Let's check in on this blog's namesake

----Update, written five minutes after I published this- I'm not 100% sure the Mariotti Facebook account is real. There isn't another one out there that suggests otherwise... but some of the stuff on this one is almost too good to be true. Hmmmmmm. Meh, fuck it, does it really matter either way?----

----Double update: dammit, Deadspin is saying it's fake. Well there goes that. I knew it was too good to be true. Even Mariotti isn't stupid enough to suggest that the MLB ASG be played after the whole season is over. Still, I'm shocked that he doesn't appear to have a (public) Facebook profile of his own. Come on Jay, what are you waiting for! You can be a celebrity in your own little world! It's everything you've always wanted!----

When we last left multiple Pulitzer Prize winner Jay Mariotti, he was being fired from everywhere and allegedly hitting his girlfriend in public (and pleading no contest to reduced charges... you know how it goes). On more than one occasion. Fortunately, thanks to Facebook he still has an outlet for the well-crafted pieces of brain poop that occasionally spill out of his head. (Full disclosure, I saw this on Deadspin. But rest assured that I'll be checking his news feed without being tipped off by anyone from now on.)

He always did have a way with clever nicknames. But he dropped the ball a bit here- that's the Blizzard of Stink Face to you, Jay.

Only Jay could be so intentionally contrarian and desperate for attention that he would take a shot at the USWNT when they're at their absolute apex of popularity. Big ups to Russell Paperz for burning Mariotti with the burniest of burnsauce.

Let's do one more. Why not.

1. No.

2. Hey, everyone loves the Pro Bowl, amirite?????!!?!?!?!

The End of an Era

Well folks, it seems I was the last person in the world to hear this morning that Jay Mariotti quit the Sun-Times. That's what you call irony, eh? Jay, you were a sort of worthy opponent, but FireJay's Jay-bashing finally halted your written word. Sure, you can keep your comfy TV job. But I'm warning you. As soon as I become able to rewind TV, you'll be accountable for every dumbass thing you say on "Around the Horn" as well. So watch yourself.

Anyway, to celebrate 1.25 or so years of hatin' on him, we're going to count down the Top Ten Ridiculous/Stupid Jay Moments in FireJay history. It was a fun list to make indeed. I'm going to try to provide as much context as I can for each.

Here we go!

10) “Lou Piniella Gone By Labor Day”

That's what the man said, despite having watched the Cubs play a brand of ball best characterized as dumb and erratic even by their rock-headed standards. He is asking for your patience, oh great sufferers and masochists, and upon hearing his plea before a 9-4 loss to the Florida Marlins, I promptly adjusted the over-under date on my Lou Flees Wrigleyville Meter.

The new wager: He doesn't last past Labor Day.

Isn't hindsight fun? Jay said this in the first half of the 2007 baseball season. With his team not in any peril and bound to improve, Piniella's was among the safest jobs in the world. In the post regarding this one, I made Jay a bet. If Jay lost, he had to say one nice thing about Ozzie Guillen. Hasn't happened yet. Lesson: Don't make bets with a dishonest blowhard.

9) “Failure to grasp the term “underdog”.

Larry handled this one, and here's his quoted post.

"If you were evaluating two teams about to match up against each other in the playoffs, and you could only use one of the following pieces of data to decide which was more likely to win, which would you choose?

(a) The teams' records this season
(b) The teams' records last season

Only one of these answers is right. And it's not the one Jay Mariotti picked earlier today on "Around the Horn." Never one to let a perfectly good point slip past him without coming up with some outrageous way to try and disagree with it, when a fellow panelist who was talking about the College World Series said he was rooting for Fresno State because they're a good underdog story, Jay countered with:

But Georgia had a losing record in 2007, so they're even more of an underdog!"

I hope Tony Reali dropped you like 7 points for this one. However, apparently Tim Cowlishaw's "cleanup on aisle Woody" joke from yesterday was worth +10. So maybe losing RealiPoints isn't that big a deal. I'll rephrase: I hope someone breaks your legs.

8) “Trade Jason Marquis”

Among them is a starter, Jason Marquis, who somehow won a rotation job after telling management that he, the great Jason Marquis -- who was left off postseason rosters the last two years -- would request a trade if he was moved to the bullpen. I say trade Marquis to Boston for Coco Crisp, center-field insurance for Felix Pie, while his ERA is still under 5.00.

A classic expert from Jay's short handbook, "GM-ing for dummies." In Jay's world, every trade is possible, especially throwing a worthless-ish pitcher to a team with a truckload of pitching depth for one of the three most useful 4th outfielders in the game.

7) “Shot at Harrelson”

Harrelson doesn't bring in audiences as much as he scares them away or makes them cringe, whether it's throwing one of his dead-air fits, blaming every loss on the umps or lowering himself to pick fights with media members far more professional and accomplished than him.

Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come.

How right you are. When you have a personal feud with someone, you are allowed to blame them for everything that goes wrong with anything. Ken Harrelson is, and probably always has been the main reason that there's more Cubs fans that White Sox fans.

6) “Torii Hunter > Nick Swisher”

Hate to be cynical about Ken Williams' belated offseason attempt to redeem himself, but acquiring Nick Swisher only assures the Sox of one thing: They're a little better than the Kansas City Royals.

As an auxiliary addition, the shaggy-haired outfielder might be a clever idea. But as a centerpiece of a disappointing winter, he's the booby prize after Williams lost big targets Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera to real American League contenders in Anaheim and Detroit.

Okay, so 80% of a sub-par season from Nick Swisher later, this doesn't seem that bad, even though Hunter and Swisher have been roughly equivalent offensively this year by EqA. But when it was written, Swisher was coming off two straight .300+ EqA seasons, while Hunter was still struggling to cross that oh-so-elusive .340 OBP barrier in a season (comically, his OBP this season so far is .339). Later, he wrote that Nick Swisher was a "complimentary cog" while implying "Torii Hunter" was a difference maker. Poppycock. Pure balderdash.

5) “Chicago Tourism”

To show off Chicago, you reject the Kennedy Expy. for Peterson Avenue and take Lake Shore Drive toward the skyline. You visit the museums and stores, do a comedy club, hang out in Bucktown, avoid Trump Tower, ride an elevator to the top of the Hancock, then pick any one of 100 good places for dinner. You hail a cab to a jukebox bar and drink longnecks in the light of the beer signs.

And you go nowhere near U.S. Cellular Field.

Not because you hate the White Sox, but because Ozzie Guillen works there.

If I need to explain to anyone why this deserves a spot on the list, you probably shouldn't read this blog anymore.

4) “Seamless Transition”

GREEN BAY, Wis. -- What a dope, that Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he have better things to do with his life? A lifelong Bears fan from Iowa, he and wife Demi Moore ventured from Hollywood to Cheesewood to see his team play the Packers. They even brought their friends, lovebirds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake -- the same Timberlake who participated in an infamous wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl.

