NBA WHO SAYS NO Rankings - Part 3

Are you finished feeling guilty for what YOU'VE done to DeMarcus "Boogie" Cousins, America?  Have you thought about what you did?  Good, now we can move on to two players who I genuinely dislike (one of whom does not belong this high on the list) and one who Bill is GENUINELY WORRIED ABOUT, GUYS.

8. Blake Griffin

Things that concern me in no particular order …

Oh wait, Bill is GENUINELY WORRIED about lots of things.  He's fretting.  His palms are sweaty.  WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?  Will NBA fans everywhere finally agree that Griffin is a manbaby hothead who is responsible for about 99% of every on-court scrape/half-fight/actual fight he gets into?  WILL PEOPLE STOP BUYING KIAS?  OH THE HUMANITY

A. Why didn’t Blake’s elbow injury submarine the Clippers’ season? 

Well, he only missed 15 games.  His shooting and rebounding are at career worsts, but his assists are at career highs and his PER is pretty much holding steady.  He's a good player.  He's not an irreplaceable player.  His absence probably cost them a win or two.

This is a team that gives real, actual, tangible minutes to Hedo Turkoglu, Big Baby Davis and Occasionally Fredo Rivers. They just signed The Artist Formerly Known As Nate Robinson and made him a rotation guy. They were upset when they couldn’t get Tayshaun Prince or Kendrick Perkins. They could sign literally any washed-up former star (Rasheed Wallace, Chauncey Billups, Gilbert Arenas, Shawn Kemp, etc.), play him 12 minutes tomorrow night and you wouldn’t be shocked. And they went 9-6 without one of the league’s best 12 players? Where was the 15-game swoon?

I don't like Griffin's game at all, I think he's overrated, but Jesus's hairy balls, dude.  It's not that weird.  They have one of the three best PGs in the league, a good coach (even if he can be a total shithead) and an elite rebounder/rim protector.  What were they supposed to do, go 0-15 without him?

B. He’s headed for his third straight Antoine Walker Award, given annually to the NBA star who provokes the highest ongoing level of disdain from opponents and referees. 

Herrrrrre we go.

Look, it’s hard to stand out on the 2014-15 Los Angeles Bitchers — 

Horrible, unfunny, corny nickname.  (I don't think he's got another "Jackass Central" in him.)  But it is most definitely accurate.

an irascible bunch that spends an unfathomable amount of time griping about calls, stink-eyeing officials, taking hard fouls way too personally and reacting to unexpected whistles by sprinting in short bursts with outstretched arms and their faces contorted in disbelief (or as it’s better known, “The Doc”). 

Wow--shocked that he would admit to as much.  I guess he's still sour about that time Rivers (rightfully) called him a know-nothing dumbass live during the NBA draft, as well as the fact that Rivers is no longer coaching his beloved C's.

But Blake has managed to do it. Opponents believe they can get in his head. And they usually do.

Go buy a lottery ticket, everyone.  I agree with Bill Simmons about something.  (Although I disagree that it's cause for concern about his status/value as a player.  I mean, he's a good player who has a short fuse.  Plenty of those guys have had successful and productive careers.)

C. A 6-foot-10 power forward who’s built like a Greek god, plays waaaaay above the rim and once averaged 12 boards a game as a rookie can’t grab eight rebounds a night in his fifth NBA season? That’s an astonishing drop-off, no?

Excuse No. 1: His offensive rebounding fell off (3.3 as a rookie, 2.0 in Year 5) because he shoots more jumpers now.

Love Bill's thinking here: he's grabbing 4.5 fewer rebounds per game than at his rebounding apex.  First possible reason: he's grabbing 1.3 fewer offensive rebounds per game.  Mystery: solved.

Excuse No. 2: There aren’t enough available rebounds now that Contract Year DeAndre has become possessed by Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost.

This one is actually pretty legitimate--Jordan is grabbing 15 boards a game.  That's nuts.  When Griffin was a 12 RPG rookie, Jordan averaged 26 MPG but only grabbed 7.5 boards.  It's like they've switched roles, and then some.

Excuse No. 3: Blake has bigger ambitions; he wants to be more of a playmaker now. That brings us to …

Probably fair, given that he's handing out more than five APG.  I don't like the guy, I think he's overrated, I think he's too high on this list (I'd take Cousins over him ten times out of ten), but that's pretty impressive for a guy who also scores 22 a game and plays most of his minutes with Chris Paul.

D. I voted Blake third for MVP last season and believed he was heading for a decade-long run of 24-and-10 seasons. 

Bill's obsession with HOW WILL WE LOOK BACK ON THIS IN X YEARS continues, only now he gets to unsubtly drop in the fact that he has an MVP vote.  Go fuck yourself, Bill.

This generation’s best power forward, basically. Well …

Mailman (Years 4-10): 28-11-3, 53% FG, 10.2 FTA, 2.5 stocks, 25.1 PER
Duncan (Years 4-10): 22-12-3, 51% FG, 7.7 FTA, 3.3 stocks, 25.8 PER
Barkley (Years 4-10): 25-12-4, 56% FG, 9.3 FTA, 2.4 stocks, 26.3 PER
Dirk (Years 4-10): 25-9-3, 47% FG, 7.1 FTA, 2.1 stocks, 25.5 PER
Blake (Year 5): 22-8-5, 50% FG, 6.6 FTA, 1.3 stocks, 22.9 PER

Why are FTAs in there?  I'm not saying it's a useless statistic, but the way games are reffed has changed so much over time that I really don't see the point of comparing Malone's and Barkley's numbers with Griffin's.  Look, the facts that his PER is materially lower than any of those guys, and his rebounding is disappearing (whether in deference to a teammate or not) are enough to convince me.

And I had to round up from 7.6 to get to eight rebounds. Shouldn’t he be trending up? Last season, after Blake carried the CP3-less Clips for a month and showed off a better all-around game than we ever imagined, Kirk Goldsberry called him “the most prolific interior scorer in the NBA” and backed up that progress with year-by-year shot charts. 

Difficult title to bestow on someone who plays with CP3 (who I also hate, but do not think is overrated).  With his post game, his insane vision on the pick and roll, and his ability to space the floor (not to mention frequent punches to opponents' dicks), Paul makes life easier for any big man.  With the Hornets he made Tyson Chandler and Emeka Okafor look like legitimate inside scorers.  He could probably get 2015 Charles Barkley 15 points a game if Barkley suited up and went back out there.

This season, Blake wanted to show off his improved jump shot and admitted as much in a piece in The Players’ Tribune 

Side note: the Players' Tribune is a great idea.  It's also a tire fire in terms of execution.  Much like Grantland.

that contributing editor Blake Griffin headlined, “Why Ain’t He Dunkin?” Kudos to him for spending thousands of hours fixing a once-broken jump shot, but man … we have 100 guys who can make 20-footers. As Goldsberry joked last week, nobody ever watched Blake and said, “Someday, maybe he can become the next David West.”

Well, in theory, a professional athlete should have so much time available for practice that they can work on one skill without having others deteriorate.  Maybe the reason Griffin's improved jump shooting has come at the expense of his interior efficiency (and possibly his offensive rebounding) is that he's just not as good as everyone thinks he is.

Like everyone else, I loved watching Year 4 Blake — the reckless super-athlete with a blossoming inside-outside game who searched for GIFtims (GIF victims) 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

every time he careered toward the hoop. But Year 5 Blake? Let’s play America’s hottest game show, “When The Eye Test Meets Advanced Metrics!”

KIRK GOLDSBERRY/GRANTLAND

Hate to show too much love to Grantland, but those shot charts are fucking cool.

Goldsberry’s translation: “The good news: He’s finally converting all of those elbow shots at above-average rates. That will help him extend his career. The bad news: He’s gone from ‘great’ to ‘good’ in the paint. Not only is his efficiency down close to the basket, but his usage is way down, too; for the first time in his career, the majority of his shots are jumpers. So he deserves credit for improving as a jump shooter, but he may have already peaked as an interior force.”

Is he afraid of contact?  Do hard fouls get to him?  Is he getting lazier as he ages?  I don't really give a shit, but he's not the #8 trade asset in the league.  Especially not when he's getting ~$20 million a year through 2018, and his contract includes a 15% raise if he gets traded.

Ideally, you would want to combine Great-In-The-Paint Blake with Above-The-Rim Blake, Crash-The-Boards Blake, Sneaky-Good-Passer Blake and Above-Average Elbow Shooter Blake and create Super-Blake. 

