Even for Rick Reilly, this is a total pile of ass

I browse through Rick's ESPN column from time to time. Usually don't bother blogging about him because 1) most of his columns are more or less identical 2) super extra low hanging fruit, etc. and 3) you know what? Fuck Rick Reilly. This week, though, he decided to take an ultra-controversial stance and claim that fans should root for the Mavericks to prevail over the South Beach LeBron James All-Star Pussyfaces in the NBA finals. And I read it and said to myself "Why the hell not blog about it? Maybe he'll put in a couple paragraphs about how WACKY golf is too."

Pull for Dallas because it got screwed in the 2006 Finals worse than Bartman.

See, this is the kind of writing talent that has landed Reilly 27 sportswriter of the year awards or whatever the hell he's got. How Bartman got screwed: did something relatively innocuous while attending a baseball game. Was accused by knuckle-dragging Cubs fans of being the reason they lost a game even though there were plenty of other more significant reasons for the loss. How the 2006 Mavericks got screwed: by shitty/obviously biased officiating. Does comparing those two to one another make sense or what?

To lose to the same team five years later would be tantamount to basketball waterboarding.

2007 wants its waterboarding reference back. I'm also pretty sure the Mavericks don't give a shit that they're playing the Heat again. It's not like that's going to amplify the pain for them should they lose. "A loss to the Bulls would have been disappointing but acceptable. But to lose to this team? Which has turned over its entire roster since 2006 except for Wade? It's... it's tantamount to being put in a basketball pillory, really."

Pull for Dallas because Mark Cuban hasn't opened his mouth once.

Rick Reilly making a snide remark about Mark Cuban being a loudmouth is like me making a snide remark about Chris W being a nerdy sports blogger who lives in his parents' basement.

Pull for Dallas because Nowitzki stayed with his team, never took his talents anywhere but to the damn gym every day.

That last part is so faux-profound. My mind is blown. HEY LEBRON WHILE YOU WERE BUSY TAKING YOUR TALENTS EVERYWHERE BUT THE DAMN GYM, DIRK WAS TAKING HIS TALENTS TO THE DAMN GYM.

Pull for Dallas because Nowitzki has stuck it out through 13 seasons so far with this one team, stuck it out through all those depressing playoff springs, all those one-and-dones, all those words people called him -- "loser" "choker" "soft" -- stuck it out even when Steve Nash left, leaving Nowitzki with a lot of nobodies and some mops.

Let's be fair- Erick Dampier was WAY less useful than a mop.

Pull for Dallas because when you ask Nowitzki why he didn't bolt the way everybody else does, he simply says, "Because this is where my heart is."

Classic Reilly- FREE AGENCY IS RUINING EVERYTHING. Anyone who has ever voluntarily left their team is a scumbag responsible for the end of all that is good in pro sports and probably SARS too.

Pull for Dallas because Nowitzki didn't try to win a title the new way, didn't pick the best kids on the playground and take on everybody else, didn't get a bunch of super-human friends and schedule himself a ring, like you might a kegger or your birthday party.

Right, because only three people have ever done that, ever. And by the way, Rick: 97% of the people reading this article already hate those three people.

Pull for Dallas because Nowitzki has this crazy idea about trying to win one the old fashioned way, by getting better.

Barf.

Pull for Dallas because James is so heaven-sent talented that he'll get more than his share of rings before he's done.

But not the old fashioned way, not by getting better! He'll win his by getting WORSE, and then manipulating the salary cap to get Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, Michael Jordan, and Jerry West on his team.

Pull for Dallas because Nowitzki is much closer to done than starting now.

A sentence that ends with a dangling adverb certainly.

Pull for Dallas because Kidd is the guy everybody likes,

Everyone except his ex-wife, amirite amirite amirite?

/shows self out

Pull for Dallas because it doesn't do pre-championship celebrations. Dallas has this crazy notion that you should actually hold the trophy in your hands before you throw the parade. Wouldn't it be nice to give them one?

Ah yes, Dallas, known to be home to some of the most reasonable and rational fans in the country.

Pull for these Dallas Mavericks because the way things are going, the Dallas Cowboys may never win a title again.

If we're lucky!

Pull for Dallas because it's not about The Decision. It's about one team taking the easy way to a title and another team taking a way that just keeps getting harder.

Described by prose that just keeps getting purpler.

Pull for Dallas, because, my God, how many good things can happen to Pat Riley in one lifetime?

Huh?