Is This Supposed To Be Tongue-In-Cheek? Or Does He Actually Believe What He's Writing?

Wallace Matthews, please stop. You're torturing us. The fact that I had to ask those two rhetorical questions in the title of the post speaks volumes about your ability as a journalist.

(Note: Due to the fact that he's on his way to NYC, this is probably the first of many Johan Santana-related articles we'll be covering here over the course of the next few months. Everyone settle in. I expect Mike Celizic to weigh in eventually, at which point PNoles will probably break down sobbing and acidentally spill an almost full bottle of Yoo-Hoo all over his keyboard. If he disappears for a few days, that's probably why.)

You're welcome, Omar. You, too, Jeff.

It could be mere coincidence that five days after I tore you guys a new dugout for being as active in the offseason as David Wells after Thanksgiving dinner, you go out and make the one deal that turns the Mets into a bona fide World Series contender. But I'd rather think not. I would like to take a little credit for this, too.

I bet you would. First, though, you should also take credit for somehow comparing a dugout to an asshole. I get that they're both orifices, but that's still awful. I would have gone with "I tore you guys a new Jerramy Stevens" or maybe "a new Gary Sheffield." Second, you should also take credit for putting together an astonishly clunky sentence to begin the first full paragraph. Third, you should take credit for being the only person currently living outside of the British Isles to go by the first name "Wallace." Good job. I think going by "Wally" would actually be a step down in terms goofiness. I'd even recommend "Wally the Walrus" over "Wallace." Finally, a David Wells joke? Really? Is it still 2004 in New York?

Five days ago, I ripped you for doing nothing this winter to improve a team that just performed the most graceless belly flop since Greg Louganis hit his head on a diving board at the 1988 Olympics.

Too soon! TOO SOON! Also, that's already two awkward sports analogies in the span of five sentences. Let's just cool things down a little bit in that department, OK? Sometimes less is more. You're stretching that device like Michelle Kwan warming up for her short program!

No?

Actually, you did do something. You raised ticket prices. At the time that column was written, it was absolutely, positively, 100 percent correct and I for one couldn't have been happier about having written it.

You? Pleased with yourself for something your brain vomited onto your laptop? Color me flabbergasted.

So now, you go out and get Johan Santana for the equivalent of a rosin bag, a fungo bat and a pine tar rag.

Yes, it would seem the Mets got an okay deal. A deal comparable to one involving several pieces of baseball equipment? Probably not. I do have to admit, however, that it's a fantastic deal in comparison to what the Orioles almost got for Erik Bedard and did get for Miguel Tejada. Hey Ed Wade and Bill Bavasi, I hear the son of the deposed King of Nigeria is looking for someone to help him get a bunch of money into an American bank account. Maybe you should help him out. Still-

You steal him from the Yankees and Red Sox, both of whom had far better offers on the table back in December at the winter meetings.

That's up for debate. I know the Yankees were offering Phil Hughes ZOMG and the Red Sox were offering surefire Hall of Famer and Dreamboat Jacoby Ellsbury. I know. Prospects from Boston and New York are just so much more prospect-y and exciting than other prospects. Why else would we know their names? But there are at least a handful of baseball minds out there who really weren't that impressed with what the AL East juggernauts were offering. Their analysis is basically that those two teams were offering "sure but unspectacular thing" guys while the Mets offer contains "boom or bust" type guys would could disappear or become stars.

You give up four guys nobody will cry about losing. Not a Kazmir in the bunch.

While none of the guys might have the blue chip pedigree of a Kazmir, I love that the tone of the conclusion is there's no way any of them will amount to anything. Wallace Matthews in response to that famous Victor Zambrano trade: "The Mets gave up guys nobody will cry about losing. Not a Kevin Tapani or Rick Aguilera in the bunch." (For those unfamiliar with the trade I'm referencing, it was a disaster for the Mets. It was with the Twins, for Frank Viola, in 1989.)

Just days before Groundhog Day, you upstage Punxsutawney Phil, pop out of your hole, don't see your shadow and promise us an early spring.

This is an even worse sentence than the one I pointed out in the first full paragraph up. Also- I don't think big baseball fans and people who actually care about Punxsutawney Phil overlap very much. Even those who do care about both are probably not considering Phil "upstaged" at this point. That's like saying UConn's surprise victory over Indiana last Saturday upstaged Monday's State of the Union address.

And yes, I know I'm taking everything Wallace says hyperliterally. That's what we do here. Go look through the archives if you don't believe me. Go ahead. I can wait.

What are you trying to do, make me look bad?

