It's Almost Baseball Season!

So a friend mailed me a copy of Lindy's baseball preview. I've been reading it this morning. It's a terrible magazine. For every player, there's a little section where they fill you in on each player's "Significant Stats/Injuries". Here are a few of their SIGNIFICANT stats:

David Eckstein, SS, Blue Jays
Was successful on all eight steal attempts against righthanders.

Seriously?

Frank Thomas, DH, Blue Jays
Takes umbrage at every called strike on the inner part of the plate.

The Lindy's staff members must have been taking SAT classes - the only place in the world where anyone actually uses the word "umbrage".

Aaron Cook, RHP, Rockies
Tied for fourth in the NL with two complete games!

Tied with seven other guys!

Brad Hawpe, RF, Rockies
Had a streak of at least 26 games with at least one strikeout!

Next on ESPN: the HawpeWatch... CAN HE DO IT? We'll cut live to EVERY HAWPE AT BAT to see if he can break the ALL TIME RECORD.... which I am too lazy to look up.

Matt Lindstrom, RHP, Marlins
Spent time sleeping on the floor, then on a piece of plywood and egg crates to help his sore back, but still finished second on the staff with 71 appearances!

US Egg stock is up 4 points on this news. Marlins fans surge to the ballpark to see their new eggstraordinary closer-in-the-making!

Yovani Gallardo, RHP, Brewers
Became the third Brewers pitcher to hit multiple HRs in a season.

Sounds to me like he has his epitaph already written.

Moises Alou, LF, Mets
Can't throw.

Shit. He plays in the wrong league, I guess.

Jamie Moyer, LHP, Phillies
Has 230 career victories, 59th all-time.

Next on ESPN: MoyerWatch. Jamie is on pace to pass the immortal Frank Tanana by May 13th!

Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees
Became the first player since Roger Maris in 1961 to lead MLB in HRs, RBI and runs. Has a .159 BA in the playoffs over the past three years.

He sucks!

Kyle Farnsworth, RHP, Yankees
Easy to follow.

Next time you're driving to Yankee Stadium and you don't know how to get there, make sure you get behind Farnsworth. He's easy to follow.

Brad Ausmus, C, Astros
Had three 3Bs, matching his combined total from the three previous season.

Forecast: Brad Ausmus has a breakout 2008 where he hits SIX triples.

Paul Lo Duca, C, Nationals
Caught Tom Glavine's 300th career victory.

Wow.

Jermaine Dye, OF, White Sox
Thinks along with the pitcher.

This seems dangerous to me. Suppose he comes up in a crucial situation and Fausto Carmona is thinking about the hookers in his hotel room after the game. Poor Jermaine might get distracted. Hmm. Perhaps this explains Dye's shitty 2007. Pitchers caught on to this and deliberately thought about hot girls.

Strangely, Jermaine Dye has a 1.500 OPS against Kris Benson. Hmph. Go figure. I hate stats. Always disproving my theories.

Brendan Harris, 2B, Twins
Tends to grow on you.

Brendan Harris is like athlete's foot. Or a chia pet.

29 more days till the Reds kick it off against the D-Backs. Get excited!

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Keeping It Simple

Lately there's been, well, not much participation in Reader Extra Participation Fridays. Part of me wants to attribute this to the fact that we only have nine readers. But a small sliver of brain keeps insisting it's because I choose topics that are too complex and don't lend themselves easily enough to comedy. So let's ignore bad journalism for this week's installment and just talk about something everyone has an opinion about: What are the best and worst professional sports ever created? We'll keep a broad definition of "professional sport"- anything people do for recreation that requires them to move and is televised. So after some careful consideration, let me make my personal nominations:

Best- Bowling, because any fat pasty guy/blogger could conceivably practice enough to go pro in it.
Worst- Baseball, because it's impossible to play in a basement. Fucking sun.

Don't think you have to try to be clever or anything. This is an environment of welcoming. If you just want to straight up say that football is awesome and womens' basketball is a joke, nobody's stopping you. I'm changing the format of this in hopes that more than three people will throw their hats in the ring. Go on, make me look like a desperate, pandering genius.

