In a column that no doubt consists mostly of jokes he has already used in other columns throughout the years, Rick brings up a topic about as ripe for hilarious non-analysis as airplane food and boner pills: BASEBALLERZ R SLOW WHEN THEY DO THINGZ, TEH GAME IS BORINGS TO ME.
Things that nobody reads in America today:
The online legal mumbo jumbo before you check the little "I Agree" box.
Kate Upton's resume.
Actually, I would like to read that. I want to know whether or not she graduated from high school (is that a thing models do?) and where she got her first big break. EAT IT RICK, I'M ALREADY MESSING WITH YOUR WORLD.
Major League Baseball's "Pace of Play Procedures."
Premise of the article: baseball games are too slow. Rick's chosen method of drawing in the audience: making a list of things that people apparently don't read and putting MLB's pace guidelines on it. Since whether or not people read those guidelines is a very relatable, illustrative idea. Get the engraving machine ready--I smell another sportswriter of the year award.
Not that baseball games don't have a pace.
Where's he going with this...
They do: snails escaping a freezer.
Cincinnati at San Francisco was a 3-hour, 14-minute can-somebody-please-stick-two-forks-in-my-eyes snore-a-palooza.
Remember that 3.25 hours number.
Like a Swedish movie, it might have been decent if somebody had cut 90 minutes out of it.
Don't drag the fact that you didn't enjoy The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo into this.
I'd rather have watched eyebrows grow. And I should have known better.
That last sentence was a link to a piece he wrote in 2000 about this very subject. I hate linking to the shitpile that is Deadspin, but they have done a good job documenting Rick's self-plagiarism in the past. Not to say he's plagiarizing here, but come the fuck on, man. There are like thousands and thousands of things happening in sports that you can write about. Maybe try not to keep writing about the same shit over and over?
Buster Posey of the Giants, The Man Who Wrecked Your Dinner Reservations, has this habit of coming to the box, stopping outside it and unfastening and refastening his gloves before his FIRST SWING! What exactly was he doing in the on-deck circle? His cuticles?
There's also this amusing passage in the "Pace of Play Procedures" (hah!):
Whoo-eee! That's rich. These guys wandered away from the box like 2-year-olds at a petting zoo. Six times they left the dirt circle around the plate altogether. Left the entire circle!
There were 14 attempts by pitchers to pick off runners, not one of them even coming close.
New rule: Pitchers get two pickoff attempts per runner. For every one after that, the umpire adds a ball to the hitter's count.
Four times the hitter, after going through his Art Carney routine, got into the box, decided the pitcher was messing with him, and called time out.
Twice the pitcher wanted a timeout.
Five times the catcher called time out to go out to the mound to discuss, what? ObamaCare?
And explain to me why a reliever who's been warming up in the bullpen for five minutes still needs eight pitches to warm up on the mound.
Please, I beg of you, bring on the NFL.