You do a great job of that all by yourself.

I prefer to think you are actually trying to make me look good. Like you took my advice or something. Or at least got good and mad about being called out for your futility this winter. You see, I like to think of myself not as a critic, but a motivator, a kind of personal trainer for sluggish general managers and franchise owners. I'm even willing to try to get their rich, pampered sons off the couch and into the action.

This is just one of the sections that inspired the title of this post. He sort of seems to think he was a part of this, doesn't he? Kind of like when a fan thinks that wearing a certain t-shirt when watching their team's games helps that team win. Or when the leader of a cult thinks that killing off his whole sect of followers guarantees him eternal happiness in the afterlife. Well, not really. I just wanted to compare Matthews to a creepy murderer.

For once, it seems to have worked. Back in October, I wrote that you should part ways with Jose Reyes,

For anyone who needed proof that Wallace Matthews is close to braindead: there you go.

who showed more than a little woof-woof last year as the Mets' season careened down the tubes.

What the fuck does "show[ing]... a woof-woof" mean? Also, if that was your criterion for who the Mets should jettison this offseason, they would have ditched pretty much everyone from 2007 except for David Wright. And hell, why not consider him guilty by association? Every player who ever stinks over the course of 17 games should be immediately cut. Choke artists.

I thought you should trade him for Santana

Don't tease Twins fans like that. Things are pretty tough for them right now.

and then, to fill that newly dug hole at shortstop, throw the rest of the money you will be raking in from the new ballpark, new naming rights and the ticket prices at Alex Rodriguez.

Excuse me... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... OK, I'm cool. First, Rodriguez is not a SS anymore. He's put on too much weight to have the kind of range necessary for the position. Second, what the fuck makes you think that was even a possibility? It's up for debate whether Rodriguez came back to the Yankees because they were the only ones who offered him the money he wanted, or because he genuinely wanted to play for the team. Still, I just love how simple Matthews makes this "solution" sound.

Here's how he would fix the Miami Heat:

1) Trade Dwyane Wade for a player who is older, more expensive, and can only play once every five games. Hmmmmm, is Shaq available? Wait, what?
2) Open new arena; use revenue to sign Gilbert Arenas, Baron Davis, Elton Brand, and Shawn Marion when they become free agents this summer
3) Put Jason Williams and Ricky Davis in rocket ship; launch into deep space

Just like that!

It was a bold plan, a daring move, the kind of thing that transforms teams and either sends their GMs to Cooperstown or the want ads.

Steve Phillips joke goes here. Also, it was a plan pulled out of the ass of a terrible journalist who doesn't seem to know much about baseball. So please value it accordingly.

For some strange reason, you rejected that game plan. Up until yesterday, I thought you guys were about as smart as a sack of baseballs for doing so.

Maybe you meant "smart as Vince Young, according to the Wonderlic test." Sports analogy LOLZ

But you did better than I ever could have and better than I thought you were capable of.

Let me break that down. If something is a better idea than his best idea... and also a better idea than what he thinks their best idea would be... yep. If both those clauses are true, then Matthews considers it a possibility that he is smarter than the Mets front office. It's a dark, dark day for baseball journalism.

Since I am taking credit for spurring you to do this, I can honestly say I am proud of you. (By the way, I may have to start the season on the DL. Three paragraphs up, I think I blew out a rotator cuff from patting myself on the back.)

This makes the self-congratulatory tone of the piece seem like more of a joke, but I'm not 100% convinced yet. This is the kind of thing Bill Simmons would say, while really still wanting to point out how fantastically smart he is.

But I must admit, not even I am megalomaniac enough to believe I did this all by myself. I had plenty of help from the Yankees, who in an uncharacteristic spasm of logic and restraint, decided to resist the urge to throw away their future, and a large chunk of Hank and Hal's inheritance, in yet another attempt to buy themselves the American League East.

So that's what the Yankees would have been doing were they to trade for Santana. I see. And yet, the Mets have done no harm whatsoever to their future. There's no way any of those four guys they traded will ever be good at baseball, ever. I heard two of them aren't actually even ballplayers- they apparently sell mattresses for a living. And that $120 million extension the Mets are about to hand over to Santana? Well, it's not actually for money. They'll be paying him with a combination of bottlecaps, socks, and pinecones. So what the Mets just did is totally different than what the Yankees were thinking about doing.

I must also share credit with the Red Sox, who would be damned before they'd allow the Yankees to grab the fiscal high road for themselves.

Might as well also share this same credit with every person in the world, since 99.999999999% of them are exactly as responsible for this trade as you are.