I would have predicted a franchise malfunction Sunday night.

Hey, we needed to make an "ashton kutcher-related bullshit" label somehow, right? This was probably the worst introduction to a Jay column that I've ever read. How do you go from Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore, to Jessica Biel, to Justin Timberlake, to Janet Jackson, to the phrase "wardrobe malfunction" to "franchise malfunction" (referring to the Bears) in literally 3 sentences? Here's a thought, Jay. If it doesn't fit in the article, maybe we shouldn't print it, hmmm?

3) “Screw 2008, It’s 2001 That Matters”

But if the good people are true baseball loyalists, they won't focus on 2008 at the session as much as 2001. That was when Williams, in a signing that reeked even before we completely grasped the monumental impact of steroids, purchased Jose Canseco from the Newark Bears of an independent league.

Ahhhh SoxFest. The annual tradition where White Sox fans ask players, coaches, and Kenny Williams about the upcoming season. And after a season leaving many pressing questions, and a half-offseason with a few interesting moves, White Sox fans are supposed to ask questions about why Kenny Williams picked up Jose Canseco for like 8 weeks in 2001. Isn't logic great?

2) “Baseball = Black Magic, Ya Know, Because They Both Start With ‘b’”

The seventh inning Wednesday night brought one such agonizing moment. Not to tap into the dark past, the black cat and the billy goat and the Bartman, but would someone explain why a baseball -- which also starts with a 'b,' as in black magic -- suddenly rolled in from the bullpen to the third-base area just as Milwaukee's Ryan Braun was lining a shot down the line past a diving Aramis Ramirez? I'm not saying this at all affected Ramirez's concentration, because Brooks Robinson wouldn't have caught Braun's laser that went for a break-open two-run double. But to witness two baseballs passing in the night, on the same damning play, is just too creepy.

To which I say, the fact that you even thought of this whole thing is just too creepy. Is Jay aware that "baseball" with a "b" is the name of the sport as well?

And finally.....

1) “Jay Doesn’t Know What ‘facetious’ Means”

I keep thinking back to Wednesday, to a post-practice scene involving Skiles. His forehead tightened like a rack of washboard abs. His frown challenged the cojones and competitive integrity of his players. His facetious tone could have cut through Steve Dahl, Dan McNeil, Mayor Daley or any of the town's smart-alecky blowhards. He was in vintage attack mode, firing a survivalist rally cry to his desperate team.

In many ways, it was the complete and total misuse of this word that started this blog. Just look at that word. Sitting there in the middle of the paragraph. Being used for the exact opposite purpose for which it was created. That bit of careless stupidity motivated me to do a write-up of that article. Larry saw it, and in an uncharacteristic bout of anti-laziness, Fire Jay Mariotti was established less than 3 days later.

Despite all of the success FireJay is feeling upon Jay quitting the Sun-Times, I think we're actually all a little disappointed too, because we won't have his awful articles 6 days a week to laugh at. We'll put it this way. If he gets hired to write for some internet site, it'll be a disaster for the reading community. But at least there'll be an upside. He's going to say something stupid. And when he does, Fire Jay Mariotti will be there, ready and waiting to jump all over it. Be afraid, Jay, be very afraid.

I'm Just Now Starting To Understand the Depth of Jay Mariotti's Ability to "Windsock"

By windsocking, I mean the phenomenon Chris W described in the comments section of the last Mariotti post I did. When popular opinion seems to be going one way, Jay must take the opposite stance. Bears fans think their team has a shot this year? Fuck you, Bears fans. The Bears will be lucky to win five games. Cubs fans feeling down in the dumps about a losing streak? Fuck you, Cubs fans. The Cubs are the greatest and classiest organization in baseball. White Sox fans think Ozzie Guillen is for the most part taking their team in the right direction? Fuck you, White Sox fans. Your team hasn't even won a game since July 2, 2006. And so on and so on.

But here's the caveat- with the exception of the Ozzie thing, on which is mind is pretty much made up, all of these stances are 100% susceptible to being reversed in the event that popular opinion begins to reflect what Jay has been thinking. The example from that post was their acquisition of Rich Harden. As Chris said- basically, before the Cubs got Harden, that was what they needed to do in order to make a run and you were a crazy person if you thought they had a shot in the postseason without him. Once the Cubs went out and got Harden, however, Jay was the first to point out that he had some possible lingering injury problems and there was no point in counting on him to contribute in October. And so on and so forth.

So why did I write this lengthy introduction? Because I'm an egotistical blowhard, for one thing. But I'm also getting to the point of this post. If you click the "Jay Mariotti" on our sidebar, here are some of the things you'll find on the first page that Jay has said about the White Sox. (And this is just in the last six months or so.)

-...the Sox, firmly the distant No. 2 baseball team again in the nation's third-largest market...
-Hate to be cynical about Ken Williams' belated offseason attempt to redeem himself, but acquiring Nick Swisher only assures the Sox of one thing: They're a little better than the Kansas City Royals.
-Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come. ("It" being the fact that they gave a new contract to broadcaster Hawk Harrelson. Apparently, to Jay, nothing screams "organizational measuring stick" like the guy behind the TV microphone. That explains why the Yankees have been so good for so long.)
-The Sox are easy to loathe.
-The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution...
-The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. (Gavin Floyd, back in early May)
-This weekend at the Palmer House Hilton, snarling fans will continue a Soxfest tradition. They'll demand straight answers from general manager Ken Williams, who would have more fun sleeping naked at Wrigley Field in a snowstorm. They will ask why he left the rotation filled with craters, why he whiffed badly on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera and why he keeps talking about a championship when finishing .500 seems like a -- cue the silly Hawkeroo -- ``stretch, stretch, stretch.''

This sample represents less than 1% of all the bad things Jay has ever said about the White Sox. So then, knowing how he loves this "windsocking" thing, I guess his article from Friday's Sun-Times (as a policy, we don't link him anymore, you'll have to find it yourself if you need the original for some reason) shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

Unfairly Snubbed, Sox Deserve Much Better

Especially from that nasty ol' Chicago media. Why can't they just support the hometown team?

Dadgum, Hawkeroo. Would you believe the records are nearly identical now? In fact, when weighing the difficulty quotient of playing in the superior league, the White Sox actually are having a better season than the charmed, beloved, gush-and-goo Cubbies.

Whom Jay has been gushing and goo-ing over for a good two months now.

Where this uprising came from, I don't know,

I have a theory about one such possible source.

and where it's going, I can't say.

I have a theory about which way you want it to go.

But "Sox In The City" is a boffo hit.

Please don't use pop culture references like that. Or obscure adjectives like that. Or awkwardly shoehorn the name of a team into a dissimilar entity such as a TV show like that.