America's most popular basketball analyst, and bestselling author of "The Book of Basketball" shares his really interesting thoughts about Blake Griffin.

(Right now, only Anthony Davis trumps Super-Blake as an all-around “JESUS! HOW DO YOU STOP HIM???” forward.) Will it ever happen? 

I mean, it sort of already has happened; he's a really good player who's good for 22 and 8 or so.  If he wasn't playing with Jordan it would probably be 24 and 10.  Please stop concern trolling about him.

Should we be concerned that, 

Please stop concern trolling.

during his age-25 season, Griffin’s rebounding, free throw attempts, blocks, steals, in-the-paint numbers and everything else that signifies “I am zipping around like a force of nature!” are drifting the wrong way?

Please stop concern trolling.

Super-Blake was and is untradable. But Not-As-Reckless-Above-Average-Elbow-Shooter-Who-Can’t-Get-Two-Rebounds-A-Quarter Blake? You tell me.

He's not untradable, other than perhaps from the perspective of the other 29 teams in the league with that 15% escalator.  He's still really good.  We have learned nothing from Bill's 500 words on Blake Griffin.  We're done here.

7. Chris Paul

Fucking complainy-pants asshole extraordinaire.  Unlike Griffin, though, I think he is properly ranked on this list.

“Teammates lived in perpetual fear of letting him down. Coaches struggled to reach him and ultimately left him alone. 

And just like that, Adam Morrison was out of the NBA."

Referees dreaded calling his games, knowing they couldn’t toss the league’s best player even as he was serenading them with F-bombs. 

I wish he were talking about Tim Duncan.

Fans struggled to connect with a prodigy who had little interest in connecting with them.”

Now he's talking about himself, maybe?

Did I write that in my NBA book about Chris Paul … or Oscar Robertson? (Checking.) 

OK, I'm out of bad "lol he was talking about someone else" jokes.

Whoops, Oscar. But Chris is really three people: Cliff Paul 

Darren Rovell just got half a boner upon reading that Simmons has internalized State Farm's marketing.

(the bespectacled guy from the State Farm commercials), 

Cliff Paul stinks.

Chris Paul (the media-savvy brand who gives thoughtful interviews, runs the NBPA and always does the right thing) 

Again, except when he's taking cheap shots, flopping, or bitching about the correct call.

and CP3 (the player himself). And you know what CP3 is? An impossible crank, an unforgiving perfectionist, a drill sergeant, a weirdly joyless player who struggles to resonate with teammates and home fans … and someone who plays point guard about as well as that position can be played.

And who has never been past the second round of the playoffs.  I hate that kind of criticism in most sports, but in basketball, great players have the ability to carry teams.  Paul is exiting his prime.  Within a couple of years it'll be pretty much impossible for him to be the best player on a championship contender.  But still, fuck, he's pretty good.

CP3 spent the first half of this season getting into shape (it’s true) while remaining supernaturally efficient; he’d routinely take quarters off and halves off and seemed even grouchier than usual. 

For fuck's sake, Bill.  You don't know the guy personally.  Who the hell knows how he was really feeling?

When Blake went down, CP3 unleashed holy hell; he has vaulted to that Westbrook/Harden/LeBron/Davis/Curry level for a solid month (and counting) while carrying a limited team. 

HE IS A TOP SIX PLAYER, MOST LIKELY EXACTLY SIXTH BEST.  NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING BUT YES

As Doc loves to point out, CP3 actually plays both ends and loves disrupting other point guards; new advanced metrics even back up CP3’s defensive brilliance. 

I'm not sure which ones he's referring to, but given his "the sun shines on things because I cast my eyes upon them" attitude, they're probably metrics that have been around for like five years that Bill just discovered.  Thus they are brand spanking new.

(I went to a Grizzlies game a few weeks ago in which he absolutely destroyed Mike Conley, who’s only one of the league’s best 25 players.) 

I like Mike Conley, but no he's not.

And CP3’s pull-up elbow jumper remains the NBA’s best crunch-time weapon. It’s about as sure of a thing as you can get these days.

"These days."  What the fuck is he talking about?  Is it way harder to get crunch time points now than it was ten or twenty years ago?  What?

And yet … CP3 is also a basketball curmudgeon, someone who dominates the ball in close games to an almost harmful degree. He doesn’t trust anyone else late; he’s like one of those moms who won’t let anyone babysit her kids. 

He also plays on a team with little scoring depth and no shooters other than "35 and not aging well" Jamal Crawford and "can't be on the floor continuously during crunch time because he can't guard anyone" JJ Redick.

His teammates know it, and even worse, his opponents know it. Can you win in the playoffs that way? 

Well, he hasn't yet.

Doesn’t it open the door for what happened in Game 5 of last spring’s OKC series? Can you point to another example of a ball-dominating little guy who also won four straight playoff rounds? 

We got it--enough with the fucking non-rhetorical rhetorical questions.  Also, how about Isiah Thomas?

He’s certainly the best pure point guard since Isiah Thomas — another fiery competitor who demanded perfection from everyone around him. But Isiah trusted his teammates way more than CP3 does. 

WHO SAYS NO?????  Thomas averaged 16 FGA per game for his career.  Paul, playing in a higher-scoring era on a very fast team, is averaging 14 this year and for his career.

If CP3 is more dictatorial, then Isiah was more democratic. 

You didn't use either of those words correctly.

He allowed Dumars and Vinnie to freelance in big spots and never needed the ball late like CP3 often does. 

I very much doubt that he "never" needed the ball late.

You would have loved playing with Isiah. You wouldn’t have loved playing with Oscar. And CP3 is floating somewhere in between those two extremes. It’s crazy that he hasn’t played in a conference finals game yet … but it’s also not that crazy.

Excellent writing.  Top notch.  When is this guy going to give up on the whole TV/podcast thing and just start cranking out some novels?

6. Kevin Durant

I’ll be honest, the broken foot debacle freaks me out.

Crank up the BILL IS WORRIED, GUYS tornado siren.

A quick recap: KD suffers a Jones fracture in mid-October … everyone spends the next few days writing that it’s a secretly dangerous foot injury and that you CANNOT rush back from it … Durant promises not to rush back, then comes back in six and a half weeks … 

Great job providing context to readers as to what would constitute rushing back.  Hey look, a Google result that says that for certain types of Jones fractures (of course Bill doesn't tell us which one Durant had, why would he) six to eight weeks is normal recovery time.

he doesn’t look quite right heading into the All-Star break and plays only 10 minutes in the All-Star Game (uh-oh) … 

THAT'S your barometer for "something might be wrong?"  Fuck the All-Star Game.  Fuck all all star games in all sports.

right after the All-Star break (February 23), OKC shelves him with a “minor procedure to help him reduce pain and discomfort in his surgically repaired right foot” because of a faulty screw, saying he’ll be reevaluated in a week … and three weeks later, the team announces that he’ll return within “a week or two weeks.” (Sorry, I can’t fight off these 2009 KG flashbacks.) 

IT AWWWWL COMES BACK TO THE C'S.  IT AWLWAYS DOES!!!!!  Too bad those 2009 Celtics couldn't even deal with a Magic team that was Dwight Howard and a bunch of mid-rotation guys, let alone the Cavs or any team that could have come out of the West that year.

If KD weren’t an incumbent MVP coming off of one of the best offensive seasons in 40 years, I would have panic-dropped him to sixth. 

Well, I'm certainly glad you didn't resort to such--

Oh wait, I just did.

OH SNAP, AMERICA!  Truth bombs, falling all over your head!  Protect your neck!

Confession time: 

Please no.  You self-important twat.

The thought of a “recovered” KD getting thrown into this late-season playoff push scares the bejesus out of me. 

Well, fortunately that's no longer an issue.

They’re supposed to protect his minutes and his twice-repaired foot when the alternative is “If we miss the playoffs, we’ll take one more giant leap toward becoming one of the most snakebitten almost-dynasties in NBA history”? 

They're no snakebitten.  They're just dumb.  Here's your annual "Bill was right" admission from Larry B: the Harden trade is such a gigantic disaster I don't even know what to compare it to.  It's like all the classics--Jeff Bagwell for Larry Andersen, an entire draft for Ricky Williams, Wayne Gretzky for not Wayne Gretzky, etc.  But it's worse.  Man, Harden is good.

