Quick Peter King Update

Thanks to reader Erik for alerting me to the fact that King is always writing ridiculous bullshit, even during the offseason. Neither of these items from last Sunday's column really requires a lot of analysis. Just soak them in.

I think we need to let Matt Leinart live his life and not freak out when photos show up of him in a hot tub with four bikini-clad girls. Tell me something: What's wrong with a very eligible bachelor hanging out with attractive girls (apparently very much of age) in a hot tub some night early in the offseason? I heard a TV person call the photos "disturbing.'' Why is it bad for Leinart to be photographed with four pretty girls in a hot tub, doing nothing but smiling for the camera?

I haven't seen the picture. I bet not everyone's hands are visible, though. Dick joke.

Now, I guess it's not the best image to have Leinart, in another photo, delivering a beer to a girl in one of those college funnel-type apparatuses, but again, tell me what there is to be outraged about? Is there proof that any of them are 17?

Well, no, I guess not. The ol' "But officer, she told me she was probably 18" defense. Peter King, you are a creep. I think it's worth pointing out that with his loose-living ways and seemingly friendly, down-to-Earth, good ol' boy personality, Leinart has a lot in common with a young Brett Favre. No wonder King is rushing to his defense.

Had a moving movie experience the other day at an IMAX theater in New York. I saw U2 3D, the three-dimensional film of a U2 concert in Buenos Aires in 2006. If you like U2, and you're within an hour of a 3-D theater somewhere in the world and the movie is still playing, you simply have to go. For $16 (or whatever it costs where you see it), it's the closest thing -- damn close, really -- to actually being in the middle of a pulsating crowd with Bono wailing out, Where the Streets Have No Name, with your leg bouncing up and down. Incredible. Bono's in your lap. The bouncing crowd, jumping up and down, is all around you.

In Erik's words, Peter is really "sexing it up" here. Personally, I'd rather Bono not be in my lap.

Billy: Still The Shittier Ripken Brother

Cal and Billy have a show together on XM. Now, I have to confess that I've never listened to said show. But I did hear Billy appear as a guest on Buck Martinez's show this morning, and given some of the things he said, I think it's fair to assume his talent as a radio personality lags just as far behind his Cal's as his baseball playing ability used to.

Re: the Royals, Orioles, and Marlins and their hot start:

They've just been playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. That's what you like to see.

Excellent point. That's as good as reason as any I can think of. I mean, why did the Patriots go undefeated during the regular season last fall? By playing good, solid, fundamental football. The New Orleans Hornets and their surprisingly fantastic season? You guessed it. Good, solid, fundamental baseball. I mean basketball. The 1927 Yankees? Yup. Meanwhile, elsewhere in baseball, this kind of logic can be used to explain why certain teams are struggling. I hear the Tigers have been throwing opposite handed and trying to hit with bowling pins, fluorescent light tubes, and anything else they can find that might be hilariously misused as a bat. The Astros' position players have been doing dizzy bat relay races in the clubhouse tunnel before taking the field every inning. The Nationals won that exciting game first (domestic) game of the season two Sundays ago, and then specifically said to themselves, "Alright, guys. We got that first win under our belts. So we're done playing good, solid, fundamental baseball. Just bullshit from now on."

Re: What he would say to his players, were he the manager of one of the above-mentioned unexpected division leaders:

You know, I'd tell them, just keep on rolling with it.

I mean, I know managers don't really do that much, but, uh... I think you'd probably want to offer your players a little something more than that. How about "I like the way we've been playing, but we can't assume the whole season is going to be this easy. Don't let this go to your heads." Or maybe "God damn it, if you assholes build up expectations too much, it's going to cost me my job when we finish 67-95 anyways. How about we take it easy for a few games." But I guess going with the same thing you'd usually shout at a jam band rocking out on stage is acceptable too.

Re: Detroit's slow start:

Anytime you get off to a slow start, that's going to sting you early.

Consider yourselves stung early, Tigers fans. Yes, it's analysis like this that earned Billy the nickname "Fuck Face". Don't worry, the link is SFW. (Does anyone have one of those? I bet my friend Adam, who loves the Orioles and whose nickname also happens to be Fuck Face, would give you a lot of money for it.)

Oh, and I was about to end the post, when I remembered that later in the afternoon I heard Rob Dibble say something along the lines of:

Join us for "The Show" tomorrow, when we discuss the impact injuries are having on early playoff races.