Not that anyone is noticing.

That has to be an attempt at baiting. It has to be.

Grasping for respect as always, clutching the inferiority complex that never ends in a town that never changes, the Sox are dealing with a relentless trail of dissing that, admittedly, doesn't seem fair.

Damn you, Sox haters. If only Jay Mariotti could figure out who you were, he'd give you a piece of his mind.

They have one of baseball's elite pitching staffs,

I seem to remember hearing something about a rotation filled with craters.

yet none of their pitchers was named to the American League All-Star team.

This is the fault of popular opinion about the team, and has nothing to do with Terry Francona or the player vote.

They launched a crazy/mad campaign pushing the very deserving Jermaine Dye for the final All-Star roster slot, yet he finished second Thursday to Tampa Bay darling Evan Longoria, whose statistics fall shy of Dye's.

1. That's barely true.
2. Dye finished second in a five man race, and he beat out a Yankee. If you have a brain, you should be able to tell that that is reflective of an enormous amount of support.

The Sox will send merely two players to Yankee Stadium, upstart Carlos Quentin and warrior Joe Crede,

The Rays and Angels are only sending three each. The Phillies and Mets are only sending two.

while the Cubs had a whopping seven players named to the National League club, including two (Kosuke Fukudome and injur ed Alfonso Soriano) who belong only as hot dog vendors.

The Cubs have a larger national fan base. Again, not too hard to figure out if you have a brain.

And worst of all? Attendance on the South Side, a traditional Sox bugaboo that should be a non-issue after a World Series championship, is becoming a story again. Despite their success, the Sox rank 18th among the 30 big-league teams with a 28,915 average, down 4,225 bodies a game from last year and a revealing 7,596 fans from 2006.

Attendance numbers in today's game are largely driven by pre-season ticket sales. Therefore there's a strong one year lag effect on those numbers. (That's why the defending NL champion Rockies can be one of the worst teams in the league and still be on pace to draw more fans than they have in six years.) The 2005 Sox won 99 games and the Series but only drew 2.3 million fans, largely because the 2004 Sox stunk. The 2006 Sox were good, but didn't make the playoffs and weren't in first anytime after May. Yet they nearly drew 3 million, mostly because of the 2005 title and subsequent preseason purchases. The 2007 Sox still drew 2.7 million, because the 2006 Sox won 90 games. The 2008 Sox, even if they win the division, probably won't even crack 2.5 million, because the 2007 Sox stunk. But if they do indeed make the postseason, I would wager that the 2009 Sox (regardless of how their season goes) end up back in the 2.8/2.9 area.

This is a long way of saying that I wish Jay Mariotti had never gotten into journalism, and instead grown up to be a garbageman.

The company line blames gas prices,

Probably not true, but whatever.

but last I looked, the Sox primarily draw within 25 miles of U.S. Cellular Field and don't remotely compare to the Cubs as a regional attraction. When it's easier to find a parking space in the Loop than a Cubs ticket -- attendance already is nearing 2 million on the North Side, compared to 1.3 million at The Cell --

2007 White Sox, 4th place. 2007 Cubs, division champs.

I safely can conclude the obvious once again.

The smugness is just oozing off the computer screen, isn't it? That's what makes this so much fun. Sentences (or clauses, or whatever the hell you want to call it) like that are the reason I still enjoy writing for this blog 15 months after it started. No matter how obvious it is that they are wrong about something, leave it to jackassed sports journalists to "safely" conclude the opposite. It's beautiful.

Even in a year when both teams could win division titles, the Cubs own this town like, well, Batman owns Chicago in "The Dark Knight."

Gotham City is a fictional location that's mostly parallel to New York. And what is that "well" doing in there?

The Sox? No matter how much Ozzie Guillen yaps, Ken Williams preens and players make headlines by clashing in the dugout,

What kind of lowlife journalists are writing those headlines? Say something positive about those guys for once! Jay Mariotti is begging you.

they're still the other club in town, the afterthought, the alternative. Sometimes, it's very hard to like the people who run the Sox, but this summer, I don't mind acknowledging that I feel sorry for the entire operation. They deserve better, such as bigger home audiences.

At least he's consistent in identifying them as the Cubs' collective bitch. Still, here's an idea, Jay- how about they deserve better from you?

So why are fewer people showing up? The economy has some impact, sure, but perhaps there's also a burnout effect involving Guillen, Williams and their circus-like way of doing business.

We'll see just how burnt out people are in 2009 if the Sox finish 2008 like they've started it.

A day rarely passes without a Sox controversy, whether it's the federal investigation of a Dominican Republic scouting scandal or the argument Wednesday night between the level-headed Dye and volatile Orlando Cabrera. Personally, as long as the Sox are winning amid the disarray, I believe the fans should be pleased and flocking to ticket windows.

Jeez, this is creepy. Did someone from the Sox organization kidnap Jay's family and tell him they wouldn't be released until he said something nice about the team?

But they could be worn out by it all, waiting to spend ballpark money in August and September when the real drama plays out -- and not the ongoing Ozfest.

Possibly a worse/more shoehorned pop culture reference than "Sox and the City."

Later (this was my favorite part of the article)...

In campaigning for Dye, the Sox were creative to the point of lunacy.

Oh yeah? "Lunacy," you say? Well please, go ahead and tell me about all the madcap antics they pulled to try and get their guy into the All-Star game. Skywriting? Offering to pay off the other candidates to drop out of the race? Bizarre and confusing viral marketing? I can't wait to hear about the outrageous lengths they went to.

They had Guillen, players and coaches wear "Vote for J.D." t-shirts and stickers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Let me catch my breath.





OK, I'm good. What else?

They posted messages on video boards across town.

That is completely bonkers. My computer's about to overheat just from copying and pasting the text into Blogger.

They flooded in-boxes of fans, making them eligible to win an autographed Dye jersey.

Never heard of anything like this before. Groundbreaking.

They even asked folks to support ex-Sox outfielder Aaron Rowand, who plays for San Francisco and was among five finalists for the last NL berth.

OK, and .... ?

This, too, defeats the purpose of trying to win an All-Star Game -- what if Rowand beat the AL with a home run?

So confusing. What is the point here? We followed this path to get here: Claim that the Sox did some crazy things to try to get Dye elected --> A list of those things, none of which was unorthodox at all --> Pointing out that the team also campaigned for one of their ex-players in the other league, which actually is kind of crazy but has nothing to do with Dye --> Complaining that that player might hit a game winning HR.

I think I'm just going to have to file this paragraph under "dumb" and leave it be. I can't parse it any more thoroughly than that.

The scheme officially went bonkers when the Sox hired a plane to display a banner: "Vote for JD: WhiteSox.com."

A-ha! My fault. They did do something a little wild. Not anywhere as cool as actual skywriting, but still a little out there.