They’re going to protect his minutes with Serge Ibaka out indefinitely? They’re going to protect his minutes in an up-and-down, testosterone-fueled, run-and-gun Round 1 bloodbath against the Warriors?

They'll be golfing in about a week.  Rest easy, Bill.  KD will have all summer to recuperate.

The storied history of the National Basketball Association 

THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION OF BASKETBALL TEAMS ON BASKETBALL COURTS

has taught us a variety of valuable life lessons, ranging from “If you make $100 million, that doesn’t mean you can actually spend $100 million” to “Always use the condoms that YOU brought” to “Don’t ever ask your casino host for a second marker”

Some good mealy-mouthed New England racism in all of those.

to “Don’t ever marry anyone with the last name Kardashian.” 

Are you kidding?  Humphries and Odom are doing just fine.

But this lesson ranks way up there: “If you break anything in your foot, don’t come back until you’re 100 percent healthy, and then wait ANOTHER two to three weeks just to be safe.” Can’t mess around with feet. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Not in basketball. 

Not in any fucking sport, you moron.  Human feet (and knees) are not at all designed for what athletes do to them.  We all know this.

I’m worried.

I don't care.

More later.

Bill Simmons started watching the 2013 Red Sox in August, and hey, what do you know, a championship! Time to write about them like he had been paying attention all season (Part 2)

Bill was in the middle of telling us how 79-year-old Bill Russell tires easily.  But don't worry, Red Sox fans, you'll be hearing about your team soon enough.  Just need to account for the fact that Bill doesn't know jack fucking dick about baseball and is a huge fairweather Red Sox fan.  Once he gets done telling his story about an athlete from the sport he actually follows, he'll get around to you.

We walked into his library, which was practically sinking under all the books and pictures.

We walked into his kitchen, which was practically sinking under all the pans and dishes.  We walked into his bedroom, which was practically sinking due to the really big bed.  We walked into his basement, and over there, in the left corner, you could see the way the room was sinking into the foundation of the house.  

Fucking terrible writing.

To describe Russell as "well read" would be an understatement. 

There's the mealy-mouthed racism we were waiting for!  I know I was on pins and needles.  He reads books!  Doesn't that surprise you?  And he's SO well spoken.  He's not one of them.

During a bathroom break earlier, I had sneaked in there to peruse his books — if only because you can learn a lot from someone just by their books — 

1) We all know the only reason Simmons was looking was because he desperately hoped that Russell owned a copy of The Book of Basketball

2) Insert joke about what books are in Simmons's house here (I was going to go with Dr. Seuss, but I'm sure you can do better)

and noticed my own basketball tome, which Russell had allegedly read and enjoyed. 

EUREKA

The condition of the book made it seem like someone had read it, so maybe he did. 

Maybe he lent it to Larry Bird, and Bird read it!  Did you know Bird respected Russell and once told a crowd that Russell was good at basketball?  Just another classic Larry Legend moment.

Without him knowing, I signed one of the pages inside and carefully placed it back in the same spot. Now I was pretending that I had never seen his library before.

What an asshole.

"Here, look at this," Bill Russell said.

I hope Russell did the "You've got something on your shirt VWOOP gotcha!" move.

He handed me a framed photo of himself and Obama — taken two years earlier in 2010, when Obama had invited Russell to the White House, given him the Presidential Medal of Freedom and urged the city of Boston to build a statue for him. 

I can't think of a better example of a plea destined to fall upon deaf ears.

"Isn't that something?" he asked me, beaming proudly, looking like me after my daughter 

HEY I HAVE KIDS AND THEY ARE SUPER ZANY

crushes one of her soccer games. Only Obama gets Bill Russell to geek out. 

Terrible writing.

He loved everything about that day. Once upon a time, Russell had given speeches telling his fellow African Americans to keep their eyes on the prize, to never let anyone define them, or keep them down, or tell them they couldn't do something. He wanted them to believe that they didn't have a ceiling, that 40 or 50 years later, one of them could even be president. He made that point in more than one speech. 

Specific examples?  Research?  Context?  Not here, reader.  You're in Grantland now.

Now it was 2012 … and Bill Russell was holding a photo of him and President Barack Obama. Isn't that something? Yes. That's something.

Terrible writing.

We spent the next hour sitting at his kitchen table, with Russell telling us story after story. He kept bringing up his late wife, his third one, who had passed away a few years earlier. It became more and more obvious that he hadn't recovered yet. 

From all of that brutal standing he had to do earlier.

I found myself worrying about him. He's not alone all the time, right? People come to visit him, right? Russell talked about his various road trips, 

Terrible writing.

how sometimes he just packs a bag, climbs into his car and goes. He drives to Los Angeles, Chicago, wherever. He loves driving. Sometimes he'll bring a friend to keep him company.

This is somehow even less interesting than the part of the article I covered in my last post.

Eventually, we started talking about Boston again. I had a good handle on Russell at this point. You get one chance with him and that's that. It's a theme that kept coming up all day. Boston had already used up that one chance, as well as about seven other ones. 

Terrible writing.

How much bitterness did Russell have toward Boston? When the Celtics retired his number in 1972, he skipped the ceremony. No-showed it. Who does that? He made the same point over and over again: His loyalties lay with his Celtics teammates, and Red Auerbach, and Walter Brown. Not the fans, and definitely not the city. He didn't care if he ever went back. Or so he claimed.

Remember that part about him not showing up for his own number retirement ceremony?  Seems pretty legit.  HAHA BUT JOKE'S ON YOU, BILL RUSSELL, YOU WERE LURED BACK AFTER THE PRESIDENT TOLD THE CITY TO MAKE AMENDS AND THEN THEY BUILT YOU A STATUE.  YOUR CONVICTIONS AREN'T SO STRONG AFTER ALL!  This just goes to prove that racism doesn't exist in Boston.

I didn't totally believe him. Deep down, he cares. I think he does, anyway.

Terrible writing.

But that statue was going up whether Bill Russell showed up or not. The city needed it as much as he did. 

I'm pretty sure the city needed it way more than he did, given the way it treated him.

The mayor kept pressuring him, cajoling him, practically begging him to return. Same for Steve Pagliuca, one of the current owners of the Celtics (and one of the people responsible for making the statue happen). Same for Russell's daughter, Karen, and everyone else who Russell trusts in his life. Eventually, the great Bill Russell caved. He agreed to come back to Boston.

The ceremony will happen two days after the Red Sox won another World Series. Russell returns to a different city in every respect. 

Terrible writing.  Every respect?  Every last one?

The Big Dig finished nearly a decade ago, opening up downtown and even extinguishing some of the suffocating traffic.

Traffic Bill probably didn't have to deal with that much, considering he left in 1969.

It's a much happier city now, with a recent run of championships killing off the "woe is us" mentality that had become an identity of sorts (both locally and nationally). 

You know when else they had a run of championships?  In the 1960s, when Russell was there.  I'm not sure he would really have been aware of the insufferable woe is us vibe that permeated the place during the 80s and 90s.

Boston fans don't expect the worst anymore. 

OW-UH FANS AHHHH MO-AH PESSIMISTIC THAN YO-AH FANS!  THEY HAVE INTUITIONS THAT OTHAHS DO NOT!

During the late innings of Game 2 of the ALCS against Detroit, when it looked like the Red Sox offense had a giant salad fork sticking out of it, I found it fascinating that everyone at Fenway kept waiting for the boys to improbably rally even before that improbable rally happened.

Can you believe the stadium didn't just empty out because it was 5-1 in the 7th inning of a playoff game?  Those fans who stuck around in their $400 seats are literally amazing heroes.  And they didn't just stick around--they stuck around AND hoped their team would win, and then the team did exactly that.  It's the most astonishing human accomplishment I have ever heard of, other than the moon landing (if we assume the moon landing actually happened).

Holy dog balls, the self-importance of the fans of this city can barely be described.

It was that kind of season. A different dude with a different beard seemed to come through every time we needed it. Coming off an unhappy 2011 ending (that's an understatement) 

IT'S
NAWT
FAY-UHHHHHHH

That's one of my favorite nights of sports ever, and my favorite team was most certainly not involved in any of the action or fun.

and a catastrophic 2012 season, 

I know I made this joke last time but CHICKEN AND BEER.  NEVER FORGET.  WORSE THAN THE CHALLENGER DISASTER.

the owners and GM Ben Cherington smartly shifted gears and emphasized chemistry over everything else. 