I'm not saying every game doesn't count. Just ask the 2007 Phillies, Mets, Rockies, or Padres. But really, should we be talking about injuries in that particular context on April 10th? The question is not rhetorical. The answer is: Maybe. Probably not. Definitely not. Rob Dibble, and the producer who wrote that teaser for him, are silly geese.

I'm just a simple caveman

Wow, this place has been buzzing with activity lately. Looks like the new guy is gonna have to step things up, with some help from Bill Shaikin. There's nothing too horrible in here, so I'm going to cherry pick.

Torre, Yankees Have the same goal

Oh, you mean like winning baseball games?

They had quite a run together, the kindly old manager and his kid boss -- that's boss with a small "b." Joe Torre and Brian Cashman ran the New York Yankees together for a decade, smiling in World Series championship parades, shrugging off bellicose challenges issued in statements under the name of Boss George Steinbrenner.

Bellicose? Hey Bill, this is the sports section, tone it down a little bit. We get it, you've got great vocab.

Cashman was 31 when Steinbrenner tapped him as the Yankees' general manager in 1998. For the first time, Cashman's manager is someone other than Torre, but a deep friendship cultivated over so many years did not evaporate when Torre joined the Dodgers.
"I just hung up with him five minutes ago," Cashman said from his New York office last week.

"Because I wanted him to know it was still his fault that we've been signing every ancient, past-his prime veteran we can get our hands on for the past 7 seasons."

The men could meet again in October, a World Series story line waiting to happen. Certainly, the Steinbrenners and the McCourts have put up the money for a winner: The Yankees' payroll tops the American League, the Dodgers' payroll ranks second in the National League, behind the New York Mets.

Yet for all those bucks -- $209 million for the Yankees, $119 million for the Dodgers -- the playoff fate of both major-market franchises rests largely with kids each making less money than Dodgers pinch-hitter Mark Sweeney.

The Yankees' pitching depends on Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Joba Chamberlain. The Dodgers' offense depends on Matt Kemp, James Loney, Russell Martin, Andre Ethier and maybe Andy LaRoche or Blake DeWitt.

This is cutting edge stuff. It's true, all of those players will in fact play a role in determining if the Yankees and Dodgers win. There will also be many veterans doing the same thing.

The Dodgers have entrusted their kids, and their season, to Torre.

"He's a great leader," Cashman said. "But you have to have the horses to lead. I know from afar the Dodgers have a lot of young stallions ready to take that next step. If they're looking to take that next step and learn about winning, they couldn't have picked a better person to lead them."

What about Joe Girardi?

To the point that Torre tends to prefer veterans, Cashman offers this counterpoint: Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and Andy Pettitte.

To which I offer this counterpoint: Randy Johnson, A-Rod, Bobby Abreu, Jason Giambi, Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon, Mike Mussina, Gary Sheffield, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright... wow, I really just listed Jaret Wright in there. Come on though, he was making almost 6 mil a season for a while there. In any other market, that's nutso.

The rest of the piece is just more fluff about managers and young guys, and wanting to win. If it felt like I was reaching with this article, it's because I was. In truth, during the Rockies/Braves game the other day they showed a crazy stat about who has led the NL in BA and RBI since 1960 and my man Joe Torre popped up. They used a picture of him that caught my eye and with a little help from this ol' series of tubes, I tracked it down. His 1966 Topps card:
Which, you have to admit, kinda resembles....



UNFROZEN CAVEMAN LAWYER!!!

My Mealticket: MLB.tv

Hello faithful readers of the 38th most successful Fire(Blank)(Blank) blog with a blogspot address! The big man upstairs, Larry B, thought this blog could use some fresh thoughts so he offered me a spot in the lineup. This was before Eriz came back with a vengeance today, so now it’s like you’re getting two new bloggers in one! It should be noted that LarryB and I go way back (hence my eagerness to make fun of his articles)-- he’s not just picking up riff-raff off the street to write here. I earned this spot through years of half-heartedly participating in his fantasy leagues and complaining about local sports teams with him. For those of you who follow the blog regularly, I’m also known as Chris Hart. Yes, I still hate this blog as much as I used to, but now I get to combine it with the rest of my self-hatred, so it works out.

