Maybe I need to turn this blog into a Twitter feed

It sucks.  I mean to post more often than I do.  But often, when I'm about to, I start to think "Well that's not really enough for a post.  I need something better if I'm going to put in all the effort it takes to log into Blogger and stuff."  Which is so dumb.  There is no rule about the appropriate length for a post, and in fact, some of the best posts in the history of this blog have been very short.  But somehow I hit a strange mental block when I want to do a short post.  So, maybe I should switch to @FireJayMariotti and throw in the towel on this blogging game.  Probably not going to happen though.  Sounds like a lot of work to get that whole deal set up and stuff.  (Also, a quick search shows that @FireJayMariotti is available.  If any of you sign up for it after reading this and then try to sell it to me, I will send you a strongly worded email informing you that that was not a nice thing to do.)

Anyways, here are some of the half-baked ideas and quick thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head recently.

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Earlier tonight I was watching Heat-Thunder on TNT.  Reggie Miller is pretty decent in his role as Kenny Albert's broadcast partner, although he certainly talks himself into a corner from time to time.  Tonight he ended up here:

The league has a huge group of very talented small forwards right now.  Of course you've got LeBron and Durant.  And then Paul George belongs in that group, I think. (Pause) And then there's DeMar DeRozan... (trails off)

Easy there, Reggie.  Next time get all the way through your thought before you start speaking it.  George is a fantastic player, but like everyone else in the NBA, he's two steps below LeBron and one below Durant.  And then maybe end your list there, because while DeRozan is having a nice breakout year and is a perfectly decent player, he's significantly worse than George at 1) defense, 2) rebounding, 3) distributing and 4) shooting 3s.

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Pierre McGuire is a useless sideline reporter/sometimes color commentator/penis with a microphone who takes much more away from a hockey broadcast than he adds to it.  But I have to tip my hat to him for his performance during today's Canada/U.S. women's gold medal game.  The number of times he made sure to interrupt Doc Emrick's skillful play-by-play call to inform us that a trip or cross check administered by an American girl to a now-crumpled Canadian girl was completely clean warmed my patriotic little heart.  If there's ever a time to be an obnoxious homer, it's when a gold medal is on the line and your country's team is playing a country whose fans are raging cunts at all times.  The eventual result of the game made my stomach churn and ruined my day, but hats off to Pierre (non-sarcastically) for contributing to broadcast for once in his career.  May the U.S. men beat Canada by 15 tomorrow.

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Spotted earlier today among the front page headlines on ESPN, now relegated to the NFL page:

Older, wiser T.O. says he can still play at 40

Hopefully older, wiser sports fans will soon realize ESPN is a bottomless abyss full of nightmares and cat shit and decide to get their news and analysis elsewhere.  I know that I contribute to their pageviews by going there to find shit to blog about, but I swear, I don't pass through for any other purpose anymore.  If I'm not looking for a Simmons/Easterbrook/Reilly/Keri article to dump on, I'm not going there.  I encourage you to do/not do the same.  Fuck ESPN with a rake.

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Finally, earlier this week, Simmons (fresh off of winning yet another Nobel Prize in economics) put out his annual article about the worst contracts in the NBA.  I'd like to do a full breakdown later, but for now, two brief highlights.  Here's the opening paragraph:

In December, I gave my kids $20 for a toy store trip and they picked out $90 worth of stuff. They had no concept of money. They didn’t know if our house cost $2,000 or $2 billion. So I started making them pay for small things — Starbucks, Jamba Juice, pizza, whatever — hoping they’d slowly understand the concept of worth. I think it’s working. When we attended Monday-night Raw in L.A. last week, I gave them a $100 salary cap on whatever they wanted. They spent

RIVETING. If you want to engage a group of strangers, be sure to start with a story about your kids. Instant entertainment. Good job, Bill. Also, fuck you for giving your grade school-aged kids a $100 allowance for one night.  A night they're already spending at an awesome event.  I'm not going to attack the guy's kids because the irreverence expressed on this blog does have SOME boundaries, but let's just say I question whether that is a good parenting decision.

Finally, the dunk contest has gotten extremely stale.  Bill, use your wondrous powers of genius to save it, please.

My quick fix for 2015: Remodel it into a “Dunk of the Year” contest. Twelve contestants, 12 dunks, America votes on the winner. Your 12 contestants: nine NBA players, two D-leaguers, one street baller. Name it the “Bud Light 12-Pack Contest.” Oh, and if they want to raise the rim to 12 feet or higher for their one dunk, they can do that, too. Anything goes. I’d like to meet the one person who wouldn’t watch this.

So before, it was a dunk contest, but now it'll be a dunk contest.  Brilliant.  WHO SAYS NO?????

Bill Simmons is a horse's ass.