It's Time To Finally Give The Viewers What They Want

Scene: an ornately decorated boardroom in Bristol, CT.

Sit your asses down and bite your fucking tongues. It's time to work, which for most of you fetal alcohol syndrome victims means listening to me. Baseball season is fast approaching. That means viewers want stories about one thing: the Yankees and the Red Sox.

Yes, the hand in the back, there? What's your name? Doesn't really matter, considering you're getting fired after this meeting is over. (pause) Oh, so now the Yankees and Red Sox are technically two things. That's cute. How long have you worked in sports television? Someone call security and escort Mr. Executive Producer For A Day to the parking lot. Let me tell you how things actually work. Were Bob Barker and "The Price Is Right" two different entities? What about Will Smith and Carlton? Not only are the Yankees and Red Sox one thing, they're basically one word at this point. Yankees/Red Sox. YankeesRedSox. YankeeSox. They might as well share the same stadium and locker room. Fuck, they can wife swap for all I care. As far as we here at ESPN are concerned, they're all that matters in baseball today. And I'm tired of our lack of coverage on them.

Seriously, who in here isn't wondering what they're doing right this minute? I bet they're playing catch. Or taking batting practice. Maybe they're watching some video! I think I'm getting an erection.

Someone get the numbers- how many pre-scripted minutes did we waste in 2007 talking about the other 28 teams in the league? I mean, I understand that we're contractually required by MLB to occasionally televise a Kansas City Monarchs/Cleveland Spiders game. But as soon as we get to Baseball Tonight, Sportscenter, or NFL Live, I'll be fucked in the face if we're not going to devote every last minute on the YankeeSox. Every second we spend talking about someone else is the equivalent of lighting a giant pile of advertising money on fire.

"Well, my sources in Detroit say that Curtis Granderson and the Tiger have agreed on a new deal blah blah blah," BAM, every single real baseball fan just changed the channel. "The Braves are excited to have tom Glavine back in their rotation yadda yadda," BOOM, Fox Sports just stole 10% of our market share. I've had it with this bullshit. First person who proposes a story about anyone other than the YankeeSox is getting stabbed in the neck with a cattle prod. I don't even want to hear the name of any other team spoken in this office. Pass that information on to your personal assistants. Pass it on to the janitors and fucking deliverymen. It goes for everyone who comes onto company property. Between now and November, if you so much as think about talking about one day taking a vacation anywhere but Boston or New York, I will personally cut off your thumbs and stick them in your eyeballs. Anything west or south of Trenton if officially off limits for any level of acknowledgment for the next eight months.

Oh, stop looking so terrified. I haven't even threatened your families yet.

Look at all the brand new stories we have to cover! First, Jonathan Papelbon knows how to do an Irish Jig. How many times can we show that clip from the end of the 2007 ALCS every day? I'm hoping for triple digits. Video, let's get on that. Slo-mo, different angles, voiceover from some random Irish dude who knows about that bullshit, the whole deal. Second, Joe Girardi is now one of the YankeeSox's managers. I want Steve Phillips, bless his tiny brain, talking about this and its impact on the YankeeSox on an hourly basis 24/7. I don't care if you have to run a caffeine IV into his spine. Make it happen. And maybe most importantly, third- the YankeeSox had a chance to trade for that Santana guy back in December and January, but didn't. So I want highlights of every run, hit, walk... fuck, every single non-strike he throws, assembled for immediate usage the morning after each of his starts with his new team. We need this to prove to the viewers that the YankeeSox never make bad front office decisions. Keep in mind that we won't actually have to show this, as long as things go as planned and Phil Hughes and Clay Buchholz both win the Cy Young every year until 2030.

Everyone got that? New angles, new stories, people. That's what we do here. Of course, don't forget to mix them in with plenty of material about whether or not A-Rod is happy as a Yankee, how clutch David Ortiz is, whether or not Josh Beckett is actually hotter (in an under-the-radar sort of way) than Tom Brady, and how important Derek Jeter is to the country's hopes of surviving the impending recession.

How can I talk in parentheses? You're going to be taken to the beach and buried alive if you ask any more quesitons, that's why.

