More level 12 stomach punch level bad analysis of LeBron

It wasn't just a matter of LeBron playing really well.  There are like four other storylines down there somewhere.  Just let Bill scrape around for a few thousand words, he'll find them.

In the postgame presser, he mentioned being happy it played out the way it did, that he needed to "hit rock-bottom" before he could become the player he needed to be. I don't believe this for two reasons. 

1) That doesn't fit with my worldview that there are compelling narratives driving everything that happens in sports

2) CASTAWAY!  THE BACHELOR!  WHO SAYS NO???

First, his jaw-dropping performance in the 2009 playoffs (35.3 PPG, 7.3 APG, 9.1 RPG, .510 FG) strongly hinted that this 2012 bloodbath (30.3 PPG, 9.3 RPG, 5.6 APG, the first player ever to average a 30-9-5 twice in the postseason) was coming. 

How about basically everything he's done on the court for the past 6 or so years suggested this postseason was coming?  He went for 24, 8 and 6 in the 2011 playoffs while shooting 46%.  Some of that scoring deficiency probably comes from the fact that Bosh was hurt for much of the 2012 playoffs. The guy is really, really good and has been for a while.  Stop trying to make it more complex than it is.

His evolution was always headed this way; we just got delayed (and nearly derailed) by 2010's meltdown in the Boston series, then "The Decision," then everything from last year. 

Nearly derailed: no, not at any point.  Sort of kind of delayed: I suppose so, at least in the case of the 2010 playoffs.  Shit you already knew presented as high level analysis: definitely.

Second, I can't imagine LeBron would ever repeat the last 23 months. There had to be better ways to get there. During last night's interviews, we kept hearing the same wistful refrain from LeBron, his teammates and even his coach. The last two years weren't fun. Wearing that big bull's-eye and the black cowboy hat wasn't fun. Being booed wasn't fun, being picked apart wasn't fun, being maligned wasn't fun. 

No fucking shit, Sherlock.  I don't know if he's publicly commented on the subject, but I'd bet a fair sum of money LeBron would like it better if The Decision had never happened.  Other than that, and losing the 2011 Finals, would he change anything from the past 23 months?  Doubtful.

They spent last season battling the collective vitriol, figuring out how to use it to their advantage … and ultimately failing. 

No.  They spent last season getting booed everywhere they went because LeBron is a horse's ass, winning the ECF, and losing in the Finals because Dallas played a little better.  They spent this season getting booed everywhere they went because LeBron is a horse's ass, winning the ECF, and then winning in the Finals because they played better than OKC.  Jesus fucking Christ.

As LeBron admitted last night, it just wasn't him. He wasn't meant to be someone who dunked on opponents and stared defiantly into the stands like a wrestling heel. 

He still did that this year.  I saw him do it, including during the playoffs.  Sorry to ruin your screenplay.  

He lost himself in the process, spent the summer remembering why he liked basketball, rededicated himself, found that same joy … and the rest was history. 

Go fuck yourself.

Even if that sounds like a sweet plot for a sports movie, I'm not buying that LeBron needed that specific sequence to achieve his manifest destiny. 

I'm totally not buying that this off-the-cuff quote LeBron gave without providing much context fully and precisely describes why the Heat won it all this year!  I'M TOO SMART FOR THAT!

Sports would have taken care of that for him. You keep losing the title, you keep going back to the drawing board, you keep trying to get better. Wilt wanted to get past the Celtics. Bird wanted to get past the Sixers. Magic wanted to get past the Celtics. Jordan wanted to get past the Pistons. That's basketball. 

Let's change that to "the best players tend to get better as they enter their mid to late 20s, and then start winning championships."

Eventually, LeBron would realize that losing sucked and spend the summer accordingly. Decision or no Decision. 

/buries head in hands

How is he simultaneously making this both unnecessarily complicated and overly simplistic?

So what actually changed? For one thing, Dwyane Wade injured his knee and became 70 Percent Of Dwyane Wade, inadvertently solving the "dueling banjos" dilemma. The Heat tried to thwart six decades of NBA history by teaming two alpha dogs together, making them equals and assuming their overwhelming talent would overcome any resulting bumpiness. 

After all, it had been a whole ten years since a team with two alpha dogs who were made equals won a title!

They were wrong. Basketball doesn't work that way, 

It has worked that way as recently as 2002.

for the same reason you don't need two transcendent lead guitarists for a rock band.

Because 1) basketball teams in the free agency era are exactly like rock bands, there's a lot of mobility and guys switching teams/bands all the time and such, and 2) there are all kinds of bands out there with two lead guitarists (sarcasm rescinded for metal bands like Slayer and Metallica, who really actually do have two awesome lead guitarists, making Bill double wrong).

