Presenting: Punchlines That Write Themselves, Vol. 6

Guess who the Reds just hired to help make decisions for them?

I'm so, so, so, SO sorry. Condolences. Your punchlines in the comments.

Presenting: Punchlines That Write Themselves, Vol. 5

The guest on Bill Simmons's latest podcast (which I definitely will not be linking to) is... wait for it...

...

...

...

Chuck Klosterman.

That sounds like such an unbearably self-righteous combination that I might actually have to listen to it. Can you even fit both of their egos into the same room? I'm going to assume Klosterman makes his appearance via phone.

Oops, my fault, I'm supposed to let the punchline write itself. Sorry.

Ironic Irony

I'm sure a lot of you out there were already familiar with this, but I just stumbled across it this weekend. Why, look at that... who's that handsome, mustachioed devil on the cover of "Baseball For Dummies?" I think I'm going to label this as a punchline that writes itself. In fact, it falls so deeply into that category that I'm not even going to let the damn thing write itself. Nothing at all needs to be said about the following image.

Presenting: Punchlines That Write Themselves, Vol. 3

Tony "I Hate Everything" Kornheiser, re: his recent buyout.

"Newspapers aren't dying,'' he said. "They're dead. But was it a sad day when the guys who made the great buggywhips and the beautiful classic carriages saw the first cars rolling off the assembly line? No. It was progress.''

He remembers that event clearly, because he was 33 at the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I rule.

Presenting: Punchlines that Write Themselves, Vol. 2

Ryan Dempster Predicts the Cubs Will Win the World Series

Is God playing MadLibs with Cubs pitchers every year, inserting a random name before a stupid comment? I bet next year Ted Lilly will guarantee a Cub dynasty.

"I think we are going to win the World Series. I really do," Dempster said.

"And [last year] we were close, maybe we need some more guys saying it"

I think you need more guys who are good pitchers. Like - not you, Mr. Career 89 ERA+. Maybe you need more good players instead of more below-average pitchers.

Jeter says hearings "a bad time for the game"

Yeah. You said it, Derek. Those assholes, trying to ascertain the truth about what could be a huge steroid-case - probably even bigger than McGwire, second only to Bonds.

"But it's disappointing for everyone who plays baseball -- not just the players, but the management, ownership, commissioner. It's a bad time for the game."

1. Wait a minute - the managment, owners and commissioners play baseball?

2. When would be a good time, Derek? Maybe, like, in the middle of the Yankees' season? I'm pretty sure, of all the times in the year, early February is a pretty damn good time for a story to come out about the Yankees' past - inasmuch as it's the time when the frenzied media is least likely to fall upon the present Yankees.

3. I'm not sure it's a bad time for the commissioner. I think getting to the bottom of the steroid business might be the only think that can save all of baseball fandom from thinking he's a complete moron.

4. It's not like the game is suffering. MLB revenues crossed $6,000,000,000 this past season - nearly catching the NFL. Derek, 1920, 1972 and 1994 were Bad Times for The Game.

2008 is not a bad time for the game.

And yes, it's a total coincedence that Ryan Dempster and Jeter rank near the bottom of my personal favorite baseball players list.

Presenting: Punchlines That Write Themselves, Vol. 1

So I'm watching "1st and 10," or as I like to call it "Skip Bayless's Fun-Time Happy Half Hour." The panelists start discussing this stupid non-story about Pedro Martinez attending a cockfight in the DR. One of the no-names on the show tepidly compares the situation to Mike Vick and his dogfighting ring. In response, Skip steps up to the plate in Martinez's defense by pointing out that dogs are much different animals than roosters.

"Dogs are considered to have human-like personalities. I mean, some dogs are smarter than their owners!"

How much do you want to bet Skip owns a dog?

(insert laugh track)

I'll be here all year.