FMTMQR: Needed to write this to calm myself down after that World Series game

Been a few weeks. Anything change while I was gone? What? Gregg has decided to stop pretending he knows his elbow from his poophole when it comes to football, and simply write about how unrealistic science fiction movies are? Excellent, then my work here is do- Oh. Fuck, should have seen that one coming.

Re: the Dolphins/Broncos pillowfight

Yes, the zany final minutes of that contest were a lot of fun to watch. And the naysayers -- perhaps there is a National Association of Naysayers, with a motto such as, "Saying nay since 1908" --

*Crickets*

predicted Tebow couldn't win in the NFL. Now he has.

He actually did about ten months ago too, on Dec. 26 2010. But knowing stuff like that would take effort and research and distract from your incredible naysayers club joke. (Note: I am not standing up for Tebow by pointing this out. Just hating on Greggggggg.)

But Miami, and the officials, aided the comeback. After the first Miami touchdown, Dolphins coach-for-a-few-more-weeks Tony Sparano called timeout to prepare his hands team for an onside kick -- and Denver recovered the onside anyway.

I'll bet the guy who came up with it was undrafted out of Taintgrundle State A&M and has already been cut from four different practice squads.

With 25 seconds remaining in regulation, Tebow hit a well-executed throwback screen to tight end Daniel Fells for a touchdown. Zebras cooperated by failing to notice Denver linemen Chris Kuper and Orlando Franklin downfield before the pass.

Sometimes it's fun to keep it simple and just laugh at Gregg for being wrong about football basics. Linemen cannot cross the line of scrimmage until the ball does or a defender touches the ball on plays where the ball is being thrown downfield past the line of scrimmage. On forward passes that do not cross the line of scrimmage, this rule does not apply and linemen may release immediately. (Full blogging credibility disclosure, or something- I got this wrong the first time and edited it. LOOK AT MR. POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK OVER HERE!!!!!!111) That's exactly what happened here. But it's a whole lot easier to say things like that when you don't actually know the rules (despite writing a column that often focuses on them).

The fact that Tebow is religious had nothing to do with the outcome. God does not care who wins football games.

God singular, or Gods plural as in Football Gods? Because I'm pretty sure they saw Wisconsin beat South Dakota 59-10 a few weeks ago and said "Whoa, fuck that, we're going to let Michigan State beat them on a deflected Hail Mary. Running up the score is bullshit and we won't stand for it." Then again, Michigan State beat Florida Atlantic 44-0 earlier this year so... I dunno. Is there a chance that TMQ leans heavily on anecdotal bullshit to back up his preachy attitude?

Declining Football IQ: San Diego led Jersey/B 21-17 with 11 minutes remaining and had third-and-5 on the Jets' 25. The Jets came into the contest with the league's 28th ranked rush defense. So why not run?

Every play! Don't bother throwing on any given play, it's a waste of valuable running time.

Interception.

/sitcom crowd makes "disappointed" noise

Five snaps later, Philip Rivers threw another interception in a situation that might have called for a rush.

Great noncommital language there. Hey, I'm not saying they really really REALLY should have run... but maybe they should have. And the fact they didn't exposes what a diptard Norv Turner is. Wait, never mind, Norv Turner's career record exposes what a diptard Norv Turner is.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk: Green Bay leading 33-27 with 2:37 remaining, the Vikings punted -- and I scarcely need to tell you Minnesota never touched the ball again. So what if it was fourth-and-10? The Vikings were playing at home. They entered 1-5 on the season and 4-9 under Leslie Frazier. A successful conversion on fourth-and-10 could have led to an upset of the defending champion Packers and revived the team's season. A punt made a sluggish defeat likely.

They were on their own 36 and had all three timeouts. A failed 4th down, a few runs up the middle, and Green Bay launches a field goal that makes it a two score game. Sure, the Packers had scored 33 points so far, but had gained only 15 yards on their last three drives (including a pair of three and outs). Punting gave Minnesota the chance to get the ball back with better field position and a fresh set of downs. It's not that goshdarn hard to fucking understand.

Frazier knew that if he went for it on fourth down and failed, he would be blamed for the loss; if he ordered a mincing, fraidy-cat punt, the defense would be blamed for failing to get the ball back.