But most of all, I must credit the Minnesota Twins, who overplayed their hand beautifully. They blew a chance to add Phil Hughes and Melky Cabrera from the Yankees

Hughes- Could be excellent one day. Already good enough to start in the bigs, but not necessarily an A+ future "ace" kind of guy. More of a #2 or good #3 guy.
Cabrera- Predominantly a defensive player. Not that that's a bad thing since he plays CF, but still, he's not some kind of dynamic 5 tool guy. Witness his .327 OBP in 2007.

So yeah, that's a decent package. Obviously substantially better than what the Twins ended up getting? No. You can't fault Minnesota for wanting to hold out for something better, given the Yankees' recent propensity to renege on promises they publicly make. There was no way they would pursue Randy Johnson. There was no way they'd let Buffet-Rod come back if he opted out. What were the odds they wouldn't sweeten this deal?

or get either Jon Lester or Jacoby Ellsbury from the Red Sox.

Lester- Similar to Hughes, maybe a small step down. Good, fine, Major League read, but has a relatively low ceiling.
Ellsbury- I've known this guy existed for about 6 months, and I'm already sick and fucking tired of hearing about him. Hey, does anyone know if he had a couple good games in the playoffs last fall? I missed out on coverage of that. In any case, a decent prospect. Should hit better than Cabrera eventually, but not a "can't-miss" guy just yet.

Same story as with what the Yankees offered. Is it a good deal? Sure. Is it a great, "holy shit how can you turn that down" deal? Not really. Compared to what Boston gave up for Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell (considered a salary dump at the time), it's a joke.

Either of those deals would have been better than Carlos Gomez and Phil Humber, but that's what you get from being indecisive, greedy, or both.

Way to be greedy, baseball executive. Since when has greed been frequently rewarded in your industry?

Gomez looked like a nice little player but I, for one, will not miss Humber since I was never going to get used to that silent H at the beginning of his last name.

Sounds something a French guy would do, doesn't it? Have a silent H at the front of his name? Fucking French. Pussies. WOO! U-S-A! U-S-A!

The truth is, as the rest of the field fell away, this guy pretty much fell into your lap. Well, good for you.

Don't forget all the details, Wallace. They also only signed him because you encouraged them to do so.

There's something to be said for being in the right place at the right time, which is something that hasn't happened to the Mets in quite a while.

Signing Carlos Beltran? Signing Pedro Martinez? Getting John Maine from the Orioles for the Benson family? Watching Oliver Perez rejuvenate his career, after getting him from the Pirates for Xavier "Prototypical 4th Outfielder" Nady? Getting Carlos Delgado (for one good season, anyways) from the Marlins for Mike "You Mean I Don't Have To Swing At Each And Every Pitch?" Jacobs? Getting Mike Piazza in his prime for Preston "Ow My Leg" Wilson? Any of these ring a bell? Sure, they've made some huge mistakes too. But it's not like we're talking about the Oakland Raiders or Atlanta Hawks here when it comes to personnel decisions.

Maybe it was just about time for something to go right in Flushing for a change.

Yeah, you poor tortured fans. It's so hard having one of the game's top payrolls and tons of media attention, isn't it? Maybe if you guys hadn't choked on applesauce in the 2006 NLCS and then choked on even smoother applesauce in September 2007, things wouldn't seem so bleak. But don't act like you're always having trouble acquiring good players. Anyone who knows anything about baseball understands that's not the case.

Or maybe it was a case of finally realizing that what you thought was hateful criticism was actually tough love.

Tough love, huh? How parental of you.

If Wallace Matthews was my father, I would change my last name, run away from home, and spend the rest of my days working on those Alaskan crab boats from "The Deadliest Catch." Think about it- the hull of a ship is like one huge basement!

Well done, boys. And remember: If you need any more help, I'm here for you.

Great. If you want to give any more advice, the Mets will be at their headquarters in New York. Not needing your help.

[Thanks to reader Charles for the tip. Can I call you Chas? Chas is a great name. Much better than Wallace.]

Why Wallace Matthews Should Not Have a Job

This column, and Larry's Dennis Dodd column from earlier today have both lead me to believe that the more stupid, vague jokes per column, the less intelliegent the columnist.

Exhibit A: Wallace Matthews. Wallace is very stupid and doesn't understand baseball. Let's examine his diatribe against the New York Mets. It's full of real "humdingers", as someone from Jon Heyman's time would say. Oh, and not to mention, a healthy dose of WRONGism!

Time again to knock stuffing out of Mets

We'll give him a pass. It was written on Thanskgiving.