I don’t consider myself to be a “stat” guy at all, probably just barely above the average fan’s knowledge of the game. So the things that jump out at me are usually going to be particularly annoying/egregious/lazy on the part of the journalist. Luckily for me, I have a job that allows me to listen to mlb.tv while working. It lets me listen in on April afternoon games between the Yankees and Royals, and catch a whiff of this type of thing: from Royals color man Paul Splittorff when the subject of A-Rod’s postseason struggles comes up--

“That goes back to his days with the Seattle Mariners.”

Ugh, come on man. You’re paid to pay attention to baseball. A-Fraud’s stats in three postseason series with the Mariners:

’97 ALDS: .313/.313/.563
’00 ALDS: .308/.308/.308
’00 ALCS: .409/.480/.773

As someone who watches about 10 total AL games a season (Bill Simmons League Bias Alert!) I even knew about Fillet-Rod’s success in Seattle and NY pre Game 4 ’04 ALCS. You’ve been the Royals color commentator since 1987 (according to wikipedia), you should know better than this.

I hope my posts don't become a running string of horrible announcing from local broadcast teams, but the first week of the season hasn't led me to think otherwise.

We Have Open Declarations of Ignorance

Mike Celizic literally just admitted that he knows just as little about baseball as everyone suspects he does.

Tigers winless? Red Sox in last? Time to panic!
It's only been a week, but it's never too early to ratchet up the anxiety


It's exactly too early to ratchet up the anxiety. Yesterday it was too too early, and tomorrow, it will be not quite too early.

We are all doomed. Doomed, I say. Doomed.

The world is turned upside down. The Red Sox and Phillies are in last place.

I've already read the article. It's about Celizic complaining that teams with winning traditions are doing poorly and teams with losing traditions are doing well. And the Phillies are certainly not the former.

The Brewers and Royals are in first place.

The Brewers are good.....

Yeah, sure, there are still more than 150 games to play, but since when has that ever stopped a sportswriter from pushing the panic button? That’s our job

Damn. Well, I've got nothing more to say on Celizic. I've been making fun of him for a long time for being no good at analyzing anything or knowing anything about anything but the Yankees. But it's my fault, everyone. That's not his job.

Oh come on, of course I'm going to keep bashing him.

I’m for Detroit. Remember, these are the Tigers that went into the season surfing on a wave of expectation kicked up by experts from sea to shining sea who said the AL Central was Detroit’s before a single ball was thrown in anger. Best lineup in baseball. That’s what they said.

Pure exaggeration. The majority of "experts" that I personally saw and heard chose the Indians.

Dontrelle Willis leading the pitching staff.

No expert thought he was any better than the third best pitcher on the staff. I guarantee you of that. Just because you've heard of him doesn't make him the best pitcher (remember his Josh Fogg obsession last October?).

Tied for first place with the White Sox are the Royals. If the Royals aren’t going to settle down in last place where they belong, what’s the world coming to?

Celizic literally wants the standings to be the same every year. And the same players continue to play the same positions until they're 70 and Celizic is retired or whatever.

What follows is the most blatant display of ignorance I've ever seen. The following is the equivalent of "I don't deserve my job, and I don't care to get better at it either." In fact, I might only be writing this because of what's next.

Do they have any idea how much extra work they’re creating for all of us who go into a baseball season confident that we can get along just fine without knowing anything about the Royals? Who in the name of pine tar is Ross Gload? Billy Butler? Esteban German? Alberto Callaspo? Jimmy Gobble? Guess I’m going to have to find out.

This is flat out inexcusable. And you'd better get to know who Billy Butler is. Fast.

Chat Wrap With...

A fucking retard.

Ladies and gentleman: Jayson "Proper statistical analysis is for queers" Stark.

This weeks' question? WHICH MLB TEAM IS IN TROUBLE AFTER 6 GAMES? IS IT THE ROCKIES OR THE TIGERS. I MEAN, FUCK, THERE'S ONLY LIKE 156 GAMES LEFT.

THE CASE FOR THE ROCKIES

Let's be honest. This may have been a dominant team for 22 games last September and October but that's about it. Throw out that 21-1 streak, and the Rockies are 75-79 since Opening Day 2007.

Let's be honest. What the fuck is the point of using single season records if you are just gonna pick out large hunks of data and throw them out the fucking window? Take away a horrendous June 1-9 road trip, and the rockies suddenly win the NL west by 9 games! Wow, Look at that!

