Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How Not to Write an Article: List Edition

It gets pretty hard to write articles. You have to sit down at your job - which pays you to write articles - and come up with a story line. Just one idea, even. Brian Costello of The Hockey News just can't handle the pressure of a deadline and instead just gives up.

Yanic Perreault, where did you go?

Kevyn Adams, where did you go?

Chad Kilger, where did you go?


Google came up with nothing on Yanic Perreault, Kevyn Adams as a player-agent as announced on January 6th, and Chad Kilger's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.

So much about NHL hockey revolves around the here and now that it’s easy to forget the players who are not back with us this season.

We make a big deal, for good reason, about the retirements of the big-name players such as Dominik Hasek and Trevor Linden. And did anyone not read enough headlines of the pending retirements/comebacks of Scott Niedermayer, Mats Sundin and Peter Forsberg?


In Brett Farve perspective, not in the least.

But whatever became of Richard Matvichuk, Scott Thornton and Martin Lapointe? How about Glen Murray, Geoff Sanderson and Dick Tarnstrom? I haven’t seen the names Mark Smith, Jim Dowd and Aaron Miller on any NHL rosters this season. Dallas Drake? Sandis Ozolinsh?

OK, now you're just naming people. That's not really constructive.

Some players retire simply because their time has come. Others never play again because, as seasoned veterans in a salary cap world, they don’t fit in anymore for a variety of reasons. But we salute you all for worthy careers that effectively evaporated before we had a chance to formally recognize them.

Is it necessary to formally recognize every player that retires? All they did was not play anymore.

Every year in the NHL, more than 100 players make their big-league debuts. For some, it’s the start of something huge. For most, it’s just an NHL cup of coffee along the way to maybe something more next season.

I bet you anything that the NHL uses that awful Douwe Egberts that my college cafeteria had.

But if 100-plus players are making their debuts, many dozens of players have been phased out, never to be heard from in the NHL again.

Or perhaps they are sent back down to the minors after being called up on emergency conditions and will be back up when they're actually ready.

It’s actually a staggering list. You don’t realize the volume until you start jotting them down. Here’s a long list of NHL regulars in seasons past who are either playing in Europe or the minors this season. Apologies to those I’ve forgotten. If we don’t see you back in the NHL, thanks for the memories. We hardly knew ye.

And if we do see you back in the NHL, then you have to tell The Hockey News why you didn't retire and have a big party in your honor. Let's see this list.

Bates Battaglia, Jason Ward, Mike York, Petr Nedved, Patrick Traverse, Marcus Nilson, Branislav Mezei, Kris Beech, Vitaly Vishnevski, Ladislav Nagy, Steve McCarthy, Brad Isbister, Nolan Pratt, Bryan Berard, Curtis Brown, Sergei Brylin, Sean Hill, Jeff Cowan, Jon Klemm, Martin Rucinsky, Mathias Tjarnqvist, Josef Vasicek, Scott Parker, Peter Schaefer, Jeff Jillson, Mike Johnson, Randy Robitaille, Trevor Letowski, Shawn Bates, Andrei Zyuzin, Jan Hlavac, Nolan Baumgartner, Rory Fitzpatrick, Eric Boguniecki, Steve Kelly, Josh Green, Keith Carney, Alexei Zhitnik, Patrick Thoresen, Jed Ortmeyer, Brandon Bochenski, Joe Dipenta, Mark Hartigan, John Pohl, Jozef Stumpel, Martin Straka, Bryan Smolinski, Jaroslav Modry, David Vyborny, Martin Gelinas, Branko Radivojevic.

...and that's the end of the article! Well, thanks for coming out, it's been a blast!

What? You were expecting more than just a long list? Well go piss up a rope, Eileen. This is The Hockey NEWS, asshole, not The Hockey Exhaustive Research Into What Players Are Doing or Where They Are Playing.

There's no method to the list, it's just names. So what was the point of that? How about the list of the 100 new players in the league that replaced this list? Maybe we have to wait another week...

And now, in honor (honour?) of the kickstart of the 2009 AFL season, I will now attempt to copy and paste the most recent lineup of players for the Hawthorn Hawks, defending champions of Australian Rules Football's Premiership.

Max Bailey, Jarryd Roughead, Jordan Lewis, Rick Ladson, Sam Mitchell (captain), Mark Williams, Michael Osborne, Xavier Ellis, Chance Bateman, Clinton Young, Brad Sewell, Simon Taylor, Grant Birchall, Luke Hodge, Beau Dowler, Beau Muston, Brent Guerra, Mitchell Thorp, Tim Boyle, Ben McGlynn, Travis Tuck, Lance Franklin, Trent Croad, Ryan Schoenmakers, Liam Shiels, Stephen Gilham, Thomas Murphy, Campbell Brown, Stuart Dew, Josh Kennedy, Cyril Rioli, Brent Renouf, Jarryd Morton, Jordan Lisle, Brendan Whitecross, Luke Lowden, Robert Campbell, Shane Savage, Garry Moss, Tim Walsh, Matt Suckling, Will Sierakowski, Cameron Stokes, Riley Milne, Hayden Kiel, Luke Breust, Carl Peterson

It's not another Brian Costello article, but an incredible simulation! Where's my dollaridoos from The AFL News?

4 comments:

Tonus said...

This just in: each year, a bunch of shitty hockey players retire. Film at... never.

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese said...

Rory Fitzpatrick is out of the NHL? Now he'll never be an All Star!

Bengoodfella said...

First off, as always, I love hockey posts. Second, what the hell kind of article was that? I am not sure that even counts as an article.

Players retire every year, it doesn't matter because 90% of them sucked anyway. That should have been the point of the article.

Alex said...

What ever happened to Bill Derlago?