Just a quick reminder

That sportswriters are complete and total fucking idiots.  That is all.

[Late edit: now I'm the idiot for using a bad link, which is now fixed and supplemented.  Still.  WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING MORONS HOLY TIGHTROPING CHRIST]

ESPN now tailoring analysis to overweight people (read: Americans)

Highlights from the Kings/Blackhawks game led Sportscenter tonight.  Very strange, I have no idea why ESPN would acknowledge the existence of the hockey, let alone show highlights of it when they could be hyping up the Heat/Pacers game 22 hours in advance.  The network must be making a play for NHL broadcasting rights soon.  Anyways, Barry Melrose, tell us how the Blackhawks built their 4-0 lead tonight:

Well like I always say, apple turnovers are great, but the kinds of turnovers the Kings committed here are not.

He has a point, apple turnovers are good, but I'm still a little confused.  Maybe this is an extremely obscure joke about Martin Brodeur/Brodeur's wife?  (Credit to Jarrett for introducing me to the wonderful world of fat Brodeur)

Ironic irony, Stanley Cup edition

As the Kings wrapped up their title-clinching victory over New Jersey tonight, NBC's Mike Emrick made sure to throw some nonsense into the moment by trying to sound smart and clever (roughly paraphrased):

The Cup will make its rounds with the members of the team this summer, as every player will have some time with it in the offseason.  Ironically, it was the Devils who started that practice back in 1995!

Chris W is way better with the English language than I am, so I usually GChat him when I come across misuse of irony and ask him to concoct a way in which the situation in question could be modified to be made actually ironic.  I didn't even bother with this one, I don't even know if it's possible.  THE GAUNTLET IS SORT OF THROWN, CHRIS.  DO YOUR WORST IN THE COMMENTS.

As a freshly minted hockey fan, I can't say I have a lot of experience with a variety of play by play guys.  It's really just Emrick, the dudes from NBC's B/C/D teams (from earlier in the playoffs), and my favorite team's booth guys.  But to the extent that I can criticize him from my small sample size of time spent listening to his broadcasts, this is the problem with Emrick--he tries to sound smart and clever all the time, and he's neither.  Which is to say, he pretty much has the exactly same problem everyone who misidentifies/misuses irony has.

Also, one last time, why the hell not:

Nobody captures their identity better than Dustin Penner, their frustrating 6-foot-3 forward who's evolved into something of a whipping boy for the Kings faithful. One of the biggest guys on the team, Penner barely throws checks, much less punches. Every time he wades into the corner and goes through the motions of not hitting someone, you hear this chorus of pissed-off "COME ON, PENNER!" hisses coming from every direction. I always want him to do well, just because it's funny when he scores and the fans instantly flip that switch and pretend to be Penner fans again. But if you're trying to win the Cup? You need less Penners and more Ryane Clowe.

And sure, I'm the one who laughed uproariously at the idea of the Celtics making the NBA Finals, and then they almost did.  But 1) they didn't, 2) I blame Rose's ACL, and 3) I don't get paid to do this so neener neener neener and I hope Bill Simmons falls out of a blimp.

Three months after starting to follow hockey, I know way more about it than noted hockey writer Bill Simmons

That's about as noteworthy as knowing more about sabermetrics than Joe Morgan, or knowing more about hip hop than Tony Kornheiser. In fact it's no more noteworthy than knowing more than Simmons does about anything besides the NBA. Still, after reading a dogshit piece he wrote for Grantland about the Los Angeles Kings, I couldn't help but smirk. I followed the NHL back when I was in middle school, stopped for almost 15 years, picked it back up this January, and could easily recognize that Simmons was talking out of his colon. Never change, Bill. Never change.

The L.A. Kings blew a chance to clinch their division (and a no. 3 seed) Thursday night, losing a shootout at home to San Jose. Those two teams play again on Saturday night, in San Jose, with the winner getting the no. 3 seed and the loser getting the no. 7 seed. (Late note after we posted:

Leitch and Simmons are the same person! Holy shit, it makes so much sense! It's like I just finished watching Fight Club for the first time!

Apparently Phoenix can win the division as well by winning its last two games.

Late note after I wrote this: my editors informed me that I didn't have all the facts correct. There's a first time for everything, I suppose.

I'm not too concerned because, again, it's Phoenix.)

Phoenix ended up winning those games and the division.

None of this really matters because seeds don't matter in hockey -- anybody can beat anybody anywhere at anytime --

Home teams in game 7s in NHL playoff history: 85-55.

but for the die-hards sitting in my section, it mattered for two reasons.

I love his insinuation that any RATIONAL fan doesn't care whether their team is the 3 seed or the 8 seed. It's only those crazypants lunatics who actually want home ice advantage.