And when's the first time the YankeeSox face off against each other? April 11? I have a special project for that afternoon. Someone get on this- I don't care about the specifics, but basically I want you do something to "get rid of" the broadcasting nerve center of every other major network in the country about an hour before first pitch that night. Try not to hurt too many people and all that, but don't let that stop you from getting the job done. We need to help people out there who might be a little slow understand that they're supposed to make a big fucking deal about it whenever there's a YankeeSox game on. I mean, it could be as long as a month until they play again.

OK, is everybody clear on what we're doing here? If you have any problems with what I've just said, feel free to start running your mouth about the fucking Pirates or Mariners within my earshot. See how that works out for you.

The Trials and Tribulations of Wearing Skate Guards on Ice

The skate guard is a pretty simple device. Made of elastic and cloth, it keeps your skates safe if you were walking around on concrete. But let's say your job was to go out on the ice at specific times. Say, I don't know, every TV commercial break. So the first whistle after the 14 minutes, 10 minute, or 6 minute mark (barring other factors including goals and penalties) you are going out and cleaning the snow buildup around the ice. You would be prepared! You would take your skate guards off and look like a skank! You wouldn't leave them on, would you?

You would if you were this Nashville Predators Goal Girl.



Now I know you only get to see her fall one of the three times, but it happened. You'll have to take my word on it. I also apologize for Bernie Federko's color commentary on the fall. If the local affiliate was smart, they would have played back the audio of all of the fans laughing at her. At the end, she looks up at Nashville's "megatron" to see if she's up there. She wasn't. But everybody saw.

Lee Corso: Strung Out, Or Just Confused?

Lee was on ESPN Radio's "The Mike Tirico Show" yesterday, which was actually "The Chris Fowler Show" for the day because Tirico was out of town. Chris (apparently not realizing that asking Corso to contribute in a non-visual medium prevents him from wearing mascot heads, which severely limits his entertainment value) called Coach asked him for his very early preseason top 5:

"USC, Georgia, Florida, Ohio State, LSU, and, uh, Georgia. So that's more than five teams but you get the idea."

Is that more than five? Yes... but also, no. My head is spinning. Shit, I've fallen into Lee's web of nonsense. This is how I'd probably feel if Gregg Easterbrook wrote an article about how the Patriots represent evil and the Colts represent good. If.

And I apologize that all my posts this week have been pathetic little pieces of crap. I'm sure all four of you are very disappointed. As you may or may not remember, I hate it when bloggers share information about their personal lives. So all I will say to explain myself is that I just started a new job which requires getting up much earlier than I'm used to and keeps me away from computers all day. I know what you're thinking- yes, I'm now a hot air balloon tour guide. Anyways I'll work on adjusting my schedule to allow for longer posts. I'm being sincere when I say that I miss writing them as much as some of you miss reading them.

The other excuse I can make is that it's late February so there ain't jack diddly shit going on in the world of sports right now. (Relatively.) Come March 31, I'm pretty sure things around here will kick into high gear.

Hiatus

I'm going to be gone until the weekend following this one. My mom insists that I actually get some sunlight, for fear that my skin continues to lighten until it's lighter than white itself, so she's dragging me out of the basement and taking me to Mexico for a week. I'm probably going to just spite her by staying in the hotel room reading about projected baseball statistics, leaving only to go to the vending machine for some Fritos. Anyway, FireJay should be in good hands. With how much Chris W. and eriz have stepped it up on the posting lately, you guys should barely notice I'm gone.

The primary reason i'm posting, however, is that over the week during which I'm gone will be the one-year anniversary of me publishing my first article making fun of sports media (this was before FireJay). My first article was about Michael Wilbon saying the best team in the NBA wins the NBA championship 95% of the time. And man did I go off hardcore on that one. I busted out binomial probability distributions and shit to nerdily tear Tony Kornheiser's bane a new one.

Just last Thursday, I believe, on PTI, Mike Wilbon proved he has since learned absolutely nothing about probability. During that "Odds" segment where both Kornheiser and Wilbon throw out percentages of certain things happening, Reali posed this thought: "Odds of the Heat beating the Rockets tonight?"

Kornheiser said something low, and then Wilbon replies by yelling....