I don't think anyone blamed the defense's inability to stop the Packers before the clock ran out for the loss. Nor would they have blamed Frazier if a 4th and 10 attempt had failed, although they probably could have, because I'm willing to be the percentages favored punting there.

Blame-shifting is a huge factor in NFL coaching decisions.

Making stuff like this up and hoping no readers think about it long enough to realize that it's total malarkey is a huge factor in crafting TMQ every week.

Hell's Sports Bar: Hell's sports bar has 28 wide-screen plasma TVs, although certain blackout restrictions may apply.

One of his least obnoxious bits.

On Sunday, the televisions in Hell's sports bar showed nothing but Seattle at Cleveland, which ended 6-3. The highlight show endlessly replayed Seattle, trailing 3-0 at the end of the third quarter, kicking a field goal from the Cleveland 2-yard line, then never entering Browns territory again.

Followed by one of his most obnoxious recurring complaints.

Put it this way: Jacksonville held the visiting favorite to 7 points, 146 yards on offense and just 2.8 yards per play, yet had to hang on for dear life in the final two minutes. Average out the Saints' 55-point victory on Sunday night and the Jags' 5-point win on Monday night, and you'd have two normal games.

A pair of thirty point wins? If you put those two games together, you also have three offenses that played like shit and one that was awesome. Averaging those out equals two normal NFL games in 1923, not 2011.

Credit the win to Jack of the River going for broke rather than doing the "safe" thing. Jax leading 9-7 'ere the clock struck midnight -- with 1:48 remaining on the clock -- the Jags faced fourth-and-6 on the Baltimore 33. A field goal forces the Ravens to play for a touchdown; a missed field goal gives them possession on their 40, needing only a field goal to win; a punt probably rolls into the end zone for a touchback. Del Rio sent out the place-kicker, whose 51-yard kick was true: Forced to play for a desperation touchdown, Baltimore threw an interception. Often a field goal attempt is the safe course.

A mincing, fraidy-cat field goal!

In this case, it was bold.

Conveniently unmentioned is the fact that Josh Scobee had already nailed two 54 yard field goals that night, so sending him out for a 51 yarder didn't exactly take elephant balls. Also, I love how coaches that make cautious decisions do so to avoid the blame that might come from a bold decision that didn't work out (because coaches are so egotistical!), but coaches that make bold decisions that work out were CERTAINLY not doing so to soak up glory and be credited for the win (because coaches are not egotistical).

Readers including Nora Podolak of Bremerton, Wash., noted that the the Nissan Frontier commercial -- in which a pickup truck races onto an airfield and catches the front wheel of a landing jetliner-- has a tiny-type warning, "Fictionalization. Do not attempt." OK, I won't drive my pickup truck in front of a landing jetliner. But the disclaimer also means the properties of the Nissan Frontier are fictional.

The fake computer-generated aircraft, described by an announcer's voice as a passenger plane, resembles a Boeing 727, which is an obsolete aircraft no U.S. passenger airline has flown in more than a decade. Owing to quirks of this 1960s-era design, such as its flap settings, the Boeing 727 had a high landing speed of 150 to 180 miles per hour. So even if the pickup truck actually could support the nose wheel of a landing jetliner, and even if the truck somehow could drive to precisely the correct spot synchronized with the descending plane, the pickup would need to be moving at least 150 mph. Talk about fictionalization.

And all five of the people in America who didn't think that commercial was just a silly gimmick intended to advertise a truck have just seen the light. Thank you consumer watchdog Gregg.

Consolation for Miami, Indianapolis Seasons-Ticket Holders: Early in the season, TMQ noted this was a good year to be terrible, as two franchise-quality quarterbacks, Andrew Luck and Landry Jones, will be available in the draft.

Landry Jones will bust. Just sayin'. /ducks to avoid heavy objects thrown by mouth-breathing Sooner fans

There's a chance of three franchise quarterbacks, depending on what transpires with

Yeah, I know where you're going, Matt Barkley.

Russell Wilson.