1. The no. 3 seed potentially means an extra playoff game (Game 7, no less). Like everyone else who bought Kings playoff tickets, I wanted that extra game. Badly.

Ah, the perspective of the everyman fan that made Bill famous. I DEMAND THE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY MORE $200 PLAYOFF TICKETS! ALSO, DAVID STERN, YOUR REFUSAL TO MAKE SURE TEAMS PLAY THEIR STAR PLAYERS IN EVERY GAME SPITS IN THE FACE OF THOSE OF US WHO GO TO DOZENS OF GAMES A YEAR! I DID NOT BUY THESE CLIPPERS SEASON TICKETS TO SEE DERRICK ROSE ON THE SIDELINES IN A SUIT! A POX ON YOU!

I was rooting for the Kings like they were a Boston team last night.

Sitting in your section must be super fun.

2. I know this sounds impossible, but in 44 years, the Kings have only captured one division title. They even put up a banner in Staples Center for it. Is there a better way to prove your fans have been tortured than hanging division banners,

Lots of teams that aren't 80+ years old do that. I know it's funny to imagine franchises outside of PEDROIA NATION being excited about regular season success, but it happens.

or even worse, having one of those fans say during a game, "We need to get that banner?" (And yes, I heard someone say that last night.)

Lol what's that guy's problem? What is he, a fan?

So last night's battle against the Sharks felt like a de facto playoff game.

What a shock, considering absolutely nothing was on the line.

You can always judge the chippiness of any hockey game by the number of times after a goalie freezes the puck when an opposing forward does the "go an extra couple of feet and abruptly stops right in front of the goalie just in case the puck falls out" move, then at least one opponent whacks him in the face and they do the whole "Hey, what was that????" staredown/shoving/sarcastic swearing routine.

Hockey, explained by a nine year old pro wrestling fan.

The Kings and Sharks did that after just about every whistle.

And then dad bought us popcorn, but I spilled mine, but it was OK because then we got hot dogs.

Late in the third period, with the Kings pressing on a power play and Jarrett Stoll flying up the ice on a two-on-one, the evil Ryane Clowe (a bearded bully on the Sharks who had already scored a goal and won two fights) broke up the breakaway by deflecting the puck with this stick. This wouldn't have been a big deal except, you know, CLOWE WAS SITTING ON THE BENCH AT THE TIME!!!! Did all four referees miss him doing this? Of course they did. After the 75th time they replayed it on the video screen, everyone knew the Kings would lose because that's just how hockey works — when you get screwed over on something like that, there's no bouncing back.

"That's just how hockey works." - some asshole who is a famous sportswriter because of his super sweet Las Vegas bachelor party tips, his reality TV knowledge, and his ability to repeatedly drop the same tired references from the same five or six movies into columns that use sports as a backdrop for stories about his family

Of course, that wasn't my biggest takeaway from Thursday's game. Like always, the Kings got their asses kicked in all three fights. I grew up watching Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, John Wensink, Wayne Cashman, Al Secord and everyone else on the Big Bad Bruins, a team that fought so much, they even climbed into the MSG stands once to fight Rangers fans. The Bruins always know how to scrap; it's been that way for my entire life, and really, you couldn't have it any other way in Boston.

Last sentence sounds like it was lifted from a Dan Shaugnessy column. May you and him both contract Crohn's disease. ALSO: TOM BRADY STOPPED WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS EVERY YEAR, SO HE'S NOT ONE OF US ANYMORE!

So it's been disorienting to watch the Kings keep getting beaten up. Thursday night, Joe Thornton pounded Drew Doughty so relentlessly that we were watching it the same way Apollo Creed's wife watched the Drago fight.

Wait, what was I just saying about repeatedly dropping in references from the same five or six movies?

Was it a coincidence that the Sharks rallied back from a 3-1 hole after winning those three fights? Maybe, maybe not.

"Was it a coincidence that the Sharks rallied back from a 3-1 hole after winning those three fights? Maybe, maybe not." - some asshole who wrote a 4000 word column about how meaningful it was to hear Coldplay rocking a live show on Hollywood Boulevard the evening of the first Jimmy Kimmel live taping

The Kings have a well-balanced team with an outstanding goalie, and they chase the puck pretty relentlessly (at least lately). But you can push them around, and if you want to make a cheap run at Kopitar, Quick or anyone else, you definitely don't have to worry about someone making you pay. After sitting through half of their home games this season, that's their biggest flaw (that I can see, anyway).

Someone with stronger analytical skills might see that the Kings scored the second fewest goals in the league this season and arrive at a different conclusion, but you could be right. Another strong nominee? Too many division championship banners!