ZERO! ZERO PERCENT!

Apparently no one told the Miami Heat this, because those dumbasses took the court anyway. Happy anniversary of stupid odds-based claims, Wilbon. I hope Vegas hires you soon. Can someone explain how one of the least stupid people working for ESPN still has no concept of the likelihood of different things happening?

Crappy Old Player Eager To Prove He Still Belongs

Have you ever read an article with such a fascinating premise? Can you even conceptualize it? This is the pinnacle of captivation. This guy used to be really good... now he's not, but he's still just good enough to stay in the league... so he's (surprise!) going to put in some extra work to try and compensate for his declining ability. I know what you're thinking- they should make a movie about this. I agree. Someone get Michael Eisner on the phone.

"I am 39," Mussina says, wry grin creasing his face. "It's no rumor."

Old man acknowledges his oldness. Wryly.

"I think every spring is a little bit different, and this one's different in quite a few ways," Mussina says during an early-morning conversation.

Old man mumbles the kind of nonsense you would expect an old man to mumble.

"I'm trying to show myself and everyone else that I can still pitch."

Old man rattles off a cliche that basically amounts to an admission of age.

"When you're getting older and you have a bad year, the first reaction is, 'He's losing his skills.'

Old man says what everyone else knows is true, but does so in such a fashion that shows he refuses to acknowledge said truth.

"I'm sure I'm not the same pitcher I was 10 years ago, but I think I can still pitch. And I want to prove to myself that I can still do this the way I think I can."

See above. This is a weak-ass post, so I'll just cut to the chase. Based on these eye-opening quotes (be glad I spared you the filler in between them), did this article need to be written? Mmmmmm.... um..... uh..... nope.

"I understand from the baseball people that he's been working his ass off," Hank Steinbrenner, senior vice-president and son of George, says. "That's the thing that makes me confident. He has a tremendous desire to come back and have a great year."

Team implies crusty old player is getting his ass DFAed by June.

Sean Deveney Is Officially My New Punching Bag

As many people know, the Tampa Bay Rays are considering signing Barry Bonds. Sean Deveney really thinks they should. Which isn't wrong or anything. But en route to his argument that makes no mention of Bonds still being good at baseball (which is the #1 reason that a team should sign him), he gets pretty darned ignorant. Here's an excerpt.

The Rays are thinking this could be their breakout year. They're young and improving, but there are questions about the lineup.

Oh boy. Please, tell me what these questions are!

No one knows if Carlos Pena can repeat his out-of-nowhere, MVP-type performance of 2007.

No one "knows" anything about what a player will do in the upcoming season. You can make a similar sentence about any team in the majors. "No one knows if Ryan Braun is really as good as his rookie season indicated." "No one knows if Jorge Posada can keep posting these above-.300 EqAs into his late thirties." "No one knows if Ervin Santana will rebound this year." The purpose of you, the writer, the supposedly more informed person, is to give opinions and insights on these things.

And yes, such things exist that allow you to make reasonable forecasts. Pretty much everyone on the planet knows that it's tremendously unlikely Pena will do that again, and reasonably, he'll be pretty good, but not great, in 2008 (PECOTA forecasts .259/.372/.500 this year).

No one knows how the Cliff Floyd-Johnny Gomes designated hitter platoon will work,

What do you mean "no one knows how that will work?" Jonny (spell his name right, please) Gomes is better against lefties, so he'll play against lefties. Floyd is better against righties, so he'll play against righties. A "platoon" is one of the simplest baseball strategies to understand. I don't know what the hell you mean by this sentence.

or worse, what'll happen if Rocco Baldelli suffers another season-ending injury and Floyd and Gomes are forced to play in the outfield everyday.

Ummm....what will happen is exactly that. Floyd or Gomes will be in the outfield everyday. You answered your own "question". And both of them will probably play worse defense than Rocco Baldelli would have. These "questions" are completely stupid.

Even with a healthy lineup, is B.J. Upton really a cleanup hitter? Wouldn't he be better off batting third or fifth?