It is Turkey Day, which means it is once again time to brine, stuff, baste and roast the Mets.

Having enjoyed more free rides this offseason than a serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977, the Mets made a comeback on Tuesday by trading Guillermo Mota for Johnny Estrada, who is Paul Lo Duca, only worse.

Serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977??? Here's some solid advice, Wallace. Any dumb jokes or references that require most readers to do a Google search to understand are best left out. Apparently there was some sort of power outage in New York that lasted a couple of days in 1977. Big whoop.

If this article was about the minor leagues, he'd be saying, "The Mets' farm system is going through a position player famine worse than the fish market circa 1838!"

This was blockbuster news because previously, during the same time period in which the Yankees had lost to the midges, passed their ownership torch from George to Boy George, fired one guy named Joe, hired another and entered into negotiations with three big-ticket free agents, the only activity in Mets camp was the removal of a bunion from El Duque's foot.

Oh great! Let's criticize the Mets for not being active in the offseason by using the Yankees as a basis of comparison! The Yankees have done a ton of really stupid things this offseason, but that doesn't matter, because Wallace Matthews is crediting them for being active. Oh, if only the Mets gave $45M to an aging reliever, $52.4M to an aging catcher, and needlessly endured negative publicity by shortchanging then replacing a manager who was perfectly fine. Then they'd be on the right track!

At least they think it was a bunion. The guy's so old, it might have been a vestigial toe.

At this point, the fictional comedy club in Wallace's mind explodes with laughter.

So far, this offseason is shaping up as even worse than last year's, when the Mets at least had an excuse. Having failed to make it out of the 2006 NLCS by, arguably, one called strike, GM Omar Minaya believed, with some justification, that all his team needed was a turn of the wrench or two to make the adjustments that would put the Mets in the World Series.

This year, having witnessed the worst collapse in New York baseball history, Minaya knows it's going to take a lot more than that. The problem is, what the Mets need most can't be had on the free-agent market.

Worst collapse in New York baseball history: see 2004 ALCS

Okay, now for the meat of Matthews' point. What is this thing that the Mets need! It's a riddle. The only hint is: it's not on the free agent market. So that rules out servicable starting pitchers and another good outfielder. But....both of these things are actually things the Mets need! What could Wallace mean here?

Heart transplants are not available.

Oh.....HEART transplants! We're in Eckstein territory! I don't think anyone told Wallace that Eckstein is a free agent!

Character can't be bought even for A-Rod type numbers.

Actually it can. 4 years of character can reportedly be bought for $36M. The Mets are apparently interested in this man, and you're still clueless.

As far as we know, not even BALCO has figured out how to bottle killer instinct.

Killer instinct. Because baseball is a sport in which you need killer instinct. Because you're always trying to use physical aggression to outfight somebody for something in baseball. This is what's wrong with the Mets, people!

Worst of all, Estrada looks to be just another part-time player on a roster that is chock full of same. Aside from David Wright at third, Jose Reyes at short and Carlos Beltran in center, the Mets don't have one everyday player who looks capable of playing a full season.

Whew. Ignorant lunchpail-alert Wallace is gone. We're back to ignorant WRONG Wallace.

Is Carlos Delgado really a part-time player? He's failed to log 500 at-bats once since 1996.

Ditto with Luis Castillo since 1999.

Then there are the corner outfielders: Moises Alou, who is a good half-player, or half of a good player, managing to appear in 87 games last season; Endy Chavez, who made it into 71 games, Lastings Milledge, who showed improvement but was lucky to make it through the year with his head still attached to his shoulders, Marlon Anderson, Ben Johnson and Carlos Gomez. Help.

Okay, you did a great job of exaggerating this problem. These 6 guys compete for 2 spots in the starting lineup.

"Team X is having serious problems. They have 5 guys that can catch, but they're never all healthy at the same time!"

As for first base, wouldn't Carlos Delgado look so much better in an American League uniform? At least you'd see him only four times a game.

Carlos Delgado, 2007: +9 FRAA. Carlos Delgado's fielding is not a reason the Mets failed in '07.

Which brings us to the starting pitching. Right now, it's El Duque, a man of indeterminate age, and Pedro Martinez, a man of indeterminate ability, although being in the walk year of his contract can only help. John Maine is dependable, but as for the lone lefty, he's Oliver Perez one start, Oliver Hardy the next. Cover your eyes when Mike Pelfrey and Phil Humber are given the baseball.

Oliver Hardy. What. The. Fuck.