For instance, the Bruins

"Let me tell you about my night at the Kings/Sharks game. For instance, the Bruins [robble robble robble]" - some asshole who has about 50 million Twitter followers hanging on his every word just in case he drops a hot gambling tip, and who also routinely finishes under .500 against the spread in picking NFL games over the course of a season

Nobody captures their identity better than Dustin Penner, their frustrating 6-foot-3 forward who's evolved into something of a whipping boy for the Kings faithful. One of the biggest guys on the team, Penner barely throws checks, much less punches. Every time he wades into the corner and goes through the motions of not hitting someone, you hear this chorus of pissed-off "COME ON, PENNER!" hisses coming from every direction. I always want him to do well, just because it's funny when he scores and the fans instantly flip that switch and pretend to be Penner fans again. But if you're trying to win the Cup? You need less Penners and more Ryane Clowe.

Clowe has played his whole career in San Jose. During that time (the last six seasons) they have made the playoffs every season, and twice been the #1 seed in the West. They've also never gotten closer to the Cup than last year's 4-1 conference finals loss. In 2009 they won the President's Trophy and promptly lost in six games in the first round. Not to say it's Clowe's fault or something, I just thought Bill's analysis was funny.

You know who summed it up best? My 6-year old daughter,

Of course she did! I knew we weren't going to get through the whole article without hearing about some poor sap who has to spend time with Bill because they have the same blood.

who has somehow attended a whopping 14 Kings games this season and wants to marry Anze Kopitar. (I wish I were making that up.)

Brendan Fraser is offended on Kopitar's behalf.

We were watching the Zamboni drive around between the second and third periods last night when she suddenly piped up, "Hey, daddy, why doesn't someone teach the Kings how to fight?" Let's hope that doesn't become the epitaph for their 2012 season.

The real story if that ends up happening? Not enough Bruins on the team.

Spell Cranky with Three G's

Homer alert: I was alerted to this blog post by the St. Louis Blues' Forums and it concerns my team. As it has nothing to do with what my team puts on the ice, I feel as though I can approach this unbiased. Which actually means that I'm approaching it with bitterness and hatred. That's what shines through most.

John Grigg is way too pissed off about a marketing gimmick coming right out of St. Louis. But to be fair to him, let's see everything he has to say. Even though he doesn't deserve it.

Yesterday in its daily NHL Today media release, the league giddily announced it had set October attendance records with a per-game average of 17,388 – the first time in history attendance had surpassed 17,000 fans per game during the first month of the season – and a capacity average of 94.1 percent.

And the NHL should giddily announce that people are paying money to watch the sport in this economy. "The Lead" gets more time on the ESPN ticker than hockey does now. The NHL should be very happy.

I’m not going to rail on the league for such pronouncements. Despite the appearance of large sections of empty seats in some arenas, we don’t have any hard evidence to contradict the league’s numbers. In fact, one third-party observer is posting data that supports the NHL’s claim.

Sure, expensive seats may be going unfilled, but those things are sold to companies. And was I ever disappointed with that link joke. Let's start the downward spiral.

But what about the ways teams are trying to put butts in the seats? What are the league’s bottom-dwellers doing to further that cause? Gas and food coupons have appeared in some NHL arenas. And all-you-can-eat sections have popped-up in Atlanta, Boston, Nashville and Phoenix.

For the record, I was in an all-you-can-eat section at a Cardinals game when I was in college and discovered the true use for cargo pants that night. In Nashville - the only all-you-can-eat seats I looked into - it's $55 for an upper bowl seat. That's a little expensive and a little far from the action.

But here’s a new one: The St. Louis Blues – who are seventh in average attendance according to ESPN, but 20th in average capacity and 28th in the standings – will pay your mortgage.

It's because ESPN is using an outdated possible attendance figure to calculate average. Old arena capacity used to be 22,000 and now it's down to 19,150. For some reason, ESPN decided to go with about 21,000 for capacity. And thanks to yesterday's overtime loss, the Blues are now tied for 2nd worst team in the league, and 5 points out of a playoff spot. It's early yet.


Yes that’s right Blues fans, as long as you’re a legal resident of Illinois or Missouri, you can win support payments.

Blackhawks fans are eligible. To break down the offer, one person for every remaining Saturday home game gets mortgage or rent paid for the next four months, up to $1,000. 11 home games left on the Blues schedule means the most the team will have to pay out is $44,000. CNN and TSN have picked up the story, and all five of our news outlets reported it in some fashion. I'm no big city lawyer, but that's $44,000 well spent. But let's see some dope shit all over it.

In what can only be considered a bottom-of-the-barrel ticket-drive scheme, the Blues will draw one ticket during 11 Saturday home games beginning Nov. 29 and pay that person’s mortgage or rent for four months, up to a $4,000 maximum.

