Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I had my heart set on some breathtakingly awful "Tebow is better than Manning" articles showing up this week

But I soon realized that I was going to be disappointed. Problem is, the MSM (or as I call it, the LAMEstream media lololz) is even more enamored with Manning than it is with Tebow. Even after the latter's playoff win against the Steelers in January, there were still a handful of loudmouths taking shots at him. Not that it was wrong of them to take shots at him; it's just that the people who were doing it, the Mark Schlereths of the sports media world, tend to be loudmouths no matter what they're saying.

Anyways, those detractors are far outnumbered by Tebow supporters at this point. Yet while Tebow definitely qualifies as somewhat of a media darling, Manning is at least ten steps above Tebow. His gaudy numbers are backed up by an aw-shucks personality that's not too far removed from a certain gunslinger who just likes to have fun out there. You know what that means: free written word butt-tonguings from the Peter Kings of the sports media world whenever Manning wants one. It'll be a cold day in hell before any sportswriter for a mainstream publication ever says anything bad about Pey-Pey.

Fortunately, this is not written by a sportswriter and it does not come from a mainstream outlet. But the Colorado Springs Gazette is still a newspaper that a couple hundred thousand people care about, and Dan Caplis is a person who knows how to write the English language. So I'll take what I can get. And if you think it's dumb that I'm picking on a guest column by a personal injury attorney/conservative talk radio host in a midsize newspaper, go step in front of a moving cement mixer.

The facts show that Tim Tebow is off to a better start as an NFL quarterback than many of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.

SOMEONE has been taking Princeton Review's SAT prep class. That right there is a STRONG topic sentence, right at the beginning of the paragraph where it belongs.

Through his first 16 starts, Tebow won more games (9) than Peyton Manning (3), Troy Aikman (3), Steve Young (3), Aaron Rodgers (5), Matthew Stafford (6), Sam Bradford (7), Eli Manning (7), John Elway (8), and Drew Brees (8).

Conclusion: close the current Football HOF in Canton and start work on a new one in Gainesville. It would be an insult to Tim if he had to travel to his induction ceremony. (Note: previous two sentences assume that Tebow still lives with his parents and always will, and that his parents live in Gainesville)

Tebow accomplished that with a team that was 1-4 before he took over, and had won only 7 of its last 24 games.

I know! And with Kyle Orton at the helm! Imagine how bad that record would have been if they had an even worse QB during that stretch.

In his first 16 starts, Tebow led his team to a playoff victory. None of these other greats did that.

Better or worse argument than the "number of wins" argument he led off with? On one hand, Tebow actually played pretty well during the Steelers game, something that can't be said about most of his regular season starts. On the other, talking about a near-rookie QB's performance over the course of sixteen games is marginally less of a waste of breath/keystrokes than talking about his performance over the course of one game.

In fact, it took Peyton Manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, five full NFL seasons to lead his team to a playoff victory.

And Manning and Trent Dilfer have the same number of Super Bowl rings, and Dan Marino doesn't have any. How blown is your mind right now? Only logical conclusion to draw from all of this stat: THE MOON LANDING WAS STAGED.

In his first playoff game, Tebow threw for 316 yards in a winning effort — against the best defense in the league.

I'm not here to spend this entire post concocting crazy reasons why Tebow deserves no credit for Denver's success last year, but if that game takes place at sea level and Ryan Clark is able to play, you can bet the Steelers would have won. I'm just saying.

It is so difficult for an NFL quarterback to throw for 316 yards or more in a playoff victory that Ben Roethlisberger has never done it. Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers have each done it once. Tom Brady, John Elway and Joe Montana each did it twice. Eli Manning did not throw for that many yards in a playoff game until this season.

Lots of passing yards: always strongly correlated with playoff success. Because you know how it goes in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE; you get a lead, and then you throw on every down to protect it. That's why bad-defense-on-his-own-team-having Drew Brees has thrown for at least 316 yards in 5 of his 9 playoff appearances and lost 4 of those 5 games. Conclusion drawn from this stat: Kennedy was shot from the grassy knoll and from the book depository simultaneously.

And those other quarterbacks had some of the best receivers in the NFL.

Yeah! ANYONE could have done what they did, throwing to receivers like Javon Walker and Bubba Franks (Favre, 2004 wild card round) or Vance Johnson and Mike Young (Elway, 1990 AFC title game).

Tebow is also near the top in another important measure of an NFL passer, which is the number of touchdown passes per pass attempt.

