Ray Lewis, the NFL Lockout, and Crime

This article is just awesome. You have to wonder if the ESPN interviewer was baiting Ray Lewis into saying something stupid.

One of the consequences of a lost NFL season will be an increase in crime, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said in a wide-raging one-on-one interview with ESPN.

Police departments everywhere are gearing up for the increase in Sunday afternoon crimes from depressed Ravens fans with nothing to do.

"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game," Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio.

1. "Do this research"?

2. "evil, which we call crime"?

3. "you take away our game"?

If there were a Hall of Fame for awesome quotes by athletes, this would be in it.

That's because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects "way more than us" -- the owners and the players.

It also affects people like this guy, who opened fire on a household appliance based on the outcome of an NFL game.

"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said.

Perhaps it would actually be beneficial if people lived a little less vicariously through their NFL teams.

"Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."

I would like to discover just how, and when, Ray Lewis walks the streets, and I am absolutely baffled as to what kinds of people Ray Lewis IS talking about if he is not talking about people you see all the time.

Is he talking about reclusive shut-ins?

When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

Life in the Ray Lewisverse:

Monday-Saturday: Await NFL Sunday.

Sunday: (a) Watch NFL football or (b) if (a) is not available, commit crimes.

Sunday is Day 68 of the lockout, which is now the longest work stoppage in NFL history. Lewis said the current dispute boils down to a matter of ego.

Coming from the man who once said:

I already believe I am the best linebacker in the game. Now, I have to show one more thing - that I am the most dominating, influential person in the game and the best football player to ever put on a pair of cleats.

I think it's safe to say that Ray Lewis knows a matter of ego when he sees one.

"It's simple, we really got to remove pride. Seriously," he said.

If only removing pride were so simple, all of our tragic heroes would never have met their downfall.

"There's no other reason the issue is going on," he said. "That's why I don't get into words and all that other stuff, because it takes away from life ... itself."

I'm glad Ray decided to get into words and all that other stuff, if only because it produced this hilarious article.

"There's people who are really struggling for real. There's real struggles out there."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Two Sides of a Stupid Story

Being Great Americans, most of us like to argue about sports with our friends. Usually, sports stories have two sides to them. Usually, they are formed something like this:

Point: Notre Dame sucks! They haven't won anything in a million years!
Counter-point: Notre Dame rules! They've got a lot of national titles they won in football games!

or

Point: Statistics are stupid; the best way to know sports is to watch the players play the sports game!
Counter-point: Statistics are really useful; they let you measure how a player performs when you can't watch all the games even with the TiVo.

Something like that. Frequently, arguments are resolved through one side's careful use of logic and sports arguments frequently end in amiable agreement about the most sensible point of view. And this blog is designed to facilitate that process.

POINT: The Yankees are ruining baseball.
[Note: this article, though written by Phil Sheridan from the Philly Inquirer, is also published on BostonHerald.com. The best part about Yankee news? Insecure Boston fans show their true bitchy natures]

The New York Yankees represent the very worst of America.

Surely, I am no Yankees fan, but I think O.J. Simpson's lawyers represent the very worst of America.

Overstatement? Consider the times. Cornerstone industries are faltering,

I blame the Yankees.

taxpayers are being asked to bail out mismanaged financial institutions and their overpaid CEOs,

I blame the Yankees.

and decent, hard-working men and women are being laid off or worrying that they could be next.

Fuck you, Yankees! Stop firing all those overpaid auto-workers whose own inflexible labor contracts have hurt them; stop firing all the excess middle management that isn't needed; stop firing all the hedge fund managers whose wealth-juggling games have finally hit the wall! Damn it, Cashman! Stop being such an asshole and actively hurting decent, hard-working men and women by trying to make your baseball team better!

Now consider the eight-year, $180 million contract the Yankees reportedly handed first baseman Mark Teixeira Tuesday. Stack it on top of the $161 million deal signed by pitcher CC Sabathia and the (relatively) modest $82.5 million promised to A.J. Burnett and you have the most egregious display of financial irresponsibility in the history of sports.

No, no, no. If you can PAY for it, and you MAKE billions of dollars, re-investing in your product is not a stupid or irresponsible at all. These decisions are much more egregious.

The Yanks’ insane overspending would be bad for baseball in the best of times. These are not the best of times.

As I've written before, the last few years have actually been some of the best times in baseball history, whether you consider attendance, profits, competitiveness for all teams not based in Pittsburgh. Mr. Sheridan, you can't just spout this with no basis and expect teh_blogorz not to call you on it!

If Major League Baseball had a commissioner — that is, an independent and strong-willed leader unafraid to do the right thing — the Teixeira and Sabathia deals would be nullified based on the commissioner’s sweeping "best interest of the game" powers.