Hmmm. I don't know. That's a tough one, Sean-o. B.J. Upton hasn't completed his initiation into the "Fraternity of Cleanup Hitters." But you're right....I don't think he's really good enough to hit 4th, he's only good enough to hit 3rd or 5th. He's not quite as good as Paul Konerko, he's more like Jim Thome. He's no Manny Ramirez, I'll tell you that much, but he's good enough to be one of those David Ortiz types. Is Justin Morneau really a cleanup hitter? No way, Jose! He's one of those 5th-hitter types. Now Michael Cuddyer, THERE's a cleanup hitter.

Have I given enough proof to show your sentence was completely and totally senseless? I hope so, Sean.

Raise Your Hand If You Think The Average Article About Sports Needed To Be Written

And also raise your hand if you're not a Hannah Montana fan.

Got you good, asshole. Now you're either a fan of bad sportswriting, or a fan of music aimed at pre-teen girls (and a potential pederast). OK, put your hands down. Enough "yolking" around! Since it's Articles That Didn't Need To Be Written Week here at FireJay, let's just get to the articles that didn't need to be written. Actually, first let's crown a winner from last week's Reader Extra Participation Friday. I'm handing the title to Jeff for pointing out this very relevant fact:

Mark Price has the best career free throw percentage in NBA history, edging out Rick Barry.

But Barry could argue that Price had the luxury of playing his prime years against a more diluted league because of the late 1980's expansion.

That's worth one box of Cheese Nips. Congratulations. It didn't jive perfectly with the topic I assigned, but it's pretty funny anyways. And only two people responded so I didn't have a lot of material to work with. Sorry Jim, better luck next week.

So anyways, let's move on to some absolutely groundbreaking material produced by some of America's finest sportswriterjournalists. These guys really put the "expos(e)" in expository. Foxsports.com's Jeff Goodman wants you to know that there are other good NCAA basketball teams out there besides Tennessee. They tend to fly under the radar a little bit, but if you really job your memory you may realize you've heard about some of these other contenders before. Like, perhaps dozens of fucking times since November.

Tennessee is deep, athletic and talented. The Vols play hard and have proven they can get out on the road and win in hostile environments. They've now proven it at Xavier, in Seattle against Gonzaga and in the most hostile environment that anyone will face this season — in Memphis.

All true. The Red Sox were also very good in 2007, and I hear the Giants' defensive line played well in the Super Bowl.

However, it's not as if it's Tennessee and everyone else.

What? No fucking way. You might as well tell me that babies don't actually get delivered by a stork, or that cigarettes don't cure lung cancer.

North Carolina also has two setbacks — and one of them came without its starting point guard, Ty Lawson. The Tar Heels may not be as deep as a year ago, but Roy Williams still has more than enough firepower — when Lawson is healthy — to play with anyone in the country.

Baloney. Since when has Williams shown he can win in March and April? And since when were they any good this year? Oh, that's right, they have one of the most hyped (notice I didn't say overhyped, but he's still annoyingly regular-hyped) players in the country. He's a big white guy who looks like he should be playing the jocky villain in a teen romantic comedy. Forgot his name though.

UCLA has had a trio of slip-ups, with the most recent one coming at Washington — the ninth-place team in the Pac-10. The Bruins have battled their share of injuries as well — their own starting floor leader, Darren Collison, missed the first six games, Mike Roll has been out for nearly the entire season and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute hasn't been 100 percent in months.

Never heard of them. Call me when you reach back-to-back Final Fours.

Kansas lost at Oklahoma State on Saturday night, but the Jayhawks may have as much talent among their first seven players as anyone in the nation — and what was once regarded as a weakness in the middle, has become a strength with the emergence of Darnell Jackson.

If they don't still have Raef LaFrentz, I'm not interested. Aren't they a football school now anyways?

Duke had a brutal two-game stretch recently, but the Blue Devils are certainly capable of making a legitimate Final Four run. They defend, can shoot and are obviously well-coached.

Insert "Coach K looks like a rat" joke here. That's all I got.

Don't discount Memphis from the equation, either.

Really? They just lost a game in the final minute to another really good team in February. I thought that meant they were ineligible to participate in the tournament.

Even after a disappointing performance Saturday, John Calipari's club still has the toughness, experience and talent to advance to San Antonio.