BWAHAHAHAHAH. If Russell Wilson ever starts for a full season for a team that finishes with a winning record, post your address in the comments of this post and I will mail you a dollar. Wilson is a good but not great college QB who is listed at 5'11". There's a chance he's Drew Brees, but there's a much bigger chance he's a tiny guy who will never succeed at QB in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. If Wilson is a "franchise-quality QB," Jimmy Clausen was too.

The last time quarterbacks went 1, 2, 3 in the NFL draft was 1999. This is a really good year to be terrible.

Two of those quarterbacks were Tim Couch and Akili Smith, so yeah, it's probably about as bad a year to be terrible as any.

Adventures in Officiating: Scoring on a pick-six against Oakland, Brandon Flowers of Kansas City briefly put his foot on the ball and flexed his muscles. He was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for "using the football as a prop." Celebration penalties have become ridiculous. Taunting should be penalized, but what's wrong with celebrating?

Who wrote that, and how did neither Gregg nor his editors catch it before publication?

Hey, a New Joke: Olympic Baseball!

Check this out:


Doesn't it look like a pretty awesome futuristic place to watch a baseball game? The whole complex looks like a great place to go to watch a night game. I imagine walking up to the field, surrounded by citizens of many nations, excited to see Americans compete in what can only be described as a parody of real baseball.

The format is a first in international baseball competition and differs significantly from the currently used extra-inning model. The new rule calls for traditional baseball extra-inning rules to be used in the 10th frame, but all contests that are tied after 10 innings will compete under a new format. Beginning with the 11th inning and each inning needed thereafter, base runners will be placed on first and second base with no outs. All other rules of baseball will remain in effect.

I like how this little paragraph has the ending "All other rules of baseball will remain in effect" after proposing what seems, to me, to be an absolutely ludicrous rule change. Maybe the IBAF was considering giving batters five strikes? Maybe they considered reintroducing aluminum bats late in the game? Maybe they considered going back to 1863 and not allowing the pitcher to take a step during his delivery, thereby forcing him to keep both feet on the ground while pitching?

"The upcoming Beijing Olympic competition may be our last unless we are successful in adding the sport back to the Olympic program for the 2016 Games," said IBAF President Dr. Harvey W. Schiller.

Fine by me, unless we make it a Winter Olympic sport so the best players on the planet can actually play in it without wrecking every fourth MLB season. The problem with Olympics is that, for most sports, the Olympics is the paramount display of skill and no athlete would miss the event for the world. For Olympic baseball, no American cares enough to leave his MLB team for a few weeks.

"We must demonstrate to the International Olympic Committee not only does our game belong alongside the other great sports of the world, but our sport is manageable from a television and operational standpoint."

Our sport is manageable from a television and operational standpoint. Amazingly, thousands of MLB games every year are operated and televised. If real baseball players [apologies, Mr. "President"] were playing in this game, then it would be no problem. Theoretically, basketball could go on into the middle of the night, but since real players play that sport, nobody feels the need to lower the rim after one overtime to make scoring easier.

Dr. Schiller continued, saying the change is both a positive and necessary step for the sport of baseball. "One of the unique aspects of our game is that it has no time limit.

Yay! Though, I know it's surprising, lots of other team sports don't have time limits. In fact, theoretically, even a tennis match could go on indefinitely! I think, in order to make the last Wimbledon more manageable from a television and operational standpoint, Federer and Nadal should've ended it by playing a game of beer pong at the net. Oh wait! That could go on forever too! Crap!

The only solution?

Extra-inning contests can bring about the most exciting results for players and fans,

Now yer talkin'!

but such circumstances also make it difficult in the context of the Olympic program.

Only because nobody cares about baseball.

Delays cause scheduling and logistical nightmares. Planned security, transportation, drug testing, broadcasts, and entertainment are just a few of the activities that may be seriously affected," Dr. Schiller continued.

Drug testing is affected by extra inning games? Entertainment is provided by the extra-inning games, Dr. Schiller! Why are you selling out the sport you claim to love in order to provide a bastardized version?

I sure would be pissed if my team lost because the rules demanded that each manager would have to :

select two consecutive batters from anywhere {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} in their respective lineup to start the 11th on first and second base. The next batter in the lineup would then be the batter that starts the inning at the plate.