Let me stop you right there. Before you run through the cherry-picked stats that paint Tebow in the best possible light, let me make a list of stats which show him to be a pretty godfuckingawful QB: completion percentage, yards per attempt, yards per game, sack percentage, QB rating. But don't worry, those aren't important measures of an NFL passer like TDs per attempt. If your team has a competent defense and a very good running game (to be fair, Tebow is a part of that running game, but he also takes away from it by taking all those fucking sacks), allowing your QB to throw infrequently but also go for home runs when he does, you go 2 for 8 with 1 TD, that's just great NFL passering. Conclusion drawn from that stat: the planet will definitely explode on 12/21/12.

OK, back to what you were saying.

In his first 16 games, Tebow averaged an impressive one touchdown pass for every 23 pass attempts (1-23). The same as Peyton Manning. Better than Steve Young (1-46), John Elway (1-36), Drew Brees (1-34) and Tom Brady (1-36). And just slightly behind Aaron Rodgers (1-21), Matthew Stafford (1-21), and Eli Manning (1-21).

Even more important is the fact that Tebow threw very few interceptions per pass attempt.

It's hard to shit on this stat too much. Tebow has, so far, been great at not throwing picks. Unfortunately a) this is because he so often underthrows or overthrows a receiver by 15 yards and more importantly b) he's been really, really bad at not fumbling. Jay Cutler takes a lot of shit for fumbling a lot, and he's never put more than 11 of them on the ground in a season. David Carr was a LEGENDARY fumbler who topped out at 21 as a rookie. Last season, in just 11 starts, Tebow had 14 fumbles. The more you know. Conclusion drawn from this stat: all the games on The Price is Right have exactly the same odds.

Just one pick for every 43 pass attempts (1-43). That’s twice as good as Peyton Manning (1-21). Much better than Elway (1-19), Stafford (1-26) and Eli Manning (1-29). Better than Brees (1-34), Brady (1-36), Rodgers (1-39) and Bradford (1-40). This fact is particularly important, because ESPN contends that the chance of a team winning an NFL game goes down 20 percent with each interception a quarterback throws.

And goes up 20% every time a QB fumbles!

Through 16 starts, Tebow has a far better touchdown pass-to-interception ratio (17 touchdowns-9 interceptions) than Peyton Manning (26-28), Brees (15-15), Stafford (28-23), Bradford (18-15), Elway (10-19), Aikman (12-25) and Young (9-16). Tebow’s rate is also better than Eli Manning’s (21-14), and the same as Aaron Rodgers’ (23-12).

Yes, this is another stat that shows Tebow in a positive light because sometimes he goes a whole half without throwing a single pass that hits anyone at all in the hands.

According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)

I like it. Time to continue my uninspired "copy and paste the best line of the article multiple times" bit, this time with italics for added pasteability.

According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)

These are facts, readers. They are not opinions.

According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)

Eat them. Digest them.

According to these key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance)

Facts. Facts facts facts. Tebow's completion percentage? Not a fact. Merely a lie from the Christian-hating media.

Tebow is off to a better start as an NFL passer than many of the great passing quarterbacks in NFL history.


Tebow’s critics do not speak of these facts. Instead, they harp on the style of his passes and his completion percentage (46 percent).

Hey, that's right! I do do that!

That is illogical. Results are more important than style.

Like I told you. TD/INT ratio: fact. Completion percentage: opinion, which is somehow a function of (???) style.

And completion percentage is far less important than wins,

Probably true, but much more easily attributed to, you know, the QB as opposed to the whole team.





and playoff success.

Clever way of saying "wins" twice.

That is proved by the fact that Tebow has far more wins, and a much better touchdown and interception ratio, than many quarterbacks who have a higher completion percentage.

Conclusion drawn from this fact: completing passes is bad, and also, aliens built the pyramids.

Peyton Manning is a certain Hall of Fame quarterback and a man of great character and integrity.

Factual character.

But the facts also show, at this point, Manning is not a more effective quarterback than Tebow. Last season, Tebow started 13 games. When you compare those 13 starts to Manning’s last 13 starts, the results are almost the same.

Over their last 13 starts, Tebow and Manning have the same winning record — 8-5. Each threw one touchdown pass for every 23 pass attempts. Tebow threw only one interception for every 51 passes. Unfortunately, Manning threw one interception for every 33 pass attempts.

Ignore their completion percentage, yards per game, and other such stylistic pieces of information.