Are the Blues really interested in paying up to $4,000 to a person? No. I'm sure they don't care. But why is this a crime against humanity? It's all about ticket sales and the team is all sorts of injured. If this was $4,000 worth of gas, this article would be about fat people in Nashville. They aren't checking to see if they have diabetes, but they're feeding them all they can eat! Put a stop to it!

A novel idea to be sure, but it’s also more than a little insensitive. Whoever decided it would be OK to make light of the dire economic circumstances in the U.S. has some explaining to do to the people really feeling the economic pinch.

You want insensitive? The Blues tried to have an all-you-can-drink section. It lasted all of six hours. Sales of the tickets were started and stopped in the same day. I'm an unemployed blogger with bills to pay, and I think this is a very smart idea. The only person with explaining to do is John Grigg. John, get off your high horse. I'd love to have a job where I can type and get paid. Ideally, I would love to have a job. If somebody is having trouble making ends meet, then odds are they won't come to a hockey game. In fact, they should use that $20 for a ticket and buy groceries with it. Let 11 people get $4,000 and stand off.

It’s not just that the Blues are cashing in on all the ink the sub-prime mortgage crisis has received around the world, they’re doing so shamelessly.

Explain how, exactly. Are they forcefully relocating all Blues fans to Nashville? No, it's a gimmick. It's just like all the Crazy Eddie dressing up like Washington in February to sell used cars.

The promotion itself is called the Fan Bailout Plan – in reference to the controversial $700-billion government economic injection meant to prop up the U.S. economy. And the games are being billed as Fannie & Freddie Mortgage Saturdays – in reference to the U.S. mortgage giants the government took over in September and whose failures are at the heart of the economic crisis.

This is what you've chosen to explain? What the hell? Your readers aren't idiots. They know why the economy is in the shitter. But make every single one of them feel like an elementary school kid by spelling it out. Next week, John Grigg will explain to you why the sky is blue and claim it's insensitive to Red Wings fans.

I, for one, am amazed at the level of insensitivity the Blues are showing. Thousands of American families have lost their homes and the entire world is feeling the effects of the U.S. recession, but the Blues and the NHL seem to think playing off that misery to sell a few extra tickets is a dandy idea.

Also in John Grigg's world, the NHL says yes or no to what a single team decides to do to sell tickets. I still do not see how somebody would look at this and see it as a slap in the face as opposed to a gimmick.

Don’t these guys get it? Don’t they realize such promotions alienate the very people they’re trying to attract. Think about it, if your friend or family member had lost their home, would this promotion make you more or less likely to attend a game? For my part, I’d be more likely to not go to any Blues game with something like this on the go.

Good, then don't come. All you'd do is sit in the stands and bitch the whole time about how people in the upper bowl are segregated from the people in the lower bowl by escalators. If I had a friend lose their place, they would be invited to stay here and then we'd probably go to the game. Maybe they'd win some cash. Probably not. 1/19,150 is pretty bad odds.

When you’re languishing near last overall and not putting enough butts in the seats, maybe any idea seems like a good one.

I think enough butts are in the seats. You said yourself that the Blues are 7th overall in attendance with 18,940. I can look past the fact that ESPN hasn't updated their hockey attendance stats, and that you used that to see they have a poor average. Capacity is 19,150, and diving that by 18,940 is not how you calculate averages. Turn those numbers around, and you'll see the Blues are at 99% capacity. Injuries have hurt the Blues this year a lot and that's why they are where they are in the West.

John Grigg is a copy editor with The Hockey News and a regular contributor to THN.com with his blog and the Top 10.

Hey John, I hope you next mortgage check bounces. And by that, I mean that I hope that you don't have enough money in your bank account so that the transaction doesn't go though, which is what is happening to people everywhere in this country.

On a serious note, I do want to know what everybody else around here thinks about this. Am I just not seeing how this is insensitive?

The Hockey News Bores You Anywhere Now

Using extremely flawed logic, I got a shiny new BlackBerry thinking that one of these interviews I've been on would give me a great new job that I would need it for. All I've gotten so far is The Hockey News application, which let me read this horrible item yesterday.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman splashed cool water on the possibility of expansion this week,

Comma? There's more to this?

but there’s always a chance things will change in the next decade or so.

So why wait? Let's make stupid jokes now.

For the sake of this top 10 list, let’s say another wave of expansion in North America and across the Atlantic Ocean brings the league to 40 teams.

I, Brian Costello, really wanted to write a stupid top ten list. But I'm not creative enough. So I'm going to take my ridiculously stupid idea, and make it even more ridiculous and stupid. Now it's the Beverly Hills Chihuahua of top ten lists!

Sure, the on-ice talent will be watered down, but just think how much scoring would go up.

The idea of anybody thinking and reading this article have gone out the window. Just get to the bad jokes.