{exclamation points mine}

Oh shit! It's like video games, except that even in video games you have to continue the lineup in order! I can only imagine what would've taken place if this rule would've been in place during the 2002 World Series and a game would've gone to extra innings:

Angels Bullpen: Sweet, we got through ten innings of baseball and we're tied! Boy, we really have a shot at beating these Giants, seeing as they really only have one hitter in their nine-man lineup!
Angels_Batters: Yeah, don't worry, we'll scratch a run off Robb Nen or something and win this here game!
Umpire: And now we move to the 11th inning. Mr. Baker, please place your runners on base.
Dusty_Baker: Even I can't screw this one up! Rich, get out on second, Jeff get out on first.
Barry_Bonds: lol, I rule.
Olympic_Fans: This is the stupidest rule change ever.

FireJay's Relationship With Jeff Pearlman Becomes Increasingly Complex With Every Post

Honestly, the guy is really cool. He let me interview him. His Barry Bonds book is fantastic. He seems friendly, approachable, down to Earth, and generally the antithesis of the sports journalism world's multitude of Jay Mariottis. So why must he always be so wrong about everything? Unfortunately, yet again, he leaves me with no choice.

Example #1, from his blog.

There’s been mounting buzz of late that somebody—Boston? the White Sox? Tampa Bay—should bite the bullet and sign Barry Bonds to a free agent deal.

I hate Barry Bonds. A lot. I hate him more than I hate white people. (Just kidding! I am white. And not a self-loathing white person, either. I just wanted to make a racist remark, because those usually generate controversy, and subsequently, blog traffic.) And yet, I have to agree that those teams would almost certainly benefit from signing him.

The arguments are myriad: He can still slug. Incredible on-base percentage. An instant threat in the midst of a lineup. Etc.

All valid.

My take: No friggin’ way.

I mean, that's fine. You could make a case as to why a Bonds signing would be a bad idea. It would probably be pretty weak, and based on nothing more than his personality issues, and maybe the tenuous idea that he's no longer on steroids, but it would still be a case.

Signing Barry Bonds would be a complete and total disaster, for about 8,302 reasons

Reason No. 1: He’s a has-been.

Well, technically, yes. He's not nearly as good as he was 15, ten, five, or even three years ago. But please elaborate.

Everyone talks about Bonds’ phenomenal on-base percentage, but consider how he reached it.

I am under the impression that he reached it by not making an out somewhere between 40% and 60% of the time he came to the plate.

In San Francisco, Bonds was surrounded in the lineup by liquid crud. Who wouldn’t pitch around Bonds (or, for that matter, me) if you’re “protected” by Ray Durham and Benji Molina. Of course he had a high on-base percentage.

In how many ways can we identify this as WRONG?

1) We could anecdotally point out that while in SF, Bonds played with Matt Williams in his late prime, Jeff Kent in his late prime, Ellis Burks in his late prime, and a cast of many other excellent hitters. The punchless Giants Pearlman refers to didn't really exist until about 2004.

2) We could take this route: note that if you're accusing a player of having an inflated OBP, then it would seem to follow that you're accusing them of not being as good a hitter as most people think. (Assuming we generally equate a high OBP with hitting ability, which seems more than fair.) Then we could ask Jeff: do you really want to say that the all time home run champion... is overrated? There's a couple logical leaps in there, but none of them are 1/10th as outrageous as what Jeff is trying to say.

3) We could note that while OBP can be artificially inflated by intentional or semi-intentional walks, there is no corresponding way to "inflate" slugging percentage. Either you get a lot of extra base hits, or you don't. We could then note that Bonds has the 6th highest SLG in baseball history, and that his SLG as a Giant is much higher than his SLG as a Pirate. By putting these two pieces together, we could conclude that no matter how many times he was pitched around while playing for SF, the numbers show that he was still an unbelievably dangerous hitter if and when pitchers dared to challenge him.

4) We could laugh, and just shout "WRONG!" Everyone needs a little more laughter in their lives anyways.

Reason No. 2: He’s the worst clubhouse cancer in the modern history of sports.

Probably true, and a fair reason to hesitate, but not enough to conclusively say that picking him up would be a bad idea.

Worse than T.O. or Randy Moss; worse than John Rocker or J.R. Rider. The worst. He wants special perks, and special perks don’t fly during a pennant race.