That is a picture of Oliver Hardy. Wallace Matthews just made a joke that sometimes, Oliver Perez pitches like an actor who was born in the 19th century.

Oh yeah, and "cover your eyes" when Phil Humber, one of the best prospects in baseball, is pitching. He threw 7 innings last year. Call it quits on this one, boys!

Happy Thanksgiving, Mets fans. Enjoy your bird today, because a diet of turkey doesn't go down nearly as well in April.

Citizens of New York, fear Wallace's horrific tales of indigestion to come!

Extra: "Killer Instinct Necessary to Win Divisions"

Wallace Matthews has a great theory as to why the Mets are faltering.

These Mets lack a killer instinct

There you have it. The New York Mets are finding themselves out of the NL East league because they have no killer instinct, as evidenced by them not killing anything lately.

Pity poor Willie Randolph. Try as he might, he can't turn these sleeping dogs into pit bulls.

I'm going to go ahead and skip to the last sentence of the column real quick.

But deep down, he's got to know that no matter how much he whips them, he can't turn this litter of pussycats into a pride of lions.

This is basically the same dumb metaphor. I've got one! "No matter how many dumb metaphors Wallace Matthews puts into his articles, he still can't turn his writing into something that makes any sense"

Right now, he's got three gamers - David Wright, Moises Alou and Paul Lo Duca - and a clubhouse full of Mister Softees who wouldn't have survived one day in the crucible of Brownsville, where Randolph's character was forged,

Let's have a one-player draft between you and me Wallace. You can go first and pick either of these two players.

Mister Carlos "Softee" Beltran: .276/.355/.527 EqA: .302. WARP: 8.1 Good at fielding? Yes

Mr. Paul "Gamer" Lo Duca: .276/.314/.284 EqA: .247. WARP: 2.8. Good at fielding? Not particularly

Now normally I'd say Beltran is a better guy to have, but....

Catch: The latter is FIERY and has KILLER INSTINCT

Now I see why you want Lo Duca.

Side note: Why is Moises Alou considered a "gamer"? He's about the last guy on the Mets roster someone would label a "gamer", except like Jose Valentin or something. The guy is 41 years old and is bad at fielding! (I heard somewhere good fielding is what makes a "gamer") So which is it? "gamer" = killer-instincty, hussle-y, gritty? Or "gamer" = good at baseball? Either way, you're wrong.

let alone the walk in the park that is the National League East.

Or, at least, should be.

The NL East isn't like, amazing, but it's hardly the NL Central, the only true, "walk-in-the-park"-y division.

Their non-performance against the Washington Nationals, a team with nothing to look forward to but winter vacation, was inexcusable considerng the gap in talent and payroll between the two teams.

Yes, and no bad teams ever beat any good teams in a best of 3 series. The Marlins actually aren't 6-0 against the Cubs this year, because there is no such thing as "variance" or "small sample size".

When you factor in that the Mets not only should want to beat such a team, but desperately need to, it borders on the shameful.

The Mets want to beat the Nationals, as opposed to other teams.....whom they are indifferent to beating.

All season, the Mets have taken a day or two off each week, hence their inability to put together a five-game winning streak until two weeks ago.

And yet, they and their fans have been lulled into a false sense of security by the weakness of their division, which has kept them in first place every day of the season since May 16.

Here's the problem. It's hard to call the 2nd best division of a 3-division league "weak", especially when the difference between the best teams and the worst teams is far less pronounced than it is in the AL.

But now, faced with their first real test, they are floundering like a prizefighter who has won 35 setups in "preparation" for a title fight. And every time you think you have seen their worst performance of the year, they surprise you by taking it one step lower. And who knows when it will bottom out?

I would imagine that if it hasn't already, it would have to be sometime in the next week, Wallace.

And what's the "title fight" here? Playing the Washington Nationals? This comparison does not hold water.

Read on if you want to. It's a bunch of garbage about how the Mets don't "look like a playoff team" and "don't care about winning". Piss off, Matthews.

I'm Back From Vegas!

Wow....I sure did pick a bad set of days to be away from Fire Jay Mariotti. A thank-you to Pearlman for raising our readership to what seems like eleventy billion compared to what it was before. My flight landed recently, and it's 3:15 A.M., so yeah, dead tired. But after taking a cool 2 G's from the complete lack of poker common sense found in Las Vegas tourists, I think the gambler inside me is appeased, and I'm ready to blog it up again.

That having been said, lets take a look at what Wallace Matthews was up to while I was away.

Yankees' Chamberlain right man for job

Yankees' Chamberlain: 5 IP. I have a similar theory along the same lines.