Dan (Chicago): When a team is sub .500 for 90% of the year and .950 for 10% of the year, I tend to believe in the larger sample size.

Jayson Stark: Well put. In their defense, and in the interest of presenting accurate facts, they were four games over .500 for 90 percent of the year (through Sept. 15) before that 21-1 magic kicked in.

Jayson and Dan from Chicago using big 9th grade statistics vocab here! "Percent" and "Sample Size?" I'm not sure how the average ESPN.com user will deal with these difficult words. Here's the thing though: when a hitter can't really hit for average and strikes out a lot, but hits for power (ie a shitload of home runs,) when he makes contact, we (as smart baseball fans) say he still has plenty of value. Why in the world would you throw out a streak like that when looking at the 2007 rockies? It makes no sense.

Plus that streak plays into the overall sample size for the 2007 season, which said that the Rockies were without a doubt one of the elite teams last year.

For reference, the rockies in 2007 had the best run differential of any team, the lowest second half ERA (and they play at Coors Field) and a pretty good lineup.

Nevertheless, the Rockies are in a very difficult division to dig their way out of.

Speaking of sample size: THE 2008 SEASON IS LIKE, A WEEK OLD!

Also, so this quick post isn't all Rockies-centric, here's this gem:

I refuse to believe, by the way, that Trevor Hoffman will have this many issues all year. People can't wait to write that guy off, for some reason. And he's one of the five greatest closers of all time.

Um, Jayson, maybe it's because:

1. he's getting up there in years
2. Has shown a steady decline over the past few season in all his peripherals (WHIP, k/9, k/bb etc), not to mention the easy to observe decrease in the velocity and movement of his pitches. Oh but i forgot, he's one of the greatest closers of all time. stupid me

I didn't realize until like half an hour ago how much I hate Jayson Stark. But man do I hate that guy

Al Strachan Presents: Why Choose a Side?

The tease for this little article is "With the playoffs about to begin, Al Strachan makes a case for each and every team to win in the first round — even the Bruins." Why show that you know enough about the NHL by making picks when you can just make up some terrible ways for bad teams to win. I'll be perfectly honest - I've only read his Red Wings/Predators paragraph, and then I booted up the Blogger. Let's go through this together.

This is not the old National Hockey League.

In the old days, most of the playoff spots would be decided by Christmas. Then, on the eve of the playoffs, it was clear that some teams would be pulling out the golf clubs within a week.

It took the playoffs for Al here to figure out that the NHL has changed? Somebody might want to tell him that they allow the Russians and minorities play now, too.

Also of note - the trading deadline tells you who is in and out of the playoffs. Odds are if a team trades to get players, they are in the race. If they trade for draft picks (or an enforcer when your team already has one), they are looking at the forecast for this week.

But today, there are no certainties. Every team can win. Every team can lose. Here's how.

Detroit-Nashville: With 115 points, the Wings had the best team in hockey. They've got a balanced attack and Nick Lidstrom is the best defenseman in the world. Without any of those long flights out to the West Coast, the Wings, some of whom are getting on in years, will be well rested. BUT the Wings had a tough time with the Predators this season. In regulation time, the teams split six games. Nashville lost one in overtime and another one in a shootout. There's also some concern about the Detroit goaltending. Dominik Hasek has not looked particularly good lately and Chris Osgood also has had some shaky moments.

If you're looking for how the Red Wings will lose, go with how they've shit the bed in the recent years or how old they all are. Don't do it by picking on a goalie proven time and time again in the playoffs. How do the Predators beat the Red Wings? Arm all the fans on the mezzanine level. At least arm them more than they already are. I mean, it's Nashville after all, so it's amazing the whole building doesn't have a Wrangler brand denim out or something.

San Jose-Calgary: In the late stages of the season, the Sharks were the dominant team in the league, going 20 games in a row without a regulation-time loss. They also had the best goaltender in the West — perhaps in the league — and the most productive trade-deadline acquisition in Brian Campbell. BUT after Joe Thornton, there is a huge drop to the second-leading scorer on the team. And it is in fact Campbell, who's a defenseman. If Thornton can be shut down — and this has been known to happen in the playoffs — it's hard to imagine the San Jose offense conjuring up enough goals to win a series.