Special perks must have been cleared for takeoff by the FAA during the 2002 season, when the Giants won the pennant.

Any team he joins will be an awfully good one. In Boston, would guys like Josh Beckett and David Ortiz really want to put up with his bullshit? After all they’ve accomplished? No way.

This is not a "0 or 1" binary problem. It's not like there's putting up with bullshit, and not putting up with bullshit, and nothing in between. Say the Red Sox were five games behind the Rays and only a game up on the Yankees on August 15th, Ortiz was still out of the lineup, and then they signed Bonds. Would everyone embrace him with open arms and tell the media that he was the coolest cat they'd ever met? Probably not. Would they bite their collective tongue, and allow Bonds to set up his recliner, TV, fridge, microwave, massage chair, air purifier, Deep Rock water tank, entertainment center, hot tub, BBQ grill, NBA Jam arcade machine, skeeball machine, hyperbaric chamber, gazebo, and Nerf mini-hoop wherever he wanted? Probably.

Reason No. 3: He’s 44.

Last year, at age 43, he was arguably one of the 20 best hitters in baseball when in the lineup. Of course, a player's ability drops off extremely quickly after 36 or so. But Bonds would have to drop a looooooong way to be not worth a pro-rated deal somewhere in the low millions.

I’m 36, and I can no longer catch up with the inside heat

Jeff, please. You're a blogger now. It's unlikely you've ever even seen a real-life baseball game, let alone tried to play in one.

(Actually, I could never catch up with the inside heat. But now I have trouble tying my shoes without farting)

I'll give him points here for a poop/fart/butt joke.

Reason No. 4: My dog Norma just ate a leaf. I blame this on Bonds.

Tongue-in-cheek alert, everyone! Tongue-in-cheek alert! Sorry, Jeff. Based on most of the other garbage you've written that has been picked apart by us, I'm simply not going to be able to accept this as a copout. I'm 100% certain that you legitimately think Bonds isn't going to help any team that happens to sign him. And for that opinion, sir, you are a clod.

Example #2, from his ESPN.com sob story about journeyman infielder Mike Lamb:

What Lamb didn't say, at least not bluntly, is that -- despite what fans might think -- there is no such thing as a "dream job"; that every schlub who believes in the right to mercilessly heckle a ballplayer because he's "living the life" needs a few lessons at decency school.

First of all, I'm pretty sure heckling players falls under the same category as sacrifice bunts, stolen bases, running over the catcher, pitchers "finishing what they started, dadgumit," and umpires using those giant arm-worn shields as chest protectors. That is to say: heckling is part of playing/participating in the game the way it was meant to be played/participated in. It's old school. It's part of baseball lore. It's what little kids used to do with their spare time when they weren't working in factories or playing kick the can. Computers can't quantify its effect; therefore, it's "good for ball."

Second of all, if millions and millions of people around the world spend good parts of their free time doing what you do for a living (or a variation thereof), and usually paying some kind of league a good bit of money for that privilege, guess what? You have what is legitimately referred to as a "dream job." I don't hear about too many people rushing home from their regular job so they can go take customer service calls or sell vacuums on out in a field somewhere.

I'm (probably, pending the whole law school thing) going to be a lawyer one day. Although it carries a number of negative connotations (LAWYER JOKES GO HERE!), I think it's fair to say that that's regarded by most people as a "good" job. Many would say a "desirable" job, even. Certainly in the top, say, 15% of common jobs, right? You might personally think it sounds awful, but I believe the general consensus in a large-scale poll would be that most people wouldn't mind switching their current job for one as a lawyer. And yet, do you know how many people out of a hundred would pick being a lawyer over being a MLB player if given the hypothetical choice of either career path? Negative 1,000 billion, that's how many. Baseball... not a dream job... what are you, fucking nuts?

So baseball players have to spend a lot of time away from their families? Tough shit! That happens in a lot of lines of work, and most of them don't have a median yearly salary in the low seven figures. Mike Lamb, miserable and sympathetic as Pearlman makes him sound, has, at the frail old age of 32, made $6.5 million so far. Ninety-nine percent of Americans can't even comprehend that kind of money. So yes, I will heckle you, MLB ballplayers. Deal with it. Fuck Jeff Pearlman's opinion about the matter.

