Monday, February 14, 2011

The last time I bothered to read TMQ

It was mid-November. And after that I was like "fuck this." Well now I'm saying un-fuck that. Let's see what he has to say about the Super Bowl. Surprise! He's still a self-contradicting mental midget.

Safety Nick Collins cut in front of an underthrown Ben Roethlisberger pass, made the interception and weaved his way to the end zone; suddenly, the Green Bay Packers led the Super Bowl 14-0. It was the third consecutive postseason contest in which Green Bay returned an interception for a touchdown. There were three interceptions returned for touchdowns in the 2011 postseason, all by Green Bay, and the playoffs end with the Packers as champions. That is no coincidence -- because the pick-six is the most devastating play in football.

Gregg has stated dozens of times that a fumble on the kickoff is the most devastating turnover in football (which certainly precludes a pick-six from being the most devastating play). When? Well you could start by looking here, here, or here. I don't care about him contradicting himself because I'm looking to nitpick. I care because this is shitty writing. It's plenty sufficient to say "pick sixes are really really bad and teams that get them usually win." You don't have to get all hyperbolic and dramatic to make your point. Just stop being so fucking bad at writing. That's all I ask.

Any type of touchdown counts for the same number of points. But the interception-return touchdown has greater psychological impact: The offense has worked, worked, for field position

The line of scrimmage for Collins's interception return was the Steelers' own 7.

and, suddenly, a defensive player is sprinting in the opposite direction to the end zone. That's like a giant foot stepping on the mindset of the team surrendering the pick-six.

That's like a giant megabucks glory boy first round draft pick foot stepping into the undrafted twice-cut small college mindset of team surrendering the pick six.

And a fumble returned for a touchdown has great impact. But football players and coaches know that fumbles occur largely by chance -- even the best players fumble -- but an interception returned for a touchdown signals a breakdown of performance and tactics.

For saying that, you are the stupidest person I know who receives a check to write about football. The stupidest. Congratulations, Don Banks! You're off the hook.

The quarterback should not put the ball where it can be intercepted.

The running back/receiver should not put the ball where it can be dropped or stripped. And yet it happens.

The coaches should not draw up plays that are vulnerable not just to interceptions but to the intercepting player having an open field.

I'd be shocked if any offensive coordinators considered that when drawing pass plays. "OK, great, so this guy coming across the middle should be open, and better yet, when Grossman throws the ball directly into the safety's chest, we'll have three guys there ready to tackle him!"

A fumble returned for a touchdown might only mean bad luck;

Usually it means bad ball protection and sometimes it means lack of awareness that the ball is loose on the part of offensive players.

an interception-return touchdown always means a serious screw-up by the offense.

Except in the event of a tipped pass, a desperation 3rd and long heave when a team is trailing, a DB making a bad play by gambling for the pick and guessing right (I'm looking at you, Asante Samuel). Holy ballsack. If you're a professional sportswriter who thinks pick sixes "always" mean a serious screw up by the offense and that fumble return TDs are just a bit of bad luck aw shucks, you should lose your football watching privileges forever.

The pick-six is the most devastating play in football. Mastery of this play -- the Packers returned five interceptions for touchdowns overall this season -- is a core reason the Lombardi trophy is on its way back to Lombardi's town.

No team has a greater mastery of interception returns than any other, I promise you. Certain players? Sure. You just can't go out there and practice putting everyone where they will be when a pass gets picked. And you don't need to encourage defensive players to go block the shit out of offensive players after a turnover happens. They're more than happy to do that at any opportunity.

And Green Bay's result raises the question of whether coaches should be less concerned with sacks on defense, more concerned with creating interception opportunities as a matter of game planning.

Those two things... are related... did you even watch the Collins play... two Packers... hitting Roethlisberger as he threw... helped cause the underthrown pass... that kind of thing happens all the time... no?

/Larry B bangs head against his coffee table until passing out

OK nevermind. Re-fuck this. I can't do any more. Time to fire up the "John Kruk is fat and stupid" article template- baseball's back!


Tonus said...

Gregg is like the master of hindsight. I heard that he was in Vegas, two hours after the game was over, trying to lay bets on the game.

Chris W said...

IIRC The Ravens are pretty good at turning turnovers into touchdowns, but that's probably just a result of Ed Reed being awesome.

Tim N said...

I thought punting on 4th and 12 from your 28 was the most devastating play in football.


Chris W said...

Well, at least Gregg isn't TLR

akakhawk said...

Please tell me you've read his latest piece of dreck - reviewing incorrect predictions.

He writes "Cris Carter predicted Dwayne Bowe would be the "breakout" player of the year. Perhaps he meant to say "shutout," as Bowe had no receptions in Kansas City's home playoff loss."

Didn't he also have 15 touchdowns this past year after catching 16 in the previous three? I would consider that a breakout season, fuckwad

cs said...

I really can't understand how this man has a paid weekly column to write about football. I think he played O-line in high school, and he coaches his son's middle school flag football team. I mean, those are credentials?

Plus his writing is horrible. It's so poorly put together, so stiff, and just reeks of doofus.

Chris W said...

Me and Larry B were talking about this on G-Chat, how Gregg is trying so hard to be the smartest guy in the room but he's so bad at it. This Pick Six shit takes the cake. He takes an obvious statement--"Pick Sixes are bad"--embellishes it with hyperbole so that he can try to own the thought--"They're the worst play in the game"--and then analyzes it with the in-depth knowledge of a 2 year old.

It would be like a meteorologist saying, "For my money, a hurricane is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a coastal town BY FAR. The reason being that a hurricane exposes the city's poor planning in building levees and also the water in floods can contain pollutants."

"Although tornados can be devastating, Hurricanes are predictable meteorological phenomena which makes their impact worse, since tornados can't possibly be predicted"

cs said...

Exactly. And the whole never punt on 4th down is another "take an idea and push it to its illogical extreme." The debate is fun, no question. The debate. Not 326 consecutive weeks of here's this one isolated example that sort, of kind of but often times not really proves my point.

And then he always ties in this extreme view that all head coaches (and he extends this to politicians, CEOs and other figures in authority) are always covering their asses. I fucking hate this. Anytime a coach kicks a field goal and he's down by more than a score, he's a selfish, overpaid asshole who is just trying to throw his team under the bus. Gregg needs a Clockwork Orange moment. Lock him in a room with Herm Edwards' You Play... to Win... the Game clip on loop.

rich said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TMQ said...

Hey guys, if you thought my last article was good, check out this week's. I talk about how injuries to key players typically lead to teams performing worse.

I also asked Jeremy Stevens what type of cup he used, but he refused to talk about it! Millions of HS boys' balls hang in the balance! He should be forced to disclose what type of jock supporter he's using!

The final 10,000 words in my upcoming TMQ is a love letter I wrote to Tiffany, a cheerleader at hot coed University. She says she likes to be handcuffed to the bed and beaten with a belt, kind of fits in with her "trophy wife" major.

Jeff said...

Maybe this is a little over the top, but does anyone want to help me beat the TMQ up? Just a little bit. We'll have to make sure his sons aren't around, they sound big.

Chris W said...

jeff, please post more @ good guy at sports. Also I will kneel behind gregggggg while you push him over if you want

cs said...

And when he's on the ground, I'll pee in his face. Yes?

Anonymous said...

hes probably just another liberal obama loving chumwad. these media dicks are the reason we are in this mess in the first place. america will rebuild people but not until we get these kind of people out of our heads and out of office. our forefathers builtthis nation with their own blood and sweat. and they wrote the constitution too!!! easterbrook is a direct result of government idiocy. greed and waste people!!!