more whining and moaning about bill simmons

loyal reader and simmons lover chris hart (and also at least one "anonymous") won't appreciate this. but hey... whatever. the sports guy's latest mailbag is a predictable cornucopia of mediocre analysis, terrible jokes, and one tragic swing and a miss on a pop culture reference (which is sad because pop culture is pretty much the only thing he consistently does well). let's take a look at all three of those problems, in that order:

I did think The Turncoat (aka Eric Mangini) should have been fined for blowing the whistle on Belichick and then inexplicably shaking his hand afterward. Stick to your guns, Mr. Mangineous. If you're going to sell out your old boss during the game, what better way to show your disgust than eschewing the postgame handshake and just walking off the field? What's the point of shaking hands? Hey, great game, congrats on the win. ... By the way, I ratted you out in the first quarter, sorry about that. My dad was more outraged about that two-faced move than anything since the Doc Rivers extension.

1. no one gives a shit about your family, stop bringing them up. 2. everyone knows that no matter how much you hate your opponent, you have to shake hands with them after a game in some sports. tennis players, hockey teams (after the final game of a playoff series), and football coaches have been exchanging frigid grasps of non-congratulations for years. you just can't not do it. it's the way things work.

now for a gosh-fucking-awful attempt at humor.

Q: I hate Nixon because of Watergate -- not because he did something stupid or illegal, but because every time somebody does something stupid or illegal now, "Gate" gets tacked onto the end of it. The Patriots are the latest example with "CameraGate." Everything bad ends with "Gate." I hate it. What if Nixon's burglars had broken into the Ritz Carlton? Would it have been "CameraCarlton" this week? Or "CameraRitz?" I don't think so. The expiration on tacking Gate onto the end of everything expired 20 years ago. I suggest you start a new naming convention for these kinds of stupidities and illegalities.-- Pat P., Dallas

SG: Not until there's a huge scandal at Colgate University. We need a ColgateGate.

no wonder jimmy kimmel's career has never quite taken off. if you think that's funny, you are either the kind of person that loves the comic strip "marmaduke" or such an enormous simmons fan that you're willing to let him get away with anything at this point. and keep in mind, this is a mailbag. it's not like he absolutely had to print that question. he sat down, read through hundreds of emails, decided this was one of the top fifteen or so, thought about it for some period of time, and finally came up with THAT response.

last but not least, the shocking missed pop culture reference:

Q: Don't feel too comfortable with the Moss Era. Remember, in '05, Moss's first game for the Raiders, he blew past your boys, too. Moss is (a) as brittle as an 80-year-old women with osteoperosis, (2) as moody as a 50-year-old woman in menopause and (d) as devoted as a Christina Ricci's character in "Black Snake Moan." So he encompasses all ages of womanhood. Brady might be a "leader", but so was Cris Carter, Art Shell, Warren Sapp, etc., and they couldn't keep him in check. Prediction: Moss will be on IR by Week 8, and you guys will still compete with Brady throwing to your shady sideline camera men as receivers. And the country will still hate all-things annoying and Boston.-- Nema, San Fran

SG: Believe me, I will never be comfortable with Moss. My guard couldn't be more up. By the way, I loved the fact that Nema used "a," "2" and "d" as the headers for his three reasons. Nobody ever said my readers were brain surgeons.

brain surgeons indeed. even i know that's from a monolouge by buzz in home alone, bill. maybe nema should have worked in something from the karate kid or the godfather instead.

look, simmons isn't that bad of a writer. i definitely admit that you can do a whole lot worse. but given his rampant popularity, sometimes i feel the urge to point out that he's often dumb/unfunny/clueless.

peter king vs. one of his readers in a "who is stupider?" contest

from king's latest mailbag on cnnsi.com. as is often the case when i post about mailbags, i have no idea whatsoever why king chose to print this question. i'm just going to assume it was for the enjoyment of readers like me.

KEEPING IT REAL. From David Floyd of North Carolina. "You are a great writer and I enjoy your columns on a regular basis. But I just have to ask you something. When the average American struggles on a daily basis to get by and faces real challenges daily, how is it one should look upon some of your musings? I mean, you've spoken of what a wonderful daughter or two you have, and you probably have just as wonderful of a wife. You live the life probably any man would dream of, covering the NFL and getting paid for it all the while. So when we see you complain about whichever Starbucks is nearby and the price of working out at a hotel gym center, and the cost of parking in Manhattan or hear any of the other rumblings which seem awfully miniscule to the average person trying to get by, what is one to think? Poor, poor pitiful Peter. How about this Peter? Every day you awake and look in the mirror, tell us how you hit your knees and thank your maker for gracing you with such a rich life."

david of north carolina, you are a bonafide douchebag. in the time you spent conceptualizing and writing that email, you could have written a check to the charity of your choice, put it in an envelope, addressed it, and dropped it off at the post office. talk about selfish! but king, never to be outdone, comes up with perhaps the worst possible answer:

I'm really glad you wrote that and knocked me down a peg or two. I need to hear stuff like that sometimes. Thanks for the wakeup call. The reason I told the story about the airfare and parking fare is that I found the comparison insane and I thought that you might too.

so basically... "yeah, you're right david, thanks for the perspective.... but (repeat of complaint). is that not ridiculous?" what a great example of two people talking to each other without communicating. and better still, in this case they are both extremely dumb. high comedy- that's what firejaymariotti is all about!