Minor league players? Now that job is a little bit tougher, what with all the bus travel and shitty accommodations. But most of those guys don't have kids. And given the chance (haven't been to a minor league game in years), hell, I'd probably heckle them too. What are they gonna do about it? "Accidentally" throw a ball into the stands and try to make me hilariously spill my beer and popcorn while avoiding it? That's a risk I'm willing to take.

This Guy Named Erik Used to Write For FireJay

But he got sick of doing so after like two posts. I can't really blame him; he has a sweet job in the sports entertainment industry which requires a lot of writing so this probably just felt like more work to him. (I won't disclose who his employer is because he probably wouldn't want to risk being made fun of or fired from that job if his name were tied to this shitty blog. But let's just say it's with a branch of either the NBA, MLB, or NFL, and if you watch a lot of sports, there's a decent chance you've seen something on TV that he helped produce. ) Anyways, he sometimes sends me tips for stuff to put on the site, which is a nice way for him to contribute without the pressure of actually being listed as a contributor. Below is one such tip. All commentary from this point on is his.

So I find a link on SI.com for the top five NBA draft busts of all time. Like any straight, red-blooded, American male, I love busts. I scan to see where Sam Bowie is on the list. He isn't. But who is?

3. Kedrick Brown: The Celts selected this JuCo star 11th in the 2001 Draft, much higher than most experts had him projected (at least, those who had heard of him). He most recently played in the NBA's D-League.

Who else might the Celtics have reasonably drafted in that slot? Maybe Richard Jefferson (13) or Zach Randolph (19) [Tony Parker (28) never could have realistically been on anyone radar at that stage of the draft]. So Kedrick Brown is one of the biggest busts in draft history because he
didn't match the ceilings of a poor man's Scottie Pippen and an obese man's Otis Thorpe? Or the "floors" of Vlad Radmonovic, Troy Murphy, Steven Hunter, and Kirk Haston? Based on the outcome of the careers of players taken after him, Brown should've been anywhere from a fringe rotation player to a third banana. So, yes, by tumbling to the D-league, he must be the third biggest bust of all time.

Lang Whitaker is the executive editor of SLAM magazine and writes daily at SLAMonline.com

Lang Whitaker is the executive editor of SLAM magazine, which comes with a free headband if you sign up for a one-year subscription. He probably knows more than me.

Good Thing Bill Self Didn't Leave Kansas

Gene Wojceichowski spells out all the reasons why this would have been a disastrous decision in an article from early last week. And if you're familiar with Gene, you should realize that when I say "spells out all the reasons," I mean "meanders through a poorly organized junkyard of thoughts and sentences."

Don't do it, Bill Self.

Don't take billionaire T. Boone Pickens' money, even if it means you could walk from Lawrence, Kan., to Stillwater, Okla., on a road paved with his cash.

Call me nuts, I really don't see the point of signing a contract just so you can make a road to your new place of employment out of money. Sure, you get there in style, but what happens next? I'll bet you wish you hadn't just wasted all your money on a bullshit construction project, that's what.

Don't become Dollar Bill,

I get it. Double meaning.

the guy who gets money whipped into leaving hoops heaven for what has become a hoops graveyard.

Yeah, I'll buy the "hoops heaven" part of that. But Okie State? As a graveyard? They were in the bottom half of the Big 12 last season, sure, but they made the dance every year from 1998 to 2005 and were in the stinking Final Four in 2004. They'd be a small fixer-upper, definitely doable for someone like self. You want a major conference "hoops graveyard?" Try Colorado, Northwestern, or Oregon State.

Don't leave Kansas for Oklahoma State. Not now. Not ever. And especially not after you just won one of the greatest Final Four championship games of all time.

How dare you show interest in your alma mater when Gene is still busy having the warm fuzzies? This is like getting mad at a Hollywood couple for breaking up because you really liked it when they played a couple in a movie.

But no matter how much OSU sugar daddy Pickens pulls from his money clip, Self should stay put. The cash might be greener in Stillwater, but the basketball will never be as sweet. How could it?

Well, OSU could win a national championship. Like I already said, they were two games away just four years ago. They're not some podunk D-II school. They don't have the long-term tradition of Kansas, obviously, but they could definitely be taken to similar short-term heights by a guy as talented as Self.