Calgary - when not going up against the "best goalie in the league" averages 2.76 goals/game. San Jose scores 2.63 goals/game The shutdown of Joe Thornton should really focus on keeping him from his league leading assists.

Minnesota-Colorado: The Wild may be the best team in the West. They're fast and they're defensively committed. They've got strong goaltending and in Marion Gaborik, they've got one of the best pure scorers in the game. And with Jacques Lemaire behind the bench, you have to know that the Wild will never be outsmarted tactically. They've also beefed up so that they won't get pushed around. BUT it's always the same question with the Wild. Will they score enough? Peter Forsberg finished strongly for the Avs and if Adam Foote is fully healthy, Gaborik can count on being bounced around on almost every shift.

There you go - the Wild have won the Stanley Cup. Unless somebody in the 3 best-of-7 series before the Stanley Cup can hit them about enough to where they don't score, then that other team will win. So the Avalanche will win this round if Minnesota doesn't score on Jose Theodore? Bad news, Avalanche fans.

Anaheim-Dallas: The Ducks are the defending champions and as such, are widely assumed to be a favorite to win again. Once Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne condescended to come back, the team was pretty much the same as the one that won the Cup. Again, the goaltending is very strong and in the playoffs, that's always the most important factor. BUT the Ducks had real problems scoring in the late stages of the season. In their last eight games, even though three of those games were against non-playoff teams, they scored only 18 goals. Also, if the standings are to be believed, these two teams are fairly evenly matched. Dallas goaltender Marty Turco had a great playoff last year and there's always the possibility that Brad Richards, with his Cup experience, is ready to break out.

Marty Turco hasn't been out of the second round of the playoffs. Ever. He did have a great year last year, sure. The Stars also left in the first round because they couldn't score. Brad Richards should be shut down pretty easily by the Anaheim defense and the series will be done quickly.

Montreal-Boston: On paper, this is the biggest mismatch of the postseason. The Canadiens finished first and won all eight regular-season games against Boston. There is a long NHL tradition of the Canadiens putting an end to the Bruins' playoff hopes and Alexei Kovalev is having the best season of his life. BUT the Canadiens are pinning their hopes on a rookie goalie, Carey Price, and no matter how sharp Price looked in the regular season, the playoffs are a totally different animal. Also, Montreal captain Saku Koivu, who is a key to his team's power-play success, is probably out with a broken foot.

...and the Bruins are pinning all their hopes on Tim Thomas, who hasn't played a minute in the playoffs either. For what it's worth, he allowed 10 goals in 84 minutes for the Bruins' AHL team. That tease LIED to me!

Pittsburgh-Ottawa: The Penguins almost won the top spot in the East and have a power-packed lineup with Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marian Hossa, Sergei Gonchar and a few others. Goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury was strong down the stretch after being out for an extended stretch. Against an injury-riddled Ottawa team which is missing Danny Alfredsson and Mike Fisher, the Penguins are prohibitive favorites. BUT it was only a year ago that the Senators themselves were prohibitive first-round favorites and it is not unknown for quality teams to rise like a phoenix from the ashes when they feel that they are not being shown sufficient respect. Also, Alfredsson may be back in mid-series and if the Sens are still close, his return could give them the impetus to pull the upset.

To recap, Pittsburgh will win because they have a talented lineup, and Ottawa will win because they are a mythical bird with key injuries that was good last year.

Washington-Philadelphia: The Caps are the darlings of the NHL at the moment, having produced an improbable late-season drive to sneak into the playoffs. They've got the best player of the 2007-08 season in Alex Ovechkin, and some backup firepower from the likes of Viktor Kozlov, Alexander Semin and Sergei Fedorov. BUT the core players on this team are all Russian and there is a long list of Russian players who have let down their fans in the postseason. It's not likely to happen in Ovechkin's case, but the jury is still out on the others. Certainly the Flyers will apply some physical pressure, and in Martin Biron, they've got a goalie who has an excellent record if he doesn't play on successive nights.

Oh good! Somebody told him about the whole Russian thing. And if there's one way to judge how well a player is in the playoffs, it's what country they come from. Those Russians - man, they suck! Give me a Swede. And in Martin Biron, the Flyers have a goalie who has no record of ever playing an NHL playoff game.