This was done not in Chicago, but at Kaufmann Stadium in Kansas City. Huh?

Huh? I will give you one guess as to where the Sox were playing last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Don't overthink it. Hey, if you wanted to get a message like that to its target audience, which plan do you think would work better?

A) Fly the banner over the out-of-town stadium in which the team is playing, enabling fans (who, since they're watching the game and therefore probably interested in getting Dye voted in) to see it on TV and subsequently go online and fill out some ballots.

or

B) Regardless of the fact that no games are taking place there until after the voting closes, damn the torpedoes and fly the banner over USCellular Field anyways. Hope that the grounds crew subsequently goes home and fills out thousands of ballots each.

It's a tough call.

In the end, like everything else, the Sox came up short on the marketing end.

If only they could get a little support from the media every once in a while.

"It's an honor to see as many votes as we all got, that's unbelievable," said Dye, who finished not far behind Longoria, the recipient of nine million votes. "Just great support from everyone, the fans and my teammates. I'm happy to get so much talk about it the last four days. I'm just happy to be mentioned."

Such is the Sox existence, of course. Snubbed and dissed, they're just thrilled when anyone notices.

Way to be a gracious loser, Jermaine. You pussy. Here are some facts I'd like to conclude the post with.

1) Things Jermaine Dye could have said about finishing second to Longoria, other than what's printed above: zero
2) "Zany"/"looney" things the Sox did to campaign for Dye: 0.5
3) Odds that Sox attendance will rise dramatically in 2009: extremely high
4) Size of White Sox fanbase, relative to the average MLB team: high
5) Things mentioned in this article that the Sox should legitimately be worried about: zero
6) Last time the Sox were any good: 7/2/06
7) Media member most responsible for disrespecting the Sox: guy who wrote this article, which is entirely about how the Sox don't get enough respect

Jay Mariotti Doesn't Do Research Often, Or Maybe Ever

But at least he manages to correct himself without acknowledging his mistakes. On Tuesday, in the aftermath of the Sabathia trade and before the Harden trade (emphasis mine):

Job One should be Rich Harden, he of the 5-1 record, 2.34 ERA, 91 strikeouts and nine consecutive impressive starts until recent speed bumps. The Oakland righty is healthy, and while a hefty talent package will be extracted by A's dictator Billy Beane, the Cubs should have enough youthful pieces to make a match.

Your job essentially entails nothing except knowing about sports. That means that it shouldn't be too hard to be aware as to whether or not players are healthy; that goes triple for players who your hometown team may be targeting in trades. There have been many well-published reports in the last week or so that Harden's velocity is down and that he has felt like he has a "dead arm." Is that a diagnosed injury? No. Is that a massive red flag for a guy who hasn't cleared 100 innings in the last three years? Yep. So... how does that slip past you if you're Jay? That's rhetorical.

So then, today:

But in his last two starts, including Sunday against the White Sox, his velocity dropped -- and red flags instantly rose. Didn't the same thing happen to him last July? Didn't it lead to a dead arm and, inevitably, his fifth of six DL excursions over the last four seasons? Wouldn't that be a sensible explanation why Billy Beane, the cunning general manager of the A's, was so quick to deal Harden three weeks before the trading deadline? Can't Beane sense an impending crash when he sees one?

There you go. Better late than never.

Maybe the reason I made this post is because I hate the Cubs and I'm hoping this trade blows up in their faces. I mean, it's not like Harden is officially confirmed as hurt. I am being a little tough on Jay here. But all that considered, I would bet everything I own that he didn't know about the "dead arm" reports until after he wrote Tuesday's article and subsequently got a bunch of email from people letting him know that Harden might be damaged goods. I guarantee it.

Bonus material- more Jaylogic, again from Today.

There will be severe disappointment, if not unprecedented despair and depression, if this team doesn't win it all or, at least, the NL pennant.

Wow. If you're the Cubs, how do you say in early July that you're possibly headed for "unprecedented despair and depression" if you don't win it all? What? The Yankees, the recent Red Sox, maybe. But if you're the CUBS, where do those expectations come from? A bunch of 120 year old fans hanging out around Wrigleyville and telling everyone about the glory days? Seriously, that's bizarre. This is like the LA Clippers being 35-17 at the NBA All-Star break and claiming that anything short of a ring will be a crushing defeat. Or the Minnesota Vikings being 6-2 after week 8 and feeling the same way. Very strange.

I don't have to rewind the gloom-and-doom tape very far, back to last October, to present evidence of a club that looked Series-bound but stumbled miserably in the playoffs. Nothing quashes an October dream quite like two or three power arms in the rotation.

Yeah, watch out for guys like Doug Davis and Livan Hernandez (Arizona's game 2 and game 3 starters in that series). "Power arms" like that can really end their opponent's season quickly. Just like Colorado's Franklin Morales (currently in A ball) and Josh Fogg subsequently buried the Diamondbacks in the NLCS. Power arms.

Why We Don't Think Jeff Pearlman Is Such a Bad Guy

Sure, he's fully capable of writing garbage. But given the name of this blog, I have no choice but to link and gleefully acknowledge this, from Jeff's blog. (Be sure to click the links to get the joke, obivously.)

Reality is a bitch. It really is. But it’s also an oft-needed cold glass of water to the face. These days, nothing turns me off more than the journalist who over-inflates his own importance; who thinks he’s a celebrity and who believes what he does for a living has some sort of higher purpose.

If Jay can count "inspiring a worthless and irrelevant blog to make fun of pretty much anything you do" as a higher purpose, then he's in business. Otherwise... Jeff's right, he's a pudwhacker.

Here, Take This Brief Quiz To See Whether or Not You're Stupid

If you were evaluating two teams about to match up against each other in the playoffs, and you could only use one of the following pieces of data to decide which was more likely to win, which would you choose?

(a) The teams' records this season
(b) The teams' records last season

Only one of these answers is right. And it's not the one Jay Mariotti picked earlier today on "Around the Horn." Never one to let a perfectly good point slip past him without coming up with some outrageous way to try and disagree with it, when a fellow panelist who was talking about the College World Series said he was rooting for Fresno State because they're a good underdog story, Jay countered with:

But Georgia had a losing record in 2007, so they're even more of an underdog!

That's why most people thought the Red Sox would beat the Rockies in MLB's World Series last fall- not because the Sox had much better depth both in the rotation and off the bench, but because the Rockies were terrible in 2006. And that's why most people figured the Patriots would easily beat the Giants in last February's Super Bowl- not because New England was 18-0 at the time, but because the Giants were 8-8 in 2006. Why were the Lakers mild favorites over the Celtics in the recently concluded NBA Finals? You guessed it. Boston wasn't so hot in 2006-07.

Jay Mariotti: fucking stupid.

This Needs to Be Addressed.....