Pickens' money might be able to buy Self, but it can't buy what Self has at Kansas. And it will never buy what Self experienced in San Antonio Monday evening.

What? Money couldn't buy them an exciting national title game? I don't get it. Why is that fact a strike against OSU? Self's new contract at KU can't buy what he experienced in San Antonio last Monday either. That just has to.... happen. No one, not even Michael Jackson, can buy it. Unless "it" refers to a helicopter full of little boys.

List the the best Final Four national title games ever played, and Kansas' 75-68 overtime victory against Memphis will have to be on it. If it isn't, then you need a remedial course in how to be a hoops fan.

FACE on you, casual hoops fan who is considering arguing this point without even realizing it. And the question remains- what does this have to do with Oklahoma State? Are you saying the game wouldn't have been as exciting if Kansas weren't involved? BOOOOOOOOOO.

The Jayhawks were down by nine with 2:12 left in regulation. They were down by five with 83 seconds remaining. They were down by three when Mario Chalmers' 3-point attempt left his hands with a scant 3.4 seconds showing on the clock.

No way a bunch of guys in orange and black jerseys make the comeback. Not a chance. Only a program with the pedigree of Kansas could have pulled that off.

And he made it!

Oh yeah? Did he? I've forgotten- is this an article published on a major sports media outlet's website, or an excited voicemail left shortly after the game ended for a friend who doesn't have a TV?

With Memphis freshman Derrick Rose in his face, and another Memphis player flying toward him, hand outstretched for the block.

Feel free to watch the highlight more than twice so you can figure out who that mystery guy is, Gene. At the same time, am I going to go over to Youtube to figure that out? Hell no. That's why this blog is ironic. Just saying, that's lazy journalism.

Overtime couldn't match those last few minutes of regulation. Memphis was oven baked by then. The Tigers had missed what would have been game-clinching free throws in those final minutes before OT, and then missed fouling KU guard Sherron Collins before he handed it to Chalmers for The Shot.

"All I want to say is I thought we were the national champions," said Memphis coach John Calipari, who was in full zombie mode after the stunning loss. "And that's the great thing about college basketball and sports. Within 30 seconds they make a play and it's OT, and it's on again."

Self now sits happily atop the college basketball world. He's there because of Memphis' mind-boggling collapse, and because KU's players took full advantage of every one of the Tigers' mistakes.

"Maybe just got a little luckier today," said Self.

Article... slowly wandering off topic... pretty much just summarizing shit everyone already knew....

And, we're back!

But now it gets complicated. Oklahoma State is going to make a run at Self. A Tulsa World columnist was throwing around rumored numbers of a $6 million signing bonus and $3.5 million per year.

Could be true. Could be fantasy. But before you dismiss those sort of figures, remember that Pickens donated $165 million to the school to build a football stadium. The guy is a multibillionaire. Think Oprah's Big Give, but with a twang.

Now that's a topical reference. Who's your audience? Males aged 18-35. Who's a good cross-cultural reference for them? Oprah. That's why Gene makes the big bucks, folks.

Self said late Monday night that if Oklahoma State called, he'd listen.

"That's my alma mater," he said.

Alma maters are overrated. So is money.

So is the idea that just because an incredible game happened when a talented coach was in charge of team A, that there's no way said coach could guide team B to the same situation. Actually, it's not overrated, it's just dumb.

"I've said this last week: I would recommend [OSU] go in a different direction," said Self.

He would recommend it, but he isn't married to it.

"I want to visit with my athletic director," he said. "To be real honest with you, I love Kansas. I love my job here and hopefully it will be a situation where I can spend a long time here. I'm certainly not looking to leave, but [KU athletic director] Lew [Perkins] and I got to visit. I'm sure that'll happen in the next couple of days."

Hmmmm... wow, it's clear when you look back on the situation with full knowledge of what happened next, but I have to say that at the time there's no way you could predict that Self was just trying to get more money out of KU. His choice of language is so subtle. You can't really fault Gene for missing the clues here.

First of all, I always get nervous when someone prefaces their remarks with, "To be real honest with you," or, "To be real candid with you." Self does that a lot.