New Jersey-NY Rangers: The Devils have the home-ice advantage and, they've got Martin Brodeur, the probable winner of the Vezina Trophy. They're well coached and they're always ready for playoff hockey because they play a strong defensive game all season long. They've also got guys like Jamie Langenbrunner and John Madden who have well-deserved reputations for producing strong postseason performances. BUT the Rangers can match the Devils on the goaltending front and are better offensively, especially now that Jaromir Jagr is showing signs of coming back to life. Also, the Devils were unable to muster even one regulation-time win against the Rangers all season long. In fact, the shootout victory that clinched fourth place on Sunday was their only win over the Rangers in eight tries.

In case you forgot, go ahead and scroll back up to Montreal-Boston, wherein Mr. Strachan says the playoffs are a totally different animal. So all of those regular season wins mean nothing for the Rangers apparently. And I'm not seeing the connection between what Martin Brodeur has done and what dirty Swede Henrik Lundqvist unless they both have chubby wives.

So there you have it. 8 series with absolutely no definitive winner in any one of them. There are all going to go to seven games because of how evenly matched all of these series are.

Coming next week: Al Strachan examines the candy bar battle - Almond Joy has nuts BUT Mounds don't.

What To Expect From The Media Re: Tonight's Championship Game (In Pictures)

Not much, truthfully. I don't see most of them getting excited about it all. Why? Well, Saturday's semifinals were a disaster from their standpoint. First, this guy got eliminated:



And then, a few hours later, so did this guy:



I mean, now who are they supposed to touch themselves while thinking about? This guy?



I mean, sure, he's white... but is he white enough? His name sounds kind of Muslim-ish. (Yes, the picture is homoerotic, I know. It was the best one of him I could find.) And with Memphis not offering a single player that's interesting from this angle, like I already said, I can really see the media overlooking the game and simply moving on to other stories. Too bad. A Love vs. Hansbrough showdown would have spawned some epic puff pieces.

Oh, speaking of moving on to other stories... I don't know if you've heard, but someone's already thinking about a comeback! Yayyyyyy! Peter King, step down from that ledge. Everything's going to be ok.

Anyone Ever Been to Detnews.com?

Okay, the much-hyped Detroit Tigers started out 0-5, so what's the first thing some nerd like me should do when this happens? That's right.

Step 1: Go to Google

Step 2: Search "Detroit News" to find a suitable Detroit news site.

Step 3: Look for completely awful attemps to explain the horrible start.

Step 4: Field day!

And uh....that's how I discovered Lynn Henning.

DETROIT -- A handful of things have conspired to make Opening Week a mini-disaster for the Tigers.

One by one, here are some problems the Tigers are facing in the wake of Friday's 8-5 loss to the White Sox that didn't go over particularly well with Comerica Park's fans:

I feel all giddy inside. This is exactly what I was looking for!

1. The team "doesn't look right"

It's amazing how many shrewd observers have said this the last couple days.

I'm going to stop you right there. "Shrewd observers"? Is that a "shrewd" thing to say? The team "doesn't look right?" Let me scroll up to the tagline of this article real quick. It says.....

Reasoning behind poor start difficult to diagnose

...well at least you hit the nail on the head. Doesn't. Look. Right.

An ongoing belief is that Curtis Granderson's absence is taking a toll. The top of the order is out of whack. The leadoff spot is a team's ignition switch, and no player ignited a game offensively better than Granderson.

Look, I'm aware Clete Thomas isn't good. But he's leading off to the tune of .500/.571/.500 and playing Granderson's position. I don't know what your definition of "ignited" is, but I'll take that line any day over a 5 game sample from a replacement leadoff guy. Also, Brandon Inge has started in center, and he's hiting .375/.474/.688. The two guys that have effectively replaced Granderson have been 2 of the 3 best hitters on the team thus far. You sure Placido ".087/.087/.087" Polanco isn't more of a problem? Or Magglio "3 GIDP" Ordonez?

2. Everything is upside down

So THAT'S it. Players standing on their heads. Hot dogs eating people. Up is left, down is front, right is chocolate pudding. This is what's wrong with the Tigers, people!

This happens when a team is caught in an unexpected free fall. Friday's example of how completely twisted the Tigers have been in going 0-4 came in the first inning with the bases loaded and nobody out. Magglio Ordonez poked the first pitch to second for a rally-killing double play.