Ah, chemistry.  The favorite worthless narrative of shithead sportswriters everywhere.  If the Red Sox had the exact same group of players who all had the exact same amount of fun, but lost to Tampa in the ALDS, then the problem would have been NOT ENOUGH TEAM CHEMISTRY.  Meanwhile I'm sure their title had nothing to do with their awesome pitching staff and surprisingly potent lineup.  Nah, it was just that the players really liked high fiving each other.

They gravitated toward likable guys who could handle playing in Boston, even severely overpaying one of the league's best teammates (Shane Victorino) 

No one has ever said that about Victorino prior to this October.  Suddenly he has a good playoffs for a championship team and he's Mr. Chemistry.  Sportswriters are the dumbest fucking people on the planet.

because he made more sense for this plan than just about anyone else. Victorino's at-bat music ended up being the rallying cry for 2013: Every time he came up at Fenway, you could hear the first notes of a Bob Marley song, followed by Marley singing, "Don't worry … about a thing," and then 35,000 fans screaming, "CUZ EVERY LITTLE THING … IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!"

Percentage this had to do with Boston's title: fucking Z fucking E fucking R fucking fuckity fuck fuck O.

That's all you needed to know about the 2013 Red Sox. 

What he means here, and in everything that follows, is "This is pretty much all I know about the 2013 Red Sox, because I didn't pay attention to them until August.  Hey did you know Bill Russell likes Eggo waffles?  His freezer is full of them."

For the first four months, nobody expected them to win the World Series — 

You're right, they were only in first place on May 1, June 1, and July 1 (best record in the AL at that time), but I agree--the 2013 Red Sox were truly the little engine that could.  With their scant $158MM payroll (4th highest in baseball) and loads of on-field success throughout the season, who could have seen a deep playoff run coming?

we were just happy to have a likable Red Sox team again. 

THE 2012 RED SOX WERE NAWT FUN!  BY WHICH I MEAN THEY DID NAWT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS!

Go eat a fucking knife, Bill.  You're the worst.

Narratives: for people who hate thinking

No TMQR right now although I may post something on Friday.  In the meantime, I want to point out that like most Boston sports fans, Jackie MacMullen HATES thinking.

It was the ideal confluence of personalities, 

Because they won the division.

and not just because they succeeded, in concert, at sprouting mounds of facial hair.

Right--it was an ideal confluence of personalities because they won the divisiion.  Had the 2013 Red Sox had a good-not-great season, maybe gone 85-77, you would not in a million years have identified them as an ideal anything.

Long before that, there was an underlying vibe percolating among ownership, the front office, the manager and the players.

That's right--the 2012 Red Sox had a shitty season.  But it couldn't have been because of the fact that they had shitty players like Mike Aviles, Aaron Cook, Alfredo Aceves and Daisuke Matsuzaka playing major roles.  It couldn't have been that Jacoby Ellsbury and Carl Crawford were too hurt to contribute.  It couldn't have been that Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Daniel Nava hadn't figured out how to hit like they would end up hitting in 2013, or that Clay Buchholz and Jon Lester had down years because sometimes pitchers have down years.  No, none of those things.  It was the VIBE.  It was that the team didn't really believe in itself.  It was Bobby Valentine's fault.  Whatever it was, it sure wasn't just that the team had shittier players, worse luck and more injuries than the 2013 team.  If you're going to be a buttass sportswriter like Jackie MacMullen, you've got to credit a team's success/failure to magic/lack of magic, knowing how to win/not knowing how to win, and having fun/not having fun.  That's what the populace likes to read about, after all.

They had been champions, most of them, 

Other than Cody Ross, no one important had been a champion for at least five seasons.  Some of them had been on the 2007 World Series team.  Like, 10 of them.  The rest of them had never been champions.

idolized and adored by a faithful brethren. 

That's horrible writing.

But when it started breaking bad, 

OOOOOOOOOOO! TOPICAL!

the fallout was swift, vicious, unforgiving. 

FACK THE SAWX!  I NEVAH LIKED THEM ANYWAYS!  HOW LONG UNTIL BROONS SEASON?

Disappointment evolved into outrage, which led to the unkindest cut of all -- indifference.

Also known as "fairweatherism."

And so the Red Sox were left with an ownership that was viewed as disingenuous, 

Because it is, but to be fair, every ownership group in pro sports is disingenuous.

a roster that was dismissed as entitled, 

It wasn't, it was just bad, but again, narratives are more fun that facts.

a general manager who was perceived as undermined and a manager who limped back to Boston nursing the wounds of a two-year stint in Toronto that was both underwhelming and disconcerting.

I haven't even read this article yet (starting doing this breakdown without reading because I knew from the headline that it was going to be horrendous), but I'm guess John Farrell gets about 75% of the credit for the fact that the 2013 Red Sox won 28 more games than the 2012 Red Sox.

Together they shared a glittery portfolio, 

What?  Do you know what metaphors are?  Have you ever used them before?

yet they also shared the burden that comes with squandering sustained excellence: something to prove.

This is worse than Mariotti's writing.

That sentiment was also a common thread among the new faces. There was Gold Glove winner Shane Victorino, spurned by his beloved Phillies and swapped to the dysfunctional Dodgers, where Victorino floundered. 

But wait--the 2013 Dodgers had a huge turnaround of their own, after letting Victorino go in the offseason!  How do you explain it--if he was a key missing piece for the 2013 Red Sox, shouldn't the 2013 Dodgers have missed him?  THE NARRATIVE IS FALLING APART ABANDON SHIP

Mike Napoli came as a free agent from Texas, where he batted a paltry .227 the season before. A hip issue nullified his 3-year, $39 million deal, leaving him with a one-year $5 million contract and a resolve to show the Sox he was worth every penny of the original contract.

Yes, he batted a paltry .227 the year before, because his hip was fucked up.  Now it's healthy (although he still only batted a shitty .259, which doesn't matter because batting average is stupid, etc., etc.).

Stephen Drew came in the wake of a lackluster season split between Arizona and Oakland, where he batted .223 with 7 homers and 28 RBIs.

He only had to outperform Mike Aviles.  That's not exactly a high-pressure situation.

GM Ben Cherington said adding personnel that had redemption in mind was not by design; 

Jesus, I hope not.  No GM should be adding personnel with more than a passing thought to whether the players "have redemption in mind."

he was focused on specific skill attributes and players who looked at Boston and "saw it as an opportunity and not a burden.''

I think Cherrington is probably pretty smart, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that last part is just a little scrap he threw MacMullen for the sake of her article.  I think roughly 99% of his focus was probably on adding players who are better at baseball than the 2012 players they replaced.

Jonny Gomes was one such player. 

Jonny Gomes is awesome at hitting left handed pitching.  This season, he started in LF against LHPs and played well.  In 2012, the Red Sox LFs were Daniel Nava (nominally a switch hitter but terrible against LHPs throughout his career so far), Scott Podsednik (lefty), Carl Crawford (lefty) and Darnell McDonald (terrible at hitting baseballs under any circumstances).  Gomes made the team better, not because of his vibe, or his will to win, but because of a skill he has.  See how that works?

He said a primary reason he inked with the Sox was the number of accomplished veterans on the roster who were under fire and motivated to re-establish themselves (you can safely assume the 2-year, $10 million contract had something to do with Gomes' decision as well).

Analysis that means nothing, considering pretty much every team in the league has accomplished veterans coming off of a bad year every season (followed by parenthetical with factual information that actually explains why Gomes came to Boston).

"I told my agent, 'Call the Sox. We need to go there,' '' said Gomes. "Because I knew those guys were going to have a huge chip on their shoulder. I knew the way they were going to approach the season, and I wanted to be part of it.''

See, it's not totally fair for me to rake writers like MacMullen over the coals for their shitty writing--the sound bites given by players reinforce this narrative-driven bullshit.  Then again, maybe the players spout narrative-driven bullshit because the writers write about it, so it is the writers' fault after all.  Regardless, I know this much is true: there are very few people in America who can do what Jonny Gomes does better than he can.  There are a whole shitload of people in America who can do what Jackie MacMullen does better than she can.  So I'm going to go ahead and go after the person here who can (and should) be replaced by someone who doesn't peddle this nonsense.

Nobody fit that profile more snugly than Jon Lester, who had morphed from one of the most feared left-handed pitchers in the game to a symbol of everything that was wrong with the Boston Red Sox. Lester was pegged as a card-carrying member of the chicken-and-beer fraternity 

Holy fucking fuckballs.  One of these years, THE JILTED VICTIMS of CHICKEN AND BEER NATION will get over that little gem of a non-story.  We can only hope it's this year.  NEVER FORGET, SOX FANS.  NEVER FORGET.