Kevin Mench between Apr 21, 2006 and Apr 28, 2006: 7 games played, 7 HR (one in each). Conclusion: Kevin Mench is the best baseball player who ever lived.

The buzz spread through Yankee Stadium as soon as the bullpen door swung open, the way it does in a plaza de toros when it is time for the matador to meet the bull.

They were excited by a pitcher they had never seen, not in the flesh, yet it seemed as if they believed that maybe they had seen his like before, in a different time under a different name.

Just a guess....but couldn't they have been cheering him because he had been pitching very well so far, and not because they had this mystical sense of him being the new Jeff Nelson?

They weren't cheering the man so much as they were cheering the concept, one that had carried the Yankees to four world championships in five years but of late has seemed as outdated and unattainable as 300 wins. They were cheering the concept of the seven-inning game.

Okay now you're pushing it. I think that most Yankees FANS are more sensible than you. They're giving a hometown ovation for a pitcher who has performed very well, not assuming they have a lights-out setup man after 3 games.

That was what those other Yankees teams were built on, the crushing reality that while they had 27 outs to complete their job, their opponents had only 21. Or, on some nights, 18.

First it was Mariano Rivera pitching two innings and handing off to John Wetteland. Then it was lefthander Mike Stanton and righthander Jeff Nelson clearing the path to Rivera.

This is such a bullshit exaggeration, with all due respect to Riviera being an awesome closer. The middle relief is NOT EVEN CLOSE to what those Yankees teams were built on.

2000 New York Yankees:

Jeff Nelson: 2.45 ERA, 1.27 WHIP (pretty decent, ERA probably lowered by Riviera stranding inherited runners)
Mike Stanton: 4.10 ERA, 1.35 WHIP (this is lights-out???)

1999 New York Yankees:

Mike Stanton: 4.33 ERA, 1.43 WHIP
Jeff Nelson: 4.15 ERA, 1.62 WHIP

1998 New York Yankees:

Mike Stanton: 5.47 ERA, 1.22 WHIP
Jeff Nelson: 3.79 ERA, 1.64 WHIP

I guess teams should have just fucking gave up against the Yankees once the 7th inning rolled around and they didn't have the lead, because those guys were just plain UNSTOPPABLE (Riviera was pretty damn good for Wetteland, though).

Now it was the kid's turn, a 21-year-old who grew up on an Indian reservation in Nebraska, raised by a divorced father confined to a wheelchair by polio, a kid whose weight sometimes rose higher than his ERA.

Weight rose higher than his ERA? Does that make any fucking sense at all, Wallace? Please, help me out here.

Now Joba Chamberlain - with a name pronounced like the name of a computer-generated sci-fi villain in a movie made two years before he was born

A Star Wars reference! Matthews is a closet nerd! This can't be a sports column. This is a blog.

was being asked to nurse more than a one-run lead over the Baltimore Orioles. He was being asked to nurse a pennant race, a race the Yankees had fought their way back into during the past month but could just as easily fall out of during the next.

No. He was being asked to nurse a one-run lead over the Baltimore Orioles. That's the kind of thing middle relievers do. The Yankees were playing amazing baseball before stumbling upon Joba the Hutt. Granted, he can help a great deal, as the Yankees' bullpen hasn't been good, but you're WAY overstating his importance.

This was what they have been waiting for around here, not another one-dimensional slugger or overpaid starter who goes five innings and calls it a week. Those Yankees teams of 10 years ago, the ones who brought baseball fans back to the Bronx and continue to do so to this day, were strong because they were strong in the middle. Middle relief, that is.

Yeah, get rid of fucking A-Rod, he isn't helping anything. He's a one-dimensional slugger. Mister One-Dimensional and his weak-sauce 12.3 WARP3 should high-tail it out of New York. And I just proved up above that the Yankees' championship teams were not that strong in the middle, save for 1996. Those teams were awesome because they outscored their opponents by a ton and Riviera is one of the best closers ever, NOT becuase middle relievers had WHIPs in the 1.20-1.70 range.

Those teams didn't need A-Rod or Giambi or Sheffield to win. They needed Nelson and Stanton and David Weathers and, of course, Rivera.

I really, REALLY don't want to look up the WARPs of these players to disprove that. You all can do it yourself to see just how stupid Wallace is. What I do want to call your attention to is the fact that Wallace Matthews JUST SUGGESTED THAT THE YANKEES NEEDED DAVID WEATHERS TO WIN.