Teddy Goldstein took a little stab at Jay Mariotti in the Chicago Tribune. It's certainly worth discussing here, is it not?

The ultimate team player—that's how you think of Jay Mariotti, right?

I own 1/6th (currently) of a blog entitled "Fire Jay Mariotti", so the answer to this question is a resounding and emphatic "YES".

I find it funny that Teddy Greenstein thinks that he is addressing an audience that views Mariotti as a "team player."

The same Jay Mariotti who described his Sun-Times colleagues as "soft" for declining to rip White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

Damn bunch of softies! He's Venezuelan and swears a lot for crissake! Haven't you seen his team's record since July 2, 2006? The Blizzard is downright rip-able, and deserves to be ripped until the ripping brings "R.I.P." to mind. About his job of course! You tell 'em, Teddy Goldberg!

(yessssss.....nailed that one!)

Mariotti tells WTTW-Ch. 11's John Callaway in an interview that airs at 7:30 p.m. Friday: "When I'm being critical of our writers, it's to try to unify."

In Mrs. Finklebury's kindergarten class, almost everyone wanted delicious yellow cake with chocolate frosting for the class party, but Stubby Stubbornton, always contrarian, refused to have a party with anything but fruitcake. Stubby's ultimate goal, however, was to have a unified class, so that everyone had the same cake preference. After hours of thinking, Stubby decided that the best way to do this was to make fun of everyone until they opted for fruitcake instead. But a strange thing happened! No matter how much Stubby made fun of the other children, they didn't prefer fruitcake! Now if this kind of crap didn't work on kindergartners, Jay, then....

Meh, you know, it's probably just easier to call you a fucking retard.

Mariotti: "Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

Maybe, just mayyyyyybe the local media thinks that there's more interesting things to write about than repetitive dissections of literally tens of Ozzie rants? Are you listening, sensible people? Jay is COMPLAINING that the rest of the Chicago media isn't beating a dead horse like he is.

Callaway: "That's what people would say about you."

Attaboy, Callaway.

Mariotti: "Not me."

WRONG as usual, Jay, WRONG as usual.

Mariotti went on to say that Sun-Times beat writer Joe Cowley "has issues" and wrote a "pathetic" column after the Sox's blowup-doll controversy.

Another fine point, Teddy Greenberg! Yeah Jay, what about that? Why are you critiquing the writing of columnists for other newspapers?

He had harsher words for fellow columnist Rick Telander after Callaway played a clip of Telander asking why Mariotti is always so angry and determined to find "the dark side."

Teddy Rosenberg is realllllly hitting the nail on the head here.

Mariotti: "If you're not interested in, as he says, 'the dark side' of sports, then get out of the business."

And there's nothing more to it than that. Period.


Callaway: "Wait a second. Nobody has said more about the dark side of college football than Rick Telander."

A FINE point. I have no idea who Rick Telander is. But a FINE point, nonetheless.

Mariotti: "We're all supposed to cover the entire spectrum.

THE MARIOTTI SPECTRUM

John Paxson is a moron
Jerry Reinsdorf is a cheap-o wuss
Cedric Benson is a stupid person, a stupider runningback, and is responsible for all evil in the world.
Tiger Woods is pretty much the best thing ever.
Alfonso Soriano is a selfish asshole
Lou Piniella is crazy
Ozzie Guillen is the worst human being alive
Kenny Williams is a terrible GM
The Bulls don't have any star players
July 2, 2006 is the most important date in sports history. Period.

Outside of the Mariotti Spectrum: Actual games played by Chicago teams.

Don't sit here and stereotype me.

Oh, sorry, Jay. I'm planning on it. It's fun and easy, and the best part is, it accurately sums up your writing career.

That's just a smear campaign from a guy who … if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old.

Sounds like he's talking about Hawk Harrelson. It really does.

This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle …"

What battle?

(I think Teddy is Jewish.)

FUCK FUCK FUCK! No! All Wrong! Bad!

But....but this is the OPPOSITE of what we wanted to happen!

Mariotti signs Sun-Times contract extension

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jay Mariotti has agreed to a contract extension that will keep the award-winning sports columnist at the Sun-Times through May, 2011, Editor-in-Chief Michael Cooke said today.

Or alternatively, they could have saved money and just reprinted the same 5 columns over and over again

"The Sun-Times sports franchise is a robust, influential brand locally and nationally. It's the one place for independent, politically unimpeded sports commentary in Chicago," Mariotti said. "The Sun-Times provides for a strong base from which to connect with readers

You don't allow reader comments. How the fuck do you "connect" with readers?

while I continue my television work

You call yelling at Woody Paige work?

"Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a focal point of our strong, award-winning team that produces simply the best sports news in print and online anywhere," Cooke said.

I'm sorry, NEWS??? You think THAT'S what Jay has been printing all these years? Let's just take this totally random and not cherry-picked excerpt from some column Jay wrote last October.


GREEN BAY, Wis. -- What a dope, that Ashton Kutcher. Didn't he have better things to do with his life? A lifelong Bears fan from Iowa, he and wife Demi Moore ventured from Hollywood to Cheesewood to see his team play the Packers. They even brought their friends, lovebirds Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake -- the same Timberlake who participated in an infamous wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl.

I would have predicted a franchise malfunction Sunday night.

NEWS!

"We are excited to continue working with Jay, and for him to continue to pull no punches when it comes to his exceptional sports commentary."

Exceptional. Right. Here is the exceptionally genius method with which Jay writes.

Step 1) Find a scapegoat. It can be anyone who screws up majorly and deserves it, anyone who screws up minorly and doesn't deserve it, or someone you just plain don't like.

Step 2) Harp on that person's faults relentlessly for 10-15 paragraphs. Relevance is unnecessary. Avoid talking about sports at all costs.

Step 3) Repeat. And I don't mean repeat the process. Repeat with the same scapegoat and same irrelevant criticisms.

Congratulations, Chicago Sun-Times. This is truly a proud day for you.

Jay Mariotti Continues to Cry and Sob About Ozzie Guillen

Holy balls, I am nervous. Does it show? Oh man, I think I just shat myself. Here's the issue- PNoles, having graduated from college a couple weeks ago, is now either dead from graduation-related alcohol poisoning or employed full time. That leaves the unenviable task of picking apart a Mariotti column to yours truly. *deep breath* OK, here goes. And as per site policy, I won't link to the article in order to make sure Jay doesn't receive any traffic boosts from us. Find it yourself if you need to.

To show off Chicago, you reject the Kennedy Expy. for Peterson Avenue and take Lake Shore Drive toward the skyline. You visit the museums and stores, do a comedy club, hang out in Bucktown, avoid Trump Tower, ride an elevator to the top of the Hancock, then pick any one of 100 good places for dinner. You hail a cab to a jukebox bar and drink longnecks in the light of the beer signs.