/Sarah McLachlan plays over slow motion video of Bobby Valentine walking to the mound and taking the ball from Josh Beckett

that contributed to the stunning collapse in 2011. His struggles on the mound continued in 2012, and his career appeared to be at a crossroads.

It appeared to be?  We aren't even sure if we want to use that figure of speech?  Come on Jackie, show some spunk.  Get out there and COMMIT to the idea that Lester's career was at a crossroads.  Also, not to be too factual about any of this, but he did post career highs in BABIP and HR/FB in 2012.  Now I'm not saying that those struggles were entirely due to luck, or that they had nothing to do with whether he liked drinking beer on nights when he wasn't starting during 2011.  I'm just saying they were probably MOSTLY due to luck, and also, that they had not a fucking thing to do with whether he liked drinking beer on nights when he wasn't starting during 2011.

Catcher David Ross came to Fenway last summer with the Atlanta Braves. Lester threw against them on June 22, giving up 10 hits and three runs in seven innings of a 4-1 Sox loss.

"It didn't make sense to me," Ross said. "He was throwing hard, he wasn't injured ... I figured, 'He needs someone to point him in the right direction.' "

Lester went winless in his last five starts and finished with a 9-14 record and a 4.94 ERA.

Another case of players pushing the narratives that writers then push.  Pretty embarrassing for all, really.  Also, how the fuck would a player on another team know whether Lester was injured or not?  Maybe he was.  That's at least one plausible reason why he was so horrible.  His career ERA through 2011 was 3.53.  He was a run and a half worse in 2012, but David Ross said that after seeing Lester once, in a game Ross did not even record a plate appearance, he knew that everything was fine with Lester mechanically.  That's great stuff.  Why is this even in this article?  Is David Ross the only Red Sox player who MacMullen could get ahold of to comment on this story?

When the Red Sox began courting Ross, he inquired about Lester and his ineffectiveness, about Lackey and his surgically repaired arm, about Clay Buchholz and his durability. Farrell said all three needed some mechanical adjustment as well as a reboot mentally.

David Ross, June 2012: "Jon Lester has no mechanical problems."
John Farrell, to David Ross, 2012-2013 offseason: "Jon Lester needs some mechanical adjustments."
David Ross, to Jackie MacMullen, September 2013: "The problem with Lester was that he needed someone to point him in the right direction."

Maybe by "point him in the right direction," Ross meant literally, as in make an adjustment to point his body in the right direction while he pitches.  Pro athletes are fucking idiots.

"The first time I caught Lester's bullpen, I told him, 'Hey man, when your ball is up, it's flat. When it's down in the zone, it jumps out of your hand,' " said Ross.

Lester listened closely. Ross found him to be earnest, disciplined and humble.

Why, what a coincidence!  That's EXACTLY how stuffy old white dudes who read the work of writers like Jackie MacMullen like their athletes to be!

"I caught him in spring training and he threw five innings of no-hit ball," Ross said. "I went back and told my buddies, 'We've got nothing to worry about.' ''

"After he dominated the Mets' AAA lineup, I knew it was going to be an awesome season."

Indeed, what was overlooked amid the bitterness toward the downtrodden 2012 Sox was the one undeniable mantra in baseball: Pitching cures all.

Easy now.  We're starting to drift into the world of real, actual analysis.  Let's get back to the narrative soon please.

Lackey, who was recovering from Tommy John surgery, rededicated himself to his craft and reported to camp with a svelte physique

BEST SHAPE OF HIS LIFE!

and a steady diet of rejuvenated fastballs and sliders.

Lackey insists he did "nothing different, nothing special" in preparation for 2013.

"Everything is a little overblown here,'' Lackey said. "We've got guys who have done it for a long time with a pretty good track record.

Wow, that's pretty levelheaded analysis from a guy who looks like a caveman.  Putting aside inappropriate remarks about Lackey's physical appearance, I'm glad SOMEone quoted in this article is here to tell us "Yeah, it's not that big of a deal, we kind of had a down year in 2012, but we knew we'd play better in 2013."

"People were giving Lester hell, and he had the best winning percentage in the history of baseball. That's kind of ridiculous.''

OH NOEZ PITCHING WINZ IS BAD STATISTIC.  But he's got a point anyways.

Yet Cherington, born and raised in New England, 

That's like catnip to Red Sox fans.  HE'S ONE OF US!  HE KNOWS US!  JUST LIKE I'M A LIFELONG SAWX FAN FROM MINNESOTA BY WAY OF TEXAS, CHAHHHRINGTAWN IS 100% BOSTON!

understood exactly where the criticism stemmed from.

The fact that Lester pitched like ass in 2012?

"When a pitching staff performs the way ours did last year and the end of the previous season, 

NEVER FORGET

I think it's more than fair to critique and to have a skeptical eye,'' Cherington said. "We knew we needed to be better. We knew we had the pieces, but there were certain technical things that needed to be rectified, as well as other issues.

Things Cherington didn't name: a need for more players with something to prove.

"What John and his staff have done so well is … [they have] allowed everyone's energy to be focused on the field. It sounds easy in December, but it's harder to implement during a long season," Cherington said.

"It's had a great impact on the team, to have all our mental energy focused in a productive way.''

Again, hoping this was just Cherington throwing MacMullen a bone.  Although now I'm not so sure.

Ross picked up on the "redeem team" vibe from the moment he stepped into the clubhouse.

Whew!  Enough actual analysis; let's get back to the VIBE.

"There was a whole lot of motivation in this room,'' Ross concurred. "Lester had something to prove. Lackey did too -- big time. Buchholz, even Pedey... 

I assume that's Pedroia but it's kind of hard to tell.  Also, when written that way (and when said out loud, given the most likely pronounciation), it makes their second baseman sound like a sex criminal.

when I got here, Dustin told me, 'I've never been on a losing team in my whole life.' He took it personally. He was going to do something about it.''

2012 Pedroia: 114 OPS+, 4.9 WAR
2013 Pedroia: 116 OPS+, 6.5 WAR

Sounds like he did something about it to the tune of helping the 2012 team win 71 games rather than 69, had he performed then like he did in 2013.

Pedroia bombarded Farrell daily with texts, emails and phone calls. He made suggestions on everything from personnel to locker placements.

The personnel suggestions, cool, that's what a team leader should do.  He shouldn't be overruling the manager or anything, but I can see the value in him making pinch hitting suggestions and the like.  Locker placements?  This is more worthless bullshit that only idiot readers will latch onto.  IT WAS THE LOCKAHS!  THAT WAS THE PROBLEM IN 2012!  GOOD THING PEDEY FIXED THAT!

Look, you get the gist of this, and it's not like it's going in a different direction before it wraps up.  I'm not going to write about the rest of it, but here's some of the non-analysis, idiot fan catnip, and narrative-based bullshit that I skipped over:

"All I know,'' said Pedroia shortly after his new manager was hired, "is when John Farrell walks into our clubhouse, everyone listens.''

This means literally nothing.

Gomes is a huge Farrell backer but concedes, "John is a great guy, but I don't want to talk about pitching all day. He does.''

Idiot fan catnip.  What fan wants to read that their team's coach/manager likes relaxing and spending time with his family, even if that's true for most of coaches/managers?

"When I'm talking to my manager, I feel like I am talking to my brother,'' Ortiz said.  "I don't want to talk about last year. That is in the past. I want to talk about here -- now.

Big Papi with an all time classic worthless cliche.

The "Farrell Factor,'' as Larry Lucchino coined it, has positioned the Red Sox as one of the favorites to win the World Series. 

Managers don't do that much.

When the Red Sox dealt malcontents Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford and Josh Beckett last summer,

I included this just because it's an unnecessary pot shot on Gonzalez and Crawford.  I don't think anyone has ever called either of them a malcontent.  I know some fans in New England have called Crawford other words that are not nice to call someone, but I really think it's irresponsible to lump those two guys in with known asshole Beckett.

"Think about Toronto this year. Everyone was wrong. You truly can't predict results solely on talent -- not in this game.

That's Jonny Gomes again, letting you know that THE GAMES ARE PLAYED ON THE FIELD, NOT IN THE PRESS ROOM WHERE BIG FREE AGENT SIGNINGS ARE ANNOUNCED.