Tebow won one playoff game and lost the next. Manning lost his only playoff game, 17-16, to the Jets.

And while throwing to some of the greatest receivers in the league, like Pierre Garcon and Blair White! (Perennial All-Pro Austin Collie was hurt for that game.)

Tebow also brings the critical advantage of mobility to the field,

and fumbling,

which Manning does not. Over their last 13 starts, Tebow ran for 681 yards and 6 touchdowns. Manning ran for 23 yards and 0 touchdowns. Manning’s lack of mobility may explain some of the difficulty he has encountered in the playoffs during his storied career.

Mobile QBs like Eli Manning, Tom Brady, and Joe Montana have always had more success in the playoffs than their immobile counterparts.

While it is undisputed that Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, he has only won one first-round playoff game since 2006.

Not sure what's going on here. If the argument is that he has only won one wild card round game since 2006, it's totally irrelevant. If the argument is that he's only won one playoff game at all since 2006, it's wrong and mostly irrelevant. His factual stats in four playoff losses since winning the Super Bowl at the end of the 2006 season: 317 yards per game, 6 TDs, 3 INTs. Add in the stats from his two playoff wins leading up to the 2010 Super Bowl, and his numbers get even more Tebowesque.

He has lost in the first round of the playoffs seven out of the 11 times his team has made it that far. He is 1-3 against New England in the playoffs,


averaging 9 points a game in those losses.

Both those losses happened when Tebow was still in high school. I'm sure that was the first thing the Broncos brass discussed when they met to decide whether or not to go after him: if we get time warped back to 2004, will we be able to beat the Patriots in the playoffs with him?

None of these facts are intended as a criticism of Manning. They are simply proof of the undeniable fact that injuries and age take their toll on even the greatest quarterbacks.

While playing with virtually no supporting offensive cast in 2010, Manning put up the same numbers Tebow did last season in these specially picked Tebow-friendly stats. This shows that injuries and age take their toll on even the greatest quarterbacks, and that a terribly inconsistent throwing motion and a total inability to make more than two reads (maybe two reads) on any given play take their toll on others.

And no quarterback who has won a Super Bowl with one team has ever won a Super Bowl with his next team.

List of QBs with Manning's credentials to switch teams in the last 25 years: Joe Montana. And true, at age 37, he was only able to drag an otherwise mediocre Chiefs team as far as the AFC title game. Ho hum.

So the assumption that the Broncos would automatically be a better team right now under Manning is not supported by the facts.

Other than the facts related to who is better at being a quarterback between Tebow and Manning.

The facts show that Tebow is, by comparison, a great young quarterback with most of his career in front of him.

The facts do indeed show that Tebow has most of his career in front of him... CARRYING A CLIPBOARD! HIGH FIVE ME SOMEONE

No but really, I don't hate Tebow. I wouldn't mind if he caught on in Jacksonville or Miami. I just have enough of a brain to know it's almost definitely not going to happen.

Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback with most of his career behind him. And over the course of their last 13 games, Tebow and Manning performed at approximately the same level.

As long as you ignore most reasonable methods of evaluating QB play and choose obscure ones that heavily favor Tebow, yes.

It would be highly illogical for the Broncos to replace Tim Tebow with Peyton Manning. Such a decision, no matter how well-intentioned, would likely undermine the franchise for years to come.

Now I just have to sit back and wait 10 months for the Gazette to print an apology and correction. Oh, and I managed to go this whole post without dipping my toe in the politics/religion pool, but Caplis is one of those loudmouthed Jesus freak windbags that are all too commonly found in Colorado. If Tebow has all of Tebow's attributes and 2011 stats but happens to be someone who doesn't mention God every five seconds when there's a microphone in his face, yeah, I'd be writing poorly about something else right now because this article wouldn't exist.


Chris W said...

You're just made because someone is finally using common sense and facts to say what the Quaker media is fraid for you to know.

Chris W said...

*mad. Touch screen keyboards are an invention of the media

Anonymous said...

Now now...the foaming fundies are largely confined to Colorado Springs.

Anonymous said...

I like how this guy talks about facts, and then screws up the numbers of other quarterbacks. For example, Aaron Rodgers won 6 games, not 5 in his first 16 starts and threw 28 touchdowns, not 23. You can't talk about facts and then change the facts to suit your argument.

Adam said...


Tim N said...

Craig Krenzel was 3-0 as a rookie for the Bears. And has a personal relationship with his lord and savior Jesus Christ.

ipso facto