Someone had to learn bass. It ended up being Wade, and only because fate intervened. We'll remember Game 6 of the Boston series for a variety of reasons, but mainly because LeBron looked around and said, I'm going down on my own terms. I'm playing all 48 minutes and scoring 50 points. If we lose, we lose. At least nobody will say that I rolled over. It ended up being the most important two hours of his career. He went out and assassinated the Celtics. 

As Slade pointed out in the comments to the last post, this is vintage "the world of sports revolves around THE HUB" stuff.  (More below as well.)  IT TOOK THE LEGENDARY STATUS OF SCALABRINE NATION TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN LEBRON.  HIS UNREAL PERFORMANCE AGAINST DETROIT IN GAME 5 OF THE 2007 CONFERENCE FINALS MEANS NOTHING AS IT WAS NOT ACCOMPLISHED IN THE GAHHHHHHHHDEN.

And that's only scratching the surface. Imagine you're Wade. Imagine you talk Bosh and LeBron into joining YOUR team and living in YOUR city. Imagine that first year going to hell. 

In the movie about the 2010-2011 Heat playing in Bill's mind, they went 38-44, lost by 40 in Cleveland as the crowd showered LeBron with rocks, and were nearly kicked out of the league after the season was over.  In reality, they were a great team that got booed a lot and missed winning a title (and being serenaded by a Simmons article similar to this one, telling everyone a nonexistant story about how they overcame adversity and grew and changed and invented team basketball) by a couple games.

Imagine coming to the begrudging realization that you're only going as far as LeBron takes you, that — even though it's your city, and you're the one who gets introduced last at every home game — you're going to have to wear the Robin costume. By Game 2 of the Finals, everyone is wondering whether you're the same guy you used to be; meanwhile, you've never had to take a backseat on a basketball court before, and that's what is screwing you up more than anything. By Game 5, you're listening to your fans serenade LeBron with "M-V-P!" chants as he holds two trophies like a hunter holding a couple of deer heads. You're standing on the side, just like Shaq six years ago. Maybe that's what he meant by "difficult." 

What he meant by "difficult" is that he's kind of a crybaby, and he's having trouble coping with the fact that LeBron is completely amazing at basketball while he is only kind of amazing, and he just turned 30.

Just know the situation was resolved organically, much like it was during the 2008 Olympics, when Spain was closing in and Kobe said I got this, followed by everyone else letting him have it. That's just how basketball works. You can't have two guys saying "I got this." 

Yes, you are actually right about that.  It's also sad how wrong you are about the idea that you can't have two superstars on the same team and win a title.

Miami figured that out a year late. And if Wade hadn't tweaked his knee, maybe they never would have. 

AND THEN EVERYTHING TURNED AROUND WHEN GORDON BOMBAY WAS FORCED TO COACH THEM AS PART OF HIS COMMUNITY SERVICE BUT ENDED UP TEACHING THEM HOW TO HAVE FUN BUT ALSO WIN AT THE SAME TIME!

The other twist of fate: Derrick Rose wrecked his knee in Round 1, propelling the Celtics into the Conference Finals … 

Wait, holy shit, did he just admit that?  I get that the use of "propelling" implies that it could have happened even with a healthy Rose, but I'm still shocked.

you know, LeBron's nemesis, 

That earlier stuff was just a teaser of the WITHOUT THE CELTICS LEBRON WOULD BE NOTHING horseshit.  Here's the real deal, presented without comment because I don't think anything I could add anything that would make this more hilarious.

the bullies who beat him in 2008 and 2010, the grizzled veterans who were convinced that LeBron would always cave when it mattered most. Garnett and Pierce loved pushing his buttons more than anyone. During their final regular-season road trip to Miami, which turned out to be a surprisingly easy win for the Celtics, they spent the last two minutes busting Wade's balls about LeBron. You picked the wrong guy. You'll never win with that guy. LeBron could hear everything. They didn't care. In Game 5 of their playoff series, Garnett and Pierce pushed things a little further, believing that LeBron was ready to cave again. Down the stretch, Garnett muttered derisive obscenities under his breath anytime LeBron was in earshot, then stuffed him at the rim on a pivotal drive. A little bit later, Pierce nailed a back-breaking 3 right in LeBron's mug, then yelled, "I have the balls to take that!" as he trotted back down the floor.
In retrospect, they pushed him too far. The Celtics regarded LeBron with a surprising amount of disdain — that's why Rondo angrily yelped, "Let's go!" before defending LeBron's final drive of regulation in Game 2. LeBron ended up settling for a 21-footer against someone seven inches shorter than him, followed by Rondo strutting back to the huddle and probably telling his teammates, "I knew he didn't have the balls to come at me." They spent that whole series challenging his manhood; by the end of Game 5, they thought they had broken him. Was that what turned him into a serial killer in Game 6? Not entirely … but it definitely helped. I just don't think LeBron makes LeLeap without the bullies from Boston.

Yeah. Fuck.