"But there's something to be said for 25 guys with one goal -- that's winning. 

Gomes with another great cliche combined with some worthless non-analysis.

They have survived the loss of not one, not two, but three relievers. 

Oh dear me!  However did they endure a whole season with THREE injuries to the most easily replaced of players?  I'm surprised they even played all 162 games, let alone won the division.  They should get a parade no matter what happens in the postseason.

They have forged on even though their sellout streak came to a halt and paying customers still aren't quite "all-in." 

Well duh they're not all in, it's been 6 years since the Red Sox won a World Series.  What, you want them to be passionate about a team of LOOZAHS?

They grow beards and wear matching stars-and-stripes boxers and enjoy baseball so much, they've been compared to the 2004 "Idiots" of World Series fame, which is the ultimate Boston compliment.

I hope no Boston team ever wins another game, ever again, ever.

Keep in Mind:

If you think about the 2008 Giants/Patriots Super Bowl, 2008 ALCS, the Patriots missing the 2008 playoffs with an 11-5 record, the Celtics' game 7 home loss in the 2009 conference semifinals, the 2009 Red Sox/Angels ALDS, the Patriots' embarrassing home defeat in the first round of the 2009 playoffs, the Bruins blowing a 3-0 series lead and a 3-0 lead in game 7 of this year's conference semis, and finally, tonight's game 7 NBA finals loss...

IS THERE ANY DOUBT THAT BOSTON IS THE MOST TAR-CHURRED SPARTS CITY EVAHHHH??????

Please please please please, Dan Shaugnessy or Bill Simmons. Fire up the self-pity machine and write that story. You know you want to. You know you need to tell everyone out there that IT'S NAWT FAY-UH and that NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFAH LIKE WE DO. I'm itching to read it. Even my wildest and craziest fantasies about what that article might sound like wouldn't be as awesome as the article itself.

Oh, and fuck the Lakers and their bandwagon fakeass moron fans as well.

The Official Spring 2009 Bill Simmons/Boston Schadenfreude Post

Live (actually last Thursday) from Bill's garage: It's a night of pain, suffering, and horrendous analysis that we can all look back upon fondly next time Bill writes a 7,000 word column about the Celtics/Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins(?) and their legendary fans. You know, the Beantown faithful who are capable of carrying their teams to victory under any circumstances. Well except game 7s at home- they're pretty much useless in those. The "marathon chat" from which I pulled all of these was, as advertised, pretty fucking long. So I really had to work to narrow things down and pick out the really truly inane things Bill said for the purposes of this post. Sit back and enjoy, everyone.

Keep in mind, when Bill was saying all this stuff the Celtics were busy choking down the stretch in game 6, not game 7. Their game 7 loss was nearly 72 hours away from happening. Oh, and fucktarded opinions frequently espoused by Bill/his chatters regarding Boston, its teams, and its players will be in ALL CAPS. A thick Boston accent will be (poorly) phonetically spelled out, in the spirit of Kissing Suzy Kolber's TAWMY FROM QUINZEE.

Bill Simmons: Dwight Howard... the worst great player ever? Discuss.

What does that even mean, you ask? Well, Howard pretty much made Boston's (admittedly depleted) frontcourt his collective bitch for the duration of the series. As a Celtics fan, Bill's response to this is to attack Howard and claim that he's nothing special. Cool. It's pretty a pretty standard defense mechanism used by 15 year old girls against each other. In games 6 and 7, Howard averaged 17.5, 19, and 4 blocks. For the playoffs he's averaging 19.6, 16.6, and 2.8. If that makes you the "worst great player ever," I think Orlando fans will live with it.

Ben (Denver, CO): Hey Bill, whose job is it on the Celtics bench to alert Kevin Garnett when the camera is on him so that he knows when to look intense?

Bill Simmons: Are you kidding? It's amazing KG hasn't charged the court yet! They have to hose him down after games.

OW-UHHHHH INJAHED PLAYAHS AHHHHHH MORE INTENSE THAN YOUR-UHHHH INJAHED PLAYAHS!

Bill Simmons: Rondo should have made 3rd team All NBA... how did Shaq get on it? Put up an 18-8, team missed the playoffs, they couldn't give him away at the deadline, he got a coach fired. That's 3rd team All-NBA? And why were Gasol and Duncan considered forwards?

WE GOT RAHHHHHBBED! THE LEAGUE IS AGAINST US, THEY DON'T WANT TO RECOGNIZE THE POWAHHH AND HISTORY THAT IS CELTICS NATION! No, but really, the reason is because there were six guards better than him in the league this year. The two guards on the third team were Tony Parker and Chauncey Billups. Parker at 22/7/3/1 steal and Billups at 18/6.5/3/1 both probably had better seasons than Rondo with his 12/8/5/2. Any arguments about Shaq are moot. Each All NBA team is made up of one center, two fowards, and two guards. We can't just change the rules because the 7th best guard in the league one season played for the Celtics.

Matt (Colorado): Dwight Howard is becoming the most overrated player in the league, and everyone is starting to realize it. What can he do on offense beside dunk? Then he calls out his coach, when it's the team's fault for the choke job, he has a lot of work to do to become a premier center in this league in my mind.

Bill Simmons: My issue is that he's not getting better, and also, he gets worse at the end of games. He's like Ben Wallace with a jump hook.

No one will confuse Howard's offensive skillset with a young Tim Duncan's. He can certainly do more than just dunk though. The coach call-out seemed to work pretty well though. As for him "not getting better-" it can be difficult to get better when you're already averaging 21/14/3. But his points, rebounds, assists, steals and blocks per 36 minutes all improved from 2007-08 to 2008-09. So yeah. Maybe he needs a few more low post moves, but he's only 23. He still has time. Also, the assertion of Matt (who is probably a Boston bandwagon douchenozzle who has never been within three states of Massachusetts) that Howard "has a lot of work to do to bececome an elite center in this league" is probably stupider than the stupidest thing Simmons has never said. Go play on some train tracks, Matt.


Bill Simmons: By the way, I boned up for this chat by doing some real-time writing on Twitter this week. Here's the link: https://twitter.com/sportsguy33. Don't think I won't rehash a couple of those jokes tonight. Do NOT put it past me.

Bill Simmons: My flip-flop on Twitter tranks among my greatest flip-flops ever - you'd have to go back to me liking the Joe Forte pick in 2001 and then turning on it for a comparable 180.

We've got an even better flip-flop coming up later in this very chat. I'm getting all tingly just waiting to write about it. Oh, speak of the devil-

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

Excuse me. Can you go over that one more time?

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

One... one more time, please.

Jamesa(ottawa): Do we consider you a bandwagoning Bruins fan?

Bill Simmons: How dare you. I loved the B's as much as the Celts and Sox and Pats once upon a time. The owner pushed me away. Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore. I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years. It still hurts and I still hate him.

Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow wow. Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. Wow wow. Let's look at the pieces here.

The owner pushed me away.

(Said in a Dateline NBC's Chris Hansen-like tone): So the owner... pushed you away... did he? Interesting. Are you saying it has nothing to do with the fact that the Bruins missed the playoffs in 2005-06 and 2006-07?

Now we have a salary cap and he can't screw us anymore.

That's interesting, because that very same salary cap existed as of 2005. You'd think that would have drawn you back in then, no? As we'll see below, that process didn't begin until more than two and half years later. I mean, if you were a real fan who really cared about the team but only stopped because the owner nickeled and dimed you one too many times, you would have immediately started caring again once the salary cap kicked in and fixed that problem. Right? I mean, if you didn't want to sound like a fucking fairweather shithead hypocrite fucknugget, that's what you would probably do. In my opinion.

I have been quietly easing back the past 2 years.

On April 21, 2008, about thirteen months ago, you said this:

"I am an NHL widower. I have made that clear many times. I cared about the Bruins for years and years, and up until last week, I had stopped caring about them completely."

Very interesting. You wrote that article in the middle of the first Bruins playoff series in four years. And we're supposed to believe that your revived fandom has nothing to do with winning, and everything to do with the owner. The pattern is pretty telling: 2005-06, no playoffs, no interest from Bill. 2006-07, no playoffs, no interest from Bill. 2007-08 regular season, Bruins teeter on the brink of a playoff berth and only clinch one at the last second, no interest from Bill. April 2008, Bruins are back in the playoffs... interest from Bill. It's a pretty nifty fucking coincidence if you ask me. (For a more complete breakdown of Bill's blatant fairweather fandom, read Jack M's take on it here.) Oh, and via that post, from Bill's own rules of being a fan:

"...you can't start rooting for a team, back off when they're in a down cycle, then renew the relationship once the team starts winning again. All those Cowboys fans who jumped off the bandwagon in the late-'80s, jumped back on during the Emmitt/Aikman Era, then jumped back off in the late-'90s ... you know who you are. You shouldn't even be allowed out in public."

