Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Tim Povtak owes his readers a refund

The following piece of garbage comes from Tim Povtak, Senior NBA Writer for Fanhouse.

Lebron James Owes Fans A Refund

LeBron James today needs to take the $192,437 he is paid for each game he plays -- or doesn't play -- and divide it evenly among the 20,562 people who bought tickets to the Cavs-Magic game Sunday afternoon.

He owes them each a refund check for $9.35.

Woah, woah, woah! $9.35 barely begins to cover the cost of floor seats. This is just another example of the rich getting screwed in Osama bin Barack Obamaladen's America.

That's the least he should do for mocking every fan at the arena who paid to see him play.

I really like to imagine that the "mocking" in question is that every fan sat down to find they'd just activated a whoopie cushion. Or Lebron went around shaking everyone's hand and then spraying them with water out of the gag-flower on his lapel. But sadly, that's not the case.

Cavs ownership that encouraged him should pay the rest of each ticket price, and mail those checks immediately.

No they shouldn't. That'd be a very dumb business move.

James, with the blessing of coach Mike Brown, sat out his third consecutive game Sunday, not because he was hurt, but because he wanted to rest up for the playoffs.

HOW DARE LEBRON WANT TO BE IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION FOR THE PLAYOFFS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

Joe Hardhat, who paid a day's wage three months ago to buy two good seats so his son could see his first Cavs game Sunday, deserves better treatment than this.

This is probably how Tim Povtak imagines the situation:

INT. LEBRON JAMES' HOME - DAY

POVTAK and LEBRON JAMES walk through an auto-parts testing line that's in Lebron's house for some reason.

POVTAK: But Lebron, you can't skip Sunday's meaningless game against Orlando! Joe Hardhat bought tickets for him and his son.

LEBRON: What's that catchphrase I have? "I play basketball games for the American working man because that's who I am, and that's who I care about." The truth is, I play basketball for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better.

(A car with with CRASH TEST DUMMIES slams into a wall)

LEBRON: God, I love that.

It's arrogance at the NBA's worst.

If Lebron skipping that game was even in the top 10 of most off-putting self-aggrandizing moves by NBA players on that day, I'd consider it a giant leap forward for the league.

It's why James never will earn the respect that was once given to Michael Jordan. Maybe James should think again about that number change to honor him.

Yes, Michael Jordan: paragon of commitment. He was so devoted to the NBA that he un-retired TWICE after leaving the NBA before the game had past him by.

It's why he just lost my vote for NBA Most Valuable Player. If he doesn't think it's important enough to play all 82 -- or at least try -- then he isn't good enough to be the MVP.

MVP apparently now meaning "Most Voluntarily Played (games)."

If stars like James think it's too taxing to play 82 games, then they should offer to reduce salaries during the upcoming collective bargaining talks, and ask to play fewer games. Or set up a refund system.

You are a lunkhead extraordinaire. Cleveland management is more than willing to pay Lebron to sit out meaningless games if they think it's likely to increase his performance in the playoffs. Moreover, I'm sure Cavs fans feel the exact same way. In fact, the only people who might be peeved about this situation are the fans of opposing teams, who Lebron has no obligation to please.

James wants to be treated like the game's best player, but he doesn't want to carry the responsibility that comes with it. Fans don't buy $100 tickets to watch him sit in a nice suit, chatting up Shaquille O'Neal on the sideline. O'Neal was recovering from a broken thumb. James was stealing money.

Another thing I like to imagine: Lebron James stealing the money out of O'Neal's wallet.

Feel sorry for the guy in section 118, row F, seat 6 who watched Jamario Moon get introduced in the starting lineup.

Yes, it's a bummer for that guy. It'd also be a bummer for Cleveland fans if the Lebron got hurt during a game that had no bearing on the Cav's season.

Although he likes to think he knows NBA history, he must not. The greatest thing about Jordan was that he played every game he could.

Except when he was playing baseball.

He loved the game, and he respected the fans, something James hasn't learned just yet.

Jordan is a noted asshole to fans. Just ask Chamillionaire!

Apparently, James never watched the old school guys like Karl Malone and John Stockton in Utah, who combined to play every game a whopping 27 times in their careers.

And won a whopping 0 NBA titles.

Magic center Dwight Howard takes more of a pounding than anyone in the league

Dwight Howard for "Most Valuable Pounding!"

James has yet to finish a season by playing in all 82 games, which will be a clear mark against him when he is judged against the all-time great players in NBA history. Does he really respect the game?

Lebron, you've got a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous! Completely ridiculous! Can you believe this character? Way out of line! Way out of line! Have a good mind to go to the commissioner about this. You know what hurts the most is the...the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's all good. I got my refund checks from both Brees and Manning the other day. Brees not only covered the cost of the ticket, but also the gas, parking and food I bought at the game.

Chris W said...

Dude covers the Magic. What do you expect?

Larry B said...

This is one of the more absurd articles I've read in a while. Joe Hardhat is a douche and I hope his car got towed while he was in the arena moping about LeBron.

Tonus said...

It's arrogance at the NBA's worst.

Good god, someone send this idiot back to writing class.

Also, if James had played in that game, gotten hurt and missed the playoffs, I'm sure his article would be about how James and the Cavs should refund the cost of playoff tickets for being so dumb.

Tonus said...

Also...

Magic center Dwight Howard takes more of a pounding than anyone in the league

Yeah, Dwight said that it's awesome when "the guys are hammering my ass" after a big play.

Adam said...

So I guess by this logic when LeBron eventually leaves the Cavs, all tickets should be free!