What an awful idea. Is Mr. Sheridan really suggesting that anytime someone gets signed to a big contract, the commissioner should step in? Is Bud Selig's job to be a one-man salary cap, based on nullifying contracts approximately whenever he feels like it?

Up in Boston, where the Red Sox made a serious run at signing Teixeira, this deal is being rationally and calmly analyzed by baseball fans as if actual, flaming chunks of blue sky were crashing through the roofs of their homes.

Ah! I thought he was being serious! This was a joke! Whew. I thought for a minute there he was going to argue that Red Sox fans calmly and rationally analyzed something.

As one commenter on boston.com reasoned, "Dear God, please kill me now . . . " Another reflected, "OMG — I want to jump off a bridge . . . ! Yankees are instantly the favorites in the AL East for 2009 . . . ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Using comments from boston.com in your article: instant comedy.

Using comments from boston.com in your article: you're a doing a shit job of being a real journalist, and your whole argument is stupid.

COUNTER-POINT: The Yankees' spending is great for baseball! [Note: it is never a good thing for your side of an argument if you take a look around and notice that Richard Justice defends your viewpoint]

The Yankees are the gift that keeps on giving. We've just been guaranteed a great season no matter how it plays out.

No, real baseball fans have been guaranteed a season full of Yankee highlights every goddamn night - and Yankee subplots and sidebars all season long. Even Yankees fans aren't "guaranteed" a great season; the only people who are truly guaranteed a great season now are lazy, shitty sportswriters who will have tons of material.

Besides, if the Yankees win, how will their fans feel?

Pretty fucking good.

Will this be the kind of championship they're proud of?

Yes.

Will it reflect the greatness of the Yankees, or the fact that the Yankees did it with a sledgehammer?

Sledgehammers are not allowed on the baseball field, Richard.

In some ways, the Yankees can't win no matter how much they win.

What?

Isn't that a beautiful thing? And if they don't win, there'll be a firestorm to end all firestorms.

I, too, look forward to that. Residents of mountainous resort communities will be happy to know that all fire-storms will be ended if this takes place.

Regarding comments by the Brewers' owner:

This guy doesn't get it. If he owns the Brewers long enough, he'll understand that when the Yankees are really good, every other team benefits.

An implausible argument to say the least. But let's see how little Richard handles it:

What have the Yankees won anyway? How good are they? Have you checked out their outfield? Want to compare rotations? Which rotation do you like most? Which group has done more in October? Have they forgotten what a choking dog Alex Rodriguez is in the playoffs?

So wait.. you're saying that baseball is better off since the Yankees have become really good... but then you argue that they're NOT really good?

Also: A-Rod sucks, but not as bad as Richard Justice.

THE SENSIBLE CONCLUSION:

Actually, all this signing crap doesn't really affect the baseball world much at all. The Yankees are going to be better this season, but competitive balance will still prove that baseball's system isn't broken and doesn't need fixing. Sensible viewpoints (like this one which correctly pinpoints small-market teams as whiny and profit-hungry) must prevail, no matter the economic climate of the country. For pete's sake, even Dayn Perry realizes that this isn't that big a deal, and that salary caps " do nothing to promote competitive balance, and all they do is guarantee owner profits".

National writers let reason take a backseat

I don't have an entire article to rip. Instead, I bring you a hodgepodge of reasoning that hurts my brain from the nation's sportswriters.

Gregg Doyel: Not again, certainly not with Vick, who is the most vile professional athlete since Rae Carruth. Vick didn't conspire to kill a person, "just" dogs, but considering I prefer the typical dog to the typical person, that's an unforgivable crime in my opinion.

Rae Carruth conspired to kill his girlfriend, who, at the time was eight months pregnant with twins. One of the babies died a week after being born. Rae Carruth was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder and shooting into an occupied vehicle. He's now serving 18 years 11 months in prison. Vick did some pretty horrible things. But, there's a reason he might be out of jail in less than two years. Conspiracy to commit murder is ever so slightly less forgivable than teaching dogs to kill and then killing the ones who don't.

Ivan Maisel: That's because, in the end, the blame for this mess lies at the feet not of the BCS but of the Big 12. The Big 12 tiebreaker states that in the event of a three-way tie in which all other tiebreakers have been exhausted, the team rated highest in the BCS will be the division champion.

The Southeastern Conference tiebreaker says that in the event of a three-way tie, the team that is rated the highest will be the division champion unless the second-highest team is within five places in the BCS standings. Then it reverts to head-to-head competition. You can bet emphasis is added. And you can bet that the Big 12 will revisit this rule after the season.

I can't imagine there's anyone who writes for or reads this blog who thinks that the BCS is a perfect system, or would vehemently defend its implementation and workings. Everyone gets that it sucks. This year, if you're a Texas fan, you feel jobbed and you hate the BCS. If you're an Oklahoma fan, well, you feel the exact opposite.

