WNTMQR: My name is Asshat, Pretentious Asshat.

Writer and International Man of Douchbaggery, Gregg Easterbrook, weighs in on Week 14 of the NFL season:

Stat of the Week No. 2: Since taking the field in January for the playoffs, Green Bay is 5-9 and Jacksonville is 4-10.

Wait, you mean to tell me that two playoff teams from last year ARE NOT having the same level of success this year? No, no I can't wrap my head around that; that's just too crazy to fathom. Next you'll be saying something crazy like in 2007, The Ravens were 5-11, and in 2008 they're 9-4.

Stat of the Week No. 10: The Giants lost, and made the playoffs. The Chargers won, and were all but mathematically eliminated.

Holy-fuck-a-mole. A team that drops to 11-2 is guaranteed a playoff spot while a team that improves to 5-8 will in all likelihood not make the playoffs. What a weird, wild, wacky world we live in.

Sweet Play of the Week: The Ravens offer a mix of great defense, a terrific Division I-AA rookie quarterback, glamorous cheer-babes and innovative play calling. In addition to numerous gadget plays, Baltimore is pulling linemen and emphasizing misdirection. With the game scoreless, Baltimore faced third-and-10 on the Washington 29. The Nevermores lined up trips left, showing pass. The trips receivers ran crossing patterns while tailback Ray Rice took a sprint-draw left -- into the area the trips receivers just cleared -- behind a great pulling block by right guard Chris Chester. A 21-yard gain set up a Baltimore touchdown, and the hosts never looked back.

More than likely, the Ravens ran that play with the hope to pick up at least a few yards to make a field goal more manageable, and if they happened to pick up a first down, then bully for that. What is assured though is if the Ravens get stopped short of the first down on the draw play and kick a field goal, TMQ writes about how stupid it is to run the ball on 3rd and 10.

When he left college, nobody wanted Pierre Thomas; now everybody does.

Pierre Thomas now has exactly 2 games with 100+ rushing yards to his name. I'm sure the Carolina Panthers are wishing right now that they hadn't bought into all that hype behind DeAngelo Williams and wasted a first round pick on him, when he could so easily be replaced by Pierre Thomas.

My Name is Blah, James Blah: We've now endured two movies of the rebooted, supposedly "realistic" James Bond franchise, and at this point I'd like to go back to supervillains controlling outer space death rays. Supposedly, "Quantum of Solace" is "realistic." This film has four scenes in which multiple foes fire machine guns at Bond at close range for extended sequences, and every one of hundreds of bullets misses. Bond in response kills many bad guys with super-accurate long-range single shots from his small-caliber pistol, always while running -- he isn't even bracing the gun with two hands. Though conveniently Bond's pistol is one of those movie guns that never has to be reloaded no matter how often it's fired. Dozens of guys with automatic weapons missing at close range is realism? CIA agents trying to kill an MI6 agent by chasing him in a public place while firing machine guns is realism?

When I go to the movies, I want to see long, drawn out gun battles, where all parties involved take good cover and don't waste ammo by firing while moving/when they're too far away for their weapons to actually be effective. If any gun fight lasts less than 90 minutes, and doesn't end with the losers slowly bleeding to death, and then soiling themselves in their death throes, I don't want to watch it.

In the movie's most absurd scene -- and by saying this I don't mean to take anything away from the other absurd scenes -- Bond is put into an elevator with two MI6 agents assigned to prevent his escape; in seconds, Bond knocks both unconscious on his first punch, and escapes. Prizefighters elaborately train to try to knock people unconscious with one punch

Yeah, that's true Prizefighters seem to have the damnedest time knocking their opponents out with one punch, but maybe it has something to with the fact that they're wearing fucking gloves and fighting against guys who "elaborately train" to not get knocked out from one punch. Also, might I add, it's A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, YOU PRETENTIOUS ASSHAT.

Here's What Happens When You Don't Use Manly Man Tactics: Trailing 14-0 in the first half, Washington punted on fourth-and-2 at the Baltimore 43. After kicking a field goal to draw within 17-3 early in the fourth quarter, the Redskins did not onside kick; they kicked away. Washington was playing one of football's hottest teams. Victories don't come in the mail -- against a superior team, you must take chances!

Easterbrook conveniently forgets to mention that Baltimore immediately turned the ball over to Washington who then quickly scored a touchdown to make it a one score game. Seems as if the football gods (notice my lack of capitalization) favored the cowardly move on the Redskin's part.

"Friday Night Lights" Update: The series is down to its final episodes. In the latest, we see a high school playoff bracket with 32 teams while the voiceover says, "Dillon must win four games to reach the Texas championship." But the actual Texas 5A playoff bracket contains 64 teams; a team needs five postseason W's to reach the state championship. The "Friday Night Lights" gang is so obsessed with relationship talk and longing glances, they forgot to put enough teams in the playoffs!

I think my anonymous friend (let's just call him, Garry G.) sums up my thoughts best:

"This is now officially the worst fucking running item in the column. WE FUCKING GET IT, GREGG. THEY'RE NOT USING A REAL SCHEDULE. MOVE ON."

Well said, Garry.