the question raised by Shakespeare in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream:” “How shall we beguile the lazy time if not with some delight?”

The answer shows that old Will was one of us: “There is a brief of how many sports are ripe; make a choice of which your highness will see first.”

What a totally appropriate thing to write in a sports column (this is about sports, right?). I'm getting the image of Celizic standing up in the crowd at like a baseball game or something and saying that out loud. Now I'm imagining the people who heard him say that beating the shit out of him. Ahhhhh. Soothing. All of the anger I felt after imagining Celizic get a paycheck just faded away......

It’s not so bleak as it seems. The end of one passion is followed by the commencement of another. Check the calendars, fans — especially those of you in Boston — it is Feb. 4. In 11 days, pitchers and catchers start reporting for duty.

Pitchers and catchers reporting is sort of like a harbinger of something exciting happening, rather than an exciting event in of itself. I use the word "harbinger", because it's one of those useless words you learn in a high school English class, much like the one that seems to have taken over Celizic's life. So I'm speaking his language. He knows what it means.

So start crossing off the days, and while you’re doing it, you might want to pay a bit more attention to the NBA, where the season has passed the midway point and is starting to get interesting. (This advice does not apply in New York. If you’re from there, don’t bother looking at the standings; it’s too depressing.)

Great advice. We're about to find out how much attention Mike Celizic has paid to the NBA in the past 6 months. Brace yourselves, because this is going to be pretty brutal. He literally looked at the NBA standings and said as much as he could just going off of that. Don't believe me? Read on.

Patriot fans get a break there, thanks to the Celtics, who are leading the world, and, after 44 games still haven’t gotten to 10 losses.

Standing-based fact #1.

OK, the football immortality thing didn’t work out, and that annoying old poop Mercury Morris is drinking champagne at your expense. The Celtics are back from their long sabbatical, and if you look out West, you can start dreaming about the next-best match-up to Yankees-Red Sox. And speaking of that, there’s always pitchers and catchers and another chance to pay back those arrogant fans in New York.

I'm going to assume the role of your current high school English teacher and make a few comments on this paragraph, Michael. Now, you'll just have to pretend that this is appearing in bright red ink.

OK, the football immortality thing didn’t work out, and that annoying old poop Mercury Morris is drinking champagne at your expense.

You transitioned into the subject of the NBA. Once there, you were able to list one fact before reverting back to the Super Bowl. This is just a "space filler" sentence. Also consider replacing "poop", with something that makes you sound a little less.....70 years old. Maybe....."fecal matter"? That annoying old fecal matter Mercury Morris? Eh, it's a little better.

The Celtics are back from their long sabbatical, and if you look out West, you can start dreaming about the next-best match-up to Yankees-Red Sox.

A bit of an awkward tradition, especially if you don't immediately clarify the Western matchup. You know, by specifying teams and such.

And speaking of that, there’s always pitchers and catchers and another chance to pay back those arrogant fans in New York.

This sentence totally doesn't fit. You already talked about pitchers and catchers two paragraphs ago. And you failed to talk about the Western matchup you alluded to in the prior sentence. Desert island

Grade: D-. I'm passing you only because I never want to see "A Midsummer Night's Dream" appear in a sports column again.

The Lakers — you remember the team so bad Kobe Bryant didn’t want to play for them anymore? — are right up there challenging for supremacy of the NBA’s power conference along with Phoenix, New Orleans (New Orleans? How’d that happen? I’ve really got to pay closer attention.)

I'll record this date. Monday, May 4, 2008. Mike Celizic finally admitted that he doesn't pay enough attention to the subjects he writes about. Also, I'd like to point out that this is all stuff that Celizic can find out by staring only at an NBA standings page.

Dallas, Utah, San Antonio, Golden State and Denver. There’s just five wins separating all of those teams, and if you don’t think that’s a horse race worth watching, you’re beyond salvation.