See, you could have just gone with "double plays" as a reason rather than the upside-down bullshit. Make a mental note for next time.

When a team is in rhythm -- go back to the karma Granderson creates -- Ordonez gets a single to right or double up the gap. Or, at the very least, a sacrifice fly.

Whaaaaaaa? We have an outright claim that a lack of Grandersonesque karma radiating from 3 spots higher in the batting order simply emasculates Magglio Ordonez's bat! Granderson's name being penciled into the 1 hole would have changed the outcome of that at-bat!

::checks mail:: Oh dear....it appears logic died, and I've been invited to its funeral.

This will change, guaranteed. But having your leadoff man and No. 3 hitter (Gary Sheffield also is sidelined with a finger injury) out of the lineup is an invitation to a screwy scoring chance.

Replacement #3 hitter Carlos Guillen: .375/.524/.688

There was more freakiness in the fifth. With runners at second and third and one out, Jacque Jones ripped a grounder to a pulled-in Juan Uribe at second base. Jones was out and Pudge Rodriguez got doubled off second.

How did Pudge get doubled off second if this was a "grounder"?

Comerica Park officially had morphed into the Twilight Zone. Don't be surprised if it lingers for a few more days or weeks.

Twilight Zone? Ummmm...you have seen a lineout double play before, haven't you? I mean they aren't all that common or anything....but....what's that? Oh that's an upside-down play? My bad.

3. Jason Grilli got lit up

Yay! A real reason! That guy's WHIP is 5.25 right now!

You can reach Lynn Henning at (313) 222-2472 lynn.henning@detnews.com.

A PHONE NUMBER!?!?!?!??!?!?!??! Oh man, I know what I'm doing first thing on Monday morning....

Yo, DJ Gallo, You Are Totally Not Funny. And You Seem Kind of Stupid.

DJ Gallo gave AL and NL previews on espn.com. They're chalk full of bad jokes, etc.

Here's the National League one. I'm just going to skip from part to part.

Arizona Diamondbacks
With a young roster, standout pitching and solid defense, this is a team that is easy to root for -- especially because Arizona's anemic offense means that few, if any, Diamondbacks are on steroids.

ROFLZOMG! Hey DJ, Neifi Perez took PEDs. So did Ryan Franklin and Jim Parque and shitloads of other awful players in the last 10 years. "Bad" does not equal "steroid free." And there's a good chance the DBacks will have a decent offensive year.

Fun Fact: The Rockies set a franchise record last season with a 4.32 ERA. They also replaced their humidor with a Jacuzzi.

LAWLAWLAWLAWLAWL or they had the best pitching staff in the franchise's history. But no, I like your joke so much that I'm going to pretend that isn't true.

San Diego Padres
Like division rivals Arizona, Los Angeles and San Francisco, the Padres have difficulty scoring runs. But San Diego will still be competitive, thanks to a pitching staff led by Jake Peavy, who led the NL in wins, strikeouts and ERA last season. Peavy also led the Padres with 17 hits, a .233 batting average and seven RBIs.

I can picture DJ cracking himself up typing that last sentence.

Fun Fact: Khalil Greene … still white.

...

NL West predicted order of finish: Inverse to the number of team losses.

Does that sentence have a purpose? There's no information and an overused, stupid joke. Like I understand that these are joke previews, but this is just useless.

NL Central predicted order of finish: The first shall be first, and the last shall be last.


And again.

Oakland Athletics

Fun Fact: You can now purchase a copy of "Moneyball" for $5.99 on the bargain rack at Barnes and Noble.

Hah. What a crappy bargain book. No one should want to read it because the A's are bad now.

AL West predicted order of finish: Four-way tie.

Stop this.

AL Central predicted order of finish: Wouldn't you like to know.

I said knock it off already! Don't you want to at least attempt a joke here?

Fun Fact: Delmon Young has only 26 walks in 681 career plate appearances. He tends to throw his bat at every pitch. And also at many umpires.

Fantastic! Hey DJ, 2006 called, it wants its joke back.

AL East predicted order of finish: 1. Yankees; 2. Red Sox; 3. Blue Jays; 4. Rays; 6. Orioles.

But DJ, there's only 5 teams in the AL Ea----aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! There's the funny! Right there! Orioles 6th! ZOMG! You should be helping Bob Saget write stand-up. Seriously.