First of all, David Weathers pitched exactly 17 1/3 innings for a Yankees' championship team (in 1996). He had a 9.35 ERA and a 2.14 WHIP. And David Weathers was a part of the reason they were winning games? Really? DAVID WEATHERS?!?!?!?!?!

Brian Cashman has made his share of mistakes in the past couple of seasons, but holding tight to Chamberlain - and Cabrera, for that matter - do not qualify. After all, had he given in to temptation as in years past, that bullpen door could have swung open last night and Eric Gagne could have waddled out.

Gagne was incredible for the Rangers this year. Despite his recent Red Sox struggles, I would definitely take him over some guy who's thrown 5 major league innings.

Instead, it was Joba Chamberlain, who brings more with him than a wicked fastball and a nasty slider.

He brings, too, the promise of a return to the formula that made Joe Torre's Yankees great: Nine innings for them. Seven innings for you.

That's the brilliant secret. THAT'S THE FORMULA FOR JOE TORRE WINNING THOSE CHAMPIONSHIPS. "Nine innings for them. Seven innings for you." Not only is that one of the dumbest sayings in the world, it completely ignores the fact that the Yankees consistently scored a lot of runs every year (10th, 5th, 3rd, and 10th in MLB in runs scored during championship seasons) and had David Cone turning in great season after great season, supported by some solid performances by El Duque, Pettite, David Wells, and Roger Clemens.

Hell no Wallace, I'm wrong. It was all Jeff Nelson and fucking Mike Stanton. The Yankees should trade the Red Sox A-Rod for Okajima straight up, immediately. The Red Sox are suckers and will bite. They have no idea that A-Rod isn't what championships are built on.

Honestly, lose your job already.

Wallace Matthews Gets in a Fight with Webster's Dictionary.....

about the meaning of the word "mediocre". It's not a battle you're gonna win, Matthews.

Yanks have a Rocket that's subsonic

Just an excellent play on words.

Is that all there is?

That is the question Yankee fans have to be fearing right about now.

Is that all there is to the 349-victory, seven-Cy Young Award, $28-million, 44-year-old pitcher who was supposed to come in and save the season, like John Wayne turning back a hostile tribe of Comanches?

Since this was written following Friday's 2-0 loss to the Mets, I can only imagine this article is going to be a bunch of nonsense about how Clemens isn't performing well. Lead the way, Mr. Paid-for-ignorant-analysis.

If that is the question you are fearing - and you have plenty of reason to be - then the words of Jorge Posada, who has caught Roger Clemens twice now, will offer no comfort. "What you saw today is pretty much what he is gonna do," Posada said. "He really gave us everything he had tonight."

Wow. Grossly out of context maybe? When your pitcher goes 6.1 innings, gives up 2 runs, walks only 1, and strikes out 8 guys, that's a good start. It's well above average. If Clemens did that every time, he'd have a 2.84 ERA and have the best K/9 ratio of any starter in baseball. Posada's comment was pointing out that the Rocket's outing was a strong effort, and that he expects such strong efforts to continue. And here you are turning this comment around as if Posada was agreeing with you? "He really gave us everything he had" is a compliment, not an implication that this is Clemens' too-low ceiling for how well he will pitch in the future.

If so, the Yankees should ask for some of that money back. Clemens pitched well enough to beat most teams Friday night, allowing two runs in 6 1/3 innings, walking one and striking out eight. It was good enough to beat the Pirates last week.

This makes so little sense that I'm having a hard time justifying responding to it. So 2 runs in 6 1/3 innings is a good start against the Pirates, but not the Mets? And that 2.84 ERA that start translates to? It's better than that of any team in baseball (lowest is Padres at 2.92). Do you READ the shit you write?

But it was not good enough to beat the Mets, not on a night when Oliver Perez, who is working the entire season for less money than Clemens will make for three starts, strings together seven zeros and the Mets' bullpen supplies the final two.

Do you know what kind of outing beats a team that doesn't give up any runs? NONE! No matter how well Roger Clemens pitched (through 9 innings), he could not have won that game. How does this not make sense to you? He failed to outpitch a team that didn't give up a run, so the Yankees should be worried?

As good as Clemens' line was, it was the worst one posted by any of the eight pitchers who worked Friday night. Numbers aside, it was a mediocre performance at best, devoid of the electricity and intimidation that made Clemens one of the most feared pitchers of the last two decades.

asdjk;fsfljawifojwefj'awefawefjklawefkwl'fawfe

I am literally resisting the urge to pick up my keyboard and hurl it into the monitor.

Let me get this straight. YOU GET PAID TO WRITE THIS SHIT!?!?!?!