More things you found out just from looking at the standings. Why can't I be paid to do this? Also, I'm going to make a ridiculously bold prediction and say that you do not watch a single game played by Dallas, Utah, San Antonio, Golden State, or Denver for the next 3 months.

Can you imagine what it would be like if the Celtics and Lakers got together again in the Finals? Kobe and whoever those other four guys are against Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen? Could it get any better than that? How about with Phil Jackson on the Laker bench?

"Kobe and whoever those other four guys are." Wow. Whoever Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom are, they better get better soon if they want the Los Angeles Bryants to have a chance at taking down the Celtics. Andrew Bynum? More like....Andrew Get-A-Fucking-Name-Dude! Ha ha! I'm right there with you, HatGuy!

What's funny is that HatGuy isn't recognizing that the Lakers are a top team again BECAUSE the supporting cast for Kobe is good again.

And if that doesn’t float your boat, how about Daytona? NASCAR’s most glamorous event and the kick-off of the season is just two weeks away, just like pitchers and catchers. It’s the perfect road trip, if you’re looking to escape winter’s icy grip — do the 500, then head off to spring training camps for another week. Take your golf clubs.

You're obsessed with pitchers and catchers. It's not that exciting, really, and I'm a baseball fan to an unhealthily large extent. There aren't even games to watch. I'm not gonna bash NASCAR, because so many people in America like it, but NASCAR is 100% completely and totally useless and boring to follow and watch. It's also stupid.

I mean come on. There's no VORP!

(note: above may actually be pnoles's personal opinion in disguise and not actually fact.)

I’d go into one of my regular rhapsodies about the joys of the NHL here, but that sports’ fans know all about how Detroit is putting together a phenomenal season, so incredible that they’ve removed all the drama from the regular season. No matter who else does what, the Red Wings are going into the playoffs with the top seed.


More things you can see from the standings page.....

NCAA hoops is more interesting, anyway. We’re into the final month of the season, and Memphis is still undefeated. Teams don’t run off perfect seasons anymore, and my bet is Memphis won’t, either. But they’re worth watching — just in case.

Agreed, you should try it sometime. Name me one player on Memphis. Go ahead. Try.

And if I haven't beaten this to death yet, I could have written that paragraph just by looking at the national rankings and Memphis's record.

Besides, it’s time to start thinking about who’s going to make it to March Madness, the single best tournament in America sports. That is literally just around the corner.

The schedule giveth and the schedule taketh away. We lose the passion of the NFL playoffs, and we’re given a smorgasbord of things to look ahead to.

The NBA is always going on at this time. Pitchers and catchers always report soon after the Super Bowl. NCAA March Madness is always in....wait for it....MARCH! People who care about these things know all of these things already. I want to know, please, who the hell is your "target audience" in this article?

The schedule giveth and the schedule taketh away. We lose the passion of the NFL playoffs, and we’re given a smorgasbord of things to look ahead to.

More old-Englishy Shakespeary-talk. Stop writing. Just stop. I already gave you your D-minus, you can go now.

Spring training starts, the NBA is heating up, college hoops craziness is starting to warm up for its annual crescendo, those guys who do left turns at 200 m.p.h. are putting the pedal to the metal

You already said these obvious things. Repeating obvious things is not a good writing tactic.

and before you know it, the magnolias are blooming in Augusta and it’s time to see whether there’s going to be a shot at the Grand Slam for Tiger Woods. Elsewhere, others are already starting to think about Kentucky and mint juleps and a run for the roses.

Yeah, February can be the pits, especially in the post-Super Bowl depression. But it’s hardly dead. It’s when we look forward to new thrills, to March and crocuses and rebirth.

Does it get any more puffy and bullshit-y than "crocuses and rebirth"? I don't know, but I've got myself a fun new label.

Hey you forgot someth-

And pitchers and catchers.

There it is.

Bring it on.

Oh, it's already been burrr-oughten.