But apparently if you lie and just say you actually stopped rooting for them because the owner hurt your feelings, it's OK. Awesome. Bill Simmons, you are a fucking hypocrite. You're an insult to other, less transparent hypocrites. You fucking make me sick. The fact that you are ESPN.com's biggest draw is the saddest media-related story of the past ten years. Sadder than the dozens of major newspaper closures from the past couple years. It's a fucking travesty, plain and simple. You. Are. An. Asshole. Of the greatest possible magnitude. DIE.

But paradoxically, I have to say that this is perhaps my favorite chat answer of all time. Just look at the indignancy- it drips off the page. HOW-UH DAHHHHHRE YOU. I'M A DIEHAHHHHD BRUINS FAN. I JUST STOPPED BEING ONE FOR A FEW YEA-AHHHS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Dan (Cambridge, MA): Ok, Bill, serious question here. I was at the Bruins game for Game 5, and it was awesome. Insanely loud. When the sucker punch happened, the place erupted. I'm sitting in the upper section along one of the blue lines, two rows from the top, and this guy in the row in front of me chucks his water bottle in disgust. The bottle landed in CENTER ICE. From three rows from the top of the upper deck. It started the mass garbage throwing from everyone else, which was also awesome, but my question is, is that even possible, or was it a glitch in the Matrix or something?

WE AHHHHH THE CLASSIEST FANS EVAHHHH. WHEN WE THROW SHIT ON THE FIELD AND STOP A GAME, IT'S DIFFAHRENT THAN WHEN OTHAHHH CITIES DO.

Bill Simmons: Scal for three!!!! I think the concussion headband gave him super powers.

SCAHHHHHL! MY FACKIN' FAVAHRITE PLAYAHHHH! (BECAUSE HE'S WHITE.)

Bill Simmons: Is it a bad sign that our 2009 Defensive Player of the Year can't keep Kendrick Perkins from getting an easy 5 foot jumphook?

No award winning defensive player has ever given up an easy basket before. Ever. Dwight Howard- really just a shorter version of Shawn Bradley.

Adam (New Rochelle, NY): Bill, have you ever seen a team chemistry that has soured so dramatically so fast as we've seen from the Magic in the last 2 games of their series with Boston?

Bill Simmons: It really started with the Anthony Johnson/Van Gundy incident in Game 3... even though they won that was pretty goofy even for the NBA.

It really worked out pretty well in the end, too.

Bill Simmons: Look at Van Gundy's outfit tonight! My god! I can't get enough of it. He looks like he's on the sixth day of a cheap cruise and tonight is "Expensive Dinner" night.

Bill Simmons: Shard just killed Scal: Tirico called it "no contest." I think SVG is Boston's MVP in this series. It should be over already.

Casey (Dallas, TX): The shortest coffee table book would be "Games SVG could keep a lead."

Bill Simmons: You guys are more on fire than House and Scal.

I love it. I love it I love it I love it.

Paul (Berlin, Germany): What happened to Ray Allen in this series?! It is sad to see him play with so tired legs, when he was the most important player in the bulls series... May be he could ask mikki moore, if he could borrow his legs, since he doesn`t need them any time soon...

Bill Simmons: The Celts need rest. They're at the 200-game mark since Nov. 2007 and this is their 39th playoff game in 2 springs. They've played every other day for like a month. They need 2-3 days off.

They had two days off before games 1, 3, and 4 of the Chicago series and game 7 of the Orlando series. They went 1-3 in those games. Also, except for maybe baseball pitchers, I'm not buying for a second that last season has a bearing on this season at all in terms of wear and tear. The Celtics had a long 2008 playoffs. They also had almost 5 months to recover from them. They're professional athletes who do nothing else with their lives- I'm pretty sure they entered 2008-09 just as rested as anyone else in the league, or if less rested, negligably so. They also clinched a playoff spot back in March and had plenty of time down the stretch to rest up their key guys from a playoff run.

Danish (Toronto ON): "They need 2-3 days off?" You mean like the Cavs have right now? Lebron is going to crush your squad.

Bill Simmons: Look... we know. We just want to get there. And then, hopefully, LeBron will sprain an ankle or blow out a hammy. By the way, the goal is to defend the title.

Lord knows Bill has only ripped into the 1986 Lakers about 25,000 times for "intentionally" losing in the Western Conference Finals because they wanted to avoid the juggernaut Celtics, and thus doing a horrible job of defending their 1985 title. I can't wait to hear him defend the 2009 Celtics. Sure, KG was hurt. They also didn't even make the conference finals, losing to a team with the "worst great player ever" at the helm and an allegedly pathetic coach. Funny, you'd think Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Co. would be able to get past a team as shitty as the Magic. I fucking despise the Lakers, but I almost hope they win it all now just to get Bill to either A) shut the fuck up about this topic or B) dig himself an even deeper hole while trying to defend his undefendable position.

Bill Simmons: Danny Crawford just swing this game with the pushoff foul on Perk's followup. Seven point swing. Now it's tied. By the way, name a big guy who doesn't push off with their left arm when they dunk. The list is zero.

THE REFS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AGAINST US! IT'S FACT! THE LEAGUE DOESN'T WANT US TO WIN!

Allen (Boston): With Baby on the bench, who's gonna shove that pudgy 12 year old over when we win?

Bill Simmons: Is the kid there? I forgot to look. I wish Big Baby had shoved him harder - little kids should not be sitting courtside at NBA games. That's bad parenting. period.

That kid was, as Allen says, like 12. Twelve year olds are more than capable of sitting courtside at a basketball game. (As opposed to, say, five year olds.) Bill is being an idiot again.

lancter (Boston): odds of KG coming back for the cavs-celts series?

Bill Simmons: Will Carroll said it on the BS Report today: Four to one.

For the Cavs-who series? Oops!

Bill Simmons: Canes scored. 1-1. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. My Lord, Shard can go by Baby every time. How dumb is SVG????

Just dumb enough to get out-dumbed by Doc Rivers, evidently.

Bill Simmons: Good point. I demand a Cristal Taylor reality show. Wow, nobody picks up dumber fouls than Dwight Howard.

He sucks! And you can watch him continue to suck tonight on ESPN in game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

Bill Simmons: Dick Bavetta just got the memo from DS: "I want you to foul out Perkins and do it right now."

I TOLD YOU! WE NEVAH GET ANY CALLS! WE AHHHH GETTING FUCKED, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!

Joe (Bristol): Um, you're not including Hanks' world class turn as Charlie Wilson? That was a HOF performance for so many reasons.

Bill Simmons: Great point. That was a potentially great movie that Julia Roberts murdered like SVG murdered Orlando's 2009 season.

Keep those Van Gundy jokes coming!

Bill Simmons: I gotta hand it to Howard tonight: He is playing like he gives a crap. 9 offensive boards so far. The question remains: Why didn't he do this every game? It's the playoffs!

No Celtic ever had a bad game this playoffs- they always played super awesome. Ray Allen's 5 point, 4 turnover effort in game 6? Hey man, I watched that game. He obviously was still playing like he gave a crap. What Howard was doing earlier in the series was totally different.

Bill Simmons: FYI: if the announcers are praising you for being "super aggressive" in a playoff game, odds are you were mailing it in.

Hopefully he doesn't mail in any games against the Cavs- the Magic are sure going to need him if they want to advance to the Finals.

Bill Simmons: My buddy Sully reports that that John Cena was sitting courtside wearing a Celts jersey and now he's wearing a Magic jersey - Orlando must have made him change it because they gave him the tix. Stay classy, Orlando.

No other organization has ever done this, ever. Only the Magic. Whenever I watch [Team X] games on TV, they constantly show celebrities in the crowd wearing other teams' apparell. (Notable unsarcastic exception- LeBron wearing a Yankees hat at an Indians/Yankees playoff game in 2007. Obviously the Indians didn't give him those tickets. Man, if you're from Cleveland, that's gotta hurt.)