Here are 10 nicknames I’d like to see for 10 cities to consider. Just missing the top 10 were the Auckland Golden Seals and the Santiago Gulls.

See, because both the Golden Seals and Gulls were nicknames for teams that played in California/Oakland and San Diego. I wish somebody read this blog in New Zealand so I could find out if there are actually seals there. Somebody will have to write something stupid about rugby that I understand before any Kiwis show up, I suppose.

10. Bratislava Gears. Slovakia’s chief export is machinery and transport equipment.

Yeah, that's all he wrote.

9. Oklahoma City 66’s. It was the first major stop on the original Route 66.

As long as you don't count cities like Chicago, Springfield, IL; St. Louis, Springfield, MO; and Tulsa. But why would you do that when you have a crown city like Oklahoma City?

8. Prague Pils. No country makes a better beer.

Than the Czech Republic? Really? This is also where I remind everyone that I'm from St. Louis and have my own personal beliefs. And if you go on a free tour of the brewery, they give you free beer.

7. Kitchener-Waterloo Black Bears. The area is rife with the little devices.

Then make your stupid nickname joke BlackBerries. Shit. Why was this list made again? Because there is no expansion?

6. Moscow Freeze. Cold and intimidating

No period at the end. Freeze is also Brian Costello's favorite prostitute, for the same reason he likes the nickname.

5. Kansas City Fountains. The city claims to have the second most fountains in the world.

See, I would have gone with "worthless scrotums" here, but that's why I don't get paid to write. They do have a lot of fountains, and the city still sucks.

4. Stockholm Nordics. Quebec’s not using the moniker anymore.

Nobody used this moniker. Except for home fitness machines.

3. Winnipeg Jets. The old logo would need to be spruced up.

This guy had to make a list of these and then rank them to see which one was the best. And this hit #3.

2. Helsinki Formulas. Its players would have the best hairlines in the league.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!1!!! Like the shampoo! The players wouldn't be bald! Best hairlines in the league! As long as you disregard the fact that the IIHF wouldn't let the NHL just put a team anywhere in the world they want.

1. Las Vegas Gamblers. Let’s not try to fool anyone here.

Because every person in Las Vegas has a gambling problem. That's why they would live there.

Can't wait to keep up with this publication all season long. It's only preseason and already it sucks.

At what point does a transplant fan get on Terry Frei's nerves?

[Edit! Thanks, Greg Wyshynski! To everybody coming over from Deadspin, I encourage you to poke around the site a lot more. The Greatest Hits are to the left.]

I have made it no secret that I haven't rooted for every home team ever in my life. I'm a Seahawks fan based primarily on my love for the logo as a three-year-old. But I've stuck with them, through Denver and St. Louis. I've rooted for the Cardinals and Blues while living far outside St. Louis (It's a real shame that Interleague baseball never took the Cardinals/Rangers rivalry deeper.) As a second grader, my brother and I cheered a Blues goal in Dallas. We got flipped off. To this day, it's my favorite classless fan story. So as I sat down tonight determined to find something to augment my next YouTube video post, Terry Frei's article caught my eye.

At what point do transplant fans deserve to get grief?

I'm not saying that visiting fans can't be idiots. But it just sounds like a bee got into Mr. Frei's bonnet because somebody made fun of his team and he didn't have a witty one liner to say back, so he wrote an article instead. Observe!

The fans take the Blackhawks jerseys out of drawers or off hangers. The jerseys might have Jeremy Roenick's, Tony Amonte's or Chris Chelios' name and former number on the backs, because those were the most recent good ol' days. Maybe the fans don't like the new style or the price tag of the jerseys, but they know, at some point, they will update to Patrick Kane or Jonathan Toews models.

I own a Rich Pilon jersey. This guy played eight games in the Bluenote before breaking his wrist and never playing in the NHL again. It was the only sensible alternative to Pierre Turgeon. I also find it unnecessary to determine the interest level of the fan by the merchandise that they own. With teams constantly rolling out third jerseys in the previous years, I find it hard to fault any hockey fan for not running out to buy the brand new RBK Edge jersey. But this article hasn't gotten that bad yet.

Then, they head for the arena, joining friends -- even instant friends they've never met before -- who consider the Hawks and such things as Nancy Faust, Big Al's and the train ride in from Evanston to be parts of their heritage.

As they high-five following Blackhawks goals or merely walk down the concourse, they accept not only the good-natured teasing, but also brave the withering looks, the snide comments, and maybe even a spray or two of beer from other fans.

It was always a thrill to see a fellow Blues fan in Denver. I would at least attempt to egg them on to join me in local tradition or chants to no avail. But I have never witnessed anything as asinine as a 'spray or two of beer from other fans.' Who does that?

They're not in Chicago.