To show off Chicago, here's what you do. Take a slightly different route from the airport to downtown than most people would. Then you do a bunch of shit you can do in pretty much any big city- tall building, comedy club (???), something the locals like to call "retail shopping," and don't forget to eat food! Then, finally, you go drink alcohol. If it sounds intensely cultural, that's because it is. Jay Mariotti: an effeminate man who knows how to have a good time.

And you go nowhere near U.S. Cellular Field.

I mean, maybe... it is on the South Side, a long ways away from most stuff... but on the other hand, it's conveniently located right off the Dan Ryan. Why would you avoid it?

Not because you hate the White Sox, but because Ozzie Guillen works there.

Oh, I see. If you lived in Chicago and had out of town company, and really wanted to show them the city, you would avoid the less famous of the city's two baseball stadiums. Why? Because the manager of the team who plays there has personally insulted Jay Mariotti in the past. No other reason, just that. That guy is mean, so keep the visitors away. You never know who Guillen is going to slander next, after all.

Forget about those old Al Capone and Hog Butcher to the World references. What this city must expunge, as it attempts to win the 2016 Olympics and polish its image for the world, is the embarrassing cloud of stench accumulated by the Blizzard of Oz with his relentlessly profane attacks on human life around him.

I can just see the IOC right now, sitting in a secret room with curtains drawn a couple years from now, deciding not to give the Olympics to Chicago because Guillen has said some controversial stuff. Letting China host the games in spite of their spotty human rights record? No problem. Letting Chicago host the games when one of its 9 million residents has a short fuse and easy access to an unimportant segment of the media? No thanks!

If he is so deathly unhappy managing the Sox, as he has commented at least twice in a three-week period in which his team has risen to the division lead, then my only suggestion to him is to leave town for his sake and ours. And if he won't leave, then Ken Williams and Jerry Reinsdorf should fire him.

I'm no ChiSox fan. I'm also not a Guillen admirer. (Not a hater, either. Just a casual observer.) But I definitely understand the difference between being in 1st place in June and being good enough to be in 1st place at the end of September. The second is more important than the first, and Guillen doesn't feel like his team has the talent it needs to reach that objective. Can't blame him for that. Sure, he's batshit crazy and constantly popping off at the mouth. But Jerry Reinsdorf and Kenny Williams have known that for years now. If they truly believe in his managerial talent, then by now they should have installed filters on their ears that translate what the guy is trying to say during tirades like the one that prompted this stoolpile of an article. The guy thinks his lineup stinks. Viola. That's all they need to know. The rest is just filler for pudwhackers like Mariotti to get upset about. Is it right for Ozzie to say this in public in the manner he did? Probably not. But it shouldn't be a job-threatening mistake, particularly not from this guy.

I wrote it last year. I'm writing it today. And I will keep writing it until sanity prevails and the Sox return to some form of civilized leadership in their dugout.

Let the record show that for purely personal reasons (i.e., his feud with Guillen, and not because he thinks removing Guillen will necessarily make the Sox any better) Jay continues to espouse a this course of action. If and when Guillen finally is shown the door, brace yourself for his self-righteous response.

"I'm sick and tired to watch this thing for a year and a half," Guillen said in his latest rant, this one aimed at Williams. The feeling is mutual, Ozzie. We are sick and tired of you.

Pwn!

When you're in last place, you're miserable.

That team needs a manager who's content finishing 72-90.

When you're in first place, you're miserable.

When you're in first place in early June, and are wholly convinced that you won't be able to stay there much longer without more offense, you voice that opinion. What are you, fucking nuts? As before, Guillen should have probably have aired his concerns in private. But he's not, like, fucking nuts for having them.

When you go out for a beer, you say you're miserable because you're afraid the guy next to you will yap that he got drunk with Ozzie, as you said last month.

This is bad for reasons known only to Jay. I mean, what celebrity doesn't just love being in the public eye during ostensibly private moments?

You are trapped inside this creepy character you've created. Whatever charm that may have been attached to the Blizzard three years ago, when the Sox somehow won a World Series, has been replaced by a reality that glory isn't worth the price of dealing with a madman.

First "Blizzard" reference! Hooray! This article is now official. It's like a baseball game that made it through the 5th with a steady rain already falling. Doesn't matter what happens from here on out- we're already in the record books.

It's one thing for Guillen to make a mockery of a ballclub and the bosses who have enabled his clown act. It's quite another for Guillen to become a piece of crude, negative imagery when people think of our town.

Oh, the irony. Percentage of people nation wide who think of Chicago, then think of Guillen as one of its key institutions, then become offended: undoubtedly less than 1. Honestly, who the hell cares what he says or does? Percentage of people nation wide who think of Chicago, then think of Mariotti as one of its key institutions, then become offended: probably slightly more than 1. I mean, you figure a good part of the population is made up of sports fans... and most of them have access to ESPN... and some of those people watch "Around the Horn"... and every last one of those people can clearly see that Jay stinks... and most of them know he's from Chicago... and a reasonable portion of them are subsequently offended... I'm going to say that totals up to more than 1% of 300 million. Call me nuts.

Monday was one such moment, a day after he turned his tongue in the direction of management for the first time. As you may have noticed through the years, I am the Blizzard's only critic in the Chicago media, mostly because my soft colleagues either fear Guillen's wrath, enjoy how he rips me, work for one of the Reinsdorf-controlled broadcast outlets or are afraid of getting on the chairman's bad side.

Or, haven't provoked Guillen enough to be called out by him and see no reason to do so. As well as don't need to constantly criticize local figures in order to stir up controversy and maintain their audience.

I ignore what they write and say about Guillen, and I'd advise any reasonable person to do the same. Far more interesting to me is how the national media view him. Frankly, they're stunned he is still employed. ESPN's Mike Greenberg, the whip-smart radio host who used to work here in the '90s and understands the homerish nature of many local media, opened his SportsCenter segment on Guillen with an astute comment: Why do Guillen's inane rants largely go unchallenged? The answer, of course, is that 72-year-old Reinsdorf approves of them as high comedy, which is a poor and hypocritical reflection on an owner who promotes family nights at the ballpark and has been co-chairman of Major League Baseball's Equal Opportunity Committee. When Reinsdorf says he thinks Guillen is "the Hispanic Jackie Mason," most of his media sheep in town laugh right along. That's why the rants go unchallenged.

That, and the fact that most people don't take them overly seriously because they realize that you can separate what a person is saying from the way in which they're saying it. They're not going to shit themselves every time he rants about something, because they recognize that's just the kind of person he is. And as long as he's not insulting anyone besides Jay, I think we can all understand where he's coming from.