Not a chance. No way. I'll give them that first round win over DeVry A&M, but I refuse to pick them against the winner of the 8/9 or 7/10 game in their bracket. Give me Marquette and the under. As you can see, this article absolutely didn't need to be written. I don't have a ton of time, but let's just belabor that point with one more little example. CBSSportsline's Mike Freeman wants you to know that not all NCAA athletes are law abiding citizens. Re: The Tennessee Volunteers:

On Jan 11, 2008: Police cite freshman wide receivers Gerald Jones and Ahmad Paige for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop near campus while the two hosted a recruit from Oklahoma on his official visit, the newspaper reported. Freshman offensive lineman William Brimfield, who was with Paige and Jones at the time, was not charged by police but was disciplined by Fulmer.

On Jan. 21: Campus police arrest freshman tailback Daryl Vereen for public intoxication and underage consumption after responding to a call of a fight in progress outside an on-campus residence hall.

On Jan. 26: Police arrest All-SEC lineman Anthony Parker for disorderly conduct at an off-campus apartment complex, the paper says. Public intoxication, drunkenness, and fights seem to be a main theme when it comes to rules breakers in the Tennessee program. If only the Volunteers had that kind of fight in them when they played Florida.

Feb. 2: A walk-on defensive back, Vince Faison, was arrested for DUI after police found Faison passed out behind the wheel of his truck in the parking lot of an on-campus fast-food restaurant with the engine running, the paper wrote, and his foot on the brake pedal with the vehicle in gear. Well, hell, who hasn't passed out after gorging on too many burgers and fries? So judgmental, you people.

Feb. 13: Fulmer dismisses two players, the paper reports, for an undisclosed violation of team rules. Both players were arrested within the past 18 months. I can't imagine what it takes for Fulmer to toss someone off the team. A meeting with the Taliban? Eating someone's liver with fava beans?

Feb. 17: Police arrest the Vols' punter for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident after he allegedly struck a parked car causing more than $400 in damage. The punter allegedly bolted from the accident. Who says punters aren't real athletes? Probably ran so fast the police put out an APB for Deion Sanders. The punter's case is an interesting one. It wasn't the first time he found himself in trouble, or even the second. Or the third. This could be his fifth alcohol-related offense, according to the Knoxville paper. That's where you just wonder what the hell Fulmer is thinking.

1. I have no idea why he's picking on UT specifically. I don't really care that he is, because I don't give a shit about them, but it seems strange. Any number of schools have the exact same problem.
2. Anyone who isn't aware of this kind of thing already is not the kind of person who is going to come to CBSSportsline and read this article. So, thank you for telling a bunch of people who are already sports fans something that every sports fan knows.
3. What the hell Fulmer is thinking is that he gets paid to win, not to run a program with no criminal incidents. I think that aspect of big money college sports is pretty well documented.

Again, the transgressions listed are all solely from this year. Fulmer's track record in this area is extensive. He leaves a trail of player arrests, DUIs and serious crimes in his ample wake yet suffers no significant penalty for running the 21st-century version of The Mean Machine. And the NCAA sits on its hands and monitors telephone calls. It's ironic that Fulmer would be in greater trouble with the NCAA if he made illegal contact with a recruit than when one of his players allegedly hits a car and runs from the crime like a gutless turd.

Every turd is by definition made out of guts, so that insult doesn't work. And do you want to know why the NCAA seems to care more about recruiting violations than delinquent programs? Because when schools cheat, no one else besides their governing body is going to penalize them for it. On the other hand, when kids get in trouble, schools are supposed to adequately police themselves. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Usually they fall somewhere inbetween. But at least they almost always put up the appearance of trying to fix the problem. When Kelvin Sampson committed his violations, there was no way Indiana itself was going to do a damn thing about the issue. Like so many others, this article did not need to be written.

Tomorrow: Baseball has a steroid problem! Tom Brady is dating that ugly-faced supermodel! And the NBA's Western Conference is probably much stronger than its Eastern Conference!

Jeff Pearlman Puts Everyone To Sleep

Taking a break from writing human interest pieces about athletes you've never heard of, old FireJay favorite Jeff has given us an article that truly lives up to the tag "articles that didn't need to be written."