They're in any other NHL arena.

What a twist! I didn't suspect that from the teaser or the headline.

Maybe it's Raleigh or Tampa or Denver or Southern California or San Jose or Columbus or Nashville or … virtually anywhere else. They've paid their $74 per seat or put the first claim in on the company tickets for that game the second the schedule came out.

And, of course, the road team in question doesn't have to be (and usually isn't) the Blackhawks.

I had assumed that it was the Blackhawks in every case. Nothing worse than a drunk Blackhawks fan at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show at MSG, slowly chanting the name of the French Poodle until it shits all over the carpet.

It plays out at virtually every NHL game, especially in the U.S., with the Red Wings, Sabres, Rangers, Flyers, Blues … and on and on. I'm not talking about the affluent Rangers fan who still lives in New Rochelle, taking a California junket to San Jose, Los Angeles and Anaheim for games in late January. I'm talking about the fans who have moved to another market, often out of choice, and take great pleasure in flaunting their retained athletic loyalties to advertise that they're citizens only on the driver's licenses.

How is it that rooting for your favorite team means that you hate the city you live in? I lived in Dallas and loved it. But because I didn't change my favorite team when we moved there, I hated it. So the large amounts of immigrants in the country hate America because they love their country's national team instead of Team USA. What a dolt.

Usually, it involves a franchise with deep roots, but not always, because fan affinity simply can come from picking out a team without geography or tradition as major issues. Maybe someone is the great nephew of the Igloo's original Zamboni driver and despite never having been to Pittsburgh, always has rooted for the Penguins.

Again, I'm a passionate Seahawks fan. My reason for picking the team is stupid, and I accept that. But I follow them very closely and I don't see how I'm such a bad person for going to the game in St. Louis every year wearing as many logos as you can without resorting to Zubaz pants. It's not like I go around punching Rams fans in the face.

Hockey fans often are good-natured, tolerant and accepting of it.

But at what point do the fans of the "other" teams have it coming? At what point do they deserve to get grief?

If the answer does not involve alcohol, he's wrong.

Yeah, sometimes -- sometimes, not always -- the relocated fans of the "other" team might deserve it. When they cross the line to obnoxiousness. When they act as if they believe anyone who actually has deep-rooted affection for the area just fell off the turnip truck. When they act as if their new area's history didn't begin until they did the area the favor of moving there. When they come off as fans who might not even have cared as much about (fill in team name) when they lived in (fill in city) until they moved somewhere else and could flaunt their non-native status. And when they aren't smart enough to at least have an inkling that if rooting for the opposing team seems to reflect any of that, rather than simple and genuine affection for a team, they at least should be self-conscious.

That's when they have it coming.

Who the hell was sitting next to Terry Frei? I will say this about Denver sports fans: there are two types of them in the stands. There are informed fans that know their sport and there are fans that are there because somebody gave them the tickets. And it's painful. But as a transplant fan, you laugh at them, you do not erupt into violent outbursts. As a home team fan, you have to respect that somebody came into your building with the other team's jersey knowing what was waiting for them. But I have never - ever - known of a fan to act like this has been laid out. Drunk fans have it coming when they start insulting you, but even then you have to realize they're drunk. Half the fun of a drunk out-of-town fan is watching the ensuing security/usher scuffle when they get kicked out. That's just the way it is.

It's a gauche, lowbrow, unrealistic view, and I should be both more pragmatic and understanding of the All-American phenomenon. Embracing one team of mercenary athletes over another team of mercenary athletes is not the measure of commitment to a community. I know that. And I should know better.

It's still how I feel.

Oh, well you know you're wrong but there's no reason to change your view. Good thing you kept writing. You know, I don't particularly find the slam dunk to be worthy of a SportsCenter Top 10 highlight, Terry, but I keep watching and just wait until the next number. I don't fire up the Blogger to seethe about it.

Those "visiting team" fans deserve it when they're obnoxious transplants whose retained childhood or family-roots sports loyalties are part of a more aggravating bigger-picture attitude.

That attitude can be summed up as a complete lack of sensitivity or concern about how galling it all can be to natives who in their course of everyday life are reminded at every turn that 87 percent of their metro area can seem to be made up of transplants.

87% of any one metro area doesn't care that much about one particular sport. I would be surprised if you can find 87% of any given metro area that speaks the same language. But they sure can root against the home team!

We're a mobile society. I don't live in my native area, either. There's nothing "wrong" with moving somewhere, whether reluctantly for work reasons or even because you patented the greatest invention in the history of the world (the ATM card) and decided that moving into a Bel Air mansion was the way to go, and then retaining sports franchise loyalties.

But …

It's so aggravating to have to put up with folks who act as if the history of the area, especially when it's an area those folks have chosen to move to, didn't begin until they moved there.