On "Pardon the Interruption," co-host Tony Kornheiser

The foremost authority on anything worth complaining about, to be sure. Whiny old coot. Retire (even more) already why don't ya.

seemed amazed that Guillen is still employed. "He may as well wear a shirt that says 'Fire Me' on the front and 'Fire Me' on the back," said Kornheiser, who has defended Guillen in the past. "He's in first place and he's screaming. How does he keep his job? Is his life so bad?"

Well, he wants to stay in first place. He thinks the team needs to make some changes in order for that to happen. So yeah, he life is kind of bad right now. He's like an ugly guy with a gorgeous girlfriend who's constantly being hit on by good looking dudes. (The girlfriend is being hit on, not the guy. Stupid English language. When are we going to genderize our nouns to avoid confusion in sentences like this one? Not soon enough, that's when.) I think the analogy works pretty well- sure, things are fine right now, but what about next week? Next month? Something's got to give, and what acquiring a better second baseman is to Ozzie is what knocking up that girl is to the ugly guy.

On "Around The Horn," I used to be the lone Guillen basher. Not anymore. Monday, Woody Paige

Always good to have him in your corner. Really lends a lot of legitimacy to your stance.

said he should have been fired two weeks ago.

Shortly after drinking a pitcher full of mercury.

J.A. Adande said the clock is ticking on his employment.

And noted as an aside that Robert Horry undoubtedly belongs in basketball's Hall of Fame.

This is what I do when I know I'm right and media folks in Chicago are wrong. I seek confirmation from people who don't live here, people who aren't swallowed up by spin jobs and smear campaigns. They make the most sense.

This is what I do when no one nearby will agree with me: go out and find two other guys who are nearly as dumb as I am and get them to agree with me. That pretty much proves everything, right?

"The manager has to respect the GM. He has to apologize to the GM," the retired major-leaguer Julio Franco said.

"You have to have a relationship between the manager and the general manager, and once that's lost, you've got issues," said Buck Showalter, one of Guillen's old targets.

This all well and good, and Guillen should probably privately apologize, but like I said before it's not like Williams shouldn't expect this out of Guillen. I'm not saying Guillen has license to say whatever he wants; I'm saying that he simply can't seem to help saying shit like this, so if you're going to employ him, you might as well get used to it. Let him heat up, let him cool down, and move on. Lost in all this crybabying, too, is the fact that this rant was really more about the players than about management. Guillen said he wanted Williams to make a better lineup, or even fire himself or the hitting coach... but he didn't explicitly blame Williams for the team's run scoring problem. He merely said the offense they have wasn't going to work long term. It's a gray area, to be sure, and it's fair for Williams to feel insulted, but it's not an outright insult to the GM.

Guillen is such a hypocrite. Not long ago, he was ripping local media and fans for criticizing the Sox and gushing over the first-place, problem-free Cubs. Now, he's criticizing the Sox, too. Coupled with recent remarks in which he seemed fed up with managing life -- "There are times lately where I say, 'Wow, why do we have to go through this situation?' I can live without these problems, I can live without the smell of the ballpark," he said -- there is only one conclusion.

Put the man out of his misery. Fire him.

There is only one comclusion that will put Jay out of his misery. Fire Ozzie Guillen so he doesn't feel threatened anymore. And for the love of God, keep the tourists away from US Cellular. You don't want them whispering about how negative the home team's manager is, do you?

OK, so how'd I do? Granted, I'm not a Chicago native (or a fucking ginger, that's him on the right) like PNoles, but I've spent my share of time in the Windy City. I think this will pass muster until whenever he decides to start recovering from graduation weekend or take some time off from his horrible entry-level job. Until then, keep in mind that the whole point of this blog is to get Jay Mariotti fired. Just because Bill Simmons is a clueless bint and the NBA playoffs are way too long doesn't mean we can forget about our namesake.

STOP

Everyone seems to have an opinion about whether or not Joba Chamberlain should move from the Yankee bullpen into their rotation. So let me give you mine: this is the stupidest, most worthless, most ridiculous, most rage-inducing sports story of the past five years. I cannot think of a single "talking point" - not one - that is more of a waste of the public's time than this. The first time I heard it brought up (probably immediately following New York's loss to Cleveland in the ALDS) absolutely needed to be the last. I don't care how popular the Yankees are; until he steps onto a mound to actually make his first start, this is the very definition of a non-story. Holy fucking balls, media. Stop it. Now. Stop stop stop. Fucking stop it before you make another generation of America's youth think that no matter where they live, they're required to be either Yankees or Red Sox fans. (Watch the Little League World Series this August and take notice of the kids' profiles if you don't know what I'm referring to.)

As an aside, another thing that needs to stop is the national media referring to players (or execs, for that matter) strictly by their first name. I'm tired of hearing about "Joba," "Hank," "Manny," or "Pedro." Well, the last two I might be able to stomach, since those are kind of those dudes' nicknames. But headlines like "Hank Starts Storm Over Joba's Role" are flagrantly tabloidish. The reason trashy celebrity magazines refer to "Britney" and "Angelina" in the way that they do is to try to bring the stars closer to their audience and make them feel like they actually know famous people on some level. That kind of imaginary friendship is intended to add fun, by way of drama and sensationalism, to the lives of those readers. But sports are already fun and sensational enough on their own. Fans don't need empty stories presented in a tabloidish format to stay interested.

I'm off to write another post that will contain significantly less bitching!

www.FireRickMorrissey.Jayspot.claims

It's a well known fact that Rick Morrissey hates Jay Mariotti. Rick thinks it's laughable that Mariotti won't show his face in the Chicago White Sox clubhouse (he literally fears for his life) but constantly slams the Sox from a distance. Mariotti, in the most immature of stunts, posted this, claiming with ridiculous evidence that Rick Morissey is "stalking" him.

I have nothing more to say about this. It looks like Jay is right. It's just funny that actual sports analysis is taking a progressively lower portion of his writing, and when he writes on topics like this, it just vanishes completely.

Nothing but this little nugget, actually.

As I've said for years, the Trib should have hired Michael Wilbon when it had the chance -- or never should have let Lincicome, Verdi and Bayless go. Those gentlemen seemed to develop opinions without reading the Sun-Times first.

Yes, that's right Jay. The Tribune would be in way better shape if it kept Skip Bayless on their staff. He's not pointless, retarded, and an ignoramus or anything.

It's Not That I Particularly Like Rick Morrissey...

...but this is a very good article. If every sports journalist could follow the lead Morrissey at least lays out in this article, this site might not exist.

Here's some highlights:

If you use swear words, as Guillen did, you might be referred to in the newspaper as "potty mouthed," a term that is so matronly, it's hard to know where to begin. If this keeps up, the Sox aren't going to need a manager, they're going to need a schoolmarm.