So Clemens pitched very well, but because no other pitcher in the game let up a run (in that one game, one, the sample size of games played is one), you have to throw out the numbers and the performance becomes mediocre?

What is the reasoning behind this unexplainable mediocrity? You guessed it. Electricity and intimidation. This start was better than Clemens's career average in earned runs and strikeouts, but you need to throw that out the window, beacuse the Mets hitters were not visibly quivering from the intimidation of the mere 1000 volt charge (down from 6500V back in the day) that Clemens's eyes were shocking into their nervous systems.

This is not what the Yankees were buying when they "lured" Clemens out of a retirement he never really wanted. They thought they were buying the Rocket, a once-every-five-days performer who could lead them out of the abyss they had fallen into. He couldn't be just good, he needed to be great, and not just most of the time, but every time out.

If you told the Yankees, a team that doesn't give a shit about money, before they signed Clemens, that he would put up a 2.84 ERA and strike out 11.8 guys per 9 innings, they would probably have raised their offer for fear of not luring him fast enough. I repeat. The performance that the Rocket delivered Friday was BETTER than his career average performance. It was better than Rocketesque. Maybe he didnt get through the 7th inning, but the bullpen didn't let up any runs, so there's no feasible way to say Clemens let the team down.

But he is no longer that pitcher, no longer that man. In his dotage, the Rocket has become the bottle rocket, capable of the occasional 90-plus fastball - he hit 92 once in the first inning - but mostly living in Mike Mussina territory, high-to-mid 80s and nothing, I mean nothing, over the inside half of the plate.

I've never seen a slow bottle rocket. Who cares about velocity if he's still striking guys out? Most of the point of throwing hard is that it increases the chance of a strikeout.

Can this possibly be the same man who reduced the Mets to jelly in the 2000 World Series, who sawed off Mike Piazza's bat and threw the barrel at him?

Yes. He is the same man, 7 years older. In 2000, he was 37 (and had a higher ERA than this season on a small sample size). If he was pitching worse now, it would be reasonable to assume that it's just because of aging, not because he's a fundamentally different pitcher. But that's just it, Clemens has been BETTER in his 40's than when he was 37. The fact that he's still doing this is unbelievable.

Friday night, Clemens was undone by the smallest, slimmest, sleekest Mets, by Jose Reyes and Carlos Gomez, a couple of kids who rang his doorbell and ran. Between them, Reyes and Gomez combined for five hits, four stolen bases and both runs. Gomez bunted twice for hits on Clemens, and not once was he brushed back, not once was he made to feel that he had offended the new sheriff.

So Clemens pitched bad because:

1) Jose Reyes, who is small and therefore a weak baseball player, got 3 hits off of him, and

2) Carlos Gomez got two BUNT SINGLES, which were Clemens's fault because he didn't throw at Gomez.

Gomez humiliated Clemens, as did Reyes, who twice lined Clemens' only real out pitch, the splitter, for singles, and then rubbed salt in it by crashing a first-pitch hanging curve off the upper deck in right.

When this accounts for literally all the opposing offense in the game, this does not even come close to touching humiliation.

And on the bases, he and Gomez mugged Clemens. In the third inning alone, Gomez stole second, leading to Reyes' RBI single. Then, Reyes stole second and third, only to be stranded by the second of Carlos Delgado's four strikeouts. The only time
either of them tasted dirt was on their headfirst slides.

Last sentence makes no sense. When else do baseball players "taste dirt"?

No mention here of Clemens "humiliating" Delgado. Funny.

"They were running on Rocket and I couldn't do much about it," Posada said.

"Those two guys are fast," Clemens conceded. "Yeah. They're fast."

The same cannot be said of Clemens, whose slowness of delivery is rivaled only by the sluggishness of his fastball. Right now, he is living on the splitter, and on the nights it doesn't split, things are going to get ugly real fast.

Reyes's home run was on a curveball. His two singles were on a splitter. When was the fastball tagged?

Yankees fans better hope. The real fear here is that if his first two starts have shown us just about how good Clemens can be, there are bound to be plenty of starts in which we learn how bad he can be.

Don't bother justifying that, really, it's ok.

And you know more and more teams are going to adopt the approach the Mets used, bunting on the old man with the shaky legs.

Read: More teams are going to be forced to use poorer offensive strategies because they can't hit Clemens very well.

Clemens left the game in the seventh to a mixed chorus of cheers, boos and one large question hanging over him: Does it get any better than this?

Fear the question, fear the answer.

My only fear is that you will never get fired for making absolutely no sense.