Again, this seems as if one person that Terry Frei ran into acted like this. I'll lay it out like this - Tampa Bay came into being in 1987 and ceased to be in 1991. Because I didn't root for the only local team - the Buccaneers. Who thinks like this? Is there any one transplant fan that you know of that could possible think like this?

Believe it or not, there are some Southern California natives. A few, not many. Some of them are hockey fans who, depending on their ages, grew up on the old Western League Blades or the Triple Crown line or the arrival of The Great One. There are Colorado natives, who not only remember when Wilf Paiement and Barry Beck were the cornerstones of the original Colorado Rockies, but also when Loveland Pass and not the Eisenhower Tunnel was the major way to get to the ski areas or to the Western Slope. There are Bay Area natives whose parents debated who was better, Willie McCovey or Orlando Cepeda, and who went to Sharks games in the Cow Palace. There are Hurricanes fans in the Research Triangle or Lightning fans in the Tampa Bay region who either are natives or decided to sign on and make the emotional attachments to the teams when they arrived.

Got it. So because I'm young AND I don't root for the home team, I'm a fucking moron. Get over yourself. You know who is the rude idiot in this situation? Terry Fucking Frei. I never considered how people got to the ski resorts before the Eisenhower Tunnel was built. So by wearing my Blues jersey to the Pepsi Center, I am pronouncing that Denver and all of the residents of Denver - of which only 13% have a different point of view that I do - can go fuck themselves.

It can seem like there are a lot of transplant fans in your area because instead of buying season tickets to see half a season of games, they get to see two or three games.

How come there are 14.2 million folks who have moved from those, ahem, more traditional hockey markets to Los Angeles or Denver or San Jose or Raleigh or Tampa -- yet there seems to be about 11 (eleven, period) folks who have moved from those "newer" hockey markets to, say, Boston, Detroit or Chicago?

Because who wants to move from Denver to St. Louis? Who wants to leave LA for St. Paul? Who wants to move from Tampa to Detroit? Who would want to live in Detroit period?

Why do folks move someplace, then spend 87 percent of their time bragging about how great the place they left was? If it's that important to them, why not move mountains, so to speak, to move back?

1) The Al-ighty -ollar. A job won't let them. Sorry that the economy moved your job, person from Chicago. Now you have to move to Oakland and root for the Warriors.

2) There are certain things that I miss about every place that I lived (Tennessee excluded). But I certainly don't pine for them during a hockey game.

How come the transplants with retained childhood athletic loyalties don't have any idea about how aggravating they can be? This might be the most significant point of all: They're the most aggravating when their attitudes come with the kicker beliefs that their friends who dare to switch their loyalties to local teams, or have rooted for the local team or teams all along, are saps.

Absolutely, there are fans in Raleigh who root for the Hurricanes -- except for the four times they play the Rangers.

But they're in the minority.

I would say it's more aggravating when a person stays loyal to their own team until the new one finds success, then they switch. But how is that aggravating? Isn't that what a fan is? I have endless loyalty to some of the worst franchises in the history of sport. I would never think of changing these if I were to move.

Again: I will concede there's nothing wrong with -- and it even can add spice to a game -- having good-natured fans of the "opposing" team in the seats, and hearing the teasing go back and forth. To various extents, it's part of the dynamic at every NHL game. Twenty guys wearing the winged wheel, with only Brian Rafalski from Michigan, going against the defending Stanley Cup champions, none of them native Californians, in the Honda Center? That does not set up a test for good Orange County citizenship. This involves selecting one group of mercenaries over another, not moving to one area and refusing to pay taxes or mind the laws because it's not the area named on the birth certificate. This is sports, not life. I know that.

And when did where the player is from enter this? Players also worship the -ollar. They also go through a drafting process that decides where they go unless they are J.D. Drew. If you're a pro, you don't get a choice in where you go unless your childhood team is in the market for what you are.

But: Sometimes they've got it coming.

And sometimes, you realize that you just read something that a man was paid to write. One bad moment in his life has just been poured out in front of all of us, and we had to pay for it in this awful article.

Yeah, transplant fans would be annoying if they were ANYTHING like they are made to act like in this column. But they aren't. I can't imagine that a normal person would ever think that local sports never existed without them there. The best part about mocking the home town is when you know about the past of the franchise and can bring up that the Nashville Predators have a banner celebrating the first time they made the playoffs because they never have won a playoff series. What this whole article boils down to is that one single person made this terrible impression on this writer, and now a giant wave of incorrect stereotypes came flooding down upon the rest of us. This article didn't need to be written, but Terry Frei felt it necessary to tell us why he leads a better life than I do.

I hope he gets moved to Memphis. Enjoy the Grizzlies, assclown.