Major league ballplayers should care about this election

Throughout spring training clubhouses in Arizona and Florida, politics fail to generate interest. Finding someone who has participated in a state primary or caucus is slightly harder than finding a cinematic role for Meeno Peluce. The majority of players are almost certainly not even registered to vote. On the morning following last Tuesday's highly publicized Wisconsin Democratic primary, nary a Ranger nor Kansas City Royal could be heard talking about the results. Heck, no one even seemed to know the event took place.

Wow. Who would have possibly thought that to be the case. But why?

"Baseball players are inherently selfish," says Brian Johnson, the former major league catcher. "Everything is about 'me.' People want my autograph, people want to see me, people want to watch my games on TV. Everyone works around my schedule, even my wife and kids. So it's hard to have a global or national perspective when everything is about you."

Thank you, Brian. Upon receiving this quote, Jeff should have immediately put two and two together and realized that this is a dumb topic. But he presses on.

Indeed, a top 10 list of spring training topics discussed by ballplayers would look something like this:

1. Baseball
2. Free sunglasses
3. Breasts
4-5. Jesus/golf (tie)
6. Dinner options
7. The Kyle Kendrick YouTube video
8. Britney Spears
9. Strip clubs
10. More Jesus/golf (tie)

If you are surprised, offended, or shocked by this list (which is probably not 100% accurate... breasts and free sunglasses need to trade places), you should not be a sports fan. You are thinking too hard to enjoy watching grown men make their living simply by playing games. Perhaps you're a hyper-practical person who can only focus on things that directly affect your life. Maybe you have a problem with the outrageous levels salaries are reaching. Or maybe you're just too damn naive to realize that as long as you replace "baseball" with their given profession, this list corresponds to pretty much every well-off male between the ages of 18 and 50. Whatever the reason, go find another hobby. Sports fandom and you are not compatible.

Anyways, now that we've established the political ambivalence of MLB players, why does Jeff think these guys should stop being such squares and start caring about the outcome of November's elections?

What many ballplayers fail to understand is that, in terms of policy, they will be as impacted by this fall's election as anyone. While McCain plans on upholding the tax cuts enacted under George W. Bush, both Obama and Clinton want tax breaks to expire for Americans making more than $200,000 per year. (Read: baseball players.) Though McCain has said little about automobile emissions, Obama and Clinton have demanded drastic improvements in fuel efficiency standards. (The unofficial baseball player vehicle of choice? The mighty Hummer.)

The list goes on and on.

So let me get this straight- Hummers and other gas guzzlers might have to up their MPG outputs sometime in the next 20 years (based on an article I read in Time, which I can't link because this was like a month ago while I was waiting for my car at Jiffy Lube, this probably won't ever happen). And if a Democrat wins, there's a chance they will try to get rid of some of Bush's upper class tax cuts. And those two facts are supposed to overcome the breasts, free sunglasses, and other powerful cultural barriers currently restricting baseball players' interests in politics? Talk about tepid (at best) support for one's own point. I dare you- gather up a bunch of guys between 21 and 40, many of whom are already millionaires or will be millionaires within the next five years. Then tell them that they should start caring more about politics because they might have to buy slightly smaller cars or pay an extra fifteen grand in taxes in a couple of years. And try not to look too embarrassed when they laugh you out of the room.

Look, it's totally correct that political apathy and low voter turnout are huge problems with this country. Our election participation numbers are downright pathetic when you compare us to other western democracies. But I really don't think baseball players are at the top of the list of groups who need to start caring more. Maybe the millions and millions of uninsured Americans out there or those who make less than $20,000 a year and are constantly at risk of slipping into poverty should step up their levels of interest before we start busting balls in MLB clubhouses.

And sure, I'll grant that if more public figures like pro athletes made a bigger deal out of politics, that might cause more everyday people to have the same response. But really, if we need to be told by celebrities how to look out for our own interests, doesn't that really just make us a pathetic bunch of losers?

Christ, what was I originally talking about. Oh yeah- hey Jeff, try to pick out a less boring topic for your next piece. That would be fantastic.