This is absolutely 100% true. In case you hadn't heard about the flap, AJ Pierzynski was on the Mike North sportstalk radio show on AM 670 in Chicago. AJ criticized manager Ozzie Guillen's decision to start backup catcher Toby Hall in the meaningless first game of the meaningless interleague series vs. the Cubs. Ozzie called in to confront AJ and North, and let drop a few "shit"s on live radio.

Some columnists in Chicago acted like this was a crime against humanity, the latest in Ozzie's various sins against the pure-hearted baseball loving public. I don't think Rick Morrissey or I are trying to say it's ok that Ozzie cursed on the airwaves, but the fact is, everyone who listens to sports talk radio has heard the word "Shit" before. It's also likely that most everyone who listens to sports talk radio has said the word "shit" before. Every baseball coach I've ever had has used the word "shit" before and I didn't respect them any less for it. So I guess what Rick Morrissey's trying to say here, and what I would echo, and will echo, is that it's not that big a deal.

Say what you will about the decline in decorum in American culture, but that's the way it is. You may say that this is sending the message that it's ok to say "shit" in casual conversation. But guess what: it is. When you reach a certain age (let's say, 18) it doesn't become a big deal. If the situation calls for it (say, you ding up your car on a lamp post, or drop a brick on your toe, or have some shithead catcher on your team question your judgment) you curse. And people generally understand.

Too bad the airwaves, FCC, and moral compass of the media is always harping on completely ridiculous, irrelevant shit. The whole Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, for instance, was completely ridiculous. It was a fucking stupid publicity stunt, but to use that to completely enforce state sponsored censorship seemed to be an extreme. The party line "we must protect our kids from ever seeing tit again" seemed to belie a kind of accepted ignorance to the fact that football is a violent sport played by assholes. The fact that the NFL wants the Super Bowl, a collection of ruthless borderline criminals running into eachother (beautifully) at high speeds, to be a "family entertainment hour" despite the fact that it's hopelessly violent and mostly unappealing to the majority of women is underscored every year by nauseatingly saccharine half-time shows (even the most innocuous of which are always protested by clueless morons....see this year's phallic silhouette flap for proof) and "the commercials" (as in the ever-annoying "I only watch it for the commercials").

Meanwhile Roger Goddell and David Stern continue to bite the hand that feeds them, eschewing the fact that NFL and NBA's immense popularity in urban milieus (which separate the two leagues in the race for nationwide popularity and ad revenue and luxury box sales from the less popular-in-urban-areas MLB) comes largely from the "street cred" of the two leagues. David Stern is the biggest perpetrator of this shilling and shucking, basically spitting in the face of his urban audience with dress codes and ridiculous suspension policies in preference of the luxury box crowd. Goddell merely enforces a behavior code that seems predicated on suspicion of guilt---something that inevitably seems to vilify certain athletes while ignoring the fact that the league is mostly full of generally criminal ex-collegiates who inevitably lived a lawless life as college players, taking payoffs, showing up to class when they felt like it, and having sex in degrading ways with innumerable groupies. The fact that players like Michael Vick, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss are portrayed as some sort of outsiders, aberration, execptional assholes, and so on, instead of as the rule, while, paradoxically decent guys (who, in my opinion are the vast exception rather than the status quo) like Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson are lauded for their being decent human beings---I guess what I'm trying to say is the league sort of acknowledges that most everyone is a scoundrel, but also singles out people for having bad attitudes. It really reminds me of a very funny Onion article about Ray Allen. This one, I mean.

Like, for example, remember Mark Chmura making that very public statement after the Packers's Super Bowl win that he wouldn't go to the White House to accept a congratulations from Clinton because of Clinton's "immoral behavior"...About a year later Chmura was arrested for statutory rape. He was, of course, inevitably acquitted when it was determined that all he did was take the 17-year old girl into the bathroom, lock the door, force her pants off and manually, and only manually, show her the meaning of tight end. Not to single Chewie out excessively, but I think this is a beautiful metaphor for sports journalism today. All the Schillings, Mariottis, Baylesses, and Dr. Z's of the world pointing a finger at the crumbums and ne'er-do-wells of the sports world with 4 fingers pointing back at them. Just saying.

But I digress. Morrissey says this better than I anyway. Let's let his words do the talking:

I'm not sure what's left for them anymore. No swearing. No off-color jokes. No having disagreements with teammates. And, please, whatever you do, no youthful indiscretions. Don't make mistakes as 18-year-olds that you will be spanked for again and again later. Don't dare do that because there's no statute of limitations on immaturity.


-----


I don't walk with my knuckles dragging behind me, nor can I make a side part with the hair on my back. But sometimes I squirm at what is happening in my profession. It's not that the blowhards are winning, which is bad enough. It's that the blowhards are commando Puritans on the lookout for sinners.

That's why a manager who swears or a figure-skating judge who cheats can get the same indignant treatment as the football player who gets arrested three times in less than two years. It's all the same. There's no distinction, just the same reaction: The humanity!


-----


All of this poor behavior among athletes arouses some of the writers—in a very pure way, of course. They can't have this sort of thing in society. Next thing you know, we'll be tolerating sports owners who don't shell out big bucks to bring winners to a town that so richly deserves them.

Give me turmoil, not because of the benefits to a controversy-starved columnist like me. Just to know that there's a pulse. That they care. I'll take that anytime over a group that toes the line.

Guillen cares. So do his players. The rest of it is silly stuff.

Not the best-written article I've ever read, nor is Rick Morrissey guilt-free when it comes to writing stupid bullshit, but credit where credit is due. It's a breath of fresh air to hear this thing outside the blogosphere (god, do I love that term) and as an added bonus, it's almost like you can hear him pretending to clear his throat whilst coughing "Mariotti! Mariotti!" after every sentence.

Kudos, Rick Morrissey. Now just try to refrain from writing more "The Cubs are more important than the White Sox" articles for about a month or so.

Jerry Reinsdorf Must Have Killed Jay Mariotti's Father

That would be the only way to explain a fucking Pennsylvanian like Mariotti, who continually harps on how he's "so much smarter than the average Chicago Sportswriter" because he's "not a fan, and he thinks with his head not his heart" to have such a vendetta against Reinsdorf.

I know a lot of Sox fans (Bulls not so much) who will never forgive Reinsdorf for his myriad offenses (UHF, 94 strike, 97 White Flag)...although most have forgiven him in the wake of the WS victory in 05. And very few people blame Reinsdorf for the disintegration of the Bulls team that won 6 championships. Most, if they must blame someone, blame Krause and Jordan for failing to work things out between the two of them.

At any rate, Mariotti's spewing garbage again. It's not worth analyzing how many ways this is wrong, because it's wrong in every way. I just want to point out that this article was published the day after a Sox victory vs. Oakland kept them only 4.5 games back in the toughest division in baseball by far with more than 100 games left to play

It's Another Sinking Ship (is he fucking serious? He is).