Oklahoma lost to Texas by 10. Texas lost to Texas Tech by six on a last second touchdown. Texas Tech then lost to Oklahoma by 44. And thus, we have a problem.

Larry and I have had plenty of conversations about how a three-way tie should be broken. And you know what? There's really no one way that is without its deficiencies.

As for the SEC's system, let's use it here in this instance. Oklahoma is #2 in the BCS, Texas is #3, Tech is #7. I assume, since it's not specifically mentioned, that the third team, of the three way tie, gets booted from the discussion. So it's down to Oklahoma and Texas. Under the SEC rules, Texas goes to the Big XII championship game. They're happy; Oklahoma's not. This is no different from the quandary we find ourselves in now.

All the arguments I've heard for Texas pretty much start by discarding Texas Tech from the three-way tie argument. Then, it comes down to the Oklahoma-Texas head to head matchup. Texas, of course, gets the edge with the win over Oklahoma seven weeks ago. But, why toss Texas Tech out of the argument? Because they had two bad wins at home, sure, but primarily because they got crushed by 44 two weeks ago. Texas Tech gets discounted because of the whoopin' that Oklahoma put on them, and because of that whoopin' Oklahoma is inferior to Texas. Ivan Maisel, and everyone else, SEC included, welcome to geometry class. I give you the circle.

Brad Edwards: That raises the question: Is it still certain that Florida reaches the BCS National Championship Game by simply beating No. 1 Alabama on Saturday?

Just guessing, but, yes.

While there's obvious reason for Gators fans to be concerned, it remains highly unlikely that No. 3 Texas will stay ahead of Florida with many voters if UF wins the SEC title.

This might be too picky, but an "obvious reason" to be concerned should yield something slightly more likely than "highly unlikely." I could die tomorrow, but, that's highly unlikely. So, I'm not concerned.

If Oklahoma goes on to win the Big 12 championship, chances are good that some (if not most) of this week's Longhorns supporters will move the conference champion back ahead of UT on next week's ballots.

No argument here. This would cement Oklahoma as either #1 or #2 in the final BCS standings.

Also, with Alabama-Florida being a 1 versus 2 matchup in the Harris poll, and the Gators trailing No. 2 Oklahoma by only 12 points in this week's coaches' poll, it's probable that Florida will move to No. 1 in both polls if it wins the SEC title. That would pretty much ensure the Gators reach the top 2 of next week's BCS standings.

Again, no argument here. This pretty much cements Florida as either #1 or #2, right?

But if Florida wins the SEC and somehow doesn't climb higher than second in one of the polls, there's a chance Oklahoma and Texas could have a rematch for the BCS title.

Sure, delineate the reasons that this won't happen, and then, tell us that in the event that the .00001% chance this scenario plays itself out, we're fucked into having a rematch of two great teams for the national championship. Sound the alarm Brad Edwards. The British are most definitely coming.

Stewart Mandel: For the first time in the 11-year history of the BCS, I find myself thankful for the computers...I myself...conclud[ed] that the Longhorns deserved to stay ahead of the Sooners.

What?

The computers made the decision for us. They decided the exact opposite of what you personally felt. You're happy for the computers?

Andrew Perloff: If ever a personal foul was worth the 15 yards, it was Steelers safety Ryan Clark's "unnecessary hit on a defenseless receiver" against New England. Clark laid out Wes Welker, taking the Patriots' talented receiver out of the game. Welker and his fellow receivers have been torturing defenses, running for yards after the catch all season. Lots of safeties around the league have probably dreamt the hit Clark put on Welker. Hopefully the talented Welker will be just fine. While I understand the emphasis on player safety, as a fan I'd miss bone-crunching hits on receivers over the middle if they completely disappeared.

Go here. :43-:47 is the only way to aptly describe my thoughts on this.

Bill Simmons' Friends Are Just as Stupid as He Is

Thanks to long time reader Mr. F, for alerting me to this utter stupidity from Bill Simmons' pen-ultimate B.S. Report:

"JackO on the podcast said that even though Santana has a sub 2.7 ERA, and is top 5 in basebal in WHIP and ERA +, he feels that his beloved Yankees dodged a bullet by not getting him because "he is 8-7" right now."

Other logical conclusions made by the distastefully named Jack-O:

IF it looks like a Rat
AND it smells like a Rat
AND it is brown
THEN it must be a Brown Dog
QED

IF the woman at the bar has a large Adam's Apple
AND the woman at the bar has a penis
AND the woman at the bar has big breasts
THEN I'm totally going home with that woman at the bar tonight and having heterosexual intercourse with her.
QED

Feel free to add your own in the comments. Non-Bill Simmons stuff forthcoming, maybe.