Bill Simmons: SVG Wired: "LISTEN! LISTEN WE GOTTA MAKE PLAYS! LISTEN!!!!" He might never work again.

Well, he's probably working right now. Less than 24 hours to go until his team tips off against top seeded Cleveland in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Evilgrin72 (Orlando, FL): I'm going to beat the rush and start putting For Sale signs in SVG's yard right now. BRB.

LOL!

Bill Simmons: Game time. What a collapse. Thought we had it. The good news: Celts have 2 days off before Game 7. They need it.

I blame Dwight Howard for Boston's game 6 loss- he played so crappily that the Celtics let their guard down. And Stan Van Gundy's shitty coaching permeated the arena and caused the Celtics to play worse. Only possible explanation.

Nate (Des Moines, IA): Celtics are going to play their 5th game 7 in 13 months on Sunday, your theory that they're drained is warranted.

Worst measuring stick for how drained a team is. Ever. What? Five separate games in a year-plus? How have they not died of dehydration yet?

mike (brighton): All of SG nation wants to know if youre coming out for game 7? And you going to be celebrating with us at Sullys? (knock on wood)

Bill Simmons: Of course I'm coming back.

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Oh, I hope he got up and left before the final horn in an effort to beat traffic. That's the sign of a true fan, after all, which we can be sure he is after he demonstrated his undying devotion to the Bruins.

Nate (Des Moines, IA): Again, Manny Ramirez didn't have an RBI in the ENTIRE 2004 ALCS Series against the Yanks. All you New York fans who want to say the World Series MVP is tainted: we didn't need him to smoke you after being down 0-3!!!!!

YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! Ramirez also had a .400 OBP that series, which I'm sure did nothing to help Boston's chances. And don't worry about his 1.009 OPS, 43 HRs, and 130 RBIs during the 2004 regular season. Nope- just cherry pick one tiny little insignificant stat from a seven game span, and use it to prove that the YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Robert (Huntsville, Al): Do you feel any shame for saying you won't root for the B's until the owner is gone, and here you are rooting for them? I feel for you, I'm a Redskins fan. Every year I disown them because of Snyder but always end up rooting for them... Just wondering...

Bill Simmons: The salary cap has made him irrelevant though. There's no way for him to be a soul-less miser. I hope we win the Cup, and then, as he's hoisting it over his head, he knocks himself unconscious with it.

The salary cap made him irrelevant in 2005. But I guess Bill is such a diehard fan that he wanted to be really sure that the owner wouldn't find some clever way to circumvent it- that's why he didn't start cheering for them until April 2008.

Rug (Yellowknife, NT, Canada): Seriously, as a sports fan and sports writer, how could you possibly have given up on this sport??? Other than because of Bettman's obvious attempt to alienate the league from the entire American population.

Bill Simmons: BECAUSE MY OWNER WAS AN EFFING CHEAPSKATE!!!!!!!!!!!

AND BECAUSE THE BRUINS DIDN'T MAKE THE FACKIN' PLAYOFFS FOR A FEW YEARS! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, CHEE-AHHHH FOR A TEAM THAT DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE OF WINNING? THAT'S NAHHHHHT WHAT BEING A FAN IS ALL ABOUT! I SWEA-AHHHHH TO GAWD, IF THE PATRIOTS DON'T WIN IT ALL THIS YE-AHHHHHH, I AM FACKIN' DONE WITH THOSE LOSAHHHHHHS.

Danny (Boston): I'm on my 11th beer of the 3rd period...i can't take this anymore

WE DRINK HAHHHHHDAHHHHHH THAN YOU DO!

Tom (Vermont) : So at what point are you going to a Bruins game? Conference finals? Stanley Cup Finals? Jeremy Jacobs Memorial Night?

Bill Simmons: I was supposed to go to Game 5 of B's-Habs with my Dad. Was super pumped. Then they swept. Never thought i'd be slightly disappointed by the Bruins sweeping Montreal.

Never thought I'd find myself going to Bruins playoff game anytime soon- that's why I gave up on them in 2005!

Chris (Jersey): Just my luck...I effing hate the NBA and watch back to back games to be able to participate in this chat, and now its all geared towards the NHL playoffs which I cant watch...I give up Simmons.

Bill Simmons: You sounds like quite a sports fan!

Pot, meet kettle!

Dan NY, NY: What a phony you are for not watching the Bruins all regular season and pretending to be super nervous right now.

Bill Simmons: That's total BS. I absolutely watched the Bruins this season - I watched more hockey than I let on. Remember, I have 4 TVs.

Yeah, it was last season where I didn't watch them at all until the playoffs started! Get your years straight.

Bill Simmons: A game-winner by Scott Walker would have caused the biggest riot since 1776.

What's that you say? A series-winning overtime goal from the guy who half sucker punched a Boston player earlier in the series? That would supposedly cause a giant riot? Well, I sure hope it did when it happened about 30 minutes after Simmons wrote that sentence. Scott Walker is my favorite hockey player for the time being.

KB: Nice job of TSN bringing up the 0-20 stat. Even Canada likes to torture Boston fans

EVERYONE IS AGAINST US!

Greg (Boston: Everytime Walker touches the puck near the net, rage boils in my heart hoping it won't end like this...

Someone check on Greg and make sure he's OK. It's been a few days, maybe the rage is only simmering at this point.

Mike, Bruins Nation West: So proud of the Bruin fans! They're bringing it!

And every last one of them has been a huge fan since at least 2007. Alright, let's let Bill close this one down and let the schadenfreude wash over us.

Bill Simmons: You gotta be kidding me.

Bill Simmons: Worst.

Bill Simmons: Case.

Bill Simmons: Scenario.

Bill Simmons: Time to go walking... thanks everybody.

I NEVAH LIKED THE BRUINS ANYWAYS! BUNCH OF FAHKIN' BED SHITTAHS! GO SAWKS! WOOOOO! PAPELBAHHHHHHHN! PEDROIAHHHHHHHH! GET THAT BUM ORTIZ OFF THE TEAM, HE HASN'T DONE SHIT FOR US FOR AT LEAST 9 MONTHS!

I Hate Boston Sports Teams- Sun Continues to Rise in East, Set in West

Remember when Jacoby Ellsbury stole home? I sure do. I'll bet you do too. And if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought from the media's reaction at the time that it was the greatest accomplishment in the history of athletics. Sportswriters gushed and blushed. Some asshole MSM-types (this guy is a blogger, but he's a blogger officially employed by NBC sports, so I'm lumping him in with the MSM) even went so far as to complain that the ESPN crew covering the game detracted from the moment by not calling it as you're "supposed" to call a steal of home, however that is. I wish I were making that up, but that's really what the dude said. ESPN, probably in penance for this alleged sin committed against "Red Sox Nation" and humanity as a whole, stopped all coverage of any other events to show a non-stop looped replay of the steal for 24 hours straight the day after. A Red Sock had stolen home- against the Yankees no less!- and the world would never be the same. We were all forced to revel in the glory of the moment.

Well, Jayson Werth of the Phillies stole home tonight against the Dodgers, arguably in an even cooler fashion. Rather than simply going when a left handed pitcher was about to go into his windup, Werth went immediately after Dodgers' catcher Russell Martin had thrown the ball back to pitcher Rolando Belisario (who, by virtue of being right handed presumably should have been paying attention to Werth's ever-expanding lead on the previous 2 or 3 pitches). Now, it's not like the Phillies get totally ignored by the media. They, along with teams like LAA, CHW, and SFG, are probably in the second tier of media favoritism just behind the ol' BOS/NYY/NYM/CHC/LAD quintumvirate. But the reason for this whiny post is this: considering the fact that he's not Jacoby Ellsbury, do you think anyone in the media is even going to notice what Werth did?

That's rhetorical.

Actually, contrary to what I'm implying, the answer is probably yes. The fact that someone else stole home is an excellent opportunity for said media to take a trip down memory lane and talk about/show highlights of Ellsbury's steal all over again. God bless America.

Oh, by the way, have you heard about this totally underreported tidbit of news? Apparently David Ortiz hasn't hit a home run yet this season. Yeah, surprising, I know. I really had to do a lot of independent research to dig up that fascinating and totally relevant story. After all, he's the only former slugger in MLB history to start a season in his mid 30s with a big slump. Ever. But at least the Celtics are playing well, right? Rajon Rondo: already better than Isiah Thomas, or already WAY better than Isiah Thomas? Discuss.