Oh Gene. You're so down to Earth and naive. You wouldn't make it five minutes in the big city, what with all your homely simpleton values. I bet you love it when a guy has a firm handshake and looks you in the eye when he talks to you.

Second, I thought Perkins was going to have a small seizure when I asked him about Self and the OSU dilemma.

"Please don't take away a great night," said Perkins, who added that he'd be willing to discuss the situation on Wednesday.

Yeah, sounds like a small seizure to me. What the fuck are you talking about?

But the question becomes: Is OSU's money worth trading mailing from Lawrence to Stillwater?

Job opening for text editor at ESPN.com.

The answer, of course, is no.

Perkins is one of the reasons the answer should be no. With Perkins you get an AD who has your back during good times and those times when Kansas' fickle, demanding fans have future memory lapses about what happened here Monday night.

Oklahoma State's AD, on the other hand, is Gary Buhse. If fans start complaining about a coach, he tracks the coach down, beats him up, and poops on him.

Kansas is going to offer Self a raise. That's a given. So it's not like Self is going to have to sell Amway products on the side to make ends meet. He can make millions at KU, or more millions at Oklahoma State. So it becomes a matter of how many yachts do you need to ski behind?

Skiing behind yachts... what? Is he talking about water skiing? You can't really do that, unless you have a badass James Bond super turbo yacht. Or is he talking about yachting and skiing, two activities usually associated with rich people? Your guess, as always, is as good as mine.

The chances of winning a national championship at Oklahoma State compared to winning one at KU are, oh, about the equivalent of a No. 12 seed beating a No. 1.

And, sorry, but if a recruit has to choose between Kansas and OSU, where do you think they'll go? Nine times out of 10, KU. Maybe 9.9 times.

"If you can get them on campus, if you can get them on campus when the [Allen] Fieldhouse is full, it's a hard place to say no to," said a coach who knows.

The coach? Bill Self.

Didn't see that one coming, did you. What a setup. Do they give Pulitzers for nonsensical online sports journalism?

Self was the last one up the ladder Monday night. He held a pair of scissors with his right hand and a few moments later, held the freshly snipped net with his left hand.

What poetry. Bill Plaschke would be jealous. The first time I read this article, I held a computer mouse with my right hand and my testicles with my left.

"I thought this would be great," he said. "It's a lot better than I thought it would be."

And it doesn't have to end. Unless he listens to his wallet and not his heart.

Gene Wojceichowski: aware of what is going on in the hearts and minds of everyone. Had Self chosen to leave KU for OSU, it wouldn't have been because his heart told him that building a champion at his alma mater is something even more enticingt to him than helping a perennial winner stay on top. It would be because he wants to get a bunch of money, make a road out of it through one of the shittiest parts of the entire country, and then walk along that road with hands in his pockets and a stupid grin on his face.

Quiet Out There Tonight

I wanted to put up a Dr. Z piece, but it was too funny to finish. If that makes any sense. I mean, it was unintentionally funny, and as a result I got too exasperated to finish it. That should clear things up.

So instead, because I like to put something up every day, let me encourage you to enjoy this extremely well written piece about "American Gladiators" by ESPN.com's Sam Alipour. Even if you're not excited about the show's return to TV, it's still a good read. And if you're like me, so excited about the show that you recently asked your mom to sew you a stars-and-stripes themed unitard you can wear while watching it, it's a great read.

Also, I know nobody takes him seriously anyways, but just a second ago on Best Damn Sports Show Period John Salley inexplicably claimed that "The Patriots don't get any respect because they play in a small market." I'm not sure which part of that is more offensive- the part about the Patriots apparently not getting respect, or the part about the 7th largest TV market in the country (according to Neilsen) being small. Yeah, I mean, totally. This is why everyone is always all over Peyton Manning's nuts- he has the advantage of playing in the nation's 26th largest market! Brett Favre only gets brought up because Green Bay comes in at number 70 on that list, just behind the Wichita/Hutchinson, KS area who came in at number 69. (Haha! Sixty-nine!) Imagine putting Tom Brady in front of those kinds of audiences. With all that exposure I bet he'd even make Sportscenter every couple of weeks or so. Did you hear he just finished up a really good season?